Two and A Half Men - Spec Script [PDF]

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Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts" by Jacqueline M. Wong

COLD OPENING FADE IN: INT. ALAN’S BEDROOM - MORNING (DAY 1) (Alan, Darla) TOSSING, TURNING AND BOUNCING BENEATH ALAN’S BEDSHEETS. ALAN SCREAMS ORGASMICALLY BENEATH THEM. ALAN Oh!

Oh, Darla!

Yes!

Aaaaah!

Oh, yes!

Yes!

Yes!

DARLA APPEARS FROM THE BATHROOM DOOR, FULLY DRESSED WITH ACCENTS OF THE NEW AGE/HIPPIE VARIETY. SHE APPROACHES ALAN’S BED AND PULLS THE SHEETS AWAY. DARLA Hey, hey!

Wait for me!

ALAN IS ALONE IN HIS BED, CLOTHED IN CARTOON PAJAMAS AND SMILING. DARLA (CONT’D) Honestly, Alan!

I’ve never met a man

more turned on by a night of talking about feelings and cuddling. ALAN Neither have I! DARLA I’m not a man, Alan.

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts"

2 ()

ALAN Oh, I knew that the minute I saw your br-...r-r-ight, shiny disposition. DARLA You’re adorable.

See ya later; I’m

off to work. ALAN (RISING FROM BED)

You work, too?

DARLA Well, we are post-World War II, so yes.

I fundraise for my sister’s

feminist organization. ALAN You’re a feminist? DARLA Mmm-hmm. DARLA DIPS ALAN AND KISSES HIM.

ALAN’S EYELIDS BAT --

ALAN Where are my smelling salts? -- AND HE SWOONS. CUT TO: MAIN TITLES

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts"

3 (I-A)

ACT ONE SCENE A FADE IN: INT. KITCHEN - MORNING (DAY 1) (Alan, Darla, Lolita, Charlie) ALAN DONS AN APRON AND SERVES BREAKFAST WHILE DARLA READS THE DAILY PROTESTER. IT FEATURES A PHOTO OF A PICKETER HOLDING UP AN “I DON’T LIKE SOMETHING” SIGN ON THE FRONT PAGE. ALAN Darla, I can’t wait until Charlie comes down and meets you.

He’ll be

flabbergasted by how well we get along. DARLA Does he like feminists? ALAN Well, he...likes women. he’s very pro-choice.

A lot...And

In fact, I’ve

never met anyone as active in the prochoice movement as Charlie.

Condoms,

birth control...If a woman he’s met wants an abortion, he’ll drive her to the clinic first thing in the morning.

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts"

4 (I-A)

DARLA I can’t wait to meet him. ROSE RAPS ON THE KITCHEN WINDOW. SHE AND DARLA MAKE EYECONTACT. DARLA SMILES AND WAVES. DARLA (CONT’D) Alan, there’s a lady at the window. ALAN Oh that’s just his stalker.

Charlie

throws her something shiny to distract her every now and then.

He says it

works with all...stalkers. CHARLIE STUMBLES INTO THE KITCHEN WITH A PORN ACTRESS, LOLITA, WHO’S TIGHTLY ZIPPED IN RED VINYL LINGERIE. AS SHE AND HE KISS, CHARLIE PULLS THE CURTAINS OVER THE FIRST WINDOW, CONCEALING ROSE WITHOUT TAKING EYES OFF OF LOLITA. LOLITA Say it again! CHARLIE Oh yeah, lava lips; you’re the queen of adult entertainment! ROSE MOVES TO THE SECOND WINDOW. CURTAINS DOWN AS WELL.

CHARLIE PULLS THOSE

CHARLIE PAUSES AND LOOKS UP. CHARLIE (CONT’D) Morning, Alan. ALAN Why, good morning, Charlie.

How’s

your long-term monogamous relationship (MORE)

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts" ALAN (CONT'D)

5 (I-A)

with your... boldly fashionable parishioner's daughter? CHARLIE Well, let’s just say the confessionals lasted all night long! CHARLIE POINTS TO LOLITA’S PROTRUDING BUTTOCKS WHILE HER BACK IS TURNED AND TOSSES ALAN A WINK AND A THUMBS-UP. DARLA SEES THIS AND FUMES. DARLA I can’t believe this! CHARLIE You’d better believe it, baby. DARLA “Baby”? DARLA COLLECTS HER THINGS AND HEADS THROUGH THE INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING (DAY 1) (Alan, Darla) ALAN FOLLOWS HER. ALAN Darla, wait; don’t leave! I’m not like that.

...Darla,

Come on.

I’d

never treat you the way Charlie treats his one-night-stands.

I treat mine

with way more respect. DARLA SCOWLS AND CONTINUES TOWARD THE DOOR.

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts"

6 (I-A)

ALAN (CONT’D) No, Darla, please don’t go!

Didn’t

our cuddling mean anything to you?

Or

our summer courtship at the tea house? DARLA ...When you kept peeking out at me from behind your electric fan? ALAN And when the blades sliced my nose, you handed me your Red Cross kit and asked me out! dreaming.

I thought I was

That’s why I was so happy

this morning when you didn’t just get up and leave with my health and dental plan like all the other girls I’ve met...Don’t go, Darla... ROSE STANDS IN CHARLIE’S BALCONY WINDOW. DARLA SEES HER AND SIGHS. SHE OPENS HER MESSENGER BAG AND TAKES OUT SOME PAMPHLETS. DARLA Alright, Alan.

I’ll stay on one

condition. ALAN What’s that? DARLA (HANDING HIM THE PAMPHLETS)

That you

and Charlie come to my sister’s feminist meeting this afternoon.

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7 (I-A)

ALAN Consider it done. AS DARLA HEADS TOWARD THE BALCONY, ALAN’S FACE FALLS. EXT. BALCONY - MORNING (DAY 1) (Darla, Rose) DARLA SLIDES OPEN THE GLASS AND HANDS ROSE SOME PAMPHLETS DARLA Stay away from men like Charlie. They’ll poison you with empty promises and mess with your mind. ROSE Don’t be silly.

Charlie loves me and

I love Charlie.

One day, he’ll

appreciate my silent, long-suffering love and devotion and carry me away on a noble white unicorn.

Just wait.

You’ll see. DARLA TURNS AND HEADS INTO THE INT. KITCHEN - MORNING (DAY 1) (Darla, Lolita, Charlie) SHE HANDS LOLITA THE SAME PAMPHLETS WHEN CHARLIE’S BACK IS TURNED. CHARLIE HEADS TOWARD THE INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING (DAY 1) (Alan, Darla) DARLA OPENS THE FRONT DOOR, SIGHS AND TURNS TO ALAN. ALAN See you at the meeting, Darla?

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts"

8 (I-A)

DARLA I’ll be chaining myself to a barge to protest sea snail abuse today, but my sister has the roster. Kaysen.

Her name’s

When you’re done with the

meeting, I’ll show you what vegans really do with live meat. DARLA LEAVES. CUT TO:

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts"

9 (I-B)

SCENE B INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING (DAY 1) (Charlie, Alan) CHARLIE ENTERS, SCRATCHING HIS HEAD. CHARLIE What got under her cannabis capris? ALAN TURNS AND SLAPS CHARLIE LIGHTLY ON THE FACE WITH HIS OVEN MITT. ALAN You just insulted a feminist. CHARLIE ...So now you’re challenging me to a duel? ALAN And we were hitting it off fine until you showed up canoodling your porn actress and called Darla, “baby”! CHARLIE How was I supposed to know? were shaved. trademark.

Her legs

That’s like removing the

What is she?

undercover feminist spy?

Some sort of

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts"

10 (I-B)

ALAN You’re missing the point, Charlie.

I

was the closest I’d ever come to a perfect relationship with a woman who’s college-educated, has a steady job, and dips me when we tango -- and you ruined it! CHARLIE My old high school buddy can do the same thing.

I’ll set you up with him. ALAN

Not yet.

(BEWILDERED PAUSE)

Charlie,

I need you to be at the meeting this afternoon. CHARLIE I have better things to do than surround myself with a flock of bitter, middle-aged male-look-alikes with occasional bouts of PMS. ALAN’S CELL PHONE STARTS TO RING. ALAN Charlie-CHARLIE They’re man-haters, Alan -ALAN (INTO PHONE)

Hello?

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts"

11 (I-B)

CHARLIE -- just waiting to get even with some moron resembling the guy that clubbed their grandma on the head and dragged her to his cave. ALAN (INTO PHONE)

Slow down, Judith.

Charlie’s telling me something our grandma did in a cave. CHARLIE That’s where the word, “clubbing” came from. ALAN (INTO PHONE)

That’s where he gets

what from?...He brought what to school?

Where’d he get condoms? CHARLIE

(SITTING UP) The extra longs? ALAN But, Judith-CHARLIE (TO HIMSELF)

So that’s where they

went... ALAN Okay, okay.

I’ll go...I promise.

I’ll be there at three. CHARLIE)

(TURNING TO

Charlie, I need to meet with (MORE)

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts" ALAN (CONT'D)

Jake’s principal today; you’ve got to go to Kaysen’s meeting in my place. CHARLIE Why’d he get sent to the principal’s office? ALAN He brought condoms to school for a science project. CHARLIE What’s wrong with that? ALAN They were used condoms.

He took them

from your room and put them under a microscope...Look, Charlie, go for me and Darla, and I promise I’ll...I’ll let you come with me to the next divorced single mothers meeting. CHARLIE “Divorced, Desperate and Dying for some D--”? ALAN That’s the one. CHARLIE Oh, fine. PAUSE.

I’ll go.

12 (I-B)

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts"

13 (I-B)

ALAN ...Aren’t you going to ask me where it is? CHARLIE I’ll just follow the trail of burning bras. ALAN Charlie! CHARLIE (TAKING THE PAMPHLET)

Gimme the

pamphlet. ALAN Thank you. ALAN LEAVES. CHARLIE SAUNTERS INTO THE INT. KITCHEN - MORNING (DAY 1) (Charlie, Lolita) AND KISSES LOLITA ON THE SHOULDER. FEMINIST PAMPHLET.

LOLITA IS ABSORBED IN THE

CHARLIE Morning, sugar.

I’d like a generous

helping of Lolita.

Maybe with a side

of eggs and one sausage between two juicy buns. LOLITA Charlie, are you sexually harassing me?

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts"

14 (I-B)

CHARLIE What?

Of course not. LOLITA

Because I have rights. CHARLIE What are you talking about?

You’re a

porn star. LOLITA Don’t insult my craft. CHARLIE Craft?

What craft?

You don’t craft

anything. LOLITA Then you won’t miss it when it’s gone. CHARLIE That’s because I can always get a new one the next weekend. LOLITA The Porn Actors’ Guild is going to hear all about you, Charlie. LOLITA LEAVES. CHARLIE ...There’s a Porn Actors’ Guild? DISSOLVE TO:

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts"

15 (I-C)

SCENE C EXT. FEMINIST MEETING ROOM - URBAN BAR - DAY (DAY 1) (Kaysen, Charlie, Andi, Joe, Lolita) CHARLIE SLIPS DISCREETLY THROUGH THE DOORS. KAYSEN, A CLASSY AND ATTRACTIVE WOMAN, PASSES CHARLIE. CHARLIE REMOVES HIS SUNGLASSES TO GET A BETTER GLIMPSE OF HER. KAYSEN EXITS. CHARLIE CHECKS HIS WATCH AS PEOPLE PASS AND STARE AT HIM CURIOUSLY. HE RUMMAGES MINDLESSLY THROUGH THE PAMPHLETS AT AN INFORMATION TABLE TO BLEND IN. HE UNKNOWINGLY POCKETS SOME PAMPHLETS NEAR A SIGN READING: “GAY PRIDE MEETING NEXT TUESDAY.” AN INTENSE POETRY READING IN THE STYLE OF “THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES” GUSHES FORTH FROM AN ADJOINING ROOM. KAYSEN (O.S.) My vagina is a sleeping village. CHARLIE STARTS AND LOOKS AROUND, CONFUSED. KAYSEN (O.S.) (CONT’D) My vagina slept when they came for my feet and bound them so tight they could not warn the others... CHARLIE LOOKS FOR THE ROSTER, BUT CAN’T FIND IT. KAYSEN (O.S.) (CONT’D) My vagina--

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts"

16 (I-C)

CHARLIE

KAYSEN (O.S.) (CONT'D)

She must’ve really converted

--slept when they came for my

that Port Actors’ Guild.

ribs and strangled them in a noose of lace...

FEMINISTS ENTER THROUGH THE DOORS. CHARLIE SEES A SHORT-HAIRED ANDROGYNOUS WOMAN NAMED ANDI AND APPROACHES HER. CHARLIE Hey pal, you didn’t see a roster lying around here, did you? ANDI (FACING HIM)

You’re here for the

feminist meeting? CHARLIE Oh!...Yeah...Sorry, I didn’t mean to call you “pal.” ANDI Why wouldn’t you call me “pal”? CHARLIE Well, it’s just that “pal” is what I normally call guys. ANDI You men all huddle together, don’t you? CHARLIE No, no.

I don’t huddle with any

men...Not that there’s anything wrong (MORE)

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts" CHARLIE (CONT'D)

with that.

17 (I-C)

I mean, I’m not prejudiced

against your kind or anything, you know.

“We’re here!

We’re--”

JOE APPROACHES ANDI. SHE KISSES HIM AND CHARLIE NOTICES THEIR MATCHING WEDDING RINGS. ANDI Do you know where the roster is, hon? JOE (TURNING TO CHARLIE)

I think the

meeting you’re looking for is next Tuesday. ANDI AND JOE ENTER THE MEETING ROOM. CHARLIE PEERS AFTER THEM, HESITATES, AND LINGERS OUTSIDE. KAYSEN ENTERS AND ORDERS A DRINK AT THE BAR. CHARLIE LINES UP BEHIND HER. CHARLIE Guess we both didn’t get the memo. They changed Happy Hour to Hermaphrodite Hour. KAYSEN Funny.

What brings you here? CHARLIE

I’m just here for my brother.

He

started dating a feminist who won’t date him unless we show up at her sister’s meeting...Say, you didn’t (MORE)

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts" CHARLIE (CONT'D)

happen to see a Kaysen around, did you?

Probably short hair, bandana,

dresses like a pubescent male athlete? KAYSEN Haven’t seen one with that description.

So you just wanna pay

lip service to the roster and get out, huh? CHARLIE That’s the plan.

I’ve got much better

things to devote my lips to. KAYSEN Like a random girl at a bar? CHARLIE (SMUGLY APPROACHING HER)

My name’s

Charlie, by the way. KAYSEN ...Charlie. CHARLIE (GETTING CLOSER)

Yeah.

That’s so you

know what to scream. KAYSEN I’ll remember that the next time I’m dialing 911.

18 (I-C)

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19 (I-C)

CHARLIE Oh, don’t get me wrong.

I don’t

believe in sex without mutual consent. (MOVING CLOSER)

...And just so you

know, you have my consent. KAYSEN Well, Charlie, I am so flattered by your urge to have random intercourse with me that I’ll give you a fair enough warning MACE)

(PULLING OUT A CAN OF

that you have three seconds to

leave this bar with your eyes in tact. CHARLIE GASPS. CHARLIE You’re not one of them, are you? KAYSEN NODS. CHARLIE (CONT’D) Since when is a hot chic a feminist? AS CHARLIE INSTINCTIVELY POINTS TO HER ENDOWMENTS, KAYSEN KNEES HIM IN THE GROIN. CHARLIE SCREAMS IN PAIN AND FALLS ON THE FLOOR. ANDI COMES OUT OF THE BUSTLING MEETING ROOM AND CALLS TO KAYSEN. ANDI Kaysen!

Everyone’s waiting for you to

start the meeting.

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts"

20 (I-C)

KAYSEN Be there in a bit...just getting rid of some excess bigotry. CHARLIE Kaysen?! KAYSEN You must be Alan’s brother. meeting you, Charlie.

Pleasure

For the first

and last time. CHARLIE (SCRAMBLING UP AND INSTINCTIVELY TOUCHING KAYSEN)

The last time?

But

I already told you what to scream... KAYSEN PEPPER SPRAYS CHARLIE. HIS EYES.

HE SCREAMS, FALLS AND COVERS

SHE JOINS ANDI AT THE MEETING ROOM ENTRANCE. CHARLIE (CONT’D) Wait, what about Alan? KAYSEN Tell Alan he could sooner expect his brother to join the priesthood than expect another date with my sister. KAYSEN WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR OF THE MEETING ROOM. THE DOOR SHUTS, THEN REOPENS. KAYSEN POKES HER HEAD BACK OUT. KAYSEN (CONT’D) And goodness help any woman foolish enough to date you. KAYSEN DISAPPEARS BEHIND THE DOOR.

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts"

21 (I-C)

THE DOOR SWINGS SHUT, THEN OPENS AGAIN. LOLITA’S HEAD POPS OUT. A FEMINIST BANDANA HANGS OFF OF HER FOREHEAD SUGGESTIVELY WITH A PORNOGRAPHIC LOOSENESS. LOLITA Yeah! CHARLIE WINCES FROM THE PAIN OF HIS STINGING EYES AND COLLAPSES ON THE FLOOR. CHARLIE Ow... HE SITS UP AND RUBS HIS EYES AND TEMPLES AS SOME OTHER FEMINISTS PASS. HE BLOWS COOL AIR OUT OF HIS LUNGS, MAKING A WHISTLING SOUND. CHARLIE (CONT’D) Man, that’s hot. THE LARGE MUSCULAR FEMINIST ASSUMES HE’S TALKING ABOUT HER. SHE APPROACHES -CHARLIE (CONT’D) No, I didn’t mean you! AND SLAPS HIM HARD! CHARLIE SCREAMS HARDER AND FALLS TO THE FLOOR. FADE OUT. END OF ACT ONE

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts"

22 (I-C)

ACT TWO SCENE D INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (NIGHT 1) (Alan, Charlie, Evelyn, Jake, Judith) ALAN, WEARING FAKE BREASTS, HEELS AND A HEAVY BELLY TO SIMULATE PREGNANCY, PLACES A HOT APPLE PIE ON THE TABLE. CHARLIE WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR, FRAZZLED. HIS EYES ARE RED AND STILL BURNING FROM THE PEPPER SPRAY. HE STARES AT ALAN. ALAN Hi, Charlie.

How’d the meeting go?

CHARLIE INSPECTS ALAN TOP TO BOTTOM DISAPPROVINGLY. HE FLIPS ALAN’S PIE UPSIDE DOWN AND SMOTHER IT ON ALAN’S HEAD. HE NODS, SATISFIED. CHARLIE Kinda like that. ALAN FUMES. ALAN Charlie!

I spent two hours picking

out this sweater and now it’s ruined! What if Darla sees this? CHARLIE What if she sees that you’re expecting?...She is the mother, right?

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts"

23 (I-D)

ALAN She hasn’t even called yet. CHARLIE Oh, Alan.

Forget about Darla.

tried everything.

I

I tried the

begging, the pleading, the frantic car chase through five cities...and she still wouldn’t give me her number. ALAN Oh, that’s just great.

You didn’t

even go to the meeting, did you? (BRANDISHING THE BREASTS)

Whose

oversized sweat glands did you scurry after this time, Charlie? CHARLIE Kaysen’s. ALAN Kaysen?

You had the hots for Darla’s

sister? CHARLIE Well, it wasn’t my fault!

Why does

she make herself so good-looking if she doesn’t wanna get laid? ALAN You know what your problem is, Charlie?

You aren’t making enough of

an effort to understand the feminine (MORE)

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts" ALAN (CONT'D)

mind.

24 (I-D)

You can learn a lot from Oprah.

Right now, I’m getting a sense of how hard it is for a patriarchal workplace to accommodate maternity. CHARLIE You wore that all day? ALAN It was nerve wracking...But Jake’s principal was friendly.

He even

slipped me his personal number... CHARLIE Good god! ALAN STRUGGLES TO TAKE THE BREASTS OFF. CHARLIE COMES UP BEHIND HIM AND UNHOOKS THEM IN ONE SNAP. CHARLIE (CONT’D) Practice makes perfect. ALAN Oh, ha ha. CHARLIE)

(FITTING THE BREASTS ON

Here, try this on.

You’ll

find it to be quite the eye-opener. CHARLIE (BOUNCING THEM)

Nice...

CHARLIE STARTS TO SHIMMY. TO FORM CLEAVAGE.

HE SQUEEZES THE BREASTS TOGETHER

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts"

25 (I-D)

CHARLIE (CONT’D) Hey, shorty. two?

Slip a gal a buck or

Come on.

What am I, not good

enough for ya? ALAN GIGGLES AND SLIPS A DOLLAR BETWEEN THE BREASTS. ALAN Oh, you. EVELYN WALKS IN AND STARES AT THEM.

CHARLIE SEES HER.

CHARLIE (DEADPAN)

Mom...It’s just who I am. EVELYN

I knew I should never have made you wear dresses as babies, but your grandmother insisted on family tradition. CHARLIE What do you want, Mom? EVELYN Alan, I need to borrow your car. Mine’s still at the mechanic’s and my girl friends and I have front row seats at the Vegas Chippendales this weekend. ALAN Oh, sorry Mom.

Judith’s running

errands with it to save mileage on (MORE)

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts" ALAN (CONT'D)

hers.

26 (I-D)

Why don’t you use Charlie’s

car? CHARLIE Yeah, like I’m gonna let a flock of blind, enfeebled nymphomaniacs slide their greasy hands all over my Benz at 120 miles an hour. ALAN Well, it’s not like you have a date this Saturday.

(TO EVELYN)

Charlie

got rejected by a feminist. EVELYN Why, Charlie.

A sensitive, respectful

man like you?

I’m in utter disbelief.

CHARLIE (BOUNCING A BREAST)

Which udders are

more believable? EVELYN If you want my advice-CHARLIE No thanks; we’re good. EVELYN --what women want is to have their thoughts and opinions respected. Understand, Charlie?

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts"

27 (I-D)

CHARLIE (NODDING BLANKLY)

I understand.

EVELYN Good.

No woman wants a knucklehead

who just nods absentmindedly and fixates on their breasts.

Got that,

Charlie? CHARLIE (NODDING AND PLAYING WITH THE BREASTS) I understand. SOUND OF A CAR PULLING INTO THE DRIVEWAY. EVELYN That must be Judith with the car. Keys, Alan? ALAN TOSSES EVELYN THE KEYS AND EVELYN HEADS OUT THE FRONT DOOR. ALAN Don’t forget to put a towel on the steering wheel after you’re... JUDITH ENTERS WITH JAKE. ALAN (CONT’D) ...done marinating the beef. THEY STOP IN THEIR TRACKS AS CHARLIE AND ALAN TURN TOWARD THEM. JUDITH COVERS JAKE’S EYES AND PULLS HIM SLOWLY TOWARD THE DOOR. JAKE (STRAINING FOR A PEEK)

Cool!

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts"

28 (I-D)

JUDITH Jake, you never saw this. JAKE That’s what you think.

You don’t live

here. JAKE STRAINS TO LOOK AT ALAN AND CHARLIE AS JUDITH PULLS HIM OUT THE DOOR AND CLOSES IT. ALAN’S PHONE RINGS.

HE PICKS IT UP. ALAN

(INTO PHONE)

Hello?...Darla,

hi!...Wha--...You’d like to meet up again?...Tonight?

Sounds great!...Uh-

huh...Of course you can bring Kaysen. CHARLIE GETS INTERESTED. ALAN (CONT’D) (INTO PHONE)

...I’ll be there.

See

you soon. ALAN HANGS UP. CHARLIE What’s goin’ on? ALAN I’m meeting Darla and Kaysen for dinner tonight. CHARLIE (PUTTING ON HIS COAT) ALAN She didn’t invite you.

I’m going too.

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts"

29 (I-D)

CHARLIE So?

You’re my brother and I want to

make sure she’s right for you. ALAN This is about Kaysen, isn’t it? CHARLIE No.

It’s about my pride.

CHARLIE WALKS OUT THE DOOR WITH THE BREASTS ON AS ALAN WATCHES. CHARLIE RETURNS AND TAKES THE BREASTS OFF. DISSOLVE TO:

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts"

30 (I-D)

SCENE E INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT (NIGHT 1) (Alan, Charlie, Kaysen) ALAN AND DARLA TRY TO IGNORE THE AWKWARD TENSION BETWEEN CHARLIE AND KAYSEN, WHO STARE AT EACH OTHER CONTEMPTUOUSLY. CHARLIE’S EYES DRIFT TOWARD KAYSEN’S CLEAVAGE. KAYSEN SEES THIS AND ZIPS HER SWEATER UP. ALAN You know, Darla, Charlie and I are really getting into this feminism stuff.

Aren’t we, Charlie? CHARLIE

We soon will be... KAYSEN HUFFS. ALAN (TO CHARLIE)

Maybe we’ll just give

you two some privacy. KAYSEN Why, thank you. CHARLIE)

(EYES FIXED ON

I could certainly use some.

ALAN AND DARLA RISE AND MOVE AWAY. CUT TO: INT. ALAN AND DARLA’S TABLE - RESTAURANT - NIGHT (NIGHT 1) (Darla, Alan) THEY SEAT THEMSELVES AT ANOTHER TABLE. DARLA Alan, I know you’re really trying. And I like you a lot --

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts"

31 (I-D)

ALAN So do I...girlfriend.

I’ve been

reading up on the pamphlets Charlie got for me, and I must say, you look really...flaming tonight.

I’m really

glad I came out. DARLA (CONFUSED)

Um...thank you Alan. CUT TO:

INT. CHARLIE AND KAYSEN’S TABLE - RESTAURANT - NIGHT (NIGHT 1) (Charlie, Kaysen) CHARLIE WATCHES KAYSEN TRY TO DOWN A TOUGH BRATWURST. SHE CAN’T BREAK THE EXTERIOR, SO SHE SLIDES IT OUT BETWEEN HER LIPS. KAYSEN LOOKS UP.

CHARLIE WINKS AT HER.

KAYSEN SETS THE BRATWURST DOWN AND SLICES INTO IT WITH HER KNIFE -- TO THE POINT OF OVER-SLICING. CHARLIE FLINCHES. HE TAKES TWO HAMBURGER BUNS AND CARESSES THEM SENSUALLY. KAYSEN TRIES TO IGNORE HIM, BUT LOOKS BACK.

CHARLIE SMILES.

CHARLIE You know, there’s a certain art to the hamburger.

You have to make sure the

buns are warm and comfortable, that the dressing is colorful and alluring, and that the meat you slide inside it is warm and juicy.

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts"

32 (I-D)

KAYSEN Sounds exquisite.

You know, I’ve

always liked my meat hard and raw with extra juice. CHARLIE (PREENING

HIMSELF)

Yeah?

KAYSEN But I know how unhealthy it can be. CHARLIE Ah, but it’s so worth it! KAYSEN Makes you groggy and unable to perform. CHARLIE So, how’s the skinny little Garden Weiner? KAYSEN It makes me feel good, knowing I won’t regret it several years down the road. CHARLIE Your life must be so bland.

Don’t you

ever get the craving for some relish? KAYSEN OPENS HER PURSE AND TAKES OUT A VIBRATOR. KAYSEN I have my relish. CUT TO:

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts"

33 (I-D)

INT. DARLA AND ALAN’S TABLE - RESTAURANT - NIGHT (NIGHT 1) (Alan) ALAN SHOWS OFF HIS SHIRT AND TIE. ALAN (TO DARLA)

I color-coordinated my

wardrobe just for the occasion.

See?

Baby’s Breath Lavender accented by a Deep Orchid tie.

If you think that’s

nice, you should see my towel display. CUT TO: INT. CHARLIE AND KAYSEN’S TABLE - RESTAURANT - NIGHT (NIGHT 1) (Charlie, Kaysen) THE VIBRATOR VIBRATES IN KAYSEN’S HAND. CHARLIE What’s its service provider? KAYSEN It may not have as extended a network as yours, but it’s loyal, it’s always there when I need it, and most importantly, it has the fewest dropped calls. KAYSEN PUTS THE VIBRATOR AWAY. CHARLIE Oh, come on.

How can that possibly

compare to endless nights of free rollover minutes? over, and over--

They roll over, and

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts"

34 (I-D)

KAYSEN Are you claiming to be a better service provider than Mr. Bigs here? CHARLIE I’m Mr. Bigger.

And what I might lack

in the customer service department, I make up for in sheer signal strength. KAYSEN I’m sorry.

But I’m just not confident

enough to make the switch. CHARLIE Well, you can hide behind your “sisters” and your little plastic toy for only so long, but sooner or later, you’ll be aching for better coverage. You can’t fight what nature put you here to do -KAYSEN Which is to please you.

To see you as

the handsome stud you are and devote my life to cleaning your dishes, making you dinner and offering you mind-blowing sex in the afternoon. CHARLIE (FLOORED)

Wow!

me than I do.

You know more about

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts"

35 (I-D)

KAYSEN That’s because you’re no different from all the other selfish chauvinists out there who use women and throw them away like so many disposable objects. Give up, Charlie.

You’re not getting

any tonight. CHARLIE FIDGETS AND LEANS CLOSER TO KAYSEN. CHARLIE Look.

This is how I see it: The

reason why women are treated as objects is because they are objects. KAYSEN STARTS IN SHOCK AND CROSSES HER ARMS IMPATIENTLY. KAYSEN You shameless-CHARLIE And you’re just too afraid to admit the truth. object.

You’re an object.

(KNOCKING THE TABLE)

goshdarn table is an object.

I’m an This If we

can get some fun out of using some of our parts, why not?

What else can we

do with them? KAYSEN So, if Hitler had C-cup breasts for you to squeeze and one extra orifice, you’d do him, too.

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts"

36 (I-D)

CHARLIE If he’s also a runway supermodel, cooks my dinner and does my dishes...I’d be crazy not to. CUT TO: INT. ALAN AND DARLA’S TABLE - RESTAURANT - NIGHT (NIGHT 1) (Alan, Darla) DARLA BEGINS TO FIDGET. ALAN Is something wrong?...I mixed the warm colors with the cold colors, didn’t I? DARLA It’s not that.

You know, Alan, I

don’t know if I’m what you’re really looking for in a partner... CUT TO: INT. CHARLIE AND KAYSEN’S TABLE - RESTAURANT - NIGHT (NIGHT 1) (Charlie, Kaysen) CHARLIE IS PLAYING WITH THE VIBRATOR. IT SUDDENLY STOPS. TAPS IT. THE VIBRATOR SPUTTERS AND DIES. KAYSEN FUMES. CHARLIE ...I could...always offer you a replacement. KAYSEN Parts and labor? CHARLIE Whoa, whoa.

No labor.

ahead of ourselves. (MORE)

Let’s not get

But you’re

HE

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts" CHARLIE (CONT'D)

37 (I-D)

welcome to take the other service provider for a test drive, no strings attached.

Satisfaction guaranteed.

A WAITER HANDS CHARLIE THE BILL. CHARLIE AND LOOKS CHARLIE OVER.

KAYSEN TAKES IT FROM

KAYSEN (SLIPPING HER CREDIT CARD INTO THE FOLDER)

Alright, Chuckster.

in good shape. it.

You’re

I’ll take you up on

One one-night stand, on me. CUT TO:

INT. ALAN AND DARLA’S TABLE - RESTAURANT - NIGHT (NIGHT 1) (Darla, Alan) DARLA BURIES HER FACE IN HER HANDS. DARLA Just because I’m a feminist doesn’t mean I don’t want someone who’s masculine.

Oh, I might as well have

just dated a vegan! A SPIDER CRAWLS ALONG THE WALL NEXT TO DARLA. ALAN I’m masculine!

Hey, look, a spider!

DARLA TAKES A SPIDER AND PUTS IT NEXT TO ALAN’S PLATE. SCREAMS.

ALAN

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts"

38 (I-D)

ALAN (CONT’D) Aaaah!

A spider!

on my hair?

Where is it?

Is it on me?

Is it

I’m

allergic to spider bites. DARLA Oh, Alan, you poor thing.

After all

my petitions against biological terrorism, I -- Alan, I’m so sorry. ALAN I might be getting a lethal rash. Help me, Darla -- look after me tonight to make sure I’m not p-p-ppoisoned.

Oh, the inhumanity! DISSOLVE TO:

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts"

39 (I-D)

SCENE G INT. CHARLIE’S BEDROOM - MORNING (DAY 2) (Charlie, Kaysen) CHARLIE LIES SPRAWLED ON HIS BED, EYES WIDE WITH ECSTASY. THE ROOM SPINS AS ROSE PETALS FLUTTER DOWN AROUND HIM. FISHNETS, LATEX GLOVES, KAYSEN’S VIBRATOR AND OTHER EXOTICLOOKING ADULT PARAPHERNALIA LIE STREWN ALONG THE ROOM. CHARLIE Wow...That was the best sex I’ve had in my life!

You found parts of me

that I never even knew existed... HE REACHES ACROSS THE BED FOR KAYSEN, BUT SHE ISN’T THERE. KAYSEN IS GETTING DRESSED. CHARLIE (CONT’D) Kaysen?

Where ya goin’?

KAYSEN HEADS TOWARD THE DOOR. KAYSEN (BRUSQUELY)

Bye, Charlie. CHARLIE

W-wait!

Why don’tcha stay?

We can...

cuddle, talk...get to know each other...our likes, dislikes...secret desires..? KAYSEN (SWINGING OPEN THE DOOR) today. CHARLIE With who?

Big meeting

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts"

40 (I-D)

KAYSEN With...myself...and some chocolate smoothies.

Nice knowin’ ya. CHARLIE

Will I see you again? KAYSEN SHRUGS, IRRITATED. KAYSEN Maybe I’ll call you up some time. CHARLIE When? KAYSEN SHOOS HIM AWAY. KAYSEN (SHRUGGING)

Soon. CHARLIE

How soon?

Tonight? KAYSEN

(IMPATIENT)

...Soon.

KAYSEN LEAVES. CHARLIE (CALLING AFTER HER)

Call me! CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING (DAY 2) (Alan, Darla) DARLA, FULLY DRESSED, HEADS TOWARD THE FRONT DOOR AS ALAN RUNS AFTER HER IN HIS PAJAMAS. ALAN Darla!

Wait!

Don’t go, Darla.

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts"

41 (I-D)

DARLA Alan, it’s just not gonna work. ALAN Is it because of Charlie? DARLA No; it’s not just Charlie.

Alan,

you’re so kind and sweet...But you’re too sheltered and dependent. ALAN But, Darla, I need you. DARLA You can’t rely on me forever, Alan. And if you can’t stand on your own two feet and be a strong, self-reliant, independent man, then we can’t be together as a couple.

I just need

someone more like...a mafia king. DARLA WALKS TOWARD THE DOOR AND OPENS IT. JOINS DARLA.

KAYSEN ENTERS AND

DARLA (CONT’D) Goodbye, Alan...I’ll start a charity drive for you. CHARLIE APPEARS IN TIME TO SEE KAYSEN AND DARLA LEAVE. LOOKS AFTER THEM IN STUNNED DISBELIEF.

HE

DISSOLVE TO:

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts"

42 (I-D)

TAG INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING (DAY 2) (Rose, Charlie, Alan) CHARLIE SITS AT THE PIANO PLAYING A SAD SONG. ALAN SULKS ON THE SOFA, PLAYING WITH THE FAKE BREASTS. ROSE ENTERS THROUGH THE KITCHEN WEARING AN APRON AND CARRYING SOME FRESHLY BAKED STREUSEL. ROSE Cheer up, boys.

I baked you some

fresh apple streusel from scratch and just finished ironing both your shirts. ROSE HANDS CHARLIE A STREUSEL AND WALKS OVER TO ALAN. CHARLIE (MUNCHING THE STREUSEL)

Mmm.

Let’s

see any feminist top these buns! ALAN (TAKING A STREUSEL)

Thanks, Rose.

It’s so nice having a sane woman around the house. ROSE NOTICES THE BREASTS THAT ALAN’S PLAYING WITH. ROSE There’s my bra! SHE TAKES THEM FROM HIM AND SHAKES OUT THE SILICONE PADDING. ROSE (CONT’D) I’ve been looking all over for this! ALAN GAPES AT ROSE.

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts"

43 (I-D)

ROSE (CONT’D) Oh, don’t worry.

(PULLING A BRA OUT

OF HER SHIRT AND FLINGING IT AT ALAN) Here’s a new one. ROSE TAKES THE OLD BRA OVER TO A STUNNED CHARLIE, WHOSE FINGERS FREEZE OVER THE PIANO KEYS. ROSE (CONT’D) (SEDUCTIVELY)

I never knew you boys

were such fans.

(WRAPPING THE OLD BRA

AROUND CHARLIE)

I guess I’ll be

merging our underwear very closely from now own.

Just imagine: our

fluids mixing together in that warm, warm washing machine...Woosh! Woosh!

Woosh!

Woosh!

IN A FRANTIC FRENZY, CHARLIE STARTS SINGING AND PLAYING THE MOST RADICAL FEMINIST SONG HE KNOWS WHILE ROSE SMOTHERS HIM WITH HER BRA. CHARLIE (PLAYING AND SINGING, FOR EXAMPLE, “FIGHT ON SISTERS, FIGHT ON”) “Fight on sisters, fight on Fight on sisters, fight on Our power will grow and our dreams will be won If we fight on sisters, fight on...”

FADE OUT.

Two and a Half Men "If Hitler had C-cup breasts"

END OF SHOW

44 (I-D)