Osho Jokes PDF [PDF]

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Osho Jokes 1. A Polack answered a nationwide quiz program that gave away money even to the dumbest people. "Okay, Mr Kozakowsky, for one thousand dollars, tell us, which famous French general was defeated at the battle of Waterloo?" The Polack looked puzzled. "We'll give you a clue," smiled the questioner, and opened the door of a large refrigerator. Inside was a bottle of Napoleon brandy. Kozakowsky still looked bewildered and scratched his head. "Just read the name you see and you win one thousand dollars. Now, what was the name of the general?" The Polack stared for a moment, then smiled. "Of course," he said, "it must have been General Electric!" 2. Frankowski showed up at the practice field to try out for the high school football team. "What position do you want to play?" asked the coach. "Quarterback!" answered Frankowski. The coach handed him a football and said, "Do you think you can pass this ball?" "Hell," said the Polack, "if I can swallow it, I can pass it too!" 3. The car hit her and a hundred yards away he stopped and looked back. "Watch out!" he shouted. The woman raised herself on her elbow and screamed, "Why -- are you coming back?" 4. Harold, Bill and Gabby, three tired and hungry cowboys, are sitting around a campfire about to eat dinner. Jose, the cook, a grimy, stubble-faced huge Mexican guy, throws down the pot and holds up his gun. "The first one of you jerks who makes a fuss about your supper gets trouble from me!" says Jose. There is careful silence as the purple and green slop is served up, and the eating begins. "God!" shrieks Harold, gagging and turning blue. "This stuff tastes like shit." Then, immediately eyeing the big Mexican, Harold adds enthusiastically, "But good shit, real good shit." 5. The psychiatrist leaned back and placed the tips of his fingers together while he soothed the deeply-troubled man who stood before him. "Calm yourself, my good fellow," he gently urged. "I have helped a great many others with fixations far more serious than yours. Now, let me see if I understand the problem correctly. You indicate that in moments of great emotional stress you believe that you are a dog. A fox terrier, is that not so?" "Yes, sir," mumbled the patient. "A small fox terrier with black and brown spots. Oh, please tell me you can help me, doctor. If this keeps up much longer, I don't know what I'll do...." The doctor gestured toward the couch. "Now, now," he soothed, "the first thing to do is lie down here, and we'll see if we can't get to the root of your delusion." "Oh, I couldn't do that, doctor," said the patient. "I'm not allowed up on the furniture." 6. Banducci, Sullivan and Piwalski, traveling together in Mexico, got drunk and killed a Mexican. All three were sentenced to the electric chair. First they sat Banducci down and asked him if he had any last words. "I am a

dentist," said the Italian, "and I will care for everyone in the village for twenty-five years if you will let me go." The authorities refused and the executioner proceeded to carry out the sentence. He pulled the switch and nothing happened. "By law," said the executioner, "the Italian is a free man, because the electric chair did not work." Then the Irishman sat down. The same question was asked. "I am a doctor," said Sullivan, "and I would care for the villagers for twenty-five years in exchange for my freedom." Again the answer was no. The switch was pulled and nothing happened. He went free. Then Piwalski sat down. He was asked if he had any last words. "I am a graduate in electrical engineering from Texas A & M," said the Polack, "and if you put that white wire in that hole, and the red wire in that hole..." 7. Chalecki, a traffic policeman, asked his friend Manzini if he knew of a bawdy house in town. Manzini gave Chalecki the address. The following day they met on the street. "Well," asked Manzini, "did you enjoy yourself?" "Nah," replied the Polack, "I find house okay, then I spend whole night waiting outside." "Why didn't you go in?" "I was waiting for the red light to change!" 8. A housewife adorned with a head full of curlers, puffy eyes, no make-up, covered in a tatty old dressing-gown and worn-out furry slippers runs out of the house with the garbage just as the garbage truck is about to move on. She rushes up to the truck and, panting, asks the garbage man, "Am I too late?" "No, ma'am, just jump right in!" 9. Hymie Goldberg is trying to hold a small mirror in his hand while he adjusts his tie. The mirror slips and shatters on the ground. "Oh, no!" he complains to Becky. "Now I am going to have seven years' bad luck." "Nonsense," replies Becky. "My uncle Sollie once broke a mirror, and he didn't have seven years' bad luck." "Really?" says Hymie, encouraged. "Really," repeats Becky. "He died the same day." 10. Farmer Jenkins had two cows, Daisy and Tinkerbell. One day he borrowed the bull from the next farm and instructed his farmhand, Jake, to watch and make sure that the bull did his job properly. That afternoon the local priest came round for tea and just as the farmer's wife was pouring it, Jake came rushing into the room and shouted, "Mister Jenkins, the bull just screwed the hell out of Daisy." Jake's face fell when he saw the priest, and the farmer was furious. He took Jake into the other room and said, "Look, I want to be kept informed of the bull's progress, but this is too much. Next time use the word `surprised', not `screwed'." Twenty minutes later Jake came running in again and said, "Boss! Boss! The bull just... the bull..." but seeing the priest he could not say another word. The farmer got up and said, "Jake, did the bull surprise Tinkerbell this time?" "Surprise Tinkerbell? I will say he did," cried Jake enthusiastically. "He screwed the hell out of Daisy again!" 11. Young Father Feever finishes his training at the Bleeding Cross Jesuit Monastery, and moves to New York as the priest of the Immaculate Conception and Miraculous Resurrection Church.

Feever soon discovers that one member of the congregation, Lucy Legs, is a prostitute, and decides to try and put her right. Feever invites Lucy to the back of the church for an informal discussion. But when the young priest arrives, he finds Lucy sitting naked on an old tombstone, with her legs stretched wide apart. "Ah, My God!" moans Feever, beginning to perspire. "I prayed for you last night...!" "You idiot! There is no need for that," snaps Lucy, "I am on the telephone. But don't worry! You can have me now -- just fifty dollars!" "No! No!" cries Feever, loosening his dog collar. "You misunderstand me. I expected to find you on your knees. In fact, I think we should both start by getting down on our knees right away! Okay?" "If that is how you want it!" smiles Lucy. "But it is a hundred dollars for doggie-style!" 12. Olga Kowalski comes bouncing enthusiastically downstairs in her new Kung Fu outfit. Kowalski takes one look at her, and puts his hand over his face. "Good God, Olga!" groans Kowalski. "Now what are you doing?" "I'm taking Kung Fu lessons," says Olga, proudly -- and she playfully slices the air with her hand, giving Kowalski a punch on the neck. "It is just in case," explains Olga, "some sex-fiend tries to rape me on some dark night." "Why bother?" remarks Kowalski, slurping his beer. "It will never get that dark!" Osho Polack Jokes 1. And do you know what is written on the bottom of Polish milk bottles? "Open at other end." 2. A Polack was driving his Volkswagen, when suddenly it stopped for some reason. He went to look -- maybe there was some trouble in the engine -- but he could not find the engine. So he thought, "My God, my engine has been stolen!" Just then another Polack stopped by his side. He said, "Is there some trouble?" The first man said, "Yes, it seems my engine has been stolen." The man said, "Don't be worried. This morning I was looking at the back of my car -there is a spare engine. You can take it!" 3. Giant Polish dockworker, Kraczewski, was considered by most of the longshoremen to be a great lover. They claimed he could make love to twenty girls in an hour. When some disbelieving seamen showed up, bets were made and the next night twenty girls were lined up in one of the warehouses. The big Polack went to work. He had made love to the first dozen when suddenly he fell to the floor in a state of exhaustion. His pals rushed up to him screaming, "What happened?" "I dunno," answered Kraczewaski. "I did okay this afternoon at the rehearsal!" 4. A Pole was working at a construction site where the boss left each day at eleven a.m. and was gone for two hours. This became such a regular occurrence that the rest of the workers decided to spend those two hours in the bar across the street, but the Polack decided to head home for some extra nookie with his wife. When he arrived home, he found his boss busy banging his wife in the bedroom. Well he walked right out and headed back to the job. The following day, the Polack was working his ass off when everyone headed across to the bar. "Hey, Ski, aren't you coming?" asked one of them. "Hell, no!" said the Polack. "I almost got caught yesterday."

5. How do you make a one armed Polack fall off a flagpole? Answer: You wave to him. Why did the Polish Government import five hundred million tons of sand from Saudi Arabia? Answer: They wanted to drill for their own oil. Did you hear about the Polish lesbian? Answer: She likes men. 6. Three Polacks, Madia, are standing outside a brothel discussing what prices they are willing to pay for the services inside. They decide that one of them should go inside first while the other two wait outside. Half an hour later, the one who went inside comes out with a gleaming smile across his face. "What happened? What was it like?" his friends ask. "Well, I paid five zlotys, went into a room and this tall sexy woman was waiting for me. She took my clothes off, put two pineapple rings over my prick and proceeded to slowly eat them off. It was great!" The second Polack, pleased with his friend's report, goes inside. An hour later he comes out, a big Cheshire cat grin on his face. "What happened?" asked the other two. "Well I paid ten zlotys, and it was the same as our first friend. But this time she put four pineapple rings over my cock and ate them off very very slowly." The third Polack, by this time very horny, rushes in to the brothel and comes out fifteen minutes later with a long, sad face. "Well," ask his friends, "what's wrong? What happened?" "Well, begins the sad Polack, "it started off great. I paid twenty zlotys and she put six rings of pineapple over my cock, plus a big scoop of whipped cream." "Wow!" the friends exclaim. "That's not all," continues the third, "a handful of crushed nuts, a sugar wafer, hot chocolate sauce, and topped off with a beautiful red cherry." "That sounds great," one of the others said. "What could possibly make you so sad then?" "Well, it looked so fucking good, I ate it myself!" 7. A Polack walks into the office of a circus and offers to jump to the ground from ten meters up, head first, without a net. The manager does not believe this so they go to the stage. The Polack gets up to about ten meters height, takes a deep breath and jumps head first. He crashes down on his head, lies still for a few moments and then gets up. The manager is fascinated. "That's incredible!" he exclaims. "I'll pay you one hundred dollars a night." The Polack shakes his head. "Okay, okay, I'll pay you three hundred dollars a night." "No," replies the Polack. "I'll pay you a thousand dollars!" says the manager. "No," says the Polack, "I've changed my mind -- I don't want to jump anymore. I didn't know it would hurt so much!" 8. A Polack discovered that he had three balls. He was so anxious to tell it to someone that he stopped the first man he met on the road and told him, "Do you want to bet that together we have five balls?" He lost his bet... the other guy had only one ball! 9. The old Polack general lived with his young wife in a lonely villa. They kept two guards in front of the house to protect them against intruders. One night the guards saw that the lights in the general's bedroom were on for a very long time. Suspicious, they snuck up to the window and peeped in. The general's

wife was lying on the bed naked, looking quite bored. The Polack general, also naked, was anxiously walking around the room with a pistol in his hand. Suddenly he stopped, looked down at his groin and shouted, "Stand up like a man or I'll shoot!" 10. A Polack landowner has been wondering for quite a while about the quietness of his barnyard during the mid-day breaks. One day he decides to find out what's behind it all, so he steps out discreetly and sees his farmhand crossing the yard with pants open and disappearing into the barn. The landowner calls his servant back and asks him what's going on inside the barn. "Well, sir, we've got quite a jolly game going on in there. The girls hide their heads in the hay and then have to guess who did it!" "That sounds like fun," replies the Polack landowner. "Can I join you?" "I guess so," says the farmhand. "Your wife has been at it for six weeks already!" 11. Kyacki's son had been acting a little strange lately, so Kyacki took him to a psychiatrist. "Tell me, son," questioned the shrink, "how many wheels does an auto have?" "Four. " "Very good," said the doctor. "Now what is it a cow has four of that a woman has two?" "Legs." "And what does your father have that your mother likes most?" "Money." The psychiatrist turned to Kyacki and said, "You don't have to worry about him -he's smart!" "He sure is!" said the Polack. "I missed the last two questions myself!" 12. Two Polacks go to see a Western movie. In the middle of the film a cowboy, mounted on a white horse, and an Indian, mounted on a black horse, begin to race each other across the plain. The first Polack turns to his friend and says, "I'll bet you fifty dollars that the black horse gets to the river before the white horse." "Okay, you're on!" exclaims the second Polack. A few seconds later, the white horse and his rider splash into the river ten lengths ahead of the black horse. "Listen," said the second Polack after a pause, "I can't take your money. I have seen this movie before and I knew that the white horse would win." "Ah!" said the first Polack. "I have seen it twice before... but that black horse got off to such a good start THIS time! " 13. The sawmill foreman hired Sofronski, led him to a buzz saw and explained how it worked. He warned Sofronski that it was extremely dangerous, and left him alone. Sofronski, fascinated by the saw, reached out a probing finger toward it. One second later the finger was gone. Sofronski screamed in pain, bringing the foreman on the run. "What happened?" he asked. "Your saw cut my finger off." "Well," asked the foreman, "what did you do wrong?" "I don't know!" said the Polack. "I just touch it like this... ow! Damn, there go another one!" 14. A gorilla in the zoo died. His female companion, after a few months, began getting violent as her need for sex increased. The zookeepers decided to get a man to make love to her. They picked up a Polack down on skid row and offered him twenty

dollars for the job. They muzzled the she-ape, tied her arms to the bars, and let the Polack gingerly into her cage. When the gorilla saw the guy had an erection, she suddenly ripped her arms loose from the bars and began crushing him in her embrace. "Help!" he shouted. "For God's sake, help!" "Don't worry," the keeper shouted back, "we'll get an elephant-gun and shoot her." "No! No! Don't shoot her. Just get her muzzle off -- I wanna kiss her!" 15. A Polack goes into the doctor's surgery with both his ears burnt. "I have never seen such a case," exclaims the doctor. "What on earth happened?" "I was ironing my clothes," explains the Polack, "when the phone rang." "But what about the other ear?" asks the doctor. "Well," replies the Polack, "I had to phone for the ambulance." Osho Jokes on Nationalities 1. An American, a German and a Polack were going on safari. They split up in the morning and met again in the evening. Sitting around the camp fire they started telling of their adventures. The German says, "I shot two tigers, an elephant and some apes." The American, says, "Ah, I shot much more: six crows, four tigers and about three elephants." They both look at the Polack, who's saying nothing at all. "What about you, Polanski?" they ask. "I shot sixty-seven no-no's," he says. Although the American and the German had quite a bit of experience in the jungle, they had never heard of such an animal. "What is a no-no?" they ask. "Well," Polanski replies, "they are about six feet high, black, curly hair, big lips, and when you point your rifle at them they shout, `No! No!' 2. Pieracki, a Polack, Odum, a black, and Alvarez, a Mexican, were out of work and living together. Pieracki came home one night and announced he had got a job. "Hey, fellas, wake me up tomorrow at six," he said. "I have to be at work by sixthirty!" While Pieracki slept, Odum said to Alvarez, "He got a job because he is white. We can't get one because I am black and you are brown." So during the night they put shoeblack all over Pieracki. Then they agreed to wake him late. Next morning when Pieracki arrived at work, the foreman said, "Who are you?" "You hired me yesterday," he replied. "You told me to be here at six-thirty!" "I hired a white man -- you're black!" "I'm not!" "Yes, you are! Go and look in the mirror!" The Polack rushed over to the mirror, looked at himself and exclaimed, "My God! They woke up the wrong man!" 3. Pierre, a Frenchman, Tonio, an Italian, and Stash, a Pole, were traveling through the country when their car broke down. They found lodging at a farm, and in the course of the night the Frenchman decided to sneak into the farmer's daughter's room. The farmer heard him walking up the stairs and said, "Who is it?" Thinking quickly, Pierre whispered, "Meow, meow...." Twenty minutes later, Tonio made the same attempt. As he neared the farmer's daughter's room, the girl's father shouted, "Who is there?" The Italian also imitated the feline sound, "Meow, meow...."

Stash decided that he, too, should make an attempt. Just as he got to the girl's room, the farmer shouted, "Alright, who is it?" The Polack replied, "It is me, the cat." 4. Swami Anando has contributed this authentic letter from his Polish mother: Dear Son, Just a few lines to let you know that I be still alive. I writing this letter slowly because I know you not able to read fast. You won't know the house when you get home. We moved. There be a washing machine in the house when we move in, but it not working too good. Last week I put fourteen shirts into it, pull the chain, and I not see the shirts since. Your sister Hanna had baby this morning. I not find out yet whether it be boy or girl, so I not know whether you be an aunt or an uncle. Your uncle Leopold drown last week in a vat of whisky. Some of the men dived in to save him, but he fight them off hard. We cremated his body, but it took three days to put out the fire. Your father not have much to drink at Christmas. I put a bottle of Castor oil in his pint of beer. It keep him going until New Year's Day. It only rain twice last week. First for three day and then for four day. Try to learn write me soon. Your loving mother, XXX P.S. I be going to send you ten dollars, but I already seal the envelope. 5. One Polack arrived in New York seeking his fame and fortune. As he strolled down the sidewalk he noticed a great long ladder propped against the side of a building, stretching upward as far as the eye could see. He started to pass on by, but a voice high in the clouds called down, "Climb up the ladder to success!" Somewhat nervously he began to ascend, rung by rung, all the way to the top of the fifty-story edifice. When he got there, a slender, blond, blue-eyed boy seated on the ledge of the building smiled sweetly at him. "Hi, there!" he said. "I am Cess!" 6. A Jew and a Polack are sitting together in a train compartment. The Jew is eating some apple seeds. After some time, the Polack becomes curious and asks the Jew, "Why are you eating apple seeds?" The Jew replies, "Apple seeds make you smart!" The Polack, even more curious, asks, "Are they for sale?" The Jew answers, "Yes, of course, You can have these five apple seeds for five dollars only." The Polack agrees to the deal and starts eating the seeds. Suddenly the Polack turns to the Jew and says, "Hey, you, listen, for five dollars I could have bought five kilos of apples!" The Jew turns to him with a satisfied smile and answers, "Now you see -it has started working already!" 7. A Polack and a Jew were walking in the desert. The Jew was carrying a watermelon, the Polack was carrying a car door. After a while the Polack said, "Why are you carrying that watermelon?" The Jew said, "So when it gets too hot I cut it open and eat a piece of it." After a while, the Jew said, "And why are you carrying that car door?" "So," said the Polack, "when it gets too hot I just roll down the window!" 8. An airplane full of tourists is flying from New York to Texas when one of the engines stops working. The captain speaks to the passengers: "Ladies and gentlemen, in order to stay alive we have to throw all the luggage overboard. Then we will have less weight and we will safely reach our destination." So they do. But a few hours later the second engine stops working and again the

captain speaks to the passengers: "Ladies and gentlemen, in order to safely reach our destination we need three persons to jump off the plane." An Englishman stands up. "Sorry," he says, "I beg your pardon... but of course...." He turns around to the rest of the passengers, grabs his umbrella and jumps out of the plane shouting, "God save the Queen!" A Frenchman gets up with tears in his eyes. "Vive la France!" he cries and jumps out. A man from India wearing pure white khadi clothes, looking more like Morarji Desai than Morarji Desai himself, walks through the plane, grabs one old woman by the throat, throws her out of the plane and shouts, "Long live Mahatma Gandhi!" 9. A Polack and a Jew are riding together in the same train and start chatting. "How is it possible," asks the Polack, "that you Jews are so successful in business?" "It is simple," replies the Jew. "We have good-luck charms." "What are they?" asks the Polack. "Well," replies the Jew, "it is something we carry with us all the time that brings us good luck." And he pulls a plastic bag out of his pocket and begins to unroll it. Inside is a fish head. "Wow!" says the Polack, poking the fish head. And he asks if the Jew is willing to sell it. "Twenty dollars and it's yours," replies the Jew. The Polack hands over twenty dollars and pockets the fish head. But ten minutes later he is upset. "I have just realized," says the Polack, "I could buy at least ten fishes in the market for twenty dollars." "Aha!" says the Jew. "You see, it's working already!" 10. An Indian went to Singapore to buy a video. He went into a shop and asked, "What is the price of this video near the window?" The seller answered, "Sorry sir, we don't sell to Indians." The Indian went back to his hotel and dressed in his best clothes. Back at the shop, again he asked, "What is the price of this video near the window?" To his dismay, the seller replied, "Sorry sir, we don't sell to Indians." The Indian went back to his hotel and dressed in Western-style clothes -- shorts, Tshirt, sunglasses. Returning again to the shop, the Indian was most upset to receive the same answer to his enquiry. In exasperation he asked, "How do you know that I'm an Indian?" "Oh," said the seller, "that's easy. The machine near the window is not a video, it is a washing machine." Osho jokes on Pope the Polack 1. Zalewski got a job as a delivery boy in a pet shop. One day he was told to deliver a pet rabbit to Mrs. Caldwell, Route 2 -- Box 4. "You better write that down in case I forget it," said the boy. Slipping the address into his pocket, Zalewski started off on his errand. Every few minutes he glanced at the address and said, "I know where I am going: Mrs. Caldwell, Route 2 -- Box 4." Everything went smoothly until he hit a huge hole in the road. The truck landed in a ditch and the rabbit began to run for its life across an open field. Zalewski stood there laughing uproariously. A passerby stopped and asked, "What's so funny?" "Did you see that crazy rabbit running across that field?" said the Polack. "He does

not know where he is going because I have got the address in my pocket." 2. Kowalski and Olga are making love in the upstairs bedroom. Just as Kowalski is about to start up his machinery, they hear a loud banging noise downstairs. "What's that?" asks Olga, jumping up in bed. "Nothing," pants Kowalski. "Come on, let's get on with it!" "No! No way!" demands Olga. "No lovemaking until you find out what is going on downstairs." Poor Kowalski stumbles downstairs with a very large erection, and flips on the the lights. Suddenly, the cat jumps out of the window. The dog dives under the sofa. And the parrot, trapped in its cage, looks around frantically, then tucks one leg under its wing and screams, "Wait! Wait, you silly Polack... you wouldn't fuck a cripple would you?" 3. Pope the Polack finds that his Catholic Christian empire is crumbling. He orders all the Vatican researchers to try and find a solution to this impending disaster. One day, Cardinal Catzass comes charging into the papal office. "I've got it! I've got it!" screams Catzass. "In one of the old manuscripts, it says that God has left his final message on a tiny planet at the edge of the universe, called Hysteria." Desperate, Pope the Polack empties out the safe of Banco Vaticano, and gives the money to the Russians to build him a rocket to take him to Hysteria. After weeks of training, Pope the Polack, Cardinal Catzass, and a chimpanzee pilot, blast off from earth and hurtle through space towards the distant planet. Light years later, they land at a tiny spaceport in the middle of the Hysteria desert, and the Polack pope does his thing kissing the dirt. On a signpost is written the words: "God's last message -- forty miles." In full regalia, with his shepherd's staff, rocket-shaped hat, and space suit, Pope the Polack sets off, trudging through the desert. Cardinal Catzass waves the incenseburner as they go. Ten hours and twenty miles later, both the Polack pope and Cardinal Catzass are on their hands and knees, gasping for water. The next morning sees the pair of Polacks pulling themselves slowly through the sand. That night, they reach the top of a small rise and look at the hills in the distance. There, in flashing neon lights, the whole hillside is lit up with God's final message to the universe. It reads: "We apologize for any inconvenience." 4. Pope the Polack is invited to the White House to give a special speech on the role of the Vatican in saving the world. As he is speaking to a group of people on the lawn, he coughs, and his false teeth fall out onto the ground and break. Seeing the situation, a nearby guest digs into his pocket and pulls out a set of dentures. Embarrassed, the pope fumbles around with them, but because they are too big, he cannot get the teeth into his mouth. Then the guest reaches into another pocket and offers another set of false teeth. But this time they are too small. The guest pulls out a third set from his back pocket, and the toothless Polack shoves them into his mouth. These teeth fit. Nervous, but happy, Pope the Polack turns to the guest and says, "Wow! That is great. Are you a dentist?" "Nope," replies the guest, with a wink, "I am an undertaker!"

5. It is a dark and stormy day at the Vatican. The bells are tolling ominously, as inside, on his deathbed, lies Pope the Polack, breathing his last. At the bedside there is a crowd of bishops, cardinals, priests and other homosexuals, moaning and chanting. Cardinal Cats-ass is crying his eyes out, as he is bent over the pope's face. "Ah! Don't be upset," gasps Pope the Polack. "Don't cry. The Vatican council will surely find a great man to take my place. As a matter of fact, I am sure he will do much better than me." "But," whimpers Catsass, "that is just what they promised us last time!" 6. How many Polacks are needed for an electrical repair job? Seven: one to be the negative pole, one to be the positive pole, and five to keep them apart! 7. The Polack patient lying on the operating table whispers to the surgical-masked doctor, "You can take your mask off now, doctor, I have recognized you!" 8. Do you remember the famous proverb: "The bread never falls but on its buttered side?" However, there is a story of a Polack whose bread fell and landed buttered side up. He ran straight away to the Polack Pope to report this deviance from one of the basic rules of the universe. At first the Pope would not believe him, but finally became convinced that it had happened. However, he didn't feel immediately ready to deal with the question and asked for time. He studied hard the old scriptures about it, prayed to God and did all kinds of things to find an infallible answer. After months of waiting he finally came up with an answer. He said to the Polack, "The bread must have been buttered on the wrong side." 9. The Polack Pope was finally persuaded by his cardinals to find a woman, so that he could better understand the problems of mankind. "Well-a, okay," said the Polack Pope, "but-a she's-a gotta have certain qualifications. First-a, she's-a gotta be blind, so she cannot see-a what-a I am-a doing to her. Second-a, she's-a gotta be deaf, so she cannot hear-a what I say-a. And third-a, she's-a gotta have-a the biggest tits-a in Italy!" 10. As the boat was sinking, the skipper called out, "Does anyone know how to pray?" "I do," replied pope the polack, who was on board the ship. "Okay, go ahead and pray," said the captain. "The rest of us will put on life jackets; we're one short." 11. I have heard about the Polack Pope: He was aboard a plane and the pilot said, "It is unfortunate that out of the four engines one has stopped working, but there is no need to worry. Three engines are more than enough to take us to our destination. The only thing is we will be three hours late." After fifteen minutes he said, "Sorry to interrupt you again: the second engine has stopped, but no need to worry. Two engines are still more than enough and we will complete our journey, but now we will be six hours late." And after half an hour he announced again, "Ladies and gentlemen, sorry to announce that the third engine has also failed, but still there is no need to panic.

One engine is enough to take us to the destination, but now we will be nine hours late." And after just five minutes he said, "If you want to say your prayers you can say them, because the last engine has stopped?" And there was great panic and chaos, but the Polack Pope was sitting silently. The lady sitting by his side ying and weeping and screaming He said "What is the matter? Why are you so worried? At the most we will be twelve hours late!" 12. Pope the Polack puts on civilian clothes so that he can walk around the streets without being recognized. While he is out walking, a woman comes up to him and says, "Want a blow job?" The pope says, "A blow job? What's that?" The woman replies, "Ten dollars." The pope is mystified, but he continues his walk through the streets. Everywhere he goes, he is met by women saying, "Blow job, blow job!" all day long. Finally, when he returns to the Vatican and the papal palace, he sees one of the nuns. "Tell me, sister," asks Pope the Polack, "what's a blow job?" Osho Jokes on Fake Spirituality 1. "How much for a roast beef sandwich?" asks Little Feenie Finkelstein, standing in Chicken Chopper's Sandwich Shop. "Two dollars," replies Chicken Chopper, from behind the counter. "How much for a cheese sandwich?" asks the little Jew. "One dollar," replies Chicken. "What about a ham sandwich?" asks Feenie. But before Chicken Chopper can reply there is a loud clap of thunder in the sky overhead. Feenie Finkelstein falls to his knees, looks up at the sky and prays out loud, "Okay! Okay! -- I was only asking!" 2. One mahatma, a great saint, died -- must have been someone like Muktananda. One of his followers died the next day. When the follower reached heaven, the first thing that he was interested in was, "Where is our guru, our Muktananda? He must be enjoying -- he must have been given all the joys that only heaven can provide." And then suddenly he saw Muktananda underneath a beautiful tree... with whom, do you know? -- with Sophia Loren! Sophia Loren sitting in his lap, both naked, hugging each other! The follower fell at the feet of Muktananda. He said, "Guru Deva, O Great Master, I always knew that you were the greatest master; now I am seeing with my own eyes. God is so pleased with you, he has given you Sophia Loren as a reward!"Muktananda looked very angrily at the man and said, "You fool, stop talking nonsense! You don't understand a thing. She is not my reward, I am her punishment!" 3. A Polack is badly injured in a car crash and he has to have a brain transplant. A team of surgeons put him to sleep, remove his brain, and go into the next room to get a new one. But when they return to the operating room, the Polack is gone. The police search everywhere for him but without success -- he has vanished. The doctors contact the international police and they check throughout the world for a

brainless Pole. Finally, five years later, they find him. He is wearing silly robes and a big hat and is living in the Vatican! 4. Rodney, the eldest son of a respectable Boston family, announced to his shocked father that he intended to live with his swishy boyfriend on Beacon Hill. "Damn it, Rodney," the parent responded, "our family came over with John Winthrop, and we've never had a scandal such as this." "I can't help it, father, I love him." "But for God's sake, son, he's Catholic!" 5. St Peter challenged the Archangel Gabriel to a game of golf. St. Peter's first drive resulted in a hole-in-one. Gabriel's first drive produced the same result The same thing happened at the next shot. St. Peter looked at Gabriel thoughtfully and then said, "What do you say we cut out the miracles and play some golf?" 6. A minister, a priest and a rabbi were discussing how they "divined" what part of the collection money each retained for personal needs and what part was turned in to their respective institutions. "I draw a line," said the minister, "on the floor. All the money I toss in the air -- what lands to the right of the line I keep, to the left of the line is the Lord's." The priest nodded, saying, "My system is essentially the same, only I use a circle. What lands inside is mine, outside is his." The rabbi smiled and said, "I do the same thing. I toss all the money into the air and whatever God grabs is his!" 7. The distraught young man was perched on the fortieth-floor ledge of a midtown hotel and threatening to jump. The closest the police could get was the roof of an adjacent building a few feet below. However, all pleas to the man to return to safety were of no avail. A priest from the nearest parish was summoned, and he hastened to the scene."Think, my son," he intoned to the would-be suicide. "Think of your mother and father who love you." "Aw, they don't love me," the man replied. "I'm jumping!" "No! Stop!" cried the priest. "Think of the woman who loves you!" "Nobody loves me! I'm jumping!" came the response. "But think," the priest implored, "think of Jesus and Mary and Joseph who love you!" "Jesus, Mary and Joseph?" the man queried, "who are they?" At which point the cleric yelled back, "Jump, you Jew bastard, jump!" 8. Rabbi Greenberg died and went to heaven. He saw only three people there, reading by a dim light. One of them was Madjibhai Morarjibhai Desai who was reading PLAYBOY, the second one was Ayatollah Khomaniac -- he was reading GALLERY -and the third was Pope The Polack who was reading GENESIS. And they were all reading very religiously. He could not believe his own eyes. First he could not believe that there were only three people in heaven, and then he could not believe they were all religiously reading PLAYBOY, GALLERY, GENESIS -- and reading so religiously, as if they were reading the Gita, the Koran, the Bible. He decided to see what hell was like. The rabbi got to the Devil's domain and it turned out to be a big nightclub with every kind of music being played. There was an eight-piece Dixieland band, a thirty-piece swing band, and all the people were dancing. Rabbi Greenberg went back up to heaven and asked for an audience with God. "I

don't understand it, Lord," he . said. "There are only three people in heaven and they are all reading, and they are all reading things which should not be read, and they are reading them so religiously. I am amazed! I am surprised! And down in hell everybody is dancing and having a good time! And these three people look so sad and so ugly. Why can't we have some music in heaven, some dance in heaven?" The Lord said, "I can't hire a band just for these three stupid people!" Repression, control can only make you stupid. And remember, even if you go to heaven you will smuggle some old copies of PLAYBOY, GALLERY, GENESIS, because here you missed them. They are bound to go with you. Here you were reading the Gita, the Koran and the Bible; here you were repressing. It is easy to repress in a life of seventy or eighty years, but in heaven it is infinity. How long can you repress? How long can you sit upon a volcano? Sooner or later it is bound to erupt. 9. A man who was a salesman of dictionaries and encyclopedias was telling the woman, standing on her doorstep, "This is the latest encyclopedia. You and your children, all will be benefited by it." But she said, "We have it already. You can see, there in the corner." The man looked in the corner. There was a book of the same thickness. He said, "That is not an encyclopedia, that is the HOLY BIBLE." The woman could not believe it -- from that far, how could he judge that the book was the HOLY BIBLE? She said, "That amazes me. You are certainly a man of knowledge. How could you manage to see that that is a HOLY BIBLE?" He said, "Anybody can conclude that, seeing the layer of dust that has gathered on the Bible." 10. Paddy NcNaughty went to confession: "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "And what is it that you have done, my son?" "I made love to one of the girls in the village." "My God!" said the priest, "and which of the village girls did you commit sin with?" "Ah, Father, that I cannot tell." "And if you will not tell me, then I shall not give you absolution." "Ah dear!" said Paddy. "Was it Molly O'Flaherty?" asked the priest. "No, it was not Molly O'Flaherty." "Then was it Flora Fitzgibbons?" "Ah no," said Paddy, "it was not Flora Fitzgibbons." "Was it Maggie Muldoon, then?" persisted the priest. "Ah, sure no, it was not Maggie Muldoon." "Then who in heaven's name was it?" "Ah, sure, Father -- that I cannot tell." "And if you don't tell me I shall not give ya absolution." "Ah, Father, that's too bad!" said Paddy and walked out of the confessional. His friend, Michael, was waiting outside. "Well, Paddy, did ya get yar sins forgiven?" "No," said Paddy, "but I got the names of a few good broads!" Osho Jokes on 'Character Paddy' 1. Paddy wakes up in hospital, covered in bandages, and notices Seamus sitting at his bedside. "What happened to me?" asks Paddy. "Well," replies Seamus, "you had a few too many drinks last night, and then you made a bet that you could jump out of the window and fly around the pub." "Why didn't you stop me?" Paddy screams.

"Stop you?" replies Seamus. "Hell, I bet twenty-five dollars on you." 2. Paddy goes to the horse races in Dublin. In the evening, he walks into a pub and orders a large brandy for himself and drinks for everyone in the bar. "And have one yourself," he tells the bartender, generously. Half an hour later, the order is repeated, and this goes on all evening until at closing time, the bartender taps Paddy on the shoulder. "I hope you don't mind my mentioning it," he says, "but your bill comes to two hundred pounds." "Does it?" asks Paddy. "Well I am sorry to hear that, because I've not got a penny." The bartender leaps over the bar and starts to beat Paddy and eventually kicks him out of the door, into the street. The next evening, the pub is just opening when Paddy walks in. "A large brandy for me," he announces, "and drinks for everyone in the bar. But I am not giving you one," he says to the barman. "After a couple of drinks, you get very nasty!" 3. Paddy and Kowalski are in town for a drinking spree. After a lot of drinking, they decide to go to the hundred-story-high, revolving, Roasting Rhinoceros Restaurant for some dinner. They choose a table overlooking the city lights, but have only been sitting there for a few minutes when both of them feel the need to pee. "Can you tell us where the bathroom is?" Paddy slobbers at the head waiter. "Certainly, sir," replies the waiter, pointing across the restaurant. "Just go down the passage over there, turn left and go two steps down." The directions are repeated again for Kowalski, who is not quite sure he knows where he is, or what he is looking for. "Just remember," says the head waiter, "turn left and two steps down..." So, Paddy and Kowalski set off across the room and down the passage. They take the first door on the left and step inside, into the open elevator shaft. One hundred stories below, Paddy slowly picks himself up off the ground. "How do you feel?" Paddy asks his Polack friend, lying beside him. "Not too bad," replies Kowalski. "But I don't think I can manage that second step." 4. There is an accident on the construction site. Seamus runs over to where Paddy is lying in a heap of rubble. "Are you dead, Paddy, after such a terrible fall?" asks Seamus. "Yes, certainly I am," replies Paddy. "Ah, bejabers!" says Seamus, "you are such a terrible liar, I don't know whether to believe you or not." "That proves I am dead, you idiot," says Paddy. "If I was alive, you would not be calling me a liar to my face." 5. Paddy Murphy is on his way home, when he comes across a woman crying hysterically. "What is the matter, lady?" he asks. "MacTavish is dead!" she sobs. "MacTavish is dead!" A few minutes later he comes across another woman sobbing, "MacTavish is dead! MacTavish is dead!" Soon he finds another woman crying the same thing, and then as he approaches the railway crossing he sees a ghastly sight. A train has run over a man and cut him in pieces. And there on the street next to the body is lying his foot-and-a-half long prick. Several women are standing around

crying, "MacTavish is dead! MacTavish is dead!" When Paddy arrives home, he says to Maureen, "I just saw a terrible thing. A train ran over a guy and cut off his pecker. And would you believe it? His prick was eighteen inches long!" "My God!" cries Maureen. "MacTavish is dead!" 6. Hymie Goldberg is touring Ireland in his car when he finds Paddy hitch-hiking, holding a cow. "I can give you a lift," says Hymie, "but I can't take your cow." "Oh, that's okay," says Paddy, "she will follow us at her own speed. " So Paddy gets in and Hymie is soon driving at thirty miles per hour. The cow is trotting along behind. Hymie speeds up to forty miles per hour and the cow is still keeping pace. At fifty miles per hour Hymie sees that the cow is right behind, but he notices that she seems to be getting tired. "I'm a bit worried about your cow," says Hymie, "her tongue is hanging out of her mouth." "Which side of the mouth?" asks Paddy. "On the right side," replies Hymie. "Oh, that's all right then," says Paddy. "That just means she wants to pass you!" 7. Paddy is a drunkard and yet Maureen has never tasted alcohol in her whole life. "Hey, you drunk," she says one day, "give me that bottle. I want to taste whatever it is that has made you the bum you are." Taking the bottle of cheap whiskey, she takes a good gulp from it. "Yuk," she gasps, "that's the most vile-tasting liquid that has ever passed my lips. It tastes terrible." "You see," says Paddy, "and all these years you thought I was having a good time." 8. A group of young men -- all Irish Catholics -- go into a pub. They don't greet Abbie, one of the men already standing at the bar. Paddy, one of the young Irish fellows, asks his friends why they don't greet Abbie. "Oh, he is a Jew," they say, "and Jews are awful people. They killed our Lord Jesus Christ." Paddy is very upset to hear this and goes over to Abbie and starts beating him up. "Stop, stop!" shouts Abbie. "What are you doing this for?" "I'm doing it because Jews tortured Jesus and killed him." "Yes, I know," says Abbie, "but it is nothing to do with me. That happened two thousand years ago." Paddy gives him another blow and says, "I don't care. I only heard it ten minutes ago!" 9. Paddy was known for his foul language by everyone in his congregation. The parson took him aside on Sunday and said, "Every time you swear you must give five dollars to the nearest stranger. That will cure you soon enough." As Paddy left the preacher, he stubbed his toe and then silently handed the five dollars to a woman just entering the church. "Okay," whispered the woman, "But can you wait until after the service?" 10. Paddy drove through the red light and smashed into a car driven by Father O'Hagan. The car turned over three times and the priest was thrown from the vehicle into the gutter. Paddy rushed over and said, "I am terribly sorry, Father". "Saints above!" said the shaken priest, "You almost killed me." "Here," said Paddy, "I have got a small bottle of whisky. Take some and you will feel a lot better." Father O'Hagan took a couple of large gulps and then continued his tirade: "What were you doing? You nearly launched me into eternity." "I am sorry, Father," said Paddy. "Take a few more sips and it will ease your nerves." The priest took another large gulp and almost finished the bottle, which he offered to Paddy saying, "Why don't you have a drink?" "No thanks, Father," said Paddy, "I will

just sit here and wait for the police to arrive!" 11. Paddy and his friend Sean were sitting in a bar moaning to each other, talking about how ugly their wives are -- a common topic among husbands. "My wife is so ugly," said Sean, "if I want to make love to her I have to put a bag over her head." "That's nothing," said Paddy. "My wife was so ugly when she was born that the doctor slapped her mother." 12. Paddy goes into a pub one day and sees a very well-dressed man sitting in the corner. But what he notices most are his beautiful shoes. So he goes over and asks about them and the man tells him they are crocodile shoes. But Paddy has never heard of a crocodile, so he goes over to his friends and asks them. They tell him that it is a very dangerous animal that lives in the swamps of the Amazon jungle. Paddy is determined to have a pair of these shoes, so he sells his house, his car and his wife, and sets off for South America. Once he is there he eventually finds a man with a boat, who is willing to take him up the Amazon. After many weeks they reach the heart of the jungle and Paddy sees a crocodile, swimming around in the swamp. So he immediately dives in and has a terrific fight with the beast. They are thrashing about in the water for over an hour until, tired and bleeding, Paddy manages to haul the dead crocodile into the boat. With his last strength, Paddy turns the crocodile over onto its back, takes one look at it and shrieks: "My God! It has got no shoes on!" 13. Paddy was convinced he was a cannibal. His wife finally persuaded him to visit a psychiatrist. When Paddy returned home after his first visit, his wife asked, "So tell me, what is a fancy psychiatrist like?" "Delicious," beamed Paddy. 14. Paddy and Sean were sitting in the bar when Paddy said, "You know, Sean, I have read so much lately about how smoking can ruin your health that I have finally decided to do something about it." "So, you are going to give up smoking?" asked Sean. "Heavens no," cried Paddy, "I am going to give up reading." 15. Paddy complained to his friend Sean, that he had seen his wife going into a movie with a strange man. "Did you follow them inside?" asked Sean. "No way," replied Paddy, "I had already seen the movie." 16. Paddy was digging his garden one day, when he saw a little creature at his feet. He lifted his shovel up to kill it, but to his surprise it spoke. "Paddy, I'm a leprechaun. Spare my life and I will grant ye three wishes." "Three wishes? Done!" said Paddy, then thought: "Well, I am thirsty from all this digging. I would like a bottle of cold Guinness." The leprechaun snapped his fingers and Paddy found he was holding a bottle of Guinness. "That there," said the leprechaun, "is a magic bottle. It will never empty -- it will pour forever." Paddy took a swig. Lovely. "What are your next two wishes, Paddy?" asked the leprechaun Paddy thought, "I think I would like two more of these, please."

17. Paddy and his two friends, an Englishman and a Scotsman, got sentenced to five years in jail, but were told that they could have one thing with them that they badly wanted. The Englishman had a big blonde, the Scotsman had bottles of whisky, and Paddy chose packets and packets of cigarettes. Five years came and they were all let out, one by one. The Englishman came out with his blonde, looking absolutely knackered, the Scotsman came out staggering all over, and hiccupping. And last of all out came Paddy, of course, looking very frustrated. And do you know what his first words were? "Have you got a light, anybody?" 18. Paddy lurches out of the pub and bumps straight into Father Murphy, the village priest. "Patrick," says the priest, "I am so sorry to see you come out of such a place as that!" "Well, then," says Paddy, turning around, "I will go right back." 19. Paddy is called as the prime witness in an assault case but gets things a little mixed up in his account of the affair. "It was Dennis who started it all, your honor," begins Paddy. "He trod on my foot. So I pushed him off and smacked him on the jaw. Just then, his dog ran up and I hit him again." "Hit the dog?" asks the judge. "No, your honor, I hit Dennis. Then I picked up a stone and threw it at him and it rolled him over and over." "Threw a stone at Dennis?" asks the judge. "At the dog, your honor. Then he got up and hit me again." "The dog?" asks the judge. "No, Dennis. And with that he stuck his tail between his legs and ran off." "Dennis?" asks the judge. "No, the dog," says Paddy. "And when he came back at me, he got me down and pounded me, your honor." "The dog came back at you?" asks the judge. "No, Dennis, your honor. And he was not hurt at all." "Who was not hurt?" asks the judge. "The dog, your honor," says Paddy. The judge scratches his head and fines the dog ten dollars. 20. A woman is out riding one day when she falls off her horse and shoots straight through a hedge, where her jeans and sweater are torn off. She is lying naked and unconscious in the field when Father Murphy comes by on his bicycle. Seeing the naked girl, he runs over to see what has happened, but not knowing what to do, he places his black priest's hat over her pussy and jumps on his bicycle to go and get help. Just then, Paddy and Sean stagger out of the pub and go over to the hedge to take a piss. Seeing the girl lying there, Paddy turns to Sean and says, "Look, that girl seems to be in trouble." "She is," says Sean, "and the first thing we've got to do is to get Father Murphy out of there." Osho Jokes on Repressed Sexuality 1. A young cowboy, in the wild west for the first time, finds himself in a town without women. At the local saloon, he asks the other cowboys how they manage without women, and they tell him to find a sheep or a cow for a companion. A few days later, the young man walks in with a pig. He sits her down at a table and then walks over to the bar and says, "I will have a large whiskey for myself and a root beer for the young lady." The bartender reaches below the bar and brings out his shotgun. He points it at the young man, who starts to back away. "I don't understand," he says. "You told me I could find a companion." "I know," replies the bartender, taking aim. "Then why are you pointing that gun at me?" cries the cowboy.

"We told you to find a companion," says the bartender, "but not the sheriff's wife." 2. Terrence and Mrs. Tuber, the TV Couch Potatoes, are propped up on their potato couch, chewing peanuts and watching their favorite soap opera "The Potato Family" on television. When the doorbell rings, Chip the dog starts barking, and Terrence looks around at it and accidentally pops a peanut into his ear. He is still sitting on his potato couch with his head tipped to one side, trying to get the peanut out, when his daughter and her boyfriend Frito walk in. Frito immediately sees the situation and offers to help Terrence to get the peanut out. "Look," says Frito, "I'll cover your mouth, stick my two fingers into your nostrils and then blow into your other ear." In desperation, Terrence agrees to give this a try. Frito stuffs his fingers tightly into the couch potato's nose and blows into his ear. Sure enough, the peanut pops out the other side. Later that evening, Terrence and Mrs. Tuber are propped up in bed watching a re-run of "The Potato Family" on television, when Mrs. Tuber asks her husband, "That Frito is such a nice boy, what do you think he will do when he leaves school?" "I don't know what his plans are," replies Terrence. "But from the smell of his fingers, I think he will probably be our son-in-law." 3. "Hey man," says Swami Haridas to his friend, Stonehead Niskriya, "how come you got home so early from your date with Papaya Pineapple last night?" "Well," explains Stonehead, "after dinner we went back to her apartment. We sat on her bed listening to music, talked for a while, and drank some herb tea. Then she slowly undressed, pulled back the bed covers, lay down, reached over me, and turned out the light." "So?" asks Haridas. "What happened?" "Well, I can take a hint," replies Stonehead. "So I went home!" 4. Miss Goodbody is teaching sex education to her ninth-grade class. Sitting in the back of the room, reading Playboy and smoking a cigarette, is Chester Cheese's kid, Wiseguy Willy. "Class," begins Miss Goodbody, shakily, "today we will discuss sexual intercourse." Wise-guy Willy puts down his magazine, smiles, and winks at Miss Goodbody. "Uh... there are eight basic positions for sexual intercourse," Miss Goodbody says nervously. "Nine," comes Willy's voice from the back. Flustered and blushing, Miss Goodbody begins again. "There are eight basic positions for sexual intercourse," she stammers. "Nine," interrupts Willy, again. This time Miss Goodbody takes a deep breath and continues, "The first is called the missionary position: the man is on top of the woman and facing her..." "Aha!" says Willy, winking again, "ten!" 5. In a school in Poland the teacher asks, "Has any of you ever saved somebody's life?" A little boy raises his arm, "Yes, my little nephew's." "How did it happen? Tell us!" asks the teacher. The little Polack says, "I hid my sister's birth control pills!" 6. The unmarried Polack cleaning woman had a baby. When asked by a social worker about the father of the child, she replied curtly, "Dunno! You think I turn around every time I clean the stairs?"

7. The phone is ringing in the doctor's office. He picks it up and hears the desperate voice of a Polack woman: "Hello, Doc! Did I leave my underpants in your room after the medical examination?" "No," replies the doctor, "they are not here." Half an hour later she calls again. "Hello, Doc, it's me again. Don't worry anymore, I found them -- they were at the dentist's!" 8. "That parapsychology course at the Osho Meditation University is fabulous!" says Swami Francesco. "My ESP talents are developing so fast!" "That's hard to believe," states his friend, Swami Giovanni, "you'd better prove it." "For instance, my telepathy," says Francesco. "You just point at any door, and I shall give you remarkable particulars about the person who answers." "Okay, THAT door," points his friend. "Tell me what will happen." "Well," meditates Francesco. "I feel that a man whose girlfriend is having her period will open the door...." "Hello, friends," greets Swami Mariano, entering the room through the same door. "Does your girlfriend have her period?" asks Giovanni. "Shit!" answers Mariano, wiping his mouth and chin. "Can you see it?" 9. That old dried-up prune, Mother Teresa, invites that old rotten fruitcake, Pope the Polack, to come and visit her Bleeding Hearts Home for the Dead and Dying in Calcutta. The Polack is thrilled to receive the invitation, so he gets Cardinal Catzass to pack their bags, and they fly off to India.Their first day is spent touring Mother Teresa's Bleeding Hearts Home, blessing all the half-dead Christian converts. The next morning, the two Catholic cowboys from Rome go out into the streets of Calcutta, to wave at the crowds of starving Hindus. But all day long, Pope the Polack has been acting very strangely. Cardinal Catzass is worried about the old Polack and asks him, "Your Holiness, what is the matter?" "Listen," says the old fruitcake, "as soon as we get back to that Bleeding Hearts Home, the first thing I want to do is rip off Mother Teresa's knickers!" "Really?" replies the shocked cardinal. "Why do you want to do that?" "Because," says the pope with a groan, "they are much too tight for me!" 10. Dimmel Himmel, a nice Jewish boy from Berlin, goes to live in America to make his fortune, and ends up in L.A., California. After a few years, he comes back to Berlin to visit his old mother, Mrs. Hattie Himmel. He walks through the door in his stonewashed Levi jeans, alligator tennis shirt, and Reebok sneakers. "Oy, veh!" cries Mamma Himmel, "but where are your beautiful long whiskers?" "Ah, Mamma!" replies Dimmel. "Nobody wears a beard in L.A." "Oy, my baby!" cries Hettie Himmel. "But tell me, you have at least been keeping the Sabbath?" "Look, Mamma," says Himmel. "Business is business! In America, people work on the Sabbath." "Ah, God!" cries Mamma Himmel. "But kosher food you still eat?" "Listen, Mamma," replies Himmel, "I am an American now. It is very difficult to keep kosher in America." The old lady looks at her son in shock. She hesitates for a moment and then goes up to him and whispers, "Dimmel, my son, tell me one thing -- are you still circumcised?" 11. Roxanne, a beautiful, well-built blonde, applied at a circus for the job of a lion tamer. Ralph was another candidate.

"I will give you both a chance," said the manager. "The girl can go first." Roxanne, wearing a full-length mink coat, entered the cage. A huge lion was let in with her and immediately the animal started to charge. Suddenly, Roxanne opened her fur coat and stood there, completely naked. The lion stopped dead in his tracks and began licking her feet, then her hands, then he went meekly back to the corner. The manager was amazed. He turned towards the young man. "Well, pal, do you think you can top that?" "I sure can," said Ralph. "You just get that stupid lion out of there and I will show you." 12. Karpuik was rushed to the emergency room of the city hospital. The doctor on duty was amazed to discover that Karpuik had scalded his scrotum. "How did it happen?" he asked. "I was making tea," replied the Polack, "and the directions said, 'Soak bag in hot water.'" 13. Pilzudski took his wife to the doctor and complained that he could not have intercourse with her because she was too tight. "Alright," said the doctor, "let's test it!" The sawbones put the wife on the table, applied some vaseline to his instrument and entered Pilzudski's wife easily. "Hey," said the Polack, as he watched the doctor pumping away, "if it not be for the medicine I think you be screwing my wife!" 14. Once a British lady was approached by a German man. As he was quite taken by her beauty, he marched over to her and shouted, "I love you!" She said, "If you really love me, jump off the cliff!" Before he could think he kissed her hand and jumped. A short time later the British lady was approached by an Italian. He swaggered up to her and passionately whispered in her ear, "Amore mio!" She responded by whispering in his ear, "If you really love me, jump off the cliff." Coming up for air between kisses he answered, "If you really love me, you must jump with me!" Impressed with his wit, she conceded to make love with him. Still a short while later the British lady was approached by a British man. He made her acquaintance and invited her for tea. After several hours of polite conversation, he said, with some reserve, "I love you." She answered, "If you really love me, jump off the cliff." To which he gallantly replied, "Ladies first!" 15. Old Zeb, the back-woods Virginia farmer, has been screwing one of his favorite pigs for years. Suddenly, Zeb is hit by pangs of guilt and conscience that torture him so much he decides to go and tell the priest about it in confession. Father Fungus is shocked and he really does not know how to handle this one. "Well," says the priest to old Zeb, "tell me, is the pig male or female?" "She's female, of course," snorts Zeb. "What do you think I am -- some kind of a pervert?" 16. General Brahmachapatti has been in Ruby Hall Clinic for a couple of weeks for a minor operation. The nurses are fed up with him. He is always complaining about the food and the service, waking up the nurses in the middle of the night, demanding cups of hot chocolate, and so on. One morning a nurse comes into his room and says, "Good morning, general. Please take down your pyjamas and turn over -- I need to take your temperature." "But nurse," protests the general, "I always have the thermometer in my mouth, not

my ass. Why this change?" "This morning," explains the nurse, "we need a really accurate temperature, so that the lab can make an analysis." The general grumpily agrees, takes down his pyjamas, turns over, and raises his bum in the air. "Now, general," says the nurse, making the insertion, "this is a special thermometer and it needs to be left quite a long time to get an accurate result. So don't move until I come back." In the next few hours many people come into the general's room, but all of them just gasp and leave quickly in embarrassment. Finally, the general's wife comes to visit him. She walks in and stares at him in amazement, not knowing what to say. "What is the matter with you, woman?" thunders the general. "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?" "Yes, darling, I have," stammers his wife, "but not with a banana!" 17. Proper Sagar goes to visit Doctor Azima. He hangs up his umbrella and his hat. Then he takes off his jacket, his shirt and tie, and his trousers -- folding them up very neatly and putting them on the chair. Then he takes off his shoes and puts them under the chair, straight. Then he takes off his underwear, folds them nicely, and also puts them on the chair. Standing stiffly in front of Azima, Sagar calmly says, "As you can see, Doctor, my left testicle hangs lower than my right one." "Oh," smiles Azima, "but that-a is perfectly normal. You have-a nothing to worry about." "I am not worrying," replies Proper Sagar. "But don't you think it is a bit untidy?" 18. Pope the Polack is on a pilgrimage in Calcutta where he makes an official visit to Mother Teresa's orphanage. Mother Teresa is showing him around, and the Polack is bending and kissing everything in sight. Suddenly, as he bends over to kiss Mother Teresa's pride and joy, the new church organ, the pope recoils in terror. There, stretched out across the top of the organ, is a big black condom. Purple with rage, Pope the Polack demands an explanation from Mother Teresa. "Well," says Mother Teresa, "one of my orphans found it in a package on the street, and when I read the label it said: `Place on organ and feel secure.'" 19. Doctor Feelgood is visiting the insane asylum to see the latest condition of some of his patients. He is led into the first room, opens the door, and meets Charlie Rosenkrantz. At that moment Mr. Rosenkrantz is swinging an imaginary golf club in the air. "Well, Charlie," says Feelgood. "When do you think you will be getting out?" "No problem," replies Charlie, swinging away. "Just as soon as I hit a hole-in-one." Feelgood shakes his head and goes on to the next room. There he finds Chester Cheese swinging an imaginary baseball bat. "Hello, Chester," says Feelgood. "And when do you think you will be getting out?" "Oh, soon," replies Chester. "Just as soon as I hit this home-run." Feelgood shakes his head again, and is led to the next room. He walks in and finds Donald Dickstein rubbing a bag of peanuts up against his open zipper. "Hello, Donald," says Feelgood. "And when do you think you will be getting out?" "Out? Are you kidding?" says Donald excitedly. "I'm fucking nuts!" 20. Things are looking bad for the members of the Catholic church. Their image is being damaged by stories of sex and perversion within the ranks of the priesthood. Their

so-called celibacy is becoming a worldwide joke. So Pope the Polack calls his press secretary, Bishop Benny Diction, and orders him to create a cover-up campaign. "Well, Your Holiness," says Benny, "I have already given this a lot of thought. I am convinced that we need to change our style of dress. Right now, people look at us and all they see is a bunch of dirty habits!" "Yes," says the pope, "perhaps you are right. So what should we do?" "Simple!" replies Benny Diction. "What I have in mind is a complete change of image. We will cover the city with posters of a nun in a bikini!" "What?" cries the Polack pope. "A nun in a bikini? How is that going to promote celibacy in the world?" "Well," explains Benny Diction, "the model for the photograph is going to be Mother Teresa!" 21. Big Bertha, the circus fat lady, marries Max the midget, and for a short time everything seems to be going just fine. But then one day, Big Bertha arrives at Judge Grump's divorce court wanting a divorce on the grounds that her husband is a midget. "But surely you knew he was a midget before you married him!" exclaims Judge Grump. "Did you not realize the difficulties this marriage would involve?" "How was I to know?" sobs Bertha. "Everything was great except for the sex." "Sex?" asks the judge. "What does his being a midget have to do with sex?" "Well, judge," replies Big Bertha, "when we are nose to nose, his toes are in, and when we are toes to toes, his nose is in! And when he really puts it in, he disappears altogether -- and Oh, Your Honor! I get so lonely!" 22. A Polack stripteaser goes to a theater manager for an audition. Before beginning her performance, she puts a big red apple in the middle of the stage and to the accompaniment of soft sexy music, she begins her number. The music comes to a crescendo... she is almost naked. With a crash of cymbals and a roll of the drums, to the gaping eyes of the theater manager, she leaps across the stage, does three impressive pirouettes and to the final crash of the drums dives down in the splits and lands on top of the big red apple. When she gets up to bow, the apple has disappeared. After a moment of deathly hush, the theater manager applauds her ecstatically. "You will become famous all over the world. I will book you for the best theaters in Tokyo, London, Hamburg, New York and Paris." "No! Paris no!" replies the stripteaser in a worried tone. "Why not Paris?" asks the manager. "It's one of the best cities in the world for your number." "No, not Paris! In Paris my mother does this number with a watermelon!" 23. An old English gentleman was on trial before the high court of Australia, for the crime of making sexual advances to an ostrich. "Before passing sentence," announced the judge, "do you have anything to say?" "Your honor," said the Englishman, "if I had known you were going to make such a fuss about it, I would not have married the bloody bird!" 24. Zowicki, in a body-cast, lay in a hospital bed explaining to a doctor how he fell off the roof and broke most of his bones. "Twenty years ago, I be on road selling brushes when my car break down and I walk to nearby house to use the phone," he began. "A good-looking blonde built like a brick shipyard answered the door. She did not have phone, but ask me to stay over till morning. "I stay in upstairs room. That night she ask if I need anything. I tell her 'No.' One

hour later she come back again, ask if I want anything. I tell her everything all right. Around midnight she stop by again and ask if I want anything. I tell her I be fine." "What's that got to do with your accident?" asked the doctor. "Well," said the Polack, "I be up on the roof fixing TV antenna when I remember that night back then, and all of a sudden I realize what she driving at. I jumped up, fell off the roof, and here I am!" 25. Pierino walked into a cocktail lounge and said to the barmaid, "Give me a double scotch!" "Hey, kid," she sighed, "you want to get me in trouble?" "Maybe later, lady! Right now I just wanna drink!" 26. Several young boys were called by the New Delhi authorities for a medical check-up to determine the paternity of a certain teenage girl's baby. Chandulal went in and after a few minutes came out. "Don't worry, fellows," he smiled. "They'll never find out. They're taking samples from the finger!" 27. Pundit Ramprasad Shastri comes home and finds his wife in bed with another man. The pundit takes out a gun from the drawer and puts it to his head. The wife's lover jumps up and shouts, "Hey, what are you doing?" "Shut up!" says the Indian pundit. "You are next!" 28. Kazewski and Candelli agreed to a bet on who could make love to his wife more times in one night. They took adjoining hotel rooms and decided that each time they succeeded they would carve a notch on the wall. Candelli performed at once at ten o'clock, placing a scratch on the wall. Then at two a.m. he drew another gash. By six o'clock he had three scratches. At eight in the morning the Polack came in and looked at the marks. "My god! One hundred and eleven!" cried the Polack. "He beat me by three!" 29. Corporal Torlonia had been overseas for eighteen months. He came home and found he had a three-week-old baby. His wife explained that she dreamt she had intercourse with him, and she got pregnant. Torlonia sued for divorce. In court even the judge was astounded by the wife's story. He stood up and asked the audience if they had ever had intercourse with a ghost. In the back, Torlonia's father raised his hand. His Honor called him to the bench. "Now," said the judge, "you say you had intercourse with a ghost?'." "Ah, scusa," said the elderly Italian, "I thought-a you say-a goat!" 30. A smart New York career girl married Stefano, a handsome young Italian farmer. She was not too happy with his social manner and started trying to improve him immediately. Throughout the wedding reception she continuously corrected his mistakes, telling him what to say, which knife to use at the table and how to pass the butter. Finally the celebrations were over and they were in bed at last. Stefano fidgeted between the sheets, unsure of himself, but finally he turned towards his new wife and stuttered, "Could you pass the pussy, please?" 31. The male dinosaur has been going out with the female dinosaur for two thousand years and finally he asks her for a kiss. She agrees. Four thousand years later he asks if they might hug a little, and she agrees. Three thousand years later he says, "Look, honey, we have been seeing each other for about nine thousand years. Don't you think it is about time we... er... you know, get it on?" She looks at him shyly, and says, "Oh, darling I would love to, but I'm

having my decade." 32. Amos Saperstein dies suddenly with an enormous erection. The undertaker, Moishe Finkelstein, tries everything to make it shrink. He puts cold water on it, then packs it in ice cubes, but nothing works. Finally they decide that they have only one option: they cut a hole in the lid of the coffin and cover it with a sheet. On the way to the cemetery the coffin is carried past two little old ladies sitting on a bench. "Well, there goes old Amos," says grandma Kravitz. "I hope his family gave him a proper send-off." Just then a gust of wind blows the sheet off the top of the coffin. "The tight fisted bastards," says grandma. "Look at that! Only one lousy flower." 33. A priest with a huge prick has terrible trouble getting any woman to sleep with him. At the local whorehouse it is always the same answer, "Sorry father, I wish I could, but that monster is much too big for me." In desperation, the priest thinks up a cunning scheme. He visits a whorehouse on the other side of the town where no one knows him, picks out a girl and takes her to the bedroom. Once they are inside the priest tells the girl he is very shy and then says, "Do you mind if I undress with the lights out?" She agrees. Then as he climbs on top of her she says, "Do you know, father, I am really glad this is what you came here for. When you first walked through the door I was sure you were just going to talk to me about... Jesus Christ!" 34. Pope the Polack is very sick. Doctors come from all over the world to try and diagnose his illness, and finally a little Jewish psychiatrist finds the cause of the problem. He tells the pope, "Your holiness, because you have had nothing to do with women all your life, your hormones are unbalanced and there is only one possible cure. You must make love with a woman." "No, no!" cries Pope the Polack, "I can't. All the vows I have taken... I just can't!" "But, your holiness," replies the shrink, "you must or you will die, and this too is a mortal sin." The pope retires for a few days to consider his fate, and then calls the psychiatrist again. "Okay," says Pope the Polack, "I have reached my decision. I will do as you ask. But please, be sure that the girl has nice, big tits." 35. Old Finkelstein was seventy-five when he decided to marry a young girl of twenty. His friends were scandalized, and one of them said, "Finkelstein, do you realize that a man of your age having sex with a young girl could be very dangerous -- even fatal?" Finkelstein considered for a while, then shrugged and said, "Oh, well, if she dies, she dies!" 36. The doctor was explaining to Paddy how nature makes up for a person's deficiencies. "For example," he told Paddy, "if a man is deaf, he may have very good eyesight, and if a man is blind, he may have a very good sense of smell." "I think I see what you mean," said Paddy. "I have often noticed that if a man has one short leg, then the other one is always a little bit longer." 37. The student demonstration had turned into a riot. Suddenly a man staggered out of the crowd carrying a limp girl in his arms. "Here," shouted a cop running up to the man, "give her to me. I will get her out of

this." "The hell with you," replied the man, "go and find one of your own!" 38. Uncle Albert is staying for the weekend, and little Ernie is asking him all sorts of questions. "Uncle Albert," he asks, "why are some men bald on the front of their head?" "Well," replies Uncle Albert, "these men are the great thinkers." "And what about the men that are bald on the back of their head?" asks little Ernie. "These men," explains Uncle Albert, "are the great fuckers." "So what does it mean," continues little Ernie, "when they are bald all over?" "That's obvious," replies Uncle Albert, "these men think they are great fuckers." 39. Paddy nearly has an accident at work, and he is so shocked that he decides to become a reformed Christian. He tells Maureen that he is going to give up sex for a month. With only a few days to go before the end of the month, Paddy and Maureen are shopping together in the local supermarket. Maureen leans over a tray of apples and Paddy gets a good look at her chest and nearly goes mad. A few minutes later, Paddy sees her thigh when her dress gets tangled in another customer's shopping cart. In the confusion, he loses all control of himself, forgetting his vow of celibacy completely. A few days later, Paddy goes to confession and tells Father Murphy that he has broken his vow. The priest tries to console him, saying that after all the days and nights of his great effort, God and the church would forgive him. "I'm not worried about God and the church," replies Paddy, "but Maureen and I feel terrible because they won't let us back in the supermarket!" Osho Jokes on Mulla Nasrudin 1. During a religious meeting an attractive young widow leaned too far over the balcony and fell, but her dress caught on a chandelier and held her impended in mid-air. The preacher, of course, immediately noticed the woman’s predicament and called out to his congregation: ”The first person who looks up there is in danger of being punished with blindness.” Mulla Nasrudin, who was in the congregation whispered to the man next to him, ”I Think I will Risk one Eye". 2. Mulla Nasrudin was testifying in Court. He noticed that everything he was being taken down by the court reporter. As he went along, he began talking faster and still faster. Finally, the reporter was frantic to keep up with him. Suddenly, the Mulla said, ”Good Gracious, Mister, don’t write so fast, I can’t keep up with you!” 3. ”What’s the idea,” asked the boss of his new employee, Mulla Nasrudin, ”of telling me you had five years’ experience, when now I find you never had a job before?” ”Well,” said Nasrudin, ”didn’t you advertise for a man with imagination?” 4. Mulla Nasrudin’s servant rushed into the room and cried, ”Hurry your husband is lying unconscious in the hall beside a large round box with a piece of paper clutched in his hand.” ”How Exciting,” said Mulla Nasrudin’s wife, ”My Fur Coat Has Come.”

5. Mulla Nasrudin trying to pull his car out of a parking space banged into the car

ahead. Then he backed into the car behind. Finally, after pulling into the street, he hit a beer truck. When the police arrived, the patrolman said, ”Let’s see your licence, Sir.” ”Don’t be silly,” said Nasrudin. ”who do you think would give me a licence?”

6. ”What’s the idea of coming in here late every morning, Mulla?” asked the boss. ”It's Your fault, Sir” Said Mulla Nasrudin. ”You have Trained me so Thoroughly not to watch the Clock in the office, Now I am in the Habit of not looking at it Home.” 7. Applicants for a job on a dam had to take a written examination, the first question of which was,”What does hydrodynamics mean?” Mulla Nasrudin, one of the applicants for the job, looked at this, then wrote against it: ”it means I Don’t get job.” 8. The boss was asked to write a reference for Mulla Nasrudin whom he was dismissing after only oneweek’s work. He would not lie, and he did not want to hurt the Mulla unnecessarily. So he wrote: ”to whom it may concern: mulla nasrudin worked for us for one week, and We are satisfied.”

9. A rich widow had lost all her money in a business deal and was flat broke. She told

her lover, MullaNasrudin, about it and asked, ”Dear, in spite of the fact that I am not rich any more will you still love me?” “Certainly, Honey,” said Nasrudin, ”i will. Love you always – even though i will probably never see you again.”

10.A patent medicine salesman at the fair was shouting his claims for his Rejuvenation

Elixir. ”If you don’t believe the label, just look at me,” he shouted. ”I take it and I am 300 years old.” ”Is he really that old?” asked a farmer of the salesman’s young assistant, Mulla Nasrudin. "I really don’t know,” Said Nasrudin. ”you see, i have only been with him for 180 years.”

11.Mulla Nasrudin complained to the health department about his brothers.

”I have got six brothers,” he said. ”We all live in one room. They have too many pets. One has twelve monkeys and another has twelve dogs. There’s no air in the room and it’s terrible! You have got to do something about it.” ”Have you got windows?” asked the man at the health department. ”Yes,” said the Mulla. ”Why don’t you open them?” he suggested. ”What?” Yelled nasrudin, ”and lose all my pigeons?”

12.Mulla Nasrudin had just asked his newest girlfriend to marry him. But she seemed undecided. ”If I should say no to you” she said, ”would you commit suicide?” ”That,” said Nasrudin gallantly, ”has been my usual procedure.”

13.The young lady had said she would marry him, and Mulla Nasrudin was holding her

tenderly. ”I wonder what your folks will think,” he said. ”Do they know that I write poetry?” ”Not yet, Honey,” she said. ”i have told them about your drinking and gambling, but i

thought i’d better not tell them everything at once.”

14.Mulla Nasrudin was looking over greeting cards.

The salesman said, ”Here’s a nice one – ”to the only girl i ever loved.” ”wonderful,” said Nasrudin. ”i will take six.”

15.”Well, Nasrudin, my boy,” said his uncle, ”my congratulations! I hear you are engaged to one of the pretty Noyes twins.” ”Rather!” replied Mulla Nasrudin, heartily. ”But,” said his uncle, ”how on earth do you manage to tell them apart?” ”Oh,” said Nasrudin. ”I Dont Try!”

16.”And are mine the only lips, Mulla, you have kissed?” asked she. ”Yes,” said Nasrudin, ”and they are the sweetest of all.”

17.”There just is not any justice in this world,” said Mulla Nasrudin to a friend. ”I used

to be a 97-pound weakling, and whenever I went to the beach with my girl, this big 197-pound bully came over and kicked sand in my face. I decided to do something about it, so I took a weight-lifting course and after a while I weighed 197 pounds.” ”So what happened?” his friend asked. ”Well, after that,” said Nasrudin, ”whenever i went to the beach with my girl, a 257pound bully kicked sand in my face.”

18. ”Dorothy, your boyfriend, Mulla Nasrudin, seems very bashful,” said Mama to her daughter. ”Bashful!” echoed the daughter, ”bashful is no name for it.” ”Why don’t you encourage him a little more? Some men have to be taught how to do their courting.He’s a good catch.” ”Encourage him!” said the daughter, ”he cannot take the most palpable hint. Why, only last night when I sat all alone on the sofa, he perched up in a chair as far away as he could get. I asked him if he didn’t think it strange that a man’s arm and a woman’s waist seemed always to be the same length, and what do you think he did?” ”Why, just what any sensible man would have done – tried it.” ”NO,” said the daughter. ”He asked me if i could find a piece of string so we could measure and see if it was so.”

19.Mulla Nasrudin, visiting India, was told he should by all means go on a tiger hunt

before returning to his country. ”It’s easy,” he was assured. ”You simply tie a bleating goat in a thicket as night comes on. The cries of the animal will attract a tiger. You are up in a nearby tree. When the tiger arrives, aim your gun between his eyes and blast away.” When the Mulla returned from the hunt he was asked how he made out. ”No luck at all,” said Nasrudin. ”Those tigers are altogether too clever for me. They Travel in Pairs, and Each one closes an eye. So, of course, I Missed them every time.”

20.An artist was hunting a spot where he could spend a week or two and do some work

in peace andquiet. He had stopped at the village tavern and was talking to one of the customers, Mulla Nasrudin, about staying at his farm. ”I think I’d like to stay up at your farm,” the artist said, ”provided there is some good scenery. Is there very much to see up there?”

”I am afraid not ” said Nasrudin. ”of course, if you look out the front door you can See the barn across the road, but if you look out the back door, you can’t See anything but mountains for the next forty miles.”

21.Mulla Nasrudin and his wife were sitting on a bench in the park one evening just at

dusk. Without knowing that they were close by, a young man and his girl friend sat down at a bench on the other side of a hedge. Almost immediately, the young man began to talk in the most loving manner imaginable. ”He does not know we are sitting here,” Mulla Nasrudin’s wife whispered to her husband. ”It sounds like he is going to propose to her. I think you should cough or something and warn him.” ”Why should I warn him?” asked Nasrudin. ”Nobody warned me.”

Osho Mulla Nasruddin Jokes 1. A patrolman was about to write a speeding ticket, when a woman in the back seat began shouting at Mulla Nasruddin, ”There! I told you to watch out. But you kept right on. Getting out of line, not blowing your horn, passing stop streets, speeding, and everything else. Didn’t I tell you, you’d get caught? Didn’t I? Didn’t I?” ”Who is that woman?” the patrolman asked. ”My wife,” said the Mulla. ”Drive on,” the patrolman said. ”you have been Punished enough.” 2. Mulla Nasruddin was visiting the town dentist to get some advance prices on his work. ”The price for pulling a tooth is four dollars each,” the dentist told him. ”But in order to make it painless we will have to give gas and that will be three dollars extra.” ”Oh, don’t worry about giving gas,” said the Mulla. ”That won’t be necessary. We can save the three dollars.” ”That’s all right with me,” said the dentist. ”I have heard that you mountain people are strong and tough. All I can say is that you are a brave man.” ”It isn’t me that’s having my tooth pulled,” said Nasrudin. ”it’s my wife.” 3. The professional money raiser called upon Mulla Nasruddin. ”I am seeking contributions for a worthy charity,” he said. ”Our goal is 100, 000andawell − known philanthropist has already donated a quarter of that.” ”Wonderful,” said Nasrudin. ”and I will give you another Quarter. Have you Got Change for a dollar?” 4. One Thursday night, Mulla Nasruddin came home to supper. His wife served him baked beans. He threw his plate of beans against the wall and shouted, ”I hate baked beans.” ’Mulla, I can’t figure you out,” his wife said, ”Monday night you liked Baked beans, Tuesday night you liked baked beans, Wednesday night you liked Baked beans and now, all of a sudden, on Thursday night, you say you hate Baked beans.” 5. The prosecutor began his cross-examination of the witness, Mulla Nasrudin. ”Do you know this man?” ”How should I know him?”

”Did he borrow money from you?” ”Why should he borrow money from me?” Annoyed, the judge asked the Mulla ”Why do you persist in answering every question with another question?” ”why not?” said Mulla Nasrudin 6. Mulla Nasruddin had taken one too many when he walked upto the police sargeant’s desk. ”Officer you’d better lock me up,” he said. ”I just hit my wife on the head with a beer bottle.” ”Did you kill her:” asked the officer. ”Don’t think so,” said Nasruddin. ”that’s why i want you to lock me up.” 7. Mulla Nasruddin’s family was on a picnic. The wife was standing near the edge of a high cliff, admiring the sea dashing on the rocks below. Her young son came up and said, ”Dad says it’s not safe Here. Either you stand back farther or give me the sandwiches.” 8. The boss was complaining to Mulla Nasruddin about his constant tardiness. ”It’s funny,” he said. ”You are always late in the morning and you live right across the street. Now, Billy Wilson, who lives two miles away, is always on time.” ”There is nothing funny about it,” said Nasruddin. ”if Billy is late in the morning, he can hurry, but if I am late, I am here.” 9. The boss told Mulla Nasrudin that if he could not get to work on time, he would be fired. So the Mulla went to the doctor, who gave him a pill. The Mulla took the pill, slept well, and was awake before he heard the alarm clock. He dressed and ate breakfast leisurely. Later he strolled into the office, arriving half an hour before his boss. When the boss came in, the Mulla said: ”Well, I didn’t have any trouble getting up this morning.” ”That’s good,” said Mulla Nasruddin’s boss, ”But where were you Yesterday?” Mulla Nasruddin had a house on the United States-Canadian border. No one knew whether the house was in the United States or Canada. It was decided to appoint a committee to solve the problem. After deciding it was in the United States, Mulla Nasruddin leaped with joy. ”HURRAH!” he shouted, ”Now I don’t have to suffer from those terrible Canadian winters!” 10. It was after the intermission at the theater, and Mulla Nasruddin and his wife were returning to their seats. ”Did I step on your feet as I went out?” the Mulla asked a man at the end of the row. ”You certainly did,” said the man awaiting an apology. Mulla Nasruddin turned to his wife, ”it’s all right, darling,” he said. ”This is our Row.” 11. The barber asked Mulla Nasrudin, ”How did you lose your hair, Mulla?” ”Worry,” said Nasrudin. ”What did you worry about?” asked the barber. ”About Losing my Hair,” said Nasrudin. 12. ”You sure look depressed,” a fellow said to Mulla Nasrudin. ”What’s the trouble?” ”Well,” said the Mulla, ”you remember my aunt who just died. I was the one who had her confined to the mental hospital for the last five years of her life. When she died, she left me all her money. Now i have got to prove that she was of

Sound mind when she made her will six weeks ago.” 13. Mulla Nasrudin complained to the doctor about the size of his bill. ”But, Mulla,” said the doctor, ”You must remember that I made eleven visits to your home for you.” ”YES,” said Nasrudin, ”but you seem to be forgetting that i infected the whole Neighbourhood.” 14. ”Did you know I am a hero?” said Mulla Nasrudin to his friends in the teahouse. ”How come you’re a hero?” asked someone. ”Well, it was my girlfriend’s birthday,” said the Mulla, ”and she said if I ever brought her a gift she would just drop dead in sheer joy. So, i didn’t buy her any and saved her life.” 15. Mulla Nasrudin finally spoke to his girlfriend’s father about marrying his daughter. ”It’s a mere formality, I know,” said the Mulla, ”but we thought you would be pleased if I asked.” ”And where did you get the idea,” her father asked, ”that asking my consent to the marriage was a mere formality?” ”Naturally, From Your Wife, Sir,” said Nasrudin. Osho Mulla Nasrudin Jokes 1. ”What was the argument between you and your father-in-law, Nasrudin?” asked a friend. ”I didn’t mind, when he wore my hat, coat, shoes and suit, BUT WHEN HE SAT DOWN AT THE DINNER TABLE AND LAUGHED AT ME WITH MY OWN TEETH – THAT WAS TOO MUCH,” said Mulla Nasrudin. 2. Mulla Nasrudin’s wife was forever trying to curb his habit of swearing. One day, while shaving, the Mulla nicked his chin, and promptly launched into his most colourful array of cuss words. His wife thereupon repeated it all after him, hoping that her action in doing so would shame him into reforming at last. But instead, the Mulla waited for her to finish them with a familiar twinkle in his eyes said: ”YOU HAVE THE WORDS ALL RIGHT, MY DEAR, BUT YOU DON’T KNOW THE TUNE.” 3. A young bachelor, frequenting the pub quite often, was in the habit of singing laurels of his bachelorhood to all within hearing distance. He was quite cured of his self-centered, eccentric ideals, when once, Mulla Nasrudin got up calmly from the table, gave the hero a paternal thump on the back and remarked, ”I SUPPOSE, YOUNG CHAP, YOUR FATHER MUST HAVE BEEN A BACHELOR TOO.” 4. The minister was congratulating Mulla Nasrudin on his 40th wedding anniversary. ”It requires a lot of patience, tolerance, and understanding to live with the same woman for 40 years,” he said. ”THANK YOU,” said Nasrudin, ”BUT SHE’S NOT THE SAMEWOMAN SHEWAS WHENWE WERE FIRST MARRIED.” 5. The audience was questioning Mulla Nasrudin who had just spoken on big game hunting in Africa. ”Is it true,” asked one, ”that wild beasts in the jungle won’t harm you if you carry a torch?” ”THAT ALL DEPENDS,” said Nasrudin ”ON HOW FAST YOU CARRY IT.”

6. ”Have I not shaved you before, Sir?” the barber asked Mulla Nasrudin. ”NO,” said Nasrudin, ”I GOT THAT SCAR DURING THE WAR.” 7. Mulla Nasrudin who was reeling drunk was getting into his automobile when a policeman came up and asked ”You’re not going to drive that car, are you?” ”CERTAINLY I AM GOING TO DRIVE,” said Nasrudin. ”ANYBODY CAN SEE I AM IN NO CONDITION TO WALK.” 8. Mulla Nasrudin and his wife on a safari cornered a lion. But the lion fooled them; instead of standing his ground and fighting, the lion took to his heels and escaped into the underbush. Mulla Nasrudin terrified very much, was finally asked to stammer out to his wife, ”YOU GO AHEAD AND SEE WHERE THE LION HAS GONE, AND I WILL TRACE BACK AND SEE WHERE HE CAME FROM.” 9. ”Mulla, did your father leave much money when he died?” ”NO,” said Mulla Nasrudin, ”NOT A CENT. IT WAS THIS WAY. HE LO ST HIS HEALTH GETTING WEALTHY, THEN HE LOST HIS WEALTH TRYING TO GET HEALTHY.” 10. Mulla Nasrudin, a mental patient, was chatting with the new superintendent at the state hospital. ”We like you a lot better than we did the last doctor,” he said. The new superintendent was obviously pleased. ”And would you mind telling me why?” he asked. ”OH, SOMEHOW YOU JUST SEEM SO MUCH MORE LIKE ONE OF US,” said Nasrudin. 11. Mulla Nasrudin used to say: ”It is easy to understand the truth of the recent report that says that the children of today cry more and behave worse than the children of a generation ago. Because those were not children – they were us.” 12. ”What’s the best way to teach a girl to swim?” a friend asked Mulla Nasrudin. ”First you put your left arm around her waist,” said the Mulla. ”Then you gently take her left hand and...” ”She’s my sister,” interrupted the friend. ”Oh, then push her off the dock,” said Nasrudin. 13. Mulla Nasrudin said to his girlfriend. ”What do you say we do something different tonight, for a change?” ”O.K.,” she said. ”What do you suggest?” ”You try to kiss me,” said Nasrudin, ”and I will slap your face!” 14. "What do you want with your old letters?” the girl asked her ex-boyfriend, Mulla Nasrudin. ”I have given you back your ring. Do you think I am going to use your letters to sue you or something?” ”Oh, No,” said Nasrudin, ”it’s not that. I paid a fellow twenty-five dollars to write Them for me and I may want to use them over again.” 15. ”What made you quarrel with Mulla Nasrudin?” ”Well, he proposed to me again last night.” ”Where was the harm in it?” ”My dear, i had accepted him the night before.”

Osho Mulla Nasruddin Jokes 1. Mulla Nasruddin killed his wife and then there was a case in the court. The judge said to Nasruddin, 'Nasruddin, you go on insisting again and again that you are a peaceloving man. What type of peaceloving man are you? You killed your wife!' Nasruddin said, 'Yes, I repeat again that I am a peaceloving man. You don't know: when I killed my wife such peace descended on her face, and for the first time in my house there was peace all over. And I still insist that I am a peaceloving man.' 2. Mulla Nasruddin was being analyzed by a psychiatrist. After many months of analysis, many meetings, the psychiatrist said, as Mulla lay on the couch: 'This is what I feel, this is what I conclude: you need to fall in love, you need a beautiful feminine object. Love is your need.' Mulla said, 'Between me and you, don't you think love is silly?' The psychiatrist said, 'Between me and you? -- it would be absurd!' 3. The old Mulla Nasruddin had become a very rich man. When he felt death approaching he decided to make some arrangements for his funeral, so he ordered a beautiful coffin made of ebony wood with satin pillows inside. He also had a beautiful silk caftan made for his dead body to be dressed in. The day the tailor delivered the caftan, Mulla Nasruddin tried it on to see how it would look, but suddenly he exclaimed, "What is this! Where are the pockets?" 4. Mulla Nasruddin was speaking to Morarjibhai Desai. Seeing Mulla Nasruddin in orange, Morarjibhai Desai was obviously annoyed. He said to Nasruddin, "Mulla, what turned you on to Rajneesh?" 'The day I saw him walking out with his hands folded, I knew then that God exists," replied Mulla. Morarji, looking at Mulla from the corner of his eye, asked, "Hmmm, and what do you feel when you see me?" Mulla said, "That God can also make mistakes." 5. Mulla Nasruddin was reading his newspaper and suddenly called his wife and said, "I have caught four flies: two are males and two are females." The wife said, "My god, how did you manage to know their sex?" He said, "Easy! Two were reading the newspaper with me for hours. And two were sitting on the mirror, completely glued." 6. Mulla Nasruddin has not worked for a long time, for years. One day he was sitting by my side. The day was very sunny and he said, "If I had been working somewhere, I would have taken a holiday today." 7. Once I saw Mulla Nasruddin with a very beautiful umbrella, and I asked him, "Nasruddin, when did you purchase it?" He said, "I have not purchased it, it is very old, twenty years old." So I said, "It is a miracle -- twenty years old! It looks so fresh and so new! How did you manage that for twenty years?" He said, "I am absolutely certain it is twenty years old. Of course, it got changed at least two hundred times. Just the other day, when I was coming out of the mosque, it got changed again -- but it is twenty years old."

8. Mulla Nasruddin was caught again and again with some woman's hair on his coat. He asked a friend what to do. The friend said, "It is simple. Before entering the house, you just clean your coat. Keep a brush with yourself." He said, "That's a good idea! It never occurred to me -- so simple!" So one day he found a brush. Outside the house he completely cleaned his coat, and suit, and shirt, and entered the house. The wife looked at his coat, at his pants, and simply started beating her head and crying and screaming! He said, "What has happened? There is no hair at all!" She said, "That's why I am crying. It seems you have started loving some bald woman!" 9. The preacher was chatting with Mulla Nasrudin on the street one day. ”I felt so sorry for your wife in the mosque last Friday,” he said, ”when she had that terrible spell of coughing and everyone turned to look at her.” ”Don’t worry about that,” said the Mulla. ”she had on her new spring hat.” 10. ”You sold me a car two weeks ago,” Mulla Nasrudin said to the used-car salesman. ”Yes, Sir, I remember,” the salesman said. ”well, tell me again all you said about it then,” said Nasrudin. ”I am getting Discouraged". 11. Mulla Nasrudin and his wife went to visit a church that had over the portal the inscription: ”This is the house of God – This is the gate of Heaven.” Nasrudin glanced at these words, tried the door and found it locked, turned to his wife and said: ”In Other Words Go to Hell!” 12. ”We want a responsible man for this job,” said the employer to the applicant, Mulla Nasrudin. ”Well, I guess I am just your man,” said Nasrudin. ”No matter where i worked, whenever anything went wrong, they told me I Was responsible, sir". 13. Mulla Nasrudin told his little boy to climb to the top of the step-ladder. He then held his arms openand told the little fellow to jump. As the little boy jumped, the Mulla stepped back and the boy fell flat on his face. ”That’s to teach you a lesson,” said Nasrudin. ”don’t ever trust anybody, even if It is your own father.” 14. A psychiatrist once asked his patient, Mulla Nasrudin, if the latter suffered from fantasies of selfimportance. ”NO,” replied the Mulla, ”On The Contrary, I Think of Myself As Much Less than I Really am". 15. A wandering beggar received so warm a welcome from Mulla Nasrudin that he was astonished and touched. ”Your welcome warms the heart of one who is often rebuffed,” said the beggar. ”But how did you know, Sir, that I come from another town?” ”Just the fact that you came to me,” said Nasrudin, ”proves you are from another Town. Here everyone knows better than to call on me.” Osho Mulla Nasrudin Jokes

1. One day I met Mulla Nasruddin on the road. He was walking with his two children. So I said, 'How are your two children?' He said, 'Both are good.' I said, 'How old are they?' He said, 'The doctor is five and the lawyer is seven!' 2. To celebrate their thirtieth wedding anniversary, Mulla Nasruddin came home and presented his wife with a little monkey.'Are you crazy or something?' shouted Mistress Nasruddin.'Where the hell are we gonna keep a monkey?' 'Don't worry,' said Nasruddin.'He will sleep right in the bed with us.' 'And what about the smell?' 'If I could stand it for thirty years, he will get used to it soon.' 3. A friend of Mulla Nasruddin was talking to him. He said,'My wife is an angel.' Mulla said,'But mine is still alive.' 4. A psychiatrist once asked his patient, Mulla Nasruddin, if the latter suffered from fantasies of self-importance. 'No,' replied the Mulla.'On the contrary, I think of myself as much less than I really am.' 5. A friend of Mulla Nasruddin said to him,'Come and have a drink.' Mulla Nasruddin came up and took a drink of whisky. 'How is this, Mulla?' asked a bystander.'How can you drink whisky? Sure it was only yesterday ye told me ye was a teetotaller.' 'Well,' said Nasruddin,'you are right. I am a teetotaller, it is true, but I am not a bigotted one.' 6. Mulla Nasruddin stormed out of his office and yelled, 'Something has got to be done about those six phones on my desk. For the past five minutes I have been talking to myself.' 7. Mulla Nasruddin and one of his friends had been drinking all evening in a bar. The friend finally passed out and fell to the floor. The Mulla called a doctor who rushed him to a hospital. When he came to, the doctor asked him, 'Do you see any pink elephants or little green men?' 'No,' groaned the patient. 'No snakes or alligators?' the doctor asked. 'No,' the drunk said. 'Then just sleep it off. You will be all right in the morning,' said the doctor. But Mulla Nasruddin was worried. 'Look, doctor,' he said, 'that boy is in bad shape. He said he could not see any of them animals and you and I know the room is full of them.' 8. One day Mulla Nasruddin was watching the street through the window when he saw his creditor approaching the house. Knowing what the fellow was up to, Mulla called his wife and told her to handle the visitor. Accordingly, the wife opened the door and said,'Yes, sir, I know we haven't yet been able to pay you. And although Mulla himself is not home at this moment, he thinks day and night about ways to get some money and pay you back. He has even asked me to watch the street and whenever a flock of sheep passes to go out and pick up any pieces of wool that might have been caught on the bushes. This way, when we

get enough wool, we can spin it, make a couple of shawls, sell them and with the money pay you back.' When she got to this point, the man started to laugh, whereupon Mulla came out of his hiding and said,'You rascal, now that you smell money, you start to grin.' 9. Mulla Nasruddin had gone to see a play. A man was in such great love in the play, he was acting so romantically that Nasruddin said to his wife, "This man is a great actor." The wife said, "And do you know? -- the woman he's acting with is really his wife in actual life." Nasruddin said, "Then he is the greatest actor in the world!" 10. Mulla Nasruddin has applied for a job. The manager looked at him and did not feel that he's even qualified to apply for it. He asked him, "Can you read and write?" Mulla Nasruddin said, "I cannot read, but I can write." The manager was surprised; this is a rare situation -- he could have never conceived of a man who cannot read but can write. He said, "Then write!" He gave him a paper and Mulla immediately started writing on it. He went fast -- one page, two pages, three pages. The manager said, "Now you stop! You please read what you have written, because I cannot read." Nasruddin said, "That I have told you before -- I can only write! I can't read." 11. Mulla Nasruddin was dying, on his deathbed, almost in a coma. The doctor came to see him. The doctor was drunk; he took his pulse but could not find any pulse because he was holding the hand in the wrong way. He looked at Nasruddin's face and said to his wife, "I'm sorry to say it, but your husband is dead." At that very moment, Nasruddin opened his eyes and said, "What! I am alive!" The wife said, "You keep quiet. He knows better, he is a doctor, an M.D., Ph.D., F.R.C.S. You have some nerve to deny an authority! Keep quiet!" 12. Mulla Nasruddin was so discouraged with life that he decided to commit suicide. One evening he walked out to the country, a loaf of bread tucked under his arm. When he came to a train junction he lay down on the railroad tracks. A peasant passing by was amazed by the strange sight. "What are you doing," he asked, "lying on these tracks?" Said the Mulla, "I am going to commit suicide." "What do you need the bread for?" asked the peasant. "In this country," said the Mulla, "by the time the train gets here, a man could starve to death." 13. When Mulla Nasruddin reached California, he was directed by our sannyasins there to this ultimate weight-losing program. It took four days and was guaranteed to take off fifty pounds or your money would be refunded. He entered the building and was told to enter the first door to his left and to undress there. He did so and then from a second door in the room entered a beautiful blonde woman, naked but for a sign around her neck. It read, "If you catch me, you can make love to me!" Nasruddin felt the passion rise within him. The room was fairly small, but the lady was agile, and it took him twenty minutes to catch her. After his love-making, Nasruddin showered and left, eagerly awaiting the next day. On the second day, he was directed to another room, a bit larger than the first. There a beautiful redhead, naked except for the sign, greeted him. The chase lasted

for almost forty minutes. On the third day, it was another, larger room, and a beautiful brunette! After almost an hour, he caught her too. Throughout the three days, Nasruddin had kept an account of his weight loss -twenty-eight pounds to date. On the fourth day, he envisioned perhaps a bevy of beauties. He was directed to the top floor. He climbed the stairs, removed his clothes and waited. There was a click behind him as the door was locked, and out of his left eye he caught sight of a huge gorilla coming his way with a sign around its neck which read, "If I catch you I'm going to make love to you!" 14. Mulla Nasruddin awoke one morning and looked at the clock. It was five minutes to five. Unable to go back to sleep, he went to the front door to get his newspaper. On the front page he saw the date: May 5th. "Oh, fifth day, fifth month, five minutes before five," he thought. "Today will be my lucky day!" He decided to go to the horse races, so he got dressed and went to the corner to wait for the bus. Soon it came -- it had the number five, and Nasruddin noticed when he boarded that there were three other passengers, the driver and himself -- five in all. He arrived at the track and waited for the fifth race. He bet five hundred rupees on number five to win -- his horse came in fifth! 15. Mulla Nasruddin one day declared in the marketplace, "My wife is the most beautiful woman in the world." People gathered; they knew his woman, his wife, perfectly well -- she was an ordinary, homely woman -- and here he is declaring that she is the most beautiful woman in the world. They said, "Mulla, who has given you this information?" He said, "Who else? -- my wife herself! Just last night she told me." Osho Mulla Nasrudin Jokes 1. Mulla Nasruddin got so drunk that there was a fight with another drunkard, and he had wounds and scratches all over his face. He came home in the middle of the night, looked into the mirror and thought, "Now, tomorrow morning is going to be difficult!" How is he going to hide these wounds and these scratches? His wife is bound to know and she will say, "You got drunk again and you have been fighting again!" How to hide it? A great idea occurred to him. He searched in the medicine chest, found some ointment. He put it on his wounds and scratches, was very happy, pleased with himself that by morning things would not be so bad... and went to sleep. Early in the morning when he was still in bed, his wife shouted from the bathroom, "Who has put ointment on the mirror?" 2. Mulla Nasruddin came across a small boy sitting in the gutter crying loudly. "My boy, don't cry like that," said the Mulla. Said the little boy, "Listen, mate, you cry your way and I will cry mine." 3. Mulla Nasruddin was talking to one of his friends. The friend said, "How was your night last night?" Mulla said, "It was a beautiful night! I dreamed that I had gone to the Taj Mahal Hotel, and I have never tasted such delicious food in my life. I enjoyed my night, my

dream. I can still feel the flavor of the food, I still feel the joy. Those dreams are still around me." The friend said, "That's nothing! That's why I asked how your night was, because last night I dreamed that I was on a boat at sea and Sophia Loren was with me -naked, absolutely naked!" Mulla suddenly became angry and he said, "What kind of friend are you? Why didn't you ask me to come?" The friend said, "I did phone. Your wife said you had gone to the Taj Mahal Hotel!" 4. I asked Mulla Nasruddin, "Nasruddin, I hear you just had an accident?" He said, "Yes, it was pretty bad, but I collected twenty thousand rupees, and my wife who was in the accident with me, got five thousand rupees." I asked him, "Did she get hurt?" Nasruddin laughed and said, "No, but I had the presence of mind to kick her in the face during the confusion!" 5. Mulla Nasruddin and his family were walking to the cemetery with the body of his recently departed wife. Suddenly one of the pallbearers tripped on a cobblestone and fell. The casket dropped to the ground and opened. Everyone stood in shock as the dead Mrs. Nasruddin opened her eyes. She was very much alive, the victim of catatonia. Five years went by and Mrs. Nasruddin passed away, this time a victim of natural causes, but Nasruddin had not forgotten. And on the way to the cemetery as the pallbearers approached the spot where her casket was dropped, he shouted, "For God's sake, watch the cobblestones!" 6. Mulla Nasruddin has purchased a new house and he planted a beautiful garden, a beautiful lawn. Then a new neighbor moved into the empty house by the side of Mulla's house. He was enchanted with Mulla's garden and his lawn. He said, "I would also like to make a beautiful lawn, but how do you know what is grass and what is just weeds?" Mulla said, "Very simple. You pull out both and throw them. Whatsoever grows again on its own is weeds." 7. Mulla Nasruddin came home one night late, utterly drunk. He was trying... and he had only one key, but it wouldn't go in the lock because he was trembling and shaking. The policeman came to see because for half an hour Mulla was trying and trying. And he said, "Wait! Give me the key, I will open it." He said, "No need to bother with the key. You just hold the house in place and I can open it!" 8. Mulla Nasruddin came from his village to the big city, and a rich friend invited him to his box at the opera. Said the friend, "We will be sitting close to other people, so be sure to change your socks before you come!" A short time after they entered their opera seats, the neighbors started turning their noses up at the bad smell. "I told you to change your socks," said the friend to Mulla. "I most certainly did," said Nasruddin. "And furthermore I knew you wouldn't believe me, so I brought the old socks right here in my pocket to prove it!"

9. Mulla Nasruddin's son came home late from school. The Mulla grabbed him and gave him a beating, saying, "Let this be a lesson to you not to come home late!" The next day the boy came home with his clothes dirty from playing. The Mulla gave him a good smacking, saying, "Let this be a lesson to you not to dirty your clothes!" The following day the boy came home with bad grades. The Mulla beat him again, saying, "Let this be a lesson to you not to get bad grades!" The fourth day, as soon as the son came home, the Mulla just grabbed him and beat him. "What is the matter, father?" asked the boy, crying. "Today I came on time, with clean clothes, and with good grades!" "Let this be a lesson to you," said Mulla Nasruddin. "There is no justice in the world!" 10. Once Mulla Nasruddin came home, as usual very drunk. His wife was in a rage, more so because he had just promised the other day that he was trying to leave his habit by and by. And the wife said, "Now, what about your leaving the habit?" Mulla said he had tried his best to break the habit, but when he cut `h' from the word `habit' still `a bit' remained. When he cut `a' still `bit' remained, and when he cut `b' still `it' remained. 11. Mulla Nasruddin limped into the doctor's office with a badly swollen ankle. "Goodness, man!" said the doctor, after looking at Nasruddin's ankle. "How long has tit been in this condition?" "About three months," said the Mulla. "Why, this ankle is broken!" said the doctor. "Why didn't you come to me right away?" "Well, I sort of hesitated," said the Mulla, "because every time I say anything is wrong with me my wife insists that I stop smoking." 12. Once it happened that Mulla Nasruddin came staggering home totally drunk, and knocked many times at his own door. It was already half past midnight. The wife answered and he asked her, "Can you tell me, madam, where Mulla Nasruddin lives?" The wife said, "This is too much. You are Mulla Nasruddin." He said, "That's right, that I know, but it doesn't answer my question. Where does he live?" 13. Mulla Nasruddin's wife was on her deathbed and the doctor said, "Nasruddin, I must be frank with you; in such moments it is better to be truthful. Your wife cannot be saved. The disease has gone beyond us, and you must prepare yourself. Don't allow yourself to suffer, accept it, it is your fate. Your wife is going to die." Nasruddin said, "Don't worry. If I could suffer with her for so many years, I can suffer for a few hours more!" 14. I have heard that Mulla Nasruddin was saying to his son, "It is none of your business, don't ask such things. Who are you to ask me how I met your mother? But I will tell you one thing: she sure cured me of whistling." Then he said, "And this is the moral of the story: if you don't want to be unhappy like me, never whistle at a girl!" 15. Mulla Nasruddin was teaching his small son, who was seven years old, how to approach a girl, how to ask her to dance, what to say and what not to say, how to persuade her.

The boy went away and half an hour later came back and said, "Now teach me how to get rid of her!" Osho on Laughter as a Meditation - Starting and Ending day with Laughter Osho - Laughter brings strength. Now, even medical science says that laughter is one of the most deep-going medicines nature has provided man with. If you can laugh when you are ill you will get your health back sooner. If you cannot laugh, even if you are healthy, sooner or later you will lose your health and you will become ill. Laughter brings some energy from your inner source to your surface. Energy starts flowing, follows laughter like a shadow. Have you watched it? When you really laugh, for those few moments you are in a deep meditative state. Thinking stops. It is impossible to laugh and think together. They are diametrically opposite: either you can laugh or you can think. If you really laugh, thinking stops. If you are still thinking, laughter will be just so-so, it will be just so-so, lagging behind. It will be a crippled laughter. When you really laugh, suddenly mind disappears. And the whole Zen methodology is how to get into no-mind -- laughter is one of the beautiful doors to get to it. As far as I know, dancing and laughter are the best, natural, easily approachable doors. If you really dance, thinking stops. You go on and on, you whirl and whirl, and you become a whirlpool -- all boundaries, all divisions are lost. You don't even know where your body ends and where the existence begins. You melt into existence and the existence melts into you; there is an overlapping of boundaries. And if you are really dancing -- not managing it but allowing it to manage you, allowing it to possess you -- if you are possessed by dance, thinking stops. The same happens with laughter. If you are possessed by laughter, thinking stops. And if you know a few moments of no-mind, those glimpses will promise you many more rewards that are going to come. You just have to become more and more of the sort, of the quality, of no-mind. More and more, thinking has to be dropped. Laughter can be a beautiful introduction to a non-thinking state. And the beauty is.... There are methods -- for example, you can concentrate on a flame or on a black dot, or you can concentrate on a mantra, but the greater possibility is that by the time the mind is disappearing you will start feeling sleepy, you will fall asleep. Because before the mind disappears there open two alternatives: sleep -- sushupti -- and samadhi: sleep and satori. When thinking disappears, these are the two alternatives left: either you move into satori -a fully alert, no-thought state; or a fully asleep, no-thought state -- sleep. And sleep is more natural, because you have practised it long. If you live sixty years, twenty years you have been asleep. It is the greatest activity that you have been doing; one third of your life is spent in sleep. In no other exercise do you spend so much time and so much energy. So if you are doing TM-type meditations, repeating a mantra, by the time the mantra helps you to become non-thinking, immediately sleep will possess you. Hence, I call TM a sort of tranquillizer. And that is the appeal in America for Maharishi and his method, because America is the only country which is suffering from sleeplessness so tremendously. Insomnia has become almost common. If after forty you have not started suffering from insomnia, that simply means that you are a failure, that you could not succeed -- in business, in politics. In power you couldn't succeed; you are a failure. All successful people suffer from insomnia, have to suffer. They

suffer from ulcers, have to suffer. So remember: insomnia, ulcers and things like that are nothing but certificates of success -- that you have succeeded. TM has an appeal for the American mind, because repeating a mantra -- monotonous, the same again and again -- the mind loses interest in it, starts falling asleep. That's the beauty of laughter: you cannot fall asleep. Laughing, how can you fall asleep? It brings a state of no-mind and no-thought, and does not allow you to fall asleep. In a few Zen monasteries, every monk has to start his morning with laughter, and has to end his night with laughter -- the first thing and the last thing! You try it. It is very beautiful. It will look a little crazy -- mm? -- because so many serious people are all around. They will not understand. If you are happy, they always ask why. The question is foolish! If you are sad, they never ask why. They take it for granted -- if you are sad, it's okay. Everybody is sad. What is new in it? Even if you want to tell them, they are not interested because they know all about it, they themselves are sad. So what is the point of telling a long story? -- cut it short! But if you are laughing for no reason, then they become alert -- something has gone wrong. This man seems to be a little crazy because only crazy people enjoy laughter; only in madhouses will you find crazy people laughing. This is unfortunate, but this is so. It will be difficult, if you are a husband or a wife it will be difficult for you to suddenly laugh early in the morning. But try it -- it pays tremendously. It is one of the most beautiful moods to get up with, to get out of the bed with. For no reason! because there is no reason. Simply, you are again there, still alive -- it is a miracle! It seems ridiculous! Why are you alive? And again the world is there. Your wife is still snoring, and the same room, and the same house. In this constantly changing world -what Hindus call the 'maya' -- at least for one night nothing has changed? Everything is there: you can hear the milkman and the traffic has started, and the same noises -- it is worth laughing for! One day you will not get into the morning. One day the milkman will knock at the door, the wife will be snoring, but you will not be there. One day, death will come. Before it knocks you down, have a good laugh -- while there is time, have a good laugh. And look at the whole ridiculousness: again the same day starts; you have done the same things again and again for your whole life. Again you will get into your slippers, rush to the bathroom -- for what? Brushing your teeth, taking a shower -- for what? Where are you going? Getting ready and nowhere to go! Dressing, rushing to the office -- for what? Just to do the same thing again tomorrow? Look at the whole ridiculousness of it -- and have a good laugh. Don't open your eyes. The moment you feel that sleep is gone, first start laughing, then open the eyes -- and that will set a trend for the whole day. If you can laugh early in the morning you will laugh the whole day. You have created a chain effect; one thing leads to another. Laughter leads to more laughter. And almost always I have seen people doing just the wrong thing. From the very early morning they get out of bed complaining, gloomy, sad, depressed, miserable. Then one thing leads to another -- and for nothing. And they get angry... it is very bad because it will change your climate for the whole day, it will set a pattern for the whole day. Zen people are more sane. In their insanity they are saner than you.

They start with laughter... and then the whole day you will feel laughter bubbling, welling up. There are so many ridiculous things happening all over! God must be dying of His laughter -- down the centuries, for eternity, seeing this ridiculousness of the world. The people that He has created, and all the absurdities -- it is really a comedy. He must be laughing. If you become silent after your laughter, one day you will hear God also laughing, you will hear the whole existence laughing -- trees and stones and stars with you. And the Zen monk goes to sleep in the night again with laughter. The day is over, the drama is closed again -- with laughter he says "Goodbye, and if I survive again, tomorrow morning I will greet you again with laughter." Try it! Start and finish your day with laughter, and you will see, by and by, in between these two more and more laughter starts happening. And the more laughing you become, the more religious. Osho - Laughter is repressed by Society Question - Beloved Osho, It is for the first time I have been so close to you. When I am sitting here with you I feel my heart in tune with your heart, I feel a deep love for you. But i also feel my outer seriousness. Why is laughter so difficult for me? Osho - Laughter is one of the things most repressed by society all over the world, in all the ages. Society wants you to be serious. Parents want their children to be serious, teachers want their students to be serious, the bosses want their servants to be serious, the commanders want their armies to be serious. Seriousness is required of everybody. Laughter is dangerous and rebellious. When the teacher is teaching you and you start laughing, it will be taken as an insult. Your parents are saying something to you and you start laughing -- it will be taken as an insult. Seriousness is thought to be honor, respect. Naturally laughter has been repressed so much that even though life all around is hilarious, nobody is laughing. If your laughter is freed from its chains, from its bondage, you will be surprised -- on each step there is something hilarious happening. Life is not serious. Only graveyards are serious, death is serious. Life is love, life is laughter, life is dance, song. But we will have to give life a new orientation. The past has crippled life very badly, it has made you almost laughter blind, just like there are people who are colorblind. There are ten percent of people who are colorblind -- it is a big percentage, but they are not aware that they are colorblind. George Bernard Shaw was colorblind, and he came to know it when he was sixty years old. On his birthday somebody sent a present, a beautiful suit, a coat, but the person forgot to send a tie. So Bernard Shaw went with his secretary to find a matching tie. He liked the suit very much. He looked at ties and he chose one, and the secretary was surprised; she could not believe it -- because the suit was yellow and the tie was green. She said, "What are you doing? This will look very strange." He said, "Why will it look strange? It is the same color." The manager, the salesman... they all gathered, and they tried in many ways to find out.... He could not distinguish between yellow and green; they both appeared the same to him. He was colorblind. But for sixty years he was not aware of it. And there are ten percent of people in the world who are colorblind. Some color they are missing, or maybe they are

mixing it up with some other color. The constant repression of laughter has made you laughter blind. Situations are happening everywhere, but you cannot see that there is any reason to laugh. If your laughter is freed from its bondage, the whole world will be full of laughter. It needs to be full of laughter; it will change almost everything in human life. You will not be as miserable as you are. In fact, you are not as miserable as you look -- it is misery plus seriousness that makes you look so miserable. Just misery plus laughter, and you will not look so miserable! In one apartment house... And modern apartments have such thin walls that whether you want to or not, you have to hear what is going on on the other side of the wall. In a way, it is very human. The whole apartment house was puzzled about one thing.... Every couple was fighting, throwing pillows, throwing things, breaking cups and saucers, shouting at each other, husbands beating wives, wives screaming -- and they don't need any loudspeaker systems or anything, and the whole apartment house enjoyed. The only problem was with one sardarji. From his flat they never heard any fight; on the contrary, they always heard laughter. The whole crowd was puzzled: "What is the matter? These people never fight. There is always laughter -- and both are laughing so loudly that the whole building can hear it!" One day they decided that it had to be looked into: "We are missing so much, and they are enjoying so much. What is their secret?" So they caught hold of the sardarji as he was coming from the market, carrying vegetables and other things. They all caught hold of him and they said, "First you have to tell us that what the secret is -- why do you laugh when everybody fights?" The sardar said, "Don't force me, because the secret is very embarrassing." They said, "Embarrassing? But we thought you are doing great. We always hear laughter -either you laugh or your wife laughs... no fight." The sardar said, "What happens is, she throws things at me. If she misses, then I laugh; if she hits me then she laughs. The same things are going on, but it is just that we have made a different arrangement -- what is the point? So I have learned how to dodge her, and she is learning how to...." After twenty years the same sardar wanted to divorce his wife. The magistrate had heard about them, that this was the only couple in the whole city who had never been known to fight. They simply laugh -- the whole city knows them as the laughing couple. The magistrate said, "What has gone wrong? You are so famous." The sardar said, "Forget all about that -- just give us permission to divorce." But the magistrate said, "I have to know the reason." He said, "The reason is very clear -- she hits me. And it is too much; I have been getting those hits for years." The magistrate asked, "How long have you been married?" He said, "Almost thirty years." The magistrate said, "If you have been able to cope with the woman for thirty years, then just ten, twenty years more...." He said, "That is not the point. At first I used to dodge, but now she has become such a good... there is no way that I can dodge! So only she laughs, I have not laughed for ten years. This is unbearable. In the beginning it was perfect; it was almost fifty-fifty, there was no problem. I was laughing, she was also laughing. But now a hundred percent of the time

she laughs, and a hundred percent I am just standing there, looking like a fool. No, I cannot tolerate it any more." Just look around at life and try to see the humorous side of things. Every event that is happening has its own humorous side, you just need a sense of humor. No religion has accepted the sense of humor as a quality. I want a sense of humor to be a fundamental quality of a good man, of a moral man, of a religious man. And it does not need much looking; you just try to see it, and everywhere.... Once I was traveling in a bus when I was a student. The bus conductor was in trouble because there were thirty-one passengers and he had money only for thirty tickets. So he was asking, "Who is the fellow who has not given his money?" Nobody would speak. He said, "This is strange; now how am I going to find out?" I said to him, "Do one thing: tell the driver to stop the bus, and tell the people that unless the person who has not given the money confesses, the bus will not move." He said, "That's right." The bus was stopped. Everybody looked at each other, now what to do? Nobody knew who the person was.... Finally one man stood up and said, "Forgive me, I am the person who has not given the money. Here it is." The bus conductor asked, "What is your name?" He said, "My name is Achchelal." Achchelal means "a good man." And I was surprised that out of thirty people, nobody laughed! When he said "Achchelal" I could not believe it -- a "good man" doing such a thing... and nobody seemed to see the humor in it. Seriousness has become almost part of our bones and blood. You will have to make some effort to get rid of seriousness, and you will have to be on the lookout -- wherever you can find something humorous happening, don't miss the opportunity. Everywhere there are people who are slipping on banana peels -- just nobody is looking at them. In fact, it is thought to be ungentlemanly. It is not, because only bananas slip on banana peels. Laughter needs a great learning, and laughter is a great medicine. It can cure many of your tensions, anxieties, worries; the whole energy can flow into laughter. And there is no need that there should be some occasion, some cause. In my meditation camps I used to have a laughing meditation: for no reason, people would sit and just start laughing. At first they would feel a little awkward that there was no reason -- but when everybody is doing it... they would also start. Soon, everybody was in such a great laughter, people were rolling on the ground. They were laughing at the very fact that so many people were laughing for no reason at all; there was nothing, not even a joke had been told. And it went on like waves. So there is no harm... even just sitting in your room, close the doors and have one hour of simple laughter. Laugh at yourself. But learn to laugh. Seriousness is a sin, and it is a disease. Laughter has tremendous beauty, a lightness. It will bring lightness to you, and it will give you wings to fly. And life is so full of opportunities. You just need the sensitivity. And create chances for other people to laugh. Laughter should be one of the most valued, cherished qualities of human beings -- because only man can laugh, no animals are capable of it. Because it is human, it must be of the highest order. To repress it is to destroy a human quality.

Osho Teachings on Celebration Osho - That's my whole teaching, celebration; not worship but celebration. When you worship, you start making a hierarchy; the lower and the higher. When you worship you put something on top of other things. When you worship, something becomes sacred and something becomes profane. When you worship you divide, you split existence. Then something is praised but in the wake of it, something is condemned too. So worship is not religious. The god of the worshipper is not the true god, because to exist it needs a devil. Without a devil the god will not be possible. The more you praise the god, the more you have to condemn the devil. Then the world is tom apart into two enemy forces, and when you divide the world, you are also divided in it, you become split and schizophrenic. A part of you becomes evil and a part of you becomes holy, and then there is constant conflict, repression, and all joy is lost. A worshipper is basically ill-at-ease; he is dis-eased. Celebration is a totally different dimension. When you celebrate, you celebrate all, you don't divide. For a celebrator, prayer is as beautiful as drinking tea. The tea is not profane and prayer is not separate; all is one. The church, the temple, the mosque and the pub are all one. Making love to a woman or a man or praying to a god is the same. Celebration does not divide. It unites, it brings things together; it creates a togetherness in the world. The duality disappears and there is unity, and with unity there is joy because there cannot be any conflict. There is no struggle, nothing has to be overcome. All is overcome in the celebration itself. The worshipper has a goal; he has to attain it. The celebrator has no goal; he has attained it already. Worship is always future-oriented; celebration is present-oriented. You celebrate this moment, you worship some other moment. You worship Christ; now two thousand years have passed. You worship the past -- Krishna, Mohammed, Rama -- or you worship the future -- heaven, god -- which is going to happen. But the celebrator worships this moment, he lives this moment. That is his worship; he lives it totally. It happened once: a Christian theologian went to see a Zen master who was a painter too. Celebrators are always creators; worshippers are non-creative. The master was painting. He was just going to do something, he was in that moment of waiting when something descends, when something takes possession. The Christian said, 'I would be very happy if you can paint Jesus Christ for me. ' The master said, 'Okay, I will paint Jesus Christ.' And he painted a bamboo! When the bamboo started coming up, the Christian was a little puzzled; had he forgotten what he had said When the painting was completed it was one of the most alive bamboos ever done. The Christian asked, 'I am sorry; the painting is beautiful, but you had promised to paint christ.' But the master said, 'This is Christ! Can't you see Christ in it? The fragileness of it is exactly the fragileness of Christ. The wind is moving it; can't you see it? It goes with the wind: thy will be done. It is exactly Christ. And it is so alive and so beautiful; it belongs to god! What more can you expect? This is Christ...this moment this is Christ; Christ has taken the shape of a bamboo. And Christ was a bamboo, a hollow bamboo. He was not there, that is his beauty. He allowed god to exist in him, he allowed god to come through him, he allowed god to have a contact with the world; he became the connection.' But the Christian could

not understand. He can only understand a jesus on the cross; how can he understand a bamboo as christ? Christians have been very much puzzled by the Zen attitude towards life, because it has no worship in it; it has celebration. A Zen master was asked, 'What is the essential secret of Buddhism? And the master said, 'The cypress tree in the courtyard,' because in that moment that was the only reality for the master. I have heard another story. A man came, a monk, not belonging to the Zen people. He wanted to be initiated by the master, a Zen master. He was asked, 'From where are you coming?' He said, 'I come from a monastery which is called "the monastery of spiritual light".' The master said, 'Spiritual light? Never heard about anything like that. Strange! I am ninety and I have never heard anything about spiritual light; what do you mean? In the day there is sunlight, in the night there is the lamplight. From where comes this spiritual light, what is this spiritual light?' The man was at a loss, he couldn't answer. Then the master answered for him. He said, 'Don't be worried. In the day, sunlight; in the night, lamplight. This is what spiritual light is; there is no other spiritual light.' This is a different vision of life -- as it is, in its suchness, and enjoying each and every moment of it. So don't just remain contented with the name celebration; become celebration! That's what sannyas is all about: it is a celebration of god, not a worship. And celebrate in your own way, because celebration cannot have any form. Worship becomes petrified into forms; celebration remains alive. And all is divine; there is nothing profane. Source: from Osho Book "The Sun Behind the Sun Behind the Sun" Question - Beloved Master, You seem to be the first Enlightened Master who tells Jokes -Why is it So? Osho - Garima, I will tell you a story. The following story in the Talmud was particularly cherished by the great Hassid master, Baal Shem. Rabbi Baruch used to visit the marketplace where the Prophet Elijah often appeared to him. It was believed that he appeared to some saintly men to offer them spiritual guidance. Once Baruch asked the prophet, "Is there anyone here who has a share in the world to come?" He replied, "No." While they were conversing, two men passed by and Elijah remarked, "These two men have a share in the world to come." Rabbi Baruch then approached and asked them, "What is your occupation?" They replied, "We are jesters. When we see men depressed we cheer them up." God loves laughter, God loves cheerful people. God is not interested in seeing you with long faces.

When Baal Shem was dying, somebody asked, "Are you prepared to meet the Lord?" He said, "I have always been ready. It is not a question of becoming ready now -- I have always been ready. Any moment he could have called me!" The man asked, "What is your readiness?" Baal Shem said, "I know a few beautiful jokes -- I will tell him those jokes. And I know he will enjoy them and he will laugh with me. And what else can I offer to him? The whole world is his, the whole universe is his, I am his, so what can I offer to him? Just a few jokes!" Baal Shem is one of the great buddhas who has come out of the Jewish tradition, one of the most loved by his disciples. He was the founder of Hassidism. And remember, I am not the first to tell you jokes. There have been many.... But people are so sad that they forget about people who have been sources of laughter and joy -- they remember only sad people. People are sad; hence they find a certain affinity with sad people. You remember only sad buddhas -- even if they were not sad, you make them sad. In your mind you fabricate stories, you manufacture ideas, and you make them look sad. Now, a Jaina will be very much offended if I say that Mahavira laughed. Laughter seems to be so mundane, so worldly. How can Mahavira laugh? If I say Buddha laughed, Buddhists, particularly the Hinayana Buddhists, will be angry. I have been in tremendous love with Buddha; I think there is no other man on the earth today who has loved Buddha as much as I. But just the other day I was reading in the newspapers: the president of the Buddhist Society of India is going to raise questions against me in the parliament in the coming session. I can understand, these people must be feeling very much offended because I am giving Buddha a new color -- HIS color, Buddha's color. I am trying to bring his reality to you. And these people have distorted his image totally; they have made him look so sad, they won't allow him to laugh. If he laughs, they will raise questions against him in the parliament. I am offending people because I am trying to live religion not according to their ideas. I tell you, privately of course, that Jesus used to joke -- but don't tell it to Christians, they will not understand. They can understand only the Jesus who was crucified. In fact, they are worshipping death, not Jesus; they are worshipping the cross, not Christ. Hence I call Christianity, Crossianity -- it has nothing to do with Christ. I know the man, I personally know the man! He used to love all the good things of life. How can he avoid joking? He loved to gossip, and they say he was only delivering gospels! He was a very very earth-rooted man. He moved with gamblers, with drunkards, with prostitutes too. He was not afraid of all these fools -that's why he had to suffer. That's why I am to suffer.... Enough for today. Osho on Laughter - laughter should become a part of Sadhana Osho :”This is worth considering. It is significant. The first thing to understand is that except for man, no animal is capable of laughter. So laughter shows a very high peak in the evolution of life. If you go out on the street and see a buffalo laughing, you will be scared to death. And if you report it, then nobody will believe that it can happen. It is impossible. Why don’t animals laugh? Why can’t trees laugh? There is a very deep cause for laughter. Only that animal can laugh which can get bored.

Animals and trees are not bored. Boredom and laughter are the polar dualities, these are the polar opposites. They go together. And man is the only animal that is bored. Boredom is the symbol of humanity. Look at dogs and cats; they are never bored. Man seems to be deep in boredom. Why aren’t other animals bored? Why does man alone suffer boredom? ”The higher the intelligence, the greater is boredom. The lower intelligence is not bored so much. That’s why primitives are happier. You will find people in the primitive societies are happier than those in civilized ones. Bertrand Russel became jealous when for the first time, he came into contact with some primitive tribes. He started feeling jealous. The aboriginals were so happy, they were not bored at all. Life was a blessing to them. They were poor starved, almost naked. In every way, theyhad noth-ing. But they were not bored with life. In Bombay, in New York, in London, everybody is bored. The higher the level of intelligence and civilization, the greater the boredom. ”So the secret can be understood. The more you can think, the more you will be bored; because through thinking you can compare time as past, future and present. Through thinking you can hope. Through thinking you can ask for the meaning of it all. And the moment a person asks: ”What is the meaning of it?” boredom enters, because there is no meaning in anything, really. If you ask the question, ”What is the meaning of it?”, you will feel meaningless. And when meaninglessness is felt, one will be bored. Animals are not bored. Trees are not bored. Rocks are not bored. They never ask what the meaning and purpose of life is. They never ask; so they never feel it is meaningless. As they are, they accept it. As life is, it is accepted. There is no boredom. Man feels bored. And laughter is the antidote. You cannot live without laughter; because you can negate your boredom only through laughter. You cannot find a single joke in primitive societies. They don’t have any jokes. Jews have the largest number of jokes. And they are the most bored people on the earth. They must be bored; because they win more Nobel Prizes than any other community. During the whole of the last century, all the great names are almost all Jews – Freud Einstein, Marx. And look at the list of Nobel Prize winners. Almost half the Nobel Prize winners are Jews. They have the largest number of jokes. ”And this may be the reason why all over the world Jews are hated. Everybody feels jealous of them. Wherever they may be, they will always win any type of competition. Everybody feels jealous of them. The whole world is united against them. It feels hateful against them. When you cannot compete with someone, hatred is the result. Jews must be feeling very bored. So they have to create jokes. Jokes are the antidote for boredom. ”Laughter is needed for you to exist. Otherwise, you will commit suicide. ”Now try to understand the mechanism of laughter and how it happens. If I tell a joke, why do you laugh? What makes you laugh. What happens? What is the inner mechanism? If I tell a joke expectation is created. You start expecting. Your mind starts searching for what the end will be. And you cannot conceive the end. ”A joke moves in two dimensions. First it moves in a logical dimension. You can conceive it. If the joke goes on logically to the very end, it will cease to be a joke; there will be no laughter. So suddenly the joke takes a turn and becomes so illogical that you cannot conceive it. And when the joke takes a turn and the result becomes illogical; then the expectation, the tension that was created in you, suddenly explodes. You relax. Laughter comes out.

”Laughter is the relaxation. But tension is first needed. A story creates expectation, suspense and tension. You start feeling the crescendo. Now the crescendo will come. Something is going to happen. Your backbone is straight like that of a yogi. You have no more thoughts in the mind. The whole being is just waiting. All the energy is moving toward the conclusion. Suddenly something happens which the mind could not think of. Something absurd happens – something illogical, irrational. The end is such that it was impossible for logic to think about it. And you explode. The whole energy that had become tense inside you suddenly gets relaxed. Laughter comes out through this relaxation. ”Man is bored. Hence he needs laughter. The more bored, the more laughter he will need. Otherwise, he cannot exist. ”Thirdly, it has to be understood that there are three types of laughter. The first is when you laugh at someone else. This is the meanest, the lowest, the most ordinary and vulgar when you laugh at the expense of somebody else. This is the violent, the aggressive, the insulting type Deep down this laughter there is always a feeling of revenge. ”The second type of laughter is when you laugh at yourself. This is worth achieving. This is cultured. And this man is valuable who can laugh at himself. He has risen above vulgarity. He has risen above lowly instincts – hatred, aggression, violence. ”And the third is the last – the highest. This is not about anybody – neither the other nor oneself. The third is just Cosmic. You laugh at the whole situation as it is. The whole situation, as it is, is absurd – no purpose in the future, no beginning in the beginning. The whole situation of Existence is such that if you can see the Whole – such a great infinite vastness moving toward no fixed purpose, no goal – laughter will arise. So much is going on without leading anywhere; nobody is there in the past to create it; nobody is there in the end to finish it. Such is whole Cosmos – moving so beautifully, so systematically, so rationally. If you can see this whole Cosmos, then a laughter is inevitable. ”I have heard about three monks. No names are mentioned, because they never disclosed their names to anybody. They never answered anything. In China, they are simply known as the three laughing monks. And they did only one thing: they would enter a village, stand in the market place and start laughing. They would laugh with their whole being and suddenly people would become aware. Then others would also get the infection and a crowd would gather. The whole crowd would start laughing just because of them. What was happening? The whole town would get involved. Then they would move to another town. ”They were loved very much. That was their only sermon, their only message; that laugh. And they would not teach; they would simply create a situation. ”Then it happened that they became famous all over the country. Three laughing monks. All of China loved them, respected them. Nobody had ever preached in such a way that life must be just a laughter and nothing else. They were not laughing at anyone in particular. They were simply laughing as if they had understood the Cosmic joke. And they spread so much joy all over China without using a single word. People would ask for their names, but they would simply laugh. So that became their name – the three laughing monks. ”Then they grew old. And while staying in one village. one of the three monks died. The whole village became very much expectant because they thought that when one of them had died, the other two would surely weep. This must be worth seeing because no one had

ever seen these people weeping. The whole village gathered. But the two monks were standing beside the corpse of the third and laughing – such a belly laugh. So the villagers asked them to explain this. ”So for the first time, the two monks spoke and said, ’We are laughing because this man has won. We were always wondering as to who would die first and this man has defeated us. We are laughing at our defeat and his victory. Also he lived with us for many years and we laughed together and we enjoyed each other’s togetherness, presence. There can be no better way of giving him the last send off. We can only laugh. ”But the whole village was sad. And when the dead monk’s body was put on the funeral pyre, then the village realized that the remaining two monks were not the only ones who were joking, the third who was dead was also laughing. He had asked his companions not to change his clothes. It was conventional that when a man died they changed his dress and gave a bath to the body. So the third monk had said, ’Don’t give me a bath because I have never been unclean. So much laughter has been in my life that no impurity can accumulate, can come to me. I have not gathered any dust. Laughter is always young and fresh. So don’t give me a bath and don’t change my clothes.’ ”So just to respect his wishes, they did not change his clothes. And when the body was put to fire, suddenly they became aware that he had hidden some Chinese fire-works under his clothes and they had started going off. So the whole village laughed and the other two monks said: ’You rascal, you are dead, but you have defeated us once again. Your laughter is the last.’ ”There is a Cosmic laughter which comes into being when the whole joke of this Cosmos is understood. That is of the highest. And only a Buddha can laugh like that. These three monks must have been three Buddhas. But if you can laugh the second type of laughter, that is also worth trying. Avoid the first. Don’t laugh at anyone’s expense. That is ugly and violent. If you want to laugh, then laugh at yourself. ”That’s why Mulla Nasruddin, in all his jokes and stories, always proves himself the stupid one, never anybody else.He always laughs at himself and allows you to laugh at him. He never puts anybody else in the situation of being foolish. Sufis say that Mulla Nasrudin is the wise fool. Learn at least that much – the second laughter. ”If you can learn the second, then the third will not be far ahead. Soon you will reach the third. But leave the first type. That laughter is degrading. But almost ninety-nine percent of your laughter is of the first type. Much courage is needed to laugh at oneself. Much confidence is needed to laugh at oneself. ”For the spiritual seeker, even laughter should become a part of Sadhana. Remember to avoid the first type of laughter. Remember to laugh the second. And remember to reach the third.” Osho on Sufi Mystic Mulla Nasruddin Enlightenment Question : Beloved Osho, Did Mulla Nasruddin become enlightened? Osho : He must have -- because if he is not enlightened then nobody can be. Mulla Nasruddin is a Sufi figure, one of the oldest figures of Sufi anecdotes, and he shows whatsoever I have been saying here: that the world is a cosmic joke -- he represents that. He is a very serious joker, and if you can penetrate him and understand him, then many

mysteries will be revealed to you. Mulla Nasruddin illustrates that the world is not a tragedy but a comedy. And the world is a place where if you can learn how to laugh you have learned everything. If your prayer cannot become a deep laughter which comes from all over your being, if your prayer is sad and if you cannot joke with your god, then you are not really religious. Christians, Jews and Mohammedans are very serious about their god; Hindus are not, they have joked a lot. And that shows how much they believe -- because when you cannot joke with your god you don't believe in him. You feel that through your humor, your joke, he will be insulted. Your belief is shallow, it is not deep enough. Hindus say that the trust is so much that they can laugh; the trust is so much that just by laughing it cannot be broken.One Buddhist, Bodhidharma, one of the greatest followers of Buddha, used to say to his disciples, "Whenever you take the name of Buddha immediately rinse out your mouth, because this name is dangerous and it makes the mouth impure." Another Buddhist monk, Bokuju, used to tell his disciples, "While meditating, if this fellow Gautam Buddha comes in kill him immediately, because once you allow him then he will cling to you and it will be difficult to be alone." And they were great followers, they loved Buddha -- but they could laugh. Why? The love was so intimate, so close, that there was no danger that something might be taken wrongly. But Christians have always been afraid, so immediately anything becomes blasphemy -- anything. They cannot take anything humorously, and if you cannot take anything humorously, if you cannot laugh at yourself, at your god, then you are ill, you are not at home, and your god is something to be feared. In English we have a word, God-fearing, for religious people. A God-fearing person can never be religious, because if you fear God you cannot love him. Love and fear cannot exist together. With fear, hate can exist, love cannot; with fear, anger can exist, love cannot; with fear you can bow down but you cannot surrender; with fear there can be a relationship between a slave and a master but there cannot be a love relationship. Hindus, Buddhists have a totally different attitude, and that attitude is different because they think the whole existence is a cosmic play, you can be playful. Sufis are very playful; they created Mulla Nasruddin. And Mulla Nasruddin is an alive figure, you can go on adding to him -- I go on adding. If some day he meets me there is bound to be difficulty, because I go on creating around him. To me he is a constantly alive figure, in many ways symbolic -- symbolic of human stupidity. But he knows it and he laughs at it, and whenever he behaves like a stupid man he is just joking at you, at human beings at large. And he is subtle enough. He will not hit you directly, he hits himself; but if you can penetrate him then you can look at the reality. And sometimes even great scriptures cannot go as deep as a joke can go, because the joke directly touches the heart. A scripture goes into the head, into the intellect; a joke directly touches the heart. Immediately something explodes within you and becomes your smile and your laughter. Nasruddin must have attained enlightenment, or he is already an enlightened figure, there is no need to attain. I go on using him just to give you a feeling that to me religion is not serious. So I go on mixing Mulla Nasruddin with Mahavira -- which is impossible, poles

apart. I go on mixing Mulla Nasruddin with the Upanishads, because he gives a sweetness to the whole serious thing. And nothing is serious, nothing should be serious. To me, to laugh wholeheartedly is the greatest celebration that can happen to a man -- to laugh wholeheartedly, to become the laughter. Then no meditation is needed, it is enough. I will take one or two anecdotes from Nasruddin. Once it happened that Nasruddin and his friend Sheikh Abdullah lost their way in a forest. They tried and tried to find their way but then evening came, the night was descending, so they had to wait for the whole night under a tree. It was dangerous ground, there were many wild animals, and they had to keep awake because any moment they could be killed. They tried every way to keep awake, but Mulla was tired, yawning, feeling sleepy, so he said to Sheikh Abdullah, "Invent something, because I am feeling sleepy and it seems impossible now to stay awake. The whole day we were traveling, and I am tired." Sheikh Abdullah asked, "What should I do?" Nasruddin said, "We should play a game, a game of guessing. You describe a film actress -just become the film actress and describe -- and I will guess who this film actress is. Then I will do the same and you guess." Even Abdullah became interested, it seemed to be a good game. So Abdullah said, "Okay." He contemplated and then he said, "My eyes are like Noor Jahan, my nose is like Cleopatra, my lips like Marilyn Monroe," and so on and so forth. Mulla Nasruddin became very excited, his blood pressure rose high. Even in the dark you could have seen his eyes, they became so fiery. And then when Sheikh Abdullah said, "Now the measurements of my body -- thirty-six, twenty-four, thirty-six." Nasruddin jumped over to Sheikh Abdullah. Sheikh Abdullah said, "Wait, guess!" Nasruddin said, "Who is bothered about guessing? I don't care who you are. Quick! Kiss me!" The human mind is such -- imagination, desire, passion, projection. You project, you imagine, and then you become the victim. And this is not a joke, this is reality -- and this is about you. Enough for today. Osho Quotes on "Life is a Cosmic Joke" 1: When laughter comes out of silence you are not laughing at anybody's cost, you are simply laughing at the whole cosmic joke. And it really is a joke! That's why I go on telling jokes to you... because jokes carry more than any scriptures. It is a joke because inside you you have everything, and you are searching everywhere. What else should a joke be? You are a king and acting like a beggar in the streets; not only acting, not only deceiving others, but deceiving yourself that you are a beggar. You have the source of all knowledge and are asking questions; you have the knowing self and think that you are ignorant; you have the deathless within you and are afraid and fearful of death and disease. 2: When one becomes enlightened, laughter is almost a natural by-product; spontaneously it comes -- for the simple reason that we have been searching and searching for lives for something which was already there inside. Our whole effort was ridiculous! Our whole effort was absurd. One laughs at the great cosmic joke. One laughs at the sense of humor that God must have or the existence: that we have it with us already and we are searching for it.

One laughs at one's own ridiculous efforts, long long journeys, pilgrimages, for something which was never lost in the first place. 3: My own understanding is that there is nothing more valuable than laughter. Laughter brings you closest to prayer. In fact only laughter is left in you when you are total. In everything else you remain partial, even in lovemaking you remain partial. But when you have a really heartfelt belly laugh, all the parts of your being -- the physiological, the psychological, the spiritual -- they all vibrate in one single tune, they all vibrate in harmony. Hence, laughter relaxes. And relaxation is spiritual. Laughter brings you to the earth, brings you down from your stupid ideas of being holier-than-thou. Laughter brings you to reality as it is. The world is a play of God, a cosmic joke. And unless you understand it as a cosmic joke you will never be able to understand the ultimate mystery. I am all for jokes, I am all for laughter. 4: Everybody takes himself and others seriously. That's the way of the ego to exist. Start being a little more playful and you will see ego evaporating. Take life non seriously, as a joke -- yes, as a cosmic joke. Laugh a little more. Laughter is far more significant than prayer. Prayer may not destroy your ego; on the contrary, it may make it holy, pious, but laughter certainly destroys your ego. When you are really in a state of laughter, have you observed? -- the ego disappears for a moment. You are again a child, giggling. Again you have forgotten that you are special. You are no longer serious; for a moment you have removed your fixation. That's why I love jokes -- they are poison to your ego! You would like me to talk about serious things: astral planes and how many bodies men have, seven or nine, and how many chakras. And every day there are questions -- esoteric, occult. These are the serious people. They have fallen in a wrong company! I am not serious at all. I don't laugh with you because that is part of telling a joke: the person who tells it has to be very serious, he cannot laugh with you. All my laughter I have to do alone. But my approach towards life is utterly nonserious, playful, because in my experience this is how the ego disappears. Watch when you laugh: where is the ego? Suddenly you have melted, suddenly you are liquid, no more solid, but flowing. You are not old, experienced, knowledgeable. Listen to this joke and try to find out whether the ego remains or not. 5: If you look around, if you are watchful enough, then you are bound to stumble again into something so beautiful and so ridiculous. The very idea of creating the world and creating you all is such a cosmic joke! God must have a sense of humor. 6: All buddhas have laughed when they awaken. Their laughter is like a lion's roar. They laugh, not at you, they laugh at the whole cosmic joke. They lived in a dream, in a sleep, intoxicated completely by desire, and through desire they looked at the existence. Then it was not the real existence, they projected their own sleep on it. You are taking the whole existence as a screen, and then you project your own mind on it and you see things which are not there, and you don't see things which are there. And the mind has explanations for everything. If you raise a doubt, the mind explains. It creates theories, philosophies, systems, just to feel comfortable, that nothing is wrong. All philosophies exist to make life convenient, so that everything looks okay, nothing is wrong - but everything is wrong while you are asleep. 7: Nobody lives, nobody dies. Nothingness lives, nothingness dies. You are not. Have a good laugh at this situation. You are not and you exist. You are not and you are. This is the

cosmic joke. 8. It happened: when Rinzai became enlightened he asked for a cup of tea. His disciples said, "This seems to be profane." And he said, "The whole thing was foolishness: the seeking, the seeker, the sought. The whole thing was foolishness. You just give me a cup of tea! None existed. The seeker was false, the sought was false, so of course the seeking was false. It was a cosmic joke." That's why I say there is no purpose -- God is joking with you. The moment you can understand the joke you are enlightened. Then the whole thing becomes a play, even the experience disappears. 9. When I was saying last night that life is a game, a play, and God is playing this whole cosmic joke, one friend immediately wrote a letter saying that it cannot be conceived that Jesus being crucified is just God's play. The crucifixion of Jesus cannot be conceived of as just God's play, it must have some purpose. The question is not whether any particular thing has some purpose or not, the question is whether the whole has a purpose or not. You are here. You had a purpose in coming here, that I know; without purpose you would not be here. Jesus may have had a purpose, or you may think that he had a purpose. Christians may think that he had a purpose -- salvation was the purpose, to liberate humanity from the sin that Adam committed was the purpose. But this is your thinking. If Jesus is enlightened he cannot have any purpose, because purpose belongs to ignorance. He can only be in a play. And if he also thinks that whatsoever he is doing is very serious, purposive, then he belongs to the same business mind as you. And the whole, the cosmos, cannot have any purpose, because purpose means something outside. There is nothing outside the whole. And whenever we think that God must have some purpose we are talking in deep absurdities, because if God has any purpose, he is omnipotent so he can do it immediately. Why waste so much time? If he has only this purpose -- that man should reach heaven -- he can simply order, "Go to heaven!"... because when he can say, "Let there be light," and there is light; when he can say, "Let there be the world," and the world is there, then why can't he say, "Let there be only heaven," so that everybody is in heaven? Then why this whole nonsense of Adam committing sin, then Jesus helping people? Why this nonsense? Purpose is absurd in terms of the total. Purpose may exist for individual egos because egos cannot exist without purpose, but for the cosmic there is no ego. It cannot be anything else than a cosmic play. Even Jesus' crucifixion is a play. That's why Jesus can go to the crucifixion so easily, not disturbed, as if it is just a drama, as if he is just acting a role. The man of knowledge is just an actor enacting a role. What is going to be the result is not his concern. Whatsoever the result, everything is good. There is neither good nor bad, there is neither in nor out, there is neither beginning nor end -- but this happens only when you have disappeared. 10. You see a person and you smile. You smile for him. One should smile only for oneself. If others share, good. If nobody shares, good. But one should smile of one's own accord. One should not laugh to make somebody else happy, because if you are not happy, you cannot make anybody happy. Even if you are happy, it is very difficult to make somebody else happy because it depends on that somebody else as to whether he will accept it or not. One should simply laugh of one's own accord, and one should not wait for reasons to laugh. That too is absurd. Why wait for reasons? Life as it is should be enough of a reason to laugh. It is so absurd, it is so ridiculous. It is so beautiful... it is so wonderful. It is all sorts of things together. It is a great cosmic joke.

Question: Beloved Master,To become Enlightened, do you need to be Jewish or does it just help? Osho: Amitabh, Religion has been missing one very fundamental quality: the sense of humor. It has been very unfortunate because it has made religion sick. The sense of humor is part, an essential part, of the wholeness of man. It keeps him healthy, it keeps him young, it keeps him fresh. And for centuries the sad people have dominated religion. They have expelled laughter -- from the churches, from the mosques, from the temples. The day laughter enters back into the holy places they will be really holy, because they will be whole. Laughter is the only quality that distinguishes man from other animals. Only man can see the ridiculous, the absurd. Only he has the capacity and the consciousness to be aware of the cosmic joke that existence is. It is a cosmic joke; it is not a serious affair. Seriousness is a disease, but seriousness has been praised, respected, honored. It was absolutely essential to be serious to be a saint; hence only pathological people became interested in religion, people who were incapable of laughter. And people who are incapable of laughter are subhuman, they are not human yet -- what to say about their being divine? That is impossible -- they have not yet become human. And to be human is the bridge between the animal and the divine. Hence I have tremendous respect for the sense of humor, for laughter. Laughter is far more sacred than prayer, because prayer can be done by any stupid person; it does not require much intelligence. Laughter requires intelligence, it requires presence of mind, a quickness of seeing into things. A joke cannot be explained: either you understand it or you miss it. If it is explained it loses the whole point; hence no joke can be explained. Either immediately you get it.... If you don't get it immediately then you can try to find out the meaning of it; you will find out the meaning, but the joke will not be there. It was in the immediacy. Humor needs presence, utter presence. It is not a question of analysis, it is a question of insight. Amitabh, as far as humor is concerned, to be a little bit Jewish is very good -- everybody should be a little bit Jewish! For enlightenment it will prepare the ground, it will make you more alive. Enlightenment is becoming totally alive. Laughter brings life to you. And if you can laugh totally there are a few more things to be understood. In deep laughter the ego disappears, it is not found at all. You can't have both laughter and the ego. If the ego is there it will keep you serious. All egoists are serious people, and all serious people are egoists. To be able to laugh, you need to be like a child -- egoless. And when you laugh, suddenly laughter is there, you are not. You come back when the laughter is gone. When the laughter is disappearing far away, when it is subsiding, you come back, the ego comes back. But in the very moment of laughter you have a glimpse of egolessness. There are only two activities in which you can feel egolessness easily. One is laughter, another is dancing.

Dancing is a physiological method, a bodily method to feel egolessness. When the dancer is lost in his dance he is no more -- there is only dance. Laughter is a little more subtle than dance, it is a little more inner, but it has also the same fragrance. When you laugh.... It has to be a belly laughter. It should not be just superficial, it should not be just polite, it should not be just a mannerism. I have heard: One typist was leaving her job. This was her last day in the office, and the boss was telling the old jokes that he had always been telling. Everybody was laughing, except the typist. The boss asked, "What is the matter with you? Can't you get the jokes?" She said, "I got them long ago. You've been repeating them a thousand and one times, but I need not laugh anymore. Anyway tomorrow I am leaving. These fools are laughing because they have to laugh -- you are the boss. So whether the joke is worth laughing at or not doesn't matter. They have to laugh, it is part of their duty. But I'm leaving, what can you do to me? I'm not laughing, you cannot make me laugh at all those rotten jokes." If you laugh out of duty or out of a sense of mannerism, out of politeness, then it is not a belly laughter, then it is just superficial; on the circumference, you are managing it. You will not understand what I am saying about laughter then. Laugh so that your whole body, your whole being becomes involved, and suddenly there will be a glimpse. For the moment the past disappears, the future disappears, the ego disappears, everything disappears -- there is only laughter. And in that moment of laughter you will be able to see the whole existence laughing. Indians don't have the sense of laughter. In India we don't have any Indian jokes. All the jokes that are told in India are borrowed, there is no such thing as an Indian joke. Indians are serious people, very religious people, holy people. How can they descend to such low things as joking? They talk about God, they talk about moksha, they talk about nirvana... they can't laugh. These are not laughing matters! You cannot laugh about God. But if you can't laugh about God you will never understand God. The Indian statues of Buddha are totally different from the Chinese or the Japanese statues of Buddha. You must have noted the difference; the difference is great. The Indian Buddha has a very athletic body. His belly is very small, almost nonexistent. He never had a belly laugh. If there is no belly how can you have a belly laugh? But the Chinese Buddha has a big belly, and not only a belly -- even on the statue you can see ripples of laughter on the belly. Even in marble you can see he is laughing, the belly is laughing. No Indian will agree with the Chinese statue. He will say, "This is not right, Buddha was not like this, with such a big belly...." The Chinese Buddha looks like a clown -- but I have great respect for the Chinese Buddha. The Chinese Buddha has absorbed Lao Tzu, Chuang Tzu, Lieh Tzu. He is pregnant with Lao Tzu, that's why that big belly. Inside his belly there is Lao Tzu. And you cannot keep Lao Tzu quiet. He must be laughing and kicking and doing things; hence the ripples on the belly. Lao Tzu has the sense of humor. Maybe because of that Lao Tzu could not become the founder of a great religion. There exists no religion in his name. Yes, a few rare people have followed his path, but there is no organized church, for the simple reason that Lao Tzu seems so nonserious. He used to ride on a buffalo. Now, can't you find a horse? Anybody could have afforded at least a donkey -- but a buffalo...? And that too, not in the right position, but sitting backwards! The buffalo is going one way and Lao Tzu is looking the

other way. He must have created laughter wherever he passed. People must have gathered to see the scene, what is happening. And Chuang Tzu far surpassed his master. There has never been such a beautiful man as Chuang Tzu. All that he has said is utterly absurd, ridiculous! -- but with profound meaning. First you will laugh and then slowly you will see the point that he is indicating, in a very joyful way, towards certain truths which can only be indicated in a joyful way. If you are serious you cannot make people understand the beauty of existence, the celebration of existence. Life is not a tragedy, it is a comedy. It is not tragic. But religious people have depended on the very idea of life being tragic: it is misery, utter misery -- what is there to laugh at? Hence they attracted the people who are incapable of laughter, of living, of loving. My effort here, Amitabh, is just the opposite. I want you to learn as much from Buddha, as much from Lao Tzu, as much from Krishna, as much from Chuang Tzu as possible. I would like you to absorb all the great experiences that have happened in the past, so that a higher synthesis becomes possible. In that higher synthesis laughter is going to be one of the most essential qualities. With truth, courage and virtue, laughter also has its own place. In that sense Jews are beautiful people. They have the greatest sense of laughter in the whole world. They are on the one extreme; on the other extreme are the British people. So many letters I have received, angry: "Beloved Master, you don't understand the British." Who cares to understand? And why should I understand the British, for what? Is nothing else left to understand? I have been telling so many jokes about the Italians, but not a single angry letter. They understand that jokes are jokes! If you understand too much you cannot joke. A little bit of misunderstanding is needed. Now, one of the most British of all the British sannyasins, Prembodhi, has written, "You don't understand the British at all." You simply prove my point! Somebody else has written, "This is not right. You say that no British woman is a woman; they are all ladies." I was simply paying respect! And I think it is a well-known fact that nothing should be said against the dead. For the dead you should always show respect. That's what I was doing! Why are you angry about it? I repeat again: it is very difficult, almost impossible, to find a British woman -- only ladies are there. All men may not be gentlemen; men after all are men, boys are boys! And old boys more so! But as far as women are concerned, they carry the culture, the religion, they are the foundation stones. The British woman has a certain face. No other woman has that kind of nose... they all need plastic surgery! Amitabh, the only problem with the Jews is when it comes to the question of price. Then they will go on haggling for centuries. Enlightenment will be just in front of them, but they will haggle for the price. So that is the problem, Amitabh; there you have to be aware. A Scot went into a tailor's and asked to see a suit. The Jewish proprietor came back with a nice Harris tweed. "Look at this," he said, "and it's not fifty pounds, not even forty. Thirty pounds and it's yours." The Scot examined it carefully. "I wouldn't give you twenty-five pounds for it, not even twenty. My price is eighteen pounds." "Right," said the Jew. "That's the way I like to do business -- no haggling."

Then there were the two Jews who bumped into each other after forty years, and rushed to the nearest pub to celebrate. "It will be magic to have a drink together after all these years," said one. "Yeah," said the other, "but don't forget, it's your round." The rich widow needed a blood transfusion, so a Jew donor saved her life. She was so grateful, she gave him a hundred pounds, but after a relapse she needed another one and this time gave the donor fifty pounds. The third time he saved her life she had so much Jewish blood in her that she just thanked him very much. Osho on Zen Master Hotei - Laughing Buddha Osho - In Japan, a great mystic, Hotei, is called the laughing Buddha. He is one of the most loved mystics in Japan, and he never uttered a single word. As he became enlightened, he started laughing, and whenever somebody would ask, Why are you laughing? he would laugh more. And he would move from village to village, laughing. A crowd will gather and he will laugh. And slowly -- his laughter was very infectious -somebody in the crowd will start laughing, then somebody else, and then the whole crowd is laughing -- laughing because.... Why are they laughing? Everybody knows, "It is ridiculous; this man is strange, but why are we laughing?" But everybody was laughing; and everybody was a little worried, "What will people think? There is no reason to laugh." But people would wait for Hotei, because they had never laughed in their whole life with such totality, with such intensity that after the laughter they found their every sense had become more clear. Their eyes could see better, their whole being had become light, as if a great burden had disappeared. People would ask Hotei, "Come back again," and he would move, laughing, to another village. His whole life, for near about forty-five years after his enlightenment, he did only one thing and that was laughing. That was his message, his gospel, his scripture. And it is to be noted that in Japan, nobody has been remembered with such respect as Hotei. You will find in every house, statues of Hotei. And he had done nothing except laugh; but the laughter was coming from such depth that it stayed with anyone who heard it and triggered his being, created a synchronicity. Hotei is unique. In the whole world there is no other human being who has made so many people laugh -- for no reason at all. And yet, everybody was nourished by the laughter, and everybody was cleansed by the laughter, felt a well-being that he had never felt. Something from the unknowable depth started ringing bells in peoples' hearts. Kavisho, if you can go without looking back at all, passing through the unknown into the unknowable, where everything will be lost -- questions, answers, me and you -- all that remains is pure existence, infinite and eternal. And I am saying it because it is possible. You have come a long way with me. Thousands of people have come with me, and somebody drops out after a mile, somebody drops out after the second mile; I don't complain about them, I just feel sorry for them. They were not courageous enough. There came a point where they stopped. But you have been like many of my sannyasins -- going without any fear, risking everything. There is every possibility that you will be one of those very few fortunate ones

who attain to the ultimate truth. Before you come to the laughter of Hotei, start laughing more and more deeply, more and more madly. This joke is just for you, Kavisho: A young couple have been trying for ages to have a baby, but with no success. Finally they decided to go to the doctor with the problem. After a detailed interview he suggests that maybe they should not make love every day, to avoid love becoming a routine. They should make love only spontaneously. Not as if they have to do it, but only when they are possessed by it. "You have to find the right, spontaneous moment," the doctor says, "when you feel the moment is right, do it." A few months later, sure enough, the woman is back and the doctor confirms her pregnancy. "May I enquire if my advice was of any help?" "Oh, doc," she says, "it was terrific. We were having a romantic candlelight dinner with french wine and soft music, and suddenly our hands met. We were looking deep into each others eyes and we both knew, `this is it!' We simply threw off the tablecloth and made love right on the table." "Amazing," says the doctor. "Yes, it was great," she says, "the only sad thing about it is, that we can never go to that restaurant again."