Wired For Love-Stan Tatkin [PDF]

Zitiervorschau

ISBN: 97 8-r-50882-o5 8-o

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"Wiredfor

Loq,,e

challenges partners to experience their relationship in a totally

new way. Partners will learn how to engage positively as a couple to help each other feel safe and secure by following the relationship exercises suggested in

this exciting new book. In clear, concise language, Tatkin describes the

ways

that partners can understand and become experts on one another. He suggests building a "couple bubble" wherein each partner is the most important person in the other's life, the one individual on whom the partner can always count."

-Marion

F. Solomon, director of

clinical training at Lifespan

Learning Institute and author of Narclsslsm and Intimacy, Lean on

Me, and other books

"Read this book to discover a multitude of new ways to enliven your relation,

ship and end needless conflicts. Stan Tatkin is one of the most innovative thinkers in the couples relationship world today. It's impossible to read this book without learning new patterns to enhance your love."

-Ellyn

Bader, PhD, cocreator of the developmental model of couples

L%

therapy, codirector of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA, and author of TeIlMe No Lies andln Quest of thelvbthicalMate

"Reading Stan Tatkin's book makes you want to be in therapy with him. With

intense and fearless clariry he takes you into the trenches of the combative human brain and shows you how to make love, not war."

-Esther

Perel, LMFT, author of MatinginCaptivity

HOW TJ YOUR PAR ATTTCHME]

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Publisher's Note This publication is designed to provide dccurate and authoritatiue information in regard to the subject matter cooxred. h is sotd with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering pslchological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the seruices of a competent professional should be sought.

Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books Copyright O 2011 by Stan Tatkin New Harbinger Publications, Inc. 5674 Shattuck Avenue

Oakland, CA94609 '

www.newharbinger.com

Cover design by Amy Shoup; Text design by Tiacy Marie Carlson; Acquired by Tesilya Hanauer; Edited by Clancy Drake

All

Library of Congress Cataloging-in'Publication Data

Tatkin, Stan. Wired for love : how understanding your partner's brain and attachment style can help you defuse conflict and build a secure relationship / Stan Tatkin. p.cm. Includes bibliographical references.

ISBN 978-1-60882-058-0 (pbk) -- ISBN 978-1-60882-059.7 (pdfe-book)

1. Intimacy (Psychology) 2. Interpersonal relations..Psychological aspects. 3. Cognitive psychology. I. Title. 8F575.r5T38 LAn 158.7'4--dc73 2011028010

Printed in the United States of America

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WIRED FoR LOVE

CHeprrR

5

Launchings and Landings: How to Use Morning

andBedtimeRituals CunprEn

....

.89

Ackr

6

The Gojfb People: How to Remain Available to

OneAnother

. . 103

CHRpre R 7 Protecting the Couple Bubble: How to Include Outsiders

. ll9

irst I must acknorvlei has kept me going : nature take over. \\i

CHnprrn

Fighting Well: How to \Vin by Letting Your Partner 'Win,

Too

CHRprrR

would certainly not have co:

B

I am indebted: Allan Schor

,

139

9

Love Is Up Close: How to Rekindle Love Through

EyeContact. CHeprrn

..157

10

Live a Happier, Healthier Life: How Your Partnership

CanHealYou.

. .169

Postscript

. I77

References

. 179

Harville Hendrix, Ellyn just a few

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WIRED FOR LOVE We have little information about how prehistoric couples chose each other and how they related to each other, but the informed imagination of

social etiquette irrespecti'

cultural anthropologist Helen Fisher offers us some clues that prior to 11,000

conduct-the

transgressed-through

a

transgress(

years ago, couples formed a "pair bond" for the purposes of procreation and

family and community I

physical survival. She believes this bond was based on an implicit ethic of

The tools of analysis, und

"sharing" that served mutual interests and needs. Their roles were specific. \Vomen gathered wood for the fires, cared for the children, and gathered

The next incarnatior the rise in Europe of de

fruit, berries, nuts, and roots, which they shared with the men. Men hunted wild game, which they shared with the women and children, whom they also protected from other men and wild animals. While these pair relationships were clearly sexual, they were not very durable and it is probable that they were not very intimate. Estimates are that they lasted about three years on average, or until the children were mobile. Both sexes repeatedly sought and

everyone was entitled to

consummated other relationships. \7omen gave birth to many children from

different fathers and men sired many children with whom they most likely spent little time and whom they seldom recognized as their progeny. Most children were reared by single mothers and transient fathers. That ail changed about 11,000 years ago when, according to the same body of research, the hunters and gatherers learned how to grow food and

corral and breed animals. No longer having to search for food, they settled down into small compounds and villages, and the concept of "property" that had to be protected arose. This concept may have applied at first only to animals and crops, but since children and women also needed protection, the concept eventually extended to include them. Small social groups evolved into villages, cities, and even empires, adding new layers of importance to

to marry the person of tL romantic love rather tha personal or psychological

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WIRED FOR LOVE religious professionals before the development of professional counseling and

as a substitute for marria:

psychotherapy-to conflict resolution, negotiation, and problem solving. This was helpful to some couples whose issues were not so difficult, but for others the conflict resolution process was a failure. These more difficuit cou. ples were advised to engage in depth psychotherapy to work through their long-standing personal problems independent of their relationship, and to separate from each other with the assumption that when they came back together, free of their personal neuroses, they could meet each others' needs,

and later ages. Since,

current and past, and create a satisfying and wonderful relationship. This model did not work very well. Most partners who were successful in their private psychotherapy tended to divorce rather than reconcile. The

as

couples' relationships, rh:, ety ofabuse and violence

:

addicrions of all kind., c::

not be changed unril a : reiationship emerges.

I believe

a ner\. narr.-l

need satisfaction to rhe

:-

twentieth century. In rh:

has heid steady for the

relational and interdepen, as autonomous, indere:--

past sixty years. The statistics on the success of marriage therapy has held

fomented by developn-re:-i,

divorce rate reached about 50 percent, and there steady

at around 30 percent-not a shining

it

success

for this fledgling

as

"social" at birrh :.

stage. Humans beinss. ri.'

profession.

In recent

child

years we have discovered that the major problem

with this

model is its focus on the "individuai" as the foundational unit of society and

on the satisfaction of personal needs as the goal of marriage. Given that democracy gave political reaiity to the concept of the individual and Freud illuminated the architecture of the interior of the seli this perspective makes sense. It led Freud to locate the human problem inside the individual and to create psychotherapy as a cure for the ills of the self. Since marital counseling

and couples therapy are the handmaidens of psychotherapy, it makes sense that marital therapy would focus on healing the individuals as a precondition for a satisfying relationship. It also makes sense that therapists would assume that the problem was unmet needs "inside" the individuals and that relationships existed to satisfy those needs. This all give birth to this narrative of marriage: If your relationship is not satisfying your needs, you are married to the wrong person. You have a right to the satisfaction of your needs in a rela-

if that does not happen, you should change partners and try again to get the same needs met with a different person. To put it in more crass terms, your marriage is about "you" and your needs and if it does not

tionally dependent. -{r irt tionship began ro :d\' ::. -

only a mother-chill r. , rather rhan the inJir il ., a myth. The origin ,'r rht

rhe self to rhe failure : : children. These faileJ rel. of suflering in rhe inre:r

:

tionship that is rh. ri.::, students of the hunran .:' optimal corrective relar: : In the past twenr\' \'-.

marital narrative anJ rl'1. the "conscious pdrtRclr:..

tionship, and

needs of the relationsh:p

provide you with satisfaction, its dissolution is justifiable no matter the conse-

thing like this; Your r.r-ra::: is a third realirr r,, n:: honoring that responsibr-: met. When you make .,'i you produce the paraJ r.:

quences for others, even the children.

This narrative has birthed the phenomena of multiple marriages, oneparent families, shattered children, the "starter" marriage, and cohabitation

xlt

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WIRED FOR LOVE healing of childhood wounds, which may in fact not be healable, but the cre. ation of a relationship in which two persons are reliably and sustainably pres.

ent to each other empathically. This new emotional environment develops new neural pathways flowered with loving presence that replace the old toxic

pathways that are filled

with the debris of the sufferings of childhood.

Couplehood becomes the container for the joy of being, which is a connected

Introduct

relationship. And, since the quality of couplehood determines the tenor of the social fabric, the extension ofthat joy from the local to the global could heal most human suffering.

In my view, Wiredfor Loveby Stan Tatkin is more than an addition to the vast literature directed to couples.

It is more than

a brilliant integration of

recent brain research with the insights of attachment theory. It is an instance

of an emergent literature expressing a new paradigm of couplehood. This

is

no small achievement: this book will help couples flourish in their relationships and it will aid the professionals who want to help couples be more effective. Since the author has provided a thorough guide for those on the journey to lasting love, it requires no summary here. It speaks for itseli and I encourage

you to begin reading now. Your view of how to be in an intimate relation-

ship and of the potential of marriage for personal and social healing will change forever!

ook around you.

devices, machine

mindboggling. Ju.

ity has come to regard as instant replay ofevents .

just about anyone an1.u-b

the advantages these sci, when they break down.

.

turn to guidr shows how much to infla batter to load in your \.\-a reason, we

manual (or calling for

re

you really operate all rhe

Relationships are cc

mum of guidance and si dard set of I-2-3 steps i come with manuals thar

for one couple won't nec

fly blind,

as

many coupie

Hence the

need

relationship.

And what might

be

Iarge and fascinating bo;

tial to influence horv

p:

recent decades. This incl

and neurobiology, psych

XIV

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WIRED FOR LOVE benefit from this wealth of research. You may flnd this idea intimidating, but don't worry: I'm not suggesting you need to quit your day job and go back to

I thlnk you'll find the basic theories quite straightforward

as

expectedl" Partners u'o

and sometimes their ansr

when you

know why this is happenrr

In short, it's my conviction that having a better understanding about how

sufficiently accurate to he

our brains function*in other words, how we're wired-puts us in a better position to make well-informed choices in our relationships. Scientific evi-

don't alter our fundament'

dence suggests that, from a biological standpoint, we humans have been wired

couple's sense of securitv

largely for purposes that are more wariike than loving in nature. That's the

ing the war between partn

bad news. But the good news is that recent research suggests a variety ofstrat

more of a fortress. It onlv

school.

hear them explained in lay language.

However, in the long

egies and techniques are available to reverse this predisposition. We can,

in

effect, take steps to assure we are primarily wired for love. These strategies can help us create stable, loving relationships in which we are poised to effec,

r

way of flying blind, In iaci

e

at one another.

I've noticed partner relationship. For instance

tively defuse conflict when it arises. So why not make use of them? In the first three chapters of this book, I

like the same things I like

provide you with general principles, drawn from cutting-edge research, to help you understand what makes a relationship successful and work toward that with your partner. The chapters that follow expand on these principles

married."

in practical ways. For exampie, if you have a clear

sense of your partner's rela-

I feel hurt." Or "This

ln

relar

each case, r

theory. One of the mosr

rr

to shift into a

p

possible

sound more like the folii

tionship style based on the latest research, it will be easier for the two of you to work together and fix any problems that may arise. In essence, this book

ments," or "'We do things

can serve as an owner's manual for understanding yourself, your partner, and

must be willing to reu'ire.

must be willing to throri-

,

your relationship.

Personally, I learned

Now, you may raise your eyebrows at the notion of an owner's manual. Your pa_rtner isn't property, after all. I couldn't agree more. However, I like

For many years, my st

this metaphor because

it

conveys

the level of mutual responsibility and

s

viduals suffering from per

prevention of such disorJ

I found myself i

detailed knowledge of the relationship a couple needs to be successful. In fact,

couples,

I would propose to you that all couples do in fact follow one or another set of rules and principles in their relationship. They may not be conscious of it, but

prevent their problems, rc

they already have an owner's manual of sorts. Unfortunately, many couples

Around this time, ont wife and I divorced. Duru

have the wrong manual. And in the case of distressed couples, they always

why my marriage had

have it wrong.

closely investigate the sci

t-ail,

In my work with couples, I've noticed that partners tend to form their

therapists and I must be r

own theories about the cause of their problems. They do this out of distress and despair, and out of their need to know why, "Why am I in pain?" "Vhy

help couples in distress. ^{ have been able to salvage

am I feeling threatened or unsafe?" "\Why is this relationship not working out

ure for others.,.and for nr,

2

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NOIrtncof rNI

WIRED FOR LOVE Ultimately, I came up with several key areas of research I believed could point toward the difference between success and failure in relationships. I'm

The third area of resea of human arousal. \7hcn -,

not speaking of research I conducted; these were the fields of study I men. tioned earlier that have witnessed enormous leaps forward in the past few

sexual arousal, But I anr rc:

moment-to-moment abilin

[n the conrexr .'i'

decades. The more I studied the latest findings and observed how they played

engage.

out daily in my office, the more lights flashed in my mind. I reaiized this valu-

partners can manage one :

able knowledge wasn't being properly synthesized for and focused on adult

at the mercy of each othe: tent managers of our par: motivating, influencing. s:

with couples had not begun to connect the dis. parate dots of various sciences. They were a bit like technical support people couples. Therapists working

working with out-of-date manuals. Their advice only went so far. I became convinced the most important thing I could do with my time and energy was

to find the connections between these areas of research and put them to practical clinical use.

Each of these areai er

have synthesized these ider

call this work a psrchali, approach isn't of value jur:

One of these areas is the field of neuroscience, the study of the human brain. This, I discovered, provides a physiological basis for understanding our

is planning to be in, or eve

strengths and weaknesses, including those that drive our relationships. For example, I am utterly stupid when it comes to math, an ability managed by

way for my current nrarri:= been able to enjoy, a secuie

many parts of the brain, such as the intraparietal sulcus. Fortunately, my work

gold standard by u'hich

doesn't depend on math, nor do my relationships with my wife and daughter.

this book.

But my ability to read faces, emotional tone, and social cues (managed by the brain's right hemisphere) is a different matter. If I were weak in that area, I would be out of a job and maybe even a marriage (again). As we will see in

theories and reasons rhel

chapter 2, some parts of our brain predispose us to first and foremost seek security. This can wreak havoc on a relationship if we don't learn to use the more evolved parts of the brain to override this wiring and exert control over the primitive parts.

A second area of research is attachment theory, which explains our biological need to attach to or bond with others, starting with our earliest rela-

And I have been a c:r

As I mentioned, nnn,,

am offering can, i beliei'e. r ness the power

ofyour bra: in a scientifically support.: show you how to avoid c,-' relationships. These princr:

?

However insecurity manifests, as we

will

see

in chapter 3, it

has insidious

effects on a relationship if we don't try to rewire the dysfunctional tendencies

acquired early in life.

4

Creating a couple and secure.

tionships. Our early experiences form an instructional blueprint that is stored

in body memory and becomes part of our basic relational wiring-our sense of safety and security. In a nutshell, some individuals are fundamentally secure in their relationships, while others are insecure. Insecurity can lead us to remain distant from a partner or to harbor ambivalence about relating.

i:

?

Partners can nraxc parts of rhe brain

?

Partners relate r.' attached), islanls ambivalent).

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er{I

lalo IoJluoJ uaxe pue 8ur.rr.u aq] asn ol uJ€el luop ar'r 1 di {ees lsorueJoJ puE tsJrj ot sn ut eas IIr^a a^\ sV '(urc8e) e8e 1 'eale teql ur >lea.^d ere.\\ I _+l aqr [q pa8eueur) sanc ler]os F 'ralq8neP Pu€ eJI^\ lru t1lr,u s 4om lru 'trleleunpog 'snolns i Lq pa8euuur Llqrqe ue 'qteru ;og 'sdrqsuorteleJ Jno e^rJp l rno Surpuetsrepun roJ srs€q I€ ueruru{ aqr;o dpnrs aqt 'eru

ot uleqt rnd pue sent dS.raue puB

qJrBesol Jo

erurl dru

qlr't

eurEceq I 'rBJ os tue^r,r Aluo aldoed l.roddns lecrugcat

e

elll

-srp eqt tlauuoo ot un8eq

lo

llnPB uo pesnroJ Pue roJ P3: -nlB^ srqt pezrlBer 1 'purur dru pe[e1d deqr moq pe^resqo pur ,tra; lsed aqt ur pre,lrrro; sdea' -ueu Lpnrs splerj aqt ar3 I 1o ur arnpeJ p ru,1 'sdrqsuortelor

plnoJ Pa^aueg I qclBoset Jo

s

NOIJ_lnCOdJ-NI

WIRED FOR LOVE

?

Partners who are experts on one another know how to please and soothe each other.

v ?

Partners with busy lives should create and use bedtime and morning rituals, as well as reunion rituals, to stay connected. Partners should serve as the primary go'to people

for

The How Yo Other

(

one

another.

?

Partners should prevent each other from being a third wheel when relating to outsiders.

?

Partners who want to stay together must learn to fight well'

?

Partners can rekindle their love

at any time through

eye

contact.

?

Partners can minimize each other's stress and optimize each

o among u:

other's health' These principles are based on the latest science, but let me stress again: you don't have to grasp the technicalities of the science to understand these principles. I.have done that for you. In fact, I've done my best to make them

fun and enjoyable. I promise not to put you to sleep with scientific jargon. As I said, life is complex enough already. If there is a hallmark for this age, per.

ourselves iu

protected-r ning of recorded time.

\\

We need other people.

Some of us have parer

give us respite. Some of

r-

it will be our ability to take the complex findings of scientific research and apply rhem smoorhly and effectively in our everyday lives, to better

drugs and alcohol or oth

understand ourselves and to love more fully. Each chapter includes exercises to help you apply the principle discussed therein. You can do most of the exercises on your own, or you and youl part,

seminats, or even seek ps'

ner can do them together. Actually, there is a certain irony here. An importanr premise of this book is that happy couples share a high degree of closeness and togetherness. Yet most people tend to read books-even books about

This longing for a s: ners-whether in a rom: fail to use each other a. ,

relationships-on their own. So I encourage you to buck this trend. Share what is in this book with your partner. You will get even more out of it.

don't see the opportunirir

haps

wanted, satisfied, reliever

or focus on hobbies. Or means or less-than-savon

place in which to relax ar see

this frequently in

cou

they seek professionai helr

'd1eq

ieuorssa;ord

>1aes

darp

uosear Lra.L eql sr tr ueUO 'dderaqr >leas oq.tr saldnoc u1 ,lluenber; srqt ees

I 'JoJ peJEO pue 'patJetord 'petue,n 'petdecce IeoJ pue xeler ot gcrgm ur eceld aJ€s B ateeJc ol lraqlou€ euo JoJ eruoq e el€ru ot sertrunlroddo eqt eas t(uop Leql'secrol elnsoq 1ye

tsure8e seule pue satero^p€ sE rer{to r{r€e esn ot

IrEJ

uego-drqspuarrJ petrururof, .ro dlqsuouelar f,Itueuror € ur rar{lel{.{\-sJeu 4red 'le,\el{o11 'dn rled e.&\ uosear auo sr euoz e}es B roJ Sur8uol stt11 'euoz eJBs rno 1ees

al\-sueeur drones-ueql-ssal ro sueeur

ft1l1eaq 'auroselogm q8norqr-reqtoue Jo Lem eu6 'salqqoq uo sncoJ lo (sJEuIuIas >lJo.tt Jno ot uJnt sn Jo eruos 'lueur}BaJl lecrSologrdsd lees uela Jo ol urnl sn,o aluos 'paurlEc ro 'peletler 'perlsrles 'palue,la. ql,mor8 leuosrad

sn e)Bur ]Egt sep1.tlt?B lo seJuetsqns lel{to Jo loqocle pue s8nrp 'e,Lrle 1ea; sn Jo oluos 'san3ee110c ro sPueru ol uJnl sn Jo eruos 'elldse; sn antS

ol uJnt

ot sreqrueru l,11ue; leqto Jo sulsnoo ro s8utlgts ro stuered e^BI{ sn Jo eruos 'aldoad raqto paeu a1X\ 'eldoed reqto uo puedep al1 'sleurrue lerJos eJB olN 'auru paprof,al;o Sulu -ur8eg aql eJurs su€unq;o lrns:nd eql ueeq seq slql-patralord A A or 'ere a.tr se lsn[ se^lesrno /\ /\ pu' 'roJ prr'r 'paqsroq) ]aeJ oq-,[ Y L ag ot elq€ aq ol ,{1;eurg ;pe^ol leal o.t tu€.r{ t,usJop sn Suoue

'tIJo tno a.roru uaaa ta8 1 erBr{s 'PueD sryt Tlnq ot no.\ tnoqB qooq ua^3-s{ooq

PE:

sseuesolrJo ea;8ap q8rq e a:eqs

-rodrur

uV

'eJer{ duo;r

urelral

4red rnod pue nol, Jo 'u,uo rno pessncsrp aldlcupd agr dldde n

Jeneq

ol

'se.l,q Lepl,relo rno

qcreeser olJltuelrs;o s8urpur]

-red 'a8e srqt JoJ lJBrull€q e sl

sy 'uo8ref rUItuelJS gtrm daals ueql eIetu ot tseq du euop aeseql PuEtsJepun ot aJuerfs a :ure8e ssens aur lel lnq 'ecuert

qJBa ezrrurldo

pue

ssel:ls

q8norqr erurt AUB 'lleaa lqEU

ernf,es PUB OJES reqto rlsBg daey uBo no^ ^aoH :elqqng oldnoS eql

Ieaq

r

ol ur€al lsn

\ prnlt e Sureq ruo!

ouo JoJ eldoad ol.o8 ,i: 'pel)euuoc Lels ol

's1en

PUE erunPeq esn Pu€ at

I rlrdvHD

aseald

ol

^\oq

,rou1 ratltc

WIRED FOR LOVE

TT-TE

RELATIONSHIP COMES FTNST

"You keep sticking m

thinks I'm not good enoug

to end the Jenny and Bradley were on the brink of brealcup. Neither wanted relationship, but bad things kept happening, and each blamed the other. They had started dating as freshmen, and they were now about to graduate from

himl" Bradley's voice

college. Both wanted to get married and have a family.

it," he says in a lowered vo

She enjoyed Jenny's family resided on the East Coast near the coilege'

with them, particularly her mother, with whom she spoke daily. Bradley hailed from the \fest Coast, where his family lived. Because of the disrance, he made bnly one trip annually, each time inviting Jenny. She often felt neglected during these trips, despite the fact that she adored Bradley's father. Bradley liked to attend parties and engage with his friends in a way close ties

that left Jenny to fend alone against advances from other men and what she considered dull conversations with their dates. Bradley never seemed to notice Jenny's discontent during these events, but certainly felt the sting of her angry withdrawal afterward.

Their conversations would go something like this: "You always do this!" she says. "You bring me to these things and then leave me standing there as if I don't exist. I don't know why you bother to

rises

"Shhh," Jenny replie=. Bradley stops himselt. "Get what?" "Why you invite me. I to look at her. Jenny softens and mo loves you," she says. "l hea

likes you, too, he's just...1i1

Bradley's face snaps ir baloneyl If your family'lc.r

I hear it from them? If vc.u let me hang with your mor "Now you're being ri: "Just forget

itl"

'And you know rvhat

'

"You're just like your dad.

invite mel" Bradley's response is defensive. "I'm sick and tired of having this conver-

Jenny leaves the room

When we enter into

sation. You're being ridiculous. I didnt do anything wrongl" To make her case, Jenny brings up Bradley's friend, Tommy, who she says has been inappropriate with her. "He gets drunk and comes on to me, and you

be visible and importanr.

don't even notice. I don't feel protected by you at

we do and say to one anor

a11."

Bradley's response, again, is dismissive. "He's just playing around'"

These conversations usually ended with Jenny going off to sulk and Bradley feeling punished. Nor did things go better when the situation was reversed, Jenny often visited her family, and expected Bradley to join her. He

a

know how to achieve rhi'. @preciated.

lil/e want to I

our partner and will not

t

competing person, task, or

It hasn't always

been

complained she disappeared with her mother and sisters, forcing him to '!7hen the cou' "hang" with her father, with whom he had little in common. ple were alone, their conversations about this sounded similar in many ways

with the relationships oi,' past, rarely did couples ger Marriages were arrange,i

to the previous one:

Husbands and wives

star-e,

"I can't stand coming here," Bradley complains'

the same time, duty anJ

"'Why?" Jenny sounds surprised.

advantaged social contract Yet no one complained, be

6

'tueralJlp Surql[ue pelcadxa .{poqou asneJeq 'peurelduroc ouo ou ]aI 'alrd leuorloura ue tE eurBc r(tpnces pue fie;eg 'tcerluoJ leroos pa8etue'rpe -eleur E pelras-sreutred gtoq roy-uoue8rlgo pue dtnp 'erurl eruus eql rV '^ItuEJ rlegt roJ ,(tFncas eprno;d ol reqraSol peLels sa^l.r,la. pue spueqsnH 'sesod-rnd clulouoce pue ro; pe8ueue ara,,n sa8eurey,l 'snor8rler '1ecnr1od 'Jeqtoue euo po^ol leql esneceq raqlaSol te8 saydnoc plp ']sEd {dru1s ^ler€J uI 'pstuloddesrp L1a.Ler8 eq rqSrru am 'p10;o sdrqsuoneler erlt rltr.\\ serrntuec

sdtqsuorlelar enol s,Lepol ereduroc e.u;1 'Lem sr{} uoeq

'8ulqt ro

sLe,r,r,1e

t,us€q

tl

sB.{\

'uoslad Surladtuor

'>1sul

(.lurour rno.(

leEJoJ lsnf..

qlur Sueq

's-I1:l

sLe.tr .{uetu ur Jelrruls pepunn. -noJ erll uer{lN 'uourruol ui .

ol utn{ Sutcro3 'sretsis pur r JH 'rerj urof ol ,(e1pe:g Frrrrr pue

B Jo esn€req aceld plqr Jo puoJes or pere8eler eq tou IIr^d pu€ reulred rno dq lueuodrur se pepre8er u drgsuouelal Jno .{\ou>l ot tue^(r er16 'patercardde pue pecrtou eJE stJolJa rno.^.roul ol tue.^a al6 'Jarlloue auo ol Les pue op e.t ter{nr jo rlcnu sadeqs t} t€qt rlomu os tr luE..ra e,^d. tnq 'srqt e.tanlce o} ,{roq ^\ourl e.ro, telperg pue [uua[;o asef, er{] ur sV 'tuetlodun pue elqrsr^ eq ]ou ^Eru ol 'raulled Jno ol Jalleur ol lue, a e.tr 'drqsuorleloJ e olur Jelue e./r\ ueqlA,

'rar{ puryeq roop eq} Sunuuels 'urooJ eqt se,reel duuef ,,'euoLla.r.e;o tuo5 ur rt13u u,raop eru lnd notr 'pep rno[ a1]J tsnf er,notr., sedorl ur senunuof, Laperg (.lesle teq.tr ,uou1 nod puy,,

'Suueeg reg;o

,,ill

uorlBnlrs eql uoq.r ratr.

llns ol ;o

Suro8 -iuuei

..'punore 8ur,(e1d lsni s.; ,,'11E rE

nol, pue 'eru ol uo setuor Fu? sdes aqs

oq,u'druurol 'puai:r

:

:.

,,13uo:.t Fulq -Jenuoc srql Surlerl Jo Faln

iii

ot Jaqtoq noL ,ft1,tr ,\{oul uaq.t pue s8urq: esaq:

'Joop aqt roJ spBeq eqs se sarlder .{uue[ ,,'snolnrrpu Sureq e.r,noL nog,,

I.uil ol .Lu

:s1qr arj

eur ra1

ueTo eqs '.(uue[ 8ur]r.lur arur: arlt Jo asnBsag 'Pe^ll ,\FUEJ !

lB lool ol

trr

e9s req,tr puB ueul Jerllo tuor-:

s(teql 'seLa srg ur sJ€at qlr^a 'pauappa; '.trer.L otur sdeus acey s,Lelpe.rg ('teqt e{JI"'tsnf s,eq 'oot 'nod sa>1t1 'sJetsrs [ru pue ruol{ urorJ erur] eql 's,{es eqs ,,'nod senol IIB ter{t JBaq L,

;o Suus aqt tlal Llurelrar rnq ot perueas ra,Lau .{alperg sa

os sr pBp rnod;1 lureq} uroU tl JEei{ I {1rue; rno,( 31 1.{auoleq

pue 'rurq qll.tr

luop

1Is

not r,uop

.{q,rrr '8ura.o1

,{g,u,, 'suoltetonb re8ug

qutr

s,{es

eq

,,,'au-r seAo1,

^

peq

[1]ruey dy1,, 'arntse8 8ur,r.o1 B rllr^\

urq

I

'JeqtBJ rnod

qlltr

Le,tr e

ur spuerU srq qlr \\

s,Lelperg perope eqs teqt

pJe^,\ot salour pue suagos duuef 'req

'{pp

peeq sn{ Sursrer tnoqtr,r\'sLes eq ,,'ereq peq 1ee; rsnl I 'eru a]tlur nod dqr16,,

.,1€q.{ tac,, 'eJrol paJelaol e ur sles aq

r:t

alods als uorlA\ r{rl

rr.

pado[ua egg 'a8a1loc eq] rEeu ,,

ta8 t(uop L, 'p€eq srq Surddorp pue sdq srq Sursrnd Jlesurq sdo1s,{elperg ,,'11a[ ],uoq,,'serldar duuef,,'qqqg,, '.ra8ue ur sasrr erron s,l,e1pe;g ,,;urq t1tt.t aer8e noL elil tce nol, Jeuurp t€ pu€ (no^ rol q8noue poo8 rou tu,l slunll

eq esn€f,aq ruJon\ e a>lll IeeJ

IlSSng lldnol

ruo4 otenper8

o1 lnoqe .rrou

,(aq1 'retlro er{r peureiq

rllEe : :

aqt puJ or palue^\.laqrr:,1

ISUIJ Sl

eru Surlcns dael notr,,

lHJ

WIRED FoR LOVE

'W'e

In our modern'Western culture, marriage for loye tends to be the norm.

"Okay," Bram respon

expect to be swept off our feet or to feel whole and completed or to believe

the bathroom?" he quips.

we've met our soul mate. And we expect this profound connection to sustain

our relationship. Nothing seems more important. However, these feelings and

"You may go withour:

I expect you to

ideals often exact a price ifwe as partners are unable to provide one another

with a satisfying level of security. The truth is, even if a couple does experi-

get your h

They share a smile get out

ence a profound connection, this represents only the beginning of their rela-

ar

ofthe car, "but no

As you can

see, Jennr

tionship. lVhat ultimately counts in the life of the couple is what happens 'S7hat after their courtship, love affair, or infatuation phase. counts is their

ent ways of handling situ,

abillty to be there for one another, no matter what.

But let's look at both

Consider another couple, Greta and Bram, both thirty. When they mar-

tionship works betrer. tec ce,u

why they function as the\-

ried a year ago, they rented an apartment in the city, where Greta was securely employed as a school teacher. Bram's family lived in a nearby rural town, and

he commuted to work in the family agricuitural business. Each year, Greta was required to attend a gala fundraiser for her school.

AuroNoMYV,

It was not the type of event that ordinarily suited Bram, who preferred dun-

Imphcit in Jenny's and Br

garees to dress shirts, ties, and jackets. He also tended to feel shy and even a

independent ofthe other

bit tongue tied, especially in gatherings with folks he didn't know. Greta, on the other hand, moved well in large circles of strangers. Despite their differences, however, Bram prepared himself for an evening with Greta on his arm. Their conversation as they dressed went something like this: "It's not you, you know," Bram says with a concerned look on his face, while on his third attempt to make a proper tie. "I just dont like being with all these peopie I dont know."

"I know," Greta replies, staring straight ahead as she applies her eyeliner. "I appreciate your willingness to come anyway. The moment you want to leave, we'll go. Okay?"

"Okay," says Bram, as he finally gets the tie right.

After she parks their car, Greta turns to Bram and switches on the overhead light. "How do I look?" she asks, puckering her lips. "Beautiful as usual," Bram replies with a lingering gaze into her eyes. She scans his eyes in return, and a moment passes as they enjoy a mutual gale of excitement. "Let's make a plan," she says softly. "You'Il keep me on your arm when we go in, and I'11 probably see some people I know. Don't leave me, okay? I want to introduce you."

10

'

say

rheir model is one oi

first, and

as a

ar

couple secor

personal needs over rhei:

this, they. might

repl-v tha

"their own person" and Jc However, it's not quir,

in an autonomous fashic.n

or her own purpose. Wher

other foot, he or she feels i sense

of independence

u',

depend on one another ro

this problem when they rl but painfully aware when

I think

it's fair to

sa

behavior is not really auro: "If it's good for me, you sl result, they continualll'

p1a

the other person. Their ur

II

op II(I pue Surqt rno[ op notr,, st a8essaru 8ul{rapun rla]-lJ 'uosled reqlo aqr raqurerlrer ol IrEJ r{cBe lagl ureraq.tr suor]Bntls 1no.&1d dlpnurluoc lagl ']1nsar e sV 'tueruear8e ;o ad.{t ,,I gtlm tr{81r ile eq plnoqs nod 'aru ro; poo8 s,l1 ;1,, ue ot Surprocce Surnq ere daqt 'JeI{teU s,,(a1pe.lg

'11e

le durouorne Ll1eer }ou

sI JoI^Bqag

pue s,,{uua[ ,(q partdurr [tuouo]ne aqt ,(es ot rIBJ s.tl Iuqt I 'rce18au;o ILIIITIA el{t erB daqr 1ee; ,{aqr uaq.u ere.tte d11n;ured rng

'durouotne pe]lec-os rroqt Surureturetu ar,Larlt >1ulp laqr uerl,tr ualqord srtir jo erB^(rBun ere Lar11 'pelcalord pue tueuodrul IeeJ ol rerllouB euo uo puedep ,iagr rlorqaa ur suoltentls ur L1rood dlptcadse sryo^\ acuoPuadapur Jo esuas srgl'lueuodrulun pue 'peddorp 'pessrutstp sleeJ el{s ro aq'1oo; reqlo s,eldnoc

eqt uo

.^Aou sl

eoqs Frqre^ord aqr rerp spulJ JaI{]Ia ueql6 'asodrnd u,^Ao JeI{ ro asec aqt $ sr{} 'drJle"r u1 tnq 'uorgseJ snoruouotne uE uI

srrl strns tr uaq.^A

e^Eel t.uoq '^\ou{ I aldood arur,: uo aru daa>1 11,no1,, '.{p-1os sru=

Ienlmu e do[ua daqr se sassed : 'sel,e req olur azeF 8ur:a8ul 'sdr1

-Ie^o eql uo

ol luen\

serlf,tr.A^s

raq Fu'

t:l:"::

noL luaruour

eql

',\:,

'.reur1a[e rag sartdde eqs sE FEa,

{uo

e^Br{eq ot rerl}o egt stcedxe qcea 'satr 'aldurs letll elrnb lou s.ll 'le.La.lrro11 'punorB ruer{t ssoq auo rerllo aqt }al t.uoP pue ,,uosJad u,4d.o Jlaql,,

ere l,eql teqt ro 'ecuapuadepur leqt enlea Leqr retlt {der rq8lu deqr 'stqr

qlur Sureq eltl rpop lsn[ 1.. 'a 'ece; srq uo >lool paureruor E :slqt elil 8ulgtaru..,

uela pue [qs IaaJ o] popuet o -unp perreJord oq,l'ruerg parr

plnor alN 'ra1€ pelool eq ol lcedxa tou plnoqs puB reqto erp;o ruapuedepur

uo 'eterg './t\ou{ r,up]p eq s{lqr

'durouotne Jo euo sI lePow rtaqt des

4aJJrp rraqt atldsoq 'sra8ue:rs:

tnoq€ utaqt peuorlsanb no[;1 'eldnoc E s€ speeu Jlaql Ja^o spaeu leuosrad rrer{t azrtrroud Leqt 'eloqs o} seruoc qsnd ual{l6. 'PuoJas aldnor e se pue 'lsrg slenpl^lput

s€

sellesrueqt aes Aeqr 'sI

tBqI

puets plnoqs qc€e teqt Jerleq € sr aAn€JrBu s,lalperg pue s,[uua[ ut ttcttdruy

'urJB srq uo BIaJC glr.tr Surue.r:

B

'looqrs JJq JoJ;asre:pun; e1e;

AIIfVNINW

SNSU:IA

AWONOINY

sseursnq IE

pue 'u,lot prnr Lqreau

E

ur

pa-

Llarncas se.r\ BlarC arag.,n 'f,trc e -reur Leqr

uaql6 ',{rlt1l qloq '

-eler rreqt;o Suruu€ag aqr i1u -uedxe saop eldnoo € Jr uo^e 's

,l,ia.t e^Eq tuerg pue eta.IC pue ,{elperg pue [uua['ees uBr noL sy (('eur ol are nod s€ luelJodurr sB lou lnq,, 'JeJ erll Jo lno la8 eterg ,,'tueuodrtrr sr qol srq;,, 'ssr] pue el]uls B ereqs daql

suaddeq teq^a sr aldnoc eqt,1o

-BIer r{f,rq^\ snorlqo dyqeqord s,t1 'eldnoc E sE suoltBntrs Surtpueq Jo sden tua

Jraqt sr slunoc reglX 'esegd u

'are deqt s€ oq ot aruuc Leqt s€ uoltounJ laqr l^qm pu€ 'op ^roq ^ol{t e.tt }l ees pue IJBtep rateer8 ur seldnoc qtoq tE Iool s(tel rng 'l,reldruexe se dn plaq aq ol selJesap pue 'renag sleeJ {tereq sryo.r,r dtgsuon

.t€q.r

puelsrepun uBJ

-ra;;1p

Laqt se

sdes

('eJI^\ inJltnBeq rnod ol lo€q tlnq eruosPueg rno[ ]eB ol no.{ lcadxe

1

tnoqtt4^ oB deru notr,, 'ler1t rage tnq,, 'pulI ur spuodsar,{1>1lnb etelg ,,'eur 'sdrnb aq ((4uoorr-lteq eril

ol

oB

o] a^Bq I jI tBrllN,, 'alrus snorxue uE r{tr^\ spuodser ruerg ,,'.{e19,,

Jeqtoue euo epr,tord ot elqeun (rala^\oH 'tu pue

sFur.1aa;

aseqt

ul€lsns ol uon3euuoc punolo:d a^erleq or ro peralduroc pue alo 'urJou erlt aq ot sPuat e^ol roj

llggng lldnol lHJ-

WIRED FOR LOVE my thing." Sounds mutual, doesn't it? Yet it is anything but mutual because it requires that the other partner be okay or else, and it condones the partners readily throwing one another under the bus. This brand of autonomy doesn't reflect true independence, but rather a fear of dependency. Instead of representing strength, it can represent weakness.

In contrast, Bram and Greta each appear to know something about how 1We can say their model the other thinks and feels, and each cares about that. is one of mutuality. It is based on sharing and mutual respect. Neither expects the other ro be different from who he or she is, and both use this shared knowledge as a way to protect one another in private as well as public settings. For example, Greta anticipates Bram's discomfort and addresses it in a way that protects his dignity. She acts as if she needs him, though she knows he is the needier one in this situation. Neither Bram nor Greta is poised to throw the other under the bus. It is as if they maintain a protective bubble around

ExnncISE: The teeling of closenesq ic ner and how safe you feel to Vour partner, but he or

s

so. And the same goes for Now, discorer sonte

oT

1. ln the previous ser another-for examplt tees have you giren

2. What guarantees \\o 3. What guarantees \\o

themselves.

The couple bubble rs a term I like to use to describe the mutually constructed membrane, cocoon, or womb that holds a couple together and pro' tects each partner from outside elements. A couple bubble is an intimate

4.

You don't need to rer

one. Look for monrer

and promise safetr.

environment that the partners create and sustain together and that implicitly guarantees such things as:

V

"I will never leave you."

?

"I will never frighten you purposely."

V

"\7hen you are in distress, I will relieve you, even if I'm the one who is causing the distress."

?

? I

Alongside our modern

\\,

"Our relationship is more important than my need to be right,

evidence of loneliness insi.

your performance, your appearance' what other people think or

violence and alienation; an

want, or any other competing value."

remain well above ideal. Li

"You will be the first to hear about anything and not the second,

turn to solutions that can b thing" or "You take care oi

third, or fourth person I

psychology pronouncemen'

te11."

say "implicitly," but couples can and often do make explicit agreements

around any or all of the elements that constitute the couple bubble.

I2

How Couprrs AuroNoMY O.

and "You have to love r,our Is any of this true? is

loves you?

it

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WIRED FoR LOVE Think about it. How could this be true? If it were true, babies would come into this world already self-loving or self-hating. And we know they don't. In fact, human beings don't start by thinking anything about them-

Neither Bram nor Gr children that their parent

selves, good or bad. We learn to love ourselves precisely because we have expe-

hood memories of their pe much delay any hurt t-eel

rienced being loved by someone. We learn to take care of ourselves because

quite skilled at handling

somebody has taken care of us. Our self-worth and self-esteem also develop

difficult. Because she had

because of other people.

the best way, mind r-ou-

If you don't

agree

with what I'm suggesting, check it out for

yourself,

Think of a time when you were young and your parents didn't believe in you 'Were you still able to believe in yourself? M"yb. you were. But if in some way. so, how did you do it/ From where or from whom did you get your belief? Or 'Were think of an ex-romantic partner who didn't believe in you or trust you. you able to believe in or trust yourself nonetheless? From where did you get that beliefand trust/ In each ofthese cases, chances are very good that ifyou did believe in yourself, that belief originated with somebody important to you. This is how we come to be as we are: all our prior interactions and relation-

C

Despite his irascible natur hdppiness and well.beine.

Bram had a simllar e strung, which sometimes the other hand, was rath,

mother in the best war-. Br ness; his mother loved the

about responding to a par well for and feels good r.'

ships have shaped the person we are today.

Many couples who come together these days share various ideals about love relationships, yet their prior experiences of love don't match up with their ideals. That's a problem, because nitty-gritty personal history always trumps ideals. This is just the way we're wired. I( for example, we didn't witness devo-

tion in our parents'marriage, we won't have positive role models for loving to draw upon in our own adult relationships. If we never saw mutual care, sensitivity, and repair in our parents' marriage, those values likely will elude us. Our two couples clearly illustrate this principle. Neither Bradley nor Jenny is doing anything radically different from what he or she experienced as a child. For instance, Jenny's mother often abandoned Jenny's father in social

situations, just as Jenny now abandons Bradley. Jenny never experienced her parents as loving or close. To the contrary, they often used the children in

WHY PAIR UPI You might be wonderinc one you want to make. ]n

There is nothing inh,

gle. This book is nor at'c-ru

I

know plenty of pe avoid coupling nor weep i style.

with their lives either

n ar

:

great, and if not, that n-ou

tive merirs of relarionship= other. Some data-inclui

their arguments. Jenny's mother complained to her father about his going off to be with his pals at the bar and leaving her to fend for herself. Bradley's parents often were too busy doing their own thing to spend much time with their kids. His mother was known to drive his father out of the house with her

However, others-includii

criticism, something Bradley also resents whenever he becomes Jennyt target

and Richard Lucas anci Ar

of harsh judgment.

people who get married re

14

and Maggie Gallagher rn

that married people are n

SI

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WIRED FoR LOVE don't marry. Janice Kiecolt Glaser and her colleagues (2005) found unhappily married folks to be more prone to illness than are happily single folks.

we can work toward res.

One obvious reason people pair up is for procreation. This instinct is embedded in our DNA to ensure the survival of our species. However, pairing up for this purpose doesn't necessarily translate into the need for a long-term, committed relationship. There's certainiy no proo{ at least as far as our spe-

their issues together, u-iil

cies is concerned, that monogamy is nature's mandate.

I find it interesting

life. In fact, neurobiologists studying voles report that prairie voles (who bond with a that some mammals, such

as wolves and prairie voles, do pair up for

partner for life) and meadow voles (who do not bond for life) have identifiable genetic differences. It is possible scientists one day will identify human genes that explain why we do or don't decide to pair up.

In the meantime, to understand the purpose of pairing up with another human being, we can think about what happens to a baby. Ideally, all babies have a parent or other caregiver who puts their relationship before all other matters. The baby feels loved and secure, and the adult also enjoys the feeling

of being loved and of being with and caring for the baby. The two are in together. We call this

a

it

primary attaclment relationship, because the baby and

caregiver are bonded, or attached,

to one another. You could

say this is a

"baby bubble'-much like the couple bubble, only occurring during infancy.

This baby bubble se$ the stage for enjoyable relationships with others later in life. If at an early age we experienced security and a love we could trust, we carry this with us. As adults, we are able to form new primary attachment relationships. \7e feel capable of being strong and loving and secure. On the other hand, if at an early age our relationships with caregivers were less than secure, and the caregiver did not seem to value being with us over all other matters, we are likely to be fearful or worried about entering into or being in relationships. ('!7e will talk in more depth about attachment in the next chapter.)

L

Let's look at what rr ners keep one another sa

Merctxc rH

The couple bub'ble : thing and evervthins c-' esteem, and disrress rel:.

you. You borh agree r,'

;

"V/e come first." In this

.,'

.I

pact or taking a vo\\'. another.

Sometimes peopl. :

thing that worries me

ab

of this from both men an deal breakers include ret better way to scare off

a

quate with respect to an herself before securirr

i:

Partners enterins inr

own it to fully appreciarr don't honor the couple b

often the reason is thar

something, and you get p

can you say I must buv hi enough?" My answer

i.

;

or she shouldn't even be Mostly, I see parrner: another, but Gar the prt-

WE CoME FIRST if now, if

Obviously we can't change what happened when we were infants. However,

those early influences are affecting how we feel about relationships they hinder our ability to form the kinds of bonds we want in our lives now,

1.6

achieve rhls kind oi rct.

better will become deal

I

tive features each chcsc contain annoying elemer

LI

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WIRED FOR LOVE but now disiike that he cracks jokes when you want him to be serious. Or you may admire her musical talent, but be annoyed when she wants to practice the piano instead of walk with you. Sometimes partners in this situation want to bargain: "Can I just take

outer space, but would har

you with the parts I like, and we'Il agree to hold the rest?" Sorry. This isn't a burger joint, where you get to hold the pickles and let'

nation, this is preciseiv u'h

tuce. You want it and you buy it as is, or you move on. I realize this might sound harsh. But I have said as much to couples. And generally they respond by taking stock of the situation. They recognize the toll their ambivalence is

taking on the relationship. Then they are able to move clearly in one direction or the other.

ing accelerant to go farrh aiming for the stars, anJ there. But if we want the i

HOLDING TC The couple

bubb.le is

is to burden one anorher',r

safety, security, and u'ell-b, shared gratitude and valua

ANT WE READY?

when the going gets toueh. hold your relationship tt,':e

I'm not

suggesting

you try to create a couple bubble prematurely.

Sometimes couples find a bubble has been created at the very start of their relationship, with no effort on their parts. A good example of this occurs in WestSide Story when the star.crossed lovers, Tony and Maria, arrive at the dance. Their newly discovered love is represented as a spotlight on them, while everyone else fades into the background. Of coulse, we'|| never know

what would have happened

if

tragedy hadnt cut short their love affair.

Chances are they would have had to work to maintain their couple bubble.

It is important to remember that the casual dating and courtship

phases

are different from a relationship that's moving toward or has become imbued with a sense of permanence. In the beginning of a relationship, we are besot'

This doesn't mean \'.lu

hurt each other. lt Joe.r' : things will happen, no n'iai yourself before the relari.

other to your fundamental

Then, when either cr gentle reminder: "Her', I tr The transgressing partner situation.

EXENCTSE: T

ted and captivated by the blissful hopefulness and mutual admiration we feel. Our brains are awash rn dopamine and noradrenaline, two chemicals that

After you and your partner

greatly enhance excitement, focus, and attention. When we leave each other's

next step is to monitor it. 1

orbit, our brains wrestle with diminished serotonin, a chemical that often calms anxiety and obsession. 1We find ourselves thinking, "'When will I see

the bubble is a process. li':

him again?" or "should I call her tomorrow?" and other thoughts that keep us connected to this one among billions of fishies in the sociai sea. Of course, this shared lovefest obscures the fact that we don't really yet 'We are a bit like a know each other well. In the moment, who cares, right? rocket that is launched with sufficient acceleration to make it to the edge of

ln this exercise, rou u you will identify the signs tr

18

of its own. And as sllch.

\r

safety and securit),, it \\as

1. 0ver the next ueek self and iour pdn'

{

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e,nr8

qg,

lHI :ISI]XIIX:I

'l,es uec rau]red Sursser8suerl eq1

Jar{}o eqt 'elelsrru B seI€ru nod ouloc a1X\,,

;o euo raqlle

uatln.t 'ueq1

:luauleer8e lelueurepun; lnoL ol Jel{lo relleru ou 'uaddeq p.r,t s8ulqr

(.'lsJIJ

11yvr

no[ ueatu seop ]r'ra.te.rrrog

11e

sr

'ter.l.&\

a)l:ril r '- .: a.\ '--':-: .,-

;o a8pe oqt ot tI e

'aprnord o1 peuFlsap su,u lr ,4lunces puu ,{teJBs oUt Fu!plno;d tou s! olqqnq e;dnoc lno,{ noA llat tplll suFrs eqt {}ltuapl llrnr no,{ 'Jolou olqnoJl olqqnq u do;enep 1|1nn no,{ 'aslcJoxa srlll ul

uuour I lulll

^g'eslnd slr olul plnoqs no,{ 'qcns sE puv 'uMO slt l0 plnoc do1 'FuloFuo s,ll 'ssacord p sl olqqnq oLll al!l B souJnsse olqqnq eqt ,{us^lluclp0ued Fululetuleu 'oppu uaoq sBLl lueuaarEp uu rlFnollilV'l! Jolluour ol s! dals txou orll 'luourooJFu e;qqnq a;dnoc p olu! poJotua anuq ;aul.rud ;no,{ puu no,{ ;e1;y

u]r1l^t llsnOUI lrssnfl

oIlenlIS

eqt xrJ Allcrnn pue ,,'peq ftu 'qea[

.('Jarlto qf,Ea JoJ op ot paar8e e^\ teq.& sr srtll rq8norlt 1 tep1,, :rapurtuer eltua8

e

111,tr

r{cBe ploq

asaqJ 'plnoqs Jelau dlernlosqe noL legl .rou 'drgsuoneler erit ero;eq;iasrnol, slnd leqr uorsrJap e e{€ru releu ueJ noL ueatu l(useop tI 'raqto qr€a unq {leluaprcce ro de.tt aqr Suop se{B}srlu e1eru t(uo.4A noL ueatu l,useop srql reqle8ol drqsuorteler rnol ploq ot uo tunoJ {lear uec nod

elll

rlq E erE

red d11eer t(uop e.r\ rrJ- -rr- ; lL:l : :-- -

'Eis

sn daal

teql stq8nou- *:-j-. :

ees [ ]Il^\ ueqa\..':..:;- ---uar;o ritp le:rtuaur . ",.:,; -

s,leqlo qlBe e.\Erl J.i. --:

_

lBrll slBcrueqr o-r!r'i'-.:-:-'.-:-ir'laal e^\ uortElrurFP -losaq aJ€ e.tr

.J::.-*'- :'.-

'dttlsu,tt-.,-::

Penqul eruof,Oq SEL- r r-:, , saseqd drqsr.rnor Fli :- - : 'elqqnq oldnor re-- -: - --'rBljs e^ol IJqr -: :., _' : ,t\oul re^eu II,e\\ '--:-: :

_

_

_

'uet1l uo tg8rltods E !::r--: '.:

er.[] ]E eAIJJE 'euEJ\

uI sf,nJco slr{l lo llJLll jo

ar-:

:,

a1,Jr-u::t:

J.ters .(le.r

eq: -,- r:

',{larnler-ua.rd alqqnq

,

-

.

r:

elqqnq eldnoc eqt 'q8not ste8 Suro8 eqt ueq./y\

'tr tnoqe lurqr no[;1 'eouauedxe uec r{]oq no.{ uouenle.r pue epntuer8 par€qs ;o aer8ap eq] seururJetap ueprnq lentnu sq1 '8uraq1la.^a pue '^]unras tta;Es s(reqto eqt roJ Suuec pue rrono^ep Jo s>lset oqt

onb ord plnb eqr qcrq,l.r

w srautred

uee.4ateq

qtl^\ rerltoue auo uaprnq ot

sr

-ceJrp euo ur direap o,\Lrr-i: -

tced e sr alqqnq eldnoc eq1

JI

sI ecuelB^lqlu€ Jlotll 11ol aur : puodse; laqr [11ereua8 pu1 ; I 'uo e.1^.-!-

OT DNIC]OH

rg8tur stqr azIIBar

-lrl pue sa11ld eqr ploLl c: --. riilsol erir :

'1no 1r ernEg ot paau e^\ ueq^\ Llesrcerd sr slrlt 'uorteu

-Itsep str Sunlcear;o orueqr E puets ol drqsuoueler aqt tuB^a e,r Jr

tng 'eJer{l

ta8 a.tr uaq^\ tno Surqldre.,re ern8g 11,e,u, eurnsse pue 's;els aql ro; Surrure eq ot petrcxe tsnf er,e.tr 'drqsuor]e1er ,tteu E uI 'rer{tJEJ oB ot luerelacce 8ur -lnpua olour E a8e8ue pu€ retsooq srl uos]Dal o] a^Bq plnom tnq 'areds latno

llggng Eldnol

a>1e1

lsnf

acrlcerd noL

rg

slue. d. eqs uar{-\\

ol

uEC,, :ure8req or

I

'snorJas aq

i

ol utn{ tu€

lHJ_

WIRED FOR LOVE certain degree of ebb and flow. What you want t0 d0 is be 0n the lookout for times when the ebb is serious enough t0 warrant sounding an alarm.

1.

Devote yourself r..

'

simply to your iJea feel safe and secu:e

2. Pay special attention t0 th0se moments of trouble. What happenslr What

Your job is to knc''

are you feeling, and what is your partner feelingP What kinds of things do yOu say to each otherP For example, you mi$ht nOtice that you g0 off and

him or her feel saie

leave your partner alone al such times. This then is a sip;n for your meter.

z.

Don't pop the a

3. Make a list of the specific signs you identify. Share these with your parl ner. Discuss how you can recreate your bubble, and strengthen it t0

b'ub'b

fundamental, im;

ther of you shoulj Acting in an amtr', and partly out tri ri created. If this is :l into an auditionin;

prevent further stressful incidents. Remember: the bubble protects yOu

bothl lt's yours, s0 keep it clean and polished every day.

bubble you har-e

In later chapters, we will look in more detail at how to maintain your

s.-

). Make sure the b'ubi

couple bubble.

is not codependen;

other, while

ign.',:-,

resentment and trtl

Flns-r GUTOTNG PRINCIPLE

form a couple L,ubb. selves accordingl.,.

The first principle of this book is that creating a couple bubble

allows pdrtners

available to me u'he

to keep each other safe ond secure. Together, you and your partner can create and maintain your bubble. You agree do things for one another that no other person would be willing to do, at least not without getting paid. In

without expectinr comply with our ag

fact-and

If either of us con. will be fired.

this is important, so listen up-anyone who offers with no strings attached to do what partners must do for each other most definitely u.,ants something from you (e.g., sex, money, commitment). If you're in a committed relationship and someone else seems willing to fill in for your partner, watch outl As the saying goes, there's no such thing as a free lunch.

in

So, the couple bubble is something you work on together. But also keep mind that you are responsible for your end of the deal. You keep it up

in the principle, not merely because your partner is or isn't wiiling to do the same. It works only when both partners operate on a

because you believe

principled level and not on the level of "You go first." Here are some supporting principles to guide you:

20

4.

Plan to use vour

ca

and your p?rtner

r

another, and share support and prorec: go into social situar

can make a plan ah by your bubble.

A.

(

ratively hold hanis remaining

in coni:

TZ

pue 'Jeqloue ouo 8ur{Jerl 'raqloue auo qlr.r\ lJeluol ur Suruleurer ueeru I spueq Surplog [g 'ruane erlr rnoq8norrl] spuerl ploq ,{1a.trrer -n8g uec nod os reqleSot lro.4a 'plp ruerg pue BlerC sV 'elqqnq rnod Lq Pelcatord aq qtoq llar nod sernsur tEqt aruuJo peetle ueld B e{Eur uE:) tlnlil;rp 8ur.r1o.r.ur seuo Llprcadsa 'suortenlrs lercos otur oF nod 'aldoed

rautred rnoL pue nod;a.Leuaqm 'aldruexa JoC 'uortoalord pue lroddns Jo sueew .4.reruud ;no[ sr ]I 'se1trlrqerauln,t rnoL al€gs pue 'raqtouu euo uo {a: 'd1eq roJ reqlo qJEe IsB sLe,lo.le uec reutred rnoL pue noL r1clq,r,r. ur aceld eJEs E sapr^ord l1 'elqqnq aldnoo rnoL esn ot uEId 'v .PerrJ eq

III^\

dlarns sn Jo euo 'seldrcuud rno uo e8eueJ ot sanurtuoJ sn Jo Jorltro JI 'op or 8ur1pt euros e^Er{ e^\ 'saldrcuud uodn-peer8e rno rllr^{ Alduroc ]iuseop reutred ,ftu;r 'uaq1 '1srg oB ot raq ro urg Suucedxa tnoqtr^\ 'oot elqepe.te;1esftu el€ul tsnur 1 lng 'paeu I Ja^auaq^\ eru ot alqele^B

eq plnoqs rautred [u Les uec 1 'eldruexe roC ^fi8urprocce se,tlas -ruaql trodruof, pue seldrcuud eqt uo eer8e qroq 'alqqnq eldnoc e urroJ

:a-^

tou

" ::!_

..:::e uo ajerado s;eur:pl rl- J ,: ;o st :auued lno.i tinp::- '. ;: dn I daal nol 'l€eF aut j, :' rng 'reqiaSot u- :.:, dee>1

osle

SurLes aqt sV ;tno qlr-".r. ::.---: oue drusuorterel nrt-1-.---. - II.lI

uog Sutqlau:oS Slr-ti -; .",r:-:: -:: ot prqrelle s8ur.rt: -'j --.. --: puB-IJEJ uy 'ptrJ ;::---:: -- reLlto ou tErll reqr.uL ;- - - el€eJJ uec .laulrBd lr--,.': :r: alqrx- -' -''. : -' uaulto(

slxollD

1l

sreulred ueq,n 'lse.rtuor uI 'sseJlsrp leuorloure laqlo pu€ lueurluaser or Surpeel snq] 'stue,r pue spoau u^d.o Jraql SuuouEr ailq^d (Jaqlo

elBt\

srqt 'eto51 'perouoq pue peurBtureu.llenlnu sr elqqnq aqt erns

qJBe roJ ro q8norql a,u1 sreur-red ruapuaQapo3'LcuepuedapoJ

sr

'c

'patf,nnsuoc d11njarec os e^Bq no^ elqqnq aL[] Jo strJeuaq aqt II€ asol I]L{\ noL pue uortrsod Suruortrpne ue otur pef,roJ oq IIU{ noL;o qroq ro euo 'tslsrad ot pa^dolle sr snlt JI 'peteerf, a.r.eq nod ,(tltncas aqt soururapun 'drqsuouelal er{t Jo tno {rred pue ur Lllred sr ter1t eJuets e 8ur1el lo 'leuuBtu tuele^rqurB ue ur SurtcV 'dod or Suro8 sr elqqnq eqt terlt duo,r,r or a^Er{ plnoqs noL;o raqr

-reu 'Ltunces pue dlayes;o esuas etnlosqe pue 'tr]I1dul 'letuoruepun; e uollBpunoJ srr s€ seq alqqnq aldnoc er{r esnBreg 'alqqnq aqr dod t,uoq

'arnfas PUE

e{Eur ot ,trorl pue raut.red rnod ol sJaDEur terl^a 'noL uor; nol,

a>1eur

eJes IaaJ Jeq Jo

^\ouI

ol

deru

ltdnol

L1e;es Jo esuos

',\Pp

\Jd\; l:,,:

no^ sicaloJd olqqnq aUl :r.,it -.,: 01 1l uoqlFuOJis puP 'alcltirritt " -lJucl JnO{ LlllM a\OLll ,Z

Jol0u JnO^

JOJ

dJPrlr '-

uFls E sr uallt s

puE lJo oF no4 lPql JJllotr lLlF

urrq

1

:;

..-

op sFuttll Jo spuu lutlM iFuilaal lurlM isuodduq lEq^ 'alqn0Jl lr,

sr qof rnotr

sarrnbar .rautred rnod lerl.tr eg tou Leru erncas pue

aJES IeeJ

leqr16 'eq plnoqs teql teri,r\ tnoge eapi rnod ol dydurrs etolec .I

tou pue .f]lrncas pue

rtssng

s,;euued lno^ ol ;lasrnod

'urJulu uu Fulpunos luBJJs\\ 0i

ln0l00l

0Ll1

rl

u0 0q sl 0p 01 lLrE\\

tHJ

WIRED FOR LOVE being available at a moment's notice. Rely on eye contact, physical contact, whispering, hand signals, smoke signals-whateverl Conspire together about how you will address difficult people. Perhaps you will

literally hold hands or si.t next to one another in their presence. \Ue'll further discuss how to protect your couple bubble in chapter 7. In the meantime, remember that splitting up to deal with difficult people or

situations leaves you vulnerable. Together, you can be truly formidable.

The \il/ar How Y

tf;*",:x Shenice continues, " interested?"

She looks, steelv eve;

"Don't give me that interested but just can't J, we're talking about real p

Darius and Shenice.

one another and har-e .i

together they are like tlr, warning.

"Don't put that on n "l'm interested," he

eyes.

do this bubble thing. I'm

r

your folks."

"You're bringing rh;l exasperation.

Friends and familv ot pers and the scenes ther-

22

pu€ euole 'eruoq rreqt eplstno pue ur etEeJr ueuo ,{er1t seuecs aqr pue srad -urat ra88ut-rreri rreqt qtl^d rErImrBJ ere eldnoc srqt Jo Lprue; pue spuauC

'uorleredsexe

qt1rl IcBq peer{ JerI s.rorr{t ecrueqs *;u1e8e dn wW Sur8uuq er.no

,,

rnod

,,'s11o;

ot oB a.r,r ueg,ra noL tnoq€ IIB sle8ro; or{d\ ouo eqt tou ur,1 '3u1qr elqqnq sqt op no[" P]BS no^ueq,^d. lcoJroc ere.,n nod lnq,, 's^es ar1 ,,(pelserelul tu,1,, 'seLe

lput

rer{ sl1oJ

ef,ruoqs euru srqt pue 'snueq serldar (.ieur uo reqr rnd

t,uoC[,,

'8urure.u

.;;o Jeqto aqt Suutas qcee 'sre>lcerceJlJ tnoqtr,^A uar;o iuoucolJe daap

laqr

atldsep

tng 'looqcs q8rq acuts

elll

ere [ag] raqlaSol

a^Eq pue raqtoue euo

erope 'uerplqr o^\l qlm\ 'sreal uenes perJJerrr 'acrueqg puu snrreq ll€rus ..'salrl IEer qlran eldoad IEer lnogB 3ur>11e1 ar,e.Lr 'ueaur

1

l]I op t(uec I Jl rerl^u JO,, 'sanurtuoc eqs ,,']I op t(uec rsnf rng petserelul w s{req acrueqs ((iTool tBrF aur e.tr8 t.uoq,

er,nod aqLe14,, 'esuodse;

'uJnter ur sede srq sllor or1.u 'snueq

pJe,,rd,ot

'pade Llaets 's1001 eqs ..lPelsaJeluI

sr sn Jo auo

{uo JI elqqnq E at€eJl

e.tt

uer .{\oq tng,, 'senurluoc eJrueqs

surn'psrquosursnrH:',5#I;"il',],""1i;-"u\J

enup Laqt s€ pueqsnq

.ret1

ot sles r)rueqs ,,;qnq '{alqqnq aldnor

V D

O^IIV e^ol eqt dee;tr UEO no1 ^aoH :urBrg Surnoal?urrrBA aql

dlnrr eg uer noL 'ragta3o ro aldoed tpcrJJrp qtl^\ I€ep or eqt ul '/ reldeqc ur alqqnq ald il,alN 'ef,ueserd

lagl

ur raqtour

'eldoad tlnri-lj II1,tl no^ sdeqra4 aldsuo3 iJe^eler{^{-sleu8rs a

Z UlIdVHf

1elsl,r1d 'tfetuoJ eLe uo ,r1ag

WIRED FOR LOVE with others. \il/henever they get this way, their words and phrases are similar, as are the memories of hurt and betrayal. Darius and Shenice fought in earlier relationships, all the way back to their original famiiies. In calm moments, they speak softly; their conversa-

partners start to anticipare

tions are fresh, not retreads of old arguments; and their banter is more playful.

the deep and wordless parr

They likely are nestled in their couple bubble during these moments. However,

other-whlch could be a shift in the eyes, a pause in speech, a roll of the eyes, or a strong exhale-love turns quickly to war. Their faces fill with blood; eyes widen; voices increase in vol-

when either perceives a threat cue from the

ume; vocal pitch changes; limbs stiffen; and lips begin to smack, signaling dry

mouth. They no longer appear as lovers or even friends, but as predators or enemies. Gone is the playful banter, gone are mentions of goodwill and friendliness, gone is the freshness of their conversation. Instead, their talk returns to old subjects, unanswered questions about the relationship, and

dating, are activated as coni

Anticipation of the uorsr surface

in conscious

;

an-arer

Much of what we do

as

beastly, instinctual selves.

I

vived over millennia due r.. Love and war are both cc,n;

brain is wired first and tbrcn rion is to ensure we sun'rr t good at this.

Unfortunately, rhe par

being killed are also quire :r

familiar accusations and counter-accusations. Why does all this happen? Darius and Shenice, like the rest of us, have brains that specialize in

credo. For instance,

threat perception and threat response. Unfortunately, our biological heritage

And when will it arrive ar

doesn't automatically guarantee a couple bubble for all. But

it

if

vou

speeding toward you, )'ou Fr

this train moving? Hon-ma

:

does provide

soon be dead. Danger requ;

mechanisms to deal with threats to our survival. This isn't to say the whole brain is involved in warlike behavior; in fact, only part of the brain engages in

brains doesn't care about ,.r

threat perception and response. Other parts help us be our most loving, kind, and friendly selves. And, yes, help us create a couple bubble.

In this chapter, we take

a ciose look at our biological inheritance, and at

what it can teach us about preventing, minimizing, and recovering from the warring situations that arise in the best and worst of relationships.

time-consuming. Its joi. i: So, is the brain gooJ

r

"r

You betchal Our brain's sur

ship. The things we do r,, *c

that keep

us from

gettinr

ir.

Recently, much has tee ences between female anJ

Tsou SHRrr Nor Grr Knrno

Bente Pakkenberg and Har

more brain cells at birth rh Maclean (1996) found the

During courtship, partners are predisposed to anticipate their best hopes coming true. As the relationship progresses and the pair become closer and

connectivity than does rhe male brain is heavill'u'ireJ

more interdependent, a couple bubble may form, and the perception of permanence may emerge. This is of course what they hope for. Yet sometimes

Ulcers, Robert Sapolskv

spring into action when rhrt

along with security comes its opposite. Fears and expectations that date back

Females, on the other

han;

to earlier experiences ofdependency, but that didn't arise during courtship or

safety. Despite minor

Jitlir.

24

:

(lJ

SZ

IJBq etep lBr{l suortetredra

JoJ elPpnq ot sJeqto ur IInd ot PeJr.r\ eq ol pual 'PuBq Jeqlo eqr uo 'sel€lrla{ 'salerueJ eJE uer{t 'ra8uol lrale dels ot puE 'paueteeJqt ueq^\ uoltce otur Sutrds

ro drtlstrnoc Suunp asue l,uFr:

'^13}€s Jo sruots^s sno^rau puB surBrq eqt uee.{\taq sacueJoJJlp Jourul alldsec

,{plornb ol dya4l erour erB seleru teqt perroder (VOO),Qslodeg tragog 's.nc1n pC 1(uo(f sDrqaz (,ilr\ tI 't€eJqt ot uoltJeel JoJ Perlt\ ,{prreeq sI UIBJq oleur

egl 'lurodpuets dreuortnlola

uB urorC 'ur€rq al€tu aql seop u€r{l d}r,l.ttcauuoc

pue drtaururts arour a^eq ot spuat urerq el€uej eqt PunoJ (9661) ueelcery In€d tsuuercsoJneu aqt 'rena,ro1-1 'selErual oP UBI{] qulq tE sller ulBrq eroru a^eq soleru .^dou{ e.^d. 'QASy) uosrapunC ue8rnf su€H Pu€ 3raque11e4 eruag Lq qcreeser ol s>lu€qt 'a.1druexa roC 'suteJq aleur Pue eleuroJ uea,^Aleq salua 4aJ;lp erlr rnoqe ASologcdsd relndod uI uettrr.i\\ ueeq seq qontu 'dpuacag 'euo ur 8ur[ets ro drqsuorlelal € o]ul Sutlla8 urorJ sn dee>1 reqr s8urqr arlr lpcexe ere uego pe1p1 Supla8 uro-r; deel o] oP

e.^d

sButqr eu1 'dtgs

-uou€ler PUB e^ol qll^\ sPPo lB eq uEc slll>ls IE^I^rns s.ulerg rno i€gcleq no le^ol tB peq tr $ rng Llerrur;aq le^IIE sn Sutdaal 1e poo8 urerq agt sr 'og 'polrod 'pe1111 Surlra8 uor; sn deel ol sl qoi sll 'Sulrunsuoc'oulll eJe leql srolJEJ rerllo due ro 'suotleynclec 'scgnads lnoqE eJBs l.useoP suIBJq rno;o lred Surtce4salse; erp pue 'uoltce lse; selnbar ra8ueq 'P€eP eq uoos dra,t plnom d1a>111 no['p]p no,(;1 ((luouEunsap st1 tE eAIrrE tl IIIrd uol{^\ PUV irredap tl plp ereq.^ urorC ipreoqe ere eldoad dueru ,to1-1 28uuoru ulert slql sr tsBJ,^d,oq 'uuH,, 'Suuapuoarr aq t.uplno.ll dlqeqord noL'nod PrBAtot Surpaads eJe,4d. ureJl B pue lc€rl urerl B uo Surpuels ara,Lr nod yr 'ecuelsut JoC 'oParl crseq eql sr ((ret€l suorlsenb >1se 'tsl; tooqs,, 'pldnrs ettnb osle are pa1p1 Sureq urorJ sn Surdaal re poo8 ere t€qt ur€rq Jno ;o slred eql '{ateunuo;un

'stqt le pooE d-re,r. 'Lra,L sI I puv 'seneds € sB pue slenp1^lpq sB elrl-rns e,& eJnsue ot sI uoll -cun; dreruud st1 'a.to1 roJ uBrit regter ';earr roJ lsouaJoJ pu€ tsrlJ pall^a sI uleJg

aqr 'g8norlr ',!qen8;y 'urerq ueurnq rno Jo suoulpuoc qtoq eJE JE.&\ PUB a^o-I ,,'pel1l te8 tou IIBqs noql, enneredrur eldturs aqt ot anp eruualllur relo pelrl -rns seq serceds ueurnq aqr [es plnoo a^\ ']JBJ uI 'se^les len]f,u1tsu1 tlrseeq rno pue i€Arlrns lnoqe l,lleluetuepunj sr sreutred se op a^\ teil \ Jo qlnl 'ureJq eql Jo lred sselproa,r pue deep eqr

ur seprser uorledrcrlue ;o adl; srq]

asneJeq 'sseuale.,tte snorcsuoo

uI aleJrns

dipessecau tr seop rou 'lnlesodrnd dlecr8o1 lou sr tsJo^\ aqr;o uonedlcrruy 'd31suorre1er Jraqt urog 'tsag oqt tou 'tsro^,u eqt atedrcrlue ot lrets sraut;ed 'tlnsar e sV'sesearf,ur dlgsuorreler er{l ol luarutrururoc sE pete^rlf,E ere '8ur}ep

r

seurrlauos ta1 'lo; adoq .r:q: -red;o uondacred eqt puE 'rL pue resolc eruof,aq:ied aqt

p r

sedoq rsaq Jreqt otedrluuE

CI:Illf 'sdrqsuouela: lo ts: eLIt

ruo{ Suua,tora:

puli::-.

le Pue 'aJu€luequr lElr;r\i,\rJ. 'alqqnq alin-': 'pur>1 '8urno1 tsoul rno rq sr. :' ur sa8e8ua urerg eqt trei ',slql '.: -+o

aloq^\ eqt .{es ot t,usr

eprno;d saop tr rng lle rr! r' a8erueq lerrSolorq :no' i1er,-'-: ur ezrleneds leql surErq a-l.E-j

pue 'drqsuorteler eqt lnoJ.E : >llBl Jreql'pBatsul'uonpsl:.,.ij pue llr,npoo8 ;o suouuaru :: ro srolepard se lnq 'spuarr: :e

[;p

Surleu8rs 'T]euis

o.1

urF::.

-lo^ ur esBaJcur sefro.\ :ueFr.!'suJnt

'

alol-eleqxo 8uo:ls e :--

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r

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NIVdg DNIAO]/DNII}IVM ]HI

WIRED FOR LOVE men and women, as humans we all share the common drives of survival and

TABLE

2.1 \:

of relationship. The fundamental mechanics of our brains are the same.

PTuTTIVES AND AMNESSADORS The parts of the human brain that specialize in survival have been around for a long time-actually, since the dawn of our species. I like to call these war' ring parts our "primitives." You can think of your primitives as your beasts

within. The primitives operate without your permission. They are first in the chain of command with respect to survival reflexes, and function to trump all your other needs and wants. They are agents of war (fighting and running away) and defeat (surrendering and playing dead).

Fortunately for us, we also have a more evolved, social part of our brain. In contrast to our warring brain, this functions as our loving brain. We can legitimately say it has been wired for love. I like to think of this part of the

brain as the "ambassadors." Unlike the primitives, the ambassadors interact with other brains in a refined, civilized manner. You can think of your ambas. sadors as your diplomats within. In reality, some of our primitives function as

Hypothalamus

Pituitary and adrenal glands Dorsal motor vagal

complex (dumb vagus)

In

essence, the prln-Lirr,

ambassadors at times, and some of our ambassadors have primitive functions,

similar to thar used l-r lht

as well. But for our purposes in understanding couple behavior, it is useful to oversimplify a bit and view them as opposing camps. Let's look more closely'

sequence of events uniblJs :

THT PRIMITIVES Our primitives are naturally geared to wage war. Whether it's a little battle or a big battle, they're ready to defend us, whatever it takes. They allow us to sense, feel, and react, and tend to be the first receivers of information, both inside and outside the body. This makes them fast at identifying dangers

oflalert. AII this takes pla:= at a level mostly bevond

r-rur

can detect the evidence.

-{n

we might influence the prr.; defined three critical srages:

STAGE 1: RED ALER The first line ot Jctin..

ani ;.

and threats, and expedient when dealing with those dangers and threats. In

sound the alarm, loud

fact, our primitives have all the advantages millions of years of evolution can

ried out by one of our n.:, shaped structures in the environment for signs of da:

afford, such as integration, efficiency, and speed. They were the first to arrive

on the scene and will likely be the last ones standing at the end (death). So, how exactly do the primitives operate (table 2.1X And more importantly, how can you identify them in action in your relationship?

26

other words, they indiscrirr.:-

don't have much of a srrare:

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WIRED FOR LOVE is real or imminent. They just scream red alert, and assume one of the ambassadors

will conduct

a

more careful assessment and step in to correct any errors

or erroneous assumptions made by the primitives in the heat of the moment.

Intelligence should always be analyzed before going to war, right? However, analysis takes time, and time is a problem when danger is afoot.

The amygdalae largely run the show between a couple when they feel threatened by one another's facial expressions, vocal inflection, sharp movements, or harmful words. Instead of two whole brains at war, it is a case of dueling amygdalae-sort of like Wild West gunfighters honing in on that twitch before reaching for their pistols. Like Darius and Shenice, partners are on constant lookout for threatening signs and signals. Specifically, the

righl

side amygdala picks up on dangerous facial expressions, voices, sounds, move-

ments, and postures. The lefpside amygdala picks up on dangerous words and phrases.

Consider Franklin and Leia. After dating for more than a year, Leia is

frustrated by Franklin's hesitancy to ask for her hand in marriage. She is all but ready to move on and date others. While driving to dinner one evening a week after Vaientine's Day, they get into a fight.

After

a long period of listening to music, Leia, on the passenger side, sud-

denly shuts off the stereo. "Can we talk?" she asks, looking ahead.

Franklin's body stiffens as he utters, "Sure." His amygdalae have picked up the tone in her voice and the events that just occurred: the silence, the

turning off of music, the question "Can we talk?" His amygdalae have grabbed onto all this in a manner not available to Franklin's full awareness, and his body prepares for something vaguely warlike. Moments before, Leia had been contentedly listening to a song with the words "Goin' to the chapel...." The image captured her amygdalae, and she suddenly felt disturbed for no apparent reason. Her attention drifted to the previous week, when she had expected a Valentine's Day proposal. Almost before she knew what was happening, the question escaped her lips. She froze

with fear, anticipating Franklin's reaction to her bringing up the dreaded subject...again. Now, even though she avoids looking at him, her amygdalae have registered the slightest

hint of exhalation in the pause before his

response,

STAGE 2: READY

TI

When the amygdaiae h, chain of command jumps io is the main primitive resFc: action; it directs the pirrrlusary for action. These glanJs

command of the hypothalan Together, these primilr. releasing substances-such,

and corrisol-into our bioo;

and gets us ready to fighr : adapt to stress by reducinr :r

tinual balancing act beru'et hypothalamus: should r',e

c

troops?

As soon as the alarnr l-

:i. whether to fight or flee. Cn troopsl" Just as the amvgd; us three options: we can

accuracy of information. rhe out questions. Again, the

ass

along later and clean up, as

l

In our example of Fran, orders almost simultaneousl,,

can see the evidence just b, ened, preparing for a flght. L

stomach another fight (althr

unlikely to flee). Both their tive juices. Their pupils ji1 blood flow. Energy and alel for war.

STAGE

3:ALL-OUT

"Sure." Her body remembers, recognizes, and anticipates war. Although she may know

it would be reasonable to check for errors in her perception, that

isn't foremost in her attention.

28

Ar this stage, the priml' who was supposed to be t,us

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NIVUS DNiAOI/DNIIUVM

WIRED FOR LOVE

down-or

worse, become overwhelmed by the urgency

of the primitives.

Often the relatively slow ambassadors are beaten to the scene by the fastmoving, chaos-producing primitives. So, for the couple, it's all-out war, and there will be no clarity until the fog has cleared. Then they'll have a chance to gather the dead and count their losses.

"Don't

say

I was ignonn

always do thisl You can'r sa,

tionate I was."

"When did I

say

thari"

"You said it that night."

Couples at war have certain tell-tale behavioral signs. Some partners get

"No, I didn't. You're a1-,,,

very excited, while others become slow, sleepy, or even collapse. Whichever posture they take, partners at war say and do things that are decidedly

"I can't believe thisl" l hands shake.

unfriendly. Each time they fight, they tend to recycle the same complaints, the same examples, the same theories, and the same solutions' Of course, their battles can expand, as well-to include other people ("Even so-and.so

Leia sits in silence, i.rrr . home."

says you're

self-centered"); other moments in history ("You did the same thing when we first went out"); and other topics ("When you do that, it drives me

ya'wanted."

nuts, too"). Couples often spend inordinate amounts of time debating facts and struggling to reconstruct and sequence stressful relationship events, leaving them no time or resources to sort out the real reason for their conflict. In chapter 9, we will look at how you can escape from old patterns of fighting.

necessarily a matter of r'.-lun

Franklin violenth' :pir.=

Not every couple ar u'a at war can engage or disen determines war is the partnt

their primitives are in conrr.

For now, let's return to where we left Franklin and Leia, and see what all-out war looks like for them. Leia takes a deep breath and launches into the dreaded topic: "Remember

Valentine's Day, when you got upset with me about bringing up marriage?"

Franklin sharply. "You're mixing that up with the scene at my mom's, days before. I said I was tired of everyone pressuring me about a "\Vhat?"

says

proposal."

"No, I'm talking about Valentine's," Leia counters. "I asked you to give me some idea if you're ever going to..." "Here we go again," Franklin groans. "'Why do you always distort everything? I said I love you and want to marry you. I said I'11 ask you. And I crill... Oh, just forget

itl"

"Don't tell me to forget itl" shouts Leia. "You didn't say anything of the kind. You just told me to shut up. And I'm not distorting anythingl You ignored me that whole night."

"That's not trueJ" screams Franklin as he swerves to avoid a car stopped ahead.

"\7atch outl" yells Leia, bracing herself against the dashboard. "You're going to

30

kill usl"

THE AFTERMATI_] Fighting can be ver\- s: their relationship mav b,e. I both partners for a rvhile.

art

The day after their ari. clear the air. Her ambassa Franklin doesn't phone or si

they fight, he withdrari. r.'r ,

work and lounges around

,,r'l

watching television until rht to him, and she feels ab,an; depression and phone her a:

The primitive dicrarin: In scientific parlance. it ri kr tists sometimes refer to

ir :.

subtle in its response to thre wounded, rhe dumb \ agu: ; pressure and signaling the

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IVUg DNIAO]/DNIUUYM ] HJ

WIRED FOR LOVE endorphins, our natural opiates) into our bloodstream. \7hen you have blood

5. Later (when things n

drawn, do you become queasy or light-headed? If so, that's your dumb vagus

other's primiti\es. lf your primitives. For e

protecting you from bleeding out. Of course, you aren't in any danger, but that overreaction is why the dumb vagus is called dumb. It also comes in handy

if

detectors and the hl your own names. \tii

I

we are about to be eaten by a lion and can't fight or run away.

In addition to physical injury, the dumb vagus can be triggered by emotional injury and threat. It likewise responds by shutting down. Blood leaves

lae Fred and Ging,er

our face, our muscles lose their tone, our ears ring, and our stomach hurts. !7e slump, drop, collapse, and sometimes even faint. Gone is our sense of humor,

our perspective, and our life energy. $7e descend into a valley of darkness, where it seems no one, not even we ourselves, can hurt us. This is what happens to Franklin following a fight with Leia. High on his body's natural opiates, his depressed body and brain go into an energy-conserved state, and stay there until his ambassadors finally pull him out.

THT AMBASSJ

The ambassadors are i brain. It's not that rher''ie , page as the primitives u'he::

EXTNC I SE : DISCOVER YOUR

ever a threat is detecrei. rh

PRITTZTTTIVTS

ing all relevanr informaii,

When you become aware 0f the role of the primitives, you $ain valuable insight intO y0ur relationship. You are actually putting heurobiology to practical use.

Here is what I suggest you try the next time yOu and yOur partner find yOurselves discussing a hot issue and going a bit wild.

1.

our ambassadors

u

r

oulJ '.r.:

foster social harmonr ani cool, and collected, and hk

favor complexity and ncve.r

If not for our ambassa; even in prison. Thel' allor',

Make sure yOu are sitting 0r standing across from each Other s0 you can

than simply procrearion

observe both yourself and your partner closely.

they represent us in the u-..; calm fears and cool tempers

2. See if you recognize any 0f the stages I just described. For example, is there evidence of a red alertP Are the troops amassing yet!)

3. At some poini, you may want to reread the description 0f the stages

s0

ar:,

Now, I don't mean r.' :: valuable than primitive:. I next chapter), they can be

these may include flushing of the skin, narrowing of the eyes, dilating of

hilacked by primitives. Perh (Hanson and Mendius IJJ:

the pupils, raising 0f the v0ice, and verbal expressions 0f threat

pared with "wolves of hare."

you have a good sense of the specific signs for each stage. For example, and

anger. To an extent, these signs are universal; however, l'm sure you will

cumstances, namely stress-:

find ones that are unique t0 you and your partner.

to help us keep love alir-e.

Let's meet the ambassa.

4. Consult table 2.1 t0 identify which of the primitives you have caught action.

32

in

war, but maintain peace anr

t€ '17'7 alqe\ sdrqsuoneyer ur alol pue aceed uretureur lnq ,rem [eql ]e )ooi puB sJopESSEquE aq] teeur s(te-I ^Aorl

ul tuFnuc a^uq noi sn,-

pio,re [1uo ]ou sn diaq

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ulvrg stp\ppng ur

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sropessequr€ ot sJaJeJ'(6997 snrpuet\ pue uosuell) sdeqted 'selr]rurrJd dq pepetlq

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a,,n

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daqt 'l,ceuroldrp

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'srerlln-rp laql uenr8 'ssa1aqtra.r,e51 'Llelncce JoJ uorteurJoJur tuelalal ge 8ur -{3eqJel pue 3ur1ceq3 qtr^\ pa>lset seuo eqt er,Laqt 'palcetep sr teeJqt E JaAO

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rno

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poolg

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...

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N

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dpueq ur sauro3 osle

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ivdg DNIAO]/DN IU}IYM ]HJ

WIRED FOR LOVE TABLE

2,2

YOUR AMBASSADORS IN ACTION Primary function

Ambassador

(poly meaning manl) t.r e: (dumb and smart) sn'itch ..

He referred to this

as F.ai:

which our body either hei;_. Ventral vagal complex (smart vagus)

Exerts a calming effect by slowing the cardiovascular and respiratory systems (e'g., by a long, slow exhale) Handles short-term and long-term memory' controls anti.stress hormones, and tracks

Hippocampus

location and direction Provides awareness of internai bodily cues (e.g.,

Insula

gut feelings), including cues associated with

attachment and emPathY Nonverbal and intuitive; specializes in social and emotional processing (e.g., empathy) and

Right brain

body awareness Verbal and logical; specializes in processing detailed information and integrating

Left brain

For example, takins a stimulates our smart va:us.

this manner, physical pr.,rlimited at best, and romancr If Leia and Franklir, h=car, they might hare l-e.:-

-,

had erupted and thines he: deep breaths could

priately modulate

halc .:-'

hi.

,':- :.=:

able to get themseh-es back

Partners enjo_ving a c.,u:

smart vagus and its anrl-,:., relax together, to soothe ..:.: to say to one another ttr lL:: examine this further in Ch:r

complex sounds and word meanings

Orbitofrontal cortex

Serves as the moral and empathic center'

communicates with ambassadors and primitives aiike, keeping them in check

EXERCISE: [4ost of the time, \,\e don t

!1

talk to our partner. \4'e clon i

run 0n autOmatic Pilot. But

KEEPING THE PEACE-THE SMART VAGUS Fortunately, our ambassadors usuaily do a good job o{ keeping our primi' tives in line. Because ambassadors operate more slowiy than do primitives, they are particularly successful at keeping peace in situations where time is on so happens

our dumb vagus has

a

younger and more intelligent sibling;

namely, ot$ smarttagus (aka, uentralvagalcomplex). Like its relative, the smart vagus slows us down. However, instead of overreacting and shutting us down' it enables us to hold our head above water and below the stratosphere, so to speak. Stephen Porges (1995) developed what he termed the pofuuagal theorl

34

dors, 1ou gain a vride rarre, Next time yoll anij \our ment dnd pla\

\ illt lllir. .*,

1. modulate \out \oir e 2. whisper t0 0ne anothr:

their side.

It

:

,,'

3. take a deep breath eai

4. ask one another nhirlr

s€

'sa^rlrurJd Jn0^ J0FFul rlcrrlM puu

0lll nOI souol r..lcrrlM Jeqlouu 0u0 ISB

l1ueds no,{ aJoJoq

't

oull qcuo qluaJq deap u a)iul 'g

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lreuls eql 'e'rtteie: a-i :8ur1qrs

:(iiBLjt op no,4 uuc) Jolllouu euo :(Jolsu1 pup JOMols :J0U0s puu

o1

rua8rllrr;r

:-

:,t.:- i

-

-- :

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;epnol) ecro,t;no,{ eiulnp0u

'l

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uo

sr

eurll eloq-\\ su-'l-: . - : -- ::

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-

S

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oletr

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oc

:IISI]XIXI ^AoH

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.^Aols

pue (.(gtedrua "3'a) ;r-:...::

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r:.', IeIJOS Ur Se;IIEIre:S

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qll^A pel€llosse sanl :,.-::

"3'a) senr ,{1lpoq

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.tro1s e

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1t

u:=-'-

-

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'pe^rl uorls aq pino.t\ ef,uEuror puE 'tseq te patltuli eurt eg p1no.r,r. Surag uerunq reqloue tllp,r Llrurrxord pcrs.{qd 'rauueur srq] ur u^\op sellesJno urleJ ot drryqe aqr tnoqtllN 'sn8e,r. treurs rno salelnrurts

'uorteleqxa

'Jeqtou€ euo ot eleiar ot

"3'a)

'daap e 8ur1er 'eldruexa tog rno qJrq.{\

[l]llq* rno sJepurri ro sdleq regrra lpoq

q8norqr 'tuals,(s luauaBn8ua Jnrros xeldruof, rno Jo ued se srqt ot perra3or aH 'tueruour ar.[] speau agr ot Surproroe lJo pue uo gotr,us (treurs pue qunp) Jo ,lo,oq ureldxa o1 (.{ueru Surueeru [Jo{)

:'-

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NOIIfV NI

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SXO

NIVUg DNTAOI/DNTUUVM rHJ

WIRED FOR LOVE KEEPING THINGS STRAIGHT-THE HIPPOCAMPUS

A harmonious relationship is one in which the partners

each know who

they are, and also know who the other is. They possess a basic sense of orientation within themselves and within their relationship, and this underiies

their communications. They don't unnecessarily confuse one another. And if 'SUe confusion ever does arise, they are able to sort it out with relative ease. could say both that they're good at keeping things straight and that they know how to be straight with one another. This is accomplished by another ambassador, the hippocampus. Its shape resembles that of a seahorse (hippos is "horse" in Greek)' and its function is to track important stuf{ such as where we are, where we're going, what just hap'

If Leia and Franklir

argument, one or both cc

or "You're right, that

was

prove the other wrong, tl

the relevant history. Or, know, those details don't you're feeling."

REMAINING A

EN

speciai nod must I

ability to pick up our

o\r-:

pened, and what happened weeks and months ago. It helps us remember who

responsible for our abilirr

we are and what we're talking about.

to feel disgust. For our p empathy. Thus, it is an es

Our hippocampus is a key ambassador because of its role in memory, its control of antistress hormones, and its ability to encode and retrieve information about our surroundings and directions. If you've ever been to London, you may be aware that the taxicab drivers there are famous for knowing where

of love.

SrRyrNc Co

they are and where to go. They seem to have an internal virtual map enabling them to place things in spatial memory more accurately than the average person can. In fact, researchers who studied these cabbies'brains discovered they had a hippocampus larger than that of people who don't drive for a living. Not only that, but the cabbies' hippocampi actually grew larger as they spent more time on the job (Maguire et al. 2000).

For our purposes, the hippocampus is significant because it is involved with placing relationship events in time, sequence, and context. Not only does it help us find physical locations (e.g., where to meet our partner for lunch), it also helps us encode and play back who did what, when and where, and with whom. The amygdalae are the prime culprits in disabling the hippocampus during times of war. For this reason, couples at war can be at risk for memory difficulties. Like Leia and Franklin, who argued over the events

on Valentine's Day, they can get embroiled in continual struggles to recon. struct and sequence stressful relationship events, and neither partner can accurately recall who said what and when. Any attempts to establish agree. ment only intensify the battle. In extreme cases, this constant war can litep ally cause our amygdalae to grow and our hippocampus to shrinkl

36

Led by the social cht on keeping us connected bers. The ambassador ri'h

our brain, or more simpll

The right brain car sense of things. It is spee A great deal of our huma from this ambassador. i: reading facial expressicns

Had either Leia's or F ably wouldn't have enlt* have suggested ther,puli

i

perhaps used a well-place

The skillful use of

r',.

workings of the righr br:.: cues

of distress and

resr

LI,

r{Snorqt dyelnclued tla,tlrce;;a ruaqt

ot

Surpuodser puB ssaustp Jo senr

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ro 'al,a-ot-aLa pue areJ-ot-aceJ

llet

pue Ja^o JeJ eqt

11nd

darll palsaSSns

e,r.eq

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DNIAYJS

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NIVUfl DNIAO]/DNIUUYM 1H.L

WIRED FOR LOVE nonverbal actions or interactions that convey friendliness and warmth. These qualities are a couple's greatest antidote to war.

cortex. As ambassadors 9c. nL. with almost every part .'i - -:

setting the stage for 1ove. I:

rui

able to be curious abour

TETrcING IT OUT-THE

LEFT BRAIN

Nonverbal connection can go a long way toward keeping love alive. But it alone is insufficient. For this reason, our right brain has a colleague: theleft hemisphere of our brain, or simply owleftbrain.Theleft brain understands the imporrance of detail and precision. Its ability to speak its mind is legendary. In fact, it has the gift ofgab and can be quite the little chatterbox' Had Leia's and Franklin's left brains remained engaged, either or both could have made creative and meaningful statements that, if not leading to an immediate solution, might have given them a sense of possibility, newness, and reiief. Either couid have avoided war by saying things such as "I realize

this makes you crazy but..." or "I know we can work this out..." or "I realize this is important to you, so what if we...?" Their words would have conveyed friendliness, consideration, and thoughtfulness, potentially offsetting the influence of their primitives and allowing them to talk things out to the point of relief. You may have heard or read

in the popuiar

press about the distinction

berween righrbrain people and left-brain peopie. Usually this refers to a ten. dency to be either more nbnverbal and intuitive, or more verbal and logical.

In fact, some partners have a stronger right brain and weaker left brain' These partners tend to communicate and process threat with less emphasis on talk and more emphasis on feeling and expression. Other partners have a stronger left brain and a weaker right brain; their emphasis is more likely on logic, ideas, and talk, and less on feeling and emotional sensitivity. Of course, others are blessed

with strong ambassadors of both types'

STENOING IN EACH OTHENS SHOIS: THT ONSITOFRONTAL CORTEX For a couple bubble to be created, ali the ambassadors must work together

in an atmosphere of friendliness, openness, kindness, lovingness, and other positive 'nesses.

38

'When

they do so, it is under the direction o{ tbe orbitofrontal

r

cortex is our moral anJ e:.. nicate with ambassaJor. ,:.falls primarily to the orb::--: the orbitofrontal corter i:t.

winning argumenr, as l-. :: chill. It also allou's r.r: r r:= Neither Leia nor Fi:r-i: simultaneously value Jr--*

r:-

hc: -; anl r.:.. J:

was so wrapped up in sider the stresses

ask what he was feelins. :: :be upset, for his o\\'n iea:,-:. views of the situation. Thisbasic inabrlin :- .::

frontal cortex. Leia's..r:.: :. due to threat, and rhc:r:-:ideas and feelings. Or r: : - medicai reasons. Or peri-::'

fully developed, makrn: :: :.: a partner's views and pe:::.e;

ner who was less reacrir

r

::.--.-

better equipped.

As long as Leia ani F:.: stand, and appreciate

rher::

able to create a couple bubb.r keep their love alive. Ht'.\:'.,

can operate properh', the.,

critical moments, Their

;'

srr-ar

left brains will act out oi rr:c: One solution to rhe prcb

ners to wait until theY have c:

slightest gesture to help one

,

6t eql uoununs ot loquaurar ot SururBe'I 'rer{louE euo dleq ot erntseS tsa}q8lls eqt ue^a eIBur ot elqB aq ot q8noua u^\op paurl€f, a^Eq lpun t1€^\ ot sJeu -ued roJ sr xatJor Ietuo$otlqJo eurlJJo ue Jo urelqord eqt^eqt or uonnlos auo

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ssE

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ot uter{l ro; elqrssodrur tou JI tlncrJJrp eq

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ro euo-url>lueJC pue Bre'I sB 3uo1 sy .paddrnba rarraq

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peLe,tuoc e^€q plno'lr spro,\l l:lSZIIBaJ L, JO ."'lno Slrll lllLr.\'! ;: azrlEJr I,, sE Ll)ns s8urqr ;u: .'. ' -'sseu,r\eu '.{rlpqrssodyo osuai ::

or Surpeel

teqt xotroc letuo{o rqJo eqt Jo esneJag

sr

tou;r 'teqt sruarut-:

rltoq Jo raqtre 'pe8e8uo paur:',: 'xoqreDEql elllrl .qr 'Lrepue8el sr purur str leaJs c. eqt spuEtsrePun urBlg r,I0l aq ' i ri

1pleqt:en8eelloc

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NI\i-Ug

-

II]-

tI 'a^ol rol a8ets eql Surnas

ro3 elqrsuodser sr xetJoc l€tuouolrqro aqt 'urerq rno;o lred Lre,ra tsorule r1]r.tr petceuuoC 'lertuenuw pue ynpamod sE sr reqlo ou 'oF sropess€qwe sV .xair"o)

'l:

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NIVUg DNrnol/DNTUXVM IHI

WIRED FOR LOVE help of the smart vagus and take a few deep breaths can help. Then, for instance, with even a modicum of calm, Franklin could have led with a sign of friendliness by saying something like "Honey, I love you and I understand where you're coming from. You're worried I'li never ask you to marry me. I understand, and I don't blame you for worrying." Such an act of friendliness and love disarms the primitives enough to enable the ambassadors to begin to come back online. As soon as Franklin senses their return, he can follow up

with an appeal to Leia's ambassadors. Most if not all of the recommendations in this book rest on the principle that you, as partners, need one another to keep love and avoid war. Initially, it can take time and some false starts. But eventually both of you must learn how to do this in a snap, without too much thought or talk. And that's easier' as we will see in the next chapter, if you have an owner's manual that includes instructions on what to do, and when, with your partner'

Examples of siiuation> restaurant (talrle 2.3). taktr r00m.

TAnrr

2.3

S,rrrrpr-i

You: (bordering on a u hi,

Partner: I'm gerriuQ

.r;

You: \il/hat? Nog' r'ou

.,:

n:r

-,1

Partner: Did I sav tharl your glasses and ar le:., Ambassadors with

EXENCISE:

PRTITNTTIVES,

MITT

YOUR AITASRSSADORS You can practice this exercise with your partner.

Allow your primitives and ambassadors to hold a dialo$ue. D0 this in the spirit of a parlor game, rather than as a means to solve a pressing relationship problem. The point is to become better acquainted with yOur primitives and ambassad0rs, to learn t0 rec0gnize their respeclive voices. 0f course, if important issues cOme up in the process, that's fine t00. Try any 0r all 0f the following combinations:

1.

Have your primitives talk t0 your partner's primitives.

You: It looks like I migtr stay on my dier.

Partner: Are 1'su oka.,'

-,-.

r.

You: Thanks lor ottcri. here I can't hale.

lartner: That':

a l-un.:.=-

the steak.

What differenres ii-r become more fanriliar

and ambassadols.

rn,

r

ilir

rotr

r

2. Have your primitives talk t0 yotff partner's ambassadors. 3.

Have your ambassadors talk t0 your partner's primitives.

4.

Have your ambassadors talk t0 your partner's ambassadors.

You might also

try having your right brain interact with your partner's

right brain. Then have your left brain interact with your partner's left brain. And then switch it up.

40

Srcoxn Gurn The second principle

oi:h:

when their primitiues are

!..;

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ul

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m4 atp sannnultQ r"1aT

ua\ft-b

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lrfdr)Nrud DNrarnD aNo)Is

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u,

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1

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qrnru os s(eraqt asnec, Surloorp lsnf ur,1 'ou rng 'Suuago roJ s>luegf :no1 'asle eraq.{auos oB plnoqs

e.r,r,

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aqt

jo auo

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dleul

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NIV)Ig DNIAOI/DNIUUVM ]HT

WIRED FOR LOVE through the brain, so to speak, to familiarize you with those aspects that are wired for war and those wired for love. Getting a sense of how these aspects work in your relationship is the first step in keeping love alive. In the meantime, here are some supporting principles to guide you: 1. Identifying your primitives in action heips to hold them in check' Now that you know who your primitives are and how they operate' see if you can catch them in the act. When a red alert is going off, for exam-

ple, can you recognize it for what it is? I m not suggesting you will automatically know how to instantly turn it off. First simply recognize that your amygdalae are sounding an alarm. This alarm may take the form of your heart racing, palms sweating, face burning, or muscles tightening, or you may notice yourself suddenly becoming weak, slouched, nauseous, faint, numb, or shut down. In later chapters, I will discuss more specific techniques you and your partner can use when

your primitives are running the show.

Of course, identifying your primitives can be accomplished only by none other than...your ambassadors; specifically, your hippocampus. By definition, if you are able to notice your primitives in action, they can't have gained the upper hand. If they have, it's too late; better luck next time. And you can be assured that there most likely will be a next time. 2.

It's always helpful to recognize what works well, in addition to what does not. For this reason, I also recommend identifying your ambassadors. Notice when they step up

to the plate in support of

your

relationship; give them credit where credit is due. And invite them to step forward whenever their warmth, wisdom, and calm are needed.

If your primitives are allowed to have their way-as sometimes happens-there will be no lollygagging around when danger's afoot. Life will be fiiled with one crisis after another, as you continually fire blind without thinking of the consequences, But when relationships are at stake, you want to avoid pulling the trigger. So cail on your ambassadors to slow things down.

in action. At times, especially if your partner's primitives are large and in charge, you may

3. Identify your partner's primitives and ambassadors

be able to do this i sometimes mav be a nonthreatening u'ai-: possible, do this as c

Learning to r€cr

gives you both a tcc

This understandins: the next chapter, u, know your partner.

€,,

Leru noL'e8reqc ur pue aS:r:- :: 'uorlJe ur sroF€ssEi'-.-' 'seurr]

lV

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lng

:'js-.r

e.rrl ,{11enur:uor nor sP lJ

:

jr:

jr '-i

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j-

:.-

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IIII( I

'sJetdErlc rotBl

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'a.u1e a,to1 SurJe:

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;

are

NIVUg CNIAOI,/DNIUdV A lHI

Knorn

How I

Rr

oaleweasr away from (b, depend?

It

al'

fifteen, twenty, even thirr. each other. In so manl'n'a, As we saw in chapter ambassadors helps us ans.',

one responds the same u'.

and between the primir:'

person. Not everyone's an-"i

equally fast. In fact, due

may experience

ri

differen

ambassadors.

So, we each come to 'We

:1

la:: Unhappy partners otic:. : may recognize our

never have married vr.u" know what planet you re explore why this

m)'.tiiil

in your relationship.

.: ,-

'dtqsuotleler rnod ur

lj aruoJrelo ol op uBJ noL letl.tr pue 'rncco uec uorteJlJllsdru srql dq.r.l aroldxe am 'ratdeqc srqt uI 'drqsuorleler aqr rnoq8nol{l (,,uo e;,nol, teueld l€q^\. aou>I r,uop rsnl 1,,) acuerouS] Jo srur€lJ ur€luruur pue (,,nod perrr€ur eABrI releu p,I 'slqt a{II eJe.&\ nol .laan1 1 ;1,,) ecue.rou8r rurelc ueuo sJau]JBd [ddequn 'lalel snorcsuof, B uo lou sr ]l ueuo lnq 'a1Lls s,reuued rno ezru8oca; leru 'Suneiar;o ellts

ululrac E PJe.t{ot PetualJo elqel eql

er16

ol euros rlcee a.r,r 'og 'sropBsseqrue

pue

sa.ttttrurrd rnoL uee,/i\teq suoltJBrelul luereJJIP acuerradxa deru

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ot uosrad urou sJeljlp sdruec Jopessequre pue olltlrulrd eql ueeanleq pue urqtr^a .re,nod;o ecuBIBq aq1 'drqsuortEleJ e ur ,{e.r eluEs er{l sPuodseJ euo -Lra.r,e tou tng 'tuatxe euros ol suortsenb asar{t Ja^asue sn sdlaq sJopessequle pu€ selrtrurud rno qluA peturenbce Suruocag 'Z reldeqr ur

.^des

a^\ sV

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WIRED FOR LOVE

our interactions. Moreover, r, courtship than in more conrn

As a couple therapist, I have come to know that such claims of ignorance are essentially untrue, even though they may feel true to the people who say them. They are untrue because we ali have a style of relating that'remains quite stable over time. Growing up, our parents'or caregivers'styles of relating

couples touch constantly li-hi they rouch drops offdranrarrc

in chap-

very confusing, and can leaJ

set the standard by which we learned to adapt. Simpiy put, as we saw

ter 2, our social wiring is set at an early age. Despite our intelligence and exposure to new ideas, this wiring remains virtually unchanged as we age. For instance, I commoniy hear new parents say, "I will never do what my parents did to me," and yet despite their most ardent wishes not to repeat their par' ents' mistakes, in periods of distress they do exactly that. I don't say this

with

are anymore?"

"WHo AnE You,

judgment; it's just a matter of human nature and biology. Most partners audition for relationships fully unaware of who they are and how they are wired to relate in a committed couple universe. As in ail

No one likes to be classiiieJ.

auditions, they endeavor to put themselves forward in the best light. It wouldn't make sense for someone on the first date to say, "I spent a lot of time alone as a kid and I still do. I don't like my alone time to be intruded upon.

human condition for cenrrurr

come to you when I'm ready. And don't bother coming to me, because then I'll think you're demanding something of me, and I dont like that." An I'11

equally quick way to send a date running for the hills would be to say, "I tend to be clingy, and to get angry when I feel abandoned. I hate silences and being

around us because we have b pare informarion and erper: so today. We are liberals or cc:

fanatics, Scorpios or Capric..: we don't use these categorici

:

us understand one another.

A

b:.

key premise of this

ignored. I never seem to get enough from people, yet I don't take compliments

ownef's manual for one an..t function of this manual is rhai

well because I dont believe people are being sincere, so I tend to reject any-

label your partner's predilecr::

thing nice." During the initial phase of a relationship, partners may give clues about their basic predilections with regard to physical proximity, emotional intimacy, and concerns regarding safety and security. But it is only when the relationship becomes permanent in either or both partners' mind that these

and understand each other's

it easier to be forgiving anJ r.. The styles I presenr he:e

predilections really come to life.

drawn from research findir-rss.

Much of what we do, we do automatically and without thinking. This is largely the work of our primitives, In relationships, one of the things partners

Mary Ainsworth and her cil almost half a centur)' ag.). e\

typically are unaware of is how they physically move toward and away from

the years, I have obsen'ed

each other. Our brain's reaction to physical proximity and duration of proxim-

tionship styles. I offer these sr:-, Firsr, ifyou find )ou .r:.

ity is wired from early childhood, and influences such things as where we choose to stand or sit in relation to one another, how we adjust distance between us, how we embrace, how we make love, and just about everything we

resolve issues as they arise.

yourself.

s

H:'

.

th:i

doni try ro forcc rr. .

do that involves physical movement and static physical space. Because we oper-

reality. the "mileage \ou gcr : vast majority of people do ijei

ate largely on automatic pilot, we remain oblivious to this entire dimension of

not everyone does. In fact.

46

pe

LV

qcrrl,u (sel^ls tueleJJ]p Jo puelq e oq uEf, eldood 'treJ uI 'seop euoLre^a tou 'selLts eerqt aser{t Jo raqtoue lo euo qrp,r lgpuapr op aldoed Jo l;uoferu ]se,r eql q8noillly ',(re,t,{etu uorteurro;ur sqt uro{ ,,te8 no,( e8ea.11ur,, eqt '[]r1eer ut turol arnd nagt ur sa1L1s aqt patueserd a^Eq I 'tl e3roj ot.{,n t,uop Jlasrnod ro reutred rnoL slg tseg alLrs qJrq,r eprcap t,uec nod pur; nol, JI 'lsJIC 'steelerJo aldnoc e qtr,^(r nod ot se1^hs esoqt reJJo 1 'saldrs dlqsuorl .11e; -EIeJ uleru eerqt sraurred tsour teql pe^Jesqo e,teq 1 'sreaL aql Jo euo otur JoAO 'stuaurgceue tuJoJ stueJur noq Surureldxe 'o8e ,{rnluac B JIBrl tsoruie uoldels pue iilag 'qlro.usury) sen8eelloc raq pue qlromsury dre14

(1161

pue (696I) dql.uog uqof dq.relndod epetu ]srrJ 's8urpur; qrreesar tuo{ u.&\Brp ere .(aq1 'umo .&u .!a;rlue rou .ueu rer{treu eJB aroq tuesard 1 seldrs eqa 'a.r,rlroddns Llarecurs eq o] pue Eur,r.r8ro; aq ot rarsee tr se{Bru ,,ale nod.oqm,uoul L,

lurll

esuas aqr 3ur.te11 'asue Laql sE sonssr aAIosoJ

ol PUE reqle8ol 1ro,{\ ol Jalsee qonur sr lt 'se1.(ls s(rel{lo qcBe pu€lsrepun Pu€ ezru8ocel uec nod;1 'el&s dlrlsuouelal pue suorlcepperd s,reu1;ed rno.{ 1ege1 ,lereturrp pue 'aqucsep 'eugep o1 nod smol1e tI turl] sr IBnuBu srqt Jo uoncunJ tuelrodutr uy 'dtqsuorleler rrerlt roJ pu€ rer{toue auo roJ l€nueur s.Jeu.{\o ue Sur,teq tuo$ trJauaq uec s.rauued terlt sr Tooq srq];o esrtuerd Le>1 y

'reqlou€ auo PuetsJePun sn dleg uec .{er1t ezruerunqep Jo aseqop ot ser:o8atet eseql esn t.uop e,u 'euodue srE]AI uro.rJ rorltre 'suJoJude3 ro sordrocg 'scrteue; se 3uo1

sV 'snue1 uro$ ro

snor8rla.r ro slsrer{le 'sqloC ro slae8 'selrtelresuof, Jo sleJeqrl aJE oA\

tepot

os

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Jo uorsuerurp alrlue srql ol sno -rado a.,rr esneoeg 'aceds pcrsiq e.r,t

Burql[re,r,a ]noqe 1sn[ pue 'a

ecuetsrp tsnlpe e^\ moq 'reqtc e,^d. eJaq./[ se s8urql qJns se]u -rurxord;o uorternp pue Ltrrulr,

uory

Le,me

pue ple,&ol anolu

.r

sreutred s8urqr agt;o auo 'sdr sllJ'8ul1urgr lnoqlr^\ puE si

eseqt teqt purru .sJauued rpoc eqt ueq,r Lluo sr tl tng 'trtr.rnr;

IEuoltorua'dtrturxord lecrs.iqd senlc a.r.r8 dew s,raul;ed 'drqsuc

-[ue ]cefar ol puel I os 'e.ralu; stuarurlduror eIE,r l,uop ] le\ ': Sureq

pue serualrs eteq I 'peuoi

puet L, '[es ol ag plno,r s]lrq

uv

({'lEtll

elll

e-

r,uop I puE 'eru

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eurrlJo lo1 e lueds

1,, 'des

ot alei

rI 'rqFn tseq eqt ur pre.ucl IIE ur sV 'asrolrun eldnor peta:e ,riaqt oq,^l Jo JlEMEuu \ll:.:

qtr,r\ slql Aes l.uop J 't€rll \lt rr -red laql leede; ol tou sallsr.r!

cno^ ruY oHM,,

p:

-uroJ pue '1los 'ezrue8Jo 'elnleu 'leql sur€Jq e^Brl e.t\ esneJeg sn punoJe s8urql pue aldoad eqt lgrsseic ot^g puat e.u tel 'paglsselc oq o] se{rt euo oNI

.d3o1orq

sluared lru leq.r,r op re,\eu IIr,r\ rog 'e8e e,r,r, se pe8ueqfun -\llEr

,,;alotu[ue ele

noL oq,la..rou{ uale oq,, ot srautred peel uer pue ,8ursn;uoc dra,L 'rapuom 1 Lllecrleuerp;o sdo.rp qcnor Leqr 0q uec

srql 'tuorutrururor E a>leru

deqr rer;e

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rlf,not seldnoc

^ltuetsuoJ lueur ;og 'dnlsuor]EleJ sesetld erour ur ueql dn{slrnoc peplturuoc 'eldurexe Jo ,raaoelotrl .suortreJatur -rno lecrsdqd a]pueq e,u Suunp

^ltue.roJJlp'{tlur}xord

pue acua8rllelur Jno etrdsag -der1c ur ^rBS

e,tt se 'tnd ,(1drur:

Suneler.1o salAts ,sre,u8arel la

sureuar.tErit Surrelo: Jo des oq,r. eldoad eL[]

a1

.

',:r

ol enl

l;tl

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.,

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WIRED FOR LOVE

in describing these styles is to inspire respect and

In particular, their orbitofroni tions that provide feedback t. Compared with insecure ch:i moral judgment, greater con:r

believe to be normal human traits. Please do not

ment of frustration. In general

take them as character defects. Definitely don't turn them into ammunition

and arrows of social-emori.,r^,

and against your partner. Rather, see these styles as representing the natural necessary adaptations each of us makes as we develop into adulthood'

ity, and sensitivity. Good

case for somerimes makes it di{ficult to pick the most salient one. If this is the you, no worries. You can keep both in mind and use whichever fits best in a

given situation. Second, my purpose

understanding for what

I

A secure relationship is cl teel

quickly soothed. It's a grear :. ':'

and excitement and nor,elrr',

HOW WE DEVELOP OUN S:rYTE OF RELATING As I've stated, our social wiring is set at an early age. Whether we grow up feeling basically secure or basically insecure is determined by how our parents or caregivers relate to us and to the world. Parents who put a high value on relationship tend to do more to protect their loved ones than do parents who value other things more. They tend to spend more face'to-face and skin'to-

skin time with their child; be mote curious about and interested in their child,s mind; be more focused, attentive, and attuned to their child's needs; and generally be more motivated to quickly correct errors or injuries, because they want to restore the goodness of the relationship. In these ways, they create a secure environment for the child.

The dynamics of this early relationship leave their mark at a physiological ievel. Neuroscientists have observed that children who receive lots of positive attention from adults tend to develop more neural networks than do children deprived of sociai interaction with adult brains. The primitives and ambas' sadors of secure children tend to be well integrated, and so these children

experience this kind of :cc'-:

adulthood. We become rvhai However, not all

ol ui

secure. Perhaps we had selel:

sistently available or depen;,

who primarily valued somerl preservation, beauty, }/outh,

tation. Maybe one or

pr

iri.

independence, and self-surrr;r

can supplant the value of relat choice.

A

caregiver's mental

immaturity, and the like can happens to us, then as adult, insecurity. That can lead us r. instead viewing ourselves

as

lead to ambivalence abour c..r more like a wave.

generally are able to handle their emotions and impulses. Their amygdalae aren'r overcharged and their hypothalamus conducts normal operations and feedback communication with the pituitary and adrenal glands, the other

ExERc

rs

r

OF YO

turning that system on and of{ when

As you wonder about your o\\t

appropriate. Their dumb vagus and smart vagus are well balanced' Because of good relationships early in life, secure children tend to have a

following happened when \oLt

well-developed right brain and insula, so they are adept at reading faces, voices, emotions, and body sensations, and at getting the overall gist of things.

i

cogs

48

in the threat and

stress wheel,

t

Was I frequently leit

6V

's8urqr;o lsl8 1iera,lo eqt iJlos^ur {q ,{u|d 0t ouolu tJol

I

spM

A

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e.^d

esBc qcnl.4a

])YJ :lISI){:IXI

ueqt eJour esle Surqlaruos panle^ {peuipd

rg

'alqepuedep ro elg€lrene

euo lnoqlr./r\ 'sla,Lr8elec Surlelor IBJeAas p€q

e.la.

e^eq ol puel uoJPIILll

.'.+

0lnr.! .i? i:r

'PeluBIEq II0.r\

ueq^ #o pue uo urats.ii

eeiep8,{tue

[]l erolu ur 'srer{lo gtr,nr SullrauuoJ tnoqe ef,uelE^rqruE ot peal

esues s(Plrqc E qlr^d ereJJatur

Jo euo aqleyq

ro 'lauour']ua1e1 'acua8rllalur'ecueurro;.rad 'qlnoL'^lneeq 'uorle'uesald

se,4d or{,4d,

;ur:.;

'sare; Surpear le ldepe al:B

:plrrlc E e;enn no,{ ueqnn peuedduq FulMolloJ aq1

:L -.-

Jaqto aql 'spue18 IEuolpE l: puB suorl€Jedo leru:ou stlr.F,.r,

crooH(nrH:) uno/\ ro IOHSdYNS Y

arrlolaq

uEf, tI rO '[rrueurnq Jo ueoco eq] ur puelsr uE se sallesJno Sur,trer,r p€elsul 'lcetuoc l{3nru oot pro^€ pue sellesJno or dee4 ol sn peel UEJ }Br{I 'L]rrncesur

Surdpepun uB qtr.^d sdrqsuorteler ol eurof, e^\ stlnpe s€ uaqt 'sn ot suadderl uel alll eqt pu€ 'd]Irnteuurr

stql;1 drunces Jo

'sso1 ro Burnert pelloserun 'sseulll leolsdgd lo I€tueru s,lenr8alec V 'ecror{J .(q tou st t1 'srncco slqt ueq^\ uago pue 'drqsuonelar;o enle^ aqt luelddns uer Sutqrdue tsoutlv 'd1qapl; drqsuoneyar reno Lcuercr;;nsJles pue 'eruapuedapur 'uor]El

'dce,u-rd 'drledol pazrseqdura sre.nr8arec eJour

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dn

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pooqpilql Lpee ur sdrgsuouele; peq sn Jo IF rou 'la^tamo11 'rorlrue ue 3ur11ec ru.l tEq.^A euroleq elN 'pooqtlnpe

'r:,'

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.par{toos

uny lredxe uBf, eA\ e:et1,m ereld B s,tl ieq o1 sreld leer8 e s.tl ,!1crnb ere s8uqee; peq due esn€Jeq aleuluopard s8urlae; poog .dtr,Lursues pue ,,(1r

{qlxeg 'uorlcerelur

'sseulnydeld Lq pezualcureqc sr drqsuoneleJ elnces

V

'suorl€nlrs

lErcos ur re]]eg rEJ op puB sseJts l€uorloule-lBrJos Jo s.4d.oJJE pu€ s8urts aql ot ]uerlrsal arour er€ ueJplrrlc eJnJes 'leraua8 uI .uorterlsnUJo luoru ,lueur8pnf -a8eueur luelsrsuoo oJour pue 'saslndrur Je^o loJluo3 releer8 letow

rerreq tqredrue eJour a^Eq ot puer ,(aqt (ueJplFIJ arnrasur qrrm paredtuo3

'serrrtrull:d Jreqt puE sropBssEgurB reqto rrer{t ot epraord tBgt suorl {J€qpee} ,relncrlred u1 -JeuuoJ IEJneu qlrzn 'padola,tep ]la^\ sr xatJoc lBluouolrqlo Jleql

ulNruvd

rno

l.';:..:I

'PooqtlnPE s1g1

pue I€JntBu oqt Suuursolj.r : uolllunulule olur ulerlt uli'.r .... lou op eses]d 'slrBJl uErurr.u -

pue lcedsar aldsur ot sr s:l-r-: B uI lseq slu re^ellclq.!\ esn F r asel aqt sr srrll JI 'auo tuarr'c JoJ

^^oN)

WIRED FOR LOVE Was

I taken out as a show item and then put away when no

TABLE : THRE

longer neededP Was I expected t0 meet the needs of my caregivers more than my own needs!)

Style

Stre

Anchor

Secr

Was I expected to manage my care$ivers' emotional world or

\7i11

self-esteemP

V

Gen,

Was I expected to stay y0ung, cute, and dependentP

Ada

Was I expected to $row up quickly, act self-sufficient, and not be

?

Island

inde

a problemll

Take

Were my caregivers sensitive t0 my needs or did they frequently

Prod

(r _r

misread meP

Lo*' Wave Before we go further, I want to clarify that this snapshot of your child.

Genr Focu

hood is not about whether or not you were loved by your parents. I don't want to give the impression I'm talking about lotre. !7hat I'm describing has less to

Hrpr

atti

Able

do with love and more ro do with safety and security and the underlying tudes we bring to a relationshiP.

As you read about the rl

TURET STYITS OF RELATING When speaking about attachment styles, psychologists use terms such as securely attached, insecurell auoidant, atdinsecurely ambiualent. To keep it a bit lighter here, I'm going to substitute the terms anchor, island, and watte. Clearly there are advantages to being an anchor. Given the option, most of us would choose to feel secure over not. But we all bring something different to rhe table. Imagine what a boring place this world would be if it were any other way, To help you keep this in focus, I'd like to begin by summarizing

the strengths of each type, in table

3.1.

the three styles, see which and your partner.

THE ANCHOR: THAN ONE."

sr

.

Mary and Pierce have been children, both now out ofrh, time dealing with their as:r

offspring. When Pierce's n.r disease, the couple found . Both have rewarding but Cer

50

IS

(piarJ

sE qrnur sB pu€ l€8al aql ur sreerec Surpueruep tng Surpre,r,ret e^Eq qtog 'suortdo snorren eql r{tr,^d SuttS8nrls sa^lesuaqt puno; aldnoc egl 'aseasip s(relureqzlv qlr,Lr pesou8€rp se.u Jaqloru pe.{\oPm s(eJreld uel{lN '8uuds;;o

u,uo Jreqt ot patelar sanssr qti^\ ueqt stuared Sur8e .neql

qtltr Sutleap euru

qtog 'ueJPIIqc aroru pueds eJJard pu€ Lrey1 's.&p eserlJ 'eruoq eqt Jo tno ^\ou 'sreed -ro; reqreBor uaeq a^€q ecrer4 pue .{tery

o,,rrt pasr€J

Lagl

a.r.IJ

Llua.q

u:IIIEI fg NY)

NVHr

"'rNo O^AI,, :UOHfNY

rHI

Surzuerutuns ,(q ulSaq ot a{rl F. ere,{\ lI Jl eq plno^a PIlo^\ sllll -ratlP Sulqtauos Suuq IlE a.\\

lsour'uorldo eql uelrC 'rorpur ' a ftD

nn

pwe' puolst' tot1:ur

trq e rt deal oL'ruapMqwD .\l:^i se

qlns surJat,asn srsrSoloqr.isJ

'reutred rnol pue

DN

Slesrnod;o sa1[ls drqsuor]Elal eqt slJaUaJ rsaq e1[rs qclq,^A aes 'sallJs aarql aql tnoqe eroru ur€al pu€ reldeqc slqt ut saldnoc eeqt el{t tnoq€ P€eJ nol' sy

anssr

-1rre SurLpapun eqt pue

uEJo sepls qloq eas ol elqv

ot

eldoed reqto punore uagm lsatddell

.'irr:nl

ssal sEq Surqursap ut.I rErl.,{

tue,nr r,uop 1 'srua.red rno.\

srarjtoJo arec Sutqel uo pasncoC

\l ;i

-p[lq) rnol .;o toqsdeus srt]l -. e^ElN

Sutnt8 pue snoJeueC eSuBueluIBuI A\O'I aceds ua.r,r8 ueq.tr trllercedsa 'e,LrleeJc

,{l1uenbeLl .{eqt ptp .ro

pue a^rlJnpoJd

sa^lesueqt Jo arec poo8

stlr

a>1e1

ruEIIer-JIes pue ruapuedapul

0q lOu pLlP 'luolclJJns-1la:

PUEISI

]uaurour er{tJo spaeu agr ol f,lsea rdepy

I

iluapLrorlap pir

aldoad dddeq Lyleraueg

Jeqtoue qtrl\ aleqs,!1n; pue trururoJ ot SunlUN slBnPr^lPq a1d1s

sE

J0

ror{f,uv

erncss

slqr ur elelar oqn aldoed Jo sr{l8uerls

pUOM lUU0llOtUd .s.l.r\r;

3I&S ur?t.ll dJOru sJd\rFo,rP

)

iUr

DNIJV]]X JO SE]AJS llXHT

lHI:lO SHIDNIU]S I'€ rlsvl rrNJuvd uno1\

0u uoLlM ,4u,nnu lnd

LraLlt

I

^^oN)

WIRED FoR LOVE they would have liked to bring Pierce's mother into their home for care, they had to acknowledge that would not be realistic.

Their conversations during the process of arriving at the decision to find like this. "I want you to tell me exactly how you feel," Mary says, looking intently at Pierce so as not to miss any subtle communication written on his face. a medical facility for Pierce's mother went something

"Of course, you know I always do," says Pierce. "Honestly, since we had that long talk the other night, I have to say I'm feeling a degree of relief."

care of in a good environmen

"You mean since we discussed moving your mom out of her home?"

"Right." He pauses, looking deeply into Mary's eyes, not hiding the pain

to talk with you about all this

a

load off me to realize that

staying here might not be the best life for her."

I

with me when I first said what I thought would be best," Mary says quickly. "I wasn't sure we were on the same page. My parents are stili healthy, so this isn't the same experience "You know,

was worried you might be upset

for me." Pierce smiles. "Yes, I admit I was pretty upset at first. But I thought about

it. I knew you were trying to figure out what would be best for all of us-you, me, and my mother."

"Exactly," says Mary. "If it were my mom, I'd want the same from you. This isn't about getting my way. It's about us, together. If you strongly believe we should find a way to bring your mom here, at least for a while, I'11 work

WI CeN Do Ir Mary and Pierce are

exar

relarionship Geling secure in don't always choose to be ri-itl

island or a wave. In many ca, becoming more of an anchor. anchors can pull non.anchors

the reverse can occur, as

r.r.ell

becoming more insecure.

As anchors, Mary and pier

with you on that. I might disagree. But I certainly won't fight you."

'And thanks for not overreacting when I started to

because they experienced anc

"Honey, I had a pretty good sense of what was happening for you," Mary

responsive, and sensitive to ti efforts to communicate. Both l

"Thanks,"

says Pierce.

high value on relationship ar

kind of uptight."

says

'And bring her here for where Mary left off She wipei and kisses it. 'Actually, I thir

"I know you wi11," says iv up, we'Il deal with it. As we a "Yup. You know," pierce a

still hovering beneath his relief. "I think it's taken

ger

arranging our schedules so w( stops because she sees pierce

gently, then pauses and continues with a twinkle in her eye. "You know,

long manual, with all my quirks and foibles."

hugged, kissed, and rocked as their parents'eyes that thel kn Neither Mary nor pierce t-e

Mary gives a little chuckle. "You know I wouldn't have you any other way. Besides, the manual you have on me isn't exactly the abridged version."

her. And neither Gels anxiou. When they have ro be apart r,

after ali these years, I have the manual on you." Pierce smiles back. "You sure do, and I'm so

Pierce pauses and sighs deeply. "\7hen

glad-even if it's a heck of

I thlnk

about

it

a

rationally, it's

obvious that it wouldn't work to bring mom here." "Honey, if we put our heads together; we can find ways to make the best of the situation. For example, getting your mom a place that's close by. And

52

phone and e.mail, greeting each or apart, they are unafraid to f:r about any negative consequenc

what she thought wouid be te. feelings and treat one another ,

ts p€q pue saeu PooS erBqs ol ecJnos lsllJ ol{l sB reqlouE euo lEeJl Pue s{Joqto qree tJedsoJ Leql 'ruour s(arreld toJ tsaq eq PIno^\ lg8noqr eqs leq.{\ sSuIIeeJ

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'.raeqc poo8

pue sseullo^Ii qlI^A Jel{to rlf,€e Eullear8 '1leu-e pue auogd

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urrq o1 sBurlc ro Lpeau l,pa,no

or1,r,r

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sre^u8erec dpea ruorJ pauleol pue paJueuadxe .{eql esnecaq

uV

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e peceld

roqtouB euo ot l]trnces sltlt Jal;o ot elqe ere ef,rald pue Lre61 's'loqcue sy 'eJnJasur eroru Suttuooeq

olui JoqJuB ue gnd u€J eAe.4A Jo puEIsI uV 'llal6

'esrnor JO 'se^lesurotlt srorlf,ue Suruoceq otul srol{lue'uou 11nd uer sloqsu€ :luElJodurr sr lI esnBJeq ute8e srgl des eu lal 'Jol[JuB uB Jo eJoul Suttuoceq

raulred Jeqlo eql uI llnsal seqJleu esaql 'sese: .(ueur u1 uB rltr^\ et€ur uBc ror1Jue

sroqrue 'osrnoc JO 'slenpr,tlpul s€ sollesuloqt uI eJnf,as Sutiea; drgsuotlelar eql ol eluBf, qcee daql 'sloqcue o^\l Jo saldurexa arE ef,reld pue trrery

ulHrsDOJ JI OC NV) rM

raqto.(ue nol e^Bq ],up1no.'

BJo lreq

E s,lrJr

uana-pe13 n.,.

',r\ou>l

no ,, 'a[a reg uI elIur.\\]

Lletr1 ,,'noL ro; Sutuadderl sE.\\ :

ol pJtrets I

ueLl,lr

Sutlreo;:o.r, l,uu\\ \lul

,,'rroL iqBrl

Iro^{ II.I 'e11t1.u e roJ rsEel rE ': '::qt:F e^erlag L18uo.rts no,(;1

'nol. ruor; etues eL[] tuB.{\

'no[-sn;o

.

p,l

'-.

JIe roJ ]seq eq Finr-'

rnoqe rqEnoqt I tng 'rsrg lE

rri:

ecuerradxa eures eql l(usl srrlt

uo

aJe.{\ eiA e,Ins l(usE^\

plES lsJU

leql 'slql I]E lnoqe noL qli.t\ ,('uleet poo8 e e>leul alN

no1 'dntr,, elqe Sureq etercerdde os '8ng e req Surlt8'sPP€ ecratd ,,'^\ouI 1,, '11 rltl^\ IEep 11,e.tr 'dn ,,2qeeL 'op sdemle o,4d. sV seruor JeloteqlX '3ur11er deal i1,em puy,, 'dre14 s,{.es ,,'11pt nod.troul 1,,

I

ezIIEer

uoLlM

I,, .\1r-rau qlttr t:-::'

ol eltllJO p"o1 . .-r.' rr .. r:,

ured eqt SulplLl Jou

'sa

,

..leuloq Jeq Jo lno tuL.rlu i: -. ..Jarial Jo aer8ep e 3ur1a:: per{ e^\ ecurs '[1]sauoHl, err:: uelllJ,\\ utrllEll' 'aCEJ SIq Uo

t,,r;T,il;il:::j;:i:J:il;::

ue{€r IIe^\ urour dtu eas I ef,uo retaq IaeJ puEq raq sqer8 aq pue '>1aeqc srqy;o dorpreet e sadr.ra aqs lJo r;e1

[re4

,{puarur 3ur:1oo1 's{es 'srqr

areq,tr

dn Sur4crd 's,{es aq ,,'u€f, e.tr s€ ua}o sB slEeul ro; erarl req Sutrg puy,, 'dn Suueet saLe srq pue pEeq srg Surppou orreld saas atls esnecaq sdots L;ep1 ,,"'elqrssod se qf,nru sE rotl lIsI^ qtoq uer a.!\ os selnPeqcs rno Sut8ueue

-.

r.re1i

rIIl

6ur i-^

puu ot uorsrlep eql te bur.rr:-,' -l Leqt 'erec roJ eruoq rrorit oru:

dlNruvd uno,\ MoN)

WIRED FOR LOVE news. Each takes careful notice of the other in private and in public, minding cues that signal distress and responding quickly to provide relief. In all these

"l value my close rela them in good conditio

ways, they build a murual appreciation for their couple bubble and regard themselves as stewards of their mutual sense of safety and security. Each has made the effort to learn how the other works and to compile what amounts

"l get along with a wi(

"l

to a manual with all this knowledge, and they make use of it on a daily, if not

"My close relationship

moment-to-moment, basis.

This couple truly view themselves to be in each other's care, and understand thar the iifeline they maintain, their tether to each other, is what gives

?

them the energy and courage needed to face the daily stresses and challenges of the real world. Because rheir relationship is secure, they are able to con-

tinually turn to it and use it

as

"l'm equally relaxed \

their anchoring device amidst the sometimes "lnterruptions by ml,

Anchors take good care of themselves and their relationships. They expect committed partnerships to be mutually satisfying, supportive, and respectful, and will not bother with unsafe or nonreciprocal relationships' They do not give up on a relationship if the going gets rough, or when they become frusrrated. They are unafraid to admit errors and are quick to mend injuries or misunderstandings as they arise. They handle moments of togetherness with the same ease as they handle separation from their partner' In these ways, they are good at coping with relationship challenges that might overwhelm non- anchors.

EXTRCTSE: ARI YOU AN ANCHOR? Do you believe ygurself 0r ygur partner might be an anch3rp Look at this checklist and see if it fits-first for yourself, and then for your partner.

l(

Now let's look at a couple

love of people, and complexity. They adapt easily to the needs of the moment. They can make decisions and bear the consequences.

54

"Lots of physical conti

alone."

chaotic outer world. Anchors aren't perfect peopie, but they are generally happy people' They are given to feelings of gratefulness for the things and people in their lives. People tend to be drawn to anchors because of their strength of character,

v

love people, and pe

,

THr IsreNn: ..I V HousE, Iusr NoUxruss I ASKYo

Chiana and Carlos, both prote,

their marriage not to have chrl ship with plenty of travel and ar

ried because she felt her career to another person. But then sb

spirit. After their wedding,

rh,

areas: his and hers. Carlos ha;

nights when he wished to sra\' could write and watch teler-isio:

"l'm fine by myself, but I prefer the give-and-lake of an intimate

room was wired with high-spee

relationship."

sides

oftheir oversized king.

ss

'3ur1 pazrsra^o rreqt jo seprs emlcedser uo tr esn plnoc qtoq os leuJalul peads-q8rq qtr^\ poJr.^a

se,4d.

uroor

-peq retseut Jraql 'paqrnrsrp Suraq tnoqtr,4d. uorsrlelot q3te.\\ pue atIJ^\ plnor erls arer{^\ acrllo u€ peu8rsap euerqo 'ere1 dn Lets JoJ

paq ilerus B

qtur 'ruoor

ol

paqsr.4l eq uaq,tr. srq8iu

Jrsnur u^\o slq p€q solreC 'sraq pue srq :seore

eteredas o^At pepnlf,u] tBr{t euoq B tllnq

[eqr

S!Ll]

olsrrrllur uB J0 olPl-pLrP-.1,; J0ulJud Jn0^

lP

'8urppe.^A rrer{t JaUV 'lurds

peJpur)i E e>lll petuaes eq pu€ 'sope3 tour eqs ueqt

leqt ur sl€uorsseJord qtoq 'sope3

pue BusrqC

I00l

.rOJ

uit,l i

,

dJOLicUP LlP a{-l -,,

zuoHfNY NY

lng 'uosred reqtoue ol

etolep ol erun req ],upJp tsrleurnol e se reareo rer{ ]leJ er{s asnereq perl ^\oll€ -.ruur Sunte8 uo 'erntuelpe pue ie^En jo druald qrlar dnis JJo pleq p€q €u€rrlo -uonelar Jreqt qslllaqure ot peatsur pue uerplrr{J eAFq ot tou a8eureur laql ur dpee peprlep 'seruo;,!rea

rq8ru reqr se8uelluqr il;. j -: u1 ':eul:ed llJtl.l tucu u . .-.-, -' -qfeSof ;o slueurotu a]Fu':tJ ".:'-'

,,'no )sY I ssrTNn "'woou ,\W Nr roN rsn( 'rsnoH

THI NI NOA INVAA I,, :CINV]SI :IHI 'el^ts tuereJjlp dren

B

repun ateredo oq,m eldnoc

B

t€ >lool s(tal

^aoN

pueru ot lctnb ere puE ij--::: Laqt uog,lr ro 'g8no: :t:r I - l 'sdrqsuorteler ieco:drra:; : : pue 'a,Lrlroddns '8ut.usi-'. .", .{aq1 'sdrqsuouBlel

ril;r : -: '.:: -:*: ,, ,.- :

'luaurour erllJo sPeou .-,''ratcereqc 1o

qiSuals lr--*--

'se^rl rrerlt ur eldoed :u: Leql'aldoed Addeq r, .-:

,,'au JaLlloq lOu 0p s0u0 pa^Ol {Lu {q suorldnJJatul,,

a

.-

;:: :-.

-

:

.r r. ..: ' ieqr':::-::, ,'

saurneluos erJl lqlrrrir'

-uoc ol elqe alE

,,'au0l€

salrE l€q,t\ sr 'reqto r1rr. - -: -' -repun pue 'elec s,laura ,-r:: -

I

.'.'.:: ; ,

ru,l uorlM puP JOUilud ,{Lu Lllr,u ru,l uoLlM pax€loJ ,{;Junbe Lu,;,, A ,,'oril ullM ourJ sr uortc0}lB puB tcptuOs lucts^Lld J0 sl0l,, ,,'ollFp4 t,uoJE sdlrlsuOllulOr 0s0lc

0l pual Old0ad puu 'old0od

3^01

oplM p rJllM Fu0lu toF

lou Jl '^llBP

onlu^

^u

E

uo lI -]o a!:L

:.i,

.

s]unoure teq.r alrdLu.'r - : seti qcEE 'dlltncas pu:-- .'.-r::::

1,,

1,,

,,'u0lllpuoc p00F ul uaql

solet t! lullM 0p lltM puu sdlllsuollploJ osolc

se8ualleqc pue sossalrs

,,

^1 ,,'oru 0A0l

,,'aldOod J0

pre8a: pue rlqqnq e1J : rseql lle ul jJlJl +pr - --

^louu^ daa>l ot

ulNrdYd nno/\

1,, A

Sutputt-u 'rtlqnd ut Fu:-

-

:-- . --

^^oN)

WIRFD FOR LOVE Problems arose shortly after their wedding. Chiana's interest

in

"You're correct. It was tn'c

sex

started to wane. Carlos was accustomed to taking turns initiating Chiana stopped making moves and started rejecting his advances. The intense eye contact they had so often enjoyed during courtship was replaced

"No it wasn't," she counte

sex, but

shows, movies, and conversations from across the room. Although Carlos was the first to complain of loneliness, his behavior was not

by television

entirely dissimilar from hers. Arguments about their lack of intimacy began to go like this: "I still love you," Chiana explains, after they've come home from work and Carios has rnade an advance she's rejected. "It's just we're so busy. Plus

Deflared, Carlos again r u much of this am I supposed to Chiana siams a file onto l you want me to be successful.

After a brief stare-of{ Ca: out of herel" He leaves. slamnr

I CAN DO IT N4

you know how I feel about staying in shape." Carlos's face turns red. "So you're blaming me for not having sex? It's my

fault because I haven't been working outl Is that what you're saying?" "Don't put words in my mouth. I'm saying we're both busy."

"No, I distinctly heard you say you're not into sex because I'm out of shape. That's ridiculousl I'm in great shape, and you know it. If I told you something like that, you'd never talk to me again." "Look," Chiana says impatiently, "let's talk later. I've got a deadline and can't deal with this right now." She picks up her laptop and heads briskly for Later that evening, Carios puts finishing touches on the dinner he's cooked. He cails for Chiana, but there's no response. So he approaches her office and opens the door. Chiana, her back turned, barks, "Not nowl" Knowing she hates to be disturbed, Carlos stays in the doorway. "Don't you want the dinner I made for us?" There's a long silence, during which Carlos grows increasingly irritated. says sharply,

trying to get her attention, but afraid of stepping

...

to look closely only at Chian:. Chiana is not purposeli- i: doing what she knou.s

L-e.r

is Carlos. First and foremosr. reactions have a basis in her

i-

fo move toward and ar.l ar' l;. rhe kind of response she an, r-. vous system. These part.rr.. :' .r-.

merely following suit non-. Chiana's anger at her hu.:

In

defense, she shrugs antl s:'.

same?" Let's look at hou' Ci-,1.r:

any closer.

"'What do you want?" she screams, turning and slapping her hands hard on her legs. "I told you, not nowl" She pivots back to her computer. Carlos sighs deeply. "So, when can I expect you?" "I'11 be

i

if we wanr to call it that, is rh;style is. And perhaps more rn-.: stand it, either. Both of them

she's

her office down the hall.

"Chianal" he

Now, before you jump t,, not doing anyrhing outside ..i

there as soon as I can. Fifteen minutes, okay?

\With that, Carlos leaves. But he's back twenty minutes later. Chiana, still working fervently, senses his presence. "That wasn't fifteen minutes," she snaps.

island, and what this nrean.

:

r

Chiana was an only chii: her parents were workrng pr, :-

,.

over their daughter. Chiar-ra

;.

ciaily touchy-feely. Her forcr

..

recall either coming to her ri i-,;: to recall ioving moments calr:-:

parents, who she strongh' be1r.

56

LS

Aeqt '11e raUV 'raq ro; peler pue pe^ol se^arleq '(18uons eqs og^\ 'stuared rag SurLe;leq sr eqs sleej egS 'frelxue €uerrl] sesnec s]ueurour 8ur.to1 llerer ol Lrrlqeur ra11 'rq8ru t€ tno pel1€r ro perro

eqs uar{^\

req ot Sururor reqtre ilereJ

t(uBJ erls lng 'raq ot pnole pear saurteuros stuared reg 'dlee;-dq3no1 {1en -edsa tou tnq tu€rl]rrq sB reqtour raq soqrrJsep €ueqC 'letr.[8nep Jraq] lalo grte^n ot ,(uueu e pedoldue daqr pue 'sleuorssa;ord 8ur>pom ere.t stuared ;eq

rltog Lg auru;o leep poo8 e tuads orl^A plrqo ,(1uo ue s€.{\ EuBrrlC Jlesreq 'solrBO glur drqsuonelar req roJ sueaul sltlt tetl.{\ pue 'puelst u€ aureceq ot rerl pe] Lrolsrq drqsuoueler s.EuerrlC te >lool s.ta-I ..lerues ^\oq aqt op uortrsod ,{ul ur ,(poq,{ue t{uplnol6,, 's.(es pue sEnrqs aqs 'esua;ap u1 'pegrrsn! {1n; 'pupu raq ur 'sr uorsnrtur s(pueqsnq raq te re8ue s(euBIqC 'A\ou trns 3urmo11o; Llereru

sr aqs la8e Lpea

Lrel e uorJ erer{l uaaq

eABi{ surelted

esaql 'tuals.{s sno,t

ueaurJ l.usE.u leq1., 'ecuesa:d

'lelBI sJlnurlu .\ lu). 2,(e1o

,setn.

(.lno.\

'relndruoc req ot

ll

ItE

plerl spu€q req Surddels pue F Surddals Jo plege tnq 'uonuar: 'palelrJJr Ll8urseerour s.uolE sa,

l,uoq,, 'Ae,tr:oop rr,lJ ur s\El: i

reg seqceordde aq og'asuoisa.

tnoqe pue 's;egto leu8rs ol ,r\oq tnoge 'srarlto ruor; Le,tte pue pre^{ot alour ol tnoqe Surpuelsrepun .ra11 'dnaleru lecrslgd req ur siseq e e^€q suol]Jeer

..'t

4au rer{ otur tllnq sI sreqto ruor; Sunla8 seledtcrlue atls asuodser Jo putl eql

^\oq

pue suortr€ s.euerqC teqt azrleal ot peou e.n 'tsoutero; pue tsrr1 'solJeC sr t€.r\ oqt dq'os puy'acuar.radxa u,^d.o Jer{ urog tsaq s^\ou{ aqs teq^\ Europ s,aqs

trertuoc aqt alrnf 'e8errletu Jerl urnr ot SurIJt Llesodrnd tou sr EUeIqC '€uEIqC le [po Alesolc ]ool ol Suro8 er,a.tr 'a1es s,l,trorldurrs roJ lng 'spuelsr eJE ruoqt Jo qtog 'rerltra 'lr puets solle] 'ef,uetsur srql ur.{puelrodrur e;our sdeqred puy 'sr alLrs -rapun tiusaop

drqsuoueler req ter[.{\ pue]srapun tpsaop eqs teqt sr'ler{t tr ot tuB.{\ e^\Jl IIBJ 'puelsr 'arnteu tou uB sr egs req Jo eprstno 8urr1l.(ue Surop 'ruelqord ureur laH s,aqs :lq8rerls Surqtauos ta8 s,tal 'euelqC aBpnl or dunf noL aro;aq '.tto51

I]ESAW

II

OC NVf

I

'rurq purqaq roop eqt Sururtuels 'se,tee1 eH ({ieJaq Jo tno ui.I 'reuulP u.r,ro rnod eIBt\ laurc,, 'stuelar solr€3 l]Jo-erBts JerJq E reuv ,,1eru Sur8etoqes

daal no.{ lnq 'lnJssecJns eg ot etu 1ue,tr nod

des no1,, 'sruBelcs pue 'punoJe surnl '1sap req otuo oirJ E sruBIS BuEn{C 'sleDnur aq ((le>lBt ot pesoddns I ule srqt Jo rlrnw ,tro11,, 'Sursrl sr uorlelrJJr srq tng 'aleel ol

[1uieo

sLes

surnl ure8e solJEO 'pelBUaC 'sJelunof, atls ,,'luse.t\ lI oN,,

sope3 ,,'.{]ua.ll

se.ld

ll

'lJeJJof, eJ(no1,

s,eq

leuurp eql uo sarl)nnl :

ro; .!1suq speerl pue dotdel ra, to8 a^,1 'retP] r:

pue eurlpeep

E

,.

ui-a

r::

nod plor I JI 'tl noi ^\ou>l

,

,,',(snq L1to.1 tl.:

-

Jo lno ur.I esnBJeq xes otui

,,;FurLes e;,noi teq-ri t: ,{tu s,:1 ,xas Surneq tou lor :r'J -

sn14 dsnq os er(a.{\ tsnl s,r1.. i:: IJO,{ UIOIJ euroq eruor e-\,,\ar_-_ :sIqt alll oE or u-:.

lou se,^d. Jor^Bi{eg srq 'sseull}u,_-'ulooJ eIIl ssorcB urorl su.-:-l paceidar se,lr, drtlsunol Eur:r,: er{J 'srruE^pe slLI 3uu:>.:.r lnq 'xJs Suttetltur Su;nl Eurr.' xes

ur lseJelur s,euBtrl] :u::

urNfxvd uno1\ MoN)

WIRED FOR LOVE always gave her what she needed, she tells herself. She has happy family pho' tos to prove

closeness

ofa couple bubble,

t.

ness are obscured by the drear

itl

In fact, there is nothing wrong with Chiana's memory. She can recall, for example, feeling hurt as a reenager by her father's disapproval. She has a vivid

Islands tend to experien. anchors. This is due to their

ir

memory of being afraid her mother was angry at her as they were leaving a toy store. These events did happen, and they were pivotal determinants of her

significant others,

current relationship style. Her lack of positive memories simply reflects the dearth of positive events in her early home life.

a partner. Especiaily if their their need for distance mav re simply through their high to1 example, when Carlos is au'a relief at the absence of interp loss or of being left. If toleratir

nutshell, we can say that the sum total of her experiences-the posi' tive and the negative; those she can recall and those she cannot-shaped Chiana into an island. Because her mo,ther rarely sought physical contact,

In

a

Chiana learned it was better not to look to others for affection. Instead, she focused on taking care of herself. As a single adult, she had no difficulty inter' acting with other adults. People saw her as smart and creative, and she developed a wide circle of friends who shared her interests.

When Chiana married Carlos, however, he became the home she experi' enced in childhood. She does not expect frequent interactions with him, including sexual intimacy. Although she enjoys his company, she finds it hard to shift out of her alone time. His bids for attention often feei jarring, as if he were trying to make her do something against her will. She tends to resist until he has coaxed her to come closer and engage with him. Once this shift is made, she adjusts and enjoys being with him. However, when left alone for even a few minutes, she again becomes absorbed in her private world. As an island, Chiana believes her alone time is a choice and a preference. She is unaware it's a consequence of her need to depend and connect having been met with unresponsiveness, dismissiveness, and insensitivity when she was an infant. People who are islands often confuse independence and auton-

omy with their adaptation to neglect. As we saw in chapter 1, in order to achieve true autonomy, it is necessary to first experience being loved by and taken care ofby another person. I want to reiterate: there is nothing inherently wrong with being an island. Merely conjuring up the image of lounging on a lush tropical island is enough for many people to feel a rush of endorphins'

In the context of

as

well

as

anchors may feel shy, islands c'

tr

breath underwater, islands cou else.

Isiands tend to look tou'ai

tionship conflicts or past relar

mantra is "That's the past," u'ir

be pointless. In point of fact. is

are unable to call up specitic. include "l don'r remember." "I:

tendency can become extreme \Without the help of their

1

they are, recognize their deep-,

come their anxiety abour inr' what they've experienced. In social world, they need to be

,

who will make the efforr ro nr it's impossibie for two island.

without some form of help,

rhe

ExTRcISE:

a

Do you rec0gnize yOutself anc

couple's relationship, however, difficulties can arise if one or both partners are

Here are some statements ihal for you-either for yourself or \

addicted to alone time, especially if they don't know it. Instead of seeking the

58

6S

JsutJpd Jn0^ J0 ll0sJn0^ J0I .t0Lllt0-n0^ J0J 'pur?lsr uu lleq u FurJ ,{uu yr eeg 1o ;ucld,{1 aJu terll sluouloluts outos oJ? oJaH dJPj Snql u0rssncsrp Jn0 uOJJ raul.rud rno,{ ro/pue 1;es;no,{ azluFoce; no,{ o6

ccNVlSI NY nOA lUV :flSIfU:IXI '11

tsure8e erE sppo egt 'd1aq;o urroJ auros tnorltr^\

rng 'olqqnq eldnoc € el€erc 'eldurexe ro; 'ot

spuBISr oru,t roJ alqlssoduu s,t1

des ot t,usr srqJ 'llit uieqt sel€ru terl.,lr tno purJ ot troJJe eqt e>l€ru ilr^\ oq.^A sreutred paeu [eq1 'Surpuetsrapun q]L{\ taur eq ot peeu leql 'ppoan lercos ot repJo uI 'pacuar,redxe an,[eq]

erour E otul

PUE sPuE]sr rreql JJo dels

teqarr

Lluo .uou>1 Latp '11e rer;y 'drqsuonelal etEuruur tnoqe dtarxue rreqt euoi) -;ea.o Llaterurtln ro 'ssaurleuol IBrtuetsrxa palees-daap lerlt ezruSocar 'ere Laql oq.&\

puetsrapun or Lle4tun oJe spue]sr ';autled naql Jo dlaq eql tnorllll6 'reutred rerlto eqt ro; Surtertsnr; Lletuerlxa autoceg uer dcuepual

sIqJ'uo os pue {(lseJ€J or14y,, ,,'Jel}Bru l(useop lL, ,,'JoqrueureJ l(uop L, apnlcul s]lBtep tnoqe pa>lse uoq^\ suruljler uouuroC 'scr;rceds dn 11ee ot alqeun ere pue rsed rrerlt ezruourep ro aztleepr uago spuelsr 'loe;;o lutod u1 'ssellurod aq p1no.u d;orsrq Surqseqer leql uouecrldurr eqt qtl^\ (((tsed eqt s(teql, sr EJlu€ur

rreril 'pooqpllt[c ur esoqr Surpnlcur 'sdrqsuoueler tsed ro s]f,rl;uoJ drqsuon -e1er tuesard re 3ur1oo1 plo^B pue arntnJ eqt pre.^Aot >lool ot puet spu€isl 'esle

dpoq.fue ueql :e8uo1 qlnur qteerq rraqr ploq p]nof, spuelsr 'ret€^uepun qtealg s,auo Surploq ol elgeredruof, era,u ouole ount Surrerelol 71 'r;a1 Suraq;o lo sso1 Jo sseueJe.\\€ reL[ ueq] ralear8 sr sserls leuosrad.ratul Jo ef,uesqe eqt ]B Jerlal roH 'ssol e laal t(useop EuBrrlJ 'sseursnq uo [e.,ne sr solr€O ueqm 'aldruexe roC 'raqtoue ouo urorJ lrede Suieq roJ ef,uerelot q8rq laqr q8nonp Lldrurs ratsesrp trnor uer spuBISr o^r1'Jo]sESrp ur tlnseJ deru aruetsrp roJ peeu rroql Leu spue]sr 'puelsr rorlloue lou sr rauued -lreql ;r dlelcedsE .reutred e reey

Lq suorsn.rtur pe.r.recred ot elrtrsues,!ra.ro eq uBc spuelsr tqs 1aa; Leur sroqcue seeJermN 'lereue8 ur suorlenlrs Iercos ur sE IIaA\ se ,s.raqlo lue:r;ruFrs Jo

seAE.AA

aql Surlaes yo p€etsul 'tl

^\ouI

ere srautred qtog Jo auo Jr esrlE B Jo txeluoJ erlt uI 'sulqdropu sr puEISr pcrdon qsnl e uo SurEr ue Suraq qtr,l Buor,,ir {tua:aq

pue ,{q parol Sureq ecuauadxa

ol

JepJo

ur '1 reldeqc ur

A\ES

-uotne pue eruepuodepur asn1u, er{s ueq.l.r .{tlrutrsuesut puE'sse'

Suraeq tceuuoJ pue puedap or 'ecuara;erd B puB e3roq3 e sl ari-i 'plro. a ote^rJd raq ur pa

loj euoie Uel

ueq^d 'lena,ro1-1 r

r;lqs srtlt of,uo'Lulq qttm aEr.=: ot sPuet eqs 'lll.r r0rl rsr tsrseJ

aqJr sB '8urue[ Iee] ueryo uonu: prBr{ tl spurJ eqs 'dueduoc sn1 s.

'ullq

qlL4A

suollf€ralur luan-c.'.

-uadxa aqs euloq eql eurElaq a 'slselat j tl:

1e^ep aqs pue 'e.r.rtea;c puE

ou pBq oqs 'tlnp

4atu]

^tlncuJlp aqs 'peelsul 'uorlJej;€ ro-] srarl.

'lf,Bruof 1errs,{qd :t18nos .r1a:r: padeqs-louuec eqs asorlt Fu -rsod

aql-secueuedxa rtlj jo

: ogt stf,egal dldruls

serrouroLu :

Jaq Jo sluEululloleP 1elo,\Id a:

[o]

e 8uu,ea1 arazrr deq] sE rar{ rE

-oqd [1pre;.(ddeq seq eqs ']ias

Jo sseueso]i)

Pl^l^ B sBq aqs 'lezrorddesrp s.:: ro; '11ecer u€r ar{S 'dlotueru s.e

raqt Jo eouasa;d oqt ur tBanlt Jo osues raq8q rreql ot anp $ sn{I 'sroqrue Jo sele,t\ op uer.[] sserls leuosJedrelui eJoru aJuerrodxe ol pual spuEISI 'erurt auo]e Sulrnp pateraue8 etets e)il]rueerp aql dq pernrsqo er€ ssau -lauol Jo s8uqaag

'11

ulNruvd )rno^

spro^e .rauued pelorppe eqt '|elqqnq eldnoc

E

^^oN)

WIRED FOR LOVE

ry

''[ know how to take care of myself

better than anyone else

husband who misses them d

Jaden says with a perplexed lc "But you call me all the ti

could."

ry ry I

"l'm a do-it-myself kittd of person."

that

"l thrive when I can spend time in my Own private sanctuary."

me so much, why do you com

W

"l often feel my partner wants or needs something from me thal

"lf you upset me, I have to be by myself t0 calm down."

I can't give."

suggests he's clueless.

"I.

"]

,

don't. . . You thin Kaylee looks at him as it "You're right," he admits ..I

kids out of control and the

hc-.

feels like you're just ignonng

w

"l'm most relaxed when nobody else is around."

W

"l'm low mainlenance, and I prefer a partner who also is low

r

"That's not true," Kavlee yell at me. If I say somethins

maintenance."

"l

r

don't say anything nri

mean person. You must be tal

admitted it. I'm the opposrtc

,

spend time with you at nighr. me. And you never say anvth

THE WAVE:

LTrr t

..IF

Kaylee, looking exasperar

ONLYYOU LOVED ME

LOVE YOU.,,

Now let's meet another couple. Married for seventeen years, Jaden and Kaylee had two small children and lived in a modest two'bedroom house in the suburbs. Kaylee was a stay-at-home mom, and Jaden worked a nine'to'five job'

remember the nice things I

sa

don't mean it. Really, Jaden, u

just me; if either of the bor

s I'

and take it personally." Jaden responds by throu'

arms above his head, with his

they finally sought therapy for their problems, Kaylee complained

stood. I'rn not the bad guv.

that Jaden was often angry about everything: "He's angry with me, he's angry with the kids, he's angry with his boss . . . it's like nothing we do is enough, and I'm getting sick and tired of having to deal with his temper tantrums."

occasion, like our anniversan,

Jaden thought Kaylee was not acknowledging his reasons for feeling

don't even want to have sex ,,

angry and upset. Unable to sit quietly and listen to her even for a few moments

Kaylee looks down at the

'When

at a time, he expressed himself with grunts and groans and facial expressions

ofshock and surprise,

Their dialogue in couples therapy would go like this:

"I look forward to seeing you all day, but I don't think you even miss me at all. I call or text message, and you don't respond. It's like I'm bugging you or something. Do you know how many wives would give their right arm for a

60

I

take the initiative? You don'r his fingers, "you don't knou'',,

"l know. You've

aln'ars

\7hy dont you leave me.

i.

ii

.

aren't you?"

Kaylee continues to locr head shaking.

19

'8ur4eqs peag Jaq pue paploJ surre raq qtL A ,nou

tng 'uarop 1oo1 ot sanunuoc aa1.{ey

,,;noL l,uare nod;r'aru a.r.ee1 nod luop dq4, 'atu perueul no,{ L-rros er,notr lerll 2de,tr IaaJ al(notr ..r\ou{ L,

'elqnort r{Jmu oot

Le.,rr

lsnl tu,l 'e1qlssodurl ru.I tle;

s.{e.tr1e

,,'elqrssodtur er(no ,, 's.(es pue JooU er{l tE u^aop u1oo1 eelde;1 .(ia1es sseupoo8 ro; 'aru qlJA\ xas aAEq o] luEA,\ uele l(uop nod 'ees s(la'I " ",{epqrlq dru ,ro; atu le8 ol lerl,4d, .,rdou>I l,uop noL,, 'sre8ug srq uo Surtunoc suels er{ ,,'Leg s,laqteC JequtolueJ t(uop no lelrtertrur eql e{€l re^a plnoc noL lurqr nod oq 2rr ueld ot e^Bg 1 t;esre,Lruu€ rno oIII 'uorserlo letceds B s.erer{t arurt [rerla ]Eqt ^\ou>l noL oq ',(nF peq aqt tou ru I 'poots -Japunsllu 'sueneaq egr Surce; serta srq rllr^\ 'peorl srq e^oqe surJe d11eer L, lae; srq Surssot pue utq tuor; ur tno s8a1 srq Suurrorql dq spuodser uepe[ Jo ,,'dlleuosrad t| elel pus snorrnJ auof,aq noL 'noL ot uonuen€ ot sll€J sdog egr;o Joqtla JI leur tsnf ^ed tou s.tl puy'no,( reeu aq ot tu€.r\ lou our saleru tI 'uepef tl1eeg ']l u€eur t(uop nod rg 'des 1 s8urqr arru aqt requreureJ 1 Les pue are; lru ur {ceq tueq] ^\ollt rpop tsnl no1,, 's.{ES pue r{]€erg daap e selet 'pateredsexe 3ur1oo1 'ae1.&;1 (('eru ol ecru Sutqllue Les la,l,au nol, puy 'aru nol e{}l 'dsnq sLe.ule er,noL '1gBru le noL q]r.l arurl puads

€ roJ urJE lq8u leql e.u8 plno-t noL BuiSSnq tu,I o{ll s,t1 'puods: our ssrur ue,ra nod l.uop ] lurrl] :sll.1] JIll ob

suorssardxe slueurour

IEToEJ

A\eJ e JoJ

pue sueor8 p ua^e raq ot

8ur1aa; JoJ suoseeJ

nq

LI

SurEp:1

.('srunrluBl reduet srq qlr.\\ Irl s,e11..

dr8ue s,aq 'eur rllr^\ lr8ue

all

't18noua sr op

a,^a

Surqrou

s

paurelduroc ee.1Ley 'srualqo;d -u 'gof e.u;-ol.auru e pa)iJo,r ua -qns eql ur asnoq uroorPsq-o-\\l

eelLey pue uepef'sree,{ uee]ua.r

lrw a:r^of

roJ eurrt a^Eq t(uop

ot ISB ro oqt Suunp nod 11ec I uarllN 'plocJo elsoddo eqt tu(I 'iI peltltupe ^ep a.r,nol, pue 'p1oc aq UBJ no1 3lasrnod rnoqe 3ur11et eq tsnur no1 'uosrad ueatu

e Jou ur(L, Jlesurq Surpue;ep (slrolal

er1 ,,'ueeru

8u[pdue [es ],uop

1,,

MOl sr OslB OLIM JeulJPd

P

(.'uJnlal ur uBeru Surqlatuos des nod 'ecru Sunlleruos des 1;1 'aur re gaL

lsnl noL pue 'noL o] ouroc I ueUO,, 'stdnue]ur ae1[e;q ,,'enJ] lou s(lerlJD t1

,,'eru Surlou8r lsnf eJ(no^ e1n slee; pue 'ryo,vr ruor; petsneqxa ru,1 '[e;res]p uI esnoq eq] pue IoJtuof, Jo 1no spl{

eqt ees ueq.^d d;8ue la8 op 'atnurur E JoUB stnupe aq ,,'tq8u er.no; I L, 'li tnoq€ ot rutq Suncadxe sB rulq tE slool aa1[e;1 {uqt JI .. ... Iurqt t,uop 1,, 'sq8nel e11 ,,2Lpns tu.I luqt no1 'tpop I L,

,,'pun0"lP !t

l3r.ll

0u

ruOJj FurqlaLU0s sri

,,'uM0p tillPc 0l

lli(

.'dpns ru,1

,qcmu os eru ,,2dpns pue JJo pesstd os euroq eurof, noL op ,(r1,tr ssru nol;1 puy 'no[ ssrur o] ecuerlt e ta8 t,uop L, 'sselenlr s,aq slseS8ns leqt ur pouepr,4n seLa 'spuodsar aalLey (.ieurrl eqt IIB etu II€c noL lng,, arntsa8

..',{tenlluus dlP\rJd u\\o

'

B

'arEJ srq uo 1ool paxeld;ad B qtr.t\ sLes uapef {.ltceuuoc ot stue.,!\ dilea; oq.la. '^Bp eqt Suunp ueq} sessru oq^\ pueqsnq

ulNrdvd uno1\

0sla 0u0^uE uurll J0llocl

:l

^^oN)

WIRED FOR LOVE

I CAN'T DO IT WITH

ON WITHOUT YOU.

Now, before you get angry at Jaden, remember he's not really doing anything wrong. As with Chiana, his reaction to his partner is quite reasonable when you consider that it's based on his experience not just with her, but with

supremely aware of having be

feels ripped

ofl

both then .

affection, particularlv frc,n-r

r

him. But he tends to focus

:,

she was too anxious to deal

.;

his earliest caregivers. In fact, both Chiana's and Jaden's insecurity preceded their current relationships. In other words, they both came to the table this

life to deal with his needs. la:

way, even if they don't realize it.

at a hotel, his morher

Jaden responds as he does because he is a wave. Ocean waves don't provide any sense ofsteadiness or security. They cause a perpetual disturbance of

night. He was only seven vc-1

the water-always going up and down, up and down. From the vantage point of the shore, waves come rushing in, only to immediately rush back out again.

especially his parents. He l-,

It's as if they can't make up their mind where they belong. In the case of part' ners, it's the wave who causes disturbance in the relationship by becoming preoccupied with fear, anger, and ambivalence about being close. They can't fully move forward because they are still caught up with past injuries and injustices. These thoughts and emotions ebb and flow like literal waves. If both members of the couple are waves, there can be even more tur-

moil-a

both partners alternate between being close and being standoffish. So, if you are a wave, or in a relationship with one, prepare for a certain amount of high drama. Unlike islands, who are likely to do a disappearing act when the going gets tough, waves respond by, well . . . continual tug of war,

as

making waves. Jaden's ambivalence stems from the fact that he both wants to connect

and is afraid of connecting. He alternates between feeling wanted and rejected. He thinks it's only a matter of time before Kaylee will reject him, so

to fights between his parenr..

cn.:

In contrast with Chi.-:.,

cuddling. He loved to rai< . ass." lt's not as if he n-rade :1-,:, Jaden renrembers Ji.likir'-ents sometimes left I'Lim ,,'.'r:i. sleepovers that took l'Lim a,i

-.

truly does n..i -l:-.. reunites with Kai'Lce ,::ti: :much as it bothers her. "l reaily miss her .n: '. Jaden

ine us cuddljng anJ h .r -:'.and something comes i-',::

:-'

don't know wh1. Sh.'i ., believe her. And r-er I il .,.' , me to fix the leakr rau.:- . about what she': rcalh . . .. .

.

. ,,. :.r -,

he holds back from feeling good, hopeful, relieved, and comforted. As Jaden puts it, "Better to reject before being rejected, better to leave before being

I really am a pain in ri

left." He comes in close to his partneE hoping for connection, then quickly pulls back, anticipating disappointment. This moving in, then pulling back is

ashamed if she

Whereas Chran.

realr:s-:-

.

the sign of a wave. The fact that Kayiee is an island-did you notice?-and therefore naturally pulls away in times of stress only serves to accentuate

beli.rr: r.: .. dropped, aband.,rr.J. ; : ates that reaction in hr. :.,-'.

Jaden's tendencies.

on her until she pushes b-::..

Unlike Chiana, Jaden remembers his childhood very well and remains '\fhile Chiana idealizes her past angry at his parents, as if time has stood still. and is unaware of having been on the receiving end of any injustice, Jaden is

62

However, he

r. . refuses to lo. k r :., Jaden remains preoccupicJ '.'. r: Chiana refuse.

.

-

-

t9 esnefoq

PJB,^AJOJ

e^our l(uorA eH 'slcruuoJ lualJnc qlrl!\ perdnJroeJd surBruer

pue tsBd eqt uo Sursnco; {cnts sr aloJaJeqt pue 'p.ru.uro; >lool oi sesn;ar uapef 'stcruuol tuerlnf, qrrm Surteep splo^€ pue {ceq Tool ot sesnJer euen{C '1ceq seqsnd eqs ]rtun JarI uo saqsnd aH 'Att.r.rle8au pue ra8ue srq g8norgi rautred srq ur uortreeJ

terll

sate

-eJJ eL[ ]eql 8uorls os sr uorledrcltue srql 'paqsrund ro 'peuopueqe 'peddorp Buraq seledrcrtuE pue 'euo.(ue roJ qJnru ool sl ag se^arleq ari 're.remo11 'puedap ot peeu srrlJo are^Ae sr uepef'sr eqs [peau,&\or{ pazrl€ar eqsJ] patueqse IeeJ plno.&\ pue euoeuros uo puedap ot paeu rell seluep BuBrqO seererlrN 'srBet Surtp; sede 's,(es aq ,,'ssB atlt ut uted e rue L11ea.r 1 qlr^a aut spuiJ aqg 'Surtae; L1pe; s,ags ]Brl^\ tnoqE

'.trou1 noL 'ure

1

puy '8urlouue

perrro,^d. ru.I tnq 'raq llnsur ot puetur I e{lJ tou s.tl ('terneJ ,(1ee1 eqr xrJ ot olu peau nod asnec, pe13 tsnl er,notr, 'a111 Surgteuros [es 11,1 ra.( puy ']oq a^erleq

II,I pue ,'eurog er,noL pel8 ru,L 'a{ll Surqtetuos ,(es 11,eqg ',{q,r ,nou1 luop 'aul re^o sautoo Sutqteulos pue 1 lng Surumorp ur.I e{l1 'Lr8ue dltuelsur IOaJ I 'atuog etuoo I ueqt tng 'reqleSol Surue,Le teer8 e 8ur.r.eq pue Surlppnc sn aur -8erur

sB

1,,

's,{es eg ,,'uBdB

eJ.e^A ueq,ln, Jaq tnoqe {ulljt

pue ler{ ssrur L11ear 1,, 'req srorltoq tr sB qJnur

urrq sesnJuoJ uortJ€er srg 'trede uaeq a.t,.{eqt ra}B eei^B) r{tr^\ setruner

aq re^euaq,&\ ra8ue qtr.tr streol aq .(q.tr puers:epun tou seop ,!nrr uapef 'stuered srrl pue auoq tuoU Le.,ue rurq {ool t€qt sra,Lodeels peterl aH 'sseltslp le er8 rurq Sursnec 'rellrstrqeq e qtr^\ urrq Uel saurteuros stua -red stpl 'pa.rou8r ro r;a1 Sureg se.tr .lasuelur tsour Sur4tsrp s,ragruaurer uapef

lerllN 'rlrrq ot rirnur se perldurr stue:ed qiog 'dn srqt epEru er{Jl sE tou s(tl (('sse etlt ut ured e,, Sureq se.r\ eq tloJ uol;o aq qrnru os llet ol pe^ol eg '8ur1ppnc eruu Surpueds pe{l1 eH 'stuared srg Lllercedsa pue 'setue8 8uile1d

'3ur>11e1

'sraqto rltra Surtceratur panle^

s.{em1e

uepef 'euerg3 Ltr]^\ tsertuoJ uI 'p1o sreed ue.tas Lluo sem

ag 'tq8ru

u uapef 'ecr]snlur due;o pua 3u tsed raq saal€epJ €uerr{O

allqA

sureureJ pue IIa^d lrerr poogppr

alenlueooe ol selJes Lluo ssa:r prp-puelsr

pue-iecrlou sr

no.{

{f,Eq 8uqlnd ueql 'ur 8ur.r.oru

,(11:rnb uoql 'uonf,auuol lol 6r Sureq eroyaq e^eel ot rauaq 'ir sy 'pe]JoJluoc pue 'pa-\ai

uapef

os 'unq 1calar

lim

eelAe;1 a:o1a;.

pue petue^d Sultaa; uee^\laq tJeuuoc ot stuE.4 r{toq erl tEqr

{a>11i ore oq^\ 'spuelsr

ol

' Ila^r 'Aq puodsa: sa^E.\\

''

'rl::

oIIIU-

'euo qtrm dlqsuolreler E ur ro uaal(teg eteur3tiE .

asoyc Suraq

-Jnl eJoru ue^e eq UBJ eleqt 's 'saAE.,!\ IBrelII a{ll 1\o! Fu: pue saunlur lsed qtrm dn rqii., luec Laql 'aso1o Surag tnoq? : Suruoceq Lq drqsuorrelol a'.lt -r.red;o JsBJ aqt u1 '3uo14.1 r.:'ure8e tno >lleq qsnr {aterpa-.u-.:

turod a8elue^ eqt uror{ 'u-\\oF Jo arueqJntslp lentadrad € asn€: -o.rd rpop sale.r{ uealo 'a-\E.r'! :

egr q8norqr req qtr^\ Lets ol uepef pe4se pue parrf, req]our srq 'letoq E tB palers pue esnoq arlt Uel raqte; srq ueq,{\ 'aoug 'stueled srq uee,rlaq srqBr; ol pol qlrrl.a\ 'algepe.reun sen Lltuenbe5 JaqteJ s,uapef 'speau srq qtr.r\ 1eep ot eJll u^\o Jaq qlrm pardnccoard oot pue 'sreel

sq

L[]ra\ Ieap ot snorxue oot s€^\ eqs

'ueq1 'rurq qtr^\ petertsn$ se,r arls serun aql uo snooJ ot spuet eq tng .urq pe{Jor pue 'p1eq 'pessr>1 ue}o oq^\ 'reqtoru srq uro4 d1:elncued (uoureJJe Jo .{rueld pelreoer eg 'euerq3

eljlun ',rnou pue uerp qtoq }o

ep1 'dtr.Lursuasur puB ssauqsrJlasJo

urNruvd uno1\

ruDlr^

srr.ll JlqBl eql

ol eluEr rlloq \e-

pepacerd dtuncesur s,uapef Fur qt1^d

tnq 'rorl qli^A tsnl tou a:ua:

alqeuosBer atrnb sr rautred srq -due Surop d11ear rou s{eLI -req'!u:

paddu qea;

eL[] ueeq 8ur.r,er1;o ere.ue

'no^ rnoHriM

,laurerdns

^^oN)

WIRED FOR LOVE he feels he hasn't resolved current and past injustices and insensitivities, nor

?

received assurance that rejection or abandonment will never again occur. Jaden's insecurity can appear bottomless, and his need for frequent contact and reassurance can appear unreasonable to his partner. But neither of these is really true. Jaden's issues probably are being maintained because both

he and Kaylee have a misperception about relationships. They have not created a couple bubble, and they don't have an agreement to put their relation-

If

Kaylee overcame her island tendencies and cheerfully made herself available to Jaden during the day, understanding that contact with him served her, as well, Jaden's need to check and recheck her availability ship first.

would subside. If Jaden cheerfully respected Kaylee's need to get off the phone quickly, her anxiety about feeling "trapped" or "set up" would diminish. This

"l

often feel as

thoLrr

anything back."

? ? ? ? ?

"l thrive on talking

to

"lf you upset me, I ha "N4y

partner tends

to

"l'm most relaxed \\h

"Love relationships ar You can never

realll

r

mutual sensitivity would ease Jaden's perception that their time apart was a precursor to abandonment, and alleviate Kaylee's perception that she must constantly babysit Jaden so he feels secure.

To bring healing to their relationship, Kaylee would have to experiment with something counterintuitive. Instead of pulling away, she would have to

A&tgesSADoRS (

move physically and emotionally forward and douse Jaden with messages such as "I'm so glad to see you" or "l missed you so much" or "Come here' you

\Whatever your style-anchor

grouch, and give your girl a big kiss." Of course, this is easier said than done,

assume, from what youlve reaJ

to maintain harmony betu'een

and most partners like Kaylee would balk at such a suggestion. Nonetheless,

tion. However,

if your partner is a wave, this is the best way to overcome childhood injuries and shift him or her quickly from feeling threatened to feeiing loved. When

ben'evolent intentions, an-ik

this happens, you benefit,

as

well.

Jaden also must do something different. He must come back to Kaylee as soon as he realizes he's been negative or hostile, and apologize.

In these ways, they can repair the breach in their relationship and stop pushing each other away.

EXERCISE: ANE YOU A WAVE?

as

I menrir,nc-' ass

the ambassadors can go u'r1cexceptions.

Anchors tend to hale the

sion that some of their amba., dors that can corral the n-ar -,-,

rhe other hand, often grar: During times of distress, islan. have an ineffectual orbitotrc: recall, is the ruler of ambass:.

Do you think you and/or your partner might be a waveP Here are some typical

cortex, ultimately, that deten-,

statements; see if they apply t0 y0ur 0r t0 y0ur partner:

son, islands and waves are nia:

V

64

"l take better care 0f others than I do of myself."

wild or otherwise fail to ro. r:-

s9

'auri eqt aot ot IlBj asr^\raqlo ro pl]^\ te8 sropesseqrue rlarlt JI rc.{r ot EuroE Jo >lsrr l€ aroru ere seAE^\ pue spu€lsr 'uos -Eer srqt JoC 'Je,^A ot oB e,u tou ro rorlteq.r seururletap terlt '^leleturlin 'xa1ss3 IB]UOUO]Iq]O INO S.1I

'EIII€

SO^I]IUITTd PUC SJOPESSBqUIB JO JAINJ

EqI

ST

ro-pli^\

lucrd^l ouOs OJu

,,']los,'iul

10

:JOUUPTl QJOH

de\P\\

P

.11CCET

III^\ no^ 'xet.rof, letuo.rJotrgJo eql 'xellor leluogotlglo lentJelJeut uB e^€q qtoq :uoruruoc ur Surgt auo e^Eq seAB.&\ pue spuelsr 'ssartsrp;o sarurl Suunq 'senuedsrp ropESSEqurB snorres erour qtr^d eldder8 uego 'pueq reqto eql uo 'selB.r\ pue spuEISI ',!4crnb iDerd seuo pre.Lrde,tr er{t Ierror uE3 lBr{t srop -Essequre rerllo ssessod srorlJue oB sropBSSBqurE rrer{t auros }Eqt uors 'pll.n Jo -Blco ore-r eqt uo 'sloPBssequlB er{l e^eq ot sJoqruv tsottl Pelu€lEq Puat 'suorldacxe

ur-pxe^\

zlnYAvn dols pue drqsuonela; Jror{r u:

:

se aa1[e11 o] TrEq aulor rsnr.u

'r

'aa8o1ode pue

seunfur pooqplrqc ouro3]3,.,tr

:enJl s(ll 'serun l€ snorxouqo alrnb eg uec sJopessequre 'suorluelur luolonaueq pue serlrlenb poo8 rierlr elrdsep 'Z ralderlc ur pauortueur 1 se 're.Lano11 'uorl

ueql6, 'peno1 8ur1ee; or p::::1:

ou 'sn;o IIB

ureld lsnf .io ddurr,rt

oB

uec sropesseque erll

-dtunsse poo8 e sr srgt 'tred tsotu eqt rog 'no[ uae.r\]eg .{uouueq uretureur ol sJopess€que rno,{ uo lunoJ UBJ nod leql 'JBJ os pear a,r,,no[ leq,n ruor; 'erunsse detu reulred rnod pue n6d-3,1s^d ro 'puelsr 'roqcue-eil,ls rnol, re.taleylN

(IfIAA :INOD S)IOCYSSYflWY

--

'ssa1aglauo51 'uortsa8Fns r u::, 'euop u€ql pl€s Jersco sr srL.. ': nol, ouloC,, lo (,qfnui ta 'araq uapei::-'

qrns se8essatu qltm

ot e^Eq

p[no,,$ eqs 'Ae rre :

::"

-

:::'

tuetur.redxe ot e^Eq plnLr.\,,

tsnur JLIs teqr uortdar.taj ,.;.:' e sem lrede aurrl Jrer{l rEu- -*-

srrll'qsrururlp plnor\ ,.Jn ::; Fu,s nuqxa

p

uu au nu rod'dl'J;i

:LlTl'li fril J;ffi f

ilT

,,'spu0rJJ ,{Lu punoru r.u,l uor..lM poxulal ls0rx

euoqd eqr lJo te8 or paau s.::t

A

ru,l,, A

i

,,'paJ0lu0c-Jlos puu Llsrllos JOrltBJ oq 0l spuat JOUIJBd

^n,, ,,'uMop rulr?c 0t J0pJ0 ut IlEt 0l onell I ,,'sJOLlto UllM

'0u tasdn n0^ Jl,,

FultcB;elut puu 0t Fulllul u0 o^tJLll "'rl3uQ

A

1,, A

Fult.{t,{uB

lou puu 'FulnrF pup Fur^lF ru,l qFnoLlt sE loal uollo 1,, A

FuttteF

usNrf vd uno,\

'

drlllqeilu.te ral{ {ceqrar r.u: rr ql]^\ llEluoc legl Sutpuel.::: eperu d11n;reeqJ puE sarri?:' -uollBleJ leql lnd ol ]uel'*;;:.= -erf lou e,leq ,(aq1 'sdrqi:. '=

qloq esnEleq PeulBlulELu Jo Jer{treu

i''j::

tng 'reutred srq :-

-uoc luanbarJ JoJ peou srq ::: 'rncco ule8e Jaleu IIr-\\ -.--i:-

Jou'sJlllnllrsuesur pue selr:::.

^^oN)

WIRED FOR LOVE

THI WILD ISLAND

irrational, and angr1,. UnJel rejecting, and inflexible.

Islands tend to have both heightened primitives and wild ambassadors.

If

During conflict,

"l

a l\'a\-e

'!:

your partner is an island, he or she may rely too much on talking to work out

ent and future.

This often is a consequence of not being able to connect readily on a nonverbal level. Of course, this imbalance is natural for an island and generally may not lead to complaints in settings other than romantic relationships.

common wave statement. Il by primitives and can bec..cr,

issues.

\7hen the relationship becomes distressed, a left brain gone wild can get your partner into hot water if he or she comes across as overly logical, rational,

can't mt'r'a

through connecting, nou.. l:. emotional connection as ',,.e: but it acts like a primitive.

arrogant, unemotional, or unexpressive, or as insufficiently empathic. Under

To avoid the explo.ir'.:..

stress, an island can be overly terse, dismissive, and inflexible, or too silent or

nonverbally to your parrnc:. -' your partner through nonI,'.: vide a calm presence. \\'i.ur '

too still.

During conflict, an island will tend focus on the future and avoid the present and past. "The past is past. lil/hy can't we just move forward?" is a common island approach. In all-out war, an island's left brain gets hijacked by primitives and can become threatening by communicating attack or retreat. Rendered useless to social or creative causes, it uses words (or the withholding

of words) as weapons. It still sounds like an ambassador, but primitive: its only interest is survival.

it

acts like a

Two left brains at war can get ugly. To avoid this, ideally you can ride to

the rescue and get through with verbal friendliness. Provided your own left brain has not gone wiid, talk your partner down. Be reassuring, calming, and rational ("I understand what you're saying and it makes sense" or "You're right about that" or "You make a good point").

A wild island often has little

sense of what he or she is feeling and is poor

at communicating feelings or picking up the feelings of his or her partner. The

THtRo Gutotx< The third principle of rh:. ds anchors, islands,

o?-

li

b

-

ri i j

wirh each others' relati, 'r-.:. \We get to knovn'our il:il agers of our partners

in the'r.

who are experts on one :.n, influence, soorhe. anJ ir..:r:= experts on one another

t.r.:

.

partner of an island may also have trouble doing these things, regardless of

They don't enjoy a couple'r:i wou[d change, lisren rt, rr.;.1-

whether that person is an island too.

believe they coupled u'ith r:-;

THI WILD WAVE

really knowing what is n.rrhr--

reate the insensitivitr, ir.',r,:

If your partner is

a wave, he or she may insist too much on verbal assur-

with an island, who is less prone to seek or even care about such assurances.'S7ith a right brain gone wild, your partner may appear overly preoccupied with these assurances, and appear overly expressive, dramatic, emotional, tangential, ances of love and security. This is the reverse of what we see

66

For many people, cLosen.-:

and a threat to safeq'anl ..: what you want and need fr-': might happen? This quanj;-r, by a bee. The degree ro

getting stung,

uhr;:

in intimate

:

L9 (8unls 8uule8 IaaJ e.^A i{rn{,r ot eerSap arll sr sdrrisuoll€ler elBulllul uI Surpro,Le allqm '.{auog atp re8 ot lJo.&,r tsnul e,^d. qql{.t\ ot ear8ap eq1 'aeq e ,{q Sunls Suraq lnoqtr,r\ dauoq Suueets ot r€llulls sr lrepuenb srgl 2ueddetl rq8nu ree; noL legnr Sutpto.r.e epqm 'drgsuolteloJ € ruog Peou Pue tue.u noL leq.Lr te8 noL op .4Aoq 'uoEsanb eqt sesIBJ strlf 'Ltuncas pue Lleyes ol tBerl{t e Pue []lrnres pue lra;es;o esrruord eq] qroq s8uuq ssauesolc 'aldoed dueur rog ,," " JJ, I{ceer rleqt ulqtl.^d sI teryd 8ut.,rtou1 {per ^luo l]IrncasuJ rleql puB 'eJllsnfur ',(lr,ulrsuasul aLIl alEeJ ra,tau 'pooqplFll Jo tlpeg 'uosrad Suorm aql qtl^d paldnoc Legr e.tetlaq

'lerlue8uel'leuonotue'tr]:r-L.-. eserlt gtr,^A perdn::o:.rJ r1:... tqBu B qtUN 'sef,ueJnsse -qr:-.: 'puelsr ue -JnssB

qlrl\

ees a.\\ lEi-1.!", --

IBgJeA uO LlJnLu LrOl ral> '

-car l,leraru s;autred eseqr

lq8u al,no lo

lou aJ€ oq,tr. s,raul.red 'lseJluoc uI 'ral{loue euo aldsur pue 'eqtoos 'ecuanl;ut 'ale,ttlout 'l31gs 'a.toru ol A\oq A\ou{ Pue Jaq}oue euo uo sl:adxe ale oq,tr

rood sr pue Surtae; sr arl! l-- :---

Llaterunln pue 'op [eql [e,tr aqr sBurqr op ro 'uag] ol uetsll 'e8ueqc p1no.'rt reqto aqt qslrd, ot pue] osl€ srautred asaql 'alqqnq aldnoc e Lofue r,uop daql 'ltuncasur pue ]€erqt Jo esues len]nur € el€erf, ot Puet rerllouB euo uo slredxa

sreulred ueeur

1

'sra8eueur tueleduroc ,(g de.u tsaq aqt ur sreutred rno 3o sre8e

-ueur sE tualodtuoc euof,eq ot lopJo

u1 {1n; reutred rno A\ouT ol le8 arN

'seldls drqsuortEler (sroqto qJEe L[]I^\ no 'saoDnn .Lo 'sPuDlst'sr"o\)1tz sD

ssaypre8ar 's8urqt eslur .- :.. aqa 'raulred req lo slrl lr- s:::r':

;o

,,

!,estlas Sr1:;--'. ..

pue '8utru1ec '3ur:nssr::

:g '*

Uel u,ro rnol pepr-ro:d ss:*.ot apu uec noi.(11eapls:u- :.

J€rlrureJ auroreq plnogs raulred rnol, pue [:11toru1t4

D\iouD auo oi

aryIar" s"Lauir.pd

]€qt sI looq slq];o eldrcuud Prlql eql

lfdrfNrtd DNIaInD (I)IIHI

E elll sllB tr tnq ':optss''::.:-. Sutploqgrtrn oql ro) =::'teeJlal Jo {oeIB Suncrr::,'-;: ,(q palcehq sto8 urErq lr.l i.: ..: l:n. : ernlnl aur u : sFr. r!

E sI ,,;PlE,t\loJ J.\otu

'Surqloos pue Suunsseer aq '>1eads op noL ueqlN 'ecueserd ruleo e opl^ urrl qcnoJ'sseuripuolg Ieqre^uou qBnorgr reutred rnoL

aql Pro^e

PUE

-ord lLirue8 req ro

urJesrp 'p1l,r,r euo8 tou sstl urerg rg8u u.tro rnod;1 'raulred Jno^ ot Llleqre.tuou

dlt

're.tr t€ surerq rg31r o,tq Jo sseua^Isoldxe eqr plo^e oI 'e,r.rtrulrd B a{rl stce tl tnq

Jo tuelrs oot Jo 'alqrxauu: :--..:

'leuorler '1ecr3o1 '!ro.ro s'-: .: rnoL la8 uel PII^\ euoF ur't::. r,'sdrqsuoueler JrluErlrol uErr r: -reua8 pue puc]sr uB lo] Irrr:-! al.l: ::'

'ropesseqwe uE o)II spunos lllls lI 'uIBBV 'suodee,^A se uollJeuuoJ ]Euoltoure pue lecrsf,r1d sesn rotJeuuoJ eqt 'uortentrs sry] uI izltou 'Surtcauuoc tlSnorql uounloseJ e Surnsrnd ,!pe88op [q Surua]eerqt atuoJeg uer puB se.utruud dq

repun'crgtedue .{1tuar:''::r :-:

tno Surqcee;

papetrq ste8 urerq tq8u s,e,te,u eqt 'rea,t tnolle uI 'tueruatets eAB.{\ uouluror e sr ,,peuadderl lerl.{\ eAIoseJ e.r\ Irlun pJB,t\JoJ anour l(ueJ L, 'eJnlnJ pu€ lue -sa.rd aql plo^B pue rsed eqr uo sncoJ ot puat ]ll^a e^e^\ B 'tf,rl;uoc Sutrnq

s

e uo l,ppeer tf,auuof, 01

tno >lro.u ot 3ur11et uo qrn'-u JI 'sropBsseqruE Plr,r\ puE s:.1.1r:-.

'elgrxogur pue'8uucefer 'Surqsrund '8ur.u8ro;un eq uEf, ale,,rt e 'ssarls repun 'Lr8ue pue 'leuoller.Il

f lNrxvd uno,\ MoN)

WIRED FoR LOVE fundamentally insecure. But here's the rub: if we feei insecure about close relationships, there is no way to become more secure without being in one. No book or audiotape, workshop, or religion can alter our sense of relation-

other safe and secure.

ship security. In other words, as far as relationships go, we are hurt by people

long

tending to your parrr guiding principle:

and yet we can be healed only by people.

And that's good news. It is entirely possible to become an anchor

by

spending time in a close, dependent, secure relationship with another person. That person can be a therapist, or it can be a primary romantic partner who is an anchor or close to becoming one. Though the purpose of this book is not

specifically to convert you or your partner into anchors, its principles will guide you toward a more secure relationship. Spend enough time in a secure relationship, and you'll become an anchorl Here are some supporting principles to guide you:

style best describes you? As I mentioned before, please resist the tempas

ammunition against one another. Like

any powerful tool, it can inflict damage if

used improperly' So use

it

with compassion in your relationship. 2. Be unapologetically you. Our task in committed relationships

is not to

change or become a different person. Quite the contrary: our task is to be unapoiogetically ourselves. Home is not a place to feel chroni' cally ashamed or to pretend we are someone we're not. Rather, we can be ourselves while retaining our sense of responsibility to others and

to ourselves. And just

as we are unapologetically ourselves, we must

encourage our partner to be unapologetically himself or herseli In this way, we offer each other unconditional acceptance.

Of course, being unapologetically ourselves doesn't mean we

are

reckless or uncaring about how we treat others, or that we can use this

to be our worst selves. For example, if your partner is unfaithful or otherwise hurtful to you, he or she can't simply say, "Tough. This is who am. Just accept it." No. This is a time when apology is definitely in order. In fact, whenever your partner voices hurt, as an excuse

you need to focus less on being unapologetically yourself and more on

68

\,

you also keep r

Don't try to change

r',

and also that we ner-er

tance is so importan' behaviors, and even

o,

wiring that takes plac

from cradle to grave. C

enal ways through c..:

transform all but the injuries. But this

1. Discover your partner. Using the examples presented in this chapter, find out what you may not yet know about your partner. !?hat rela' tionship style best describes your partner? And whiie you're at it, what

tation to use this typology

3.

as

creir

shr-.u.

one changes fron-r iu: under conditions ,rf rt

ment.

I guarantee rh.

high regard, respecr.

l

aliy grow more secura.

69

uo elour pue;1as:no.i r11::.--.-

'lrnq sacto,t reulred lno-,. .l:,,: lode ueg.tt eurrt

E sr

sn{I .;

'Les Lldturs l(uBJ eqs

la :'-'

sr reutred rnol ;] 'e1dru::..: slql osn uBc eA\ l€qt lo '.::'_ S;..':!:'t:':r--;:.

_

eJB aA\ UEaIII ].USOOF

srrll ul .ilrsrorl roJI:.r'r:'-

.

lsnlu e,r 'senles.tno \:-: .' -:-: pue sJJr,l]o ot,{tr1r.1...- :;.-

.

.

uec a,r\ 'ragleg 'Jou a:.:.r- : - . ; or ereiJ

-ruoqJ

1ee;

sI IsBl rno :d.rertuo: :u- :: -' ol lou sI sdrqsuonel:: f :-- .-* . -

'eJnlas eJoru ,t\oJ8 ^llB -nper8 euo^ue l]l,r pue luoddns 'uorto.tap '1oedse; 'pre8ar q8rg ^to;es 'acuetdecce q8norqt [1ug 'ueddeq ]ou teqt aetuelen8 1 'luau IIr^\ -uopueqe Jo teelqt ro 'le.r.orddeslp 'ssarnp 'reel ;o suortrpuoJ rapun

a:n:as Llleluouepun; ot ornJesur urog seEueqc euo {letuoruepun; tou plnoqs sqt tnfl .sarrnfui

.g

osle noL se Euol

'ar?xras

alns

-

-::

- .'

-

: -: -

's::,i-:-.

]ou sr Iooq srqrlo as,-:.- - . oq,u :euUed

-

luuPrual .-: .- -

.

'uosred rall]oue qI.\\ ;:;s * -. dg roqcue uE aruotaq t- ; aldoed

tarpo

, t_

-

eJnf,es € ur euIu q;nc--.:

-uouegd ur 8uur.n srqt e8ueqr uec o,r\ 'as,rnoc;g 'e.Ler8 o1 alpelJ ruog

dee>1

rnol

:

tI esn oS dpedo:d,-u: ::,j- .aII-I 'JerllouE euo Li*::-:: -dural egl lsrsa: asee.: ::

l€til\(lr le alno-i alr---.,1,,:'--; : leqa\ ':eut:r; i- . -' -BIel

':atdeqr stql ut f :tr:i'i

o51 'drqsuonela.r s,eldnoc e yo leo8 eL[] eq

Pue sr€eJ peroqueual rno Jo stuBuruer tsB] 0r1t lnq Ii€ urroJsu€rl sa8ueqc eseqt erurtourog 'sdrqsuouElel olrtJerloc q8norqr sLe.n leua

lpart seldrcur-rd str

sn L[]r.{\ sLels secueuedxe lserpea rno Suunp eceld salel terlt Suur^\ ,sror.teqaq

1eluaruepulu etll 'renamo11 'eurrt relo sur€Jq Jno uele pue rno 'sepn1t11e rno a8ueqr op pue uer alN 'tueuodrur os sr ef,uel -deoce dq.u s1 srqt puv 'enn orE tllog 'a8ueqJ raleu e.& teqt osle puE 'a8ueqc I]E a,r lerlt des plnoc notr .rautred ;noL e8ueqc ol dl t,uoq 'aJes

rautred;noL

se;1esrno.{,llecrraSolodeun eg ot sr etepueul

puo

.{q rrnq er€ a.!\ 'o.' ;:.'-. lor-: ::, :

"uollBlel Jo esuas Jno

ltna (aa4 01 sau1r"p4 snxollz alqqnq a14noc o Sutlnan :aldrcuud Surprn8 tsrrJ arlt requrauag 'sureluor puB spaau s,lautred ;nod o1 Surpual

el.,::!

'euo ur Sureq lnoqtr,\\

:

aso]c lnogB alncesur leel :.r. -.

urNruYd uno^ MoN)

C

Becoming

Another: F Soothe

en

I

see partne

one standout tia manage one ano:

children. Both partners seem manual for their relationshrp . tional details that no one ours

For instance, these parrnt

other's buttons. When the ,rri Not only that, they knos'hcr,.r words to say, or deeds to per

excite, soothe, or heal each . partners possess strong orbil.

brains; well.developed smarr ', control; and honed commun:; distance.

How did they get to be ... of a perfect partner chromosc, secret superpower that a1lou

s

\7ell, maybe. As I said earlie:. others, with lots of positive int in and curious about us. \\'e a

l(uoP lEr,[] se^rlrurrrd r{tr.{\ alqet eqt ot euroc IIE elN 'sn tnoq€ snorJnr pue ur suortr€ralur a^rtrsod Jo stol qtr, d. (sJeqto Pelsalelur ere.\\

orl.^d

sllnPe

eJ€s ritr,l1a

plp ueql ejll ul uBts releq B to8 sn Jo auros (rerlrEe ples I sv 'eq^€tu 'llelN l^lleuortouta reutJ€d rraqt eBBuEru ot uraqt s,r\olie teqt raaodredns terces oq 'ou 'aur tsn{ leuosourorrlJ reutred rce;rad e;o

Jo pulT euros eABq ,(eqr

uorssessod ur sduqrad eldoed qcns eJV 2rdape os eq o1 le8

leqr prp zno11 .af,uElsrP

r€J E tE Je.^d. pue esolr a^ol deal reqr sllJ>ls uou€lrunururoc pauoq pue llorruor IBJo^ pue rltearq pereln8e;11a.u lsruelsAs 1e8e,t treurs pedo1a.tap11a,tr lsurerg

rg8rr pue Tel paru€leqqle.tr lsacrtroJ letuorJotrqro Suons ssessod sraut.red asaql 'e.ulcadsred acuarcsornau € uroJC 'Jer{lo qf,Ea l€eq Jo 'eq}oos 'eJrcxe 'e,Lar1el 'ete.te1e

ot

ra.,nod

erlt e^Brl terlt 'uloJlad or speep ro

'des

ot

spJo^\

,uou1 Leqr 'regl .\uo lo51 rq8rr eqr .,rrou4 Aaql 'uonentrs aqr dperuar ot ^\oq 'dg,u esues dlalerparurur Leqr 'peq 3ur1ea,1 sr reqto arll uerllN 'suolng s(Jerlto aqr gsnd ot re.trod tsoru aqt seq leq^\ s.reuuBd esaqr 'e:uelsur rog ',!\ou1 ot Lle1q

^\oul

s1

elqqnq eqt Jo eprstno euo ou teqt siletep leuorl

-eredo qtl^\ rerirueJ sr qreg 'raqto qreo roJ pue dlqsuoneler rrar{t s(reu,r\o eqt parpnts d11n;a;ec pue pBar e^Eq

JoJ

IEnueuI

ot urees sJeutJBd qlog 'uerplplo

A

' ;: :' liil.T; fi ili :l'^lil : il,f i I i:I::; ffi"""T::: A

'elqqnq eldnor peurelureu ,r11n;ssa:rns e ur s:aulled

"",

1

uaq_,[

V L

rauuBd rno^ eqtoos PUE esBald ot /KoH :rorltouv euo uo suedxg Surulof,eg 7

){rJdvHf

Bi

WIRED FOR LOVE want us to be harmed, and ambassadors that at times can be annoying. Truth is, we can be, all of us, pains in the rear. When we recite our relationship vows, perhaps we should say, "l take you as my pain in the rear, with all your

I

take responsibility for all prior injustices you endured at the hands of those I never knew, because you now are in my care." Hmm. How many people would be willing to say those vows? And yet' in my practice and research, that is exactly what I see couples in secure relation-

history and baggage, and

lack of order currently upsers

who are careless, messv, ani ir How many such issue. i . the tens? Or even morel Parri, a vast storehouse

ofpersonai r.

rience as a clinician, hor.'eler. issues down to their essence.

1

ships doing. It is a conscious choice they make. They agree to take each other

tify only three or four s'irh rhe

on "as is," and take responsibility for one another's care. As experts who understand their partner, they do what's necessary to relieve the other's distress or to amplify his or her elation. To many partners who find themselves at the mercy of each other's moods, this kind of expertise may indeed seem

are disturbed by the same ri-r:;

like a secret superpower they'd do almost anything to obtain. The role of primary partner is a big one: it entails taking good care of another human pain in the rear. And the only way for this to work is for it to be fully mutual. Both partners need to become experts on one another.

With

this kind of arrangement, nobody reaily loses and everybody truly wins. You can think of it as a kind of pay-to-play version of romance, and it is, make no mistake, an investment in your future,

Table 4.1 lists sonre . : : islands and waves. Note r:^:--mean they're invulnerat'le.

ii

anchor; however, on a daiL.,'i:.

abilities are less pronoun.er.

TABLE

4.1

CT

Vulnerabil

THE THRET OR FOUR THINGS THAT MRrFO^A

'MOU Osotll ln0q€ lLllLll lltlP r 0l J0M0d 0rl1 o^uLl lpLl] 0i

o^OrloJ

Ol uraes

\

iNl

c(1l-

r,uplp teqr rng 'elltelrerdde aroru eq plno^a egs 'ueryo erou ruaql paleedar pue sluerutldtuoJ slq ol puodsar lsnf eq pern8r; aH 'selu€^Pe lelsArid JI ot pall€J uouo eqs [t1.,rr parepuo.4A eq ]a '$ eq lal{ o} pelcell}E Pue sI aqs

rJrldn NV

^\oq

Inj]tnBeg

.^,roq d33a4 plol uorus 'uoUeJB,n ueedornE ]Iaql lnoq8norql 'rull a^Bal pm,{33e4 t€qt se}Edlrllue Lllenutl

llaql

eq

tlnrrJ;rp srq altdseq 'rua8yllerur;1estuq PerePlsuoc sLearrle seq'pueq rel{}o eql uo 'uorurg 'tuepnls a8ere,re uB sE JIesJeq pe^\el^ eqs 'e8e11oc paialdtuoc ,{3344

'eq reqtEr

eer8ep E pauree pue a8elloc q8norqr JIeswIq tnd ol pe8eueru eq 'Sut8uuqdn

uec esle auo ou l€rll JeqlouE :

,uoJ eq pue 'patue.u {nri l1a; Jelau aH '8uraq uetunq € sE ellq^4dtllro^\ ^\ou pue elqe^ol sI aq teqt 're.na,lo.oq 'e^alleq ].useoP e1-1 'Sutreaur8ua lecnuagc ut

qBnoqliy'lool{Js eper8 ut

Jaq Petellrtunq Jerlf,Bel

E oJuls la,ta 're.raanog 'ecua8

-lllatul Jag peuollsenb seg eqs 'ecu€readde reg lnoqe poo8 lle; s[e.tt1e s,eqs tnoqe sa8essaru e.ttlrsod Pe^IeJer d33e4 'p1tqc e sy 'poo8 reqto qf,Ea Sutleru

pue 'ssaulne;d

.rer1

1aa3

tE reDeq qtnut tou er,,{eql '}no sulnl l1 se J1arl 2selllllqerauln,t e,Lrlcedse.l

leqt

Surtpuer{

t€

ere an13

sE

p.e,^A

ol luE,{\

o1X\

uoncerlte

-lLr F-

PiJo^\ allt ur ar':

'oJaql aq ol

a1f.-,

plnoqs 016'alqqnq aldno: e:o

rautred e Surdeal roJ ]n;asn ar, ueuo rEeJ 'Alareunuolun r:rl::: uoncEJIE Jo pur>l eqt uEoru

Il

lou ur.I'uorlrerlle'[i]uet:o Jri:r ered ro; eceld e sr elqqnq a1Jn,

eJe.{\ uoruls pue L33a4 e^ItraJ;aul .^AoI{ raquleua1

Hfrl

s,utNrxYd uno^ DNIHDTVUf,S

s8urql esoqt Jo uonrerrp aqr u ur dunf o] ueq.\\ s^\ou{ puE le

UEHIONV lNO NO SrUrdXl DNIWO)19

Btt

WIRED FOR LOVE self-esteem pieces from childhood. As partners, each hoids the keys

other's self-esteem and self-worth. Remember, as we discussed

to the

in chapter

1,

self-esteem and self-worth are developed through our contact with other peo'

ple. You misunderstand

if you think

these goods are provided by the self.

They're not; theyte provided by the other. That's how it works and that's how

it has always worked, starting from infancy. Now I'd like you to meet another couple. Paul and Barbara have become very social since their last child left the neEt two years ago. They like going out with friends and enjoy participating in

community and philanthropic activities. Barbara was abandoned by her father when she was four; her mother, who raised her and her older sister alone, passed away last year. Barbara is still sad about the loss of her mother and of her children, who are all away at school. Paul was the oldest of five

to ask Barbara, "'What's wrong he guesses; after all,

it couidn't

She is predictable, as is he, so b
l ot speeu InEd '.pooqpll{c tuo4 senssr lcalSau sII{ Jo esnef,eg 'aurlt tlf,Ee qclr rq8u eqt serlJteJJs all '.lleuotloure lei{ elour

ot alqe sr er{ tetlt se^ol oH 'tuesa;d el{t ut sPaeu lsoru aqs req.t\ JaI{ a.r.t8 osle tnq 'tsed eqt IBaq dleq l^1uo tou sapr.tord eq leql s8utqr rno; ro eerl{l asaql 'lle^^d se 'os

se Jerl lB

u,1

laq sllet pue reueld eqt uo

lool ot r{tJunlroddo u€

'dauo11,, 'rat1 spunuer

ueuro.^A dxes '1n;rlneeq

sesslul

lsoul eql sl

er-[s

p11qc

egr 'r1npe uE s€ rollaq

s.^Aou>l

aqs

sleeJ aq

'.re]srs JaPIo

peau t.usooP aH'serP erls

aq ^EP

patsrxe e^Erl senllq€Jau1n,\

3s?,.

-srsuo3 reqr s8ulll rnoJ ro aaiu ]Bq^A pue 'rnq tegt sl,eldsrp au ere daql rolaueq.{r seop er{ sE ,,'nof, >1ueq1.

,,2noL l,ueJe'laqtor:r

tnoqe Surlulq] ilIrs se.tt ErEqrE.

p3{lBt

PBr{ alqEr

lleql l€ uELu. l',

/.11ensnun sB.\\ 'tees ra8uas;e: +'

1ne4 '8uruea.a euo

.lreln8e; ine4

q8noqlly 'srlulePerB uI Pallorxa s€,^A or1.'rr

'ples aq 'tr Surssrl pue pueq r?'-

JI

le^eu oH ,,'1neq 3uo1 alp roJ noL qlt.tl lqcnl ttoq

{pareader eH 'roq qtlarr eq ot

pue lar{tour B sE JerI Jo sI aI{ pnord ,'vroq rel{ sllel [puenber; eH 'ulea]seJlas ler{ uo t3el}e ou Jo aIDII a^Eq teqt s8utqt uo lJoJJe qcnu puads r,usaop pue sacerd Surssrur s.Breqreg rnoqe a8pel,ra.ou>l sII{ Jo asn sa>leul

'ueeq a^€q esr.lAJegto tq8ru tl UEI{} tln3UJlP erout uele a8alloc or euroq ruory uarpllqo JIaI{} Jo uoltlsuert el{t aPeut seq sIqJ 'rul1 peruroddesrp peq eqs asn€f,eq 3ur.r.eay reqleJ req ro; alqrsuodser sE^\ aqs se^ellaq IIps req Jo

r:ed

BJeqlEg ']seJtuoc ut lspuaul[oq dq pepuno:rns

req uBg]

luolo lair--j:

'rurq dlaq c: solllJnJesul SIq JoAaueq.r\ -\r: r'ssrma{I1 'd1eq;o aq ol oF : -:

Je^Jueqlt\ 'reqtBJ rrq lo

:

ss.'"

req uaq.{\ ezruSocer.raq dlau

--,-

srH'pooqplrlc

perllqs a^€q plno,^d. dlduns aldnoc eql lssan8 tcalrorul s(lned uorj auloc oABLI pFo,r\ rurer{ ou 'eser t€r{l uI 'pueqsnq JeI{ rJtI^{ arei{s ol lnoq€ se.tt egs 8urt1l

'Jauu€ur luaralJlp Ltar e u.- :: JEIluJlssrP 1.-j : 'rusruEilEllloqlnE ;.:

Jaq uI sessol ,{ueru pe.u.trns a^ncEI]tB ssol se Jlesrar{ ueas sl.e,tr1e sEq eI{S seq aqs leqt IJBJ eqr errdsap '.ssol elPu€q ot elqeun sI eqs so^elleq EJEqJ€g .cidot ,treu eqt ol 'OJII

-auros sdeqred 'dep eqr uI JeIIr€e luale ue ol Pe^oru Pe{ stq8noql s,EJEqJEg l1 'tue.{orulB.[J aq ol Peeu noL BuuseSSns lou ur,I

tEqt 'ecuBtsur ,lo; 'elgrssod

s1

'eturl eql Jo tuac;ed parpunq € trerroo eq tou lyyvr sessen8 rno 'as.rnoc

yg

'erec .!1eer luop [ag] esneceq op ol tuB^d lou plno^\ srer{lo tBrl^\ sJeutJEd;no ro; oP elN is{Jnq 8rq arp p}ed er,a.n s,ter{t pue 'qo[ rno s(]€ql 'ere ,luretrar lsotu e,tr lnq '.t.r.ou>1 ot pa.rrnbar puc .{\oul tou .(eut srarl}O '^dou{ Plnoqs ezt 's.IaulJed sy ,,2ure8e ^rl.^A

tou

]o esoqt ruorJ

Sur.rnp urn{ u--

:

a^u Jo lsaPlo ei{l sE^\ lnEd -:

raqloul JeI{Jo ssol aql Jslsls JePIo JoLI Pue

l:

lnLlq_:

lJLl..:1:-

req dq peuopueq€ s€.\\ El::j ur Surtedrcrt.red Lofua puE s:'-r:--

eql uel PIql ]sEI rleqr elu:! -:

eJE

./v\oq S(]Erll PUB S>lJo^\

'noL eJe oqr16,, 3ur1s€ a>lll rlq e sr ,,;8uor.u s,l€gl6.,, 'leutred e 8ut1sy 'd1aq;o eq or

-oed roqro qlr.^\

Jaqtoue auo;o a8pe1.r,rou1 JIaI{t asn ruarl}Jo qtoq os 'eq st se 'alqercrperd

sr

aqg

11

.rLrtl !.:.

JIes ar{t Lq paprto:d ore

eg: or

'uezop E uele ro 's8urgt elqrssod peJpunq B eq t(uplnoc ]I 'lle JeU€ lsessen8 aq oS 'Jerl Suueqroq s(tBr{^d s.t\ou1 dpeerle e11 ,,28uor.,rt s(lerll6, 'BJBqr€g )sE ol

tfeluol

si

,

' '-:-

lr

'1 ralderqc uI passnrslp a.\', s:: s,{e>1 eqr sploq LI)i: ::

urHroNY lNO NO Srdrdxl DNIWODIg

WIRED FOR LOVE

BEC

Barbara makes liberal use of her knowledge about Paul's missing pieces

the most trustworthy perr

and avoids pandering to the things that don't matter that much to him. She

thy person...most of the Neither will a lazy compli

often tells him, "I trust you with my life." She never argues with him just to prove herself right, but will stand up to him when she believes doing so is

cooking." That isn't ver\'

important for both of them. She regularly tells Paul how much she believes in his ability to do the right thing, and to fix lt if he discovers otherwise. Barbara

your partner already kno lf your pafiner doesn'l re

knows what Paul needs to shore up his self-esteem and self-worth, and she

about what affects him or

does it without hesitation because it benefits her, as well.

Barbara and Paul maintain a loving couple bubble. As experts on one

3.

can see excitement in thr

another, they can detect when the other has an itch, and they know exactly

how to scratch

it to provide relief. Often it

takes just a smile or a look or

for an instant. Your

a

one that exists outside their bubble.

partr

vocal tone may become

grasp of the hand to calm each other's primitives and communicate the sup-

port that is needed. They get their needs met in ways that would not be possible if each were alone; they do this for each other because they can and because it makes them more attractive-and even indispensible-to one another. Nor does anyone outside their bubbie do what they do for one another, and as such, their world is a safer, more protective world than the

finalll. sa1 or do sometlri

4.

h

ln each case (whether rc complimenting him or her game together, don't ask

expeil to find this oul. A| worked, either. Look for tl

this process, you build rc

You will both receive bent

EXTRCTSE:

THI

EMOTE ME GAME

The two of you can play

tf

Experiment with different positir You can play this game with your partner, each taking turns t0 "emote" lhe Other.

0r

partner laugh, or anything else

yOu can practice it with0ut telling yOur partner what you're dOing.

Either way, you stand to learn a lot about your relationship.

1. Say or do something to make your partner smile brightly.

Drawing; upon

your knowledge of your partner, try t0 anticipate what will bring a smile t0 his 0r her face, then watch and see if it works. For example, you might give your partner a back rub 0r relate a special shared memory.

2.

Now say something complimentary about your pafiner that will profoundly move him 0r her. You will know you have succeeded if you bring tears t0

FOU TH GUIDIN

The fourth principle in this bool know how to please and sootlrc e. your partner's primary vulnera

your partner's eyes. I don't mean tears of sadness, but the moistness thal

effective for each. Table 4.2

comes when we feel deeply touched. Brief, declarative statements are

islands and waves we have seen

mOst likely to succeed. Long, drawn-Out statements will fail. Avoid adding

ing your partner minimize the,

qualifications. For example, your partner may be moved if you say, "You're

haven't included anchors becau antidotes.

82

sLrn-.

€8 'seloplluB Jo peeu ur ssel pu€ ernces eq ot puet Aegl esneceq sroqf,ue papnlrur t(uoleq 1

'ure8y 'ecuereadde u€ o1eru leqr uaqm esaq] ezrurrurur raulred lnoL

Bur

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arE

teqt setoprtue aql

8ura,rou4 pue sertrlrqBJeulnl Lreurud s,raulred rnoL

iJtr^\ reilrrueJ Sururoraq suealu

la\iouv

auo uo s1n(xa alD o\ftn

srql

,aqio \)Da a\ioos puD asDalI

stauln{wyt

sr >looq

01

lxo\ tr,ou\

srqt ul aldrcuud qtrnoJ

orlJ

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oJ,no1,, ',{us no,{ Jr po^oru aq ,{eu

Futppu plo^V 'lluJ llrM slualualpls

oJe sluOurOluls a^rluJelcop Jat.tB lr?rll ss0ulst0uJ 0tll lnq 'ssOupps ol sJuol FuUq no,{ Jt popaoclns ,4lpuno1ord

1

a

lllA luql JeuUed trror i

',{toueu

poJuLls ;ulrads

trlfiru no,{'e;duuxa Jol 's)jJo\\

it

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uodn fiur,r,rut6 '{ttLtFUq 0ltus

.taLi

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'l! olll

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olll

'Jor..l

u Fulpurl eJ,nOI

'purop ar,no,{ luq,u teuuud lno oql ,,aloua,, ol suJnl Fu!>lut Lltp

eqt uerll plro.&\ o^rtJato:d e:oru

euo roj op leqr ]€q^\ op alqc

st?

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rwYD rw 1r

nOA

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plp J0 prES n0^ lBqM Jr Jouupd tno,{ 1su 1,u0p puv '1n0 srrll pulJ 01 lJodxo q0[ Jn0,{ s,]l 'IJ0M llrM luLlM Jauuud JnO^ ISU 1,u0p loqloF0l ouEF

aql

slql Ful^Eld oJE n0^ Jl '(Jorl .ro urq fiurlrcxe J0

'alrus JaulJud JnO^ oleu ol

JOLI

auo ot-elqrsuadsrpur ua.\a F pue uer daql asnereg rar{to rll

ro urq pulluautlduOc esuc Llcllo ul ,v

JOLltOLl,u)

-sod eq tou plno,tt teqt s'{e.t ui -dns aql eleorunururof, pue sa-\r-

'Japn0l puB Llclld ul JOLlFlq ou0Jaq ,{uur ouol ;uco,n J0 srLl pup 'JOppoJ euiocaq ,{uru ocul s,Joupud JnoA 'luplsut uu JoJ

E

lo lool

e

lo

JJruIs e rsni s:1r.

dllcexa ,ra.ou1 Leqt pue 'qrtr u:

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auo uo st:edxa sV 'elqqnq

'lla.r

sE

:lr 'lou

BrBqJ€g'esr,^Araqlo sre^of,srF arl

u0rlutuJoJUr su lELll a1u1 'lueLul;du0D e 0l puodsal l,usaop leultud tno,{ 1; s,4unn;e l,uop puv 'smoul ,{peorlu ;aulrud ;no,{

erls pue 'qlrom.jles pue ule3tse

'osla FulLlloruos ,fu1 puu Jaq J0 urrl slcolJu lEqM tnoqp 'slprsoJ olulpauul lcodxa

1urq1 noA luLlnn Furtuade; lsnl oJ,no^ Jt Furnou ,{;en t,usr

ur se^erlaq ells qJntu ^\oq InEd sr os Surop sa^ar]eg eqs ueq.!\

luLll ,,'Fullooc

s

serard Surssrur s(ined lnoge eEp

^q] lsou aLll

ol rsnl urlq r{]L4A sen8.re ra^au 3 eqs 'rulrl ot qJnu t€qt re]]Eru r

rno,{ a1r1 | Llcnu MOLI M0ul n0 ,, su qcns 'luoulldruoc ,{zEl E lltM JOLlltoN 'IDOJJO paJrsap aql ocnpoJd ot ,4lalrlun st ,,oruu aLll J0 lsoru"'uosJad -JoMtsnJl ,{ren

u

ar,no1,, Ful,{us lnq ,,'M0ul I uosJod ,{qponnlsn;1

UsHIONY lNO NO SJUldXl DNIWO)]g

l--

-.:

WIRED FOR LOVE TABLE

4.2

-

WHAT YOU CAN DO TO

HEI-P YOUR PARTNER

Vulnerability-what

Antidote-what to do or saY to

bothers your partner

your partner

Feeling intruded upon

Approach quietly, rather than calling your partner by name.

Ifyour partner is busy, say, "I need to talk with you in a couple minutes,"

Being separated fron-r r':'':

and then leave.

"Let me know when you're ready. If it's more

than

minutes,

I'11

start

and you can join in'" Feeling trapped, out of control

"I need a few minutes of your time, and then you can get back to what you're doing."

"I can

see

you've had enough. Run along

and we'll continue iater." "You ltave a couple of choices here." Fear of too much intimacy

Feeling he or she

Pay attention to the level of intimacy

with which your partner is comfortable. Ease into closeness. "Do you want me to stop?" "ls this annoying you?" Fear of being blamed

"I

so appreciate what you did' but you

Here are some suppori:n: .:..

were out of line in this case'"

your partner:

"I understand why you did what you did. Your heart was in the right place." "Look, it's not [all] your fault. And if it were, that wouldn't matter to me."

B4

1. Learn

to rapidlr. :.:-.,:

means you are c ':. . . -

partner is bothere:

your partner is b'c:h.:= two of you or bec:.-:; :

s8 roqtre

uI 'drqsuonelar oqt aplslno Sutqlauos

Jo esneJaq ro nol,3o om]

aqt uoo,{\tag Suurncco Surqlauros;o esnEceq Pereqloq st reulred rnod nod'pareqloq sI JautJ€d rar{teq^d. JaIBur t(useop r1 '{alerpeurul }} ^\oDI rnoL;1 's8u11aa; pue pooru Jari ro slq ot tJele Lllenuuuoc e;e no,( suEeur

rautred rnol uo ]radxa ue Sutag 'a8eruep leder Llprder o] ulE?'I 'I

rt

(('elu

I

ol -Iell€ru l(uPInoA\ t€L

puv

'l1ne3

rnod

[11e]

rou

,,'ece1d rq8p aqr ur se.r tl€ 'pIP no^ rcq^,lPIP noL driu. pue

:rautred ;noL Surseald pue Surqroos ur nod epln8

(.'ase3 srr{l

ot seldrcutrd Sutltoddns ewos eJ€ ereH

ur aurl ,Io t

noL lnq 'plp nod t€r{nd etcir ,,;noL Bur-iou

,,'Surdlec [o[ue

oP

sle.r,r1e

II(I uepJng euo eJB no

.('Jerllo rlJBe Jo aJBc eIEl o] lErll a^ol

ol req,r f,lllexe

^\ouI

e.^A

,,1nod

uBql eru ol uePJnq

€

,,2dols ,,

reulred rno.{ i{lr-

[ceur]ui;o

laAaj a{1 or utri

.i'areq sacroqc;o aldno:

ueprnq e sr er{s ro eg Sutlaag

(.'JelBI

3uo1e

enurluot

ung 'q8noua

e 1l

pEL[ eA,nr]

i

1,,

eur IIEO,,

er,noL leqm ot

{leq

ta8

ue:

r,

pu€ 'eurrl rnotr;o selnurru -\\:

I 'tq8luot reqleSol

Suoi

tu,1,,

oot JoJ auop Suraq troJtuorslq uE

uEls Ii,I 'satnunu

s,rr;1 '{peer el no,( ueq.u -tcu

-

se

I

ol oul lur-.

'sseuesolJ olui asEE 'elqEsr

L,

ol rue 1

Jo erotu ou eJ(nol,

.('el€l s.ll JI ua^e 'puEI e^\ sB uoos se noA 11ec 11,1 asruto.rd

,,'{let ot peau nol;]

,,'dep rno'( lnoqe

rBoq ot tr€^A l(uEJ

reuurp rno ot ple^Aro;3ur4oo1

,,'nod tnoqe 3ur1u1ql tu,1,, stsa8Fns tBrlt tueruuoc dqrrd [ue ro ,,8u1]aatu

peg 'q8n,, ro ,,no,{ 8urno1,, ;e ,.1y,, tsnf 'eteroqele 8urqto51'SurBesseru qcns 'LSolouqrat Jo asn a{EI{

txat

,,'selnulur aldnoc e ur no.'i u ol poeu 1,, '[es tsnq sr ]aul

nod uror; paleredas Sutag

(('rel{lel lru ale notr,, ,,'l,epol

ur aq ot tuelt\

3ur11er uBql

'erueu ,(q :aut: reqtel 'l,pernr

lleluof, esolJ

'aru ol esoll dels

asee16,,

Jau

(('ol peluB.e\

no,(;r au yo

ol

nod

t,uplnol no

p1r ra8

'erag,u.{ue Suro8 lou ru,1 'Luom

l,uoq,

Aes

ro op ol teq.\\-

Lq peuopueqe Suraq;o reeg

oI oc

U]NI] NV:)

urHroNV lNO NO SrUrdXE DNrWO)19

W}RED FOR LOVE ofan expert that you can speediiy make an educated guess about which ofhis or her three or four bad things has been case, you are enough

touched off, There is no reason to let any problems fester. Seeing your

partner in distress should be the signal to "stop the presses" before continuing on with arything. For example, if you think you caused your partner pain, you might say, "That didn't go well, did itJ" or "I'm so sorry. Did that just hurt you?" The worst thing you can do is ignore what you see on your part' ner's face or hear in your partner's voice. Let your partner know he or she can count on you to step up and say or do whatever is needed to

repair the damage.

And the same applies to you. You can rely on your partner to be there for you, to know your vulnerabilities and soothe you when you're upset. It's as though when you formed your relationship, you took out a

policy that would ensure your comfort, and now because you've kept

up with your premiums (that is, by being there for your partner), you're

able to relax and cash in whenever something seems to have gotten out of hand.

2. Prevent probiems before they arise. Knowing how to repair darnage is helpful, but it is even better to anticipate and avoid difficulties. Of coLrrse, it won't be possible to avert all challenges. Life doesn't work that way. But as experts, there is a lot you and your partner can do to please and keep each other happy. Rather than waitlng until you see trouble brewing, be proactive with your partner. Make a habit of saying and doing the things that make him or her feel good. Don't assume your partner aiready knows how much you love him or her; don't fig-

ure you've already adequately expressed everything you appreciate about your partner. Find new and creative ways to convey the three or

four things that make your partner feel good. In this way, you make deposits you can draw on when the going gets rough.

3. You may be wondering, what if my partner and I disagree about what our three or four bad things and three or four good things are? The answer is that it doesn't really matter. It isn't actually critical that you correctly identify your own three or four things or know how to scratch

86

Bri your own itch. What. things with your parrne So, how do _vou kr:.c

really works? The pr.

'.:

will always be visible e.r. or apparent in his or he: There's no need ro gei ir..

three or four things are (bad ;r as a "secret" superpower. :in:: these good and bad thine. : turns out you're not seeing rh.

scratching the right itch. In rl

board and learn more abour r :.

tion, oftrial and error, you can

L8

r.[J]Errs ol

,4d.oq

^\oul

ro s8urqt r

a

aqJ lere s8ulqt poo8 rnoJ ro

tl

lBcrlrrr L11enlce t.usr

nod ]et11

teq^d tnoqe ear8esrp I pue raut

'q8nor sto8 8ur a4eur noL te.tr srgt u1 .pooE ia ro eeJql oql ot s.{e,u a-ru ^e^uoJ alercerdde noL EurtllLreAe fO! -Brl l.uop :IJLI lo rurq e^ol n^\ rrrnsse r.uoq 'poo8 lreJ lJLl I I 'des;o llqerl e e1e7t1 'raut-red :

:

eas nod lpun Suple^\ uBql leut ol op uec reul.red rnod pue n.r...

Iro^\ t.useop a;r1 'sa8ue11eq: :r JO 'srillnr4jlp plone pue :rL:: sr a8eurep rredar ol .uoq 8ur.tc-:

uallo8

oAEr[

o]

surees Surqtaiu,-

u,no,{ '1:out.red .rno,{ lo; rrrqr :' 'lJedxe Jelleq B auloJaq ol enulluof, UBO no^ 'roue pue leul;o 'uorl .etuaruuedxe;o ssacord e q8norql 'reuuBd rnol, lnoge eJour uJeel pue preoq Suurerp eqt ot {ceq oB ot etuu s,tr 'esec tcqt uI 'gctl tr{8}r aql Surqctercs leL lou a;e nol, ale saJuerlf, 'sllnsal pensep aql Suteas lou ar,nod lno suJnl tl JI 'stlnsar er{t r{rte^\ puB lr€q trs ueqt 'aq or s8urql peq pue poo8 asaqt puetsrepun nol' 1eg.,rt ot Su]pJocre puodser l'1dtu15 're,uodradns .lerros,, E sB asrtredxa sn{t ot perreJor 1 .{qm s,req1 '(poo8 ;o peq) ere s8urqr rno; ro oerql rnol, teq,u. tnoqu Jauued rnoL qtu{ ateqap e olur ta8 ol paeu ou s.alerlJ 'poour uI rJlqs snoauetuods Jeq ro sKI ur tuoreddE

lo

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rautred rnoL ro; qrlm dn eruoc a.t,noL tBq^\Jr ,r\ou>l nod op 'BsJeA eJrA pue 'raulred rnod

aseqt op ot

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uet

nra_,.

SIfldX] DNIWO)19

CI

Launching

How to [Jr Bedti

reakfast

in bed. The

'Vake-up songs. \\'ak:

snapshots from vour ; Lullabies. Daily debriefings. Be:

the forehead. These are a1l be :: From our earliest begirrr,r:.

tion frtrm sleep lo wake, an.i morning, and land at nighr. \\', ' we form tend to stay wirh us. shifting between qsn561sLrrn.i, quences for our mental and ph

relationship.

In fact, many people-b mornings and nighttimes. Dep upon awakening. Facing a ne',', dreams, a person who is derrr

dread getting up. AnxiuLrs -r. \)7hile lying in bed. worrisnn-.=

lheir mind wirh vexing rnrer:-.. sleep can be so painfulfor.on.. pass out, and not deal rvith rt .-:

'llE t€ lI qll,{\ IeoP tou PUE 'lno ssed 'paq otur 11e; dldurs ol re;erd ,(eqr reqr aldoed eruos roJ 1n;ured os aq uec daals puE ele^\ uee,^Ateq uortrsu€rt er{J 'raltBqJ ieuJatul 8urxe,r. qtl^\ pultu leql IIrJ ot puat sarroureur pue 'se8erur 'srq8nogt euroslrro.r\ 'peq ul 8ur^l olltllN 'lqEru re snorxu€ eroru seurltatuos afe eldoed snolxuv 'dn Euura8 Pearp

pue InJrEaJ puB pate^Itoutun laal deut passerdap sI oq.^a uostad e 'surearp 8url1asdn;o eturllq8tu E laUE Llletcadsa '[ep .ttau e Surceg 'Burue4eale uodn pesserdep erour serurteuros ore eldoad pessardaq 'serurttq8ru pue s8uluJotu

qtrnt elqnon e,r.eq-sa1dnof, puB sel8urs gioq-aldoed dueru 'loe;

u1

'drqsuorteler

lno Jo r.[]lBeq eqt roJ s€ IIa^\ sB 'qtleaq lecrslqd PUB l€]ueur lno roJ secuanb -esuoJ luelJodrur seq sseusnorf,suocun pu€ ssausnolJsuoc uae,\\leq Sutr;tqs

ol peurotsnJJB ere e^d qJrq.{\ ur rauueru eql 'sn rill,tr [ers o] puet ulroJ a.^a strqeq er{} puB '{pootipiltlc Suunp slqt ur€el a1X 'rq8tu tB puBI pue 'Sururour eql ur qcunel tsnru elN 'deeis ol oIB, A tuog pue 'a{e,tt ol daels urog uoll rlnpe rno lnogSnorql s8utuurSeq lsallr€e rno ruorc -rsuBrt tsnur

e^A 'a;I1

'slEntrr auruPoq IIe aJ€ osaql 'PeeqeroJ eL[] uo sessr) 'sra.{er4 'tq8ru le peq otur pelrnt Surag 's8ur;auqap {1eq 'soIqEIIn'I

'sarrots arunpeg 'siBntrr Sururour pooqplllJ 'lno.( uror; stoqsdeus JerIrruEJ euros ale asarll sdetpad 'sessr{ dn-e>1er16 's8uos dn-e1e16 's8ururotu serutsrn{C pue .{epqrlq Jo IIIryr eqJ 'peq ur tsEJIEer

slBnllu eulllPeg PUE Sururol\ esll ol /KoH :s8urpue1 pue s8urqcunel s ulrdvH)

WIRED FOR LOVE If your partner has any of these troubles, he or she may have sought relief through medication. And for some, this is effective. However, sleeping medi-

perfect opportunity now to ha'

time...with you!

cations can be addictive or lead to other negative results: difficulty waking; depression; next-day grogginess; rebound insomnia, and even drunken, out'

of.control behavior. \Uorse yet, your partner may be tempted to seek relief through self-medicating activities and substances, such as pornography, chat rooms, online poker, late-night television, alcohol' food, marijuana, or a com' bination of the aforementioned. So why have i inciuded a chapter on morning and nighttime rituals

as

STETpTNG

AND

\A

Noah and Isabella, both in the while working hard at rheir re: riage, they used to go out tog

part of this owner's manual for your partner? Because you can and should be your partner's best antidepressant and antianxiety agent. And best of all, no

exhausted. They have enlisted

insurance reimbursement neededl

daycare duties, and have a your

As we saw in chapter 4, being an expert on your partner means you know how to please and soothe him or her whenever needed. During infancy, hope' fully this kind of soothing was provided by a primary caregiver. If your partner

children are asleep. Noah has least midnight. Isabella is the or

rearing duties and a mounting

\Uhen she can, Isabella

pre

is an anchor, he or she had a secure base from which to explore the environ' ment and return whenever in need of comfort and re{ueling. If your partner is

breakfast. After that, she runs

an island, however, that secure base was relatively unavaiiable, and now he or

rate sleep-wake patterns on \\'€r

she may deny or dismiss the need for a partner to soothe and be there as a

These partners have becc

source of comfort. After all, why consider the importance of such security if it was never available in the first place? Studies of children in Israeii kibbutzim, where communal living arrange' ments meant they were separated at nighttime and early mornings from their

their dissatisfaction on the ch

cally wakes an hour after she I

Noah has become increasingir'

ful of his complaining. Neirhe: and waking as a problem. Yer

mother, give us insight into this question. Attachment theorist John Bowlby (1969) predicted children in such situations would be less secure, and research'

ness, and a growing sense of hc

ers have documented this to be the case. For example, Abraham Sagi and

effect does the sight of an empr

colleagues (1994), who compared children who slept at home with children who slept away from their parents, found that if the parent was consistently

at 1 a.m.? What effect

unavailable at bedtime, the child was more likely

to be insecure.

What effect do you think I

does ,

partners?

More

When living alone, we ma\

recently, Liat Tikotsky and her team (2010) reported that parents who expe.

However, when we live with a p

rienced communal living as infants were more like to report concerns about their infant's sleep disturbances. Their study revealed a silver lining, however:

or her next to us-preferablv

these parents also were more likely to soothe their infants at bedtime'

when we expect someone to t'e

Vhether or not your partner felt smoothly transitioned at bedtime and in the morning during childhood, here's the good news: your partner has the

separation, the experience rha

90

are asleep.

'lThether

a,

we are a\\':

I6

'Surlllesun aq uec sn Uel serl .reutred Jno lBqt ecuer:edxa ar{l (uolt€Jedes Lre,rodruet e dluo sr t1

^{ou{

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eql seq rautred rnol.

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:Jene^\oq '8urur1 Je^irs B pal€a.\a

pag drdrue uE ot tcBeJ Leru e.tr']ou Jo ]lJo aJB^\B erE e^\ roqler{lN'daelse ere

'paq Lldrue ue ;o lq8rs eqr f,q pa;eqloq aq tou

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pue t8eg uEqEJqV 'eldtuexa :

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aurelq

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s(uerpllrp er{t a{Eur ol q8noua l,pea dn auo dpo eqt (pro t€ lltun dn sdets pue tqS1u B uaeq

sde,mle seq

sr EIIaqBSI

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oot pue Lsng ool eJB rltoq 'uaprnq IErf,uEurJ Suuunoru E pue sertnp Suueer -pllqr qrr,r\ '.r0.o51 'srnoq erel dael pue reqreSot tno oB ot pasn Aerlt 'e8eu 4uur Jo s.reed Apea aqt

uI

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ou

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uoJpilrlc Sunod o.trt Sursrer eJ€ 'ser1Jrqt ppu Jleqt ur qtoq 'e1iaqes1 pug ripoN

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IANV'I ANV SDNIH]NNVl

WIRED FoR LOVE Isabella has island qualities and appreciates her time alone, yet she sometimes

finds it hard to fail back to sleep after waking to find Noah still up. And Noah, who has wave tendencies, sometimes feels abandoned when Isabella goes to bed before he does, even though he is naturally a night owl.

STEEpTNG

AND V

In my experience as a couple r, meet each other in bed at nisL

To complicate matters, their respective genders may influence Isabella's

they cosleep) and who routinei

and Noah's sleep experience. In fact, various studies have shown that men

satisfaction than couples ri'ht- : can work.

and women not only have different sleep patterns, but perceive their experience differently. For example, John Dittami and colleagues (2007) compared couples when they slept alone and when they slept together over a period of

twenty eight nights. They found that women had more disrupted sleep when they were with a partner than when they slept alone, while men reported

TRRNSITIONIN( Rebecca and Vince are

enjoying sleeping together more than women did.

r.-

sleep

dren. Similar to Noah anJ Is income to keep up with a n,--. other expenses that keep rhe: Isabella, they don't have ex:::.

sleep

daycare or babysitters. Rebecca

better when they are together. She theorizes that, for both men and women,

office six out of seven davs. Fand Vince more of an isiani

Wendy Troxel (2010) pointed out a paradox emerging from this field of

On the one hand, measures of the biophysiological changes that occur during sleep (e.g., reaching the most restful level of sleep-called level research.

4 sleep; having fewer body movements) indicate that, overall, couples better alone. On the other hand, couples subjectively report that they

the need to feel secure at night outweighs any sleep disturbances that may accompany cosleeping. This would explain, for instance, why Isabella is disturbed when she wakes to an empty bed. It also supports what I stress in the guiding principles of this book: the importance of keeping your partner safe and secure. It's also possible that Isabella and Noah are influenced by their respective

their secure, skillful

\4

dv r.\t ri..:

Despite their stressful L.,'=.

morning rituals, both tbr rh. - -. to put the children ro be.j. ,:,, quietly about rheir dar. or :-. ,. to step into her home ottr,.

circadian rhythms-the daily biological cycle that determines when an individual is inclined to eat, sleep, and perform other actions. Research has shown

a crisis is occurring

that couples with different rhythms, such

is understanding and usuail.,'

as

night owls paired with early birds,

can experience instability in their relationships. For example, Jeffry Larson and team (Larson, Crane, and Smith 1991) found that couples with different

night and morning orientations had more arguments than did similarly

ori

ented couples, and spent less quality time together. It's actuaily common for

a week,

:

in her ..'. :,

Vince has to ger up

n-.

e\i:

get up with him, even thouli.. . so they can share a cup tri

the early start on her ori'n

c

.:

rl r.

believe it's possible and even

heads back to bed for anothei

healthy for these partners to get onto the same sleep schedule, or at least to create ways to begin and end the day together. You can improve your relation.

Rebecca and Vince orrrr^

couples to have different daily rhythms, yet

ship

lf

partner.

92

I

you make the effort to coordinate sleep/wake patterns with your

.

one another's eyes and then se: times, they take turns readins r.

ing the books they will enj..-,' : with new bedtime rituals. as i,..

€.6

turod e epEru

(eluBtsur roC 'lle^\ sB elr{.4d € JoJ 'slBntu ewrfpeq.t\eu qtr^\

^eq] tuauuedxa pue ateerr ot a{ll ,{aq1 'raqreSot Lolua

1p,u deqr s>1ooq

eql 8ur

-tJales eteuJatl€ pue 'tqBru qcea Jeqtoue euo ot SurpeeJ suJnt alet [at1] 'sarurl

raqto tV

'dee1s

otur Surze8

oi;;o rer{tou€

'dee1s

euo Surpues Lpue8 uaqi pue seLa s(Jerltoue euo

ero;eq tsnt peq ur {larnb erl ua}o acurn pue €f,cagag

'se^eel eq relE rnoq reqlouE roJ Peq ot lcBq sPBeq pue eeJJoc aql seo8ro; eqs 'serurt leqto tV'Lep >po,rt u^\o Jarl uo u€ls.!ree atlr satercardde egs spurJ er{S 'se^Bel aq eJoJeq aeJJoJ Jo dnc e ereqs uec Lagl os

'ot raq pelse t(usBr{ er{ puB ot peeu t.useop eqs q8nogl ue,re 'run1 ql,r dn ra8

ol solll ef,leqag 'IJo^A t€ Surlearu e ro; dpee erlxe dn te8 ot seq ecurl '1ea,tr e e3uo tnogv 'raq roJ dn Sunre.tr;o turod B se{Eur l,11ensn pue Surpuelslepun sr e:urn 'uorse3oo uo ueddeq seop srqt uaqlN '{Jo^a req ur Suulncco sr srsrro B sselun stsrsal ags 'speur-a rg8ru-ere1 roJ {cer{J ot ergJo euroq req otur dats ol perdruel sr uauo Brcegag q8notllly 'e,ro1 Surleur ro 'Lup rlaqt tnoqe {rarnb ol uorplrq3 arp lnd ol

rncr.{ tltr.rrr sula]]ed a1e.u7doa1s

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raqleSol ryom [eq1 'se^lesureq] roJ pu€ uerpllqc aqt roJ rpoq 'qen1u Sururour (so^rl

pue aruruq8ru lnoq€ atnloser are aldnoc ar{t InJssoJls rlaqr arrdsaq 'sror{rue aruoreq qtoq war{t padlaq Sunelar;o ,{e,t. 1n;1111s 'arn3as Jreql 'e8euleru ;o sread eldnoc E urqtr^d 'la.temo11 'puBISr ue Jo erour elurn pu€ aABA\ B

Jo eJoru

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pue 'srunnuard ecuernsur qlleaq a8nq 'a8e8troru B rllr,4d, dn daal ol eurorur IBnp B Surllnd '8urryoa,rpreq er€ qtoq 'e11eqes1 pue rleoN ot rellruls 'uerp Suno^ o^\t e^Bq pu€ senril{t plur rlaqt ur ar€ erurn pue EJf,eqaU

Trll

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eles rautred rnod Surdaal Io a: eqt ur sseJls I teq,r stroddns os -srp sr €lleqesl [q.u (ecuE]sur l. leqr se3ueqJntsrp deels -,,u

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ro: .F]F

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'4IO.4A

IIEJ

pereduoc (1997) san8eellor Fu -uedxe Jreql elreJJed lnq 'su::

ellogesl ueq^\ PauoPuEgE sisal

s.reulred 'lsrderaqt aldnoc e se acueuadxe dru u1

rq8ru e dllernteu

s,Eleqesl Jluenuur ,{er-u s:>pu:.

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uour tBqt u^doqs e^Bq soiPnts

sn{t .r\oqJo seldruexe euros tE Tooi s(tal 'lou op oq.u seldnoc uerlt uortr€Jsrtes

ol sueld a>1eur Llauunor

or{^A

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puy 'dn lllrs qeoN puq or saulllauros

aHs

:-

lel.'auo1e aruu :

S9NICNV] CNV SSNIH]NNV"I

WIRED FOR LOVE every night after turning out the lights to express their gratitude' They thought of all the people who had touched their iives, both iiving and dead,

activities downstairs. She mip fobds, particularly ice cream, \

naming them one by one and wishing each well. Sometimes either Rebecca or Vince fell asleep before finishing the list. No matter. Both saw this rituai as a way ro transition into sleep, and they liked that it helped them feel connected not only to one another, but also to the people in their lives. The couple awaken together and always make a point of lounging

hours of the night. Often wher anxious and disappointed in I

together for several minutes before taking care of their morning chores, including waking the children. Sometimes they gaze into one another's eyes upon waking, as they did prior to sleeping. Even though their days are busy, both feel energized by their time together at these crucial transitioning periods, and feel connected and hopeful about their day apart. They launch each other into the day and land together into the night.

Then one night, by char-Lc was extremely tired after parti bed early-even before Marci and went to bed halfan hour

a

Carrie's back. The next mornir not woken up during the night

again later that week, witl'r r Marcia, while in bed with \1,

without late-night eating or

re

she later regretted.

Carrie's late nighr acrir irr,

EENIY BIRDS AND NICHT OWIS their rhythms are naturally similar and easily in sync. But what about couples with conflicting rhythms? It may require more effort and compromise, but such couples Things are relatively

easy for Rebecca and Vince because

also can benefit from shared rituals.

Carrie and Marcia have opposite sleep patterns' Carrie is a night owl, and Marcia is an early bird. Carrie admits she is an island and always has been. She also believes, and is probably correct, that Marcia is an anchor. Marcia worries about Carrie and her health. She notices how overtireci she is during the day and that she tends to eat high'carb foods right before

going to sleep. Carrie insists these habits suit her well, although she would rather Marcia stay up with her and watch TV. Marcia's internal clock doesn't allow her to stay up; she starts to fall asleep almost precisely at 9:30 every night. Marcia also doesn't like to be woken at night, and she begs Carrie to be quieter when she comes into the room after Marcia has fallen asleep. Carrie sometimes gets irritated that Marcia can't stand sound or light in the room at night. Carrie wants to be next to Marcia at night, and would prefer to turn on a small nightlight and read whenever she has trouble sleep-

ing. But out of concern for Marcia, she avoids doing that. Instead, Carrie made it her habit to slip out of bed, tiptoe out the door, and look for other

94

she feit abandoned by Marcia.

I

to be put to bed. Marcia had

e

to bed at a similar time each

r

Carrie did not. Despite Carri, verted early bird. As an addel mornings together. Moreover. work, and lost weight because together and waking togerher were before. Early birds ofren conre fr, 'r

-

come from night owi families.

according to their mother's ci. themselves to switch specic.. cially when the future of their several days of light exposure

,

light exposure in the earlr' n-ic your partner a little time to :-. earlier before you expecr

hin

.-,

Partners who wish to t.,rc= simpiy accept one another as I

ence for their murual benetft. j

s6 (aruEtsur

roJ 'luaueg lenlnul rlerll roJ eJue o^rtf,npord aroru sr l,^d.o tq8ru eqt -rel;rp slqt osn puB 'splg.{pea pue spdo tq8ru se Jeqtoue auo tdecce Lldutts uer lcolc leuretur laql a8ueqc ol tlol;e etp o8aro; ot rISLt\ oq^\ sJoutred 'seruit esoqt Suunp leuonrunJ.!1n; eq ot larl Jo urq tcedxa nod aro;aq leIIrEe dn Suule8 ro re8uol dn SurLels Jeqtra ot lsnfpe ol etult oIDII e reutred rnol a,l.r8 'spro,ro. Jeqto ur 11.ra.o rq8ru er{} roJ Sururout Lpee eqr ur ernsodxa tq8tl ;o sl,ep Iere^es puB 'lprrq dpee eqr ro; rq8ru te ernsodxa rq8ll Jo sl'ep lere,tas apnlcu uec Sururerl 'alets tB st dtqsuonelar lleqt Jo alntnJ aqr uegan {1etc ol lseel lu to 'setcads qJlI.^AS ol sellesruel{l -adse 'de,ro.prru Jegloue auo laeur

urer] ot alqrssodrur tou sr tr 'sselerlue^eN ')iroll s{Joqtotu rloqt ot Sulplof,JB drue;ur Suunp les ere,4d, slcolf, e^Itcedsar leql 'seIInuEJ IAo lt{8}u ruorJ aulor lqSru pue 'sprtq dFea;o selllruEj ulou eulof, uer30 sprtq ,!reE ol Puel

s1.tro

'orojeq

ere.^A

.(eqt ueqi JasolJ errle3 pue BIcJEt{ tq8norq raqlaSol 8ul1e,t pue regleSol Surdealg 'iri81u re Surlceus re8uoi ou sE^A eqs esnef,eg rq8re.u tsol pue 'ryon ol Suto8 aloJag tno 8ut1.to.r,r patrets etrJe3 're,Loelo14 'reqteSot s8ururotu eqi [ofua plno3 Blr]sl pu€ oI-IreC qtog 'snuoq peppe uB sV 'prlq d1.rea palra.t .uor e eruBrrq aqs '1no tq8ru € sB aurItoJII s(erlJeO 3tldseq 'tou plP eIrlEC

lnq

'dea1s

Jo srnoq tq8re IInJ e Sunte8 pue rq8ru qr€e aruu rellutls B re peq ol

rerllo roJ Tool pue 'roop eqr ri orJre3 'peatsul 'lerp Surop sp alqnou seq er{s relouaq. -dee1s

plno.^A

ur

pue 'tq8ru te Brf,lEI,\ o

1q311

ro punos puEts t.uEr

Er

'daalse ualieJ ser{ EnlEtr aq

ol rule3

s8aq aqs pue 'rLlFl,

dra.te 99:6 tE t.useoP

tsorulE

^lesrrard lcolc lEuJelul s(Erlr€J\

plno^\ eqs q8noqtle '11e,t :aq ero;eq rtlEu spoo; qrer-gFrr1

r=

''{,i Perrua^o .&\ori sefnou aqs 'IOqJUE u€ sI EIllEj\ 'uaog seq sLumle puE puElsi upue

'1.rrro

rg8ru e sI aIJIEC 'su::r

saldnoc qJns lnq 'esnuorJrca,:

4rrguoJ qlr.u seldnoc lnog:

r::-.

surqr.(qr Jloqt asnefeq arul_rr

Suro8 se qcns 'pooripllr{r ruo$ srrgeq deels poo8 petl €Icretypaq ot 1nd aq o1 papaeu eur€C ]Eqt BrrJBl\ ot pounrco r,upeq tI 'EIrretrAI Lq peuopueqe tleJ eL[s 'tr Surzrleer tnoqtr.{\ 'asneceg padolenap per1 soI]I^Ito€ rq8ru arel s,elrr€O

i.

sl^^O

'pallarEa; JalEI aqs

sartrlrtr€ rerlto aqt;o [ue ro 3un1c1e,u uorsrlelo]

.to Surtee

qfea qJunBI daql 'lrede '.r: :: -ued Suruorlrsuelt 1erfnlr a.:tsnq ere sLep lagr tlSnour ::

tou

'1,:: l-

tq8lu-arel tnoqtl.{\

'tr18iu agl q8norqr deals ol elq€ sE^\ aqs erf,r€l4 qrlln peq q eJIq \ 'erc;ery aro;eq daalse uale; 3ur.te11 'sllnser eru€s eqt t1t1.tr '1ae.lrl teqt ratel ure8e L1;ee peq

ol Suro8 perlt eqs 'tuetuuedxa ue sy'tq8ru aqr Suunp dn

ue>lo,tr

pcrl eqs parrtou pue par{se{eJ eIo^\E er.rreC 'Sutuloru txeu eql 'If,€q s,alrr€O pelons.firue8 eqs 'dealse IIoJ eqs sV'arrreC lage rnoq ueJIeq poq ot tue^\ pu€ eurtnor aurrtpoq leurrou req peqsrurJ Brrretqerf,l€l aro;aq ue.te-dlrea pog

so,(a

s,:aqtoue ouo o.lur

::r:

'saloqo Sururoru Jroqt -]Lr a:;:: Sur8unol ;o turod E :Irlr -. 'S0^II JIaqi

i::

'peap pue Surnq qloq 'sa-u;

aql olur serlour qJlB^\ Jo :seJop€ erls rllrrl.& 'ruEaJJ ecr dpelnorlred 'spooy

ee,lA

e s€ I€nlIJ slril .t\€s qlog ro €f,ceqeu rarllre setlluaruos

JIesJaq uI PetuloddeslP Pue snoIXuE (paq ot >lreq luo^\ d11uug aqs ueq^\ uelO 'trlSru orit Jo srnoq plno^\ orrre3

IeeJ

patceuuoc IeoJ ruaqt padlaq ::

ol luel( pu€ lue^e strods lueduroc E ur 8ur]edrcrtred Ja]E perB ,laruertxe se.tr aqg 'Surlseretur Surqtouros peJe^of,srp erJreO 'aoueqc dq 'rq8ru auo uegJ

.bte; tea lsatrs ryomtau lBrcos eurluo lcaqc rqEnu eqs 'srretsu^\op sertrlurc

'larr:'.

Aeql'apnrrre.r8

.rrarqt

.

:::

\\ri:\:

SDNICNV] CNV SDNIH)NNVI

WIRED FOR LOVE at nighttime and can perform mutually beneficial tasks, such as the family bookkeeping or preparing school lunches for the kids, at night. Likewise, the early bird has more energy during the morning hours and can take on some

of the couple's morning tasks, such as driving the kids to school. Even so, night owl I early bird couples can, and should, open and close their days together with simple rituals.

EXTRCTSE: A WEEK OF RITUAL

In addition to the

acr ot

,r

-:.

partner-whether to go ro \\'r-i type of launching. You and -,' relationship and into the non the amount of energy, conrii, dealing with your parenrs, \-o;

Set aside a week during which you can experiment with creative launchin$s and landin$s. Make sure your partner is on board with the idea. You can say that you will be taking the lead, and all he or she needs to do is be available,

sit back, and enjoy the ride.

final, and so on.

Similarly, much like e,.rr. after a separation, even a bri,

return home. Remember, r1-re : Hor,v you land and reunire .:

Here's how it works.

1. You can select any week of the year as your ritual week. However, yoll may want t0 avoid a week during which one of you has a business trip scheduled or another atypical event that might interfere. Choosing an average week will make it easier t0 subsequently apply what you discover.

2. During

SEpenerIoNS Al KINo oF LAUNC

the week, land and launch together. Think aboul what your partner

being in the home.

How are launchings anc moment of separation, do vou

,

Do you gaze into 1lour partnc: After the separation, when i-i. your partner's eyes. Or do \ou

couple. I've suggested a variety of rituals in this chapter that you may

the two of you hadn't been ap. Remember Noah and Isai

want t0 try. But please don't be limited by my suggestions. Get creative!

rituals? Because she is an rsian

might enjOy. Perhaps include some activities that will be new t0 yOu as a

when she leaves in the nrorn::

3. Let each rilual be a surprise t0 your partner. Sometimes the element

0f

surprise adds fun and excitement t0 a relationship.

4.

At the end of the ritual week, compare your experiences. Which rituals did

you each likeP And whyP What did you learn about yourself and each otherP Decide together which rituals you would like to incorporate into your relationship on an ongoing basis. Approach this as an experiment, but without critiquing each other. Pay attention t0 how each ritual affects both of you. Better sleepP Better dreamsP Better dayP

the other hand, complains abr

fidence in his interactions u'irl

When Noah picks

Isab,ei,

races to the car; then the_v hu:i

to face with his partner. Her

a

not. Because this couple don': car. It doesn't matter whar thr quence of failing to attune ic

that they have something r.. would remind you that our F.. can determine whether the th:

96

L6

(esec srql ul 'lEaJ sI IEaJI{l eql Jeq}eq^\ eululJeleP UBJ aqt si tEaJI{] 3ql ^ldrms e,^A uEqt JatseJ senJ l€arql ot puodsar se^IlnulJd rno l€ql no,{ Puluer Plno^d I rng 'tqBB deqr [qa,r s(teq] pue 'tnoqe en8re ol Sutqlautos eA€I{ daqr reqr on8re lq8ru no 'uoluneJ uodn rarltoue euo ol eunlle ot Surlre;;o acuonb tI teqt sI qtnJt agr lrnoge sl iq8g eI{} leq^\ Jell€ul l.usaoP lI 'ref,

dsruuoJp JollOB idoals .laua8

,{ud .reuto qouo Fulnbl}trt

J'r,

.

-osuoo e sI

eqr ur rg8g {qelr^taut [egr 'dpadord e]runer l,uop eldnoc slql esneceg 'lou e^Bq eq pue er{s rng 'pepuq a,r.eg Leru aueldle reg 'raulred sn{ qll^{\ oJEJ ol aurn puads ot uoJJa ou sel€ru eH 'eruoq Luntl laqr uerl] lrec eql ol secur of,BJ

pue e8e33n1 ;aq sqer8 eq

'trodle arp re dn EIIaqESI qctd qeog ueqlN

Olur aluJOdJ0cu! 01

>lro1( tB ellrl^\ ssepsq Suqee; lnoge suteldruoc 'PUBI{

laqlo eql

€

alll

p|l10\., -

u3B0 puu ll0sJn0^ lnoqP LjJPI prp spniu LlclqM 'soJltolJOti\r

'sraqlo qlJ^\ suollcBrelul slq uI ef,uePIJ

.uor s{c€i PuE

uo 'qeo51 'lentu Sulqrunel redord € lnoqll^A Sururour aql uI se^€al aqs ual{.^a Surqr[ue pesslul seq eqs laa] t(useoP EIIaq€sI 'PuEIsI uB sI eqs esn€reg lslenllJ Surue.ta pue Sururoru aJBI{s tou PP ot{,tt 'egeqesl Pu€ qEoN JaguteureU noL;o on; ag1 211e le rrede uaaq l.uP€q 'seda s,leulled rnod Jl se uo .&rec pue peluer8 roJ uoluner el{l aT€l nod op rg olur lgauq azeB pue af,EJquro nod op 'e]IuneJ noL uerl.tr 'uolleredes eqi raUV 'roop aqt tno unr Lldurrs nod sdeqrad 16 ;seLa s,laulred rnod olut eze8 nod oq uer{t ra8uol roJ Jauu€d rnod acerqua no,{ op 'uorleredas Jo lueulolu lpuores oqt tV

2drqsuoueler rnol, ur PelPuEI{ s8urpuel pue s8utgcunel ere ^\oH 'etuoq er{t ut Sureq

aro11 1le'tl s(reqlo qree pue alqqnq eldnoe aql slcalJe elluner Pue PuBl nod 'drqsreutred aq] s? auoH 'euroq s? alqqnq eldnoc eql (Jeqrueulau 'auroq uJnleJ rnoL stuasardar l1 '8utpue1 ;o eddi e sI 'euo Jalrq B ua.te 'uotlBt€das e reSe

-,1-

d tUSi:,i ,-t

J0 1UAU0l0 0Lll S0Ulll0tu0S -:tr,-, iA\lIPOJC

,{uLu no,{

ld3 'sU0ll\dp'Fllr

'

luql iolduLll slLlt t"t :

u s€ n0^ ol Mau oq lll\\ lPlil

::

.

JAUUBd Jn0^ lELl^\ lnoqp \Ll -,1 , 'JA\OJsrp

n0\ lptl\\

j

-.

oFpJa^u up Furs00Ll3'a.lJr..l.i-r -porl.)s drJl ssaulsllcl P (PL.

,{uu no,{ laAOMoH 'Iaat\ lPr- r

"'

'olqulleAu 0q Sl 0p 0| Spitar :L

rvnrru {c

noL apg.rir 1ee; noL troddns puu 'ecueplJuoc 'l'8raua Jo lunour€ aql

lu'r.1,

Suto8 e111 qcmu '{lepuls 'uo os pue '1eut3

JeutJEd rno.{ qur,r Surtrunar 'lq31u te deals o1

,{Bs uuc

no

'Papr orjt Llt!\\

sFulUcunul o^tlEoJc tlll

a8alloc e ',trer,tralur qo[ e 'spr1 rnoA 'sre>po.troc rnod 'slueled rnoL q]r,u Suttuep de.lo.e a.re

trolJe uec srqt op noL ,'vrog 'ppo.ra, drqsuorleleJuou oql olul pue drqsuoilelar eL[] ruor; de,r,le reqto rlJee rlcun€l rautred rnod pue notr 'Surqcunel ;o edl'r e se;o tq8noqt aq uEJ-reAeJeI{.lr Jo 'looqcs 'Iro^a ol oB ol reqlegaa-reulred rnol. uror; Surte.iedas 'Suturoru qcea dn 8ur1e.t'r Jo tre el{t ol uouIPP€ ul

DNTCTNYf ONV DNIH)NnV] fO CINI) UIHIONY :SNOINN:IU CINY SNOIIVUVd:IS

\\

i-r1,

sLep leqr asolo pu€ uadc 'p-: 'os ue^A 'loorlls or spr>1 ru- slnau : ettlos uo eIEt ueJ 'sfrI :PUE

aLIt 'esl^Aelt-I'rt13ru te

$ure; eqt

sB

qlns 's4ser

1zt:--

SDNIANV] CNV SDNIHf,NNV]

WIRED FOR LOVE '!7e aren't talking failure to take the time to re-attune after a separation' about large amounts of time. If Noah were to initiate a few minutes of together

Frrru GurorNc

time, I guarantee they could save themselves hours of flghting' Now remember Rebecca and Vince, who enjoy morning and evening rituals. These two also pay close attention to their separati.ons and reunions' \Welcome Home Ritual' When either For example, they do what I call the returns home at any time of day or night, both seek each other out before performing any orher tasks. They greet each other before greeting the chil-

The fifth principle of this book

until dren, pets, of guests in the house. They embrace and hold each other partner's body each feels the other relax. Because it's easier to feel tension in a

rests upon you. Two such oppor

than in one's own body, they use this to their advantage. Rebecca points out make to Mnce any places of tension she detects upon greeting him so he can an effort to release them. Vince does the same for her. Only after completing their welcome ritual do they go about their business. Not only they, but everyone in the household benefits from their attunement' I have seen many couples diffuse or resolve many conflicts by simply talc

ing seriously the need for launching and landing rituals. We take too much price for for granted when it comes to separations and reunions, and pay the not understaniling the natural human imperative to make and continually my remake secufe connections with our most important others. Don't take word for this. Check your own launchings and landings. Play with them. Perform them properly, and then improperly or not at all. Compare the differ' ence. Experience for yoursel{.

use b edtime and morning r itual s.

As I've stated, this book

L

helping your partner. Of cours

will be met,

as well, because

However, the burden for findir

and the other upon rising in th Here are some supportine

1

ing and landing rituals:

i.

You both benefit when r

sleep together everv ni

One or the other of vo,. we discussed, one oi r'

flnd the time to pur vc, turns on different nieh: put to bed.

2. Variety is the spice oi;r

als for yourselves. For e:

program or movie tt

i.:

course, this easil-v can':

EXTRCTSE: THT WTICOTVTE HOME RITUAL

ing to you). Don't let rh

time Today (or tomorrow) when yOur partner c0mes home from w0rk, take lhe until lookin$ keep eyes, t0 fully greet him 0r her. lf yoLr look into each other's ygll see ygur partner's eyes f6CUS and Soften. Don't stop until ygu

movie theater, so dc.n: your partner during cn'.

each 0f

intervals during the p::

Other suggesrinn.

can

see that happen! lf you embrace, d0n't let g0 until yOu feel the other fully relax. N0 skimping permitted. lt's not a timed event. peaceNotice how yOu feel after this brief ritual. ls your household m0re

a. Listen to an audi.radio. Tirrn the Ligb

fulP l'll be surprised if you don't find everyone, not just the two 0f y0u, benefits:

b.

the kids, the dOg, the cat, even the fish!

c. Spend time quieti',' ful and fun. It car-

9B

Pray together.

(\c

66

'8urxe1e.r eq osle -.(e1d eq

u€r

lI

'unJ puB InJ

uec t1 'sa,ta s,;auued rnoL otur ButzeB,lrernb erurr puadg 'f

(palnbar uor8rlar o51) 'reqra8or [er4 'q ';aqla8ot uetsrl pu€ 'spuerl ploq 'tno srq8n egt urnl 'olper 'rsecpod B ro {ooq orpne ue ot uats!-I '€

pauollse;-plo poo8 eqr

rg

:epnlJur slentrr eunpeq ro; suortsaSSns Jei{to 'spueq ploH'sluetuotu pldnts ro '.{uun; 'leuoltorua Sutrnp reuued Jno^

le >loo'I '(eqa auo,{ue Surqrnlsrp tnoqe Luom t(uop os 'reteagl arrroru B ur tou ar,noL) ll tnoqe {lEJ 'er^oru ro urerSo,rd eqr Suunp sl€Aretul reln8er tB tJBluoc ol€ur ot alns eg 'uaddeq tEI{t iel r,uoq '(nol^ oi 8ut (esrno? 'spuelsr) L}t,ulce Surlelosr uE aworaq uec dllsee slql

:strJOU0q 'n0^ l0 0M1 ollt lsnf l0r -a.)Pod dJOru pl0uosn0Ll ,tn0\ . 'lLta \ ,{11n1 reqlo oql laol no^ lttun no^ lrlun dols l,uoc 'ualJos prrp lllun FulI00l deal 'se,{e s,.taLlt0 0url 0rll Olul 'IJOM uOJl0L|oLl

IVnJIU IWOH l

'{lel tu,I

JO '^Bp er{} uro# u.rop purl( ot dezn e se 'reqlaSot allour ro rue.rSord AI e qcre,u ot a{ll Leru nod seurrleuros 'aldurexa rol 'so^lasJnoL ro; s1e auuPaq Jo stol et€erc 'Fnlrr Jo ecrds erll sr ,{lauerl '7 -ntlr Sururoru

PUB

'peq or lnd Suieq;o ecuauadxa aqt a^eq no[;o rlrog os slgBtu ]uaralJ1p uo surnl oIBt puv 't1qeq E srqt e{€n 'paq o} reutred rnod lnd ot eurlt etlt puIJ uec noL 'ssalegtrene5l 'lao tr{81u e eq Letu no.{;o auo 'passncsrp a,t lo Jor{to er{t Jo auo se

'rg '1q3ru ue,r.r8 e uo op ol 4ro^\

ederl Leru noL

'elqrs€a; s.{e.ra.1e t(usr t€qt 'ecru ag plnoan rq8ru ,{reaa raqteSot deals ol Suro8 qBnoqlly 'peq ot reut;ed rnoL tnd nol uaqa,r ]geueq qtoq no

'I

:sl€ntrr Surpuei pue 8ur -qounel do1a.r,ap noL se noL aprn8 ot saldrcuud Suitroddns awos ere araH 'Sururour eqt ur Sursu uodn reqlo arit pue erurtpeq te auo :dep rlf,€a alqEIrE^E eJB sartrunlJoddo qcns oznl'nod uodn stsa.r

reutred rnod yo er€J e{et ot sartruntroddo Surpurs roJ uopJnq eqt (Je^a.ttoH 'reqtou€ auo Jo ar€c eIBt IIyK no^ Jo qroq esnereq t1e.u se 'toru aq III,I\ spaeu .rnoA 'drgsuorlelar I€ntnru l,1nrr e ur 'esJnof, ;g 'reurred rnoL Eurdleq tnogu alour pue;lesrnol Suidleq tnoqe ssel sr ]ooq srgl 'patets a^(I sV

looq srqr;o aldreuud ilgg aq1

pup aiparn plno\s saftq Ksnqlptot snul"toQpgl $

tslpnllt Burulotu puv aluupacl asn

sD lpftn sD

'pa1JaLru@ Kpls oi. 'slpnflr.

uolunar

:IfdIfNIUd DNICIIND HIJI{

-raJJIp aqr aredtuo3 'lle te

loli

'tuoqt r[]r^\ Le14 's8ulpuel pu

ftu alel l.uoc 'stelllo tuEt.It-j Lllenunuoc pue a1eur ol a.\r-: ro; ecud aqr ded pue 'suorun:. Ll)ntu oot

slet erN's1enrr.i::.

-4et ,{idurs [g srrrpuor

\urrr 'luaLL:-

-draaa lnq taqr.{1uo

loN 'ssaul

Suualduoc;ar;e d1u6 'rar{ i'J 3ur:r::: ' JIeUJ uer ar{ os turq

tno sturod Ec3eqeg 'e8etue.rpe Lpog s,.raulred e ur uorsuet

1aa-

Ilrun rer{lo qrea Plorl PUE rr! -llt{c eql Sunae;8 ero1ag rarp-aJoJeq lno JeL[]o ql€a I03s

IoIllIe uarllN 'lEntlu etuoH

LIa-,

'suoluneJ pue suorlEledes rrr'-' Sutue.te puu Sururour dofua , 'Sunq8r;;o s:n-.-. reqraSor 1o selnurur ,reJ E atEr:

3ut11er l(uale elN 'uotle:edrs

SDNiCNV-I CNV SDN]H)NNV]

WIRFD FOR I,OVF d. Read to your partner.

When was the last time someone read to

;

you or you read to someone? Caution: reading to your partner can

off. Make ele cohr?ur.

put him or her to sleep, so if that's not your intent, consider choos-

Gelings for c,ne anorl^.i:.

ing something else to do.

ner's tank to the brinL.

Tickle your partner's back, draw pictures on your partner's back, or play the "guess what word I'm writing on your back" game. Do

this in the dark so it's a bedtime transition. Give your partner an orgasm. It's good for health and for the rela-

tionship. Your partner having an orgasm can give you a contact high. Endorphins, oxytocin, and vasopressin flow into both partners' bloodstreams, making you feel connected. Orgasms also are a great muscle relaxant and antianxiety remedy.

Suggestions for morning rituals include:

a. Make breakfast (in bed, or not) for your partner. Alternatively, you can go out for breakfast or to a favorite coffee or tea shop.

b. Lie in bed together and gaze into your partner's partner with a loving "Good morningl"

eyes. Greet your

c. Quietly talk with your partner about the day and what each of you will be doing, facing, or accomplishing. Use this time to remind one another of tasks, appointments, or agreements concerning this day only. Make plans for the nighttime. Agree to meet in bed at a certain time.

d. Give each other orgasms. This can work especially well as part of your morning and evening rituals if you and your partner have opposing sexual arousai patterns ("I want sex at night, and he wants it in the morning"). This way each gets what he or she wants,

5. Wherever one goes, the other goes. For partners who share a couple bubble, this is true emotionally, even when it isn't always the case physically. It's kind of like running a three.legged race: if one person falls, the other can't go anywhere. So you want to work as a team and

hold each other up. \7hen it comes time to separate, whether for the

100

day or a longer trip, m..1

peak.

'

TOI

n--."

luE.\\

r-L-.1

aqt JoJ raqtaq^\ 'ateledas or PUB

ul€el

B SE IIOIA Ol

uos;ad auo JI :rrEr pe33e1-.=: aseJ aql strem1e

aldnor

B

l(usl tI uaq.'r. s:ru:;r: -

'

aleqs oq,u

erls ro oq teq.u sto8 qrea .".-. r oq pue 'tqEp le xes tuE.\.' i.. aneq reut:ed rno.( puu

;o rred

se IIe^\ dllercadsa

peq ut tJotu ot

fl1 .'.

rji.

r,

-

aa;8y rtui:--r::'

Sutureruoc sluautaa:Ee lL-

a--*

Putulel ol euitl stt{l J:.1 : .. noL;o qcea teq.{\ pu€ .iep a''', : ..

rnod leerC 'saAe s,;autlEJ

t

:'il

::-.--".

'dogs ea1 ro eel,1or orrrc.'.:: :

'Lle.ureurally'reul:ed ln..'.

:.-.

''{perua: -i-:::':-. erB osl€ suseSrg 'Pellauu, r ' -llEd qloq olul \\oLJ ul::)l- -,

lcBluoJ e noL

a,Lt8

uul rusr.-:

-elar aql roJ PUE l{rleoq rci :--

.

'uoltis *

oq 'IBed .rer{ Jo srq

te urroJrad ol laq Jo lulq lue^\ nol 'rulrq eL[] ol IuBl

-pues redord e reutred rnoL e.Lt8 ot

uleuer

e>1eru

'aure8 ,,1req :no { ur' ;

j:r -

'TJEq s,laulJed rno'( uo sel:-11.

s.leu

-ued rnotr IIrJ ot selBt tI osla ro^eteg^\ oP Pue 'raqloue euo roj sEuIIeeJ JnoL tnoge s>lreurer Surrul;3eer eletu 'acergrue 'lJ€JuoJ e.(a ele7\1 3;o 'dt.tt ra8uol e ro [up

-soorlc raPrsuoc 'luelur lno.'

uec raulred rnol o] Surpea:

ol

pEeJ euoeuros

euln

tsEl

SDNICNVI CNV SDNIH]NNV]

CI

The Go-l to Remai

One

nieces and nephews whenete:

in love. But cn; both Brian and Marsha ret.::. leagues, and even on oca.-.:: l are very much

r

tomed to going to others ou::::.

intimate details about

ther:rse-

person for the other. Both ha,,'e

mation to which the other

u.,

One night as they're .ii::r.and says, "'W'ho is the girl I s.,,,,

Brian looks up, surprisej.

Marsha eats two mouthi* photo of you with this u'oma:"You hal a green plastic :up . Look, I don't care. I just u'ant :

Brian sets his fork dog n, uorking. You looked at )'oLr ::

'

that site."

i(

JIIS

lBql

uo e8ed B e^€q no[ sueeru ]€qJ la8ed s(puelg Jno^ tE Pelool no1 '8uDIJo.l.r -teu otur are^\ noL.trouq ua^a tpplp L, 'u^\op {JoJ slq sles uelrg ieroos (('l(toul ol luBA\ lsnl 1 'arec ],uoP I '.Ioo'I 'Jerl punore se.,rd urJB rnod pue 'pueq rnod ur dnc crlseld uaar8 e perl no ,, .ltueleqcuou sles eqs ,,'a8ed s,puatr; I'ut uo uEuIoA\ slql qll^'\ noL;o ologd pe83er B .r\€s L, 'satlder eqs eJoJeq peles Jo slnlqlnou o^\l slea BI{srEInl 'pasudrns 'dn s1oo1 ueug ,,2y13 leqr16,, ((letls 8ul{ro.^dleu IEIf,os lBql uo qllal no^,r,res 1 FrB aql sI oqlN,, 'sdes pue pu€qsnq rerl ot suJnt BqsJB/{ 'reuurp ot u^dop Eurttrs er,Leql se lr18ru eug 'srqt qlr.4d urelqord ,{ue sees JaqlIeN 'd.urd tou sB&\ rel{to eqt q3lq^a ol uollBlu -ro;ui peards a^Bq qtoq pue 'stercas rlegt a^BI{ qlog 'raglo eql ro; uosrad PEq (sa^lesueqt tnoqe slIBlaP el€ulllul ot-o8 dreruud agt se selJas Jeqtlau PUE Suuegs;o asodrnd eqt roJ elqqnq aldnoc rlel{t ep}stno srar{to ot Suto8 ol Peurol

-snrre ere rllog 'slstderaqroqcdsd e]€Jedes uolsEf,so uo uola pue 'san8eal -1oc 'spueu; Jo ruJoJ arlt uI lesunoo u.tto rlaql uIEleJ ErIsJ€lAI PUE uelrg qloq :leru lsrrJ [eq] acurs Sut.r,rarq ueag setl tualqord euo lng 'e^ol uI gcntu dra,L ore uerlg pue eqsrel{ 'stunocce 11u [g 'd;essarau Jeleueq^\ s,tratidau Pu€ secelu .rrer{t ol slua;ed eteSo.rrns alqrssod tseq Jqt se ur Sutpue:s or PUE-I A T sreerer r^nredser rarlt ol sr^lesuaqr pel.rluulor Aeqt 'sselpllt{t l/ \l V I

,tlleuorruerul's;eaL

o,Lleznt

ro; reqleSot uoeq e^Eq uetrg PuB Bt{sJB

raqlouv euo ot elqelB^v urBurau ol ^aoH

:oldoed

oroo eql

9 UlrdVHf

WIRED FOR LOVE "I do," Marsha acknowledges. "You don't have to know everything about "Nope,"

"\7ell, there are certair-r i:ri

keep things private, too. I thrr,.

me, do you?" says

Brain. "You're right, I don't."

They eat in siience for a few moments. "So,"

says Marsha, "who's

that

woman?"

Brian gives a short laugh. "You don't have to know everything about me, either," he says, "do you?"

For a second Marsha looks taken aback. Then she joins his laugh. And the issue is dropped...at least for the time being.

open books." \il/e therapists keep an ea:

of things being kept prir ait :. tionships, which is char.iLrc:ti.

years, Marsha has been conr;, ::

crisis is pushing her to seek :.n

"'Why can't

I kno*- rl-re

persists.

"They understar-rd thir-i:s

THE BESTTTTS OF FEETTNC TETHERED TO ANOTHER PTRSON I mentioned, trouble has been brewing for Brian and Marsha. It finally surfaces after she loses her job as VP of marketing during an economic downBut

as

turn. Suddenly the life she seemingly breezed through is filled with uncertainty. She finds herself second-guessing her career choices, relationship security, even the decision not to have children. Talking with her usual circle of friends doesn't provide the level of support she needs. Perhaps the worst part is that, for the first time, Marsha and Brian find themselves constantly quibbling.

"I feel like I can't talk to you," she says. "I can talk to my sisters and my best friends. !7hy not you?"

-

' "They're guys, for Pete's sake.

"I don't get it,"

savs

\1arsi,.-

"There you go. I rest n..

c..

What this couple lacks :. :. of securitl,-2 feelini :-

sense

secure base from which such a way

te-, l=-,-:..:

that-as u'ith

:l :i..-:.

feel a level of cornfort ani s.: nights. Marsha and Brian * : don't benefit from the prLrr..isionally give lip service to

tl-Le :-

they aren't free to go ro

trr-

.

might be on their minds.

One answer to Marsha's plea might be the simple difference that Brian is Marsha's primary attachment partner. This makes him "deep family" in a way

If Marsha were to marry one of her best friends, we would if she could still talk as easily as she would like. Things change when a person is elevated to primary attachment status. However, it

WHAT MATTTRS

could also be that Brian himself makes it difficult for her to talk to him. "Of course you can talk to me," says Brian with as much sincerity as he can muster. "You can talk to me about pretty much anything."

other person, if not earlv in

others are not.

quickly find out

"So then why don't you tell me stuff about yourself?" counters Marsha, putting aside her own pressing issues for the moment. "I know you keep things from me-things you tell your best buddies."

104

T.r be sure, mosr of us hesir :

i:i.

of mine once told me thar pe had traveled to this place ..: lament, if any, was about thei: : were sorry, or told sonreonc ... cioser. So if you're amons : --

s0I

pelFutuoc ot saurol tl uoq.\\ sctldels aql Suorue er,no,( Jl os 'resolc IeeJ ot elqe ueeq 1sn[ ro 'rer1 ro rulrl pe^ol ,{eq] euoetuos PIot lo 'Lllos alarrr Letlt pres peq Leql peqsr^d [ue14 'sdrilsuor]Elal rler{t tnoge se.tt tue JI '1uarue1 ro 'teql ro eceld slqt ot POIa^€rl pBi{

leql

Lauoru Jo tunourE srqt epetu

Aagt Surgsr.r,r tnoq€ IIEI ro^au qteap reeu aldoed teqt oru PIot aruo aulru Jo rotueur V 'qleep fEau a.4d. se dllentua,ne uegi 'e;11 ur LFee tou;t 'uosrad raqlo euo tseel tB ot paraqte] aq ot peou eq] azrlver ol ur8eq snJo lsoul 'arns aq oI

ISOW SUTIIVW IVH^A

s8uiqr

le8 luop lsnl

dee>1

noA mou>1 IJ, 'tuai-;.

'eqsrery sJelunoc,,i-I{esrno,r ::. ,,'Eutql'{ue q:ri.,r aq se.(luaculs qcnru sE qli.r. u

'tulrl ol 1l€l ol lorl lo-I lTr:l lr 'Je^eldoH 'snlEls lueuqlEtt: s8urql 'e1il plno.,tr eqs sE .\r.! plno^\ a.r 'spueuJ tsaq lari .r.l rutq .ar-: Le,tr e sr

'spunu rreqt uo eq rqEtut

tBrlt Surqt^re^a pue Surqldue tnoqe reqlouE auo ol oB ol eelS l(uarB

ur

,,,!1rue,1 deep,,

uBrlg t€qt ecuerolllp a1C-;:i.

du pue sretsts .{tu ot IIEI

r::

^el{l

,brlear ur ,,'erlr ot IIE1 s[e.tt1e uec no[,, 1o uol]ou eqt ot ecl^ras dq aar8 .lleuots uog tuoueq t.uoP -ecco Legt q8noqrle pue 'alqgnq aldnoc € Jo uoitrotord eqr

Laql 'uoucauuoc ernJes Jo pull slt{t erBqs tou oP uelrg PUB erlsJEI 'slqSlu pue sdep rno q8norqt sn ta8 uec tetit Atllnf,es Pue tro;ruoc jo le^ol E IoeJ a.^A-reoq dppar e ro '1put;o sse13 ure.u e 'ot>1uu1q E rltl.^A se-tegt trem e qcns ui petf,euuof, ueeru I 'paraqtat [g 'pue1 pue qcunel o] I{rlrl^\ tuor; aseq elnlas e Sur,req Jo (roqlou€ euo ot pereqtot Sutaq ;o 8uqea; B-^11sn33s Jo asues tuetsrsuoo B sa^lesureqt roJ atearl ol suBeur oqt $ sloel eldnoo stqt teqlN ,,'lJ

{tuetsuoc sa^lesueqr FuI,] :j::l tsJo,r\ er{t sdegra4 spaou aqs

rlrlll

-ut11 lensn loLl r{1.\\

1r

-

dlqsuorrele; 'secroqr laal:-'t : -lrrun qlt,t\ PrllU .t q;n.'.r11- : -u,rop lrurouo)J uE Bur:rrp : -. tI 'el{srejnl puE uei-Ic : ,{11euq

no|, 'uel]g sq8nel ,,'es€f ,{tu rser 1 'oF noL areql,, 'peaq Jerl Suqegs 'egsrel1

sdes ,,'tr te8 t,uop L,

cMulHrll

.(iel€s s(eted ro3 'sLnB ar,daq1,,

'ueug serlder ,,'puetslapun t,uplno,{\ tsnl nol, s8urq] puelsrapun l,aq1,, slsrsrad

€LIsreJ .il.roul spuer{ rnod s8unll aures eqt ,$ouI I t,uec ,{qr1t,, 'e8euletu raq urqtr.r\ Surrelar 3o Le,tl regtoue {eos ot ratl Surqsnd sI sIsIrJ leuosrad u,4,1o req,r.ou tng 'oot 'teqt qtrA\ elq€tJoJurof, uaeq seq eqsreyq 'sreed a^la.r\l lsed atll .roC 'sale^\ pue spuelsr :io lllslretcereqr sI tlrlrl^\ 'sdrqsuotl rdel Suteq sBulqr ;o -Eler

':-

puy

'q8ne1 srg surof arls u--,.i -

'aru lnoqe 8urql.{ra.ta

r\oui a l

Jo lapotu Jles-ord .ro uosred-euo slq slea^er ele^Ird

uorlou srH 's(u€rJg

sB

rlcns slueururoc JoJ lno JEe uE deel slsrderaqr elN

IELII s(orl.lA,, 'eqsre14 s.tes ..'tri,

,,'s1ooq uedo

lurqr

plnoqs nod

ere.r,r aldoed 3r

dlarelduroc

1

Suuoq eq plno^,\,

'ale,u,rd dael or

a>111

1

tI lurqt I 'oot 'otelud s8urqr daaq

sEurqr ulBuaf, are araqt '11a16,,

tnoqe 8urgr.(Jele .^aoul or a-\:'.

lrdo3d oI-oD lHJ

WIRED FoR LOVE relationships, I challenge you to interview people who are elderly or even visit

WInEo FoR TETI

folks on their deathbed. Ask them what mattered most in their life. Philosophers have written extensively about the basic questions facing all

In addition to the role pla.,',

Where did I come from, and where will I go after

can set us up for easy tethering..

human beings: !7ho am

I?

I die? Does life have meaning? Am I ultimately

alone?

How do we deal with such questions? Historically, people have relied on

and researcher on romantic lor-e.

2005) report that during couri,

a range of philosophical, mythic, and religious narratives to provide answers

neurotransmitters and hc,rmone

in the face of fundamental uncertainty. More recently, we have turned to psychiatry and psychology and pharmacology for answers, or at least to feel better in the meantime. Sweat lodges, meditation, climbing mountain peaks,

of the same areas of the brain :: as the uentrdl tegmental

sls2

,

(r,'"'h

and trekking to the North Pole are among the means used by seekers. But what really do we have to sustain us as life becomes more complex

in romantic love. This accounr: the infatuation phase of a reL:: mine are plentiful in the inia:'.

and losses mount as a natural consequence of living longer? Perhaps it is being

mitter, is in low supply. Hence

tethered to at least one other person who is available at our beck and call; one

romantic love.

person to whom we can reach out, whom we can touch, and by whom we can be touched in return. I submit to you that the most powerful sustenance available to us is another person who's interested and who cares. He or she serves

beli:phase-notabh anci. - . setrled serotonin is produced. Ther a:t

our go-to person, the one individual we can always count on to be there for us. Being available in this way is perhaps the most valuable gift you can give

wave partners, on the othei :-.

your partner.

These couples remain an\i( -.: :

as

in

In early childhood, our go-to person hopefully was our primary caregiver. adulthood, the go-to person should be our primary partner. Unlike our

:

Couples who make it

another.'$7e could

sa-v

,

the\' ?-:.

and do not easily and u'rlirnsi,,

,

early caregivers, our adult partner relies on the benefits oftethering in exactly

the same way we do; that is, equally and mutually. In other words, whiie our early tethering was one-way, or asymmetric, our adult tethering should be symmetric.

If you are an anchor you already know all of this, so please bear with me. If you are an island or wave-especially what I've termed (in chapter 3) a wild island or wild wave-we have some chatting to do. The idea of tethering is problematic for you, isn't it? If you're an island, you probably don't believe

EXERCISE:

Go Before you commit to berng tirt

helpful to take a look al !oLr :, you related to $o-to people as a the 8o{o person in Vour currer

much in tethering. After all, you are good by yourself, and others can be such

If you're a wave, you believe in tethering, but it's a rather childish and one.way kind. You want to be tethered, but you either don't expect it in return or are unwilling to give it in return. a bother.

1. Ask yourself, to nhonr il momenl and lhink abou:

far as you can remembrr. a Parent, which Parenl

106

t,,

LOI

suM su

1r

cjll suM luaJed LlcrqM 'luaJPd P Jl i(lMuJc u0A0 J0) unJ n0^ plp ru0LlM 0I'J0quouoJ uuc nOI su JUJ

lcuq lu!r.ll 'olll dots dtuuM

u;oI

,{;ree ;no,{ ur a;doed oroF aqt lnoqu lutLlt pue JoJ

puv dpllllc u su oF

tuauou

I plp uoqM ot'llasrno,{ IsV't

'dlrlsuorlule,r luoJJnJ tno,{ ut uos;ad 0}0F oqt

Futeq Ltrcuordde no{ MoLl ocuonljul lllM pllllc u su e;doed oroF ol petule; no,{ Mor] tuLll oJu socupu3 'sacuauedxe ,{1tea u,uo ;no,{ le I00l P olul ot Inldleq purl Auut noA ;aul;ud rno,{ .to1 uosad 0l-0F oql Fuloq 01 }ltutuoc no{ e;o;eg 1r

]]do:ld OJ;OD

cooH(IllH:)

tno ::tsI))IlxI

ur tr tcedxa t(uop Jeqtr3 no.i rn rislpllqJ Jer{teJ € s(tr tnq '3ur:ar r{Jns ag UEJ sJarlto pue }1es:no.' e^erleq r,uop [lqeqord no.i 'pur sr Sur.rerltet ;o eepl erll 'oF cr pl1^,\ B (t retdeqc ur) peurrar a-''.1

'eut qtr^r reaq eseeld os 'siqt

lc

aq plnoqs Suueglel tlnpe in., rno ofr{,,ll\ 'sPJo^\ larlto ul '\-tE -

[pcexe ur Suueqlel;o s]l_+aual aIIFn 'reutrBd irerur.ll :

rno 'reqto qoea ro; eldoad ot-o8 se a,r'ras d18utt1t,tr pue {tsea lou oP PUB 'dpadord rerltet ot alq€ l.uere [eql lpatuolr Pu€ snolxue UIBU]aJ seldnoe eseqJ 'snelcnu atlder a.utce ssel e e^€q ol puet 'pueg rel{}o eqt uo 'sleuJ-Ied a,teal puB Pu€]sl 'reqtou€ euo L[]r^(r raqlel o] PerI^\ ar€ deqr Les plnoc alN 'roqlouB auo qtr^\ xeler pue u.{\op tul€J dylpear or alge ere Aaq; 'pecnpord sI uluoloJes

a:et4ll''sna1cnu ay4nt eArJJ€ eroru B

elel{-storlcue

Llqelou-eseqd Pallles

'oJnros alour € otur pue esegd drgslrnoc aql puo,(aq tl sleur og.r,r saldno3

':anr8a;eo A.terutrd lno

s€.\1

.\ly-.:

a,!3 uec noL g13 elqen1e.\ rsoril roJ erer{t eq ot uo ssAJeS eqs Jo

aH

tunor

s.ie.n1r

's0JB3 oq.\\ p-irr

-IJE^E acueuatsns lnyra,nod rso': uoq.r,r Lq pue 'qcnol ur:

u€f,

euo

eA\

Sureq sl rr sdeq.ra,1 ;:e8uo1 au:'.r

;o lradse parrJo.r\ pue 'snorxue 'a,l,tssesgo eql ecueH 'Llddns ,!L0l uI sr 'ra111ur -sueJtornau Sururler € 'uruotoJas 'urerq palentBJul aqt u1 1n;pue1d aJe eulul e;o aseqd uoItBntBJuI el{l

pu€ >paq rno tE alqEIrE

'3AOI JBU€urOJ

l11ec

xeydruoc alour seuroJeq o-Ili

sIqJ 'a^ol sltueulor uI

sE

'sre{eas dq pesn suEeul

-edop pue eurlBueJpeJou q8noqlly 'dlqsuorrelar

Jo Jrtsrle]f,Ereqc os sartrlenb e^rtcrppe aqt JoJ stunorce

pete^rlr€ ere osle '(pecnpord sr aururedop ereqat) ea:r- loluau8ai lDJ,ruaft egl se qcns 'sror,teqeq uorlrrppe ur pe^lo^ur ere tEI{l uI€Jq eqt Jo sBeJE aruus eql Jo auros 'aururedop pue eurleueJpeJou sE r{Jns 'seuouuoq pue slalllulsuBJloJneu drotetrcxa ur qsE^\E eJE surerq ,seldnoc 'drqstrnoc Suunp leqt lrodar (ggg7 sen8eelloc raq pue 'elol ouu€ruor uo reqcr€eser PUB u^dorg pue 'uory 'raqsrg) 'lou ro"'Suueqlet [sea rol dn sn ]as uec

's>1ead

IeeJ

urelunotu Surqunl: 'u-.r:

ol lsEal lE Jo

'sJo.trsue :o-r

-

ol Peurnt e^Eq e^\ 'd1tue:a: a sral(sue eppord ol senrtellEu ; uo perlal e.teq eldoed '.!1ecr:ot. louo]E

11e

urerq eqt 'sle.tr8erec Lreunrd dpea rno.{q pa.{e1d alor eqt or uoEIppE uI

rage oB I III^\ ereq^\ pue

rsrSolodorqrue IErJos e 'ragsrg ualoH

DNrU:IHJEI rOJ CIUIAA

.'"

'uror.r

Surce; suousanb clsEq eqt

1r.,.

'eJll JIOI{I uI rsolu Pai JIsIA

uela ro d1;ep1a are or{,\\ a{j

]]do]d OI-OD lHI

WIRED FOR LOVE 2. See if you can recall any specific incidents, however small they mi$ht have been. Perhaps you had a ni$htmare and called for your mother. Maybe she trrought you a glass of warm milk. 0r perhaps you g0l a b00boo on the nursery school playground, and the teacher took you inside

and put some ointment on it.

3. As yoLr recall ihese incidents, see if you also can remember t0 what degree you felt safe with yOur g0-t0 people. could you count on themp 0r were there iimes when your g0{0 people let you downP Perhaps a particular g0{0 persOn who repeatedly let you downP lf s0, were you able to fincl a new g0-t0 person with whom you felt saferP

4.

Finally, ask yourself what your relati0nship is tOday with the most important g0-t0 people from your childhood. Are you still in clOse toLtchP Do you

still go to them for anYthingP

Brian is 100 percent faithful to about his friendships with other enough, and therefore he rvouli harmless they might

be-if

she '

In a secure relationship'

:-.

having to do with moner, s-r t threat ro one's partner-i' :

.

t:J' know each other. Their gLrai :: : ship. Even if this is not fr':::r-: truly are with each other. Tl.', based on mutuality agrec

and grant permission to

'h.:.

ln this sense, they have j n . - :: be go-to people for each

lslands and wave'.

o:r-: r'r -r-:

\c' : r.. perhaps in the case of o . .,".

many different people.

primary partner

A MTNO TO KNOW MTNE Childhood is not elective. Our earliest relationships are not chosen by us, and 'We can't demand that they be fair, we do not get to decide how they function. 'We can't demand our that they be just, that they be sensitive to our needs. earliest relationships include caregivers who want to know who we are and everything about us. In adulthood, howevef, our relationships are elective. At least that's the case for most of us in the'\?estern world. We get to choose our '$7e can demand these relaparrners and how our reiationships wili function. tionships be fair, that they be just, and that our partners be sensitive to our needs. \il/e can also expect that our partners will want to know who we are

as a

coni:: :.:.

do islands and waves dtr lh:.

primary attachment staiu: i'--provocation bY that frlrillc: -.-

want to avoid this. By contrast, let's l.'rii ..: : everything, no matter hr*,-' ::,:gets them into trouble.

I WILL TTLL \.C't

and everything about us. But here's the rub: do we actually u/dnt someone to

Eden and David have e.: Naturally, simply making thr. :

know everything about

tee either will do

us?

If you're an island, like Brian you're probably thinking, "Shouldn't some things be private?" In an insecure relationship, the automatic answer would be yes. It would make sense to keep to yourself anything that might cause trouble with your parrner or jeopardize the sense of being able to do whatever you please, with whom you please, whenever you please. For example, although

108

the vow, because

it at all tLm.: they both k:

not tell anyone else somethtns'" go to an individual therapi': partner is not privy. Neither

r

r'.'-

acquaintances, and reveal an'':

60r '.t\ou)I l(usooP reulJed aql SunI^uE IEe^eJ Pue 'sacuelurenbce ^Peelle [prue; ro 'spueu; ro 'ur8uo;o raq ro srq o] oB 1p,,rr reqlreN 'L,Lud tou sr reutred aqt qcrq.& lnoqe Surgtetuos roq ro urrq IIot pue lsrde.regl lenpr^lpul ue ol oB III^\ reqtreN'reutred eqt Sururro;ur tsrrj tnogtr.^A

III^\ o1

suEeur

rl puv

'lla^a rueqt salJas

tI

Sutqlatuos asla auo.{ue IIet tou qtog,(aql esneceq '.tro^ eql

^\oul

^eqt rer{to eqr P]oq IIr^\ rpBa uEaru seop tr tng 'sauru IIe tB tI op IP!\ rar{lra eel

-ueren8 ro 'Lsee oq lllr ,,'3un1t[ra.ta noL

tr ueour t.useop asnuord stql Surletu Lldruls 'L11ernle51

llel ip^l L, ,ro^ aq] ua{Bt qcea e^Eq pr^EC puE uopfl

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nO

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ot elge Suteq l,-

euoeuros Surle.tele 'seLe

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plno^\

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\.

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-eleJ aseqt puetuaP uEt t.'r..

.

ol euoeuros luDot dllEntr'-- : orB e,r\ ot[.r ,r\ou>I o] lu:,i lno Ol eAIllsUaS Jq :l:u:-:Jno esoorlJ ol lo8

'a]qnon otur ruaqt ste8 tr Joqteq.&\ jo sselpreSor pue 'oq,{eru tegt llncr.lJlp ,4d,or{ Jeneru ou '8un1tl;aae raqto rlJee 1ar or peer8B e^Bq ogar eldnoc E tE {ool s.tal '}senuoJ ^g 'slq] plo^B ol lue,^d [er1] asrnoc Jo puv 'pll,n unr eelep8drue lagt 'reutred reql [q uor]econord tsetq8rls eqt tV 'snore8uep uos;ed teqt se>l€ru sntels lueuqf,Ele ^J€urud op sal€^\ pue spuBISr op

ot

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pue 'sn Lq uasoq: .1,'-

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rdacxa) uraqt tnoq€ Surqtlra,r.e s.uou) uosrad euo oN 'aldoed luare;1p duetu Suowe se^lesrueqt pea.lds ue4o 'pueq reqlo er{t uo 'se.tem pue spuelsl 'rerlto qcea ro; eldoad ol-o8 aq o1 ear8e ,{aqr puy 'au1Lu o"bourl 01putlu p rarito qceo ur ea.eq l^aqr 'esues srqt uI (purru 'uoIlEAJaseJ sr aJ€qs ol uorssruuad luu$ pue rraql uo JalaleqA\ lnoqlrn\ rarltoue euo ot sa^lesureqt 1lB^€ Leql 'rer{to rlJea r1tr.,n e:e Llnrl ^]ateldruoc laqt oqm aq uer [eqi 'p1.ro,r ap]stno oqt ur elqrssod rou s] s]rlt Ji ua^fl 'dlqs -uou€lal aql urqtt.{\ se^lasureqt eq ot qtoq rol sr leo8 raqJ '.reqto qJEa ^\ou1 ,!1n; daqt Jl ernres orour puE reJES IeeJ 1p,rn [eqt eer8e Llrpn]nu uo peseg drgsuouelar B ur sJeuued 'elrlJnpoJdrelunoc sr-raulred s.auo ol lueJql elqe^raJuoc lue ua.te Jo 'sJua.te ]n;etueqs '[]rlenxas 'Lauoru qtr^\ op ot 8ur^Bq Jarllar{iA-sluerulredruoc ale,Lrrd Suruielureru'dnlsuorleler eJnces E uI 'uaqf paLolue eq rlrmu .^d.orl pera^oJsrp aqs Jr-aq rq8rur Larll ssalureq

re,la,trog-sdlqspuerg asorp dn a,r.r8 ot a^eq plno^\ aq eJoJererlt pue 'q8noue urlq ]snrt t.useop eqs pr€UB sr eH 'ueruo,^A reqlo qrrm sdnlspuerg srr{ tnoqe sletap urEtref, req ruog sdael eq 'eqsreyrq ot InJqtlBJ tuecrad 00I $ uerrg

no^ o0 6lllcnol asoll Lr _: lsout dril rllt\\ : l

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1001

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: pallpt :.,: i; .,

llt?uJS .lo \J \\r_

^oql

,,

lrdord oI-oD lHJ

WIRED FOR LOVE "I had a weird experience today, and I'm afraid it makes me seem like a bad person," Eden says as she sits on the toilet with the door open, talking to

Rather than reacting

:,-:: :

-

and security.

David, who's combing his hair. I know this may sound strange and even

a

bit disgusting, but in my expe-

rience as a couple therapist, I have found that partners who

I

fear-how to do

delicately?-going to the bathroom in front of each other also fear telling each other everything. I haven't done any hard research on this; it's simply anecdotal evidence. Certainly, plenty of partners who don't tell each say this

other everything have no such inhibitions. But the reverse seems true enough.

I've also found this to be the case for partners who fear breathing on each other or anything else that feels too private. But let's return to our couple. "Yeah? Tell me about it," David says with interest.

"l

was

in line at the market behind this old woman who

was realiy

unkempt. She smelled. I thought, 'How does a person get like that?' Really, it was repulsive. I almost shifted into another line to get away from her. But then she turned and gave me a warm smile as she put down one of those dividers

to separate her food from mine. I felt really ashamed of myself. She was so sweet. And I had no clue. Has anything like that happened to you?" "Nope," David replies flippandy. "But my day was uneventful. I just masturbated and waited for you to get home." They both laugh.

say things like this to each other," says Eden.

On another occasion, after coming home from work, Eden informs David

nameshe knows it won't

that a coworker came on to her at the office. She doesn't mention his she's

withholding information, but because

particularly matter to David. In fact, he jumps straight to a different question. "What did you do about

"I told him I'm happily married," Eden replies, giving David

a kiss.

"How creepy," David continues. "Is he going to be a problem?" "No," says Eden. "Don't worry. I can handle him." Because this couple are accustomed

to telling each other everything,

they don't spend time entangled in jealousy or issues of trust. They are able to get straight to the point, which

110

One way ru thir.i

l'r.,::... -. tional brain into nhi;l- - l help me to lrork thir.:. . : .-

sent two separate

.

as an extension of n-ii .

.,,

-.

-

J.;.:.-.. This notron r-ri r.\r. : . - Donald Winnicurr rl j: viding a shared-nrinl -: ,:. elude nre if I uere

.

:

psychic space olrnrar-, ..: -- therapy. and ir'. an

inr: :.-

-

Quite simpi-v, nvo b:-.,::., effect, lend and horr, : - -

'i

l-q. :.. more than eirher couli ., .

at least momentrrili

.

ac:::.: How might this ltok.

"Yeah, but I'm your weird," he says. 'And don't you forget it."

not because

FF--

comes in handy rvhen

"You are so weird," says Eden.

"I love that we can

AuxILIAR\

in this case is Eden's comfort level at work.

.

Take the example rrr Z:.:': ple who tend to argr,re ab,,,r,

I

reeking of cigarettes.

"Did you smoke again. "Yeah, Idid," Zane

!

r.:.r,'

"Zanel" Bobby snaps. "Yeah, I know I smell,"

"l

.-.',

thought you \\creT:

plaintively.

"No, I never said that. Yi I would try not to do it aroun,

r

we agreed."

"Yeah, yeah," Bobb,,, mutt,

III 'srellnul ^qqog,,'t1ee,('t1eatr,, a,u ,,'Paar8e

teilt uO 'plp I ueq^\ tI lnoge eII lou pue noL Punore ll I ireqr pres nol 'leql prEs ID

'aue7 san8re ,,'eeJ8€ l,uPiP

oP ol lou

[r]

PIno^A

I

pres renau 1 'o51,, 'L1a.tuute1d

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'>lro^{ lE ie^el uoJruoc s.uepE

ot elge a;e deql'tsnnjo

s

sonssl

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tnoq€ op nol, ptp tegl(\,, .uous:

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srrll

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{uo qtu\ Plnol laqlle u€ql

eroru

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1

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_

E

lrdord oJ-oD lHI

WIRED FOR LOVE Though this may not sound like a good resolution, the fact that Zane didn't hesitate to admit what he had done is in keeping with their agreement to tell each other only the truth. It provides a basis from which they can work together, in a shared-mind space, toward Zane's smoking cessation-if that is in fact what he really wants.

Or take a different example. Charlotte and Toby, a couple in their late fifties, find themselves with increasing responsibilities for two sets of aging parents. Late one night, after they have gone to bed, Helen receives a phone call from her father, who explains that her mother fell in the bathroom and is now on her way to the emergency room with a suspected broken hip. Charlotte gets dressed, then wakes Toby. "Mom needs me," she says, and explains she is driving to the hospital. She kisses him goodbye, but Toby is swinging his feet to the side of the bed. "I'm coming with you." "Really?" she says. "I thought you have an early meeting." "Don't worry, I'll call in if it looks like I might be late," he says. "You'll have your hands full with your dad at the hospital, especially if your mom needs surgery."

'At

is so much better."

EXERCISE: This one is for those of \oLt

\,,

ingir" You probably resporrd i

unless you are brain dead. tl you're game, try this little e\€r .1.

Agree that you and roLrr

ing it, "What are \oLt li

2.

i

The other musl ans\\er i'

worry al]out signiircar:rthat. lf you're thinking

a

3. Practice until both oi \r:rt So why do lhisP Because

Charlotte. "Dad's still at home." home?" Toby echoes, shooting her a look that says, "'What are you

"Oh,"

assuming Dad would har-e tc ir

says

thinkingl"

it isn't up to you to decide uh; the beans with little lhings. t something bi$ comes along.

"Mom went in the ambulance," she explains. "It was too much for Dad to manage with his walker."

"So that's what

I'11

do," says Toby, pulling on his jacket.

"'What?" asks Charlotte. "You mean go there?"

"I'll take the spare key and let myself in. If he's sleeping, I won't disturb him. But if he's up-or when he gets up-I'll make sure he takes his meds and has something to eat. Then

I'll bring him to the hospital."

"Yes," says Charlotte, quickly getting onboard with the plan. "That would be so helpful. And if there are any new developments with Mom, I'11 text you

right

away."

"I'11 be

you?" she says, shaking her head.

an agreement to put the rela They agree to abide bv the p one another.

Charlotte fishes in her purse and hands Toby the spare key to her parent's

I do without

As we discussed in Chapter l.

agreements they can make rc

napping on the sofa if your dad's asleep."

house. "What would

THE 24/7 Acnru

"I

was

A

,

related agreeiT

24 hours a day,7 days a u-eeli.

When

I

say 2417,1

mear.

:

line to the other. In other lr'oi.

r12

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tz

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de,tr Jeq uo 1(ou sr pu€

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rldold oI-oD lHI

WIRED FOR LOVE middle of the day simply to report an itch on the nose, his or her partner is expected to answer cheerfully-as in "It's great to hear from youl" This privi-

describing runs counter to

sLrn-.i

ships should function.

lege can be enjoyed by both partners at any time. So, for example, if you are my partner, and we're in bed, and I can't sleep because I'm anxious about the

I can wake you up, and you wiil be there to help me without any feeling of resentment. Why? Because I must do the very same for you, if not in that situation, then in other circumstances when it likely will be inconvenient for me. That is our agreement. It is our assurance to one another that we aren't day,

alone, that we have a tether to one another. We do this for each other because we want to. We do it because we can. And because we appreciate how loved and secure it makes us feel. \il/e wouldn't ask it of anyone else, and nobody else

EXENCISE: Mnp So you and your partner lrare

1. Throughout the ueek. ir',

would want to do it for us.

other. Jot down the

Now, does this mean everybody should expect to be able to instantly contact his or her partner each and every time? Of course not. If you have that itch on your nose and your partner is hlgh over the Atlantic on a business trip, you're unlikely to phone the airline. However, the point is that couples should Gel secure in knowing they can reach out to their partner at any lime, anywhere, and their partner will be receptive. Moreover, this availabiiity

moment. For exanrple.

nei$hbor's Ieettaqe'' parents.

0r it miBht

L

..

l-re i

to share a crimson slirsa include the manr tinres t' other to share ntonte|1,1t'r

2. 0f course, even if rou ha,,"

OKIY TO BE HICU MRINTTNANCE

Partners

re a>

tial for your relationslril.

works both ways.

IT,S

a

this working out for VouP Lsr i actually use each other as e,o-t your own or as a coLrple.

tou will both go Io \arir'

..

interaclions nilh sorrrt i,'

in a couple bubble who agree to be available go-to people for

reasons for going to

each other benefit in ways nobody outside the bubble can. To be sure, main-

ther

limited information aboLl

tenance of this agreement can feel burdensome at times, but the effort is well

worth the trouble. Partners who expect one another to be available 7417 are

3.

You may choose to reror.

illuslrates yolrr go-to neiil

and should be considered high maintenance.

In our culture, being labeled high maintenance usually is considered a -lypicalln pejorative. men speak about a woman as high maintenance if they

lf you and lollr

pa.1

each take a separale pirr-

\r

see her as demanding attention, overly concerned about her appearance, or

the center to represent

hard to please. This is not what I mean here. I am speaking about two people

Are you both in the circle: hanging out, or r'lhatere .

who are willing to go the extra mile for each other. They are willing to put in the highest level of effort possible, for their mutual benefit. They are willing

to give freely, knowing they will receive the same in return. They are high maintenance because they expect their partner to be at their beck and call.

If

I seem to be belaboring the point, it is only because I'm aware that what I'm 114

and your parlnerP Are a.r your charts and see ii rori

other. lf nOt, talk aboui it .

first to know everylhinq

r>

SII

0rll sB luauocPld JnO^ 0s u?LlD Jn0^ Llcua JoJ oldoad 0l-0F ,{rurur.rd

'p0lJuulc sl Fulul^ro^o M0ul 01 lsrl} A BJpoJ puu ll ln0qB llul 'lOu ll Jalll0

alll aq 0l readdB

no,{ 3t oas puu

slluqc lno,{

eruclruo3 iraul;ud rno,{ q1t,u uotillodtuoc ul ,{uu ely 6leu1;ud lno,{ puu 0l uorlulal ur aldoed asolll oJu oJoLlM JanaluqM J0 'lno Fulfiuuil

1;asrno,{

'FuldtssoF 'd1eq ro1 oF no,{ uoll^ 0t sreqlo ppv cjolcJlc oql ul qloq no,{ ely 'no,{ o1 uotluler ur ;auued lno,{ eculd ,ttop '};esrno,{ luasolda; 01 Joluoc 0Ll1 ut olcJlc Flq u Fulnnurp ,{q tluts puu radud 1o acetd alu;udes u

alel

Llclla

uuc no,{ .raqteFot astcJoxo slqt Fulop eru lauuud rnoA puu no,{ ;; 'IJoMlou ot-oF tno,{ solpJlsnlll €lup ot-oF tno,{ (azl.tuuuns to) ploca; 0l as00tl3 ,{uu no1 'g

luql Uuqc

r? ur

'eldoad ofoF ,{ppuocas s,;auuud rno,{ lnoqu uollutllJoJul p01!u!l 'uaLll 01 FuloF ;oJ suospaJ

enuq ,{uru no,{ 'u,uo rno,{ uo sllll Fulop el,no,{

11

,,01

ll

uoAO 'osJnoJ

n

pur? aJos JoJ qnJIcEq

ll olutu'loom

lU(I lBrl^\ lEql eJE.4d€ Ur(I esnEt 'ller {raq rrer{t tE aq ol

I

PUE

g8rq e.le

Laql 'urnter ur Laql

Surtpan ere

Laql

aruE!

'.raq:

€ pereprsuor sr Lllensn erueu:

-ureru 'arns eq oJ 'uEJ eiqqnq

I]NVNEJ.NIVl

'Z

01 J0q10

lruq"iln.on slq]'re.r'oeropl'a,, 'erurl due le raulred lrelt 01 lnL soldnor teLll sl tutod aqt ':r.rr'

oLlM oplcap 0l puu 'Ful,{uld sl raFuueet s,roqqFlau ll 'a;duuxe Jol 'luotuotu

sao!,, no,{ J0 ouo otuli Llceo olou

'trJaueq Ientn

ur tnd ot 8urty,r,r. ere

eldoad o^d.t tnoqB Surleeds rue

lo 'eluereedde reg tnoqe peul Ier{t JI aJueuelureur q8rq se u

eR Llbz olgelre^€ eg ot reqto IIaA\ sr uoJJe aqt tnq 'serun te

ro; aldoed or-o8 algepeAe arl

rno,{ puu 'llom sB 'oldoed ol-oF ,{.tupuocas osatll J0 0tu0s tlllM suollcuJolul olou al€l,\ 'loom aql tnoqFnotLlt sJslllo sllolJun ot oF qloq 111,m no,{ rno,{ 3o

'eldoacl ot-oF ,fuutuud s,Jotllo tlcuo oq ot peorFu eneq no,{

'secual;edxa 'zi;;ts seLulleuos ',{lelueuou oiutls

Llc€a 0l oF I puu aJ,r,t ,{ru tuL{t ,{up erlt tnoLlFno;Lll sau!1 ,{uuu eql apnlcul plnom lsrl ,{6 'nnopuqnn uoqDltl aLll tuoJ1 olqlst^ lasuns uosLulJJ E oJutls 0l u leF ot oq lllFltu 1t tg 'sluerud

J0 'sJoplnoqs asuol

srq o1 leods plnoqs

ssaursnq B uo

rno,{ crsnu pnol 0Lll lnoqu u1u1druoc 0l 0q lqptu

aql lnoLlfinoJql

Jrluellv

oL{1 JO.\rr

e,teq no,{ JI 'tou esrnof JO .:'. .lluelsur ot alqe ag ot t:edr:

oul ur luuu0dr"ut s;eal lsnI iutll FutLl]ouros ro dlqsuotlu;al ;no,{ J0J lull -uenbasuoc FurLlleuos aq uuc 11 'os Furop JoJ uosual oql um0p l0l 'JaLl]o 0rll

'L

'eldnoc u su Jo u,uo ;no,{

u0 Joritra osroJoxa sllll 0p uuc no^ 'aldood 01-0F su Jotllo tlcuo esn

,{;;un1cu

noA ntoq tnoqu oJou tno purl 0l oslcJaxo slql asn 6no,{ rog lno Full;onn slLlt sr MoH 'eldoed ot-oF s,;eqto qcuo aq o1 paetfie enuu ;euuud rno,{ pue no,{ og

)uo^^JlN OJ OD UnO dYW :ISIf)IlXl 'uoucunl plnoqs

sdtqs

-uortBler .uoq rnoqe suorldrunsse JISEq rno Jo euros ol JelunoJ sunr Sutqtrcsep

asla dpoqou pue 'asla euoiue 1.-

pa^ol .roq elerca.rdde e.\\ osnEl asnBJaq Jer{to rlrBe loJ srqt oF

J(uaI€ e^\

lBtll JaqlouB euo

o1

JoJ tuarualuoJur eq ill^\,11a:11

.let.ll ur

:ou;r

'no,{ lo3 eues

\l:

Eurlee; ,(ue lnoqtr.u eru dleq r.t eql lnog€ snorxu€ ur(I osnefsJ

are nol;1 'aldurexe ro; 'og 'aru srql ,,;nol, ruo.g JEeq ot l -r.r.rrd

sr

raul;ed Jeq Jo srq 'esou aqt

lldold oJ-oD 3HJ

WIRED FOR LOVE 4. At the end 0f the week, sit down and review your experience-either try yourself or with your partner. Did you and your partner actually g0 t0

1.

Make a formal ogre€rlr often find that formaii',

each other as often as you thought you mightP Were there times one 0f

It is easier to hold to

you wanled t0 g0 t0 the 0ther, but didn'tP lf so, why didn't youP

when it has been erpi::

Do you notice anything about your secondary g0{0 people that you

might want t0 changep For example, when one couple compiled their charl, she discovered he had gOne t0 his mother about organizing his

:-

This aiso gir,'es vr:,'. or trepidations. If one

how you feei about t'e:r

dad's birthday party several days before he mentioned it t0 his partner. He

scares you and

apologized for this oversight and promised t0 keep her more informed

tether. Brainstorn'r n'a','

about his side of the family in the future. He then pointed out with a smile

be tempted

at

hc,'u,

to',r'ithhi-,

It can be mutual-',

that he could have fixed the stuck drain himself if she had asked him

larly. Remember the

before she called in the handyman.

you, darling" or

E

"\o,;.

all yours, 2417" can

r.-..

Develop go-to sisn.-l:

your paftnel ma\ I1r-l

STxTH GUTpTNG PRINCIPLE

you are

The sixth principle in this book is that partners should serue as the primary goto people for one another. I have observed that partners who create and main-

tain a tether to one another experience more personal safety and security, have more energy, take more risks, and experience overall less stress than couples who do not. When you commit to serving as a go-to person for your partner, you open the door for your partner to do the same for you. Then you

both can enjoy free and unencumbered access to one another in terms of time and of mind. In this way, you build synergy in your relationship, such that you are able to operate together in ways that are greater than

ifyou each lived

as

essentially separate individuals.

ir-r

need c',i.'-':-:.

or she may appreci:,c able. You might sar, "E:

but I need a feu' n-iinu., Signals don'r ha',. make a certairL gesrJ:. has your

in

full atterLlLr:r.

yours might be .:r

dropped so you can

:::

neej : on One person mar, :-

3. Recognize your

If you recall, this notion of "two can be better than one" was our descriptor of an anchor in Chapter 3. Our sample anchor couple, Mary and Pierce,

After all, comparer

acted as go.to people for each other and explicitly stated that they could tell

a piece of cake, rishr

each other everything. Similarly, by agreeing to become go-to people for each

more peopie fou C3i- :-:

It may

i,, ri

seem thar

other, you and your partner can take a giant step toward ensuring that you

relationship comes

become anchors for one another.

and needfulness \-.ru

Here are some supporting principles to guide you:

'"

','.

.,\'r::.-,.

lies the saving srace . I each other mav be 1-u::

116

LII 'spJe.r\et lBrluolod aLIl erB os lnq 'r3q8iq eq

rotllo qf,ea

'ecer8^eul Sur,res aql seu Jo e^eq reutrBd Jno^ pue no^ suoltet3edxa eg1 uroraq lng 'rautred,(reuud.rnoL qlr.tt e:ueuedxa noL ssauln;paau pue 'rtcuapuadep 'uortetcedxe;o suaPlnq arues eqt qlI^A sautoc drqsuotlelar eq r,uoP lng ',{elt }Erll ruees Leru 11

laqto ou 'es;noc.;io 'se 'paiooJ

2rq8u'a1ec;o

acerd e

rno.( ot Sutlela,r qltnn peredruor 'lie relv sr sreqto ol Surtelar 'raul.red noL aldoed erout li,noL ernJes alour eql 'uoddns ;noL ol d11er uer '1ee;

aqt tBql >1urql .(eu

notr 'Surueleerql ool ruees ,{eur uosred euo uo tV 'pereqtal aq ol Paou rnoL ezruEocag 'g

Surdler;o €epr eqr 'qsnlq tsllJ

'tueurour erltJo spaeu arlt Pue roqto

L[3Ee

uo snsoJ uec noL os paddorp

aq ot speeu eqa Surgllra^e ]eql uollerlPul ue eq lq8tur srnoL ur spueq s.lauued rno,4. qroq 8ur1er 'aldurexa rol 'uollualle 1n; rnoL seq leql raulred rno.( ol elecrunululof ol ernlse8 uJBlref e alBuI erls Jo aq

lo )iool ureueJ e elr8 uec no 'leqre^

aq

ol

a^Eq

luop

(("'lnoq€ {lEl ol selnulur

'ZLXlo elppllu aqt ur 1e.te

d11n3

Sureq

sleu8rg E

^\aJ

peeu I lnq

ar,noL azll€er 1 'aru asncxg,,'Les lqSpu no1'alqe

olut esea sdlaq reqr leu8rs e elercardde ,{eu eqs :o

:no.t aFI

nod reqt Suunsue prezvrol dats rlJee roJ eldoad ot-o8 eurocaq

ller plnor Aeql reqr parels .i1:r 'acler4 pue f,reyrq 'eldnoc,roq:' -ducsep Jno sBA\ (.auo u€tlt lat sB

pe^rl qJBe no^JI u€rlt letEal

nod ]er11 qrns 'drqsuort€ior lnc. arurl Jo surJeJ ur .reqlouE Ouo c_ noL uaql 'nod:o; eruEs orll of ro; uosrad ol-o3 e se Fur ..

.rnoA

UBI{I ssorls ssel ilera^o sruai-; 'Lluncas pue dlayes leuos:ad -ulEur eleelJ or{,{1 s:au-r: PUe a\l sp a6r.as pltlcls -oB t"totuu,Q

eq 'ecuelsur ro; 'puelsr ue sr reulred rno[;i ']f,eluoJ Jo Peeu uI e;e no.( Jeqto qcee tal ot sLe,tr e^Eq ot InJdlgq rl PuU.{eru raulred rno.( ^\oul pue no.( 'L11eniur LllertedsE 'reutred rnoL tllrm sleuErs or-oE dole,Laq '7

:

ill(

'JoutJed .rno[ elout uea t.Llbz'srno.( 1Ie uec no1, ro ,,8urpep 'no,{ elotug el{l Jaquieruag '[pe1

ru.L, Jo ,,aurrldue '8urqllue ]noqe eru ol

ro; oreq sLe.lle

ur,1,, Eur.(eg lerueC

al

llel

lI

0lruIS

;lesrnoL ploqqrh\ ot pardurer eq rq8rru nod qcrq^\ ur suoltBntls due elpueq ot sl,e,u urrolsuiBrg 'Jeqlel

rulLl p0lsP psLl 0rls Jl JIasrLr .i

-n8ar luaruearBe rnod ezlleqre^ ot SuIcJoJuIer Lllenintu eq uBf,

srqt Sururetureru tuog tl;eueg ot puets no.( ,troq lB PUB nod salecs ter1^\ ]E r1toq >loo1 'reutred rno^{ ot parerltet Suraq lnoqe 1ee; nod ,uot1 ssncsrp tq8rru nod 'el€nt Jo puelsr uE sr no.(;o ouo JI 'suolleplderr ro 'suorl€lrseq 'acuetslseJ [ue ecro.t o] aJuBr.[J e no.( sa,u8 osle sIqI

'ur rq8noq

a,r.eq

u

leql

'l

LlltM

lno polu!0d uaLl. :lr

i.. :

p0urJo,ur 0J0tu JOLI deal o1 oH 'J0uuEd srll 01 ll palrotlu.rtL

slq FulzluuFr0 lnoqu JaLil0LL . Jlaql palldtuoc aldnoc 3uo 'lr-; no^ lBLll oldood ol-oF

ilepu|:,.:

dno^ l,uptp ,rqu os

noL;o qtoq pue eperu dprcrtdxe uaag s€q lI ueq,t\

'tueruotu aqt Jo leei{ agt ur 'rete1 tuetueer8e u€ ol PIor{ ol reISEe sI U ua}o SuuBts,{11eturo; t€tlt 'qdruoo papp€ rl sa^u8 tuarueer8e

PUIJ

seldno3 'LIVZ teglo rpee ot elqEIIE^e eg ot tuaruear8e leurro; € eTeN

-

l0 auo sdrutl OJOLll aJa\\ ct .ot oF illenlcB Jauupd Jnoi ,{q raqlra-atuatJod\a Jlto\ ... .

_

.

lrdord oJ_-oD lHJ

WIRED FOR LOVE

C

Often, I think, we don't take the tirne to get clear about our expectations 'We don't get specific about what we need from our partner. of one another. want him or her to make you feel safe and secure, loved and cared for. But how? What do you actually want and need from your primary go.to

Yes, you

Protecti: Bubb Incluc

person?

This is a question I can't and wouldn't want to answer for you. You must do that yourself, or with your partner, for the answer to be meaningful. However, I can report what I have observed among happily tethered couples. These partners are there for each other's deep emotional needs. This means being able to share and discuss all their feelings, worries, concerns, and doubts,

as

well as all the joys and emotional highs. It means sharing old secrets

and memories. It means revealing crushes and infatuations and fantasies.

At

the same time, these partners are available 2417 for things that to anyone else outside the relationship might seem trivial or not worth a moment's time:

anything from the way your toenail is growing in, to the sound the ice maker in your refrigerator makes, to the latest joke someone sent you in an e-maii'

b

human. :--.

we are basLc.-

a

young age to move

tionship from rime us for threesomes.

.r],'e

r

r r.

r

r. :::.= .' tou:: :-,:,

wheel around oUr pclrc:.i: . other twosomes,

:-

. .'

r,hile r: j--.

This matter of tu'.-s,

r---.

,

.,

rc-:.. l dent upon our abiiitr r,. :. - -' with whom to form an ai'--: owner's manual to vou:

whom they can run u'hen

,:..'.

some, we look ro one Fc::

.:. :-

Yet we as couples are r. - - j

third ro be touni , objecrs, third tasks. or an'. r.-... make it difficult ro form .'r. J always a

inJaws, other extended ran:.

and even strangers.

118

'.

Thirc i:-

AI

(setue8

oapr^ (selqqoq

'>po.r,r eq uec s8urq] prtql 'sre8uerts uela puB $ue; papualxe rerllo 'sme1-ur

'sassoq pue sreutred ssaursnq'spuerrl 'sraqruaur

'uarppqc apnlcu uec eldoed plql 'eldruexa roC 'euo urroJ ot tlncIJJIp ]I eleul ro elqqnq eldnoc E uo epnuur plnoc teqt esle Surgldue ro 's1set prpp 'srca[qo prrgr 'a.1doad prlqt ueeur I pl?W e dg 'ereqtraruos punoj eq ot Prll{t e sde,r,t1e sr ararlt 1nq 'o,lrr1 aq.fuur alN 'Piro^\ er{l uI euol€

'elEl elBlPeluull Pu€ lJoJruoc

roJ sreqlo

IF

lou

erE seldnoc sB

e^oqE uosred euo

ol

e.^a

lal

>lool e.tt 'euros

-o^\t llnpe srqr q8norql 'patlcxe ro ured ut Jo paJBJs ueq,t\ unJ uec Laql uoq.^d. ot .4d.ou{ uerpliqf, SunoL se gcnur 'dnlsreurred rlnpe ue uroJ ot utot{^\ qll^\ rno uodn tuep

uosrad euo asoor{r e16'uosrad auo ot poraqlet eruoJaq ot

^tIIqE

-uadap sr Jno 'pessnJsrp a^.ald sy 'dtqsuonelar rnoA ol IBnuEuI s.Jeulao ^]unJes eql;o lcedse tuEtJodlur Lran e sr seruosesJql PUE sawoso.4Al Jo JeDeu sIqJ .{lptlsnlcxa JoJ peeu pue }o enle^ aqr SulpuersrePun apq \ 'seruoso

\t ratlto

urJoJ ot sn s^\ollB tees>lceq E e>let ot Llqrqe srqr pue 'stuared rno PunoJe leel{,tt

prlqt

E eq ot uJeal elN 'euroo ot eJow PUE 'sauloslno; 'seuroseerq} ro3 sn ^{\oq 'sed 'eru1t eqt tE Jeununq E s(ll 'eulll ol eu4l ruog dlqsuou

se-rede-rd

osl€

ll lng

-EieJ e^rsnlf,xe neql Jo lno pezeenbs Suraq ldecoe pue re^o elour ot e8e Sunod e e,l.r. 'uonuele s(Jaqtour rno JoJ seladuroc 'reqlel e se Ipns 't1npe raqloue

lE ureel

l] 'saluosolY\l Jolllo ol lno qJuBrq Pue leqlow qutq lno qll^\ eulos A A -o,r\.1 B sB lJels elN 'saLlroso,r\l ruJoJ ori.r\ seJnleelf, Lllecrseq al€ 3 \ /\ / t V L tnq's>1oed ur unr reqr sleurlu€ eg or seuu re readde Leu; suerung e

/

'll€ul-e uE uI no-\ :-:::: : -

-:'

JJ>l€Iu efl aql fun i :--

:elUIJ S.IUOUIOIU E asla euo,{ue

lv

ol leu:

'sorsEluEj

L-.r:--

fur i]

!'. ,' ,

;: -r '--- :_: - _: .

-

sterJes p1o 8ur:eqs su::'-- :- : pue 'sulef,uof 'se::- . '. :: srrll 'sP.ru 'i _ _ .-;-

srePlstno oPnlcul

sueour

ol /KoH :elgqng

'saldnor pereLltrt .'.-r::: - : '1n;Sutuearu oq ol l?.\..!-j: : l: i.i -i - -

lsnul

eldno3 eqt Surlcetord

no

'no.i rol

ol-o8 Lreurtrd rno-'' rrr- -- :;; 'loj pJrEr Pu€ Pe.\cl :::::: : 'raulred Jno uroJ-i fr?r : r -: j: -i; . -

/ ulrdvH)

suorlelredxa lno ln.-

WiRED FOR LOVE shows . . . and the list can go on and on.

On occasion, thirds can be easily incorporated into a couple bubbie. For example, ifyou and your partner both enjoy bird watching, you wiil naturally bring this hobby into your life together. But if you like bird watching while your parrner prefers football, it is likely to be more challenging to bring your respective thirds into the relationship. In this chapter, we focus on how couples handle thirds. Specifically, we look at how couples handle four of the most important types of thirds: in.

primitives are constantiv sour,l

laws, children, drugs and alcohol, and affairs.

without engaging each

to focus on an object or task. T;

it work, or a hobby. ur dn :ij with

a partner.

Very young children ensair

call it parallel play. arrd

it r, :r'

Several children p[a1' togerl^-..

.

c',ther. -l

they become adept at plavrnl

THT THnTRT OF THE THTRo

r

with the same toy. Larcr ::.r rhirds-as well. If aJulr c.',:.:can deduce that their amba.r...

Couples who handle thirds poorly typically do so before they even enter into

Waves also can fall

their relationship. A good couple therapist can spot this pattern immediately by noticing how partners talk about other people, and most strikingly, how they talk about each other in front of the therapist. These folks constantly

ple as thirds. Their prinririr

marginalize their primary partner. They betray one another by forming exclusive and excluding pairings with other peopie and things. For example, one

partner might take his sister's side over his partner's side, while the other partner is more wedded to her wine than to her spouse. Both form unholy alliances with their children. Neither serves as the go.to person for the other, or is dedicated to the other's safety and security. They are either unable to form or unable to maintain a true couple bubble. To be sure, these are not bad people. In fact, they are norrnal, everyday people who simply have never developed productive ways of relating to

un:r.

:

than islands to engage in p ..-,-

-.

.

ing a partner whom rher ;.: bringing a rhird person in: :. they shuttle between the r:,r-: endless friction and srrii.. : hiding. Partners who don't kn,:',', themselves continuallr- des:-:: run into particular troutle -,..,-.

parent, and sometimes b'e.rr:. . feei ieft out, lonely, insecure. - :

outsiders-people and things outside their twosome. They aren't wired for

on the failure to properlr- inc--

secure love. These partners may be either islands or waves, or they may simply

this is the problem. Usualli'.

be young and inexperienced. Perhaps their own parents at times broke their

person or thing he or she

couple bubble and inappropriately let their children in, setting the stage for

he or she may be threarci:::.. inability of part ners to etic.;L'. . is reciprocal in nature. Many clf the couples tiair-

later ccJnfusion.

OvrnecrtvE PRttvttttvES, UNDERACTIVE AMBAS SADORS Having overactive primitives and/or underactive ambassadors can make it difficult for couples to include outsiders in their relationship. If an island's

120

i:-.,

p.::.t

threatening thirds. See it i,'u , and find which ones.

IZI s(pue]sr

ue;1 'drqsuort€1or lre

alEur uet sJoPBSSequ€ e^nfP" 'seuo rlclq.4A PUIJ Pu€

SUO

el(no^ sratder.lc eq] q8nollt oB uel no^JI ees 'sprlqt fgvgel€erll p€ar ^peerle Surlpueq ;o qol rood e op >iooq slq] uI Pernl€eJ saldnoc eqr ;o duel4 'aJnleu ur IEcoJdIf,eJ

SI

sde.ule tsourle onp rreqt uI sreplstno epnlrul {e.tuce;e ol sreulred;o trrlpqeur 'reuuBru arues er{} ut drtlsuorteler oIJl Surualeerql aq deur eqs lo eq

erll

,^Aoq acrtou ot Surddots lnoqtl.{\ 't€olqt e se sa.\raclad oqs Jo eq Suiql ro uos:ed prlr{] er{t uo sssnroJ pe-,tel]eq Suqaa; raulred eqr t11ens11 'ruelqord aql st sr{l ol arnllej atil uo

SurzluSocar reutred Joqtle tnoqtl^\ 'sprlqt oPn]JuI Lpedord

.ratuar sdnleerq pue srq8r; [ueppauarBalq]

lo

'alnJesut 'd1auo1 'lno Uel lea;

Laq; 'acrlou s(tueurour B t€ pauorqtaP eq uBc 'qlog sarulleulos Pu€ 'lueled regtra 'uu8erlr rreqt oI 'uerpl1qJ e.teg Laqr uarl^d elqnoJl rBInJIlr€d olul unr uei;g '3uo1e eruoc oq.lrr sraqto dq paalqersep Lllenutluoc sellesuteql .{aqr

purJ euroso,{At rreqt otul sprlql Suuq

ol

^\oq

.{\oul l,uoP orl^\ sreu}red 'Sutptq

otur raqtrn; srop€sseqrue eql Sutpuas L11ectd.& 'e;pls pue uoIlJI{ sselPue ot spee] re.u-;o-8nt srql 'reulred reqt pu€ pxqt eqt uee^\leq eiunqs letp 'Jeuueru Suruetearqtuou B uI dlqsuouelet rler{l olul uosrad Pnql B Sut8uuq Jo p€etsul 'Surtoefar ro alqelle^Eun sB allocred ,{aqr ruoq.,'r Jeu]Jed e 8ut -qsrund;o sueeru

E sE

srq] op ot ureqt a.ttrp leru se,tr]ruttrd

'oed reqlo tno Iaes ot

aroru pue '[e1d

ialpred ur

rreql'splgr

e8e8ua o] sPuBIsI

se e1d

ueql

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ol

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srsrSologcLs4 'ror^Br.[aq pe]EIosIJo puDI slqt ur e8e8ue uatppqc

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,(i1see eg

d

WIRED FOR LOVE

marriage, Klaus admired hls i:r

EXTNCISE: Wuo Anr YOUR THIRNS?

had long Jiscussions abour p,

ln the last chapter, you mapped your network 0f g0-t0 people. Possibly some of your 0r your partner's secondary go-to people function as thirds in your relationship. I suggest you take a fresh look now and identify the people who most often make your relationship a threesome.

and Suzanne started callins,---. back to work part time ar

;h.

'

couple found themselves c--:.:-:

in their relationship. In fact, the probienr

Who might they beP

1. 0ther family members, such

-r:

relationship soured when Ki:-.r

as children and parents, make natural thirds.

flather

h.:= himself. Ttr be trri - - -

,

You may not think 0f them as outsiders because you're all in the same

usually start offas neuri. . :

family, but they are Outsiders with respect t0 y0ur twosOme.

nr'"rr.:.: role of third wheel in s.:'-c ,' nasry hahits, addicti.,n. : .. and remain bad to the si:t.-,,.

..

because one partner

.

.

2. Other common thirds are friends with whom you engage socially.

When

you and y0ur partner socialize with anOther couple, they cOunt as a third together.

:

people and things bect n-.e

3. And d0n't f0rget thirds that aren't people. What activities do you and your partner do that function as thirds in your relationshipP

,

Ii t-:r. :-.:.: or downgraded a. a reru.: : person or thing n'ill l-cl $7hen Klaus reali:.: : -: relate to that third.

.

As you make a list of your thirds, notice which are included effectively within your relationship. How do you feel in the presence of these thirdsP What makes for smooth relating with them from the vantage point of your couple bubbleP

that she diJ not share r:r.. frequently, and Klaus qr.-",,

.

:,::

in their family. Theirconversdtir':.:

:,, "l dont want hir announces the lra. inr .-,-

.

him here at all

IN-LAWS AS THTROS For most couples, inlaws come with the relationship. Initlally, these

are

parents-inJaw and siblings,in-1aw, but later on they may include daughters-inlaw and sons.inlaw. The examples I've provided here are of the former type; however, the principle is the same for both.

for him, I

.he

r,ruulJn

in their thirties, have two young children. is very close to her father, now widowed. In the first years of

Suzanne

122

v.

Klaus brist les.

"\7ith

.

:

--

.:

:

rl-r . .:

"\.

you, yes."

.

r.:r .:-'..:

l.ur

I haven't been happ.

'::

l-. -

"l've told 1ou." K1-u. anything invtriving r, r.' "Daddy Iikes yotr,

Suzanne and Klaus, both

:

r r;

Rememberl Besides.

Suzanne cfo.sf:

LETTING THE WNONC ONE IN

:.

anr rrr,

"He's m1 dad."

--

'

. ..

-

.

tzt ,,'se^ 'no^ qtJlN,,

..lau,

qlrl\

Lddeq ueeru no1, 'sellsrJq snBI)

yo s'leed tsrrJ eqt

ul

.p3^\oF

'ueJp1lqJ SunoL oa,u aler{

(('sqtuour xrs tsel aqr dddeq ueeq l.ue^Erl I

'

NI T

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l.uere^\ 11;1 '{pue; snll roj

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Jleqt uI

dSpJlLll OsaLll

pen8re Leql'tesdn pue dr8ue euJecoq eq'tulq qtl^\ tslg ar€qs tou plp aqs 1Bq1

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Llleraue8 s,t1 'a.tile8au auof,eq JI 'sau;ed I1B ot Ieuneu se JJo trets Lllensn ^aqr ro aldoad reqteq.{\-sprrrlt :srqt tnoqe realc Araa eq oJ Jlasurq reqte;

-s8urgr

s.auuezns t.usr

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'relppor € sE.{\ pIqJ puoces s.euuezns pue snBI) ueq^\ pernos drqsuouelar srqt 'ra^te.trog'qlog ot tsoJoturJo tcefqns e 'scr]r1od tnoqe suorssncsrp 3uo1 peq

Leq; dueduotr srq tno tq8nos pue

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OL|M

0ld00d Ollt dJttuo[]t DU?

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,,

i,

au0s ilqtss0d 'dlcl0dcl 01-0i

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rlssng 3rdnol rHr DNrrf troud

WIRED FOR LOVE "So you're unhappy because o{ me?." he repeats. "I'd be happier if you'd be more of a father to your children." Klaus glares at his wife. "My relationship with the kids is just fine, thank

LETTING THE R]

:

Perry and Landa, anorher

larly have family over for dinne :

you.tt

"Then why do they always want grandpa?" she counters' "They run to him for hugs-"

"I can't believe you're comparing me with your dad' saying he's a better father than I aml" "Just saying."

"Like he was a stellar father to you, right?" Klaus rages. "Everything you told me about him never being around, being abusive to your mom and you, drinking too much-you call that good fathering? I've never screamed at the

night supper. The guests rncl-i: husband, and their young cirr,.

history with Landa since 'be:,Perry approves of the sister's :, with her when the child i. ::-., However, over the Fdr: :-'. strategy for dealing u'ith

:

ahead and discuss what misi-.r arises. They agree to srick

kids."

::-n--i

:

=.

lot of the time, are you? Work comes before fam'

and maintaining an "us an* :-. needs to leave the roorr or qr.-

Klaus's voice drops. "You know, I dont feel much like your husband right

to make frequent eye conrac: :-i

"But you're not around

a

ily with you." now. It kills me that you'd rather have your dad here than me." Suzanne frowns. "No, I want you here. You know that. I just want you to be civil to my dad. If you can't do

it for him, can you at least do it for me and

the kids?" "Does that work both ways?" Klaus demands. "What will you do when he starts criticizing me in front of our kids? Or wants to tell me how to relate to my own family? What then?" Suzanne stands up, signaling an end to the conversation. "You want to be

i: ::. communicate with one ar, :: J: while they include orher.

Neither is afraid to use d rr.c-.--. sage u'ithout appearing nr;.'. It's show time as Perr.. , :

greet their grandparenrs r*.r mother-inlaw joins Landa i:-- ::

that she is alright and he is:::

says,

room, where they drink anj :, with her husband and s.-.n. .-,

As you can see, Suzanne is furious with Klaus. She resents his focus on work, which in her mind leaves him free from the burdens of household chores and child rearing. Although her father was a poor parent, he has redeemed

their cousin into therr rr t:. - the kitchen, and her husbar:'

the man of the house, you deal with him. And don't threaten me," she heading off to prepare dinner.

himself and become the father she always wanted. Instead of finding an effective way to include her father in her relationship with Klaus, she has let her father in while chasing Klaus out. Ultimately, because of Suzanne's poor han-

and Perry use eye conracr : widening glance with n'l-rici-. situafion, she gives hinr

th.

-,

-,..

After severai moments. F:-

u: .:: ;le

dling of thlrds, Klaus despises her father and resents his own children. At the same time, Klaus's poor handling of thirds has led Suzanne to despise both his

her tone shriller. He gets

work and his colleagues.

to her, makes her stop t-har

124

--.

she gives a more sustainel

sr.

SZT

s^BS pue 'raq punore sruJe srrl s.^d,orqt '8urop s,ags reg,m dols JeI{ sa>leur 'req ol dn sao8 eH 'uauro^d qroq Jo Suuit sr eqs tBqt ano peul€tsns eJoul e se,l.r8 aqs eturt srr{J 'ueqJtII eqt uI €puE-I uo sIreI{J pue dn sle8 aH 'JalllJqs euot Jaq

pue Jepnol eurooeq eJrol s(raqlour sn{ sJeeq dua4 'sluewoul IBreAes Ierros etrJo^EJ rerl t(usr

sqt tBI{}

re}V

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--

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.

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WIRED FOR LOVE to her quietly how lucky he is to have her. He can feei her relax in his arms. She kisses him, and he starts to engage the other two women. "How about we go into the living room? We can all talk together there,"

without the need to frequenr-',

he says, ushering his mother and sister out and leaving Landa to finish dinner

anything else. He feels he s:erto be playful whenever prrssri:-:

preparations.

On the sofa, Perry finds himself flanked by his mother and sister, with his father catty-corner on the loveseat and his brother.in-law standing by the fireplace. When Landa enters, cocktail in hand, she notices this arrangement. Perry immediately gets up and asks his father to move to the sofa so he and Landa can have the loveseat. Landa and Perry's strategy for maintaining

Klaus's work schedule, he is ie.,

Typically, Klaus arrives h,-:

rhe kids to wind dor,n ar

:r-

tr\:.'.. latter complaint she kecp. : : Klaus plays rvith bcrr Suzanne's bedroonr to J,r : :': greeting and attenrron

their couple bubble is to control where they sit, especiaily in situations where others use seating to split them up. They do the same at the dinner table so

deal with the nor.r hr peJ-.r: '

they can use one another for comfort and support'

the lilting music comine thr. ingly slrrill, he reali:e. :u:,::

While Perry is sensitive to Landa's need for comfort and support, she is equally aware of his need for the same. Perry's sister often gets the better of him, and Landa helps minimize the stress he feels when conversing with his sister. She knows the cues that signal Perry's distress, such as a tendency to talk too fast and increased complaints about tension in his neck. When the get-together is over, Perry and Landa congratulate one another for a job well done, as they gossip through kitchen clean.up. They are pleased with their ability to host dinners with their in-laws without causing fights between the two of them, and without causing distress to their guests. Because they do this so smoothly, neither ever feels like a third wheel.

lap as he srretches out r,n

rr.: r

the bed, he tracks the r','i;c, :

"Tirrn off that T\'1" S::-.-: can.

"l

gave you a fire-nrir. r

.'

of{ now!"

"Why?" Tamml' u'ails.'f'."'What's going onl" Klau.

.

"I told her five minures. :: bed. I'm tired of this same b:r: "I'm not tiredl" Tammr .r: "She didn't," Brian chine . "It's not fairl" Tammr''.

CHrronEN As THrnns Often couples who poorly manage thirds of one type do just as poorly with thirds of another type. How to include their children in their relationship is a particularly critical question for couples.

r'.:

to Klaus, "Maybe they didn't hear

if

Suzanne's eyes widen ar disbelief.

"'Maybe they didn't

heal

Suzanne gestures wildly. "Her.

Our IN THE Coro

"Okay, you handle

itl"

Su:

Klaus watches helplesslv a.

out the door. In that instanr, Suzanne and Klaus's children are Brian, age nine, and Tammy, age six.

Now that both children are in school, Suzanne is able to work part time

126

s}

feel they've lost the battle. Eac

when they should be

a

un

LT,I

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ueq.tt

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sLe>1

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allteq aules sltlt Jo Perll ur,I (('erurtpaq rsed Lpeerle s,r1 lrg8tu ^re^e ro; Lpeer te8 uec eqs os lJo eq peq AJ aqr pue 'satnuttu a^IJ raq PIol L, 'euu€zns slse snBI) ,,2uo Suto8 s.tBqlN, ,,;dots ot rerl IIet

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larl Iasl

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llgqng ]'Idnof lHr DNrr)rr_oud

WIRED FOR LOVE children-the thirds in their relationship-it's their children who

are calling

the shots, pitting the parents against each other, making both Mom and Dad

into third wheels. Trying to calm himself, Klaus sits down on the sofa. Apparently accustomed to sudden departures by their mother, Tammy and Brian climb onto

partner make the other a rhiij

prolij. on this and feel warmlv inciuit ofauthority, or forget to

Dnucs AND Arc

his lap and watch another fifteen minutes of television.

Many couples treat their alJL:

WARMLY INCLUDED

commonly, these addiction: .,rr

Perry and Landa's two kids are Jamie, age ten, and Sara, age eight. \7hen Perry comes home for dinner, he and Landa have agreed, they will reunite before he greets the children. To accomplish this, he often phones just prior

pornography, fl irting, gambiin

g

cleanin:

:

spending, obsessive

compulsive need to sociali-e . :r

to arriving. Landa then knows to greet him near or at the door. They embrace

until fully relaxed, make and sustain eye contact long enough to refocus attention on one another, and check that each feels adjusted to the home environment. Only then do they turn their attention to the children and

BEHIND MY

BEC

Klaus comes from a ianrl','

other activities.

his German heritage, u'hich sa:

Later in the evening, while Perry is helping Sara prepare for bed, he hears Landa struggling with Jamie downstairs. Jamie is angry about losing his com.

tion. However, according t.. iii culture and is a card-carrvin: Klaus is headed down the sar-, and she's worried that if he : exposed to his inappropria:e

puter game privileges because he didn't finish his homework. Though Landa

is more than capable of handling Jamie's opposition, tonight she is low on resources. Perry senses from the tone of her voice that her patience is reaching a breaking point. Perry gives Sara a quick squeeze

and promises to be back in a jiffy, then

into the room, stands beside Landa so she can feei their solidarity, and kisses her on the cheek. Then he says with good humor, "Let's kill him." All three laugh at the absurd suggestion, which serves as an instant rushes downstairs. He walks

adjustment toward calm for each of them. Sensing his parent's solidarity, Jamie heaves a sigh and picks up his math

book.

Perry again kisses Landa's cheek, whispers, "Good job," and leaves the room. He quickly returns to Sara.

Landa and Perry maintain their couple bubble by handling thirds properly. Just as they are able to relate to their inlaws without leaving anyone out

in the cold, they're able to include both children. At no time 12B

does either

.

quent fights between them.

"Don't think

I

don'r

kn--,.

become a different person u'i:;:

"\7hat do you meanl"

sa'.

"You become silly and

s1r,c

s

"l thought you like me 'h,, with," Klaus replies in his deter "lr's true that when rie r. admits. "But sometimes ] fee. -. you look, I don't know, ineb::. about me that embarrass nle. becoming angrier as she recaiis

67,r

reqtre sooP arun ou ']uaprJuJ luetreJ B sllEceJ eqs sE JelrSuB Sulruoceq

'auuezng sLes ,,;teqt op noL ueq,l.r tI aterl I 'eur sseJJequre t€qt eut lnoq€ s8urqt ete.rud Les nol, 'sn14 'rlsrtoo; puB Petelrgaur 'anou4 r,uoP I '1oo1 noL e>leru terlt s8urgl les notr 'noL JoJ pesse]requa IaeJ I saullteulos tng,, 'slIuIPE lno a.iant ueqrrt lBql enrl s.ll,

euuEZnS ,,'[uunl eq uec nol, 'spuerr; q]J.{\

'asuaJep srq ur seqdar snel;q

sdes

tv 'ualp

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aqt sa^€el pue ,,'qo[ pooC,,

's

qteru srq dn s4crd pue q8rs e s

,,'r1tr.,rr

eq ot unJ pue l^uun; ru,1 des notr 'l,11ls re8 1 ueq,t etu rIIl noL lq8noqt 1,, ,,'arotu[ue snely .ftu ]ou er(no '[ddo1s pue {1Is auroJeq no ,,

,,laoH,, 'sne1y

(ijueeur nol, op t€gl$.,,

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'-

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))vg

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'arour dueur pue 'ezrietcos ol peou e,uslndruor E 'erurt auole JoJ paau a.tlslnduroc e 'Sutpreoq Jo Suruealc allssasqo 'Eurpuads pue Sutddoqs '3ur1:oa,rtau IEIcos eulluo 'poo; 'SutTque8 'Surllg 'lrlderSourod pu€ xos epnlcur sJer{to 'lor{oolE ro/puc s8nrp are suoullPPe asaqt 'dluoruruoc

tsolqspJrrl]

sB sror^Bi{eq e.uslnduroc Jo

saurHJ" sv

rorrd rsn[ sauoqd ue]o .L{ il--_ elluner 11u4. .(agr 'paa:8e a.rru ueql6.'rg8re a8e 'ereg pue 'u:r

suolttrIppe rlegt t€eJt seldnoc lue1n1

foHoflY

(INV sDnuc

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raql

IaeJ

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'rroddns pue Surqtoos epptord ol le8ro; ro 'Lttror{tne Jo

urol\ rlloq Surleru :a lltur :

Suttler are oq.4.r ueJp]n{c

uorlrsod s(Jer{to eqt anle^ep Jo etoruep 'leer{.4l pJlgl € raqto eqt a>1uu rautred

pBC pue

dn lcrd ueJplrqo

llSSng rldnol rHr DNrJllrolld

WIRED FOR LOVE "\7hen have

I

ever said anything private?" Klaus responds, his voice

growing louder.

After a long silence Su:.:r: come between

Suzanne covers her mouth with her hand, and her eyes glaze over. She

us-for

me ir's

:-

"Yeah, I guess we do," sith,

stands there deep in thought, as if running a disturbing movie in her mind.

Moments pass in silence. "I'm asking you," Klaus repeats, "when have I ever given private information in public?" Suzanne shakes her head.

"I don't want to tell you," she says mournfully.

"You'll deny it because you won't remember." ((r

rry me. tt "\7e were out with your business partner and his wife." 'At that new Italian restaurant," he adds. "Right. And you'd had a few drinks. \7e started talking about getting enough sleep, and you told them I take a sleeping pill every

night-"

"So? What's wrong with that?" Klaus interrupts.

"\Uaitl" Suzanne responds sharply, her hand flying up. "!ou didn't let me finish. You said I take a pill every night, which is none of their business. And then you r.vent into detail about what I m like afterward. You said I raid the refrigerator and don't remember it in the morning. That was humiliating. They didn't need to know that."

"I don't remember

saying anything

like that," Klaus

responds

defensively.

"l know you dont remember," says Suzanne. "That's what I said a minute humiliating. There I was, with this sloppy, obnoxious drunk who didn't even care what I was feeling. And with your friendsl" ago. That's what makes

it

so

Suzanne begins to tear up.

"That's mighty nervy coming from you, who takes sleeping pills and doesn't remember the next morning that we had sex," Klaus states angrily.

"That's different," says Suzanne, choking back tears. "I don't embarrass

I HAVE YOUN B-r

Landa and Perry both i:it rheir relarionship. Rarher. i... ment. They occasionallr- e\ el.l :l are in bed asleep.

Hortersr. :'

tice, the other respects his .-: i-,. 'When out to dinner u'rth r:

time to monitor one arLc.ihr:. self-monitor.

If

one or tl'Le -,::,.

attributed to the effects tri rl,;

'.,,

or she will whisper into t}'re .,i:.-

the cue to stop drinkine.

If one or the other besii'-s ,sation with others, a squcc:- ,-:

with caution." Both Landa and Perrr' ..::: the other. Not only doe s it ..--:

it keeps them sale uirir ": -: , protector and regulator oi rl-,e -: social situations where

sc.n-ie:i-.-:

would have damaged an irr,p .: They have one another'! .:,

you in pubiic."

"No," replies Klaus, "you say you don't need those pills. But then I see how you slur your speech and act stupid. One of these days I'm afraid you won't have the sense to wait till I'm home to medicate yourself, and the kids will see the mess you're in. I even had to hide your keys to stop you from driving to the store last week, Remember that? How do you think all this makes me feel? Not only am I with a drunk every night, but you're not with me."

EXTnCTSE: GET ) As we've seen, Landa anrl Perf

other in the company of

third: \

1. Take an inventorv ol roi;i

uilh )our l)drlnet.

130

,,

P\prl

l€r aLUrl lxau olll 'll J0 o;umu l,uo,lu n0^ Ir uo^o raulrud ;no,{ q1r,l,l ^lsnolcsuoc sleufirs asn,{peor;e no,4 e;B saJUpLlC'sluufirs rno,{ 10,{;oluanur LrE ale1

LIoBO LltrM

'l

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JHDIVUIS S]VNDIS UNOA

TlD :TSI))IIIXT

's{treq s(leqtoue euo e.reg

[aq1

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s_

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spDI eqr puB ra^o eJ€ spuerg uaq,n lod e{ous ua.ta dlleuorsecco ,(ag1 'tuau -Lofue pe;egs ecJnos e se Surluup ,4d.er^ Latll 'raqreg 'drqsuoueler laql Jo ot a{u qtoq Lrre4 pue EpuE-I

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'Je^o ezeiS saLa ]aLI Fu:

0115

,,'8ur1uup s,t1 noL roJ pue 's1pd Surdeals 8ur1ul sitl eur roJ-sn uee,^ateq aruoJ Surgtauros tel qtoq a,tr ssen8 1,, 'dn s>1eeds euuezns ef,ua]ls 3uo1 e .rer;y

af,rol srq 'spuodsar snelx

rlssng rldnol rHr DNrrltroud

WIRED FOR LOVE

2.

least once. But many people

other's si$nals.

percent of women had chea:e

Develop new signals. Having a private language of your own can be very

effective, as well as fun. Children do this, and love

,

j

with an Outsider, notice the nonverllal ways yOu and yOur partner communicate. Notice, too, how quickly and accurately you pick up each

yOu are

it when you can't

understand their secret code. Discuss with your partner h0w you might communicate in tricky situati0ns with thirds, such as in the presence 0f in-laws 0r out in public. What, specifically, are the messages you need to

2007) in which more than 7J.J

definition.

iij

I'd like you to consider

bubble. Because both your anJ

survival-depend on mutual onymous with couple bubble.

c

S

But so, for example, are the t,:i

give One anOther in these situationsP Keep in mind thal your si$nals must be subtle and must be suited to your partner's sensitivities. lt would be self-defeating, for instance, if your

partner perceived your sig;nal as a threat instead of the friendly assisl you intended it t0 lle. lt also would be ill advised t0 adopt a loud signal that, say, led your son-in-law t0 feel y0ur not-so-secret language was intended

I

Emotional closeness

u;

out in the cold

?

Sharing ofone parine

V

Flirting online or se\:

?

Office romances u^r.:,'

?

Use of pornographi

to exclude him.

3. Practice y0ur new signals the next time a situation arises, and see how effective they are. Make sure you have your si$nals in order ahead of time!

rr

2+1=ZERO

Arrruns

You know the expressi.

AS THTRoS

'

:.

who don't know how to incLL-ii, plete zero.'By that, I mean :i:

Romantic and sexual affairs constitute perhaps the most obvious form thirds can take in a relationship. In my experience, infidelity is among the chief reasons couples seek therapy. The good news is that understanding how to

somes) can end up destror

i:.:

'

Klaus and Suzanne one mcre i

protect their couple bubble can help couples save their relationship, even one or both partners have undermined it by engaging in infidelity.

if

Infidelity has been a cc,;-L Klaus had an intense but 'ir,

You might be wondering, how common is infidelity? That's hard to say.

It

involvement ended after Su:an Klaus an ultimatum. He assu:e,

depends on what statistics you read, and cin how you define infidelity. The

traditional definition focuses on extramarital sexual relations, whether as a one-night stand or a long-term involvement. Using this definition, a 2006 study of 10,000 adults conducted by Tom Smith from the University of Chicago's National Opinion Research Center reported that 22 percent of married men and 15 percent of married women had committed adultery at 132

serious, and she shouldn'r ieel r: Suzanne's mind.

\7hen Klaus has staved e\, ment or Suzanne is feeling tions go like this:

inso

t€r :srqr

elli

o3 suou

re dretlnpe peDruuroc peq u

^lrsJa^rufl g00Z e 'uortrur;ap srql

s€q sn€l) uaqlil. -n8le u€ seq aldnoc aqt ro acIJJo eqr lE alBI Erlxe Pe^€ls 'PUIuI S.oUUEZnS

Jo ruecred zz )egr Patloda: er{t urorJ r{trlu

-esJa^uof, Jreql 'uoSEaJ IBInf,IIJBd ou JoJ aln3asul SuIIeeJ sI auuEZnS Jo lueul

ur lllts

sl tr ,latul s.read

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Sunir[ue o]ut PauJnt o^€I{ plno^\ releu

JI

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'eurll eroul auo euuEzns

PUB

snBI)

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Jo

Surs.1

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Ji ua,te 'drgsuortela; rrarll

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^tllepl-Iul sPrrrlt urroJ snor^qo tsoul arlt

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OI{TZ=I+Z Jeutred raqlo el{l sePnlcxa reqr '{rlderSourod 3o

esn

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Mor,l

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prlqt

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lng

s(reu}J€d rnof, pue rnoL qroq esnef,ag 'elqqnq

teq^d Jo suJet uI drqepg JaplsuoJ

popuolur sBM oFunFuBl ]oJJas'l€rl1 leuFls pnol u ldopu ol pas n0^ lsrss€ ,{1puail1 aLll J0 ppa}slji Jn0^ Jt 'osuElsut JOJ 'FutlBaJap-11

l€uollotuE A

:8urnto11o; aqt ete 'aldruexa ro; 'os

'[l11apr;;o qreerq snol^qo ue st dlqapgu] IEnxaS 'alqqnq aldnoc qlur snour.(uo -uds se h11apg ,t\eIA uEf, nod 'drqsrolelJosuoc I€nlnu uo puadep-lelllrns

fuel rnod-.4.tlrnces puu '{ta;es aldnoc -rno[ o] su€eur

ol noL e{li P,I

0l poltns aq lsnu puu Oltqns

Jri

0l poou n0^ soFPSSau oql aJP acuesetd ot.ll ut su L1ons sLr

1o

lLlFlu no\ ntoq taul,ted,uto\ l,uPc n0^ u0LlM ,4ran

'uortrurJeP

lt

0A0l puP

r.t 'slL

aq uuc umo Jno^ Jo oEpnr'r

Japeorq B Jo uoltou eqt ot troddns sPuel Peleeqc PEI{ uaruoaa;o luecrad

9t

puB uaur Jo ruacrad

Je^€el6) le.uns

y

tt

Peteurllse sllnPe

000(0/ u€ql eroul qcq.u ut (1997 lng 'eJuo lsee]

'l,1peorq eroru sJIE]J€ eur;ap aldoad .{ueru

rrssng Eldnol rHJ DNITIEJOI

qcuo dn lcrd no,{ ,{;alu.rncre

;rL.

;aulrud Jno^ puu no^ s^ul\ lpq"

d

WIRED FOR LOVE "How was your luncheon?" Suzanne asks the following morning,

a

Saturday, as they sit at the kitchen table over coffee.

"Oh, okay," says Klaus with a shrug. "You know, the usual pasta and Chocolate-"

salad. They even had a good dessert.

"So, you sat next to Crystal?" Suzanne interrupts.

arrd

he is looking forward ro s.-::. confession, he blurts out. "F- -

with other womenl

Si.:

:= :

tractive that is?"

Youhaveprol-ai'i

. .-.

"Crystal?" Klaus scrunches up his face. "Yeah. So what/" "How come you didn't say so? You think you can just talk about the food,

ambivalent about con:.. -- .: their ambivalence. Fo: K,,-,

l'll ignore-"

buffer any potential iar-=.:,

This time Klaus cuts in. "'W'hat's there to

say?

I sat next to Crystal. Dave

was on my other side. Relaxl How many times do I have to tell you: absolutely

.

Suzanne, it means lii r-: :' imagined-that she c:-:, : : -

Islands have

aru::, -

tends to offer an

eSi:.rc

nothing is going on between Crystal and me." Suzanne isn't persuaded. "So you say. But I've seen how she looks at you. At the office Christmas party, you spent more time talking with her than you

assertion of indepenJ:

did with me. How am I supposed to relax when you continually give me cause

cal argument in

to feel otherwise?"

t. *. .., . .:. .. over here. Suffice r; : . :affair will be a deal lr::::l

says

--

i

=:

:.

age their partner

"Jiminyl How many times must I explain?" Klaus's irritation is mounting; nothing he

tar',.:

:

to defend himself seems to budge Suzanne. "'We were talklng

about a report due January 1st, and there was no time to work on it over the holidays. The truth is, it ruined the party for me. But I've already apologized

for that. The question is, when will you let it go?" Suzanne stops to consider this. In fact, she yearns to let go ofher insecu-

all parties involvei.

2+1=NolF._-

rities. It's just that she doesn't know how. Tears come to her eyes as she flashes back to Klaus's affair ten years before. "Maybe when you aren't always comparing me with other women," she says after a few moments. Klaus is touched by her honesty. He wants to reach out, hold her close, and assure her that he loves her.

At the same time, he feels a strong

pang of

guilt. Much as he loves Suzanne, he is frequently attracted to other women. He tells himself it's just one of those natural male-female things. Crystal, for example, is a smart, stylish professional, and he enjoys working with her. He likes lingering an extra moment as the target of her gorgeous smile. After all, he thinks, this kind of flirtation is harmless. Klaus pauses. Why feel guilt over something so harmless? It occurs to him that confessing to Suzanne that he is sometimes attracted to other women

Affairs are ncr -.n' .- - : During the first tc:: .: -:- steadily but nor lir :: = - ..- , from high school, S:.= : - .

Landa and her : - -quick kiss good nieh:. r.-.: : First thing the ner: ":--

:. .

talk immediarell.

"l have somerhinl :. down. "]'m t. r ,. .'

might lessen his guilt.

they sat

But then he worries about what he might have to give up. Maybe he'li lose Crystal's friendship altogether. He feels ashamed at how much

be furious."

734

.

come al.lng. Hori er'.r. :- - - ..- . hadn't seen in rear:. r-.. j. :'

-. ,.-

Perry stared at her. "'ii, -., so wrong?"

S€I ,,/Suorid os eq

^lqlssod

PInoJ

lerll1 llnoqe Eurller nol

ar,ler1r1X" 'Jerl ]E parels due4 .('snoIJnJ eq

uI(L' 'u"\\oP res

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-rnof,uo deu.(aq1 '(srauued a,lo1 eldrrlnru) '{rorue{od;o Jo^E} uI lueutn8re 1ec 'acuaPuadaput;o uollrasse -r8o1ogo,{sd ro lecrgdosoll{d e a4eu sPuBIsI eruos Je#o ol sPuel JIBJJB uy 'drqsuolr€leJ eql uI aAl€A adecsa u€ sPuBIsI prrqr aql 'ureql ro{ 'suosear }uerel}lP [11q311s roJ srIEJ]€ e^eq

uE sB pe.^dell sI

r,uec eqs leql-pour8erur 'a8eureru Jer{ ol ltruruoc {1n; qllla Eur'tr1 sueeru 11 'auueznS

qfnur

ro leel regleq^\-TIEJJE uB lnoq€ ro{ 'prlql B qlvr\ uollceuuoc q8nolir euloq lE sraSuep lenualod '{ue regng 'ef,uel€^Iqure lleql uec eq os uedo suorldo stq 8ut.r,ue1 su€eul sql 'snBIX ro{ IanJ

no are l{tog 'seAE,^A sB suuezns PuB snBI) pezruSocer 'fiqeqord e^€q (.isl ltsql a411f,€rl 'plouered Sutaq dorg iuauroA\ reglo qlut

4eun

aq 'uotssa3luoc noL Euueduroc s[eu.1e ]ou ur(I 'Pnol lno 8ulfuc Jog" 'lno slJnlq s ag p€etsut 'dlueppng 'Sururoru ,iepuoy'1 raq Suraas ol prE't\JoJ 3ut1oo1 e Jo

'srir,: pue eised Iensn eqt '-!\oul

'..:'.

e

8ut.Lro11o-;

'Sururotu

aq:

llSgng lldnof lHr DNIrllroud

WIRED FoR LOVE "The {act that you trust me implicitly only makes this worse," moaned Landa. She went on to explain exactly what happened the night before. She

"l want nothing more than to be with you. You mean the world to me. But I won't blame you if you decide to call off our relationship." Perry was shocked, and he needed time to process what had happened. But in the days that followed, he saw that the old boyfriend was not actually a threat to their relationship. He appreciated that Landa was truthful in admitting her mistake, one she never intended to repeat. Nor did she repeat gave Perry a chance to ask for any more details, and ended by saying,

ir.

In fact, it was in part what they learned from this early transgression that led the couple to develop their method for mutual monitoring of each other's drinking. Now, years later, they sometimes make jokes based on what happened. "Don't leave me alone with that handsome boss of yours," Landa might tease.

"Oh, I'll be glued to your side," Perry quips. "l'll probably get fired for lewd conduct." Because they know without a shadow of a doubt how strong their couple

bubble is now, they can laugh freely.

reminders. But vou kn-,," something, righti Thel

Doni shy awal r'ron: ': thirds can csuse rru'rr.:

ol rhenr. Cb' Jren and in.lau.. B:L :' friends and othtrr a!I:. avoid them or urini:..stay clear

I

them into your

t\\!,- :

.

You might u onie:.

irr : With the excepri, n : probably are associ.te j level

..-'f

interest

this doesn't niarrer. R,: agreed

lo be th.r. : :

less-than-thrillinc,:-:.

sappi : socccr football or r you consider

the risk

of:ounJin-

-

L

..

it for your partner. .r,: *

SrvrNrH GUIDING

.till - : movie or ganre. c :.:r: And ilroLL

PRTNCTPTT

The seventh principle in this book is that partners should preuent each other from being a third wheel when relating to outsiders. Every couple will find themselves engaging with outsiders, so your best bet is to rely on a strong and intact couple bubble. When you are solid with each other, the presence of thirds can 'We saw how Landa actually amplify the positive aspects of your relationship.

Here are some supporting principles to guide you:

same principle h,

l-, -:r

'

.r.: :. wirh each othcr rr il- :,

ily, guesrs. anJ

1. Always make your partner number one. And say and do things-little ones and big ones-that remind your partner this is so. If your partner Gels confident he or she is number one in your eyes, it will be much harder for thirds to pose a threat. The problem is that we often assume

136

thal r,'u a. that if the King an* | the [and. lf thel r. ,'

3. Realize

are unilied aoJ :rC

and Perry have done this.

our partner already knows they're number one and doesn't

partner's enjor-meni.

need

any thrrds, \l'ho >er :iL;

fits from a couplc u

LEI Paau t(useop Pue auo eurnssB L[JnLu

'elqqnq llaql uI elnces eJE orl^A oidnof B rrlou slIJ -eueq auo.{re^g 'Jeqle8ol IIE eJ(no^ uarlrd euol eql les oq'^d 'sPrlrll 'fu€

ueuo

eA\

l€rll

e1rr1-s8utqr op pue.{rs pui' :nO_\

EpuB'I ,{\oLl ,t\Es eA

'Jtq.u

uE) sprrrltJo aluase:J

eql

't

laq'r

si rualqa

ag IIIM rl 'se^e rno.\ u: sr srrlt rau--

reulred rno.{;1 'os

tou pue 'no[;o o^\] aql aq II^a lI 'rueql uoJJo qnr III^I reqlo qree qll^A ere noL mog 'no,! ol aunlle Lllernreu lil^\ slad uale PuB 'slsan8 ''!1 -ruej poPuetxa 'uerppgc rnol'req]oue auo qlIA\ eJnJos PUB PaUIun are rautred rnol pue noA;1 'ploqasnoq rnol uI enr] splog eldrcutrd eures 'puEI rleqt uI alqell^aul st Suua;;ns 'sPPo le er,l'eql JI 'PUBI aqr

1l€1s1

ssorre lle,^d sI IIe ueql 'lirddeq 3ur.u1 ere ueen] pue 3ur;'1 eqr JI letll ezqeau ples s^E^dlu sr lt 'se1el .&re; u1 'rer,rod ploq aldnoc e se no'{ l€ql

p.t" Suorts

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11ltr

e

:: .:

rql ::'

uo,i1a: ,:-

aldnor -r::."i

\)Da wanatI

pf

rlous i.::-"

rno^{ 8ut[o[ue uo PuB 'lau]red rnod uo elBJluo3uor 'etue8 lo at'totu ro Atred ro puerg aqr lotua o] noL ul lI PuIJ l(uec ilils nol;t puy 'noL ro; eru€s eql saop raulred rnol puy 'reu]red rnoL ro; r1 leql elll Eulpunos Jo >lslr eql

lldI:

Surop er,no.(-proceJ uelorq letqra,r.ord

ro rocros ro

IIEqlooJ te-asnereg 2dq16 'eue8 Lalcoq ro II€qlaISBq ro lleqes€g teql ol rO 'luelol^ ool llq e ro Suuoq ro r{ddes reprsuoc nc'r'{

aldnoc Jlaql Suorts -\\Lru

ar^our oqt ol Euto8 sueaur i1 'lrred a3IIIo lenuue Sutqlrtp-ueqr'sse1 t€rlt tB araql Sutaq su€eur stql 'raulrcd rnol rol eraq] eq ot peer8e no['9 reldeqc uI pessnJslP a.u se 'laqureueg 're]l€ul l.useop slql

p,ral ro; pe.rr; r:3

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sI de>1

teql

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:'

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lI

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aq1

eq rq8ru

uagr. suaddeq,(es Laqr

ii j : ,.'srnL).\-I i:-t :

-deq teq,tt uo PeiP.t

s(Jeqlo rlJeeJo 8ut:olu---,:l

'rnrco ot {e1q s1 slql 'lce; uI lPrql .relncrlred € uI lseralul Jo la^el eruBs oqt ereqs l(uop 1 pue raulred lur;i retln 'repuo't' rq8rur notr rnoL olut uaql aruoso,Ad.t

Suuq ot sde.u

ot tou

rno 'raqlle 'sraprslno rol{lo roJ IJo.^A l(usooP ll lng

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jr reqt uoseeJ ol Surldtuel

iaru PuB no.(3o lno ssB uB o1eur '{aq1 ;lq8tr 'Surgletuos auL-n-ssD eldoad

lrssog lldnol lHr DNlrflrof

::. :-'

..

] lng 'etu ol

liuo,{{

F\llil','r-

tue,r\ L, 'SurLes '(q pap::; 3-;'; rqs'ero;eq iq8ru eqt l.-'j: peuBoru ,,'asro.r srqt se-'1:'--

'sJePulruoJ 't\ou)i no[ lng

d

C

Fighting

\Uin by Partn,

n chapter 2, I stated r[.' Admittedly, 2 scorv cir-l supports. The fact is. u t

,

itching for a fight. The balance you anC r',,,-u:

to-moment-basis bet',r'een'. tant role in determining n'her: war. It may be tempting ro :h:: --

be peaches and cream. \bu'.ments, no arguments, no ::.::.'. Sorry to disappoint vr'-. l tell me they have never I. --': partners who have createj ,

intensely because

thel kr.

..

before all other matters. Th.., previous chapter, as uell

-.

..

looking good in the e1'e. , :

wrong with these self-inrere.: relationship. Even a secure ;: flrom discord.

'ProlsIP tuou 'drqsuottelar

€ ua'rg ,(tiumurur alelduroc elEeJJ l.uo''{ elqqnq aldnoc a'Inf,as aseql qll^\ 8uo-rn eqt Jo slsarelul aql qrpvr eledtuoc uec [aq] 'slseralulJles uI poo8 3ut1oo1 diruaragur Surqlou sI eraql q8noqrly 'sreqlo ;o sal'e aql se

snor'Lard

'reldeqr ro lq8u Suraq se q3ns 'slseJalulJlas Jo a3uer e s€ llerd raqlo II€ aqt uI Passn3slP se 'sprlqt aPnlcul srelleru asaql'srallelu

eroJeq

asnuceq {asualut drqsuouelar rleql Sunlnd ;o ecuelrodrul eq] "!\ou>l ^(eqt e^EI{ oq'^A sreulred B ssei ro ^\ruenbar; ssal rq39 '{eru elqqnq eldnoc Pel€arr

Laqr aru

releu eAEq lerp enn s,t1 'snorcrdsns {aterpaururl ule I 'rq8no; lilog v Jl'neJul 'cl]sll€er lou.{duls s(lerl] }ng 'nof, turoddeslp ol eldnoc

-eer8estp ou :eoead lenledrad

11er

'srq8r; ou ',4.lrsoturue ou 'slueulnSl€ ou 'sluetu

jo elels

E

uI alll ll.notr 'ruuerf, pue seqoead eq ol Sutldural aq leru ]I 'rE'44

re8 lsnf nol';1 l€ql Iulqr III^\ II€ 'lq8p acueleq rerp o]oSrolaqtou€euoq]I^\8ur,ro1u1€ulelno'(raqlaqlrSuIuIruIelePuleIoJluE]

-rodurruesdeldsJoP€ss€qulepuEse^lllrulrdrnoAuee.t\]sqslsEq-}ueuIolu-o]

eq1 ,tuauroru ua.re-[ep-or-,fup e uo e]Fls reulred rnol pue no[ acueluq

'rq8r; e ro; Sutqcrt e^A are uaryo sa.ulrtuud rno pue 'sa'ttlttutld e^€q lle

(sI

lf,€J

aql'srroddns

Arecs e af,uarcs rfts ot rl€J s,{ {uF{l I euo lnq 'uor]rsodord "fipelrtupy rardeql u Joj tsoureroJ Pu€ lsrlJ PeJl^'l sl ur€rq al{l l€r11 Pel€ls 1 '7 're^^d

ool'ulA reuuBd rno 3u1lle1 Aq qA ot 1KoH :lleA SupqSIc B

rlrdvH)

WIRED FOR LOVE So, a successful partnership doesn't indicate that a couple have figured

out how to avoid all flghts; rather,

it

shows

that they have undertaken any

respective points of vieq-. Us

your love hasn't been lo.r

ir

:

necessary rewiring and become adept at the art of fighting well.

helping us produce facial

And it is. I can honestly say that if you learn to fight well, you and your partner will be happier together, and your reiationship will feel more secure. Instead of destroying your couple bubble, fighting well wiil strengthen it. Of all the aspects covered in the ownership manual to

unequivocal smile can comn.

This sounds like

a paradox.

Sound silly? I don't

erlr

rhini

used a smile or a look 0r a s:,

and communicate supporr.

Yl

your relationship, this probably is the most key to your survivall

may not always be effectir.

In this chapter, we look at various techniques for fighting well, inciuding waving the flag of friendliness at the appropriate time, staying in the play zone, being adept at reading your partner, not sweeping anything under the

many a war has been ar-oilei

rug, and generally lighring smart.

.

a reassuring voice,

Ir's ArL Jusr

Br

When you wave rhe i-,= You circumvent all the ancr-,'

NIP A FIGHT TN THE BUD Before we consider how to fight well, we might consider what it takes to avoid a fight. As I just said, it's not

important to avoid all fights. Srill, there ing wrong with nipping the unnecessary ones in the bud.

is noth-

municate with a single gc):u:r Sometimes when you have

:t

thing you or your partner c:.:. I mean that literalh'. Sr,-r threatened, and nothins .-: ::. until your ambassadors 3rc r:

WAVE THE FTRC OF FRIENDLINESS One of the best ways partners can avoid war, especially when distress is rnounting, is to quickly wave the flag of friendliness. You can do it. Your part-

As you recall, our Lcr: :: specializes in processing jer,:. minutiae that go into an a:g-,i

ner can do it. It doesn't really matter; all it takes is one person to make the first move.

and settle the argumenti Jr L:i

As you recall, the smart vagus is one of the most important ambassadors

threatened partners' mourh. l,

when

it

comes to avoiding war. The smart vagus not only allows us to take a

bly the amygdalae-ir

pr.'-,:

to fend off attack or aggres il.

:

and volume of your voice. Our other ambassadors, particularly the orbitofron-

ro amygdalae, with no evijr. tingency. What you sa1, it-r ,' ' when you and your partner ai

tal cortex-which, you'll recall, allows us to step into someone else's shoes-

amygdalae did to one another.

to signal ofthe tone

deep breath before acting, but also helps us modulate our voice friendliness. Take that extra second before you speak to be aware

is

So. what I'm suggesrin.- r.

actually a nonexistent threat. Make it clear you understand where your part-

and away from rhreat. If r cu -

can calm down our amygdalae before they scream red alert over what

ner is coming from, and open the door to a friendly discussion about your

140

WI rnoL tnoqe uorssncstp (slql

op uBr no^ JI 'lBerqr ulo{ '{€^\€ 'tqEu E parroq€ e^Eq lllrd no^ (oS sI SullsesSns lu(I IBI{^\ sseurlPuel+ pJ€rdol reulJ€d Jno^ rJlqs no^ lEql

puE

sl sqlnou

I

'lsaq sll

lV

'luaurn8re ue olur oE leql eullnulru ur sezrlerceds

^1.{Stq

'sulluo 13€q

-seoqs

ollrl

l

sropessBqure luelrodtu t lsc.t

:

SS]NIlC

rno[ p]un

ueqa saurlleulos

s(esle euoeruos

-uorJotrqro atlt lirelncurud '

suol erlr Jo erB,A\e og ot 1e:,: leu8rs ol eJIoA rno otBlnFc € e>l€t ot sn s,ttolle rou

{uo

s

eql aleru ol uosrad euo sl

-ued rnotr'11 op UEJ notr 'ss: si sserlsrP ueq,Lr. Aliercadsa

no[ sy

eJ€ sroPessequre

r\1puar

4red rnoL eJaq^\ puBtsrepun sr tErl,{\ ra^o lJelB P3I IuPr-

'reqtoue euo ol PIP ae1eP8'ftue

reulred rno'( pue nol uaq'r'l rnod s8ulp InJlrnq eql IIE rllpd I€eP ol ldruaue ,rate1 palunorsrp aq ot peeu,tpo ilizvr uollenlls slql ul l'es nol' req,16'[cueEuu ,,lrlpqrxag jo ecuePl^o ou I{1I^A 'eepp8'(rue or -uoc ro ,Ltr,*tearc ,[]rxalduroc 'uorsser8SE ro {J€llE JJo pueJ ol aeppS[ure 8ur]ceretur ere sulerq qloqJl s€ s,l1 Peualeerql sr esodrnd lpo asoq^rrr req]Elq ssalesn 'e8eqre8 'sleuued aqr {q jo tno seruoc leqA 'qeiq-I{Elq-qElq }o lol € sernpord r1-eelepE[ure l]uerunSre aql elllas pu€ -Elou tsour ,sa.{ltlluud aql dq pa}carrP-lsro^[ s]I le

a€rlnurul eqt lno lJos uer

Lllpeer puE uoll€ulloJul PellBleP Surssecord aq ol Perl'4l sr ul€rq }el rno 'lecer

eqt II€ glra,r saEesua r1 '1ecr3o1 pu€ l€qre^

Sultllou PUB 'PeuelBerql qtnolu rnol;o ]no auroJ uBf, enl€A leuosradretul ]o dolg d11erer11 rEI{l u€aur I ere salltlurlfcl rnol, leql ezruSoceg '8ur1eads 'dn lngs"'lsn[ sr oP uer reu]red rnod ro noL Eutgt a'r'eq no'(

e^rtJeJJO tsotu eqt 'assedtut lueredde uE Peri3eer 'elnlse3 e18urs e qll^d alecluntu 'rq8r; e;o lsPru aql uI enrl PIoq u€l eutes eql no1 -uror p€etsul pue 'rq8r; e dn eletu reql sPlo^\ [rEue erp IIE ]ua^unf,J'lc nol uag'16 'tnttJoqs E eIBl ef,uasse ur noL 'ssaurlpueu;;o 8eg eql e^E'44

'Pnq aur

-qtou sr eraql JgrS 'slg8r; pro^€ ol sa>l€l

11

1'-

lEr'[ \ roPlsu

-Ilv s,rl HVlg-HYlg-HV]fl rsn{ 'acto.t Sutlnsseal e seq re^r e

ueaq '{ueru pue 'qcno] paceldllem e 'alttus l'1puap; E qlrlY\ PePIo^B ;.r"1.q,r"n"51 .atndsrp peteaq B Jo rsplur eql ur a^IlseJJe aq s''ft'u1e lou 'leul srqr lrl u€J no 'troddns a]Eclunruuoc PUB r1 q8norp 'turod lue ]e anbruqcel ro ellurs B Pasn e ro

B

Iool se,utrtuud s(raqlo r{JBe rulec 01 PuEq arlr;o dser8 'os luql r,uop I Br€qr€g pue lned ,t\otl .t\Bs em '7 reldeqc ul

2f,11s

punog

alecrumutuor u€J allus

.rpro^.trn ueqr {p1der elour III.APooB leconnbeun .sseJtsrp s,reulred rno as€e uec lBgl suolssardxe l€lcEj aonPold sn Sutdleq

uV

ueeq ],usBq ea'o1 rnoL ur ezrlercads sropessequle raqlo la 'el+Jncs eql w lsol '.lAel^ JO slutod a'ulcedsar lueurJ€aPue Jo urrel TBIIIuTEJ u Sutsn

tErll

eqt repun Surqrlue Sutdar.r aqr ur 8ur[e]s 'etuu r ,(e1d

8urpn1:ur '11a,t 3ur tq8rt :' ,r . iI€AIAJnS lno-].

ol IBnuBru drqsreu.tro aqr ut Suuq8g 'olqqng eldnor rnr.' -uoltelor rnoA pue ':eqtaa. : ureel

nol;l teql les .{llsaurr '11e,m

Surrq;ri

:

l,ue ualerrepun e^Eq .\)L{: parn8r; a,req eldnoc e req:

s.^,\oqs

I'IEM DNIJHDIJ

WIRED FOR LOVE

All

mammals use lr.u::.. Humans are unique in rhar

EXTNCTSE: CATCH YoURSELVES IN THE BLAH-BLAH-BLAH

caregiver, at close rangc. u..: play endlessly, chatterinu. c..-

Next time you and your partner are locked in a fi$ht, see if you can turn it

ing mutual gaze. Mice, kitrei

around bv catching the ttlah-blah-blah.

and-tumble. They mav

1. Talk with your partner ahead of time, and agree that one or the other of you will catch the blah-blah-blah and make the appropriate correcti0n. lt

apF e:-:

any declared winners or lc,.::,

Rough-and-turnble pia',' :

is important that yOu agree llefOrehand and each take responsibility for

sibling who helps us disc.-r e:

changing c0urse, not simply calling the Other

We learn how hard to push

Oul.

2. When a fight 0ccurs, pay attention t0 how you are speakin$ t0

One

s

.:

or pull so hard, and so on. --, : ent, but it's still all in g,,.'* -:

anOther. lf you find that you're fighting over who said what when, or how

play than are islands anJ

one of you is like he or she was years ago and has never changed, or how

curities. This pattern can : -:--

,.,,..-,

s0meOne else agrees that the Other partner is a schmoe (aka jerk), ihen yOu are engaged in the blah-blah-blah of warfare. Time 1o stop.

3. Now make the appropriate correction. For example, you might wave the flag 0f friendliness ("Okay, l'm not helping the situation here"). 0r move forward and touch your partner lovingly and say, "l'm sorry, I'm making this worse" or "l love you and I shouldn't be bringing all this Other stuff up."

4. Once you have corrected, don't go back to the blah-blah-blah. lnstead, condense your bottom-line point and tell it to your partner in one short sentence. ReasonP The primitives can't process complex phrases, and the ambassadors aren't fully home yet. So keep your verbal communication

short and sweet (emphasis on sweet). Remember t0 altend to what works for your partner, not simply what works for you!

STRyTNG

IN THE PTRy ZoNE

I find in my work with couples that many partners who don't know how to fight well did not learn how to engage in rough-and-tumble play during child. hood. Rough-and-tumble play is extremely important for both boys and girls.

142

Tut Lrssox or Learning horr

t, '

couples know that a

pl ,'.

gc,..

j

,.

=..

^i::-..

lighr isn't allowed ru scL -.. of friendliness. Plar.

i.rrc:

is no need for anlorrc

..

lt

*: -. How do you do thisl E,..:Because if the arml ut Fn:. : So it's up to )ou an j message goes somethirrr , relaxl You're in love n'irl'L e :::jeopardy because of this iii:rHeeding rhis messagr c..-: first and foremost tou'ar.1 ',r a:. communication that inclui:. sure any fighrs take placc ..r r.

:

and Perry used a privare 1a:-::

I'm suggesting here is simLla:

during a fight if you har-en'r ,. how you want to feei and cc.n--:

EVI eql uo pllng .rnJf,o soop trlSu B uer{,{\ elellunultuos Pu€ IeaJ ol luE,^A no.(.^Aol.[ no^ JI lrlSIJ E SuunP tnoqB {iBr os 'PuBqero}eq 4ro.^dPunolE eql PIEI l.ue^Bq InJ^BId aq ot

8uta,rou1 uo lunof, l(uec

no

'leltuis sI ererl

3ur1sa33ns ut,1

^doq lile4 pue tBqlN 'spJrqt Jo ruorj uI eleJlunululoc ol e8enFuel ale'Lt'td E Pasn

€pue'I

,^Aorl .,\\BS

e,r,r'1 raldetlc u1

'spr8 pue sdoq qioq ro; luEr -plpJc Sutrnp Aeld elqrunr-pu

ol

1Y\oq ,^Aou{

'punor8,\puaF; uo eceld aler slq8g '(ue alns

t(uo.^A

rreql

dlgsuorlelar

lno

'sJopess€qwe rno/. ,11ern

,,'rq8rl sqr Jo esneJeq.{Predoel e^ol uI er.no ix€lar lreqrueruer 'raqlo qree l{lr^t\

,puet1 raddn arll sureS se^ulluurd;o dture eql JJ esneceg

rnol

1

'rerp

s,r1

tlepuessg

oP

nol op mog

[g

s€ lle^d.

^\ou1

rq8r; sn sdlol{ uaryIqc

sl lNO ON

sE

IIe't\ deld oi 'ttoq Sutureel

Jo NOSSl-l lHI

olul enulluor u€f, uralled

sltll

sPuBIsI are

'selllrnJ

ueql [e1d

^doq

l,uoP oq,r\ sla

1

e>leur pue .(eq te se.ulrtuud rnoL Ploq or s'{e'rl sepnlcu} leql uollerlunululoo rno.{ pue no 'r€^\ PJB'\\ol lsoursroJ Pue lsrlj ;o uats^s e dola,r.ep uec raulred paree8 eq or lcuepue] ol{l erl^der '1ca31e ul 'u€J a8esseur srgr Sutpeag

uI eq

',(e>1o ar,e7a,, :slql e{11 Surglauros seo8 e8esseru ol uelsll ol reulred rnol pue noL o] dn s,lr og

tsnf 'enr.trns ipm auol,rang ldqeq te.r,r s(I ueqt .,(ep

lsFI] aqr a Bs IIl^\ oq.\\ sropessBqrue 'resol B ePeul sI auo ou pue ',(rolcrn erBIJeP ol euo[ue JoJ Peou ou sI 'ssauIIPueIrJ ]o ereqr '[e1d 1o rutds egl o>iolul e^\ ual{lN 'un; st '11e rar;e '[e14

euot E pue 'pauretureur sr ssauln;le1d Jo osuas y ''(i8n re8 or pe'rlo11e l,us rq8g saldnoc 'auoz [e1d 3rl] uIqlIA slels iq8g poo8 e ]eql aqt ueeru

elnras 'sllnPB

){1SO'I V

^V]d

'oJII ret€l

-asul laqt Aq >1caqc uI PIeq eq ol Puel oqnt 'sa'Len Pu€ (lua Jraqt ur roag ere ue4o sJoqJue 'srals8unol sV 'un] poo8 ur IIe illls s.li lnq -serd eq [eur ]urds a,ulrladruoc Jo aar8ep ul€uaf, V 'uo os pue 'preq os 11nd ro '1ind pue qsnd ol Pr€tl ^d'oq ureel alN qsnd or tou uosrad reqlo al{l IIal ol 'Lpoq s,raqloue uo lcBduII Jno pu€ ql8uerls Jno reAoJsIP sn sdleq oq'tt Suttqts e qlr^A uego 'ralel sauroc l,llereue8 suerunq ro; '(e1d alqtunr-pue'q8nog 'sresol ro sJeuul.t\ pa;e1lap ,{ue

tnoqlr^d-unj poo8 ur 11e s,ll lnq 'elllequl Pelrol readde 'fttu

in0 \

slJ0M 1€rlM 0l puallu

01 .rarlrrii

uorluilunuuor JilO\ c lpqJa\ xo;druot ssa

aLIl puu 'soseJlld

u0rls duO u! JduuPd Jno\ o. 'pEalsul 'r-lBlq-qBlq-qulq arll ,,'dn

gnls Jaqlo srql ;;u !rir-"'Lri,tL

Purleu u,; 'i.uos rr.l.. '\p\ a^Ou J0 '(,,ereq uollPn]rs a-;l [

aql

oAuM

lr.lFru n0^ 'aldruP\r

'dols ol aurl'aJPl,r? uotjl '(IJOI pIB) ooruqcs P s . Moq J0 'paFueqc iaAOLr sPLl irMortr J0 'uouM

ouO

lELl,&\

plus

ol fiulleads dJP

0rl u

roi

.'

'ln0.r. aIBl L{tpa

Jo,

^lllqlsuodsal aluudo,rdciB ll 'u0rl'JaJJ0c J0 .r0rll0 OLll J0 0u0 ]Pql

i,

ar,l

aaJi

tr'eg1 'elqutnl'Pue

oP l.uoP salddnd pue 'suallrl 'ecr4 'ezeB lenlntu 8ur -q8nor {durrs .uretureur allq^eql'sltil \ spunos raqlo Surletu pue Surooc 'suuellegf 'Llsseipua Leld uBr serqEq pu€ sreqtol\ .e3to^ Pu€ se.(e rno Sutsn 'a8uer esolf, lE 're.ttSareo l,reruud rno qI^A aceld selel [e1d lsarFea Jno ]Br.[] ur enbrun oIE suEulnH 'SunoL draa, uaq.u trllercadse 'Le1d algrunr-pue'q8no'l asn sletuurBul IIV

lr uJnl uB3 n0^

Jr aos '1r{3ll

HVrg

NI SflA]]SU

11]M DNITHDIJ

WIRED FOR LOVE with the nods and winks (or whatever signals work for you) that you use with each other when no dis' ways you play together. Become more familiar

agreement is present, and learn to trust them when tensions arise, as well. If you really trust that neither of you will end up a loser, you can feei more

relaxed about the rough-and-tumbie of fighting. You sense when to pursue and when to retreat. To iess secure individuals, the prospect of retreat implies taking a loss or giving up one's stance. It implies defeat, maybe even humiliating defeat. Not so for secure couples. They know they're in it for the long haul'

'We

may not be consciouslr"a feel it in our bodies. \We jusi --

reliable way to read a partnei

look at our partner, our eve: moistness in his or her er.es. a

lips. Even the most subtle cu

tives and then to the anbas, play a vital role in this pr..ce,

so they feel free to keep their guard down, even while fighting.

Couples in distress ,.r:r.. take. The loss of continli.--.

tracking of one another an:

torical perspective. A'err:n=

EXTRCTSE: COIvtE PLAY WITH MEI

information and allorls

When is the last time you and your partner engaged in rou$h-and-tumble play? N4aybe...neverP Well, it's tir-xe t0 r0ll up your sleeves and remove all sharp obiects! 1.

in

effect moves

a,,t"

cr:

cult to accurately read

injury. An outdoor lawn can work, or a king-size bed or a soft carpet 0r

major problem when par::r.:i (We saw this with Leia .

Set some grOund rules before you begin. For example,

=:

":-:

if elther

yells,

"Time out!" both of you must stOp instantly. lf there is anything-fOr exam-

this reason, I recomnrt:.: :tional matters unless the,.' :cues. Why give the am.

ple, bein$ held upside dOwn-that doesn't feel safe, agree at the get-90 that no one will do this. Get down 0n the lled (or mat 0r carpet or lawn) together and play. You

can push and pull, roll and curl up. Make all the sounds you want, but try not to talk because that will distract you from paying close attentiOn t0 your physicality. You can analyze things later, if you musl.

r:.

work something out n'irh-.

--

you meet again in pers.,r..

.

One of the key elements to fighting well is being able to read your partner, to know in any given rnoment what he or she is feeling, thinking, and intending.

:

your partner's voice ri.ith. *: : your or your partner's piln'.-::to war that could hate bee:-

;

on the other's face. \-:,

when primitives are on tl:e

RTIoTNG YoUR PARTNER

-:

Of course, it can be ie:'

sage

144

i

mgvs-2nd into a srare -: :due to poor physical p.,,:r. : tively close proximirr (nc :--,

Find a safe place where you can both move around freely and not risk even a large exercise mat.

2.

partner

i:.c:

','.'

THr PrR[s or

An even worse idea ii :-:

these technologies, and of c,

SII

saldnol

uo

tl

ot

seurof,

uer{^\ enlB^ lBeJS a^Br{ [ue1A1 'Sur8esseul

asrnoJ Jo Pu€ 'sarSolourpat eseql

^aq] ]xal Jo SuIlIBtu'e

sI EeP] esrol(

uela uV

'Surpuetur pue '8ul1urqr '8ur

ot ';aul;ed -tnol, pea-t ol elqe

^leJ

DNIIHDIJ ]YIIDICI JO SlITld lHI 'ql€dlB,^A el{l uo ar€ seAIlIruIJd ueq.tr

,sprold l,llercedsa puB (saJro^ 'ecEJ s.reqlo eql uo eSes tuerf,rlJnsut eq u€c no[;o euo;1 Palua^erd ueaq a^EI{ plnoc ]€ql JB^d ol -seru 8ur^ol aJoul e peer

qsnr.!ree uE aq plnoc erer{t

.tJalB q3rq uo o3 sanrlrulrd s,leuued rnoA ro rnoL

aql lnoqll^\ eclol s(raulred rnod ;1 'Eurpealsnu Lra.t eq uec rq8rsa.{e;o llJeuoq 3uuee11 i€epl peq E sI sryI :g3noua sseus l(ueJ 1 'uosred ur ure8e laaru nod 'Jeulled rnod qllLr lno Sutqlauros lro,^d. IJlun tre,,\r ot aAEq o] tue.\{ l,uoP nol ot tu€1r\ nol ueq.m auotld arif dn lcrd of 8ut]dutet aq uBc lI 'asrnoc JO [lessacauun eelepS,itue arll ern8 ,(qr15 'senc ;re,ra.od

s(Jaqto IIJEO pEaI PuE lJ€tuoJ el,e urelureru uec deql ssalun slell€ul leuoll (uosear slql

-oure ro tuetrodtur rnoqe 3ur11el seldnoc lsureBe Pueululof,er I uI r€c aql ur rriSno; oqrvr 'ur11uer{ pue EIel qlt.tr slql

ro{ (Z reldeqc

\ {lEl srauuBd ueq^l ruelqord rofeur

'aprs .(q ePls 8uI{lE^\ el}rl.4a ro Sutmrp ellq

rouru

1ecrs,(qd E

'lsnul

n0A

J|Ja

o1 uolluallu asolc Ful^Pd ruoJ: ,4rl lnq 'lue,u no^ spunos oLll il no^ '^uld puu JoLlloFot (uue1

oF-teF aqt tB oorFu 'olus laar. -ruPxo JoJ-FurLll^uP sr aJ3Lll

'slla^

JOLllro

1l

Jl '0ldulPxa J0l

zltes e16)

'Jeqtou€ 3uo PBer llalerncre o] llnJ

v

e olur dplcrnb etelecsa uB3 enssr

-IJJlp aroru s1 l1 '(rrede laai ealql lnoq€ uEI{} aroru ou) l]rurxord esolc {eltl -€loJ ur e?eJ ot aJBJ t(uer€ sreulred uaqla. .Suruorlrsod pcrs,{qd rood ol anp ,ldrurs sr el€tslur eqt 'serull raqlo lV 'r-ia1e q8q Jo alets B olul Pu€-aAouI tou s(I JI ue^e-reqlo el{l utor; [e,te

se,\oru ]3eJ]e ur reulred pu€ uoIlBuIloJuI

.re^o eT€t ot se,utruild eql qcee ,sueddeq sII]t uar{lN

J0 lodJuJ ljOs e J0 pdq d,/ (-+

lsrJ lOu puu

puno.JP i1, ^loOJJ

llB a^0uroJ puB sa^e0ls .rn,-' alquill-puP-LlFnor ur pJFPi-

ilw HIIA\ -

s,^Aoll€

'a^uf,edsJad IBOITo] ietr^ Jo srop€ss€que aql se.ttrdep seLe leql SuDreny -sIq pu€ ,c]te]s ,leuratur alour E olur qcBe sulqs PuE JerllouB euo;o Surlcerl arur]1eor jo tno rauu€d qcea s11nd lceluoc a,{e snonurluoc Jo ssol aql -srur Ftq B sI sII{J "JaI{louB euo ulo# de.'rre 1oo1 uauo sseJlslP ut saldno3 'ssacord sr{t ur elor

'aIBl 'Sunq8r_1

aliu

r'.

4elllunq ua.re eqLeru 'tEai:i

aa,r se 'ee1ep8[rue eq1 'sroPBSSEquIe aq] ol ueql PUE s3^I1 '7 raldeqc uI ^\€s -luud erlt ot lsrg-8uo1e passed l,plcrnb eJ€ senr ellqns lsolu aql ua'tE 'sdq aqr;o SurFnc e ,elrus e Jo ]urq eqr ,qcu1g tqSIIs B 'sada rerl ro slr{ uI sseulslouJ :uortBurroJur ur elBt Llsnonurtuoc pue ,lprder sale rno 'laulled rno 1B lool uaqlN ',tlrnce IBnsIA Jno asn ol sI 'lalerrrorl 'rauued e PBOJ ol .&m elqel1er

'1neq 3uo1 Jr{l lo1 tr ur rl..',r'r-

1err.t e [e1d

e,^d.

tsoru egt,!qeqor4 '^\oqeulos lq8u IeeJ alrnb luop lsnf er16'salPoq rno uI ]I IeeJ uBf, ua]Jo am lng ,ssruJB sr Surqlatuos uaqd\ aJ€A\€ {snorcsuoc aq lou detu a16

saiTdrur lealler Jo tcadstr:d ---:

ans;nd

ol

ueLl,r JSUJs

ni.\

'

alotu lJ+ uer no,{ ':aso1 e :: 'lle.tt sB 'esrle suorsuet :a-srP ou ueq^\ Jeqto qlEa

'i:

.to) s1ui.u pue spou or{t Jt-..r

11IM CNIJHDIJ

WIRED FOR LOVE maintaining a 2417 agreement, as we noted in chapter 6. But beware when a disagreement or potential disagreement is in the air. I have seen countless couples get into trouble texting about sensitive issues because they can't read each other's tone, intention, or feeling.

Consider Jill and Carol, both twenty-five, who love to use text messaging throughout the week. Both graduate students, they maintain a tether with

ExER This exercise is sinrilar to

take turns reading earh

il= : r:i':-

1. Ask lour partrrer t,; :

r;:

one another through their cell phones. This is enjoyable when they both feel

0r engaging in anr

good as individuals and as a couple, but their texts can tear the tether and

lhe emolion Ihror,i.'

become drumbeats of war whenever either feels insecure. Even their emoti. cons can be misread as hostile and warlike.

For example, here is a text exchange that led to problems:

2.

-

',

or through lrarrd a.

.:

-

Your job is to r€dti

i

the speci[it erirot:

-."

.

Jilt:

need ur lovin right now

CaroI:

can't talk

JilI:

can't talk? not asking to *talkx

Carol:

what?l

surprised. lf \ ou r,, a'. , plex emotions: for a',i-

JiII:

forget it

lealous. guiltr.

Carol:

i'm in

Jill:

can't talk later. see ya when i see ya

Carol:

ok, this is getting me angry. what's the ;) about?

JiIl:

gotta go

-

try to read \olr.

a meeting.

Because Carol thought

3. Then switch roles. \:.r

4. You may $ianl to :.i-.

ai' r ''-

talk later ;)

FTCH rTNG SMAR So far we've talked abour h--','.

jill

was giving her the brush-offl she ended up

missing their dinner date. In her mind, she was waiting for Jill to clear up what she meant in her text. However, because it is easy to misinterpret or

sadors are managing our f

rl:'..

of whether your partner is

i

-"-

relationship enduring are hr:,-

overlook emotions communicated in e.mails or texts, Jill didnt realize she had upset her partner, and subsequently forgot all about the exchange. By the

But you deserve more th

.::

is thriving. For this reason.

r::

time they were face-to-face later that evening, both their primitives were

have to take responsibilin'ior

loaded, cocked, and ready to fire.

the smart vagus and dumb vas.

Carol and Jill could avoid these fights if they lessened their reliance on text

the dumb one doesn't. Each par

messaging. If they continue texting, they need to understand the importance of

is operating properly, along v.:

immediately sending a strong message of friendliness, whether through texting,

breathe, relax your muscles, an.

calling, or making an appointment to see one another as soon as possible.

resources ofyour ambassadors.

146

.

LVI sdets reqto eqt .^Bp peq B 8ur^Bq sI uosJed euoJI 'sroP€ssBqul€ rno^Jo secrnoseJ eqt Iood nol, ,lcolJe uI .acro Jo auol Jno^ pupu Pu€ 'selcsmu rnod xeler 'aqlearq nod alns e{€hl .sJop€ssequre aq} Jo tsar aql qtl'lA Suop tpedord Surlerado sr lreurs s(raqto eqt alns e{Elu ol slue.r,r reulred gcufl 'l(useoP auo qunP aql sn8e,L

'a1q1ssod se

uoos

SE

Jollltr:

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,ssa-r

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pue 'pa8e8ua l,lptcos sn sdeal euo lrEuIS eq1 ;sn8e.r. qrunP PUE sn8e'r' lreurs erll

raquraueu .se.utrurud s(JeqtouB euo Sur8eueru to; l,rllqlsuodser a>1e1 ol eABr{ osle dtrlentnru uo pes€q {qsuolreler E uI sJeulJed 'uoseer sil{l roC '3uyr1rql st E e^JaseP nod :ecuernpue erelu uBrll arour aAJeseP nol lng

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.

eql Lg 'e8ueqcxa aqt tnoqE l

dn reelo or IIII roJ 8ur]re.n si dn papue eqs lo-qsnrq aqr

op uec noL;1 'se^nrurrJd.rno SurSeueru oJe sJoPEs

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q8rg are Suunpua d11suo1re1er

leql ftqsuonelar

rnod;o sppo eqt---'tou ro tueulour eql ssalpreSer ,r1

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11em

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I}IVWS DNIIHDI{

ltnoqe (: orF s. (:

E-''

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{lt 'auuF FulFuelpqc oJ0Lu € luBM n0^ Jl 'posudJns :su0llOut0 Oldulls tlllM uEls 01 luunn ,{uu no1 '7

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puu 'll lceuo puu u0ll0tu0

ul?

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JnO

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p:

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Sur8essatu

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IIEM DNIIHDIJ

WIRED FOR LOVE up. And vice versa. You track each other's moods. In a heated dispute, you pay

attention to how much is too much and how long is too long. You know when to quit or when to change the subject or distract one another. Sometimes it's

"But nobody does rhatl"

suade the other lronr Jorrrr r:-r

"l didnt marrl rou i, r

:

best to give things a rest so you both have a chance to cool off. However, don't

partner's moral compass.

just leave the room, hang up, or turn away. If you do that, your partner may interpret your actions as dismissive. Rather, make sure the time out is mutu-

]n all ofthete insranc... the other to do what rher. ',',:mut ual agreement i. in ll;.,.. they are actually exprc::rn. r:

ally acceptable-say, twenty to thirty minutes to cool off--and not unilap eral. Taking responsibility in this way is what

I call smart fighting.

Smart fighting is of the ambassadors, by the ambassadors, and for the ambassadors. It ensures that they

will stiil be standing at the end. Remember,

.

Ci:. is a better n'ar'. Ir.,

good for the relationship.

There

rl'r

:

only ambassadors can be influenced, persuaded, cajoled, or seduced. Primitives

another into doing or

aren't concerned with maintaining relationships; all they care about is not belng killed. Therefore, your and your partner's primitives better not be the

Remember, the ou'ner's nL.r,-

winners. They aim for a win-win solution. They say to each other, "'!7e both

information about vour Fr-f :r-in the best way-for goc,j. :-,- , both of you. Self-intcrcii: , ... good of the relation.hip. . . -

have to feel good about this," or "I'11 be happy only if you're happy, too," or

everybody wins.

only ones left standing at the end of a fight. Couples who fight smart seek an outcome that allows both partners to be

"'We're

in this

together."

At the same time, they aren't afraid to tell

each

other: "We are okay, but what just happened is not," or "You're a dear, but I'm going to get my way on this one," or "I love you, but you're being a pain in the ass

today and I think you know it." They can say all this because their ambas-

sadors know how to wave the flag of friendliness and how to make sure no

one strays out of the play zone.

Gooo

FoR ME,

So many of the couples

I

see

Gooo FoRYoU in my therapy practice come with expectations

that each partner should know certain things about how relationships ought to work, It's almost as if partners expect each other to come to the table pretrained. It doesn't dawn on them that they must train one another to do things or continue to parent one another in ways their real parents failed. Expecting your partner to share your values at all times, and in all ways, leads to great disillusionment, disappointment, and anger.

"You should wantto do this for mel" one partner explains to the other,

trying to persuade him or her.

148

Let's examine

hon'rhr. .

sEErlJEq

rnoL eplctt 11,1 'euoq la8 e.tr uoq^\ puv 'Llsnonlrdsuoc e^Eel lou PUB sPunoJ dut eleur uec I sB 3uo1 se 'tuetr no,{ le.teuaq,t\ Llred aqr e^Bel II,l iq8pol ;sttp s,aog,, 'luetuotu E JeT€ sdes aqs *'["IO, '{ulq] o} urnl sFuuog s(lt.laoN

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'ssrT ro 8nq e

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(.lleql

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nol op ]EglN,

pue 'sroae;

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'["IO,

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lq

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,,']uE.r',

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uEa'

(('lue,ll noL rerreleq,tt op no-\

1 ',,rrou4 notr,, 'sdes aqs ouru arlt Jo PeJrl s.or{s 'uouErr-\u:

tr1u1e1;ec Illrr aqg '[]erxur i ot lou palerler sr €uuoc

oB

1

'saqdar aq

s,tegJ" 'EaPI eql rnq 'poo8 ,,'ter1t ueg] aroru Surqletuos Paau I 1u1qr 1 ^lterd Suuaptsuoc s,aq 1eu8rs ot sanorqale sil1 Sursrur 'lueulotu E JOJ sTuIIl] uees ..'ees

ernoul uolt?€ teqt aas oB 11,aurr .laorrourol 'lq8ruo] eru qll^d oB noL JI lslqr lnoqe lAoH,, 'saLe stg olw lool uec el{s os uBeS ol lxeu u'{/toP slIS Euuoq 'pasudrns 'ueeg slse .(iueaur

l€glN, .u€as

leur lnoqe

loJ

>lsB

I uaq^\ eruoc A{ofi ':

eser{l e}eq I qrnu ,r\or{ -!\o! 'ueag serlder ,,'s8ur1eel .tu r

111M DNIIHDIJ

WIRFD FOR I,OVE And it won't be if you learn to negotiate effectively. In

NorHIxG

a nutshell, (1) your

SWEI

negotiations don't have to be entirely symmetrical, (2) bargaining is fine, and

Dennis and Kathleen are :

(3) any compromises you make should not result in one person losing.

Think of this process as good housekeeping for your couple bubble. Next time a fight is in the offing, instead of expecting your partner to function

as

your clone, put your collective energies into making sure the solu-

tion feels meaningful and worthwhile for both of you. Keep at the negotiations untii you reach that point. In essence, there can be no forward movement, no decision making, no action unless you and your partner agree

another, especially when taik::

tive for either of them. Ther :..

how difficult. Neither partn-: being shut down by the orhe:

messages to the other abour c --;

like. If Kathleen need) rL' ::L:. won'r like, she does :o qui.i

the solution will work for both of you. We got a glimpse of this process in scenario 3. In it, Donna and Sean negotiated as anchors. By contrast, when an island faces a situation in which

hit-and-run, a strateg)' L'oth :.-.. Forinslance, both ar. .r -

each partner wants to do something different, the only apparent solution is to

niceties, nothing stressiu,.

S

in scenario 2. On the other hand, as we saw in scenario 1, one partner can bully the other into submission. This is the

Kathleen says, "'We have i,:' -. Dennis's recent denrotirrt^ ,- r

way of the wave.

She knows this is going r0.:-'-.:

go their separate ways.

'SVe

saw this

If you and your partner reach a point where you still arent both satisfied with a solution, some compensation or repair may need to take place. This

"No," she

can be tricky, especially when past experiences ofinequity, unfairness, injus-

says

quickLr'. : -

tice, and insensitivity color the present situation. I said negotiations don't have to be symmetrical, in the sense that one or the other of you may appear to give up more at any particular moment; however, over the long run, any

changes the subject.

inequities need to balance out. Sticking to the principle of "good for me, good

your

for you" should prevent either ofyou from keeping a tally against the other.

t:, ::::.

Dennis lowers his hea;. we have to talk about this

Dennis quickly r€crr\-ris. Later that

,

evening. ',i:--...

job..." Dennis sighs anJ :a\

).

.

about it nocu."

Kathleen kisses hirrr

OvEn THE LoNc HRur

-:.:

don't want to talk about rh:..

:

tomorrow, or I will, okai'l" Some issues between partners can be resolved, if not immediately, then even-

"Okay," he says, sn-rilinE :.

tually. Other matters may never be resolved, and may always be a source of potential conflict. In fact, because no two brains are alike, the chance of two

And the conversation i... about his job aren't fu111'res..l,,'t

peopie agreeing on everything is slim to nil. For this reason, John Gottman, a

topic. However, no one car. .i another. They don't ar.oid in--F

researcher and marital expert, believes that couples don't need to solve all

their unresolved conflicts, but they do need to deal efGctiveiy with these issues (Gottman and Silver 2004). And I would agree. Couples who are in it

expect a bad reaction. Rarhe:.

for the long haul know how to play and fight well, remain fearlessly confident

tent managers of one anothe : . inspire each other. It's clear ri,

in the resilience of their relationship, and dont try to avoid conflict.

occur are only minor speed bu:

152

€SI 'ruerp

JoJ

sdulnq Peeds Joulru PBor ol{l uo

'!uo

ere

rnlco

eldsut

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.ed*o,

ere

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',7

Leql 'ragloue

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'aIII eq s.^Aou>i eqs l€ql sIuueCI ot Surqlauros dn Sutrq ol sPeau ueeFIlE) JI (sreIBuI Jeqlo agl ol saSessaut er{t pu€ stureldruoc sB qfns I€ISIeAorluoJ lnoqE eql [q umop rnqs Suteq tcerrpur a.tr8 req4a saoP roN 'lq8g [er1l uaI{'^A req}o slaal reulred reI{lIoN 'llnJUJIp ' '{\oq

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E

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luelrodrur are legl scrdol lnoqe Surlier ueq'r 'llercadsa 'raqloue [at1; 's'relq8r; ]radxe ere ueeFlle) Pue sluua(I

auo ot uolluall€ asolc Aed

DNU

lHI

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-\.

tueprJuoc Llssepee; uleulal

'

Ir ur ore oq,tt saldno3 'ee:eseqt qtr,r\ {entrca;;a leap lle J^los ol poau r,uop selj B

'u€rulloC uqof'uosear stu aruetlf, eql 'e1t1e art

ozlrt Jo

aornos e ag sl.e.ro.ie ,{eu ..(leterparurut ro

-ua^e uoql 'o

'raqto eqt tsure8e '\iet e poo8 'etu .lo; poo8,,;o aldr: ,{ue 'uu 3uo1 aqr relo 'ra-\; leu nod;o rar{]o 3q: readde

tiuop suoll€Ito8eu ptes 1 ' -snfut 'ssaulteJun

srql

'ace1d

paIJSIIES

arll

"{]tnbaui

el€t ot paeu

qloq l.uele lllls

sr

.!'

ntr

sIqI'uolsslulqns olul

sI

e,tr se 'pueq Jar{to oqr

o]

uorlnlos tue:edde

qJlq1(

q

uC .r1u

uollBnlls e selEi

u€as pue euuoq 'tl

ul i

aer8e reulred lnol, pue n.-.' 'n.-,."'

-erto8au eqt le daay

alerlr

ou eq uEf

pJE,rJoJ

-nlos eq] arns 8ur>1eru otur

ol lauued rno,{ Suttr:ir= 'elqqnq eldnor rno.\:. '8urso1 uosrad auo

pue 'eug sr SututeS:e.1 rrno,{ (1) '11aqslnu e uI '.\le-!I

11IM DNIIHDIJ

WIRED FOR LOVE RTTTZTTMBER

THE GOOD, FORGET THE BAD

example, "He made nrt

the cooking." Don t n, gave you-even the er.;-:

,,

If your partner tends to remind you of things you have done to injure him or her, chances are your response is along the lines of "\fhy do you always remember such things? Why can't you just forget?" You want to move on. But does it ever occur to you that you helped create

3. Al lhe lop ol the ne\' less time laborirrg concrete.

that memory in the first place by not doing anything to fix it in time?

Any intense feeling-positive or negative-that stays in our awareness for too long will be transferred into long-term memory' The ambassadors, notably the hippocampus, are responsible for converting short'term memories into long-term ones. As a primitive concerned with our safety and security,

the amygdalae make sure we don't forget painful memories. In this

4. I abel lhe last r olLrn " -there isn't d IoLrrn Because rou proba: column, do lltir ilrirr .= .

way,

)0U Caube troLtbie

a.

grudges are formed.

If you're in it for the long haul, it behooves you and your partner to avoid creating and maintaining grudges. Do this by allowing your ambassadors to overrule your primitives. Fix your bad memories so they become good memo' ries. Kathleen dld this by insisting Dennis talk with her about his iob.

had let

it

if

she

go when he was reluctant to talk, they might both have had bad

memories: for Dennis,

it would have centered on the job itself, and for

it

would have been about her husband withdrawing from her because he was too mired in depression. The idea is to transform bad memories into good ones before they enter Kattrleen

5.

Now study your iinlsl-,.:

be :r.. you receive from rr-"r columns shoLrld

6. You misht find

ro,:'..' -:

things \'our partrrrrletter of apologr

ror :-":

finally, you mighl \\2.'

1 i_

well, your parlner nra,"

,

long-term memory as grudges. However, it's possible to transform a bad mem'

ory even years later. I'm not suggesting long-standing grudges will disappear with a snap of your fingers, but if you and your partner are willing to do the work, you can get past them.

EXTRCTSE: THE GnETTTULNESS INVENTORY This exercise is derived from Naikan, the Japanese art 0f self-reflection. lt can be difficult t0 d0, especially if you're a wave, but it is well worth the effort. Take

at least thirty minutes t0 d0 this exercise.

1. 0n a piece of paper, make three columns. 2.

At the top of column 1, write, "what he/she gave me." List everylhing y0ur

partner has given you in the last week. Be specific and concrete-for

154

EtcHrH Gutotr.l

The eighth principle ln rhLs : must learn to fight well. \\ :-;: strong and secure couple bubi are able to pick up on each

rri

You don't ignore problems -i:.rect, repair, or wave the t'lae c,t Here are some supporrir.:

1. Losing is not allori'ed. and your partner are n

ssI ot Sultdruet eq ^€ur nol. alns lu.I 'asol ol

lI 'satull lV slu€.^A

'suolldecxo ou eJE JaulJEd rno^ Pue

euo ou 'esJnoc

Jo

'Pe/!\ollE

lou st 8utso1

'1

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lstl ,,'au

a\p.o-

:no,( aptn8 ot saldrcuud Surlroddns sruos aJe eJeH

-Joc roJJe ,(plcrnb no.{

'regleg

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'ralseJ

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€ ulqtl^\ Suttelar ere raulred rnol pue no,{ uaqr16 '11an 113{ 01 ur'Da7 $nu .taylaiol fzts oi ruDffi o1.(n sr"auirP4 l€tll sI {ooq slql ur aldlcupd IJltlSIe eqJ

TTdI)NIUd DNICIIND HIHDIT

Olul'u0jla

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AUOINIANI

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a

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p!p n0^

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"{llce;;oc JOutJBd Jn0^ 0t stu0suopJnq

oq uuc puu olqnoJl osnBc n0^

'l6u J0 0l puatul no,{ JaqloLlM :lsoug11 aq puv '{lqfinolot1t slLll 0p 'uunlgc 'lloM ,{lquqo;d n0^ ssn€308 MouI slLll 001 llB isJrJ aqt qllM sV ^p€arlu 'n0^ posnuc JOUUEd JnO^ alqnoJl aLll JOJ urunl0c qlJn0, u l,us! oJaql ,{qnn 1se tLlFlLu no ,,'raq/u1q posnec | olqnoJl oLlL, uunloc lslll 0tl1

'de,n srgl

'sl lc€l 'sFultll p0lc0dx0 Olll u0^a-n0^ JOJ

s0lBDuud

ul

'sarJoruoLu

InJr

'rbFncas pue dre;es rno rjtr. ser-rorueur urJel4Joqs 8uu :a,.i

laqul

't

's.ropesseqrue

eq1'L.rotuau

Jno ur sdels teq:-

sseueJe.4a€

iJurrt ur rr xg or 3:rq

'0l0JJu0c

puu clJrcods 0q 'ssol0tllJOAaN 'uunl03 slLll JoA0 Fulloqel 0ull

etBalc pedlaq nol. teqt no-r r-:

ssal

puods uuc no^ ,,'req/u!q o^uF I lut]M,, 'alUM uunlOc lxou otll J0 dOl Olll ]V '001 'asoLll 10F nO,{

't

;

..

sl,e.r.1e nol, op dq4y,,;o sa:: un1 a;nfur ol euop oAE! nr-.",

0AuF

JeulJEcl Jn0^ Fulrll^J0^O polsll o^,n0^ l!]un u0 0^0tu 1,u00 ,,'Fullo0c stll

s00p aH,, lOu ,,'^PpJo1s0,{ tsuJlue.rq

lHr rlDU

aYg

0u 0putu ag,, 'a;duuxa

.I1]M DNIJHDIJ

WIRED FOR LOVE assert your

will, to try to pick up a few wins for yourself. But honestly,

C

what value will your pro-self interests have if a fight results in your partner being knocked out, on tiit, or otherwise non-compos mentis?

Not much. That would be a Pyrrhic victory.

Love How to Througl

So, you have to retrain yourselves. You have to rewire your ways of fighting. Think in terms of defusing conflict that turns ugly, rather than necessarily resolving it entirely. Most importantly, when you fight, both of you have to win...or you will both lose. And that's not

an acceptable outcome.

2. Giving up isn't allowed, either. Let me be clear, smart fighting is not about abdicating your position or giving up your self-interests. It's about wrestling with your partner, engaging without hesitation or avoidance, and at the same time being willing to relax your own position. You go back and forth with each other, until the two of you come up with something that's good for both of you. You take what you each

bring to the table and, with it, create something new that provides mutual relief and satisfacrion.

3. Every fight brings a new day. In asking you to fight well, I'm asking your ambassadors to rule over your primitives. tWe all know that can be tough, and even more so in the midst of battle. So don't expect 100

If the minute a conversation you forget everything I've said, don't give up. Tiy

T n the last charr.-. ., :

I I

vorrr"li trom s.'ir: : no* to do rhi. ,,.:

-

'--

during fights, but s(,n-.c:.:.:they may have callel i r-:,-.:

percent success at your first try.

over-

and ready to go at r fl-. F.':r.

heats,

again

war, with no hope Lrt 1;',,, -::'..

tomorrow.

ways that leave h'orh

:

f!:i::--

read one another, hor,. rr'

'r:-

=

: r : ::l these couples, too, $ ill r:.- .:. able to rekindle ir. It'. .:-. troops.

All this

se

r\

e

to love well.

In this chapter, u'e l-,r.- .' tives to make love nor rt:r .1 ficult as you mighr rhink. .-.::it's like to feel intinateh.

c,-,:-

r

J.:

love is what brought \ou

acquainted with war.s to rekrn grow dim.

156

'rurP

,4aoJ3

ot slrBls l]-aroJeq ue^e ro-ueq^\ O-IIJ eql elpuDleJ ol s^B,^d qll^\ PalulEnbcE 'ecEld lsrlJ eql uI JerlleSol no^ lq8norq lBq \ sI e^ol euro3aq o] sr peeu no^ IIV 'pelreuuoc l1a]erurlul IeaJ ol a{II s,ll Jo Treds tq8uq teqt '.\a111 uegr erol/^{ t€q.^A ,4Aou{ Lpearle reutred rnod pue noL '1e laUV '>lulql lq8lut no^ se linf,I; .Euurmat et€urrtln eqt sr srr{J 'Je.^d lou e^ol elEul ol se^Il JIp sB tou s(tr puv -nuud rno[ pue sroPesseqtue rnoL esn o] .l.rog lB lool eao. 'raldeqc slgl uI .lla.4d. a^ol ol ol elq€ .reqra8orle esla Futqleuros Pu€ 'llo1rt lqBU or Sutql euo s.ll t,uare

'lI

alPul>lar

.(aqt pue lutod ,4Aol € sllq a^ol rleql JI lrotls IIEJ lll^\ 'ool 'saldnoc aseql uaa.e d1a.r,rle1eJ e uo ueqr daal ol selres s1q] IIV 'sdoorl

'lae>l '(laleruuln tng

orlt II€Jer ot

uaq,^d.

pue 'sseullpuau;1o 8eg eql e^E^\ ol

^\oq

'raqloue euo

PBoJ

ot ,$oq .uou4 deql 'pue aqr rE Sulpu€ts 11lrs sreurred qloq e^eel leql slear .8uur.^Aer ur rqSr; ot peurBal aneq deur seldnoc reqrg Jo adorl ou tlll^\ 'IB,^A toJ perr^a {lueueturad er,tregtJr s€ s(tl 'eJJtou s(Jueurour e te o3 or Lpear pue peruud ere ae1ep8[ru€ -IIeg] rolof, roPun lnq 'ecnrl € PellBJ e,teq Leu '(aqr ,(11eqren'papue s€q epreq cglceds B roUB 3uo1 saurrleuros lnq'srtlEu SuFnp dluo lou trel€ peuetq8teq;o etets E uI se^lesuaql Pug slqr oP ol ,ltoq T t.uop oq.u seldno3 'reulred rno.{ qlrm J€,^A ol Suro8 uog;lasrnoA ^\oul u II dee>1

pue

11a,r,r

rq8r; ot se1et

tl lBti \ lB Pa{ool ea,r 'raldegc

rsel aql

ute8e 1,.r1 'dn a,u8

t.uor ':.

de^o uollBsJe^uoc e atnul-,* l 961 rcadxe t,uop oS 'ollE-- i uec lerlt

oausa."!],.*" ^\ou{ ]le

3ur1se Lu,J 'lla,.r\ tq8lr ,.r

-

-

septnord lELIt,,vreu Eull{::'-qcee no,( tEq,{\ eIEt nc-\

':

,.

-

aruoc nod;o o^\t e\lt ::'_'_ ]llur - "' -rsod u,rto :no,( xelar '-: :

ro

uonBlrseq lnoqlr.Y.

:_: -

_

s.lJ 'SlSJlJlutJlJs llirl'. :- = iou st SurlqBIJ uErus :l::-t :-

lcBluos e^E qSnorql o^o1 epul{eu ol /KoH :esol3 dn tI o^o-I

lou s(l€qt puv 'aso] r|,--:. nod ueq.u 'Lltuerrod-::: -. reqrer 'L13n surnt tEr.{- -::':' ,

;o

s,{e,lr

:no,{ e:r.la;

L

l

f,...1

_-

..-

lsllueut sodruol-uotr :!:."r,: :'-

6

rno.{ ur st]nsol

nlrdvH)

tr18rj : i. ;'.i - -.-

_

_

',{psauoqlng Jlasln!.

WIRED FOR LOVE

Lusr Is er n DrsreNCE

Viktor's lace lighrs uf a: pocket. "l say we get

I often tell coupies who are striving to recreate and hold onto

a

more intimate

connection that lust is at a distance, but love is up close. I advise them not to confuse the two, and not to depend on lust to rekindle their romance. This is a mistake too many couples make.

a

penth.-.

talked about being right ir. -. afternoon, dancing in the

e.,'e

Thtiana stops him. "\'e.. ing," she says. "But rve alsr t:

\What do you think about sr,r:

:::

Viktor scrunches up

BECOMING STRANGERS

expenses barred. We'r'e

t,,:--

grabs her and waltzes her .-r-

Consider Viktor and Tatiana, both fifty-five years old. Their two chil' dren, twins, recently left for college, and the couple find themselves with more time alone together than they've had in years. Initially Tatiana looked

:

-

time of your lifel" Tatiana senses her h.:,b. disappoinr him. She reli: :-; . if it only accenl uates rhe -:,:

forward to the romantic vacation they'd promised each other' However, after a few weeks, her enthusiasm gave way to an unexpected anxiety. Somehow, when the kids were around every day, she had failed to notice the distance

help feeling an exrravag::i- ' what they need to gei l--ic.. :

that had developed between her and Viktor. Mealtime conversations revolved around school activities, sports, and homework. It was easy to overlook her

nol even clear to borh

in these interactions.

,

This is a couple u'ith.,u:

:

lr':.;:

Besides, he was always preoc-

treat one another aln-ir,sr :--. .

was hard to imagine him without a cell phone glued to

cultivare a sense of unt,rr.r.--,

his ear, even at the dinner table. Only now, with just the two of them at home, is Tatiana fully realizing

and provide a certarn rhrir-. 'i,

husband's minimal role cupied with work:

it

the degree to which their intimacy is lacking. It's not as if they're fighting or arguing. There is nothing obviously "wrong." \7e11, except perhaps for the infrequency with which they have sex. But even that has never been officially

.

j, -. days is tepid because rr :. -' .. of marriage withour

'r..:

have settled for rhar hc.-

-,-

up close,

acknowledged as a problem by either of them. In fact, Viktor often declares

his love by sending his wife flowers and fancy gifts, something he has done throughout their marriage because he wants her to feel he is perpetuaily woo-

Tur Pnrmrrrr.r

ing her.

Srrrctxc

F.qrrttL

Tatiana decides to talk to Viktor to see if they can plan a vacation that might rekindle the romance in their relationship. Because she knows he's excited about their upcoming trip and sees it as romantic, she doesn't want to

Of course. partncr( - rc:. way. At the beginning ,)r . -:

come off as too critical or disparaging.

distance. \(/e risualh

"Have you given more thought to where we should go?" she asks tentatively one evening, as they get up from the dinner table, having exchanged

gross physical anatomr-, ap:..r,

only a few words during the meal.

senses ro gather infornrai:.

158

alf:

.:

Our brain plals an in-:'

r

:

,

65I

uo Surpuedop 'luetuuoJllue Jno uI aldoed lnoqe uollEurloJul JeqleE ol sesues tueJo#Ip uo saIIoJ t1 'ssaco"td slql uI eloJ luelrodurt ue sLeld ulerg rno

ol lu€Ar lpsaop aqs 'onueruo: s.aq s,rou>l eqs asnecag 'drq

:srolc€J llalre,t B o] SuiproJf,E reqlouE auo esrerdde {lenslt alN 'aruE}sIP Jo sE 'dlgslrnoc;o SutuurBag aqr ry '[ear e ls;g tr11ereua8 a.rrr 'sre,to1 lB leeru ^\eu uets I,uoP o.&\ 'lseel tV 'asolJ dn sdentle l.ual€ sJeulJed 'esrnoc 1g

pe8ueqcxa 8ur^teq 'a1qel :aui -Bluat slse eqs ,,;oE plnoqs 3

'Sunuoor8 'laredde 'druoleue lecrslqd ssor8

'uo os pue 'ro1oc

leql

leq

JJo

teqt uon€r€A e ueld uer .rrq

,trl){vlllwYi DNI)IIS :-IYSIVUddY .SIAIIIWIUd

lHJ

-oo.tr Lllenredrad sr aq

1aa-r

l,uop [aql asnBf,eq ]Bql

JoJ

ot

auop serl eq Surqraruos 'sr,lr: sarElf,ap ueuo rotTrn 'tce-I asolc dn

o^ol e^Erl ot e>lel PIno^\ 1I l€q/\\

^Aou{

Pelllas e^BI{

Lagl 'acuetslp E tE Lluo ststxe terlt e^ol € uo Peseq sI lI asnereq plder s1 slep [eq] tuauretrcxa [ue ]ng 'ocro^IP Sur;eplsuoc lnoqll^\ a8€ureru ]o slql rse 'lllJql ulelJaf, e aptlord pue asoqt IaaJ

-.:1

dllercg;o ueeg releu ser{ tEr{l

eqt roJ sdeqrad rdaoxe

'11e.1.

ro Suuq8g ar,.{aqr JI s€ tou

s.

Surzrleer l,y1n; euerrel Srouj,

sreed dtuemt q8norqt tI eperu seg aldnoc

lsnl ateraua8 ot ra.r,rod arll sBI{ lt Sut,r.erteq 'l]uerpuelun Jo esues B elell]lnc Llleuorlualur o] s€ JBJ os saoE rot{lA'sre8uerls sE lsouIIE Jel{lou€ euo leell euop tal '1no euo8 seg alIJ el{t t€ql rual{] Jo I{}oq ol Jeall uola lou erll lnoqlt.u eldnoc E sI sIqI

Leql

^Q,tr

s.tl 'a^ol rraqt elpuqer dilenuttuoc ot

^tIIqB uo 'rer{to rlcBe qtr.,rd lf,eq la8 ot peau.{ai1r regm IJBI] tpsr ereds ol luaurour eau E lnoqll.^ uoIlBf,€A lue8e.terlxa ue Surtee; dleg lv 'luaql uee^\leg acuElslp eql sel€nluecce Lluo 1t;t t.uBJ eqs 'eruu aurBs aril Jotsesrp epoq plnoc

euIEJ uI teanar ternb

ol luBl\ l,useop puB ulselsnqlue

e JIasJaI{

sllal erls

'ulq

luroddesip

eurnuaS s.Pu€qsnq Jeq sesuos euEIleJ

((iajll rno^Jo atuE

ol penl8 euogd

11ec E

tnor{ti.

-roard sdenle sE.^[ eq 'saprs:i rer{ {oolra^o ot l,see sE.\\ tl ' POAIOAOJ SUOrJ€sreAuOf, eruE.rr!

esuElsrP er{t esrlou ot

peil!:

'arrogaurog dlerxue patraJr;. rarye 'ra,ramoH 'reqto rpEe F

pelool eueueJ

L11errru1

's:ra

gtr^\ se^lesueqt purJ aldnc: 'PIo srEa.\ :.'

-llql

o,^Al

rleql

eqr nod 'lre.tr ]snf,, 'ruoor 3uur1 eql punoru rerl sazlle.^A pue raq sger8 ^\oqs II.I ueqr 'sq8nel eH i(isurqeJ Jo lruald or spl{ eqt ueI€] e^(al1 'Pelreq sasuadxe ou 'sLes eqs ,,'8uI

lng,,

.IollIA leql6

lunp

'dp1 J?4o sr srql,, 'sulrelcxe ar1 ,,',(auo11,, 'eJ€J slq dn sarpunrcs

..lterlt aIII 'etetutlut a;oru Surgteutos lnoqe

'aceldel;

€ qtr.^d ulq€c E pue 'aure61 lnoqe pa>llel oslB e,^

(legt

nod oP

etBurltul eJour

eqt ur seeuneru op UBJ alN 'uoltoB eqt Jo retuec ut lq8u Suteq rnoqe pe11el sde,up a\elN'ueDequ€l4tr u^\otu^\op u] etrns asnoqtued e leB e,tr.{es 1,, 'la>1cod

sI slr{J 'scuBuror rlerlt elpul-.i; I 'esoJr ::.

-zeure aq plnof, tr pue tnoq€ pe1let eA,e,Aa 's41,, 'wtq sdols eu€ltel ((-surnesnLu el{l 'slu€Jnelsal lseq oql 'SuIueAe eql u1 Surcuep 'uoourerye

ol lou iueqt

asr^PB E

otuo PIoq pu

s.rot{l1

sFI otul auoqd 1ec sil{ stsnrrlt pue req ot surnJ eq se dn stq8n eleJ

lSO'ID dN SI EAO]

WIRED FOR LOVE whether they're at a distance or close to us. When you see someone across the room, for instance, you use your far visual system (which some refer to as the

still or moves toward or away your amygdalae and other with from you. This visual system works in tandem primitives to determine whether the person is safe or unsafe, attractive or unattractive, and whether you want him or her to approach. Remember, our primitives' main objective is to not be kllled. Beyond that, they are invested in perpetuating the species. For this reason, they are experts in detecting the dorsal visual suean) to track if he or she remains

potential for lust, and do it best from a distance. \7hen it comes to mate selection, our brain prefers

to as the i.,:;---.

deemed safe and those bsr:..

As you move to\\:ard ar distance of two to ihree re.: adjusts to the near visual srrr your brain is predisposed tc r face as they shift and chanse. eyes dancing and

pupil: ,,pc

vous systems as the tuo ..i'. a

simple neurobiologi-

cal load; in other words, it prefers familiarity. A person who appears too unfamiliar is likely to create a complex load and thus repel our primitives' Too

much stranger-ness is threatening. (I use the term stranger'ness-as opposed to strangeness, meaning weirdness-to refer to the quality of being like a stranger.) Familiarity

some refer

with just the right amount of stranger-ness to

spice

things up can cause an attraction that brings us into closer physical proximity. Then, at close range, our ambassadors have a chance to become engaged and

begin the process of psychobiological vetting to determine whether this person meets our criteria for a long-term relationship. In the end, romantic love must pass muster with both our primitives and our ambassadors. Lust only has to pass muster with our primitives.

A person Looks qu: Most of us initialh' scar

and body.

mouth and then the eves. Be, social and emotionai perce.i

left eye (rhe right hemispi^.=:.

Our gaze triangulates bei,,i'ee to focus on the left for cue. tions to this. People in soine ; impolite or inappropriare. C'

,

ence, avoid eye contact eirhe:

to look for cues on the rr,cr: pick up cues in the ere.. Another near sense ih.-: We appraise another's bi :. the obvious level of pcrru:-.:i

LovE Is Up CIOSE

subtle scents produced b-,' ::So, what exactly happens when two people are in close proximity? What makes the sparks-and I don't mean just lustful sparks-fly? I think it's worthwhile to examine the neurobiological dynamics that come into play

ness, sexual arousal, feai. :.-.

when we first fall in love, because these same processes are the key to rekin-

my heart beat stronglr- tust b','

tained touch. We mav e\-en -r seem energetic and indesc::':

dling love throughout the relationship.

How Wt

TUI

AMBASSADORS, APPR,TISIL: CI-osI AND PERSONAL

Fnlr_

We fall in love at close pi,

that some can conjure up thrr Most notably, as we approach

a

potential partner, our near

senses become

engaged. These include first and foremost our close-up visual stream (which

160

lust masquerading as lot'e.

t9r qrlq^,\) ureeJts lensr-r Jr.-:,;

'e^ol tsnl {par

sr

sE

Surperenbseur lsnl

aUIOf,eq SeSUeS leaU ll-rti '.I?

]Eqt Jo 'elue}srp e te ro f,setuey q8norql dn e;nfuoc uec awos ]Bql

purl peur8eurl er{t tou 'e^ol IEaJ u€eru I 'dtrurxord

3sol3 lE e^ol uI IIBJ el6.

IAO-I NI ]]VJ IM

t1a; 1,, 'sl,es euoeruos

:IYS]I

^^OH

(('req ot txau Surpuets f,q lsnf Ll8uorts leaq ueeg ,ftu uegm 'eldtuuxe ro; s€ 'elqequcsapul pue clra8raue uleas

leql suondacred asues rlcrtdrur;o l.tatren

e a8e8ue uale,(eut alx\'I{Jnol PeuIEt

-sns ro JeIJq uI e8e8ue deur ar16 'eTISIp ue^e PUB 'rea; 'lesnore ienxes 'ssau -IIpueIU tseF8ns legt urets[s aulrcopueorneu al{l i(q pacnpord s]uacs allqns pue 'sau8o1oc 'serun;red Jo ia^el snol^qo el{l uo ropo dpoq s,;erpoue esrerdde er16

alotu lleurs uec osle

-urIeJ ol

oqt a.te s:s:::,

Luld olur ^aI euror ler{t s::-;: s,r lulrit 1 ;,{g-s1:r:. teql6 2l,rrr-urxo:d a;.': -

er16 'sdeos

uo dluo lou tng Surpnlcur

's1e,l,a.1 1era.r.es

'llatus Jo asuas Jno sr l]trurxo;d osolc uI se8e8ue

lerll

asues JEou

rel{louv

'saLa arll ur sen? dn

ot elg€un ere pue ,(poq eql;o slred raqto Jo qtnoru eqt uo senc IeISEa

tI pur; Laqf esnecaq Jo sureJuoo dfa;es

.roJ

roJ

'Sarulltuu.i

>1ctd

lool ol

:r

puu salrlrurlJd :no u-:,:

Jarltle lf,€luoc e'{e prole 'acue

-nuur lerntlnc;o luapuedepur 'slenpl{pul Jer{}O 'eteudorddeur to elrlodrur

tc€tuor ale tcelp Jeplsuoc 'aldtuexe ro; 'sarnllnc euros uI a1doe4 'slql ol suoll -dacxa luetu 'eslnoc;o 'ere ereql 'Llayes ]noqe senJ JoJ ];el eqt uo sncoJ o] e.^d tnq'eLe Uel puB rq8u pue qtnotu eqt uoe^\teq seteln8ueu] ezeB rng puet

'(.(poq eql Jo apls r;el aqt o] petceuuoc-ssorr sI areqdslurarl rq8tr aql) aLa 1a1 s,uoslad raqto eqt tB eroul >lool ot puet e^d 'uorldecred leuoltoure pu€ Ierf,os ur sezrlerceds eragdsruraq lq8rr s,urerq Jno esnEcag 'saLe aqt uaqt Pu€ qtnoul

er{t uo lsrrl Sursnco; 'a8uer asolc uI eJE} aqt uEJs Lllerlrut sn Jo tsoJAI 'ecuetsrp € t€ uer-l] esolc dn tuereJJlp arrnb s>1oo1 uosrad y '.{poq pue acBJ eql ur IrBleP erour eas uEc notr 'lrBralul no.{;o oaril er{l sB srllelsl,s sno,l, .rcu Eurzzr.q;nol, qlurr aunl ur Sursolc pue Suruedo s11dnd pue Sutruep sal,e aqt (euot ur{s ur suor}Bn}cnlJ crdocsoprale4 eql 'e8ueilc pue }ll{s [eqt se ace;

-red srql Je!1e!$

aur;::---

pue pa8e8ue eruol3i 'drlurlxo.rd

artds

e

e>1tt

ol

lecrs.iq;

,_

-r-1s -

_

it _

-r

-

ssau-:aEu:::; _. :

Sureq Jo .\-tllEr.: t---

pesoddo sB-ssar--:_:'.

ooI

'se^nrrur:d

--_'

.:''-

:n: -:_=: ,

-BJun oot sreedde ar-{-\'. "j."::; -t8o1orqo.tnau aldurs

r ;::-:_

::,

aqf Suucafep ur sl:aj:,-e

el{l sE ol JeJeJ auos utt_-,r, eql ssotJe auoaluos a:s :. -.'. '

slcelqo .ro eldoed ro; pe^Jeser '(uDar,$ Ivnsrft lDuuaft erl] sB ot raJer eulos

Le,tre

j Jaqto pue ae1ep8-irue l:i,--.. t. '---

urerq rnod se Surtelrsetl;.1esrnod pu1; ,{eru noL 'taay aerl{t ot o1'tl Jo eruetslp alerurxordde uB urqlr. a eruoo pue uosrad rer{louB preldol e.tour no,rt sy

pJlsa^ur ele .(aq: .t: q- . '_ :no ':aquretuag 'q:: . -: : . ro e^rlc€Jll€ 'eJEsun :t ?::

oqt Jo salcsnu qtoouts 'aug ar{} :arBJ er{t uI oIBt ol pasodsrperd sr urerq rnod 'dtrurxord esolJ ur uosred legtoue Suuaayq 'ruBeJts IBnsrA Jseu oql ol slsnlDe

'pe^resqo dlesolc Suraq esoql pu€

eJ€s

peuraep

;o pJE,{\ot

SJ.\.\LU

rsol:) dn sl 1Ao1

WIRED FoR LOVF The eyes play an important role in igniting reai love. When you gaze inro your partner's eyes, you can see not only his or her essence, but the entire play

I would agree. In la;:.

iarity when thel are .r-.':.

--

:

-

-

: l.- :-

of the nervous system. You can witness the live, exciting, and rapidly changing inner landscape of emotion, energy, and reality that belongs to and defines

easily maintained ar

inrpr'::.:.:

:

your partner,

because at close f dnsc. :.-

:

It is an unavoidable fact that the body shows signs of deterioration as we age. The most obvious signs, such as changes in hair coloq weight, posture, or agility, are apparent at a distance. Closer up, signs of aging include wrinkled

ently strange anJ cr:'.- .=.. which makes Lls a\\ arq -. just enough familiarir'. :- : -:

up,

it

becomes

-

skin and gnarled fingers. But have you noticed the one body part thar seems miraculously immune to aging? The eyes! As long as we're mentally and emo.

tionally healthy, they remain beautiful, vibrant, and vital. It's as though, through them, we have the means to fall in love permanently at our disposal. A few minutes of sustained gazingcan lead to relaxation, a sense of safety,

and full here,and.now engagement. Attachment authority Daniel Stern (2004) terms this moments of meeting.

EXTRCISE: Fn.c ,,

Try this exercise \\itir

,,'"

outdoot area \\hete \, r,r[] when ]ou meel Pa(lt ' .

''-

that's convenient to llirrli-

partnet

Kent and Sandra are in their fifties. They have been married for twenty. five years and have grown children who are now out of the home. Though

fit, neither has done anything radical to offset the

natural aging process. Many of their friends have undergone plastic surgeries and injection treatments, but thus far this couple have resisted the peer pressure to remain unusually youthful.

Kent and Sandra realized early in their relationship that gazinginto each other's eyes had the power to rekindle strong feelings of love. Kent says,

"\7hen I look into Sandy's

eyes it's as

if I'm meeting her for the first time all

over again." Sandra echoes that sentiment.

ficafion. f)rr\

,r':

from thenr.r See Don't starei

'"

:-

h-

2. Afler d teu r,;''..

frontearltotlr''

, ,

-'..,

'

attend to \our 1,ail":"

3. Finalll.

r orrr

ltrrl'- -

e\er, heep \0Ll|

F,

-.

-

see so

Recently, Kent and Sandra have noticed that friends who complain of boredom and dissatisfaction in their long.term relationships tend to avoid close gazing. These couples often talk and joke about lusting over strangers ar a distance, as if that could solve their problems. Kent and Sandra wonder if

the tedium their friends suffer isn't parrly due to a lack of close gazingand the

162

ii' - >: hott hi: ." " .'

smell and lour lr. c-'' ,

"I never tire of looking at Kent. I

much in his eyes, beyond anything I could put into words."

inability to rekindle love.

'

-

1. Stand or sii

MTTTING AGAIN AND AGAIN

each remains physically

-

, ,:

4. Switch roles. arrrt '-1 about your da\.

5. Compare note\.

H,'\'.

0pen and closed) mOst connected?

a|ii

E9I

eqt pu€ Eurze? asotl: I r{:: dp0lc0uu0c lsotll

puu puu uedo (pesolc loo1 n0^ plp luorxotu lellm lV iJoJltp acuutstp u 13 'salou e;udLuo3 '9 se,{e Utr,r,t) dn esolc Fut}uler ;o sacueuadxa aql plp MoH ',{up rno,4 lnoqu no,{ fiur1su ;aul.rud ;no,,i tllt'u

I

UFno;q1

[

sdats luadel puu 'soloJ t1cllms

JI lepuo^d BrpuEq

Fu: -_:-

le s:e8ue;ts re.\o Eur-.:- .plo^e ot puet sJtu... -: ;o urelduor oq.\\ rF-: -.- -

--

't

..

oS ees

I 'lue)

.1_

'

lE ir'-. j

'Furruoq osJnoc J0 pull 'qcn01 pu€ llotlls sp qDns 'sosuas Juou Jot.llo ;no,{ ,{1uo osn puu pesolc se,{e ;no,{ deel lane -M0r,l 'orurl srql ',{ltultxord 0s0lc u! lcBq uollusJonuoc otll 0pnlcu0c ',{1;uut1 'g

MoJ

j,- :-- -' " ll€ elun lsll eql 's(es lua;q J.\o[ .]. ,- - : q3ea olur Surze6 req:

'se,{e s,.touuud lno,{ ol puelle ioJoJaq s€ polcauuoc su laal no,4 o6 'uluFV 'no,{ uoomloq leaj ,{luonrl ls30l ]e anuq 'a;qtssod Jl JoLllo L.lcllo tlIoJJ

uudu anou 'Furyut potlslul3 suq raupud lno,{ e;o3eq 'so}nulu

u JaIJV 'Z

i

:..

-serd read eqt patsrs:l r..,'

seuaS;ns:riseld pu ::;' -or 1e}pr-:-'---

eql

'uollurrJoJut to1 se,{e s,;eupud ;no,{ Fuluuucs deey iaJuls 1,u00

lesJJo

t13noq1 'euroq :Ll:

'aull auus aLll lu se,{o alll 0l puatlu pug uolsll uuc no,{ Jl oas iuaLll tu0J} uualF no,{ 0p sanc luqM 'se,{a s,;euuud ;no,{ ol u0!lu01lp ,{ed 'uottuclJ lse puu ue1s1; no,{ sV 'suM ,{ep leq J0 slq Moq reuuud

-.{tue,nl lo; pJtllP'.u

: -'-;:-

:

-rJulc JoI suollsenb

rnoA 1sy'lLudu laeJ oMl uuql oJotlt 0u',41tLu1xold 0s0lc u! lls J0

'no{

puuls'L

1o t.lloq 01 luatuonuoD s,lutll

eurt ,{uu lr? I 0p uuc no,{ lnq '^€p 0t-11 }0 puo otll lB Jatlto Ucuo loou no,{ ueqnn aslcJoxa slql Fulop tsaFFns | 'JotlloFol 0u0l? aq uuc no,{ oJOLIM saJE J00pln0 e J0 [il00J eF;ul B p00u lltM no^ 'louupd ;noA qllnt oslcJOXO stut ,{;l aFJpl

)fvg

CINYIIVJ OTXVIN WOXJ

:IISI]UIXI

uJels ieIuEQ

'\lllrlu--: r:,' : :

',4re;esyo asues E 'u

'lesodsrp rno te .ip -r:'- .' 'q8noqr sB s.ll 'lrl-. :-: ::;

-oruo pue l,lletuaru

JoJ

'tuetuallrxe pue e^ol elPul{ar ot sseu're8uerls Pu€ q8noua lsn[ ^lIr€IIIurE} pue dlle,tou;o ure8e eJB,{\e sn se]eul I{f,Itl^\ s^\olle

srql 'lrr]rqerctpardun

'ssau-le8uells s(raqto qr€e jo ere,4de aulof,aq arlX 'xelduror PuB a8uerls {lua -loqur sr aas e,ld. let1,u 'sade s(Jeqlou€ olut 3ut4oo1 a.ro. se 'e8uel esolJ le esn€f,eq

sl slI{J '[l]reIIFueJ Jo alels lelol E uI uIEuIar ol elqtssoduu satuocaq ]l 'dn Iool e^\ uaqlN 'ef,uelslP e l€ Peuleluleu l'psee asolc seLe s.reqtoue euo otul

suollou c1lels JJo 3ur,u1 ere [et1l uagm d]tret ere teqt suollou 'reqtouu euo Jo o.^d,l roJ Lsee s,lt 'lce; u1 'aar8e plnom 1

lliue; Surtlnp otul elles ot eldoad

sure;s t€qt tred rp.':. ; pJl{urr,r\ epnllur F:-i:.'. .. lo'alnlsod'lqfira.1':---. : e,/r\ sE

uoI]BlotJOteF

sour3ep puB

_:

.

: :

--

-i

ol s8u,-'r -- - ,

-

'j - - :

-Bueqo ,{1prde.r pue ezeB noL

otul

altua eqt tnq '?t *:"i i:

Leld

uaq.\ ':: . '

,

rsol:) dn sl r^ol

WIRED FoR LOVE

Up CToSE wITH ISTRNoS AND WAVES

touch sometimes made

i

hin-L

her breath and her skin. He

some individuals, especially islands and waves, have trouble up close. They may not pick up important cues from their partner or simply not pick them up

anything but

quickly enough, or may not know how to quickly fix misattuned moments. Al1 is not lost, though, because if the wave or island's partner is what I have

burie.l herself in work ai

-

-

for married couples; it

:-.

-i

a

brief peck ;,::

Irene, herself an islar.: r-,

termed a competent manager of the other, he or she can make up for the It is not essential for both partners to be equally comperent managers; however, if one is particularly bad at it, the other must be much

moon is over."

other's deficits.

'','" Judd was in a panr: change in his sen:oriur: .

better.

Because he avoideJ

-.

ings ol love

RTrcINOLING WITH ISLANDS Many islands experience some degree of difficulty with close.up interactions, although this may not be apparent during courtship. As their name suggests, islands tend to prefer gazing either inwardly or distantly.

\We can look

to their childhood to explain why this happens. Many isiands did not experience a lot of physical contact as children, or did not receive the mixture of comfort and stimulation that comes from a parent gaz.

ing into an infant's eyes. Rather, the contact they did experience may have been overly intrusive or misattuned. As a result, many adult islands experi. ence aversion at being what they perceive as too close to a partner. This aversion can include not onJy gazing, but the near senses of smell, taste, and touch. Many islands report feeling inexplicably irritated and even harassed by

their partner's attempts to get near or to maintain close physical contact. They may feel at once intruded upon and ashamed of their aversive reacrions, and may attempt to conceal it with avoidance, excuses, withdrawal, or anger. Judd, an island, loved to gaze at Irene when they were dating in coflege. He fell in love with her deep green eyes. Her pupils always seemed wide open, as

if guilelessly inviting him to merge with her. So beautiful, so engaging, so

safe, he thought.

Two year into the marriage, something changed. He began to see her eyes pushy, as invasive, and meddling. Her pupils always seemed constricted, like

little pinholes. He stoppe d gazing into her eyes. He preferred looking at her from afar, while she interacted with others. when she sought physical proximity, he felt annoyed. The sound of her voice aroused anger in him, and her

164

.

cl -= for her. H. -

novelty with her. She b. : -.:'.

At the same rinrr. T--: engaged in occa:i.:..- -, whom he could r.lrrtr he had done

--.

trth I:.:.= .:

i '

demanding oi cor.r:r. -. - and he would qui.... :.. ' Judd r,r as torsc- . -'ries and kickeJ hr:. - -- After trr o \\ gs-.r - -

i:- .- - ple starred "Jatin: .,. eyes. His fiedr:tr.:-: .:... -

begged lrene 1,'r :

.

.

of her voice \\arn.i* of love for

]r.n-.

i:

-:

shortly thereattc:. .^..: : : -. "Whar's \\ ftrr.- .i .. - -

rr-.-'.- : -' vinceJuddtos,'r :.,., Fortunareh'.

seriou: problenr. ;i'

.,. .-,

REKINIDLI\L,

.

Unlike i'lanJ.. .. .. -:

-

even crave

phi.i,., :

S9I

IIr^\

se^ed\ 'suoltBrnp 3uo1 .ro; Alrrurxord 1ecis,{qd el€rf, uale

^le)illl€eu rleqt pue sasuas

qtI.4A

elqeuoJuloc eq ot Pual

SIAVM

sa^tem 'spue1$

eIlpn

HII^^ DNI]CNI)Et

rarl pue 'tulrl ul ra8uz

suoIs,IaAB

stq 'reryearetp

lI

{iroqs

'euar1 ro; alol Jo

aql'qlnot

sn1

ol dn peu^\o ppnf'uorleredes 1n;ured;o uer{.^d,

s{ee,tr o.{\]

re}V

'3snoq eql lno rulq pe]ll>I PUE sell uelqord srq rrrupe ol Pef,ro; se.tr ppnf

(('JOAO SI UOOUI

::;

-xord lecrsdqd tq8nos :-;s raq re 3ur1oo1 pe"r.ia:a:_ :

e{}l (petJutsuor sede

'u,t\o lleqt uo ellos or q8nor era.^d. l€ql sruelqord snolres aroru eqt sseJppB plnoc .{agr os req qtt.&\ Lderagr eldnoc ol oB ol ppnf acui,r. -uof, ot alqe se.r pue rualgord aql peauSoceJ aueJl 3ul1l slql 'Llaleunlro'{ 'rq8ru pue lep {ruaps Pal]lo,4d eq .(laur qlrm Suorm s{l€qfN,,

'paurntal

're.te.trog 'esnoq aql otul lceq ,(e,tr slq UIA{ ol PJBq l,us€r

eclo^ leq Jo asues pe.tteuel slrl qtllN 'Suruur8aq oql uI peq 11 sE rulq PeuIrB^\ sosues l€eu sr11 'se.(a PuE 'atset 'qletus raq ur parg8riap ure8e punos

ueer8 daap rer{ otul EurzeB pe[ofue uIBFE ecuo e11 'ure8e,,8ut]ep,, perrers a1d -nof, eqt 'Ll.lrroyg 'ellf,uoreJ o1 peer8e euarl 'arueqc Puocos e ro; euoll pe88eq pue saletsrur

-llepuu1 srrl pera^ocslp euarl

'uonef,Iumuurol IIB lJo rnc dllcrnb PIno.& aq Pu€ reeddear plno.4A suorlceeJ oAIsraA€ srq 'luatue,tlolul Penulluoc;o Sutpueurap oot aurecoq ueuro,l.r. B Jalauaq,^A tng 'Sutuur8eg eql ur eueJl rlll^\ auoP Peq aq se 'acueruol pue xes 1o drrtrqrssod pu€ tueurotlrxe aqt e^IIoJ PInof, oq utotl.4d.

qtr^\ uaurord. rill^\ sPuels lgSru-euo PuB seJuelileP I€uoISBf,co ur pa8eSue aH 'e3u€tsrp E le sJarlto ro; Suttsnl JIOsuIq puno; ppnf 'au]u etues eql lV 'ulq or arn8r; 'lerprueJ tou JI 'reryue; {ra,to ue auleraq arls 'rer{ llnr d113neg ro sseu-ra8uens reqtla ;o s8urlee; rapue8ua t,upJnoo eH 'req roJ e^ol;o s8ul iaal alpurler ot de,,n ou pBr{ eq 'auar1 qt}^\ lotstuor asolr PaPIo^B eq esneleg 'os rq8noqr l,lutelrac eH le^ol Jo tno ualleJ aq PBH lurnlrosuas sttl ui e8ueqo E rlrns pesner e^Br[ plnoJ Jlesrulq pe1sB eq ']€r{lN 'crued e ut se.ra ppnf

paue.:

req eas ot ue8aq

;

:; :

os 'Sur8e8ue os ,1n;un::,:

'uado eplarr Peulaas S-iE,:",-i 'e8a11oc ur Surlep Oir.,,.: "-t _ 'ra8ue ro '1e..ue:pql-'r,

'suollcEer

'lrBluoJ

eAIsJaAE

.::;-:

llt---_:

rs.-t -r: rr-.:

leotsdgd

Lg pessereq ue,\o F,u:

pue 'e1se1 ,1]erus,1o s:._:, -JaA€ srqJ .raut:ed ? ,tt :.: -uedxa spuEISr tlnFr ...r: _ acuar:alr; : :

eneq Ler-u

-zeB:ua:ed € Luor-r i;-._

tou plp ro 'ualFlirj: j, 'suaddeq sirrAue;zr1

_- .

.

.:, _

'f,1tuersr :-- .-: our€u Jraql sy .jr-_-,:_ -Jerolul dn-aso1: ul:.i ._ - :

.

)l-

qf,mu ag lsnut laqtLi

tu-

_

tuataduroc dllenba ai -: ::; erlt JoJ dn aqeu uEt t--: lautjr* : I -:

SIIAVM CINJ\

tulq epetu sarultaruos qcnol

PJunIESl.: : 1ld :ou .riJ:*., _ _ :,.. -

-Lauoq ag1,, 'pres legl ueq,Lr. ]uBetu eldoed teq.{\ se.t\ lt lseldnoc Palrreru roJ eseqd e .lduls s€^\ slqt Jlosraq perulluof, pue {ro,t\ uI Jlosleq pelrnq lernleu eqg 'Suruaddeq se.{\ ecrtou ot peut 'puelsr ue teq^\ tou 'auar1 ;lasraq 'sdq eqr uo e lng 8utqt,(ue lced;euq 'ulls rotl PUE tl]Earq rer.[

e^eq J lell^\ sr 'sluauroru dn r-uaqt

Laql

-,.

'aso1c dn alqno::

plo^E ot ue8aq pue sassl{ rler{} Surdolue paddors aH 'eltslrq Jo llarus aqt ot e^ursues dlppo eurecaq eH

rsol)

dn st 1Ao1

WIRED FOR LOVE not experience aversive reactions to a partner, unless they have a history of physical or sexual trauma, in which case they may be simultaneously adverse

negative

to the closeness they crave.

married.

Other

c;-

fee

-

.i:.=,

.

But Co:..-=.. ,

Because waves crave close contact, they can appear overly intrusive, even

-. :

and withdra,,'.

threatening, to their partner, especially if the partner is an island who is sensi' tive to approach. tVaves may not be aware of the effect they have on their

from hin-r, S.rr.-.:r.

partner, and therefore not make an effort to correct their errors.

ishments oi

Unlike islands, waves tend to have experienced lots of physical contact as children and often report memories of a parent gazing into their eyes. In

she took rc !:

i.

about herse-f

..-

come-hither qualities of closeness craving can be extremely attractive and seductive. However, once a committed relationship has been

least

courtship,

a wave's

established, the wave can begin to perceive threats of rejection, withdrawal, or punishment-whether real or imagined. The wave's overly sensitized antic'

ipation of rejection may result in rejecting his or her partner, and the inability to rekindle love.

',,.

-

..

interesi;:

: ;::

she had rei-. Jose.

It diJi: .., . hadhapper.r -':'

.

words, "amazingl" She was head-over.heels in love.

their destru::.

.

couple the:.: ,

=

NrNru Cr- :

going to visit her parents the following weekend, when Jose suddenly broke all eye contact.

The

Consuela noticed immediately, but didn't say anything because she was afraid he might use it as an excuse not to visit her family. She knew he didnt

tirne throtLa'. :". . primitii'es :.-r , :'

enjoy being with them as often as she did.

you were

her concerns to herseif. 'Why did you puil away at dinner?" she demanded. jose looked startled. "'$7hat are you talking about?" "'When we were discussing the visit to my parents. You wouldn't look me

in the

can

ninth::.,--

:

:::,: -' be pr.: -. -

brain's

pre:r::

-

way, I sue:..:

]n the :'.=.

eye."

"Huh? I was looking at you. I alway look at you." When Consuela insisted

1.

-

.

Dc:., :.

he wasn't meeting her eyes, Jose got defensive. "!7e11, I was taking the bones out of my fish," he said. "You want me to choke to death?"

SOl1--; . .:

Consuela turned out the light, got into bed, and turned her back to Jose. "\il/hat happenedJ" she silently despaired. "What did I do to cause this change?"

CUS|--.:-.'

166

-

ing older ma-.

ously ador:r=

Later that night as they were getting into bed, however, she couldn't keep

:

i:.:

Consueia, a wave, saw her romance with Jose as a dream come true. He (also a wave) was dashing, engaging, and fun ioving. Their sex was, in her

After the couple married, Consuela began to notice Jose making what she considered to be small shifts away from their close physical contact. For example, one evening at their favorite restaurant, they were talking about

:

!--ts!'

rr'it:-

-

-

:

-

-

r,,

L9T

Jo euo JI

tI otul

esBe

ot se^lesrno^

^toll€

(alull aulBs eql

lv

's]ql qll^\

strlurl JnoI qsnd ol no^ e8€JnoJua I 'lcEluos e^3 e^lsuelxa o1 PeulolsnJ -cBun eJE oslB se^B.t\ Pu€ sJorlcuE euros lnq 'spuelsr Jo enrl Llletcedsa

sl

slql

'sal,a

ot seuroJ ll

laql

otur .!ear; Surqool-auo Pe^ol E uala-euoeluos

ueq^{\ InJqsEq Lllernteu are eldoad eruog ^ft1s eq

:noL aprn8

r.uoq 'I

ol seldtcuud Sunroddns auros aJB areq 'erurluuaur aql uI

',4.rt rI€J e tr uem8 a.Leq no,{ I1tun luaur8Pn[ a,Lraser nol ]sa88ns I 'Len srqt ur alr^teJ ot peldrueue Lpearle t.ue^Eq no[;1 're,'rr o] uorlrsodsrperd s,ute-rq

rno.( Surtrncrrr4JoLls ot lunoulBtuel st Eutop are nod lEtllN 'Punolord aq uer stlnsat er{l la^ 'alduls ,le.trfdacep punos deur sIqI 'Parotueue lsr$ eratr notr ueq^d sB s.(em arues eql ut e8e8ua l,lleuorluelur ol sroPesseqrue pue sa.nrlnuud s,rauued rno,( pue rnol uo 8uq1ec dq srqr oP notr 'PDiuoJ a{a q8nottp autl {ooq sql ur aldrcuud qlup eI{I

kn tp aaol na\t

alpw\a.L upc

slauin4lBql

sIIt esnec ot op I I]Bq raq paurnt pu

,,2a8uer1c

'eso[ or

(.lql€eP seuoq eqt 8ur1er

se.rrr,

1

'11a,

Pelslsur €lensuoc ueqlN,,'r aul

lool tpPlno \ no^ 'stua ,,llnoq

'PePu€ureP aqs ((lJeuurP

daal rpplnoc eqs r,uPrP eq

^\eul

l

'ra.ra.r,r.oq

eqs

.,r,Ilue-1

sB^\ eqs esneJaq Surqr,tue

sI

:rTdIfNItd DNICIInD HrNIN

1e a>1orq dluappns esof uaq

inoqe 3uo11el ere^\

Laq|I

JoC 'tcBtuoJ lecrsdqd esolc

leqm Suqetu esof ecr]ou 'e^ol rlel{l elPulle.r

PUE

suoIlEuIIJuI

eAB.4a

e^IlcnJlsap

lleql

eldnoc puEtsrepun ot elqE are.,r,r [aql 'lsrderaq] e 1o dleq eqr qrllN Jetua ot peer8e eqs 'eso[ g]1.t\ eilcuof,al ot ]druelle req u1 'sal,a Suuope dlsno 'Lde;aqr

-r,r.ard

s,puerurv uI ul€pslp

^^dES

^\ou

Jer{

ur

'sBA\

*a. ,r"q1 '3.rr

eH 'enJl euroJ urBarP E sE

BlensuoC 'e8etlreru rag ut paueddeq peq

Llaruerlxe eq uer Sur.rerc ss u1 'sa.{e Jraql olur ButzeE

-qsep E 'puerury qtl^\ JI€JJB uB ol pal strp '.\1en]ue^E 'req uI Polserelul lseel oq.^d. ueur.{q pe8pel,vrouIf,E sE.{" eqs uarl^rJleslaq lnoq€

te.merpqrltr 'uorlcefar 3o sl uaeg sEq drqsuoneler peur

Surrrerteq os plp eqs 'rulq qtL\\

qtr^\ PEq ecuo eqs e^ol Punoj^deu Jo lueulellJxe eql PeJe^of,sIPOJ PeI{ eqs uI elour ol Joq paPensrad oq,m 'ueru .tep1o 8ur

dlqrqeul eq] pue ':auued:a -f,Ilue pezrlrsuas l,pa.ro s,a,r

'asoI

se

lsnf 'a]Erorratap ol dtrlsuoneleJ slqt ro; 'rela.troq '3uo1 a1et r,uPIP ]I

tB Jo ueDrus pareedde

poo8 r1e; aqs 'srer{ Sutlaes saLe ro; }uauruoJllua aq} Suluuecs

ol {ool

aqs

'puetsul 'l,e,lo,e pa>1oo1 aqs 'sa.(e leq otul {ool ot PeIJt eq ueql6'lel{Jo slueulqsl -und pasoddns srq roJ turq qsrund ol UoJJO ue uI (^lu8ue saurlJaulos 'ulg ruor;

eqg 'Lre;luoc er{t ol petsalotd eq qBnoqr uane 'lealerpqll^A ^d,erpqlr^{ uortrefar sade srq ur aas ot ue8eq eqg 'urq e^allaq t.uplp €lensuoo lng

PUE

s€

tf,Eluos pcrsr(qd;o srol p .sJoJ.re

Jraql

ll

Jraql uo eneq ,{aqr t3aJJe -rsues sr oq.4a puBlsr

uale 'eArsnllur

u€

l,Fe.Lo

sr Jer

readd

'PerJJEur

derp ero;aq u€rlt eroul JaI{ pe^ol arl patslsut eH 'Jeq PIE^Aot sBuIIeeJ a,uleBau due paruep {luauraqa,n esof 'etur] qlEA 'pe^\olloJ suonetuoryuoc Jeqlo

1SO1:)

asle^Pe zi,lsnoauellnu,rrs aq 7o

.

drorsq e e^Eg derll ssal

an 5l 1AO1

WIRED FOR LOVE both of you feels shy.

If the discomfort

persists, investigate what is

L

keeping you from feeling safe and secure with each other. 2. Vary your approach.

I

stress eye contact because of its great potential

to rekindle love. But the other near

senses are powerful, as well. You

may want to turn the I See You exercise into I Touch You, or even

it with the

try

senses of smell and taste.

try rekindling love through eye contact until a fight has erupted with your partner, it may be too late, at least for

3. Don't wait. If you wait to

Live a F{. Lifer F{on. Car

that instance. You want to practice ahead of time, when tensions are low. The point is to find ways to rewire so your ambassadors are pre' disposed to come online before your primitives. Then, when tensions do rise, that more loving response will be second nature to you

I*ftt;.r

.': ': long, but the anr, .:: Now suppt'.c '.' :: - .' body. Imagine i l-. ,: .

:

how much enc::'. Addiiionally, rakc :: from that leakr-

:

ci:-. :. .

inflammator\', ani :---,.- : load, we can devel

:

. .: .

disease, diabete.. .,::..:.-

relationship. stron.. increasing it. \'es. ir

:::.

largeiy up to vou. S :-,:

168

:

[ueu osle ]nq 'elduexe JoJ sPuBIsI-slEnPI^IPul eulos 'noL ol dn dle8rel sr noL rol slro^\ lI Le.lrr qorq,'tr pue 's[em q]oq IJo,^A uBf, lI 'sa 'lI Sulseerf,ul ro Surrnper retpre Lq ,peol Jnelsoll€ rno ecuenuul l,18uous 'drqsuorlelar pelruruor .{reuttrd rno {letradsa pu€ 'sJerllo ql}^A sdlqsuollelal JnO 'er8pftuorqr; pue'stluqlre'selaqerp'esBesIP ,suretsds

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rlt€tsollv sB

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elrd eql ue'4AEf,J

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^dols

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suolsuel ueq,r

no^ IBaH uE3 :oJI-I dlqsrouued rno ^aoH rarqtlBaH 'rerddeH B e^Il

-erd ere sropESSEqLuE ::.-,''rJ._ - : elE suorsuel uJr1.\\

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WIRED FOR LOVE waves-choose to forego relationships, at least primary ones, in favor of soli tude because they find committed relationships too stressful. They may avoid stress, but they avoid closeness, as well. Others readily pursue relationships, only to find themselves feeling abused, neglected, or otherwise dispirited by the realities of their marriage or union. The stress they encounter in their relationship puts them at risk for illness. Still others find themselves in rela-

-!: :. tionship and rherr i;:.-- Lorraine it u a.n't. T: = :: i more difficult bc-.,

-ognize how ther'\\-er- ::.:::.: outright threat., thc', :-: ..: ellects their behar r. :

',r

t.r.. -: they did, somethrni r r- : -

This chapter focuses on the health hazards as well as the health benefits that come with a primary relationship. As you read it, consider what you

immediare[y, a: JiJ

might do to ensure that your relationship mitigates stress and always contrib-

tions.

utes to your greater health and happiness.

and in their social lr-o.

r. - --: 'The chilJr.n ,l: , ::--

one another, bur

STRESS

If you ask a couple to identify the main sources of stress in their lives, chances are they won't point to their relationship. In many cases, that answer is exactly

it

should be. However, for some couples, this represents a blind spot. Aithough they may be alert to stress in other areas of their lives, such as stress as

caused by a boss at work or financial problems, they are

.

-:

Ralph and Lorr

tionships that help them thrive, energize, and destress.

THT HAZARDS OF HTOOEN

in denial when it

comes to stress in their relationship.

Ralph and Lorraine have been together for more than thirty years. Midway in their marriage, both made expiicit and implicit suggestions that the very existence of the relationship was in continuous question. For example, when they fought, Ralph would say, "lf you don't quit yelling, you won't have anyone to yell at anymorel" Later, he'd say, "I don't know, maybe I'm just

]-

- -.

ih., :.

-

I often tell cou;.:: :-. rhings that are ann' \::.- their partner. You can b; :.:.:. it later. But threats .-ni.::, matter what .ot, con.::;: -. .

ening by your pannc:. :-.:. behaviors that

trpic.:11 r:

-

Raging

V

Hir ting or t'ri

V

Threats agair.:::..-

V

Threats asair.-: .:..

?

Threatt asain.: . "'

v

Holding on r, : :

started to frequent the emergency room with complaints of heart palpitations.

?

Relusing ro rqr ,-l

Fortunately, Raiph and Lorraine were able in therapy to get to the bot, tom of what was making them sick. Life was hard enough, but it was even

?

Withdrau ins

not cut out for this marriage thing." she was angry, Lorraine would say,

"If you pull that pathetic crap

one more time, I swear, I'm out of herel"

During this time, two of their three children began to manifest symptoms of depression and anxiety. Lorraine started to become physicaliy symptomatic,

with a range of inexplicable illnesses. Her immune system was compromised, and she too became depressed. Ralph, who had a family history of heart disease,

170

.

Br Axxoyr\c

?

\7hen

.

r: -

-:

.

r r r:'

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sE^\ t1

lnq 'g8noue p

4oq eqt ol le8 or ddereqr 'suonelldpd tJeer{ Jo stuwl( 'eseesrp tJeer{Jo Lrolsrri dpr

oB

8ul]tel tou

raulred rno.{

o1

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ool ro; uo 3utp1op1 &

tuelroduJl sral{to lsuIEBE

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A

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se.,rr

tuelsl,s

'clteurotdruls l,lporsdqd euu sruotdurds tseJJuelu ot ueEe

uosrad eqt tsure8e slBerqJ & dlqsuouelar egl lsure8e

sl€erlll *

eruelor^Jo surroj reqto ro 3utit111 A

Sur8eg A :Suruatearqt paleplsuoJ are dllectd& leql srol^eqoq euros afe araq 'pres tBr{J 'ruelqord e a,teq noL uaql 'rauued rno.{ dq Surua .teenll se pe.l,racrad sI loI^EL[eq Jno^J] l8uluel€erql rePlsuoc fto( leqa relletu d11eer r,useop tI 'reloeJolAl '[]uncas Lre.t rno.{ lncJePun slearql lng 'relel 1l uer no1 'reu]red rleql rnoqe q8nel pue 'ere; rnod uo olltus

B

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DNTN1JVIXHI UlAlN :r".1lo

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11nd

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p r

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pu-e

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s

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110..'\

'sserl

qdleg

'lsn8srp pue ldrueluor qtl. d reqtouu auo pateail Laql 'sleerql lq8utno ot uortrPP€ uI 'Peol lllelsolle s(Jerllo gcea SursearJul ere,$ Leql .,toq ezru8o -cer t.uplp ,(eq1 dpule; eq] ur euodrelo uo Sul,Leg se.t\ rol^Eqeq Jieql slf,eJJe eqt azIIeeJ r,uplp pu€ sllgeq rIaL[] uI PalJf,ueJlue eral\ [aq1 'r,use.tt ]I euleJlo-l

pue qdleg o1 1nq 'snor,Lqo ulaes rg8rru srql JIos Jo asues rleql pue drqsuorl -elar eql ol qloq-leerlll lu€lsuoc roPun Pa^II tlJBa esnBceq llnll#IP erour

EJI'I

,€lel ur se^lesueqt PurJ sl3 Jreql ur Jelunocue Laqr

[q perurdsrp

asr.4c,Jeq]o

ss

lo

'

'sdnlsuoueler ansrnd l,ppea Lar11 '1n;ssar:s o

pIo^B

-Ilos 3o^Bru JOAEJ ur 'seuo dreun

lAI]

WIRED FOR LOVE 3. Do you or , ,-,' ,"i-

Being consistently unapologetic

th

-

realen i ng.

Behaving habitually in an unfair or unjust manner

Putting sel0serving interests ahead of the relationship too much of the time

?

Expressing contempt (devaluation; e.g., "you're a moron")

V

Expressing disgust (loathing or repulsion; e.g., "you make me sick")

4.

Do you and

lrealize lhese risk losing not onl\

"

-rr' :,:'

rl. ,, -

-

l,:

'i

L"

:

Lynn Katz and John Gottman (1993) studied the deleterious effects of partners' expressions of contempt and found that not only does this behavior put the relationship at risk, but it has a disruptive influence on their children's

HTRTTNG WITH

behavior. Gottman (2004) ranks contempt, which he defines as including disgust, disrespect, condescension, and sarcasm, as the number one predictor

It's not enough ro n-.:r.':--::

of divorce.

couple handled

If any of the behaviors listed apply to your relationship, then you or your partner are a threat to live with, and ultimately destructive to your collective wish to remain safe and secure. Remember, partners are wired together: where

one goes, so goes the other. If you are threatening or if your partner feeis threatened, or vice versa, it can't be good for you, either. You owe it to your relationship to immediately eliminate all threatening behavior. If this means seeking the help of a therapist, as in the case of Ralph and Lorraine, I can't

think of a better investment you could make in your relationship.

Serve aS your

. ----

Sfror-ri:.

thi: r:;-. Susi and Tam::, -: -.: contacr or nurturrr.. 1.. -' kissed as a child. .\: :r. ,- thought well of or.€

:r

-

-:

-

argulnent, but neir:..: =' .- -' j. . Iel lives and rareh r'-. weren't affectiona:. : l.-=.

Both Susi anJ

T,:-. , -

ther seemed good at ca.:--".:

EXTNCTSE: STTING THE BLIND

that their physical

SPOTS

nuni:- * obesin'. ,:.:

Do you think you might have a blind spot when it comes to the level 0f stress

she aged. Susi had

at h0mep lf you answer yes l0 the fOll0wing, stress may be hurting your

drome, diabetes,

relationship.

disr':.;. .

tag. Tamara had fibr. :'.. j -:

\Vhen this couple e,.'.--:

tact contributed to the'': i-. 1. Do you or others in your family have frequent and unexplained physical ailments, such as digestive problems, insomnia, chronic pain, chronic fatigue, or allergiesP Any autoimmune or inflammatory problemsP

2. Are you or others in your family suffering from depression or anxiety, or emotional overloadP

172

they were unheld babLcs.

.

:

contact. Although ther- :-e'"'. they took steps to develcr , sleep in the same room

anl :l

these changes resulred Tamara.

ir

:.

:-: .EJBUIeJ

:;: rsns qtoq iuou stulElduroc lerrsft{d PasnPeJ uI PelFser saSuEqc esel{l ",-:lrlnb.rlSulsudrng'rq8p le elppnr ot erult eperu PUE uloor eUIBS eqr ur deels -: .lr€ls Laql 'erurr tsrlJ erp

roJ elqqnq aldnoc e dola.tap

ot sdels loor laqr

.r-Jno: raqlo duuru sE ateuortceJJe sE eweJeg -ra,reu Leqt q8noqily 'lJ€luoc -=:rs rqd esolf, ol suoltf,ee.I uoISJeAB Suotts ,{eql PEri qree 'selqeq Plequn ere,r,r :!]1?leg ',!1see euroc rou plp eEuegc 'seo^\ tltlBeq rleqt ot Palnqlrluoc trEl -- j -r

I

_Io

{c€1 rraqt reqr ddereqr ur perelocsrp dllentuane aldnoc slr1l ueqlN

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Lagl

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lnq 'luerun8re

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ro 'palcor 'p1eq 'pa88nq Sureq sreguleutet reqtleN 'Suunlrnu Jo lJBluoc lecrslqd r{f,mu epl^oJd tou plp ter{t seIruIBJ urorJ eureJ €r€ruBl PUE IsnS 'enssr srqt papu€q eldnoc reqlou€ .l.roq JeplsuoC '3ureq11e,r,r pue tltleal{ JoJ eJro} tse8uorls lnoL se e.tles plnoqs pue u€c dSlsuopeler rnoL :euroq lB sseJts ezlulrulul ol q8noue lou s(ll

llT{Iflnfl ETdnOl

IHI NIHIIM

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slaa; reur:ed :no.(

,11

rc

:u:--:

eraq,u :raqleSot perr-!\ 3lE sla:

elrlJelloc rnoL ot a.\nlnllsa: .rnod ro noL

uaqt 'drqsuouzle

rotrlperd euo regrunu aqt Surpnycur s€ saur;ep eri s(ueJPIrr{J Jrerll

sE

riti

uo eluanliut

Jor^Eqeq srqt saop iluo tou l Jo slra#e snorretelep aqt Par (,,1cts eur aleru no.i,, ''3'a :

(,,uororu E at.na..-..

'Fuleq-llenn puu qluorl Jn0^ lnq drqsuotleler rno,{ ,{;uo l0u Fulsol ISU nOA

'lsu l,u0p n0^ Jl tnB 'lsE 0t suorlsonb qFnol oq ,{eu esaql OzllPoJ I i^ltuonllorJ tqFlJ Jouued Jno^ pup n0^ 00

qrnru oot drqsuorrele:

't

r

IAUU€IU tS:r

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lJr-l ulrHrlvEH 'UrrddvH v lAI'l

WIRED FoR LOVE

WE ALL NTTO TO BE TOUCHED

1.

every day.

\7e have known, scientifically speaking, since the 1950s, that every child

r

r.-r

lt can

l-,.

Find a time uhen

convenient.

needs touch, holding, and rocking. Harry Harlow (1958) and others, such as James Prescott (1975), famously studied rhesus baby monkeys and found a stronger drive for physical comfort than ior food. Others, such as John Bowlby

(1969), Margaret Mahler and her colleagues (Mahler, Pine, and Bergman

2. Spend this tinre

in

i l:'

or even cradle ottr

.--r'r ,

feels uneasl \rilh pf ',:

2000), and David Stern (1998) found identical needs in human infants and

your partner. Ch.rntt>

children. And these needs continue into adulthood. We all need to be

But that doesn

touched, hugged, held, and (at times) rocked by another. Even under minor

will not fully settle if touch is unavailable to us. Do you remember the study I mentioned in chapter 2 about the London

stress, our primitives

cabbies whose hippocampus grew larger on the job?

\7eil, a recent study by

'War veterans suffering Brigitte Apfel and her team (2011) found that Gulf from chronic stress had a smaller hippocampus than did veterans who had recovered from stress. One interpretation of this finding is that our hippo-

-

l

n ea''

about your health

rr.'.

Notice the efJect I1i

:i

r

health. AlthoLrglr rrL,l -r

full effect, l'd be srr; these first feu

dal:

campus actually shrinks when we are under stress for an extended time. Not

only does the hippocampus regulate our stress response, but chronic stress appears to inhibit its ability to control the release of stress hormones. \7hile you're unlikely to ever determine the size of your hippocampus, all this goes to say it's valuable to know something we may take for granted-such as the amount of time spent touching or hugging-can have measurable neurobiological consequences. Moreover, giving each other the touch you need may well have the capacity to reverse damages.

GUToTI,J

The tenth principle is rL:: -: each other's health. I tln: --b--.

t

:

to the principles presenr-:

-

effect ties together u h-r:

.,

bubble based in true nlrir primitives in check, an u:-r--

EXTRCTSE: Br MIoIcINE FoR EACH OrHrR How much time d0 you and your partner spend in close physical contactP

TENIH

avoid causing stress to

\r'i::

foster physical and emori.'r., I

t'rr::

don't mean just making love; that's part 0f it, of course, but there's much

Here are some suff

more: hugging, holding each other, cuddling, holding hands, kissing, giving a

1. Manage each other's

massage, and s0 0n. C0ntact in these ways is nOt Only enj0yable, it serves as

actual medicine for both of y0u-t0 help your body heal, and as a preventive means to maintain your health. lf you haven't already, I suggest you add this to your daily rouline over the next week.

174

reduction have bec.-, familiar with theseenough sleep, er.rcr: missing in most apprr ners can play. I'm s-r

SLI orl^A rerltoue euo uo slredxe sB 'l€ql 3u1rse33ns ur,1 deld uec sleu eqt si tuaua8eueru sserts ol seqceorddE lsoul ut Surssttu

-lred eior

oLll J0A0 oulln0J A;rep Lnor

SP Sd\JaS

eq .{peerle leur notr '.re1ndod dlSursearcur euocaq a^BI{ uol]onPeJ

o\rlud^OJd p sP puP 'lPdrl

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uI 'ssells s.Jeqlo qcee e8euel4

'1

:nod aprn8 ol seldlcuud Furlroddns euros e'I€ eJaH

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l,1e,ulce noL ,Surop os

uI

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l|alqPi0[t]d

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Llcnu s,OJaql lnq 'asJnol I dlDEtu0c

lEcls^Llcl asOll u

ulHro Hfvl

u

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s aldtcutrd qfuaf ag1

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WIRED FoR LOVE understand something about how your brains function, you can add

the dimension of stress reduction to your owner's manual. Knowing the three or four things that make your partner feel bad gives you an advantage when

it comes to detecting

stress and even anticipating it.

I

You and your partner can support one another in reducing stress by making sure you engage in healthy activities and achieve balance

in

your lifestyle. If you notice your partner isn't getting enough sleep, for example, step in and help find a solution. You might volunteer to take

on extra household chores until he or she has caught up on needed rest. If your partner is slacking in his or her exercise routine, this might

be the time to go to the gym together. Or if your partner had a hard

and most oi u,

you've talked about watching.

messing

2. Be aware of the unique experience of stress. As you help manage your

partner's stress, keep in mind that everyone experiences stress in a different way. For example, a tax audit that causes you to lose sleep could be seen by your partner as a minor blip on the radar. In this case, you each bring a different history and set of feelings about financial matters. So be careful not to impose your own evaluation of stress on your

partner. Remember, you are an expert on him or her. So when you help your partner reduce stress, you do so on his or her terms. And, of course, your partner

i.

will reciprocate in kind.

As you age....Not all illness is caused by stress, but stress can aggravate any illness and make it worse. As you and your partner age, you inevitably will encounter the natural challenges all our bodies face as the years advance. Know, however, that by loving one another fully,

learning how

to

defuse conflict and make choices that are pro-

relationship rather than pro-self, and wiring yourselves for love, you stand the best chance of enjoying a happy, healthy, and ultimately satisfying union.

176

en all is sar:

day at work, maybe tonight is the right evening to rent that comedy

rhin:.

Yet despite our best inren:i because we disregardei.

j:,

principles described in rhr.

This should give hcpe

r

wired for love, if not in rhrs late. And there is no onc rc

Thankfully, relationshi and you're out. Couples l::gertips. The universe keeps

reinvent ourselves in reiai:person. We just need rc er. more life-enhancing puiF,- ! pose must be based on

rru.

other; and on the u'ilhnir,,

irritating qualities.

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lenpr^rpul '116I 'uollelg

sasueJeJeu

WIRED FOR I-OVE

M. 1993. Patterns of marital conflict predict children's internalizing and externalizing behaviorc. Deuelopmental

Katz, L. F., and Gottman, J. Psychology, 29 (6)

:9

40

-9 50.

Kiecolt-Glaser J. K., T. J. Loving, J. R. Stoweil, W. B. Malarkey, S. Lemeshow, S. L. Dickinson, and R. Glaser. 2005. Hostile marital interactions, proin-

flammatory cytokine production, and wound healing. The Archives of General Psychiatrl 62(17) :137 7 -1384.

Marital €t Family Therapy 17(l):53-65.

J our

A. E. Clark. 2006. Do people really adapt to

nal of Happiness Studie s

Maclean,

:40

5

- 426. doi:

10. 100 7/s

marriage?

10902 00 6 -900 1 -x -

D. 1996. 'Women: A more balanced brain? Zygon 3l(3):47I-439.

P.

doi: doi:

7

10.

11

ll

I j.1467 -97 44. 1 996.tb00035.x

Maguire, E. A., D. G. Gadian, I. S. Johnsrude, C. D. Good, J. Ashburner, R. S. Frackowiak, and C. D. Frith. 2000. Navigation-related structural change

in the hippocampi of taxi drivers.

Academl of S ciences

97 (B) :439

B

-

Proceedings

of the National

403. doi: 1 0. 10 73lpnas. 0700 39 59

7 .

Mahler, M. S., F. Pine, and A. Bergman. 2000. The Psychological Birth of the

Ilumanlnfant

Symbiosis andlndiuiduation. New York: Basic Books.

McEwen, B. S. 2000. 'Allostasis and allostatic load: implications for neuropsychopharmacology" Neuropsychopharmacology 22(2):108-24. doi:10 .

10

16/50 893. r33X(9 9) 00129 3

8., and H. Gundersen. 1997. Neocortical neuron number in humans: Effect of sex and age. The Journal of Comparatiue Neurology

Pakkenberg,

384(2):312-320.

\7. 1995. Orienting in a defensive world: Mammalian modifications of our evolutionary heritage. A Polyvagal Theory. Psychophysiology 32:

Porges S.

301-318. Prescott, J. \7. 1975. Body pieasure and the origins of violence. Bulletin of Atomic Scienrists (Nov.) 10-20. :

Sapolsky, R. M. 2004. Wlry Zebras Don't Get Ulcers (3rd ed.). New York: Holt.

180

T.

2006. Arne':Differences, arrd R;:-. National Opinion Res

Stern, D.

N.

1998.

Ih;

Psychoana\sls arri Dci

Stern, D. N. 2014. T,..

:'

New York: Nortolr.

Larson, J.H., D. Crane, and C. W. Smith. 1991. Morning and night couples: The effect of wake and sleep patterns on marital adjustment. Journal of

Lucas, R. E., and

Smith,

:. l:=

Stutzer, A., and B.

i.:

::

l.'i.'.

.

happy peuplc 326-)47. Tioxel, Wendy \1.

sleep and implicanr,r-. doi: 10. 1097i PS\-..'b

a

l,'

Waite, L., and N4. Gaila; People Are Happter. i Doubleday. 'Weaver,

J. 2047. Manr- ch September 5, 2C11. -sexual_health,/

\il/innicott, D. \7.

1957.

York: Basic Books.

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THE USERS GUIDE TO

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