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THINK FAST, TALK SMART Quickest Way to Improve Your Communication Skills and Train Your Mind to Know What to Say in Any Social Situation By Ronald A. Valentino

 Copyright 2016 by Ronald Alexis Valentino - All rights reserved. This document is geared towards providing exact and reliable information in regards to the topic and issue covered. The publication is sold with the idea that the publisher is not required to render accounting, officially permitted, or otherwise, qualified services. If advice is necessary, legal or professional, a practiced individual in the profession should be ordered. - From a Declaration of Principles which was accepted and approved equally by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations. In no way is it legal to reproduce, duplicate, or transmit any part of this document in either electronic means or in printed format. Recording of this publication is strictly prohibited and any storage of this document is not allowed unless with written permission from the publisher. All rights reserved. The information provided herein is stated to be truthful and consistent, in that any liability, in terms of inattention or otherwise, by any usage or abuse of any policies, processes, or directions contained within is the solitary and utter responsibility of the recipient reader. Under no circumstances will any legal responsibility or blame be held against the publisher for any reparation, damages, or monetary loss due to the information herein, either directly or indirectly. Respective authors own all copyrights not held by the publisher. The information herein is offered for informational purposes solely, and is universal as so. The presentation of the information is without contract or any type of guarantee assurance. The trademarks that are used are without any consent, and the publication of the trademark is without permission or backing by the trademark owner. All trademarks and brands within this book are for clarifying purposes only and are the owned by the owners themselves, not affiliated with this document.

Table of contents Introduction The Mindset Improve your self-image Increase your confidence The power of smiling Get smarter Small Talk What is Rapport? How to Build Rapport Effective Smart Talk The ARE Method How to Give Powerful Presentations Giving a Good Introduction Building Rapport With Your Audience Concluding Your Presentation Nonverbal Communication The Importance of a Good Handshake How to Give a Good Handshake How to Read the Six Universal Micro Expressions Conclusion Spanish Version

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Introduction Does it ever happen to you that your mind goes blank and you can’t come up with something to say no matter how much effort you put into it? It is not that you are not trying, it just doesn’t happen. And once you remove yourself from the interaction your mind seems to magically start working again and you are able to come up with so many things you could have said, but you didn’t. Or sometimes you do come up with something while still within the conversation but it’s still too late because the conversation has already taken a different path and what you have to say simply isn’t relevant anymore. This inability to have a conversation in real time can often get you misunderstood. Sometimes you might even be called quiet or boring, and these labels are certainly not something that will add to your confidence and make you want to start new conversations with anyone. Labels such as quiet or boring will only make you more aware of your problem. If this is something that happens to you a lot, then this book is for you. In this book you will learn how to think fast and talk smart when you have nothing to say during a conversation. What is the solution for these problems? What can you do when you have nothing to say? The first part of this book will help you to understand why this is happening, because understanding the reason will greatly help you to change the way that you behave in social situations. You see, when you have social anxiety, your mind usually goes blank because you become overwhelmed by a fear that mentally paralyzes you. This fear is usually fear of embarrassing yourself in front of others, especially when around people that you like or people that you don’t know that well. It is a fear of losing your face, the fear of saying something stupid or something out of context that could make them think that you are weird or that you don’t know what you are talking about. When you say something that could be classified as embarrassing, that is when your mind goes blank during conversation. Further in this book we will talk of very easy ways to get rid of this way of thinking, we will reprogram your mind to believe that your words contribute to a good and greater cause, you will get rid of the fear of what others think about you, you will begin to transform your life by thinking fast and talking smart.

Mindset How you think will affect how you feel, which will affect what you say on your conversations, this is a fact. Your first goal in order to be able to think fast and talk smart is to untangle your thinking and get your mindset in the right place. When you involve yourself in a conversation it is essential go to in with a relaxed mindset. Think clearly of the points that you want to make and make sure that you understand the issue or what the other person is trying to communicate to you. Don’t concentrate your mind in thinking what to say, instead gather cues of what the person is really communicating to you and use those cues as a way to expand upon the conversation. Self-image The way you think about yourself will change how you engage and manage yourself in conversation. There is a direct relationship between your self-image and your performance and effectiveness. Your self-image is this bundle of believes that you have about yourself; it is the way you see yourself and think about yourself in every area of your life. If you want to change your life on the outside, how you interact with others and how you come off in conversations, you must first change the way you view your inner self. You will always perform on the outside in a way that is consistent with how you view yourself on the inside. All change and improvement in your life begins when you alter and improve your self-image. In communication, you have a self-concept or self-image on how good you are in conversations. If you have a good, positive, self-image about your ability to effectively communicate, you will get up every morning eager to engage in conversations and meet new people. If you have a poor self-image, you will always approach conversations with fear and anxiety, the very idea of conversation will make you tense and uneasy and you will do as little of it as possible, while continuously look for ways to avoid the activity because of your lack of confidence. Every person already has a self-concept of themselves, the higher and more positive you think about yourself, the more confident you will feel, and the easier engaging in conversations will be for you. Acquiring a good self-image is a very important step and one that you must take in order to change your life and improve the way you communicate. Believe that you have the skills and the confidence necessary to engage in conversation with anyone you like, begin to see yourself as someone capable of achieving your communications goals and work towards those goals every day. Increase your confidence

How can you be more confident, well I got a confession to make, about 10 years ago when I was just starting college I had no confidence. I couldn’t raise my hand in class, I couldn’t engage in any kind of conversation, and I felt awkward in every social situation. But let’s contrast that with who I am now, I’m no longer afraid of expressing my opinion, I’m no longer afraid of talking to people, and I’m no longer afraid of presenting in front of a large crowd. I now have fun and enjoy every moment of my life regardless of the situation. I can speak about my ideas, my projects, and my life with unwavering confidence. How did I develop this confidence? The answer might surprise you. I became confident by faking confidence. Fake confidence Have you ever heard the phrase “fake it til you make it?” well that is the exact phrase that has helped me to dramatically transform my life. Just because you don’t feel confident doesn’t mean that you can’t show confidence. There have been plenty of studies that highlight the correlation between your body and your mind. When you portray confidence, even though you don’t feel confident, you trick your brain to believe that you are actually confident. You might be wondering, “how do I fake confidence?” easy, next time you involve yourself in conversation, ask yourself the following question: “how will a confident person act?” this is a technique that I learned at attending a confidence camp a few summers ago, and ever since I learned it, it has done wonders in my journey to become a more confident person. The power of smiling Another way to increase your confidence is simply by smiling. When you smile, just like when you fake confidence, you tell your brain that there is nothing to fear. It is scientifically proven that smiling increases the activity on the left frontal cortex of your brain which is the area where happiness is registered. If you smile you will feel happier, if you feel happier you will feel more confident. A very good technique that you can use to increase your confidence by smiling is by simply sharing a smile with anyone that crosses your path, smile at yourself in the mirror for five seconds every morning upon arising, smile for no reason in your car on your way to work or on your daily commute. Try this technique every day for at least 30 days and I can guarantee that you will notice very positive change in your self-confidence. Get smarter Increasing your vocabulary is another great way to increase your self-confidence for conversations. The better you become at something, the more comfortable that you will feel. When you increase your vocabulary you diminish the fear of embarrassing yourself by not knowing what to say. With a good vocabulary, you will feel confident in any conversation, whether it’s a conversation with your best friend, your boss, or another person of high social status. Here are a few ways that you can increase your vocabulary, fast and effectively:

Reading books Attending seminar Attending presentations Researching words online Enrolling in a speech class Watching TV programs with rich educational content Practice these techniques every day and you will shorten the path to become a fearless conversationalist.

Small talk Small talk is a critical component of interpersonal interaction. Being able to make small talk and strike conversations with anyone can make a huge difference in terms of a first impression, whether it’s by trying to impress that future boss, a potential lover or maybe it’s just a good friend that you want to make a good impression with. Rapport When you engage yourself in small talk with anyone, your main goal out of the conversation should be to create rapport. Rapport is a term that refers to a state of harmonious understanding with another individual or group that enables greater and easier communication. In other words, rapport is getting along well with another person or group of people by having things in common, thus making the communication flow easier and more effective. In order to create rapport in small talk you need to focus on the things you might have in common with the other person, for example: Friends in common Same college Types of music Personal interests Sports Regardless of what it is, having something in common with the person you engage in conversation with can add a positive boost to your interactions. Other ways to build rapport Another effective to build rapport is by asking some personal but non-intrusive questions about them, and taking the time to listen. When you ask questions about someone’s life, you will be perceived as someone genuinely interested in them. It is a fact that most of us like to talk, especially if it involves talking about our journey or personal successes in life. Asking questions is a powerful technique to build rapport as it makes the other person feel good to express their achievements without the feeling of bragging. Also, when you are the one to ask the questions in an interaction, you will gain the control to lead the conversation to whatever way you want it to go. You can use the questions technique in instances when you want to find out information from other people to later be used in business or emotional matters. Showing genuine interests in other people by asking questions will also make people become interested in learning more about you. Once the tables turn (which more than likely will) and it’s your turn to answer the questions, make sure to answer them in a genuine and friendly way.

Below I have listed a few ideas and topics to ask questions about when engaged in conversation with someone new, questions such as: Birth place Occupation Goals Hobbies You can then slowly transition into asking about anything else you desire, whether it’s for business or personal purposes. This will first demonstrate that you are interested in them personally rather than simply interested in what they can offer you. It is important that you not directly state your motives of a conversation right from the beginning. If you come off too direct with your motives, it is very likely that you will be perceived as manipulative which is simply unnecessary when you are attempting to gain trust. Your motives should only be known when you have developed strong rapport with this individual. The importance of small talk Why is small talk important? When you engage in small talk with another person, you first need to break the most important barrier which is the approach. A lot of times we don’t approach someone to start a conversation because we fear of their response, we lack the confidence to approach and strike conversations with whomever we want. We tend to make up situations in our head of reasons why we should not approach and start a small conversation with them, rather than the good things that we could get from it. Once you break the barrier of the approach, regardless of where the conversation goes, you should feel a bit more confident and follow the flow of the conversation. A very good and effective method to follow when you try to start small talk with anyone is the A.R.E (Anchor, Reveal, and Encourage). The A.R.E method was developed by the communications expert Dr. Carrol Fleming, this method consists of three parts in order to effectively initiate small talk. The first part is the Anchor. Anchor- this is an observation on your mutual shared reality with the other person, it’s the first thread of connection between you and the other person. Dr. Fleming often referred to these observations as friendly noises. For example, if you try to start small talk with someone at a bar and one of the TVs that they are watching is playing a football match, you will want to start your conversation based on a comment that correlates to football, it could be something as simple as “How is the game?”

Reveal- This is the part where you reveal something about yourself that is related to your anchor, this could be something like “I tried playing football once but got tackled so hard that was left unconscious for a few minutes, I think I’m better at watching it.” When you open up a bit more you provide the other person with more ways to be able to connect with you, at this point the conversation might remind them of a time they got tackled, or about a time when they saw someone else get tackled in a similar way and can expand on the conversation upon this. Encourage- now you can pass on the conversation to them by asking a question. You can ask something like “what’s your favorite football team?” Let them respond and build upon their response and decide to either follow up with another question, or tell another one of your experiences. Try to strike a balance, asking too many questions can make the conversation come up more like an interrogation. Therefore, it is important to listen and let the other person talk. How to implement the ARE method Imagine yourself in a situation where you would really like to approach and start a conversation with someone you knew nothing about. Your heart begins to race and your mind starts to fill up with reasons of why you should not approach this person, reasons such as, he/she will think that I’m weird, it will be awkward, he/she might be busy and want to be left alone, I will do it another time, etc. I believe we have all been there at some point in our lives. So how will you handle this situation and fight against your mind to make the approach? Simple, remember what we have learned so far about faking confidence, smiling and the ARE method? Let me illustrate a scenario with a short story in order to better explain this concept. Take a look at the following image. For the purpose of this exercise I will give our characters the name Bill and Vanessa.

One Friday afternoon Bill is invited by his friend Mike for a night out to celebrate his birthday. They go out to grab dinner and then move on for a few drinks to a nearby bar. While at this bar, Bill and his friend meet up with other acquaintances of Mike, to which among them Bill notices a pretty lady standing by herself while her friends talk to Mike. Bill knows that he wants to talk to this pretty lady, but he also knows that he suffers from social anxiety and often times struggles to find the words to say while he is engaged in conversation. Then a thought crosses Bill’s mind, he remembers the” fake it til you make it” confidence technique and decides to give it a try. Bill then proceeds to walk toward the girl, while trying to come up with something to say, as he approaches her, he has a nice soft smile, his arms are to his side, chest up, head up and in strong confident voice he manages to say hello. The conversation then continues: Bill- “Hello” Lady- “Hi, how are you?” Bill- “Pretty good, I’m Bill, I’m Mike’s friend” while stretching out his hand. Lady- “it’s nice to meet you Bill, my name is Vanessa” Bill- “it’s surprising that Mike had never told me about you, did you two recently met?” Lady- “Yes, we actually met last week at Mr. John Roberts’s self-development seminar” Bill- “No way!? I was at that seminar too. Mr. Robert really knows how to get the best out of his audience with his amazing work.” Lady- “I love his work, have you heard about the new book that he will be releasing this upcoming spring?” From this point, Bill and Vanessa can continue the conversation and build upon their common experiences at Mr. Roberts’s seminars or with his work.

How to give powerful presentations Did you know that being able to deliver great presentations is critical in order to advance your career? But research also says that most adults will stop listening to a presentation within minutes if they aren’t convinced that there isn’t something in it for them. In this small section of this book, you will learn how to give a great presentation, engage your audience, and get your message across more easily and effectively. The skills that you will be learning about in this chapter will enable you to present with more polish, power and professionalism. Planning The first step and one of the most important ones when it comes to giving a presentation is to make sure to plan in detail your presentation and devote some hours of practice on your topic. The act of practicing your presentation will empower you and make you feel more confident on your message to the audience. It will also allow you to transition more smoothly during your presentations and avoid the audience from getting distracted by any mistakes from your lack of preparation. The introduction Having a good introduction for a presentation is essential in setting a mood that the presentation will follow. The typical opening remarks that most speakers make when they present in front of large groups of people are overly polite and boring, these openings tend to signal to the audience that what they are about to hear is nothing new, innovative, or even interesting. So what is it that separates the powerful, passionate introductions from those that are merely polite? A good introduction serves as a hook that captures the audience’s attention at the moment you begin to talk, and makes them keep their attention on the speaker throughout the presentation. A good opening should also stablish your believability and credibility with your audience, within the first few minutes of the presentation you need to get the point across to our audience of why you are the most adequate person to be delivering this message to them, this time should be used to highlight your personal and professional credentials. A good way to begin a presentation should be by introducing yourself with your name and stating your credentials, for example: “Hello everyone, my name is Alexis Valentino. I have a medicine degree from the University of Arizona and I have spent the past 10 years working at the St. Joseph Hospital and Medical Center in Phoenix Arizona.”

You can also share your credentials by telling a short story about yourself, people tend to remember and pay more attention if certain events are shared with them in small stories. You can try something like: Over the past 10 years in my role as a medical assistant at the school of medicine of California, I have been able to see and experience many stressful situations. There is a particular occasion that changed my life….” and build up from that. Regardless of which approach you decide to take, make sure that you accomplish your goal of letting your audience know why you are the most appropriate person to be giving this presentation, and why they should listen to what you have to say. Once you get your point across of why the audience should listen to you, you also need to point out what is in it for them. People in general tend to pay more attention to those things that feel personal and professionally relevant and tend to filter out anything that will not contribute to their personal or professional success. For this reason, it is very important that you also include a small takeaway for your audience within the first few minutes of your introduction. Once you have let the audience know who you are and what you will offer them with this presentation, you will want to create some engagement. The best way to engage your audience at the beginning of a presentation is simply by asking a few questions. Ask questions that are relevant to the topic of the presentation and make sure to stay away from controversial topics such as religion or politics, unless that is what your presentation is all about. Building Rapport in presentations After the majority of your audience has been engaged and are ready to hear what you have to say, you will then want to move to the next step, which should be creating rapport. Creating rapport during a presentation is not as difficult to do if you know how to create rapport on a one on one conversation. In order to effectively create rapport in a presentation you need to use cues and find ways to sympathize with your audience. For example, if you are giving a presentation to a group of college students that love their

university football team, you could try to briefly mention a positive quality of that football team and then proceed to tell a small story about yourself in relation to your comment. Another excellent way to create rapport is to use dates, if you are giving your presentation on a day before a national holiday, create rapport with your audience by implying that you are glad to finally be able to get a day off and relax on your 24 hours of vacation. There are many different ways to create rapport, remember, if you want to do it efficiently, find ways to share things you might have in common with your audience. Setting high expectations at the beginning of your presentation is the key to stablishing rapport, connection and credibility with your audience, and once you get them rooting for you, the rest of your presentation will go a lot more smoothly. Concluding your presentation One big mistake that a lot of speaker make is to concentrate most of their attention on the introduction and the body of the presentation and left little to no time to plan out a successful and smooth wrap up. But as we all know, all good things must come to an end. Your conclusion is where you make sure that you have left your audience feeling positive and with a clear call to action. A great conclusion recaps the main points of your presentation. At this point you should take a few seconds to make sure that you have successfully covered everything you needed to talk about and to answer any questions that your audience might have.

Nonverbal communication Did you know that only 7% of our communication is actually composed of the words that we say? That means that 93% of our communication is nonverbal communication. Nonverbal communication occurs when two or more individuals engaged in conversation use other things such as gestures, face expressions, and different types of body language in order to successfully get their message across. An example of this is nodding with your head when you agree with something someone else has said. Knowing how to successfully read and understand nonverbal communication could play an essential role in your conversations, as it could give you cues of when to start or get out of a conversation. In this section of this book you will learn the principles of nonverbal communication and how to successfully implement them and notice them in your daily conversations.

The handshake When you give someone a handshake, believe it or not, you use nonverbal communication. A handshake says a lot about a person, it can reveal to the other person anything from your behavior to your personality. Before we get to learn how to give a proper handshake, let’s first discuss and analyze some of the bad types of handshakes and what they can reveal about you. Handshake 1- The disrespectful handshake This handshake happens when someone comes up to you for a handshake and you don’t even bother to stand up from your chair to shake their hands. This handshake could lead the other person to believe that you are careless and don’t have the minimum interest on meeting them. Handshake 2- The bone crusher handshake Have you ever shaken someone’s hand and they grip so hard that it seems as if they are getting ready for an arm wrestling match? This is a person with a bone crusher handshake. With this type of handshake someone can come off controlling and having a strong personality. Handshake 3- The weak (A.K.A Dead Fish) handshake This is a handshake that feels as if the person who you are shaking hands with has no bones in their hands. This type of handshake usually indicates a passive or shy personality. This type of handshake is among the least favored handshakes in society. Important tip- If you are a guy, always make sure to shake a woman’s hand the same way you shake a man’s hand. Although there are many more types of handshakes out there, these are the three most

important “what no to do’s” when it comes to shaking hands with someone that you have met for the first time in.

How to give a proper handshake A good handshake should be composed of 5 essential steps. Step 1- Always stand up or shake someone’s hand while standing up. Try to stand up straight with your shoulders back. Step 2- The grip. A good handshake should be composed of a firm grip, not to soft but not too hard. Step 3- Make sure to shake the other person’s hand the entire time, until both parties have been introduced. Step 4- Good eye contact. Maintaining eye contact with the other person is very important in order to make a good first impression with a handshake. Step 5- Smile. Smiling can help you and the other person feel more relaxed and welcomed, it will make the situation more enjoyable for both parties. And there you have them, the 5 easy steps to a great handshake.

Understanding the Six Universal Facial Expressions In the year 1960 Dr. Paul Ekman and his team of scientists conducted a simple but very powerful experiment. For this experiment, they gathered a group of people to which they showed multiple images of faces with different emotional states. The test volunteers had to then classify each one of the emotions for each picture that they were presented with based on a list of possible emotions. This study helped Dr. Paul Ekman to discover that regardless of gender, race and cultures, there are six universal facial expressions. Learning to read these facial expressions will help you to better decode the hidden emotions under the words that people speak when engaged in conversation, this ability will give you the upper hand in order to effectively judge whether to engage or leave a conversation. The following are the six universal expressions and how to be able to tell each one of them: Disgust- This is the face people make when they smell something bad. When people show disgust they tend to show their upper teeth and crinkle their nose.

People tend to make this when they taste or smell something bad, but also when they don’t like something or someone that’s near them. So, if you ever seen someone make this face as you approach them, it could be an indication that it’s time for a good, refreshing, shower or that they don’t enjoy your presence. Anger- this is the expression people make then they get mad at something or someone. The universal expression of angers manifests on a person when they keep their eyebrows down, two vertical lines appear on the person’s forehead, and their lips tend to get tense.

It is good advice to avoid starting a conversation with someone that is mad, as they can take their anger out on you. Sadness- This is the hardest micro expression to fake or make. An indication that someone is sad is when the corners of their mouth seem pulled down, their lower lip is puffed out, and the inner corners of their eyebrow are pinched together.

People can become sad for many different reasons, the best thing that you can do when you notice someone with the expression of sadness is to acknowledge them and let them know that you are available to help on whatever you can. Sadness is the precursor expression to crying.

Happiness- This one is one of my favorite expressions because, who doesn’t like to be happy? Most people seem to think that happiness is just a smile, but actually the only true expression of happiness is when the upper cheek muscles are engaged. Genuine happiness happens when someone’s grin is so big that it almost reaches their eyes, this could be caused by good news, personal recognitions and many different types of other good situations.

When people are happy they tend to be more talkative and less prone to judge any mistakes or things that you might say during a conversation. Fear- This is the expression that people make when they get scared. The moment people get scared they tend to open their eyes really wide, lift up their eyebrows and inhale once from their mouth. The reason for this is because our brain goes into “fight mode” and it needs to take in as much information from the situation as possible, in milliseconds. The inhaling of air through the mouth is also a way for the brain to get us ready to either run or fight.

If you believe that someone near you is feeling fearful and you will like to talk to them about it, the best way to approach them is in a calmed and friendly manner. A strong approach will cause them to fear even more and conversation will be less effective. Surprise- This expression has very similar characteristics to the expression of fear. When we get surprised we tend to raise our eyebrows as far up our forehead as we can and drop our mouth open, this is the longest out of all of the micro expressions.

Starting a conversation with someone in surprise could be quiet difficult because they will find themselves in the initial shock. Their brain will not be able to make it clear for them to get their point across. It is always better to wait for a few minutes before engaging in conversation with someone in shock.

Conclusion Having great conversations with anyone does not always have to be awkward or terrifying. Improving your social skills is a great way to meet new people. It can help you to expand your social network, which in turn could, ultimately help you to achieve your goals in life. For this reason, I congratulate you on taking the step to order this book; I hope that the tips and techniques shared with you in this book will be of good help to you in your journey toward success in communication. I can’t promise you that the journey will be easy, but what I can promise you is that the reward is a lot greater than anything that you could lose or any embarrassing or awkward moment that you might have to go through. Remember to always keep your head high, practice your skills every day begin to improve your life by thinking fast and talking smart. If you have enjoyed reading this book and have gotten value from the information within, I will greatly appreciate your help by leaving an honest review with your opinion on its amazon page. Your review will not only help me to spread the word and help other people to also improve their communication skills, but also to create more books on more personal development topics. Again, thank you for your valuable time and I hope to hear from you again. -Ronald A. Valentino To check out more books from Ronald Alexis Valentino

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