One Date Prime [PDF]

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© 2017 Girls Chase Inc. All rights reserved.

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This handbook reviews everything in One Date and puts it all in one easyto-skim place. Included in this book are key points and examples from the videos covering all core concepts, mindsets, and tactics, as well as the homework from each lesson. 3

You don’t have to read this book front-to-back. Though you can if your aim is the firmest grip on the material possible. You may also use this book for review, or to brush up on the material any time you prefer text to video. 4

Chase Amante ranks among the best known dating experts in the world. His website, GirlsChase.com, is the highest traffic men’s dating advice site on the Internet. Each month, it receives over 1.2 million visitors. Chase has personally worked with tens of thousands of students over the past 10 years. Chase’s advice centers on scientifically sound principles that work in the field with live women. He focuses on natural, intuitive process that are simple to use and practical. Concepts he has named and developed include: •  •  •  •  •  • 

The Deep Dive Chase Framing Pre-Opening The Law of Least Effort The SAC Model The One Date Method

One Date and The Dating Artisan contain Chase’s complete method for meeting and dating women. The two together combine 1092 scientific references on dating. 5

Attraction is a draw toward someone. It is a desire to be with someone, to know that person. Perhaps to touch or be intimate with that person. The following factors determine your attractiveness to women: 1. 

Fundamentals: your hair, face, physique, height, fashion, movement, composure, expressions, and more.

2. 

Game: your conversational ability, social maneuvering, social savvy, logistics handling, leadership, tactics, and the like.

3. 

Environment: your own mate value vs. that of the other men around you. How well-liked you are socially. Whether she sees other attractive women with you. And other factors in the environment that compete for her attention (like loud noises or dramatic spectacles).

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If three women like a man, does that mean three other women will too? Not necessarily. There are many things you can do that raise your attractiveness in general. Yet just because one woman likes a man doesn’t mean another will. Women have different tastes, preferences, and respond to different things. Further, you may do great with one girl, and muck it up with the next. Even identical women can come away with very different opinions of you. Lesson 1

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Yet, the more you improve your game and fundamentals, the more you will increase your percentages with women... and find that more women are attracted more strongly to you, more of the time.* Lesson 1

* Renninger, Wade, & Grammar, 2004

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Think of your fundamentals as “passive value.” This includes gestures, posture, body movement, eye contact, etc.* As you improve your fundamentals, you improve your overall resting value and attractiveness to women. When we talk about value, we will usually talk about fundamentals. There are other non-fundamental forms of value, like social connections or the ability to help someone find work. But when we talk about “value” and attraction, we’ll usually mean fundamentals.

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* Hugill, Fink, & Neave, 2010

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Here are just some of your fundamentals: •  •  •  •  •  •  • 

Your hairstyle Your facial hair Your eye contact Your face shape Facial expressions Body language Your mannerisms

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•  •  •  •  •  •  • 

Your physique Your fashion Your walk Your movement Your voice Your posture Your social power 11

It’s important to realize that almost everything involved in your “looks” is improvable. You can’t change height, facial structure, or skin color. But everything else is almost infinitely adjustable. Better still, all the stuff you can adjust counts for a LOT when it comes to not just looks, but how “put together” you look and feel to women. This feeling is ultimately a bigger part of how valuable you seem than base physical features are. Women are more attracted to commanding men than they are to pretty boys. Lesson 1

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The idea that you can “talk your way into her pants” if you say the right things is intoxicating... but often misleading. At higher levels of ability, you can use the spoken word in almost hypnotic fashion. But the men who do this all possess tight fundamentals and exceptional game. You must handle those aspects first before you look for words to have major seductive impact on women. The more attractive you make yourself, the easier it gets to persuade.*

People date others who are similarly attractive to them.* This is yet another reason why fundamentals are so essential. Poor vs. great fundamentals is the difference between dating a 5 and dating a 9 on a 10-point scale. The better your fundamentals are, the more easily you “unlock” more attractive women. Lesson 1

* Kalick & Hamilton, 1986

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Different fundamentals (like voice, appearance, how you walk*, etc.) say different things about aspects of you women care about, like your personality, emotions, and health.† This is one very important reason to round out all your fundamentals. Each fundamental sends different messages about not just what you look and sound like, but who you are. Lesson 1

* Montepare, Goldstein, & Clausen, 1987 | † Kramer, Gottwald, Dixon, & Ward, 2012

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The four (4) fundamental categories are: 1.  2.  3.  4. 

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Body fundamentals Vocal fundamentals Social fundamentals Fashion fundamentals

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Body fundamentals can be roughly ranked in this order: 1.  2.  3.  4.  5.  6.  7.  8.  9.  10.  11.  12. 

Eye contact: dominant, sexy, confident Movement speed: slow and deliberate Touch: confident touching others Posture: straight back, squared shoulders Attention: focused and intense when engaged Facial expressions: most importantly, smile Body weight: not terribly overweight Mannerisms: attractive mannerisms, no tics Physique: either muscular, or lean Facial hair: attractive, sexy facial hair Hair: an attractive hairstyle and good hair length Walk: gunslinger walk or male model walk

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Some easy adjustments to make: •  Practice making and maintaining eye contact with others

•  Start touching others more often (don’t look at your hand as you touch)

•  Practice moving more slowly and deliberately

•  Keep your posture excellent at all times

•  Get used to smiling at “hello”; use both warm and sexy smiles

•  Focus intently on others when speaking or listening to them

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Chief characteristics of good posture: 1.  2.  3.  4.  5. 

A straight back Squared shoulders Chin held parallel to ground Feet pointing in same direction Both feet shoulder-width apart

Posture is a signal of attractive, successful males* (and women treat it as such). Good posture also increases men’s self-confidence, and makes good feedback feel better.† Lesson 1

* Weisfeld & Beresford, 1982 | † Riskind & Gotay, 1982; Roberts, & Arefi-Afshar, 2007

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Having expansive posture that takes up space makes you appear significantly more powerful* and attractive†. It also makes others move toward and align themselves with your views and opinions.‡ Don’t bunch yourself up, huddle close, or scrunch your shoulders. Don’t do anything that makes you look small, scared, or insignificant (it’s unattractive).§ Women are attracted to men who appear powerful. So, take up space – and look powerful. Lesson 1

* Henley, 1977; Alcock, 1993 | † Vacharkulksemsuk, et al., 2016 ‡ McGinley, LeFevre, & McGinley, 1975 | § Goffman, 1961; Archer & Burleson, 1980; Schlenker, 1980

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Hand gestures display social power. The more you use them, the better. And the more expressive they are, the better.* One specific way to use gestures is to place your hands palms up. The display of your palms shows agreeableness and openness.†

Speakers who use open body movements and don’t “cross off” their torsos with arms or legs come across more potent, active, and persuasive.* Slow movement in general looks more deliberate; the man who uses it shows himself in conscious control.† Remember to use firm gestures, too. Men “encode” risk-taking behavior in their body motions.‡ She can tell how much (or not) of a risk-taker you are simply by watching you move. You will in particular want to train out nervous tics. Tics are a habit, like anything else, and can be unlearned. However, while you have them, they serve as a sign of high social anxiety or low social power§... And cost you respect from guys and attraction from gals.

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* Mehrabian, 1972 | † Caruso, Burns, & Converse, 2016 | ‡ Oberzaucher & Grammer, 2008 § Castles, Whiten, & Aureli, 1999

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People can tell from your walk alone how you think of yourself and what your personality is likely like.* People with youthful walks seem more powerful and happier than those with older walks, regardless of actual ages.† Walks are so characteristic that people who know you can spot you from afar by seeing your walk.‡ The two walks I suggest you adopt are either: 1.  The Gunslinger Walk, or 2.  The Male Model Walk You can see examples of either walk on any video streaming service (like YouTube). Type in “gunslinger” or “male model” and watch how these men walk. Lesson 1

* Satchell, Morris, Millis, O’Reilly, Marshman, & Akehurst, 2016 | † Montepare & ZebrowitzMcArthur, 1998 | ‡ Stevenage, Nixon, & Vince, 1999

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Teeth have a noticeable impact on attractiveness.* If your teeth are yellow, crooked, gapped, or if any are missing, your attractiveness goes down. This isn’t a total deal breaker. There are Hollywood mega stars with crooked, yellowed teeth. But it is something to pay some attention to. You can straighten teeth with braces. And you can whiten them with home bleaching kits or laser bleaching at the dentist. Caps/crowns are another option, if your teeth have uneven shapes and you want to improve their appearance. I wouldn’t obsess over teeth too much. Yet, it’s there if you need the edge. Lesson 1

* Hillson, 1996; Kershaw, Newton, & Williams, 2008; Symons, 1995

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Eye contact is one of the most crucial fundamentals to get down right away. Better eye contact makes you seem more attentive* and more intelligent†. It makes women more likely to choose you over other males.‡ Your eye contact establishes you as confident, dominant§, and interested in her – if your eye contact is good. Lesson 1

* Norton & Pettegrew, 1979 | † Wheeler, Baron, Michell, & Ginsburg, 1979 | ‡ Stass & Willis, 1967 | § Fromme & Beam, 1974; Strongman & Champness, 1968

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Up: dismissive break

Side: neutral break Lesson 1

Down: submissive break 26

The only time a man should ever look down while making eye contact with a woman: If you are clearly dominant and sexy, and want to flirt with her by acting shy. This may get more women to come closer to you and act more open to you. But you will still usually need to be the one to say “hi.” In most scenarios, it’s crucial you maintain eye contact. Held eye contact communicates confidence and social experience*, both highly attractive to women. Lesson 1

* Libby, 1970

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Your voice is in its own separate class of fundamental, distinct from body fundamentals. Voice is one of the most important fundamentals you have. It tells women as much about your attractiveness as your face.*

Some techniques for enhancing your voice: •  Speak from the bottom of •  Clearly annunciate your your chest to be more words: hit consonants resonant hard •  Make your vocal chords vibrate more as you talk to add a sexual “purr”

•  For crisp speech, focus on pronouncing every letter in a word

•  Raise the back of your tongue off your hyoid

•  Speak slowly and do not rush your words out

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Social fundamentals are linked to your understanding and use of the Law of Least Effort. The Law of Least Effort states that how socially powerful a man seems comes down to his amount of visible effort divided by his amount of visible results. Humans are born optimizers.* Achieving optimal social results is attractive. A man who seems to exert a lot of effort but gets small outcomes looks socially ineffective. Whereas a man who seems to do things almost effortlessly, yet reaps large returns, appears powerful. Keep in mind we are talking about the appearance of effort and results. You may work quite hard for your results, but if it looks effortless, you seem mighty. Lesson 1

* Ruvolo, Messinger, & Movellan, 2015

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To reach the point where you are socially powerful, you have to try various things socially and have them fall flat. Trial, failure, and repetition is the only way to learn effective social skills. Many men who “get” the Law of Least Effort do nothing, because they don’t want to fail and looking “tryhard” or “uncool” from lots of effort but little result. Yet the man who takes no action is a black box; he does nothing, but gets nothing, too. Remember this: the man who tries a lot and fails a lot does better in dating than the man who does nothing. Even if he fails a lot, he still succeeds sometimes. The man who takes no action never even takes the first step toward success... And knows no success as a result. Don’t hide behind the LLE. It is not an excuse for inaction. Lesson 1

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Don’t worry if you aren’t a social expert yet. Some researchers believe social competition is so complex that it’s the chief reason humans have big brains in the first place.* So, some of this stuff takes a little time to really get down. And nobody teaches it to you. But on the flipside, no one is teaching it to anybody else, either. This course is designed to quickly give you an enormous social advantage... and grow your social fundamentals by leaps and bounds in the process, too.

More detail on social power and fundamentals: •  The less needy a man is, the •  Socially powerful men more socially powerful he are inclusive, to a point can be •  Socially powerful men are •  Socially powerful men do approvers and validators of not let others dictate others where their focus will be •  Nonverbal responses are typically more powerful*, as they are less effortful Lesson 1

•  Social power is about both results and effort

* Archer & Akert, 1977; Argyle, Alkema, & Gilmour, 1971

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Men (and women) climb social ladders to achieve a higher social rank. Ladder climbing behavior includes: •  •  •  • 

One-upping peers Trying make oneself appear superior to a peer Ingratiating oneself to the leader of the group Or even challenging the group leader for leadership

Rank on the social ladder comes first and foremost from whom others believe you are connected to.* As such, ladder climbers usually try to please those above them, pass by their peers, and ignore or insult those below them. People work harder to improve their ranks when they know others are ranking them†... Which is why you see this behavior most in rank-heavy environments, like social circle or nightclubs.

Lesson 1

* Rivera, 2010 | † Kuhnen & Tymula, 2012

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No one likes ladder climbers. Ladder-climbing behavior is selfish. It strives to improve the lot of the individual at the expense of the group. Though they won’t like him, others may accept the climber... if the climber does a good enough job protecting himself from attack within the group. Even still, they will typically look for ways to knock the climber out of his position or exclude him from the group and its activities. People are excellent judges of real status*, and they tend to know when someone is faking. Lesson 1

* Mast & Hall, 2004

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Differences between climbers and the socially calibrated: Ladder climbers: •  Talk about negative topics frequently and in inappropriate situations •  Try to tie unrelated jokes or humor into the conversation •  Belittle others or try to make them look bad •  Butt into others’ conversations •  Don’t know when to leave •  Try to force rapport •  Brag or showboat Lesson 1

Socially calibrated individuals: •  Build up others* •  Ignore minor faux pas •  Keep conversations upbeat •  Allow conversation to progress naturally •  Enter and exit gracefully from conversation •  Use humor that stems from the conversation

* Weisfeld & Weisfeld, 1984

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Social power allows men who have it to take command of social situations, often unopposed. It is the ability to get what one wants socially and navigate social hierarchies with ease and without offense. Men with high social power face fewer cockblocking attempts and interruptions. They receive more support from women’s friends. And they can more easily pick the women they want from groups they’re in without anyone butting in. Lesson 1

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Other ways we’ll cover to build social power in future The Dating Artisan lessons: 1.  Becoming a skilled conversationalist (see The Dating Artisan, Module 2) 2.  Building social momentum (see The Dating Artisan, Module 8) 3.  Establishing yourself as an authority or local celebrity (see The Dating Artisan, Module 9) Lesson 1

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“Bringing the energy” is infusing a group you’re interacting with with positive, energizing vitality. The keys to doing this are: 1. 

Controlling the flow of the conversation –  –  – 

2. 

Being physically and verbally inclusive –  –  – 

3. 

Cut bad topics Introduce positive and interesting topics Speak energetically Make your stories / talking interactive Be physically warm If you interrupt someone, return the conversation to him

Leading the group or person you are with –  – 

Lesson 1

Make decisions when this is needed Cause movement among the people or group 39

The more value you bring to a social interaction, the faster others accept you and the more they let you get away with. Bringing the energy is one easy, efficient way to add value to any group you’re with. The better you become at bringing the energy, the better you will integrate with all sorts of groups. Lesson 1

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“The clothes make the man.” Fashion accentuates your physique, or conceals it.* It allows you to highlight aspects of your personality, such as confidence (attention-generating items), taste (attractive items), and social savvy (understated items). And your grooming has a huge impact on how capable and attractive you seem.† Fashion and grooming allow you to categorize yourself: as a businessman, an artist, a rebel, a tough guy, a nerd, or any of a number of other subgroups. Categorization like this makes it easier for you to attract women looking for that “type” of guy. Lesson 1

* Frith & Gleeson, 2004 | † Mack & Rainey, 1990

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Many men don’t learn fashion. Most guys’ clothes are the equivalent of the “nice guy personality”: not interesting, not complimentary, just “there”... boring and merely satisfactory. But with just a little fashion, a man can stand out in a host of good and attractive ways, just like a man with an attractive personality stands out. Lesson 1

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Some inexpensive ways to improve your fashion: •  Wear smaller-sized clothes. •  Make sure outfits have (I’m 6’ and wear American good contrast between size small) items •  Match shoe/belt colors

•  … but also avoid wearing outfits that are too “noisy”

•  Wear something red or black* (the color red makes •  Pick a sexy “style identity” you 26% sexier to women that makes it easy for who are fertile†) women to categorize you Lesson 1

* Elliot, et al., 2010; Roberts, Owen, & Havlicek, 2010 | † Prokop, Pazda, & Elliot, 2015

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Change your hairstyle and you can look like a completely different man. A fashionable, sexy hairstyle, for instance, can significantly improve your looks. It may make you 2 or 3 points hotter on a 10-point scale. A bad hairstyle can impact your looks negatively in the opposite direction. It can even make goodlooking men look unattractive. Lesson 1

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Hair length makes a huge difference in appearance:

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And this is just as true for men:

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Short hair suggests masculinity, and works best on men with masculine looks and personalities.

Men without strong masculine presences should avoid short hair. It can make these men seem boyish. Lesson 1

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Medium-length hair is the “safest” choice, as it affords the most flexibility in styling, works in most professional settings, and can partially conceal a less developed masculine presence.

Lesson 1

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Long hair is edgy hair, because it breaks social norms (and most men can’t wear it due to work).

Long hair can make you very attractive, but if not backed by masculinity risks making you feminine. Lesson 1

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Women’s preferences for hair length differ according to their personalities. Conservative women prefer men with shorter hair, while liberal women prefer men with longer hair.* Long hair polarizes more than any other hair type:† some women love it, other women hate it. And at least among women, long hair serves as an indicator of good physical health.‡ Lesson 1

* Peterson & Curran, 1976 | † Pancer & Meindl, 1978 | ‡ Mesko & Bereczkei, 2004

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Facial hair makes men appear*: •  •  •  • 

More charismatic More intelligent / capable Calmer / more in control Higher status

… with stubble or light beards rating as the most sexually attractive facial hair options for men.† Also, for men with feminine faces: the heavier the beard, the less of an impact on masculinity their face structures have.‡ Lesson 1

* Reed & Blunk, 1990; Dixon & Vasey, 2012 | † Neave & Shields, 2008 | ‡ Sherlock, Tegg, Sulikowski, & Dixson, 2016

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Full beards make you look*: •  Extremely masculine •  Established and mature •  Older Best for men in their 30s and older.

Lesson 1

* Neave & Shields, 2008

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Light beards make you look*: •  Edgy and manly •  Interesting and novel •  Like a bit of a wild card Recommended for men younger than mid-30s. Lesson 1

* Neave & Shields, 2008

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The moustache and goatee: •  Extends the chin (good for weak chins) •  Can be worn by dark-skinned men without being too intimidating-looking

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The chinstrap beard and soul patch: •  Appeals to women who want “bad boys” •  Appeals to women looking for men in the “in crowd” Recommended for men under age 35. Lesson 1

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Benefits of stubble*: •  Works with most looks •  Sufficiently masculine •  Not too intimidating Works at any age. Lesson 1

* Neave & Shields, 2008

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For easy maintenance of facial hair (without spending lots of time clipping with scissors), get an electric beard trimmer.

Lesson 1

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Various facial hair styles come in and out of fashion. Following current fashions will: •  Attract women in that subculture •  Make you hip/trendy •  Make you youthful Trend-following is best for men under 35.

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Men’s facial hair configurations, including clean shaven, grow more attractive as they become rarer.* Thus, when most men are clean shaven, facial hair is more attractive. Conversely, when most men sport facial hair, clean shaven is more attractive. Some trends of the past few centuries: •  •  •  •  •  • 

In the mid-1800s, sideburns were fashionable Full beards became fashionable from 1870 to 1900 Moustaches came in vogue after 1900 In the 1890s, a full 90% of men had facial hair By the 1970s, that figure had dropped to under 20% In 2005, beards began to come into vogue again

Lesson 1

* Janif, Brooks, & Dixon, 2014

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Facial hair – regarded as dominant, but less trustworthy – becomes popular when there is an abundance of marriageable men.* Facial hair is a way for a man to say, “There are plenty of guys you can trust and marry. You should date me because I’m exciting.” In contrast, men shave their facial hair in weak marriage markets where women have difficulty securing commitment from men. Here, being clean shaven serves as a signal to women that the clean shaven man is trustworthy and marriageable. So, if it seems like women are excited for bad boys around you, wear facial hair. On the other hand, if there are too many single women and women just want to marry as soon as possible, going clean shaven can be a great way to advertise your stability and reliability in an unsafe market. Lesson 1

* Barber, 2001

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Ways men can up their sex appeal: •  •  •  •  • 

Intense eye contact Touch her more Slow movement Enter her space Sexy smiles / expressions

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•  •  •  •  •  • 

Vocal resonance Composed exterior Passion underneath Sexual innuendo Break social norms Focus on her 61

No man is born sexy. But you can learn to be it. It’s important to realize that to become a sexually appealing man, you must focus on this and learn this, same as you would any other skill. Lesson 1

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Nonverbal communication is a powerful tool for social influence.* Women in general are far better senders and readers of nonverbal signals than most men are.† Women pick up on nonverbal, even if you think it’s subtle. Here are a few signals you can use to increase sex appeal in your courtships: •  The head tipping. Tilting your head to the side can be quite sexy. It implies you are evaluating her and thinking... something... about her. •  Bedroom eyes. Lower your eyelids and take your eyes out of focus as you look at her. This is how people look at each other when they want to kiss or go to bed. •  Ear tap. Tap your ear when she is talking to you to tell her to lean in closer or speak up. This is very sexual, as you command her nonverbally while telling her you want her to lean in close.

Lesson 1

* Edinger & Patterson, 1983 | † Andersen, 1999; Hall, 1984; Hall & Halberstadt, 1981

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Women use nonverbal signals much more than men do... and they use it most often to express approval.* Women may also follow strategies or “scripts” with their nonverbal behavior: they give certain signals at certain points in the courtship, not just in reaction to things you’ve said or done.† Once more you develop your ability to read the signs and signals women give you, the easier it gets to know where to take the courtship and when and how to move ahead with a girl. This makes your courtships much smoother and much easier... and much faster, too.

Lesson 1

* Lochman & Allen, 1981 | † Patterson, 1982

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Smiling works best to disarm women you approach, to remove any sense of threat.* However, smiling in and of itself is NOT attractive – in fact, it’s the least attractive facial expression for men.† The takeaway is you should smile on approach if there’s even a small chance she might not trust your intentions. And smiling sporadically throughout an interaction can make it clearer you’re on the same page with her. However, don’t grin like an idiot throughout. Too much smiling will make you less attractive, not more. Lesson 1

* Brown, Palameta, & Moore, 2003; Penton-Voak & Chang, 2008 | † Tracy & Beall, 2011

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One other benefit of smiling is its activation of her mirror neurons. All human brains contain a group of brain cells called “mirror neurons.” When you look at the face of another person, your mirror neurons cause you to briefly flash the same emotion you see on her face onto your face.* This facial mimicking is more intense in women – women feel what you feel even stronger than you feel what they do.† The name for this mirroring of facial emotions is “emotional contagion.” Basically, emotions are contagious. Thus, when you smile – especially if it is a very genuine smile (even better, a “just about to break out into laughter” smile) – she can “catch” some of those good feelings off you.

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* Hatfield, Cacioppo, & Rapson, 1994 | † Lundqvist, 1995

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The cute and sexy look, while sounding silly, can be exciting and attractive to women... by displaying a playful mood. This is a good “default” face, and can cause more women to hover around hoping to talk to you if you wear it when resting or not talking to anyone.

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Across the board, close interpersonal distances are associated with attraction.* What men often do is sit or stand farther away from women, inside the “polite zone.” They do this to not be too forward. But the actual result is women feel less attracted to them. If you want more attraction, exit the polite zone and get close to her. Use proximity to increase her desire for you. Lesson 1

* Kleinke, 1972; Evans & Howard, 1973; Hayduk, 1978; Gifford, 1982

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Men who are pursued by women: •  •  •  •  •  •  • 

Draw women in with attractive fundamentals Make the initial moves to get women engaged Share bits about themselves, but build intrigue Encourage chasing by rewarding when girls chase Discourage non-chasing by withdrawing attention Gradually increase women’s investment levels Keep their VAC well balanced

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Women rate men with Byronic character flaws as more attractive than equally handsome, yet unflawed, peers.* The heroes of Lord Byron’s romance novels wore a series of “masks” to conceal their “flaws.” These masks were easily removed and the women in the stories experienced a thrill of discovery as they peeled back mask after mask and sought to heal or tame the hero.† Lesson 1

Lord George Gordon Byron

* Bogg & Ray, 2006 | † Thorslev, 1962; Jump, 1972; Bogg & Ray, 2002

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The following traits are considered “Byronic”: •  •  •  •  •  •  •  •  • 

Arrogance Cunning and adaptability Cynicism Disrespect of rank and privilege Emotionally conflicted / moody Distaste for social norms A troubled past or tragedy Intelligent and perceptive Jaded, world-weariness

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•  •  •  •  •  •  •  •  • 

Mystery, magnetism, charisma Rebellious Seductive/sexually attractive Self-critical and introspective Self-destructive Socially and sexually dominant Sophisticated and elegant Struggling with integrity Exiled, outcast, or an outlaw

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Women are attracted to men with specific vulnerabilities. Healthy vulnerability boosts attainability. It’s crucial to keep in mind that “vulnerability” does not mean “weakness.” For instance, a man who is physically weak is not more attractive – he’s weak. However, a man who is emotionally conflicted is more attractive, all other things equal. An easy way to think about this is that women look for men who are undervalued: high value men undervalued by themselves or society, who because of this undervaluing are more attainable for women.

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This may seem like a lot to remember. However, all you really need to remember are three (3) little letters: VAC (Value + Attainability + Compliance): a formula for assessing attraction.* The higher your value is to a woman, the more balanced your attainability, and the more invested she is (the more she’s complied with you), the more attracted to you she will be.

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* Drake, 2006

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The VAC model comprises three parts: A.  Value: how valuable you seem to her B.  Attainability: how attainable you seem to her C.  Compliance: how invested in you she feels (don’t worry, we’ll get to SAC in great depth in the next few lessons! First we need to cover VAC) Lesson 1

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Value breaks down into two categories. 1. 

Universal value is value attractive across the board to women. This includes fundamentals, fame, authority, preselection (where a woman sees other women attracted to you), and the like.

2. 

Specific value is value attractive to certain subtypes of women. For instance, women who spend a lot of time on the beach, bleach their hair blonde, tan, and have tattoos on their ankles or backs will find tanned, muscular men with tattoos and surfer accents extremely attractive. However, women from the professional world or women from an artistic or outsider group may find tans, tattoos, and surfer accents less attractive, or may even use these qualities to disqualify the men who possess them.

High value consists of honest signals of hard-to-possess qualities (that take time and energy to develop) or unique, difficult-to-copy talents or resources.* Lesson 1

* Miller, 2011; Zahavi & Zahavi, 1999

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Attainability can be a tough concept to understand, but it’s one of the most important to. Attainability is simply whether a woman feels like she can get what she wants from you... and how easily (or not) she feels she can get it. When you are not attainable enough to a woman, your value becomes invisible to her. Her ego protection mechanisms kick in and reassure her that this man she can’t get isn’t one she’d want anyway. Attainability’s effect is strongest with high value men. High value, attainable men are the most liked of all men. High value, unattainable men, on the other hand, are the least liked men.* As your value goes up, it becomes increasingly important to make yourself more attainable. Lesson 1

* Sigall & Aronson, 1969

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Here’s another way to think about attainability: attraction can also be broken down into capacity and willingness.* In this division: •  If you have the capacity to facilitate her goals/needs, and you demonstrate willingness to, she feels attraction •  If you seem willing to satisfy her needs, yet you seem to lack the capacity to, your attainability is too high and/or you are otherwise low value, and she does not feel attraction •  If you seem to have the capacity to satisfy her goals/needs, yet don’t seem to be willing to, your attainability is too low, and she enters auto-rejection (where she rejects you before you can reject her, to protect her sense of self) Lesson 1

* Montoya & Horton, 2013; Singh, Goh, Sankaran, & Bhullar, 2015

77

There is no upper bound to a man’s value. That’s why rock stars, billionaires, and celebrities still have no trouble sleeping with ordinary women (if they want to); despite the huge value difference, so long as they maintain their attainability they only benefit by their value increasing.* The only rule to keep in mind is the importance of attainability. As value goes up, attainability goes down. Let it slide too much and all that new value you’ve acquired becomes invisible to her. Lesson 1

* Walster, 1970

78

Compliance is a measure of how invested in you a woman is. The more she complies with your requests, like: •  •  •  •  •  • 

“Give me your hand.” “Tell me about yourself.” “Let me have a sip of your drink.” “Let’s move over there.” “How about we take a seat.” “Turn around, let me see your dress.”

… the more invested in you she becomes, and the less likely to suddenly leave the interaction or stop returning your texts or calls. Lesson 1

79

There are two common problems men encounter with attainability: they are too attainable (too easy to get; no challenge), or they are not attainable enough (too hard to get; unattainable). When a man’s attainability is too high, he becomes no challenge to get... and women get bored and lose interest. Just like you lose interest in a girl who is too easy for you to get (the girl who chases after you too hard and you start to feel a little turned off by her). When a man’s attainability is too low, he becomes unattainable... and women feel insulted and take steps to protect their egos from him (auto-rejection). This is the same ego protection you experience when you walk up to a beautiful girl, but she dismisses you without giving you a shot: “Eh, she’s not a nice person. I wouldn’t want to date her anyway.” Lesson 1

80

Most men struggle to get investment, because they’re afraid to ask women to do things for them. Most of the time, men invest themselves (in hopes they’ll get sex).* A guy will think, “This girl is barely even talking to me... if I ask her to start to do stuff for me on top of that, she’ll leave!” Yet investment is key to attraction. Without this, you will have real trouble with your connections with women. Lesson 1

* Kruger, 2008

81

Women are looking to feel something, above all. They can be looking for different feelings at different times. So it’s important to figure out what a woman is looking to feel before you try to make her feel something. However, simply having the awareness that women are looking to feel, and not simply thinking you need to throw your relationship résumé out there for a girl to approve or not approve, puts you miles past most men.

Lesson 1

82

A woman wants a man who is a bit of a challenge.* Not so much challenge that she gets frustrated and gives up. But not so easy either that it feels like any woman can get this guy. Most men don’t challenge because they’re afraid if they put up hurdles for girls, those girls will walk away. Women take this as the man’s assessment of his own value; essentially, by not challenging her at all, he is saying, “I don’t think I’m valuable enough to make women work for me.” Since no one knows his value as well as he does, women will take his assessment for what it is. They will trust his own low evaluation of himself, and consider him undesirable. To avoid this, you must challenge women more.

Lesson 1

* Whitchurch, Wilson, & Gilbert, 2010

83

Men’s mating strategies depend on how they view their mate value and that of the girl they want to court. If there is a big difference in mate value, where the man feels like he is significantly lower value than the woman, his “mating sociometer” kicks in. He adopts a more conservative approach to try to make up for his lower desirability... and labors to show her what a stable, reliable provider he is.* Unless you take the time to improve your fundamentals to match or exceed the mate value of the women you want, you’ll forever take the sociosexually restricted route to success with women. You’ll forever be trying to make up for a mate value handicap by showing what a good boyfriend or husband you’d make. If, instead, you elevate your fundamentals, you can compete on mate value – which does a far better job at getting you the women you want. Lesson 1

* Penke & Denissen, 2008; Gomula, Nowak-Szczepanska, & Danel, 2014

84

Most men put women on pedestals, which is a way of saying they fictionalize women. Men will see a pretty girl and imagine an entire personality or life trajectory for her. Usually this “fiction her” is nothing like her actual personality or life. They will then communicate this impression of her via their behavior toward her. For instance, a man sees a beautiful girl and thinks she must be a chaste, virginal beauty. So he treats her extra delicately, never acts sexual around her (he doesn’t want to scare her off), and pays for everything for her. She will know right away how he sees her... And she’ll know if it isn’t on point. And if it isn’t on point, it’s going to feel weird (maybe even a little scary). Lesson 1

85

Women do not like being put on pedestals like this. They know the man’s impression of them is unrealistic. Sooner or later, he is going to realize they are not the goddesses he thought they were, and that they are just people. When he realizes this, his treatment of them will change. His impression of them will plummet. And he may even resent them for not measuring up to his expectations. So women look for men who have a realistic impression of what they are like, and who treat them like fellow human beings, warts and all. Men who challenge them a bit, act sexual around them, and don’t dote on or pamper them. These men are attractive because the woman knows she is getting something real... and because she knows she can relax around men like this and not be resented for it the way she often will be with men who idealize her. Lesson 1

86

Once men set out to take women off the pedestal, it’s common for them to go too far the other way, and become too much a challenge. This hurts attainability and puts a lot of women into auto-rejection (where they preemptively reject you out of fear you will reject or hurt them). However, this overcorrection is a necessary step to go through. It is part of your transition from being too nice / too idealistic... to the place where you are, like Goldilocks, “just right.” You’ll have to spend a little time as a jerk to figure out where “just right” is, before you’ll fully know where the boundaries are for how much challenging a woman can take.

Lesson 1

87

Both romantic love and sex drive are motivation systems, not emotions.* That means a woman can feel more or less motivated to be with you based upon the reinforcement she receives (from you and others).† Thus it is extremely important that you are careful not to reward bad behavior (e.g., she shows disinterest, so you chase her, try to buy her a drink, or compliment her) or punish good behavior (e.g., she complies with your request, and you tease her). Many a man has inadvertently sunk his chances with women by reinforcing behavior unhelpful to him... and discouraging behavior that would’ve moved the courtship forward. Make sure you do not do this. Reward good behavior. Punish bad. Lesson 1

* Fisher, Aron, & Brown, 2005 | † Skinner, 1953; Holroyd & Coles, 2002; Pagoni, Zink, Montague, & Berns, 2002; Wrase, et al., 2007

88

Women have several “boxes” they plunk men into soon after meeting them. The most important ones are: •  The friend box •  The lover box •  The boyfriend box Lesson 1

89

To avoid the friend box, you must: •  •  •  •  • 

Not overprovide good feelings Not be overly helpful or useful Have her invest more in you than you in her Maintain a sexual (non-platonic) demeanor Do things on your terms, rather than hers

Lesson 1

90

If you are advanced (very skilled) with women, the friend box can be a good or even useful place to be.* Because women let their guards down around friends†, a man who is talented at escalation and logistics can set things up so that he is alone and creating a sexual vibe very quickly with women who previously only saw him as a “friend.” However, this is advanced strategy, and most inexperienced men who try this find themselves continually chasing after women who only see them as friends, and never make headway. Until you have an easy time sleeping with new women, this is not a strategy for you to attempt yet.

Lesson 1

* Sprecher & Regan, 2002 | † Lemay & Wolf, 2016

91

To avoid the boyfriend box, you must: •  •  •  •  • 

Move quickly with her Disqualify yourself as a boyfriend* Be irreverent, rebellious, and rough Have an unstable, unreliable vibe around you Do all items needed to avoid the friend box

Lesson 1

* Beres, 2010

92

An early boyfriend is a man who behaves like a woman’s boyfriend before he’s become her boyfriend. He does things like: •  •  •  •  • 

Accompanies her while she shops for clothes Helps her fix things broken at her place Helps her with projects from school or work Listens to her problems and consoles her Goes with her to dances, on hikes, etc.

… all before he’s started sleeping with her. Women rarely sleep with men who do this, because if he’s already behaving like a boyfriend, why introduce sex and risk messing everything up? Many guys disappear as soon as they get sex, and for most women, sex, which is easy to get, is not worth risking all the value an early boyfriend provides, even if they find him attractive.

Lesson 1

93

While it is possible to move too fast with women and scare them off by being overly aggressive, this is the opposite of the problem most men have: Not moving anywhere near fast enough. If you want to do better with women, if you only take one lesson away from this entire course, let it be this: move faster with women. Lesson 1

94

Some key moments you may need to move faster: •  •  •  •  •  •  •  •  • 

Say hello faster Ask her out faster Take her phone number faster Set the date up faster Touch her faster Invite her home faster Make a move faster Kiss her faster Have sex with her faster

Lesson 1

95

If men moved faster with women, they would: •  •  •  •  • 

Not miss so many chances with women Not have women grow frustrated with them Excite women (significantly) more Have a lot more fun themselves Discover many more opportunities with girls

Lesson 1

96

Great fundamentals and a solid dating process give you great confidence with girls. That confidence lets you experience a self-fulfilling dating prophecy. That is, you’ll expect the women you like to like you back... which will motivate these women to flirt back... and eventually to, in fact, like you back.* Simply believing it (and having the knowhow and fundamentals to back it up) makes it so. Lesson 1

* Lemay & Wolf, 2016

97

Your assignment for Lesson #1: Select two (2) fundamentals, and set to work improving yourself in each. Examples: voice and hairstyle, or posture and eye contact. Did you complete this assignment and share it on the forum? Lesson 1

98

Last lesson, we covered VAC, which is a model for attraction. Over the next few lessons, we’ll zero in on SAC, which is a model for date success. If that’s too many acronyms for you for now, just focus on SAC (similarity-arousal-compliance). That’s the important one for now, to grasp how to pull off the One Date. We’ll come back to VAC (for understanding raw attraction) later. Lesson 2

100

When you knock SAC out of the park with a girl, she comes home with you, has sex with you, and is open to becoming your girlfriend. Simple as that. If she feels similar and connected to you, is aroused by you, and is complying with you, you can lead her to the bedroom. In fact, if those three things are in place, you will have to lead her to the bedroom. She’ll all but demand it.

Lesson 2

101

Many girls need more of one of the sides of SAC than others: •  They need more similarity (a more incredible connection) •  They need more arousal (a more exciting/stimulating experience) •  Or they need more compliance (they need you to get them doing a lot and investing a lot) Lesson 2

102

The three (3) biggest goals for women going on first dates are*: 1.  2.  3. 

Reduce uncertainty (52% of first daters) Escalate the relation (48% of first daters) Have fun (40% of first daters)

Uncertainty is strongly linked to arousal (I give you a ton of uncertainty tools in The Dating Artisan, Module 1). Escalating the relation is just another way of saying “improve the connection”. And “have fun” means connection and arousal aren’t as much of a concern, and she’s ready to go right along with it. It should be pretty clear that all three of these concerns are likely to be important to girls you ask out. Most women are going to have at least two of these concerns as boxes you must check off.

Lesson 2

* Mongeau, Serewicz, & Therrien, 2004

103

The context surrounding a date influences what you expect to happen on that date.* What she expects to happen on a date makes a big difference whether she goes along with it or not. Thus, it’s extra crucial you figure out what kind of date a girl needs, and give her it. If you do, it’ll be smooth sailing much of the way. If you don’t, you may find yourself fighting a battle uphill. Lesson 2

* Serewicz & Gale, 2008

104

On average, I’d say it’s about 50/50 whether a girl falls into one clear SAC camp or not. If she does, you will know right away that this girl needs more connection, more arousal, or to do more things for you. So long as you’re able to recognize the signs, it’ll be all over her behavior. If she doesn’t, it will seem unclear. She won’t seem to fit into any certain box. Or you may not be sure if she’s even all that attracted to you (yet). We’ll talk about what to do with these girls later, too, so don’t worry.

Lesson 2

105

Don’t go thinking you can just ask her what she wants, either. Research shows the men women actually pick to go on dates with have no relation to what kind of men women say they want to go on dates with.* A woman will say she wants this and that and the other thing in a man... Then turn right around and date a guy who has none of those qualities. You can’t rely on her to tell you what she’s after. You must figure it out yourself. Not to worry – the tools from this lesson will help you figure out just what she (actually) wants. Lesson 2

* Eastwick & Finkel, 2008; Sorokowski, Sabiniewicz, & Sorokowska, 2015; Todd, Penke, Fasolo, & Lenton, 2007

106

The way to figure out what kind of date a girl needs is to proceed backwards down SAC: 1.  Ask her for compliance, and gauge her response; next, 2.  Do something that sparks arousal, while you gauge her response; 3.  Finally, demonstrate similarity, while you gauge her response Wherever you clearly get the best, strongest, warmest, most excited, most willing response, that’s usually the area where you need to concentrate your efforts. Simple enough, right?

Lesson 2

107

A “good response” to one of your SAC pings can be: •  She “drops her guard”: her body language relaxes and her smile gets easier. She lowers her defensiveness (removes hands from in front of body; uncrosses arms) and becomes more open (puts her arms at her side in a less protected position) •  She grows excited: she seems eager, and pays a lot of attention suddenly following your use of this element of SAC •  She begins to auto-invest: if she starts to ask questions, get closer, turn her body more toward you, touch you, or do anything that moves the courtship forward, you’ve likely got a hit If you see any of these responses to one of your SAC pings, you’ve found what she needs. Lesson 2

108

When you get women who respond very well to compliance from the get-go, they’re telling you they’re down for a “hookup date.” That is, they don’t need much similarity. They don’t need much arousal. They’re simply ready, already. With a girl like this, I still suggest you work in similarity and arousal. Just add a bit in as you take her through the hookup date process. Your focus will be compliance, but in the gaps between working on compliance, you can insert a little similarity/arousal work. Just don’t make S or A the focus with her, is all.

Lesson 2

109

If a girl is in “hookup mode” – that is, if she’s already decided she wants something to happen with you – it’s very possible to overdo it by focusing too much on similarity or arousal. What happens is a girl in hookup mode is already farther along in a courtship. She’s already at a later stage; one other girls won’t reach until you’ve built more S or A. If you start focusing in on S or A instead of simply escalating compliance and moving things forward, she will feel like you “don’t get it.” She’ll think you’re unconfident, and will doubt your ability to give her what she wants. Most of the time, she’ll lose interest, and leave disappointed. Lesson 2

110

So, just remember: if she responds extremely well to compliance requests, even early on – even right from the beginning of the courtship – that’s your signal she’s ready for things to move to the fast track. She’s sold on you, and needs no additional selling. So don’t spend too much time doing a lot more salesmanship (building similarity and arousal). Just do enough of those to keep the wheels greased as you continue to lead her step-by-step to bed. Lesson 2

111

In every date, at some point, a girl’s mind will shift from whatever prior focus it had to a “hookup focus.” This is the point at which she’s decided she feels sufficiently similar to you, and is sufficiently aroused... And now she just wants things to get to you and her, naked in bed. Lesson 2

112

You can tell you’ve reached a point where she’s become sexually receptive by changes in her demeanor: •  •  •  • 

She looks both nervous and excited She smiles at you warmly/sexily yet doesn’t talk much She runs her hands up and down a cylindrical object (like a glass) She focuses hard on you, yet occasionally looks around, as if to check whether you and her are alone •  She begins to “triangle gaze” you – shifting her eyes from each of your eyes to your mouth and back •  She grows physically close to you and/or snuggles against you If you get two or more of these signs, she’s in hookup mode.

Lesson 2

113

If you do not identify that she now wants things to move toward sex, and you continue to pursue building similarity or arousal with her, you’ll cause her interest to cool back off. A woman’s interest is contingent upon her feeling like the man she’s with can take her where she wants to go. The less confident she feels about that, the more her interest in him starts to subside... and the faster it subsides, too. Lesson 2

114

The hookup date, or “easy date”, is one in which you essentially just get a girl back to your place as quickly as possible. You can take her phone number when you meet her... But you may also want to try to lead her directly back home the day you meet her, too. The safe option is to plan a date at somewhere very near your apartment. A café or dive bar nearby, for instance. But take her to your place first if it feels like she’d be open to this. If not, bring her home after you take her to the date spot. The riskier but perhaps more fun option is to tell her to swing by your place first and you’ll head out from there. When she arrives, have her come inside while you finish getting ready... and if the vibe is there, then just sleep with her then and there. Lesson 2

115

If you invite her onto a different sort of date, only to realize midway through that she is almost certainly down to hook up as soon as possible, then what you need to do is pivot the date: Whatever plans you previously had laid out, scrap them. This is where taking time to plan out your dates (which we’ll talk about later) comes in. You must be able to read that her emotions have changed and now present an opportunity for you and her. And you must be prepared to take advantage of this opportunity – and whisk her off somewhere private, just you and her... rather than try to execute a longer, more elaborate (but suddenly irrelevant) date plan. Lesson 2

116

You can tell a woman needs connection if she’s guarded to compliance and arousal, yet warms up to similarity. For instance, if she complies with your initial request, yet seems hesitant... and then you do something arousing, yet she acts a little guarded... then you build similarity, and she warms right up? That’s your sign she’s a connection-seeker. Lesson 2

117

A connection-seeker is arguably the farthest away from sleeping with you of the three (the girl who’s down for the hookup / readily compliant being the closest). However, you can still sleep with her quick and make her your girlfriend if you use SAC. The key is to realize most men do not take the time to build enough similarity with her. And of the men who do, most take the more respectful, hands-off “nice guy” path – and don’t build arousal or ask for compliance as they establish that similarity. Which means most men miss her entirely, while the rest build similarity in a sexuality-free way. Do things right, and you can absolutely move fast with her (and do it all in just a single date).

Lesson 2

118

When a woman needs similarity, the amount she needs depends, and the attitudes she needs it on depend too. However, a good rule of thumb is the deeper the elements you connect with her on are, the stronger the bond will be. For instance, maybe you discover you both like sailing. That’s a similarity, but it’s only a superficial one. Perhaps you next discover you both took sailing classes with the same instructor, or share some sailor friends in common. This is a deeper similarity / stronger bond. Now let’s say you find out that she took up sailing to feel free, to leave the land behind, and to get out on the water, where it’s calm and tranquil. And you completely relate to her on this and tell her your own story that communicates your primary motivations are the same. This is a still-deeper level of similarity; down to the most salient (attitude) level. The deeper you connect, and the more you get to attitudes and not just superficial details, the stronger the bond. Lesson 2

119

Similarity does NOT mean you share the same opinions with her. You might be a political conservative and she’s a political liberal. Or vice versa. But if you can connect with her on a motivational level about why you both care about politics, this goes beyond any superficial differences. For instance, you both deeply feel being an involved citizen is one of the most important roles an individual has in his or her society. Of course, if you stay on the surface level and compare opposing political beliefs, you’ll foster dissimilarity, and sink the connection. You overcome that initial dissimilarity by moving toward common goals.* Go beyond surface opinions to find true common ground.

Lesson 2

* Sunnafrank, 1985

120

… and she’s in need of connection: She’ll feel as if you don’t “get her”, aren’t her guy, and the courtship is missing something. And the odds you ever sleep with or date her are extremely low. Lesson 2

121

No, you cannot become too connected to a girl who is seeking similarity. The more similar to you she feels, the more she feels as if you know her, get her, and are her, through and through... and the more she will tend to feel like you and her meeting was “fate.” However, what a lot of men get wrong is to focus purely on ramping up connection, while they ignore arousal and compliance. The end result of this is a girl who feels incredibly connected to you, yet in a platonic way. Such a girl is entirely uncommitted to the courtship. This is the most common way men end up parked in women’s friend zones: all connection, no compliance/arousal. Side note: once you’ve established attraction and trust with her, similarity-building stops working.* Similarity only works in the early stages, to build trust and allow her to feel attraction. Once she’s there, similarity is not needed. So don’t keep trying to build more and more similarity past the courtship stage. I get guys asking me sometimes “How do I deep dive her once we’re in a relationship?” The answer is: “Not necessary.” Lesson 2

* Singh, Tay, & Sankaran, 2016

122

When the goal is to build similarity with a girl, the ideal date structure is a low-key date that does not involve much movement or anything too crazy, and is instead conducive to deep conversation and connection. For instance, a tranquil café during the day on a day she has off and no other urgent appointments. Or a quiet, intimate dive bar early in the evening when you have time to get to know her without her feeling rushed. Ideally, of course, you’ll want this to be close to your place, too, so things are easy when she’s “ready.” Lesson 2

123

You should seek to build arousal and compliance throughout a similaritybuilding date, rather than try to do one thing at a time. If you focus solely on connection first, what you’ll end up with is a girl who’s highly connected to you, yet not at all aroused or invested. You can’t then do a bunch of things and get her aroused and invested in 5 minutes. You want these things to happen over time. So you’ll often end up rushing to change the tone of the date to make up for what you lack (e.g., you go from a quiet connection date to suddenly now you’re going to go do something stimulating). When you try to do this, it feels unnatural. The superior strategy is to work arousal and compliance in as you go while you take her through the connection date. That way there is no rushed buildup or shift. It all happens at once.

Lesson 2

124

If a girl is an arousal-seeker, what she looks for is fun, excitement, and stimulation. To her, knowing that you are this way yourself is pretty much all the similarity she needs; her focus is on sensation!*

Lesson 2

* Peter & Valkenburg, 2007

125

If she’s in need of arousal and you fail to provide this to her, she will either feel that you are boring, or that you’re a really nice guy and maybe even interesting to talk to... yet either way, you just don’t “do it” for her. She often won’t know why, but she simply won’t be interested in anything with you. The “why”, however, is your missing arousal. Lesson 2

126

If every guy focused on building arousal with every girl he liked, the “friend zone” would cease to exist. What the friend zone often is is a dumping ground for men who build connections yet fail to push a woman’s arousal button.* Men in the friend zone are men who have Value (if you think back to VAC), and they have Attainability; however, the Value they have is platonic value, and NOT sexual value. They’ve failed to create arousal, and thus don’t have value to a woman outside what a platonic friend offers. If men focused as much on building arousal as they do on building similarity, the friend zone would be a memory. Note that it is possible to still be arousing in the friend zone. However, this is only with men who have never allowed flirtation, arousal, and sexual tension to die. 50% of college students have hooked up with a friend; it does happen.† In many of these cases, though, it is because the male friend has maintained that sexual spark with his female friend. Rarely does a female friend decide to hook up with a platonic male friend. To hook up in the friend zone, you have to stay sexual. Lesson 2

* Abbey, 1987 | † Afifi & Faulkner, 2000

127

The reasons a woman seeks arousal include: •  •  •  •  •  • 

She’s a pleasure/novelty-seeker She needs to de-stress from something taxing She’s recently left a long, boring relationship She has a lot of frustration she wants gone She’s bored, listless, or tuned out She already has lots of nice guy friends

Lesson 2

128

It’s fair to say: •  A girl in need of a hookup date is the most sexually receptive (she just needs you to lead her to it) •  A girl in need of an arousal date is in the middle (she needs you to create arousal... then lead her to bed) •  A girl in need of connection is the least sexually primed (she needs to feel connected to you... then for you to create arousal... then lead her to bed) Lesson 2

129

It is possible to go overboard on arousal. The problem here is if you make her too aroused, then don’t deliver sex. If, for instance, you get her extremely aroused in public, then don’t get her alone somewhere. Make her too aroused, then fail to give her sex soon after, and the window will close. Therefore, it’s generally good form to make sure her arousal does not get too far ahead of her compliance. If you build arousal too far in excess of compliance, you risk a girl who’s all horny, with no place to go. And by the time you build up compliance, she may have cooled off, or left in frustration. Lesson 2

130

You know she’s aroused enough if you see those same indicators we discussed earlier: •  •  •  • 

She looks both nervous and excited She smiles at you warmly/sexily yet doesn’t talk much She runs her hands up and down a cylindrical object (like a glass) She focuses hard on you, yet occasionally looks around, as if to check whether you and her are alone •  She begins to “triangle gaze” you – shifting her eyes from each of your eyes to your mouth and back •  She grows physically close to you and/or snuggles against you Again, if you see these, she’s entered “hookup mode” and she’s ready.

Lesson 2

131

Plenty of times you will meet women who don’t seem to fall into any of the similarity-arousalcompliance camps right away. This is most often the case with women who aren’t excited about you yet (for whatever reason). Don’t worry too much about this for now; your task will be leveraging SAC to to change her mind. Lesson 2

132

If she’s in the “ambiguous” category, you have two (2) choices: 1.  Use your preferred date: usually you will have a date structure you prefer. Could be a hookup, connection, or arousal date. You’ll take her on this date because it’s less work for you and you’ll be more comfortable. 2.  Use a “safe” date: this usually means a structured date that incorporates plenty of time to excite and stimulate her, yet also time to bond with her and establish similarities. This will be your “covers all the bases”-style date. #2 gives you the better odds of getting the girl. However, #1 is less work. So if you aren’t too sure about this girl, and “not wasting time” is more important than “definitely getting the girl”, you may want #1. Lesson 2

133

The advantage of a well-planned “safe date” is ample opportunity to develop similarity, arousal, and compliance. For instance: •  •  •  • 

You meet her at a coffee shop to chat You then head out to an arcade to play games You take her for a walk and end up at your place And it all unfolds over about 2 to 4 hours

The disadvantage of a safe date is it’s more work, often work put in on a girl who’s more ambiguous about you. Run the date right, and you can often “crack the nut” and get her. However you will have to balance all three parts of SAC fairly well and the date can be timeconsuming.

Lesson 2

134

Typically, as the date progresses women will make it clearer what they need most from you. To figure it out, look for what she responds best to: similarity, arousal, or compliance? Do keep in mind a woman needs all three. Don’t slip into a pure connection date where you ignore arousal because she didn’t respond as well to that early on. If she doesn’t respond well to something initially, work on the other parts of SAC, then work back to the rest later. Lesson 2

135

If you build lots of similarity, yet she seems bored, she needs arousal. Also build compliance too, of course. Yet her main issue when she’s bored is going to be that she simply isn’t stimulated. Talk alone is not enough to get her there – you need arousal.

Lesson 2

136

If you build lots of arousal, yet she seems uncomfortable, that’s typically a sign she does not feel similar enough to you yet. She may not feel like you have much in common; she may feel like you and her are just different people, or you don’t or can’t “get” her. Whatever the reason, she doesn’t feel comfortable letting her guard down and opening up to arousing stimuli yet. You must make connect more first. Lesson 2

137

If you’re asking for lots of compliance, yet she’s noncompliant or resists complying, you lack in similarity, arousal, or both. If she’s not aroused, even if she feels similar to you, you’re just a friend. She’s not going to invest much in and follow the lead of some guy she’s platonic friends with. And if she’s aroused, yet doesn’t feel similar to you, you’re a playboy who’s just messing around. She doesn’t trust your intentions enough to go along with them... even if you do seem exciting. Lesson 2

138

If you do everything right... and she feels highly similar to you, highly aroused around you, and is highly invested in and compliant with you... then you have a girl who is ready to go to bed with you, and who will happily stick around and be your girlfriend after. You have “won” the game – and so has she, in finding a guy able to knock it as far out of the park with her as you have.

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139

Different dates take different lengths of time. However, you can roughly expect lengths, from “hello” to “make love to me”, like this: •  •  •  • 

Safe date: 3 to 7 hours Connection date: 2 to 3 hours Arousal date: 1 to 2 hours Hookup date: 10 minutes to an hour

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140

You should continue to use SAC with her once you have her back at your place, before sex. You don’t want to change and seem like you’re a different guy just because she’s alone with you now. However, in most cases, you will tone down similarity-building attempts and arousal-building ones. Your focus once alone (provided you’ve primed her well for intimacy) is to escalate compliance with her while maintaining similarity/arousal, until you are in bed together. For instance, you can chat a little with her (connection), but don’t go too deep. And you can banter with her a little (arousal), but don’t get too wild. Focus on having her do things for you, touch you, allow you to touch her, and comply with the escalation, above all else.

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141

The assignment for Lesson #2: The next three (3) attractive women you talk to, run through a quick series of SAC pings. Go backwards (compliance, then arousal, then similarity) and monitor how the girls respond. Try to identify which girls need what dates. Did you complete this assignment and share it on the forum? Lesson 2

142

It’s very possible to take a woman to bed after just a single experience together; after just one date.* And in fact, it’s preferable. Even if you’re an incredibly talented dater, the more time you spend with her before sleeping with her, the more you expand the time window you have to make mistakes in. Less time to sex, all other things being even, is better. Lesson 3

* Edgar & Fitzpatrick, 1993

144

The difference between a woman who’s insulted you went for it in one date, and the woman who’s disappointed that didn’t, comes down to the experience you provide. Provide her with a mediocre experience, and she’ll feel insulted you thought you could go for sex that fast. On the other hand, show her an unbelievable time, and she’ll be heartbroken if it ends any other way than the two of you becoming lovers. Lesson 3

145

The most common reasons men delay making moves on women are these: •  They think women don’t move that fast, at least not with guys like them •  They don’t think they’ve done a good enough job exciting their women •  Even if they know they’ve done a good job and can tell she wants it, they feel afraid Lesson 3

146

Waiting too long can sabotage a man’s chances with a woman because: •  She may become disappointed you did not make a move, and give up on you •  She may lose respect for you as a man for not going for what you so obviously wanted •  She may meet another man while you are waiting whom she also likes yet who is not so inclined to wait Lesson 3

147

Many women will tell you they would never sleep with a man in fewer than 3 dates. A great many of these same women have hooked up with a sexy stranger hours after meeting him on vacation. Or had that one magical date where everything was perfect and they fell into bed at the end of it. If you create a tailored-enough experience for her, no woman needs some arbitrary 2 or 3 dates to choose whether to sleep with you. Women look for emotion, not a rational, logical, numberedout plan.

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148

The way you can ask a girl out onto any date and never run the risk of a true rejection is via the “Small Ask”. Here it is: We should grab a bite or a drink sometime. Simple, right? Super low pressure. Works almost every time. You’re not saying “Let’s go on a date.” You’re not telling her you want to go climb a mountain with her. You’re not picking a specific time, or even a specific thing – you’re not saying let’s get steak or drink wine on the 17th. You’re just saying we should grab a bite or a drink sometime. This is very easy for a woman to say yes to. It sounds harmless – she’s not agreeing to anything major – and even if she isn’t sure she wants to date you or go to bed with you yet, if she even thinks you might be an okay friend it’s easy for her to say yes to. Lesson 3

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The Small Ask is virtually rejection-free as well, because it’s so unassuming. Women will usually say, “Okay,” and then make up their minds later if they aren’t sold on you... at which point you’ll be using the One Date Texting Sequence and they will want to meet up with you. Even if they decline the ask, the worst you’ll usually hear is, “I’m really busy right now.” To which you reply with, “Another time then,” if you know you’ll see her again. Then try again with her in a week or two (after you build more SAC). Or, if you won’t see her again, tell her, “Okay, well let me grab your contact info anyway and we’ll figure something out when you’re not as busy.” You’ll take contact info with plans to meet up again later from most friendly woman you use this on. Lesson 3

150

Visible status has a big impact on ask success. In 2012, scientists had various men make themselves look high, middle, or low status, then ask women out on the street. Each man would approach a girl, say hello, ask her out, and ask her for her phone number. As you might expect, the higher the man's apparent status, the better his results.* Men who looked low status received a yes only 7.8% of the time. Men who looked middle status received a yes 12.8% of the time. And men who looked high status received a yes 23.3% of the time... almost twice as much as the middle-status men, and 3x as much as the low status men. As important as the ask is, you must combine it with good fundamentals for the best possible outcomes. Sharp dress, good grooming, excellent posture, and all the rest. Come across higher status, and you'll make your date-getting much easier.

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* Guéguen & Lamy, 2012

151

It’s almost never worthwhile to make asking women out a big deal. It turns the pressure up, makes a girl freeze up or get defensive, and generates coldness and rejection for you. The one time it may be worthwhile is if you’ve been pursuing a woman for a while and she’s already brushed off more ambiguous invitations, yet there’s still a flirty vibe between you. In this case, making one big, playful, over-exuberant invitation can sometimes work: “Caroline, we must stop these games at once! I must have you. You know this to be true. Let me take you out – anywhere is good with me, so long as you and I are together!” Don’t make this your first invite though, and don’t do it with a girl you don’t already have a good, playful vibe yet. And don’t be too serious! Lesson 3

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To do everything in just one date, you must: •  Have decent-enough fundamentals •  Be willing to take risks to get her •  Focus on her and provide a great experience You don’t need to be Superman. Most of the men women meet are boring – you just have to be better than these men by 20 or 25%. Lesson 3

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A script is the sequence of events or steps you plan to follow in a situation.* Dating scripts tell you how to progress from one stage to the next... So much so that most people (males and females) can look at a jumbled series of steps and put those steps back in the right order (e.g., hello comes before kiss, etc.).† Scripts are more outlines or skeletons to follow than exact steps to follow in all circumstances. People flesh out their scripts to suit their situations.‡

Within dating scripts, men normally focus on*: •  • 

Orchestration (plan the date, drive, pay) Initiation (ask her out, make moves toward sex)

… while women focus on : •  • 

Waiting (for the man to initiate) Accepting or rejecting their dates’ moves (you make a move, they say yes or no)

The more experienced the dater, the more ingrained these scripts tend to be, the more men and women hew to their respective sex roles. This is one reason why it’s important for you to handle the date planning and orchestration; this is seen as the man’s domain. Surrendering it only works when she’s driving hard toward intimacy.

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* Rose & Frieze, 1989, 1993

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When you break expectations, this can be exciting... if you break expectations the right way. e.g., you break expectations in a way that generates arousal (breaking rules, for instance). Or a way that leads to a stronger connection (quickly connecting with her via deep diving). If you can get women to operate off-script, you’ll reduce the resistance you face from them too. Because resistance is a part of the script, causing a woman to abandon her script impels her to “make it up as she goes along”... thus freeing her to do what she wants to do instead of what she feels she should do. Some common expectations of women on the first date are that strangers will not have as intimate a connection as friends would, and that you won’t go any further than lightly kissing.* If you plan to do it all in one date, these are expectations you’ll have to break.

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* Morr & Mongeau, 2004

156

Dating scripts change as society evolves. It typically takes some time following social changes for dating scripts to catch up. For example, sociologists expected social changes in 1960s America to lead to looser sexual mores on university campuses. However, these changes did not become apparent until the 1970s.* Not everything changes; some scripts are the same across cultures.† Yet as the scripts that change do change, people will try to approve or disapprove of the new scripts that emerge. The aging playboy whose female partners all stay the same age attracts both ridicule and envy, from different sides supporting or deriding his lifestyle, for instance.‡ You can expect to face pushback from people objecting to you doing things differently (which means in most times and places, it probably won’t be prudent to advertise your use of the One Date). Lesson 3

* Reed & Weinberg, 1984; Sherwin & Corbett, 1985 | † Abelson, 1976 | ‡ Simon & Gagnon, 1986

157

Date templates are formats for structuring your dates to achieve the best tailored-to-her experience without you having to figure out too much of what to do on the fly. They are logistics + dating script. Think of them as roadmaps you follow on a date: do this, go here, make this happen at this time. These roadmaps let you create consistent results from your dates. Lesson 3

158

The informational date is the date you use when you didn’t have much time with a woman (or otherwise feel like she doesn’t know you that well) and it’ll be hard to sleep with her in one date. When you use the informational date, you are usually aiming to sleep with her in several dates, not one. This is still okay so long as you have a clear game plan you’re following and are not just doing “whatever.”

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159

You lay an informational date plan out like this: 1.  2.  3.  4.  5.  6. 

Meet for something light (lunch, a coffee) Plan on a date that lasts 30 to 60 minutes Chat with her, don’t go too deep, have fun Focus on making her comfortable with you Also focus on challenging her a little bit Be the one to end the date, on a high note

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160

A structured date is what most of your one date plans will look like. This is a date where you structure in multiple experiences into a single date. You go hiking, then get coffee or ice cream, then take a walk by the beach, then head back to your place to unwind or make dinner. Because there are multiple experiences with different emotional hues to them, you can make one date contain more experiences than most men create in six or seven dates... and sleeping with her at the crown of a date like this is natural. Lesson 3

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One example of a structured date layout: 1.  2.  3.  4.  5. 

She picks you up at your place You go have a light lunch together You then go to an arcade to play games You grab ice creams after You return to your place together to unwind

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Another example of a structured date layout: 1.  2.  3.  4.  5. 

She meets you at your subway station You walk somewhere close to grab lunch After lunch, you head to a bookstore nearby You then have drinks on your rooftop After, you walk to your place to watch a film

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And another: 1.  2.  3.  4.  5. 

You pick her up outside her place The two of you sit and chat in the car a bit You drive to a pool hall and play some pool Afterward, you grab a drink at the bar You drive her back to your place to relax

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My own go-to date plan: 1.  2.  3.  4.  5. 

Have her meet you at your subway stop Take her to a café near your place; eat/talk After an hour or two, invite her up for a film Throw on the news or a music video Sit with her, kiss her, and get intimate

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165

The easy date is where you have her come straight to your place for the date. This works when she’s very attracted to you. You can have her come over to cook dinner with you, or just to mix some drinks and relax. If you use this date when she’s not very attracted to you, it can be difficult to create a good enough experience in your place for her to want to get intimate with you. Save this for women who really like you.

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166

One snag of the easy date is transitioning into touching, kissing, and sex. With other dates, it’s easy enough to bring a girl back to your place already sufficiently ready to go and kiss her within 10 minutes. On easy dates, you can do this sometimes, but much of the time you need to give her time to relax in your place and talk with you a bit. Yet by that time it may seem awkward and out-of-the-blue for you to kiss her. The trick to transitioning during an easy date is to have a move of some sort, at some point – as you do it, or just after, spin her around and kiss: •  As you both move from watching movies on the couch to watching in bed, •  As you both get up to go mix another round of drinks together, •  Or as you both get up to go use the bathroom, for instance. Lesson 3

167

Similarity, arousal, and compliance match to date templates as follows: •  Similarity = structured: you need a structured date to build similarity. However, you can use a structured date with fewer steps. For example: meet her somewhere, walk to a café or dive bar, establish similarity (+ a little arousal and compliance), then take her home •  Arousal = structured: you’ll use a structured date for arousal-building too. However, you will generally want a date structure that makes for more opportunities to build arousal. This means less sitting and more doing – arcades, jogs, window shopping somewhere expensive and trying on clothes, ice-skating, a good comedy show. Make sure the structure ends back at yours though •  Hookup = easy: if she’s highly (and happily) compliant with you, it’s a hookup date – which means, an easy date. Get her home with you ASAP Lesson 3

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Here’s how you pick a template: 1. 

If she doesn’t seem that eager to meet you, pick informational. You’ll fix your SAC on this date, then exit quickly and let your new impression gel in her mind.

2. 

If she’s clearly into you, but not super into you, pick structured. This is what you’ll use the majority of times when you make a good first impression and she’s attracted, but not head-over-heels (or hurting for a hook-up). You use this date to create an incredible experience for her… one that ends in intimacy.

3. 

If she’s super into you, or she clearly just wants to hook up, pick easy. The easy date is you essentially saying, “We’re going to do this; she knows we’re going to do this, and anything where I woo her or provide a non-sexual experience will frustrate her… so let’s get to the point.”

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To do it all in a single experience, you will usually need either a structured date (usually) or an easy date (if she’s really into you, or really hurting for it). Occasionally, if you do great on an informational date, and you don’t have plans or need to rush off, you can turn an informational date into a structured date. From there, you take her somewhere else, then take her home. This is less common, though.

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170

You will vary the steps of a structured date based on whether you need to focus on similarity with a girl, or on arousal more. If similarity, you want something intimate and subdued. Something with fewer steps, where the focus is square on the conversation. If arousal, you want something exciting and stimulating, with more steps, yet that is still intimate / “you two versus the world.” You’ll want it to be a date that gives you ample time to chat with her and create a little similarity / build a little compliance... while you also surprise her, excite her, flirt, and break the rules together. Lesson 3

171

On a structured date, you have two options: 1.  Start light and go deep 2.  Start light and stay light This should depend on your read of the girl. If she seems like she really just wants to have fun, don’t go deep, because that’ll kill the mood for her. On the other hand, if she’s clearly looking for a real connection, you’re going to need to talk about something substantial... sticking just to banter will disappoint her. Lesson 3

172

A man with a compelling sexual vibe can ignore touch, and create a great deal of tension with the absence of touch. The girl will want to touch him, yet he barely touches her. She comes to want it even more. For most men though, including all beginners, touch is suggested, recommended... even mandatory. Touch is how you tell her you’re going to give her more than just good conversation and a nice time. And touch is how you get her comfortable having your hands on her. You’re going to need that comfort for what comes later.

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173

Touch has a ripple effect of prompting girls to flirt more, touch you more, and get closer to you. This is due to a “permission” effect: once you’ve touched her, she feels allowed to now touch you without being too bold. You made the first open move; now it’s okay for her to follow. When your touch is well received, it also helps reinforce to you that your touch is wanted. Which improves your confidence, creating another ripple effect throughout your own flirting and fundamentals. Lesson 3

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Just some of what happens when you touch a girl: •  She feels better toward you and rates both you and the environment she’s in more highly* •  Similarity goes up and she feels more understood† •  It lowers her status relative to you (unless she touches you back or is equal to you in status)‡, while positioning you as higher status, more dominant, warmer, more expressive, and more assertive§ – all qualities attractive to women

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* Fisher, Rytting, & Heslin, 1976 | † Flaherty, 1999 | ‡ Summerhayes & Suchner, 1978 | § Major & Heslin, 1982

175

Some of the best ways to touch on a date (before you’re back at your place): • 

Take her hand(s) when you first meet, and give them a squeeze (don’t shake)

• 

Have her sit next to you, and sit close – have your leg touching her leg the whole time

• 

Touch her as you make points: touch her elbow, upper arm, and eventually stomach, side, and thigh, as you tell her things

• 

If you cross the street, guide her with your hand on the small of her back, or put your arm across her front to block her if she’s about to cross without checking traffic

• 

Later in a date that’s going well, you may opt to hold hands with her, give her a piggy back ride, or have her rest her head on your shoulder (if you’re traveling in a bus or train)

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176

Women use incidental touch more often than men do. That means more touches like: •  •  •  • 

Brushing up against you Tapping your arm as she speaks Dusting off your clothes Nudging or punching you playfully

Women use romantic touch about as much as men, though they use sexual touch less.* Lesson 3

* Jones, 1982

177

The best times of day for dates are: • 

Informational dates: a weekday lunch (11 AM or 12 PM) or weekend afternoon coffee (anywhere between 1 PM and 3 PM) are ideal. You’ll only meet for about 45 minutes, and want her to feel safe and feel there are time constraints. This makes her more likely to come out, and less guarded on the date.

• 

Structured dates: any day you both have a lot of time, and the earlier the better. Aim for a 10 AM or 11 AM start if possible. Even if you only spend 2 or 3 hours on the date before you take her home, you want to make ensure enough of a time cushion. That’s so she doesn’t feel like she needs to end the date early to rush off for something else. Sundays at 11 AM have long been a favorite date time of mine.

• 

Easy dates: any time where she has 2 or 3 hours free works. Nighttime is often better, since it sets a better mood for seduction. Earlier in the night is best – 8 PM, for instance. Too late and she may need to end the date to get to bed so she can be up in time the next day.

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178

Inexperienced men often think it savvy to take a girl to a party or a nightclub. They hope the energy of the place will “get her in the mood.” This is usually a bad decision though, for the following reasons: • 

Too many distractions: unless she’s already so into you she’ll hang off your arm the whole time, you’ll usually have to compete for her attention with all the other things going on in the environment.

• 

Potential competitors: if she isn’t super into you, and happens to meet a man she is super into at the party date you take her to, woe is you. Taking a girl you haven’t slept with to a party is like taking a pack of jerky into a pen full of hungry wolves. You may make it out with your limbs intact and the jerky still in your hands, but was the risk worth it?

• 

You will be judged: are you the coolest, hippest, most connected man at the party? Because women judge you constantly versus the men around you... especially when deciding whether to sleep with you or not. If you’re in a tranquil coffee shop, there usually won’t be any other studs around to put you in a poorer light. Ditto if you meet up at an arcade, or go on a picnic, or hang out at your place. But take her to a party, and all bets are off.

The exception: if you take a girl to a party where you are highly socially proofed (everyone knows you and loves you), and even better, if you are preselected (attractive women openly flirt with you in front of her), and you are able to keep most of your attention on your date and maintain attainability, this can make it all but assured she ends up with you. But you need your ducks in a row to pull this off. Lesson 3

179

Kissing too early can often ruin the mystique, especially if you let her end the kiss first and control when you kiss and how much. However, there are some situations where it makes sense: • 

You can kiss her on the cheek as thanks for doing something for you

• 

You can pull her aside and kiss her suddenly and spontaneously. Then end the kiss and continue on like nothing happened

• 

You can kiss her passionately early on. Then end the kiss and say, “What are we doing, I don’t even know you yet” and continue to build similarity

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180

This concept is simple enough: If it’s easier or more comfortable for her to say “no” to you, she will probably say “no.” If it’s easier or more comfortable for her to say “yes” to you, she will probably say “yes.” Your job is to make it easier and more comfortable for her to say “yes” to whatever you ask her to do. Lesson 3

181

The easiest ways to streamline the “hook up with her” or “make her your girlfriend process” are: •  •  •  •  • 

Improve your fundamentals Build an end-to-end process (and follow it) Stick to SAC (similarity, arousal, compliance) Pick the right dates for the right girls/situations Always have the end in mind (usually: sex)

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182

Fun dates can be really effective, but a lot of men use them wrong. Fun dates include: •  •  •  • 

Amusement parks Ice-skating rinks Laser tag Arcades

… and the like. The way to use fun is to sandwich it between conversation, and to have a lot of playful banter and physicality throughout your fun dates. It’s also important to capitalize on the energy physical activities like ice-skating and laser tag whip up. Research shows acute (i.e., intense) physical activity increases sexual arousal.* But she’ll lose interest in you if you prime her, yet fail to deliver.

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* Meston & Gorzalka, 1995

183

You can use the one date process at any point with a woman... even after you’ve just met. For instance, if you meet at a bar, you can move her around the bar, talk with her there, take her to a latenight diner, then back to your place for a nightcap. That’s a structured date. Or if you meet her at a grocery store, you can banter and flirt with her there, then take her straight back to your place to cook dinner. That’s an easy date. Lesson 3

184

The basic steps you must follow on every one date (any experience with a girl where the end goal is physical intimacy): 1. 

Test her interest level right away to see if you can skip steps. How aroused does she seem, is she being more combative or compliant, etc.

2. 

Begin with playful banter and light touches to build a dynamic, sexual vibe

3. 

Move her soon into the date – the first move (or venue change) should come within 10 minutes

4. 

If she is playful: continue to tease and banter with her while you escalate touch and get more investment from her. If she is reserved: move to deep diving while you sprinkle in playfulness and banter to keep things from getting too heavy, and continue to escalate touch and compliance.

5. 

Break the pattern: change from what you’ve been doing into doing something else, before the earlier part of the date gets stale. This can be anywhere from 20 minutes to 2 hours into whatever you were doing earlier (sitting and talking, playing at an arcade, going on a hike, shooting pool)... but you must change before the energy drops, or it’ll feel like you’re clueless or scared. At that point, her interest in you will begin to fade.

6. 

Take her home: at some point, usually following a high point, you must invite her home. You can do this by asking her to go watch movies, cook dinner together, or have a nightcap. Or you can even just tell her you want to relax and unwind together.

7. 

Make your move: the easiest way to do this is to kiss her within 10 minutes of having her back at your place.

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185

When you’re new (and often even when you’re not), you should spend an hour or two planning the logistics of each date you go on. It’s good to write it down. If you want to bring the date plan with you on a piece of paper, this can serve as a reminder of what you need to do. You can sneak a peek at it when she’s in the restroom, or just put your fingers on it in your pocket to remind yourself. Lesson 3

186

Ignore the error if you can do so in a socially savvy way, or briefly address it if you can’t (“Whoops, that wasn’t a good idea. Okay, how about we X instead”). Either way, course correct and find a way to keep momentum rolling on the date. Keep things fun, intriguing, and sexually exciting for her (don’t stop touching her or playing with her). Lesson 3

187

When a girl signals she wants you to take things to the next step and you miss these signals, what happens next depends on her personality, her situation, and how much she likes you. If she only kind of likes you, that may be the only chance you get. Same if she has a hot temper (“All right, screw that guy, he’s blind”). Or she has a lot of options (like in a bar) and there’s not a lot of difference to her between them and you. On the other hand, if she really likes you, and her other options aren’t as awesome as you, you may miss some windows like this and still get more chances from her to escalate. Don’t bet on this though. It’s just good form to take the opportunities you get with her. Lesson 3

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Some of the ways a woman will signal she’s ready: • 

She suddenly gets quiet and lets the conversation die. Act fast on this sign or it gets awkward for her... she feels like she made it obvious and you rejected her if you don’t act.

• 

She asks you logistical questions that seemingly come from nowhere. “Where do you live?” “Do you have roommates?” “Do you have a girlfriend?”

• 

She starts stroking a bottle or cup or other cylindrical object the way she might stroke a penis. She’s thinking about stroking yours, is usually what this means.

• 

She slips into “bedroom mode.” Droopy eyes, wistful smile, voice becomes more feline / seems to have a purr to it, cheeks flush, body relaxes, other signs like this.

• 

She gets closer to you or becomes noticeably more touchy with you.

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189

Date compression is when you take a girl on multiple dates, but compress all these dates into a short period of time. For instance, 3 dates in a week, or 4 dates in two weeks. If you don’t feel ready to do it all in one date just yet, you can use date compression to spread your courtship across multiple dates, yet still have it all happen fast. If she likes you, she will be excited to see you more often – women rarely object to whirlwind romances.

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You will usually use different dates at different stages of date compression. For instance: 1. 

Date #1 could be a group activity, or an informational date

2. 

Date #2 might be a restaurant, then ice cream

3. 

Date #3 might be another restaurant, then drinks, or you invite her home, or you end the date. Or maybe it’s a fun date. Or you may just invite her straight to your place for Date #3 (an easy date)

4. 

Date #4, if you get this far, will usually be an easy date: invite her to your place to cook dinner

All this can happen in 1 or 2 weeks – it needn’t take long. Lesson 3

191

Jamming a bunch of great experiences into a short amount of time... whether in just one date or one first experience, or across several dates spaced not so far apart in date compression... is an extremely effective way to turn strangers into lovers. The reason this works so well is because it is exciting, unusual, and wonderful. It’s also much like the stories women watch in romance movies or read about in romance novels. In other words, it is like women’s fantasies... where they connect with a man so well, and share such wonderful experiences, that they don’t want to wait, and don’t have to wait. If you can give her that “I don’t want to wait” feeling, you don’t have to take the plodding pace most men take (that often ends with the girl losing interest and the guy’s effort being for naught).

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192

No. Do not call what you’re doing a “date.” Just tell her you’d like to grab a bite or a drink with her. Tell her you’d like to see her. That you enjoy spending time with her. Leave it ambiguous exactly what this is. Don’t use words that a woman may have preconceived notions attached to (“Well, if we’re dating, I expect him to X”). Lesson 3

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It’s important you be the first to end things, like: •  •  • 

Ending dates Ending kisses Ending conversational threads

… as well as to be the first to make moves, like: •  •  • 

Changing venues Inviting her home Initiating kisses

The reason this is important is because it puts you in an active state of mind, and her in a receptive state of mind. That means you get to lead, while she follows. Which means things are more likely to go how YOU want them to go. Even if she wants to go to bed with you, don’t trust her to lead things there – she does not have a process. You, on the other hand, if you’ve been paying attention to this course, do. Lesson 3

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If she proposes leaving or ending the date, or ends a kiss, or anything along those lines, before you do, you have two (2) options. 1. 

Let her end it and make it as tiny a deal as possible. Don’t make any jokes, don’t protest, don’t act surprised, just be totally composed about it and continue on as if nothing happened. This minimizes the effect of her action.

2. 

Delay ending it... then YOU end it. For instance say she ends the kiss. You say, “Okay...” then pull her in and say, “Wait, one moment,” and kiss her again. Then you push her gently away and say, “Okay, get off of me,” with a smile. Or say she says she wants to go; you say, “Okay,” pause a moment, then say, “Hold on, before we do...” and ask her something. A minute later, tell her, “Okay, let’s get out of here.”

Option #2 is usually much preferable to option #1. But if you aren’t yet confident enough to attempt #2, #1 is still an okay-enough option.

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195

How do you know if you can skip steps? How do you realize you can throw out most of your date plan and just take her straight home after lunch to get together? How do you know you can scrap your plan for a Date #3 and just invite her back with you at the end of Date 2 instead? You know by paying attention to the signals she gives you, and gauging how attracted she is, and how compliant.

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The main signals to look for are the ones we discussed earlier (see: “Ways She’ll Signal She’s Ready”). Look for these, and if you see them, try skipping steps. Another big signal is if you propose something not that intimate (e.g. “Let’s hit the arcade”) and she seems ho-hum (“Okay” [polite smile]). If you get this kind of reaction, ping her with something like, “Or we could head back and put a movie on and I can mix us some drinks.” If she seems more excited about this latter idea, ditch the less intimate offer and go for the more intimate one. Lesson 3

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You can skip all them, in theory. It depends on the girl. Some girls will be greatly into you, and anything short of taking them somewhere private right away will frustrate and disappoint them. They want to get to know you body-to-body, not over a cup of coffee. If you trust your instincts, you will be surprised how often you can skip lots of steps with women. It happens much more than most men realize, because most men ignore their instincts and lack flexibility. Lesson 3

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There is no lower bound on how fast you can sleep with women. The only actual limit is your own flexibility. If a woman signals she’s ready to sleep with you after 20 minutes, 10 minutes, 5 minutes, will you pick up on it? Will you believe it? And will you be willing and able to drop all your plans, figure out the logistics, and make it happen? That said, more typically, you can expect physical intimacy to take anywhere from 45 minutes to 3 hours of face time... not including time when you are not together – e.g. 10 minutes when you first meet her, you take her number, then another 2 hours on the date before you sleep together... if you follow a sound process.

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The assignment for Lesson #3: Spend an hour or two coming up with a solid go-to structured date plan you can use with women you meet. Example: Will you take girls to a nearby café, then for a walk to your favorite ice cream parlor? Will you take them to the arcade, then a pizza place, then for a walk that ends back at your place? Plan your structure out. Did you complete this assignment and share it on the forum?

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The SAC model works like this: • 

Similarity allows women to feel comfortable, open, vulnerable, and connected with you. People feel more attraction to those they feel more similar to, and less attraction to those they feel dissimilar to. The more similarity you establish, the warmer she is toward you.

• 

Arousal allows women to feel excited, “switched on”, and sexually energized by you. They view you as a viable sexual option, and being around you gets their adrenaline pumping, yanks them out of autopilot (nonconscious decision making*), and compels them to start thinking about “you and them.”

• 

Compliance allows women to follow your lead. It gets them used to doing bigger and bigger things you ask of them. Compliance makes it easy for women to say “yes” to what you ask them to do.

Put all these together, and you are an absolute ATTRACTION MONSTER.

Lesson 4

* Lewicki, Hill, & Czyzewska, 1992

202

Wouldn’t it be nice if women chased you for a change? In fact, women do chase men, and they do it all the time. The One Date System and its SAC model allows you to trigger this behavior particularly well. However, when women chase, this chasing is frequently subtle. And not only do most men miss it – most men don’t even know how to trigger it. That will change once you’ve completed this lesson. Lesson 4

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Women rarely chase overtly. Their “chase signals” are usually covert... designed to leave room for women to deny what they were trying to do in the event reputation demands it.* Because of this, women often use what seem to men to be mixed messages... when, in reality, they’re simply chasing after a man they want.

Lesson 4

* de Weerth & Kalma, 1995; Clark, Shaver, & Abrahams, 1999; Ross, 2014

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Some examples of how a woman will chase: •  She’ll tell you the two of you “should hang out sometime” •  She’ll buy you food or a drink without your asking her •  She’ll linger around and wait when you haven’t said you want to spend time with her •  She’ll be more accommodating of you than she is of others •  She’ll touch you proactively (you’ll notice her touching you) •  She’ll go out of her way to talk to or flirt with you •  She’ll initiate conversations with you and fill in pauses •  She’ll tell her friends she’s fine (i.e., to leave her with you) •  She’ll ask you about yourself in a very interested way

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People more highly value things they feel they “created” or “arranged” with their own efforts (like IKEA furniture).* This applies as much to who’s chasing whom in a courtship and doing much of the work, as it does to anything else. When you chase a woman and she sits back and lets you do it, she is not invested. Thus, she does not value you as highly as she could... if she were the one doing more of the chasing, expending more of the effort, and sweating over whether she will get you or not. If you can make her chase, you don’t just become higher value to her. You put yourself in a much better position to get the kind of relationship you want with her, too. Lesson 4

* Norton, Mochon, & Ariely, 2012

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What a woman wants affects her willingness to chase. If she’s just left a stifling relationship, and she meets a very sexy man, she may chase hard for sex. But if she meets a man who seems like a great boyfriend, she may not chase at all. On the other hand, if she’s grown tired of disposable sex and meets a great prospective boyfriend, she may chase him hard. Yet if she meets a merely sexy man, she may have had her fill of that already and not chase. Lesson 4

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Women appear to experience sexual desire responsively, not spontaneously.* That means that men do not “create” sexual desire in a woman out of thin air (i.e., it’s not spontaneous). Instead, a woman who wants sex searches out stimuli (men) who can satisfy her craving for it. Lesson 4

* Basson, 2000

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Women on the birth control pill have different hormonal profiles than women not on it due to effects of progesterone. Because their bodies stop searching for men with good genes to impregnate them, they look less for sexually desirable and genetically complementary men and search instead for stable romantic partners. But women chase excitement, not stability, and when the desire for exciting partners recedes, so does a woman’s tendency to chase.* A woman off the pill is much more prone to chasing behavior, however also generally a better judge of what she wants long-term (women who meet partners while on the birth control pill frequently lose attraction for those partners after going off it).†

Lesson 4

* Roberts, et al., 2011 | † Haselton & Gildersleeve, 2011

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Vasopressin is an aggression-inducing hormone.* This works well with the male sex drive since the male is typically the aggressor and the penetrating partner, and because the male sex drive does not rely on oxytocin, a bonding hormone. The female sex drive is largely influenced by the presence of oxytocin, which makes a woman feel bonded to someone and safe with a male.† As the receptive partner, this likely means she feels safe enough to receive him sexually. Because oxytocin and vasopressin have extremely similar structures, vasopressin can bind to oxytocin receptors and block the binding of oxytocin to the oxytocin receptors in women’s brains, preventing them from feeling connected to you / trusting you. Vasopressin is released more as stress levels go up. This means that typically, you’ll notice as women become more stressed, their interest in chasing you falls... and any sexual tension you had with them begins to dry up. While men can find stressful situations a turn-on, women typically need to feel safe.

Lesson 4

* Coccaro, Kavoussi, Hauger, Cooper, & Ferris, 1998 | † Anderson-Hunt & Dennerstein, 1995; Blaicher, Gruber, Bieglmayer, Blaicher, Knogler, & Huber, 1999

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A woman will begin hunting for a sex partner for many reasons: •  •  •  •  •  •  •  • 

She’s horny She’s lonely She’s ovulating (fertile) She’s just finished a major project and needs a release She’s just broken up and needs to assert her independence She’s fought with her partner and wants revenge or revalidation She’s given up on a guy she likes and wants to feel free again Her friends are all hooking up and she doesn’t want to be left out

The major elements you’ll see in women hunting for sex are carnal lust, a search for freedom, the desire to feel wanted by a man, and a desire to be a part of the crowd.

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A woman will begin hunting for long-term partner for many reasons: •  •  •  •  •  •  •  • 

She’s lonely She wants a companion and love (or someone to love) She’s tired of empty sex with strangers Or she’s horny but only wants sex with a committed partner She’s stressed or depressed and needs a man to center herself Her family members are pressuring her to “get serious” Her friends are all pairing up and she doesn’t want to be the only single Her biological clock is ticking increasingly loudly

The major elements you’ll see in women hunting for boyfriends are loneliness, social pressure, fear of being “left behind”, and the desire to love and be loved in return.

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If she’s not on the prowl, you’ll have a tougher time. It’s doable, but you need more similarity, more arousal, more everything – essentially, you need to be better. Fortunately, by using what we’ll discuss in this lesson, you’ll be coming out of the gates with better everything already. Lesson 4

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A note on VAC (the attraction model). Women are most likely to chase you when: •  Your value is sufficiently high •  They are well-invested in you •  You’re just on the cusp of being attainable If your attainability is too high (i.e., you’re too easy to get), women will not chase because there’s no need to. They’ll assume you’ll do the work yourself if it already looks that surefire to them. Lesson 4

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It’s also important to mind the differences in kinds of value you can convey compared to what a woman’s in search of. A woman who’s looking for a boyfriend may not respond to a man with high arousal value, but will respond to one with high connection value. Alternately, a woman who’s looking for lovers may not respond to a man highly similar to her, but will respond to one who triggers lots of arousal and makes her comply.

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It’s always important to come across as a high value individual. Impressiveness is a part of that. Most men however go overboard to try to prove their value to women and be hugely impressive. The result is they miss the mark on similarity... and come across as either showboats, or statuesque “out of her league” pictures of perfection. Such men are often shocked to watch the women they wanted go home with or start to date men who seem far less impressive on the surface... but who are far more relatable. Not only is similarity crucial to attraction*, but it excites her, too. The more she feels she has in common with you, or the more genuine interest you show in what she says, the more excited she becomes.† Lesson 4

* Kiesler & Goldberg, 1968 | † McFarland, Jurafsky, & Rawlings, 2013

216

Women (unlike most men) tend to require a degree of psychological involvement before they’re ready to engage in sex for pleasure.* Whether that involvement comes from similarity (in the case of connection-seekers) or arousal (in the case of arousal-seekers), or even simply compliance, they still need to feel it before they’re ready to have sex with you. Lesson 4

* Carroll, Volk, & Hyde, 1985

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The big secret to establishing similarity is to get women to talk about themselves, and to look for topics you both share a common interest in.

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You can date women you’re not alike to if you build similarity. Likewise, if you and her are the most similar people in the world she will still not desire you if you do not show her that similarity. Perceived similarity (how similar she thinks the two of you are) is what impacts attraction; how similar you actually are has no effect if she can’t see it.* This is why it is so vital to actually use the techniques and build similarity. No matter how similar you and her are, if you don’t help her see it, that similarity may be invisible to her. Actual similarity trumps perceived similarity if she sees it;† but she must be able to see it, first! Don’t worry if you get a girl onto dates, sex, or a relationship whom you aren’t actually similar to. Once you and her are a couple, similarity no longer matters much.† It mostly only affects things at the start. Lesson 4

* Tidwell, Eastwick, & Finkel, 2013 | † Montoya, Horton, & Kirchner, 2008

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Most women will open up fairly easily to the right conversation. The important parts are: •  Get past small talk: ask her personal questions. Motivational questions are usually best here: “So why’d you move to X city?” “What made you want to be a Y profession?” •  Show interest in her answers: if you’re genuinely interested (often showed by asking more probing questions), and it’s a topic she likes to talk about, she’ll open up about it more. •  Periodically share your own anecdotes: if she says she’s from a city you’ve visited, it’s easy to smile and say, “They have great snows in the winter there,” or, “The Italian food there is the best in the US.” Lesson 4

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Most penetrating questions are motivational questions, because they: a)  Get her to think about why she did something. This is a much deeper, more central part of her and her personality than what she did. b)  Get her to talk about things with you very quickly that she almost never talks about with anyone. And c)  Have to actually think about her answers and probe into herself. This engages her in the conversation in a way that, “How about this weather?” can never achieve. Lesson 4

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Note we do not include: •  •  •  • 

What kind of guys do you date? What was your last boyfriend like? Think you’ll ever settle down? What’s the longest relationship you’ve had?

Anything that makes it sound like you are cruising for a wife, essentially, is off-limits. If she likes you as a boyfriend, she’ll know she’s already got you in the bag (and there goes all the fun for her). And if she just wanted you as a lover, questions like this can make her write you off. Lesson 4

222

Girls are more attracted to men who interrupt them.* While the male conversation style relies on men patiently waiting their turns to make their points, so as not to step on one another’s toes, the female conversation style involves interjections and interruptions that show the parties relate. So, don’t think you need to sit there and respectfully wait for her to finish. If you have something that relates to what she’s saying, interrupt and tell her. She’ll be more attracted to you because of it. (when you do listen to her, don’t forget to nod; a head nod tells her you relate, and asks her to continue†) Lesson 4

* McFarland, et al., 2013 | † Stivers, 2008

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The following all convey greater intimacy/trust*: •  •  •  • 

High eye contact Close proximity Forward body lean Smiling

… while these signs convey detachment: •  •  •  • 

Low eye contact A distal (not close) position Backward body lean No smiling

High eye contact and close proximity + smiling show less emotional arousal... while high eye contact and close proximity with no smiling show dominance and control. Lesson 4

* Burgoon, Buller, Hale, & Turck, 1984; Burgoon, Manusov, Mineo, & Hale, 1985

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If it seems like you’re trying to match yourself to her too closely, or like you agree with everything she says and have no independent opinions of your own, you’ll start to seem fake. The way around this is to share anecdotes and experiences, or things you’ve enjoyed instead of opinions. Let her get a taste of your personality through these (instead of sharing your opinions, which often divide). For instance, you might say, “You know, my favorite thing about travel is getting immersed in this completely different culture where everything is new and I’m forced to pay attention to life and not do things on autopilot.” Even if her favorite thing about travel is the food (or the men!), she’ll still appreciate this. Just don’t differentiate yourself too far. Women prefer men with similar interests to them, after all, too!* Lesson 4

* Touhey, 1972

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Even if you forget to get women complying and you don’t break any rules, doing a solid job on your similarity can still be enough to make women chase after you. They aren’t going to chase you as hard as they’ll chase if you leverage the other two parts of SAC as well, but they’ll still give some pursuit.

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Breaking rules shows you are not a follower... you’re someone who makes his own rules and is able to avoid or at least doesn’t fear the penalties for rule-breaking. Women desire men at the top of the social hierarchy, and skirting the rules is one of the clearest signs a man likely is this. This is why research shows rule-breaking and non-conformance highly attractive traits to women... and among the most important traits in determining whether someone is socially attractive (i.e., “cool”).* Lesson 4

* Baumeister & Sommer, 1997; Coyle & Kaschak, 2012; Dar-Nimrod, Hansen, Proulx, Lehman, Chapman, & Duberstein, 2012; Eagly, Wood, & Fishbaugh, 1981

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Risky impulsivity is highly correlated with an unrestricted sociosexual orientation – that is, taking spontaneous risks tells her you’re a guy who’s comfortable with and casual about sex.* Across the animal kingdom, boldness in males leads to greater reproductive success (at some survival cost).† Further, when you break rules, you likely activate the same “excitement/risk” parts of a woman’s brain she experiences when gazing upon an extremely masculine-looking man, watching a horror film, or crossing a shaky bridge.‡ And this feeling of arousal is tied closely to how she values men romantically.§ Put all this together, and by “spontaneously” breaking a few rules you can communicate to women that you are comfortable with sex, a reproductively successful man, a masculine man, and an exciting man. Pretty good deal, right?

Lesson 4

* Cross, 2010 | † Smith & Blumstein, 2008 | ‡ Dutton & Aron, 1974; Rupp, et al., 2009 | § Aron, Norman, Aron, McKenna, & Heyman, 2000; Coulter & Malouff, 2013

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Arousal further raises a woman’s testosterone (assuming she is not on birth control).* This is a good thing, as higher testosterone levels in women stimulate greater risk-taking†, a higher sex drive, more actual sex, and less worry/fear.‡ Neat, right? Turn her on and her hormone levels surge... and she becomes more ready to risk, more willing to mate, and less concerned with things that might stop her. Lesson 4

* Goldey & van Anders, 2011 | † Sapienza, Zingales, & Maestripieri, 2009 ‡ Buster, et al., 2005; Simon, et al., 2005

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Psychological arousal starts out undifferentiated in the brain. Only after you examine your situation do you decide what caused your arousal.* In other words, whether arousal is caused by fear, excitement, sexual signals, or anything else, it is the same emotion... and she does not interpret it as “I’m turned on” or “I’m frightened” or anything else until she looks at what’s happening around her to decide what’s caused it. Thus, misattribution of arousal is common. Guys use horror movies on dates because the fright creates arousal... and when your arm is around her and you’ve pulled her close, she misattributes this arousal as sexual. But it goes the other way too: a girl may misinterpret sexual arousal you create as another type of arousal. This is where creepiness comes in; she feels aroused, but if you don't seem sexy enough, she assumes that arousal is fear.

Lesson 4

* Tesser & Reardon, 1981

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Over the years, scientists have hooked men and women up to something called a plethysmograph. What a plethysmograph is is a device used to measure blood flow to the genitals. In other words, it lets a scientist see how aroused (or not) someone actually is. What they've found is fascinating. What men claim arouses them is actually what arouses them. Pornographic videos of women turn on straight men, but not gay men. And pornographic videos of men turn on gay men, but not straight men. But women? All over the place. Female sexuality, the researchers have found, is fluid. All types of pornography (gay, straight, lesbian) arouses all types of women (straight, lesbian).* Even watching chimpanzees have sex turns women on.† But what's perhaps more surprising is women don’t realize they’re turned on. She doesn’t know watching two girls or two chimpanzees has aroused her. Blood flow goes up, but her own arousal remains invisible to her. Women who watch these videos claim “no effect.” A 2014 study of flamenco dancers discovered male and female partners become aroused at the same time... yet while the men are aware of their arousal, the women usually aren’t (or only admit to being ‘slightly aroused’).‡ She gets turned on at the same time you do – but she won’t admit it or doesn’t realize it. Lesson 4

* Chivers, Rieger, Latty, & Bailey, 2004; Chivers, Seto, Lalumière, Laan, & Grimbos, 2010 | † Chivers & Bailey, 2005 | ‡ Salazar-López, Verdejo, & Gómez-Milán, 2014

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You guard against a girl misattributing sexual arousal to something else by using enough cues that the sexual nature of her arousal is indisputable.* For example: •  Touch her (better still, make her touch you) •  Use sexual innuendo, chase frames, and sex talk •  Call out positive behavior (“I’m glad you’re closer to me now” “That’s a beautiful smile”) •  Do other items from this lesson to highlight her chasing you Lesson 4

* Cantor, Zillman, & Bryant, 1975

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There is an alternate theory to explain the “scary/risky stuff leads to romantic/sexual feelings” phenomenon. According to this theory, put forth by Douglas Kenrick and Robert Cialdini, it is not that arousal is misattributed but rather that the presence of the other person reassures.* If this theory is correct, merely by you being present with her during a scary or risky scenario, you provide her safety, and thus strengthen the bond with her. Here, your presence actually increases trust – and thus has the same effect as building similarity (which also builds trust). Lesson 4

* Kenrick & Cialdini, 1977

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Any kind of rule-breaking, just about, is good for arousal, not to mention your “cool factor.” However, some rule breaks are better than others: •  Breaking a rule and getting away with it (whether no one catches you, or you talk your way out of the consequences) •  Being a “reformed rule breaker” (I used to do drugs / have trouble with the law / go to prison / etc., but I’ve since turned my life around) •  Breaking rules where you include her in the rule-breaking (so long as you don’t stress her out too much, this is good)

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Women are attracted to men with elements of defying the law in their background.* Different women have different tolerances for criminality. A conservative girl might think a guy who was arrested for marijuana possession once (but now he doesn’t smoke and police officers all like him) is exciting... while to her a guy who regularly does hard drugs and has ongoing brushes with the law is too dangerous.

It’s okay to share your stories about breaking the law if you do it in a way it doesn’t seem like you’re bragging. Essentially, this works best if you treat it like a Byronic character flaw. One she has to work, dig, and peel some masks off to reveal. Also, if you are actually breaking laws and doing time, for all but the most risqué women it’s going to be best if this is something in your past and not your present. Lesson 4

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Usually you’ll be breaking rules, not laws. Breaking laws can make you attractive, framed right... but there’re many ways to get this wrong and make yourself look scary or unstable, too. Instead, you want to break little social rules you won’t get into much trouble for breaking. Just enough to paint yourself as a man who operates outside the usual conventions. This includes cutting the line with her... having the waitress bring you something that isn’t on the menu... being more physical with her in public than is “acceptable”... or taking her somewhere off-limits to the public, like a closed-off rooftop or sneaking into a park or building after-hours.

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Here are some fun rules to (jointly) break: • 

Have her help you leave your belongings somewhere you’re not supposed to (e.g. have her get a guard to let you park your car somewhere off-limits, or find a place to leave your coat indoors)

• 

Talk your way into somewhere you’re not supposed to be and bring her along (a closed wing of a museum, a private airport lounge, a shop or store that’s closed for the day but you still need something from it)

• 

Take her to a backstage or behind-the-scenes area (back stage at a play or concert, take her into the kitchen of a restaurant, into the storage area of a department store, etc.), or have her use an employee bathroom if no other washrooms are nearby

• 

Take her to an off-limits part of a beach, park, mountain trail, or cave (though do be safe, places like this are often off-limits because they’re more dangerous)

• 

In a bar, have her ask another man to buy her drinks for herself and her “friend” (you, but she won’t tell him that), then come meet you with the drink for her and the drink for you after she’s thanked him and left

• 

In a nightclub, take her hand and walk confidently into the VIP section as though you belong there (95% of the time, no one will stop you)

• 

Be overly physical with her somewhere in public or out of the public view, or have sex in public (beach, park, alleyway, dark stairwell at night, behind a vending machine, in a construction site or abandoned building, etc.)

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When you pull a woman along on a rulebreaking expedition (assuming you aren’t up to anything criminal or unsafe), the normal emotions to expect are: •  Hesitancy (“Are you sure we can?”) •  Buy-in (“Okay, let’s do it!”) •  Satisfaction (“I’m glad we did it”) Lesson 4

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It’s almost impossible to be alive and not break laws some of the time. Exceeding the speed limit, driving after a little too much to drink, being drunk in public (if you’re in the US), harmless-but-illegal substances like marijuana. If you’re in the UK, a joke that’s too raunchy, ribald, or insensitive is illegal, and everyone makes jokes like this. That said, aside from the occasional trespassing on private property (don’t steal or damage anything) or the odd noise violation here or there, don’t break laws with women. Not only do you risk going too far and seeming “dangerous” to her, but you risk stressing her out too much (and there goes any sexual tension). You risk having the party busted by the police or security guards (I once climbed a 12-foot gate and went skinny dipping with a few girls in their apartment compound pool after-hours... all was great until security showed up with flashlights in our faces and our clothes around the pool). And you risk getting the poor girl in trouble herself. Just steer clear of situations where there’s any real risk of getting in trouble or causing any harm. Lesson 4

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There are less dramatic ways to build arousal, too: 1.  2.  3. 

Spontaneity and surprise Flirtatiousness, playful banter, push-pull, touch, and risqué dialogue Doing something that gets the blood pumping (riding a roller coaster, attending a comedy show, watching a horror movie, going for a swim together, etc.)

The first two break implicit rules. Rules like how you’re supposed to be reliable and predictable with women so they don’t think you’re dangerous and unpredictable (in the case of spontaneity/surprise). And rules like how you’re supposed to be a nice gentleman with women who doesn’t do anything too bold (in the case of being flirtatious, touchy, risqué, etc.). The third triggers non-sexual arousal. Yet because she’s with you, assuming you touch her and flirt with her, this arousal is reinterpreted by her brain AS sexual arousal. She’ll look for environmental cues to the source of her arousal... and find you.

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The use of improprieties, such as: •  Making fun of someone not present, and •  Teasing the girl you’re courting herself … trigger arousal (by creating “interactive trouble”). Next, successfully navigating the “trouble” you create with improprieties then builds similarity, too.* Thus, teasing, flirting, and improprieties increase both arousal and similarity. Lesson 4

* Korobov & Laplante, 2013

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Arousal works best to get women chasing after you you generate some arousal, but haven’t done much joint arousal-building yet. That’s because once you start breaking rules or doing other arousal-building exercises jointly, it feels like you are “in this together.” At that point, girls don’t need to chase. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Being “in this together” is a later stage of a courtship. It’s also a more stable position in that courtship, and closer to sex than the (earlier) chasing stage. However, as with the other two parts of SAC, arousal works best in combination with its sister elements... though it can be enough to get her to chase all on its own.

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An expectancy violation is when you do something that is not expected. Because you violate expectations, you snap her to attention; this is arousing. Done right, you can increase both similarity and arousal by violating her expectations. There are several ways you can violate expectations. If you violate expectations by closing yourself off or creating distance from her, she feels less similarity. However, if you violate her expectations by drawing nearer to her, leaning in, opening your body language up more, staring more deeply into her eyes, and otherwise communicating greater closeness and immediacy, arousal goes up, and similarity does too.* Greater immediacy also causes her to reciprocate. When you do this, she’ll often lean in and close the distance with you too.† Lesson 4

* Burgoon & Hale, 1988; Burgoon, 1993 | † Hale & Burgoon, 1984

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Helpful/beneficial violations include*: •  •  •  •  •  •  • 

Attentive touch Attentive proximity Forward lean Relaxed laughter Coordinated speech Fewer silences Fewer pauses

Lesson 4

•  Less touching of objects (e.g., a pen or glass) •  Facial expressiveness •  Vocal warmth/interest •  Deeper voice pitch •  Less random movement •  More vocal attentiveness

* Coker & Burgoon, 1987

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Our third step in SAC is getting small favors from women. This works because the more someone invests in you, the less she wants to let you go (the “sunk cost effect”).* And the more she rationalizes that for her to have invested this much, you must be a good investment. This is the opposite of what most men do... where they try to invest in women as much as possible to prove how reliable and trustworthy they are. Or where they try to do things to make her feel “obligated.” When you invest a lot and she invests little, she doesn’t feel gratitude to you or admiration for you. She just feels like for whatever reason, the two of you simply didn’t “click”. The way around this is not to invest so much yourself, but to get her to.

Lesson 4

* Coleman, 2009; Norton, Mochon, & Ariely, 2012

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Many men use a reciprocity approach to dating. Here, the man invests in a woman with the expectation that she will then feel obligated to spend time with him, get to know him, go out with him... or even sleep with or date him. The problem with the reciprocity approach is that people can tell when someone’s intentions are to get something back for their kindness and gifts... and they resent it.* This approach may work for, say, a beggar pressing a flower into your hand and asking for a donation. But it’s not an effective approach for bigger decisions (like whether to go out on dates with a guy, sleep with him, or become his girlfriend).

Benjamin Franklin writes that during his government service, he made an enemy inside the government. He wanted to make this man a friend instead of an enemy, and came up with a plan to do so. One day Franklin wrote the man to ask if he would loan Franklin a rare book from his library. The man agreed, sending over the book. Franklin promptly read the book and returned it with thanks a week later. The next time the two men met, they discussed the book, set their enmity aside, and eventually became lifelong friends. Franklin remarked that those who’ve done you favors are much more likely to do you more favors than those you’ve done favors for yourself. If you want her to do for you, then start by asking her to do for you.

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* Franklin, 1793

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The Breadcrumb Principle is simply this: if you want a girl to date you, come home with you, sleep with you, or become your girlfriend, don’t have her stumble through the woods to get there. Instead, leave a little trail of breadcrumbs she can follow to along the way. Once she complies with a smaller request, she is more likely to agree to larger ones after.* Thus, the breadcrumbs you use are the small favors you ask her for. Every time she complies with you, she makes another small decision to invest in the courtship... and in you. What men usually do is they leave no trail of breadcrumbs. Instead they wait until they want to ask a girl to do something important and then just take the whole loaf of bread and dump it on the ground somewhere. By instead laying a trail, a little at a time, you allow her to avoid any giant, intimidating decisions... and instead let her continually make smaller, easier decisions on the road to intimacy with you.

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* Freedman & Fraser, 1966; Gross, Wallston, & Piliavin, 1975

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When a girl complies with you, you activate a dominancesubmission frame in her mind.* That means that her compliance implies her submission. While you might not like to submit to compliance demands yourself, bear this in mind: men and women comply differently. Women comply significantly more to demanding requests than men do.† They are different from you in this way. Women respond better to strong male leaders. As a woman submits to you, she becomes increasingly willing to do what you ask her to and to follow your lead. You put yourself in position to lead the courtship where you will. Lesson 4

* Solomon, Dillard, & Anderson, 2002 | † Kleinke & Singer, 1979

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You should start to ask a woman to invest in conversation the moment you start to speak with her. This screens out some women who just aren’t interested in you, but every other girl will comply.

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Easy favors to ask her for early on into chatting: •  Ask her to move a few feet over with you

•  Ask her to scoot over and make room for you if she’s seated

•  Ask her to give you her hand and show you the bracelet she’s wearing

•  Ask her to come join you at your table if you’re the one sitting

•  Ask her to turn around and let you see the dress she has on

•  Ask her to tell you about herself •  Ask her to watch or hold something for you for a moment

•  Ask her to let you have a sip of her drink •  Ask her to give you directions

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252

Across a wide range of personality measures studied in doctor-patient relationships, the only one that affected compliance was similarity.* More to the point of courtship, if a girl feels dissimilar to you, you will have a hard time getting compliance from her. If she is compliance resistant, odds are she simply doesn’t feel similar enough to you yet. Lesson 4

* Burgoon, et al., 1987

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When you ask for compliance and touch at the same time, your requests are more dominant, attractive, and likely to get a “yes”.* This may be due to the touch-status effect: high status men touch more†... and people comply more with high status men. Touch, and you seem high status; and people want to comply with you more. The bigger the request, the more important touch is to get her to comply.‡ One function of touch appears to be easing the touchee’s mental burden.§ That is, when you touch her, you make it easier for her to “go with the flow” and just say “yes.” All you need to do is touch her on the wrist, forearm, elbow, or upper arm when asking. If you’re further into the courtship and can touch her in more intimate places (like the small of her back, or between her shoulder blades; or, a light poke to her belly), these work great too. Additionally, touch is an expectancy violation, and one that carries lots of favorable messages for a courtship. Good communicators (and if you’re building similarity and arousal, you will be a good communicator) get the biggest attraction boost of anyone when they use touch.ǁ Lesson 4

* Crusco & Wetzel, 1984; Goldman, Kiyohara, & Pfannensteil, 1985; Joule & Guéguen, 2007; Kleinke, 1977; Nannberg & Hansen, 1994; Guéguen, 2002a, 2002b, 2007 | † Henley, 1973; Patterson, Powell, & Lenihan, 1986 | ‡ Willis Jr. & Hamm, 1980 | § Hornik & Ellis, 1988 | ǁ Burgoon, Walther, & Baesler, 1992

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Eye contact can increase compliance with your requests...* but there’s a catch: it only works if the request is legitimate. If she thinks your compliance request is not worthwhile, you’re better off without eye contact.† For instance, if you tell her “Step over here, I want to show you something”, eye contact helps, because that seems legitimate. But if you tell her “Hey, let me have some of your drink, I’m thirsty” and you’ve just met her, you’re better off without eye contact because it does not feel like a genuine request (you don’t ask that of someone you’ve only just met).

The voice tone you use when you ask for compliance matters, too. Expressive voices receive more compliance than flat voices do.* When you ask her to comply, drop the monotone. Use a little vocal range instead. Lesson 4

* Goldman & Fordyce, 1983

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You have two options when a woman says no: 1.  Minimize it and move the conversation on 2.  Dig in and persist on having her comply The first option minimizes the negative impact of rejected compliance. The second option gambles: if you can get it, you get a big boost from overcoming her resistance in a smooth, effective way. If you fail to get it though, you get a much larger negative hit because you’ve made it a big deal, yet she’s still declined. Lesson 4

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With this strategy, you shrug off her no and roll right on: You: Let me see your bracelet, it’s beautiful. Her: [smiles and shakes head no] You: Okay, maybe later. Anyway, tell me; I’m trying to figure out how to get to Penn Station… Lesson 4

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With this strategy, you dig in and try to get a yes: You: Let me see your bracelet, it’s beautiful. Her: [smiles and shakes head no] You: Oh, come on, I just want to have a look. I won’t bite. [gesture for her to give you her hand] Lesson 4

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If you overcome a woman’s resistance, one of two things will happen: 1. 

If you make her feel good about complying, and reward her for her compliance, you’ll see a large attraction spike

2. 

If you browbeat her into complying, and fail to reward her for her it, you’ll see her tire of the interaction and start to look for the exit

Making her feel good is about being empathetic and responsive to her concerns as you (and after you) overcome her resistance. Rewarding her properly is about showing genuine interest in and appreciation for the favor she’s just done for you. e.g., with the bracelet example, you’d compliment her on the bracelet, tell her it’s a really nice piece, and remark on her exceptional taste.

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It’s best to avoid asking for too many favors of women in groups. Ask for the necessary ones – scoot over and make room for you if she’s sitting, or make room if standing... definitely make yourself comfortable. However, don’t be too imposing in front of her friends. Imposing / favorgetting behavior is attractive to the woman experiencing it, but looks “risky” or “dangerous” to her friends. Keep this in mind: women want the bad boy for themselves*, and the nice guy for their girlfriends. If you act too “bad” in front of her friends (and “good guys” give favors to women, they don’t ask for favors), the friends are a lot more likely to interfere (cockblock). Instead, rely on similarity and a little arousal in groups. Save most of your compliance requests for once you’ve gotten a girl somewhere more private.

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* Urbaniak & Kilmann, 2006

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While it’s possible to start big – you can start by introducing yourself and then immediately telling her, “Hey, I need you to book us tickets to Paris for next week” or “Take my hand, we’re getting out of here” – except in special circumstances this usually won’t work. Instead, you need to start small and work your way up to big. You need the Breadcrumb Principle. So, when you start talking to her, begin with small favors like those we covered on page 246. Then, as the courtship progresses, you may escalate to requesting larger and larger pieces of investment. Lesson 4

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You can assess how likely a woman is to comply with you before you start to ask her for investment. The way you do this is by gauging her little reactions to what you do: •  Is she comfortable when you move close to her or touch her? Or does she seem uncomfortable? •  Is she eager to speak with you? Or does she seem reserved? •  How much of her body is pointed toward you (eyes, head, torso, right foot, and left foot each add or subtract a point)? Lesson 4

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It’s easier to get compliance if you use compliance primers (or build a “yes-ladder”) before your main ask.* For instance, this: You: Hey, will you do me a favor? Her: Okay… You: Will you tell your friend we’d like to have a little private time? Because she’s already agreed to do you a favor or service, she’s much more likely to agree with the request than if you asked without priming her first. Lesson 4

* Meineri, Dupre, Vallee, & Guéguen, 2015

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If you can get a girl to comply with something contrary to her private opinion, she will tend to change her opinion to bring it inline with what she’s done or said.* For example, if she says, “I can’t go with you, I don’t have time,” and you convince her to come anyway while telling her she has plenty of time, she will tend to revise her opinion to one of having more time. Lesson 4

* Festinger & Carlsmith, 1959

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Adding the word “because” to your favor requests increases compliance.* For example: You: Will you wait here for me, because I’ve got to run over there real quick? You: Can you show me your place, because I’ve never seen what the apartments look like in this building before? You: Let’s get out of this bar, because if we stay any longer our ear drums are going to rupture.

Lesson 4

* Langer, Blank, & Chanowitz, 1978

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If all you do is have a woman do more and more favors for you... you aren’t relatable, and you don’t break rules... this can still be enough for her to start chasing you. This is especially true after short interactions. Lots of fast compliance (if she gives it to you) can make her feel as if she’s connected to you very fast, due to the effects of the investment. However, as with the other two parts of SAC... if you want the maximum effect, combine compliance with similarity + arousal.

Lesson 4

267

Women have certain types of men who are on their “approved” lists for sex.* They also have “approved lists” for what sex acts are okay, what times it’s okay to have sex, where it should happen (e.g., a bedroom), and why it’s allowed to take place. You can either fit the mold of a woman’s approved list is and take advantage of that (e.g., you position yourself as the kind of man she likes to hook up with... like a biker, artist, or frat boy)… Or you can work to violate her expectations (via similarity-arousalcompliance) and cause enough excitement in her that she violates her list to be with you. Either strategy works fine. But if you make yourself match what she’s after, obviously it gets a lot easier. Lesson 4

* Gagnon, 1977

268

If you use all three parts of SAC on a woman, most women will begin to chase you. The exceptions are: • 

If you’re clearly chasing yourself. If you’re chasing, there’s no need for her to chase, so she won’t. She’ll wait for you to do it.

• 

If she’s really not that excited by you. Most women will get into you if you do things right (i.e., use SAC). Yet you will sometimes run into women who still are unmoved. So long as she’s still around, complies when you ask for favors, goes along with you when you break rules, and enjoys relating with you, just keep moving things ahead and you’ve got a good shot to make her your girl regardless.

• 

If you take too long. Attraction expires if it’s left alone too long. If you let attraction expire, she’ll stop chasing you no matter how perfectly you used the SAC model. There’s a time limit on every courtship you have... don’t wait so long her chasing turns to giving up, because by that time it’s too late.

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269

Then just march forward with the courtship. Continue to move her along the steps from “hello” to bedroom or girlfriend. It’s nice when women chase, but sometimes you’ll do everything right and they still won’t. Just because a girl isn’t chasing doesn’t mean she isn’t open to sleeping with or dating you. Lesson 4

270

You cannot sit back and let her drive, and still hope she takes things where you want them to lead. Most women are bad at sorting out logistics, planning things so the two of you end up together, and handling obstacles along the way. Further, they often don’t understand basic rules of courtship... like “If I don’t have sex with him soon, one or both of us will lose interest and the magic will run out.” Therefore, even while she’s chasing, you must still subtly guide and direct the flow of the courtship. You must make sure it progresses nicely through all its pre-sex steps so it ends up where you want it to end up. Lesson 4

271

Women will give up chasing you even after you’ve flipped their chase switches if you: •  Wait too long (attraction expires) •  Don’t escalate the interaction (it feels like it’s not going anywhere) •  Do something that puts SAC out of whack (most commonly, you say or do something that hurts similarity / damages attainability and makes her feel like you don’t like or respect her that much) •  Miss too many of her escalation windows (she feels like she’s signaled what she wants with you clearly but you’ve ignored her; so now she feels insulted and rejected, or her arousal just fades) Lesson 4

272

If you want to avoid having her stop chasing you: complete the courtship and sleep with her. Then convert her to a regular lover of yours soon after. In the shorter term, before you hit the bedroom, continue to progress the courtship so it never feels like it is stalling out or “not going anywhere” to her.

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273

When women start chasing you hard over phone, text, or email: •  Understand that some women will chase long-distance who may be more reserved in-person. This is either because they’re nervous inperson or they’re prone to fantasizing about you while away from you in ways they do not when you are actually in front of them •  Also understand that getting sucked into a back-and-forth with a woman over correspondence is counterproductive. If you satisfy all her emotions via messaging, she isn’t going to come see you in person, because she’s satisfied now •  Thus, the goal is to give her just enough that you preserve attainability and build some intrigue... yet make sure that if she really wants to enjoy your presence, she has to come see you Lesson 4

274

Women will sometimes chase after you even if you haven’t used SAC. This can be because you actually did use SAC, accidentally or unconsciously. A girl may find you relatable without you actively trying to build similarity. Or you may have inadvertently broken some rules around her... or asked her for a favor or two. It can also just be you have the right mix of VAC. She finds you valuable, you’re right on the cusp of attainability for her, and she’s sufficiently invested in you... either because you asked her to invest, or she invested on her own (she auto-invested).

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275

Most men do want women to chase after them. And they do try to flip women’s chase switches. The problem most men have is they try to this wrong. They think if they can be impressive enough, women will chase. Or if they can show how responsible they are, women will swoon. Or if they can invest enough in a girl, she’ll be so grateful she goes straight to bed with them. This doesn’t work in practice, at least not in our culture, because women are already swimming in impressive, responsible, doting men. Unless you really are the most impressive man she’s ever met or shower her with tens of thousands of dollars of gifts, this won’t be enough to get her. Even if you are or do, because you haven’t triggered SAC, she won’t actually be crazy for you the way a woman you flip the chase switch on will be.

Lesson 4

276

The assignment for Lesson #4: Make a list of at least three (3) small, harmless rules you can break (without breaking the law or causing yourself problems) while with women... and at least three (3) small favors you can ask women for. Examples: have her meet you the day after you take her number, take her to a café you know and order items not on the menu, then after you leave pull her aside and kiss her in public (three rule breaks). During the date, ask to see an accessory of hers, ask her to guard your belongings while you use the washroom, and tell her to “come a little closer” before you kiss her (three small favors). Did you complete this assignment and share it on the forum? Lesson 4

277

A woman will decide she’s ready for sex once: •  She’s decided you are legitimately attractive (not faking / not creepy) •  She’s ruled out any harmful effects of sleeping with you (losing you as a prospective boyfriend, taking a reputation hit in her social circle, etc.) •  You’ve made her feel sufficiently sexually attracted... OR the other conditions are in place, she has nothing to lose, and decides to just “go for it” Lesson 5

279

Some of the signs a woman can display that can mean she’s ready to move toward sex with you:* •  •  •  •  • 

Pushing her body into yours Pulling you closer to her Sighing Breathing heavily Moaning

Lesson 5

* Beres, 2010

280

Signs she may not be ready to have sex include:* •  Becoming stiff or tense •  Pulling away slightly •  Pausing her kissing for a slight moment If you see these signs, back up a bit, try to identify the element of SAC you’re short on, fix it, and try again. Lesson 5

* Beres, 2010

281

She may elect NOT to sleep with you in any of the following cases: • 

You do or say something out of character to make her question whether you are whom she thought you were. e.g. you were cool the whole courtship, then suddenly behave needy about sleeping with her

• 

You fail to make her feel comfortable enough, even if she really likes you

• 

She’s afraid if she sleeps with you too fast, you’ll lose respect for her. Or, that you won’t want to date her (if she wants you as a boyfriend)

• 

She’s afraid word will get out and her friends will gossip, harming her social status (and thus, her ability to get or hold onto a quality future boyfriend)

• 

You fail to lead her somewhere private or fail to address her concerns about sex

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282

One of the simplest ways you can invite a woman home: •  At some point, you can get up, take her hand, and say “Let’s go for a walk” or “Let’s go on an adventure” and walk to your place if your place is within walking distance

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283

More ways you can invite a woman home: •  You can use a smoother transition like “What say we go have a nightcap and call it a night” or “I don’t know what you’ve got planned for the rest of the day, but how about we go watch a movie?” •  You can use a more direct transition like “Let’s get out of here. I know a little place with good ambiance, great music, and really cheap drinks.” [your home, obviously, but you’re not going to come out and say “It’s my place!” – you’ll kill all the intrigue] Lesson 5

284

One thing you should (usually) NOT do is come right out and say “Let’s go back to my place” or, even more overtly, “Let’s have sex” or “Let’s hook up.” These can work... and when you use them and they do work, the sexual tension and her arousal levels go through the roof. Yet much more often, they take away “wiggle room” and make a girl feel like she has no room to back out if she changes her mind. Women usually want to feel like their options are open, and fight a lack of options. The other problem with being too direct is most women need plausible deniability. They use this to maintain to their friends, themselves, and even to you later (if you end up in a relationship) that “Hey, I had no idea we were going to have sex. He said we were just going back to watch a movie!” Women often use alcohol for this reason; in addition to disinhibition, it provides a ready excuse.*

Lesson 5

* Lang, 1985; Cooper, Skinner, & George, 1989; Ven & Beck, 2009

285

A common theme among women is that “sex just happens.”* There are several reasons why women have this mindset: 1. 

Because you (the man) orchestrate the dates and sex, to her it feels like it’s “just happened”

2. 

Because a woman’s contributions to courtship tend to be indirect and ambiguous, they may often be forgotten by her later during memory consolidation† (leading her to forget having helped sex happen)

3. 

Finally, women have social reasons for wanting to portray themselves as not having wanted or expected sex‡ (i.e., this way she’s “blameless” for the sex)

The end result though is that women both pretend and believe “sex just happens” to some extent... and it’s often important that, if you want sex to happen, you allow them this harmless little illusion. Lesson 5

* McLellan-Lemal, et al., 2013 | † Shotland & Hunter, 1995 | ‡ Dune & Shuttleworth, 2009

286

In most cases, men are the initiators of sexual activity, while women serve as the gatekeepers (who say “yes” or “no”).* That doesn’t mean women won’t participate in the escalation process... Most women will, to some degree. If you’ve built the sexual tension up and she’s excited to hook up, some girls at this point may even become aggressive about sex. Lesson 5

* Metts & Cupach, 1989; O’Sullivan & Byers, 1992

287

If a woman makes a move (like slipping her fingers into your waistband) and you tense up or move off, she interprets this to mean you’re unwilling to advance the courtship.* She’ll view it as a refusal. She may lose any hopes she has of the two of you getting together, and auto-reject. So it is important you learn to be relaxed when women make advances on you – as they often can as they grow more excited – and not tense up, move away, or otherwise act defensive or disinterested. Lesson 5

* Beres, 2010

288

If your place is not an option (you’re staying with friends, living with parents, you live an hour away, etc.), sometimes you can go back to a girl’s place with her. It’s important to know you will try to do this in advance. If you do, you can seed the idea gradually throughout the conversation. Early on in conversation, you can ask her if she has roommates. Later on, you can ask her what part of town she lives in. If she’s close and lives alone (or if she says her roommates are cool), you can attempt to head back to her place. Some ways to broach this: •  •  •  •  • 

“What kind of food do you have at your place?” “Let’s pick up a couple of drinks and hang out at your pad.” “We should go to your place and throw on a film or a TV show.” “Cool if I crash at yours tonight? My place is way far and the metro’s closed now.” “Think your roommates would freak out if you brought a cute boy back to continue chatting after dinner / after the bars are closed?”

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289

If your place is out and hers is too, you still have options:

•  •  •  •  •  • 

Toilet stalls Shower stalls Coatrooms Broom closets Alleyways Staircases

Lesson 5

•  •  •  •  •  • 

Friends’ homes Hot tub rentals Hotels/love motels Parks/beaches/trails Rooftops Backseats of cars 290

Keep in mind if you must escalate to sex outside of a house (yours or hers) you will often need to spend a little extra time making things more sexual, and more romantic.

Lesson 5

291

If you see any of these, odds are she wants to be alone with you: •  She stares at you intently •  She tells you she’s tired, or will probably leave soon, or and clearly is into you... needs to take off soon but no longer initiates (sometimes she means it, conversation (just stares but often this one’s a signal) and smiles) •  She’s positioned her body very near yours, closer and closer as you’ve talked Lesson 5

•  It’s later in the conversation, and she starts to ask where you live and your roommate situation, seemingly out of the blue 292

The transition from public space to private one is an important one to navigate well, because it’s one of the times she’ll be the most jumpy. Will he still be the same once he’s alone with me... or might things get weird? The best thing to do here is to keep the conversation flowing. Keep your chats light – usually banter and repartee work best. It’s better to avoid deep conversation when walking or driving... especially when she’s nervous and her mind is elsewhere. Continue to use touch, but keep it light here too. Playfulness is the order of the day during public-private transitions. Lesson 5

293

If you run into hiccups during the transition... like you reach the train station and the last train’s left, or you can’t find a ride to your/her place... keep the conversation light and playful while at the same time you solve the problem as fast as possible. She’s nervous. She doesn’t want to spend forever walking around outside. She wants to get to where she’s going fast so she can settle in and get comfortable. You need to keep things calm and in motion. The best plan is to have contingencies, and contingencies for your contingencies. If you know you need to hail a cab, make sure you have an app on your phone to hail a hired car too, in case there are no cabs. And in case both of those options don’t work, have a backup plan to take a train or bus to your place and know the routes. Or have a buddy who can drive you. Lesson 5

294

Once at your place, do not dive immediately into making out and sex... unless you were making out the whole walk/ride back, or the sexual tension is through the roof. Instead, usually, you’ll want to allow her a few minutes to get comfortable in your place. Meanwhile, continue to make light conversation and let her see you don’t become a werewolf just because you’re no longer in public. She’ll feel much more comfortable with a man who takes 5 minutes to get her relaxed than she will one who pounces the moment they’re inside the door.

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295

One important and useful rule to have in place at your home is a “shoes off at the door” rule. This is common in much of the world anyway, but not so much in the West. However, it keeps the home cleaner and, more importantly, it gets her to remove an article of clothing the moment she’s inside your place. Just a small article of clothing; seemingly insignificant. But it has that mental effect of taking something off. She’s at once both more settled in there, and a little bit closer to being naked. Lesson 5

296

Things you can do to make her comfortable: •  Get her a glass of water (not alcohol, unless she asks) to drink •  Put the news or music videos on (not movies, TV shows, or anything else that might engross her or alter her mood) •  Offer to hang her coat up for her if she’s wearing a coat (similar effect to “shoes off”) Lesson 5

•  Have a sofa or a loveseat she can sit on, and get chairs out of whatever room you bring girls to (nothing more awkward than her in a chair and you over there) •  Sit next to her on the sofa (or bed), so that your arm touches her arm and/or leg touches her leg... but don’t immediately start rubbing or kissing her

297

When you go to have sex in a public or semi-public location, like a park bench or a beach, how comfortable she must be depends on several things: •  How turned on she is •  Whether/how much you’ve both been drinking Generally, you should aim to be a little more romantic in public. Touch her more, smell her, make it an experience. However, don’t take too long – it’ll get awkward quickly in public if you wait. Also, many women want to experience public sex just for the experience of it... which can remove some of the comfort requirements a girl may have at home. Lesson 5

298

Pacing and leading allow you to manage a woman’s emotional state by first matching her state, then guiding her the direction you want her to go.* Pacing is what you do when you match her emotional or logical viewpoint. This is crucial to avoid her feeling dissimilarity with you and tuning you out. For example, say she’s upset at not being able to find her car in the parking lot. You want to be annoyed as well (so she feels you are both similar), not calm (which will make her feel like you’re not on the same page). Leading is when you then begin to lead the girl you’ve paced toward the direction you want her to go. For example, once she feels similarity with you and you’re both annoyed at the difficulty of finding her car, you can then say, “I can’t believe how poorly they designed this parking garage.” Now she can blame the garage instead of herself for the trouble. I she blames herself, she may feel self-conscious for wasting your time and end the date... So you want to help her avoid this snag. Lesson 5

* Bandler & Grinder, 1979

299

Most people’s sexual scripts (their mental models for how sex should play out) assume sex will happen indoors.* Simply because that’s where it usually does happen in an urbanized society. What this means is if you begin to escalate sexually with her in public, she often will not have a script to follow. Which means instead of try to keep you and her to the steps she thinks things should follow, she’s much more likely to simply do whatever feels right. Assuming you do a good job with the escalation, that means you’ll hook up.

Lesson 5

* Ryan, 1988

300

Tips for having a more sexually appealing/arousing bachelor pad: • 

Have a low light setting, so you can switch on mood-setting lights

• 

A big mirror somewhere in the room can be nice – it can get her to imagine watching herself have sex with you in it

• 

A large picture window with a great view is also nice (high rise apartments are great for this). She can look out the window (romantic), and she’ll feel less “closed in” inside

• 

A nice, tastefully erotic tabletop book like Tracey Cox’s Supersex can be great to have in an easy-toreach location, like the coffee table in front of your couch, with a couple more innocuous magazines

• 

A naughty card game (that’ll spark naughty conversations) like Never Have I Ever can be an interesting conversation piece... or starter

• 

An old secret of mine: have a small, pink Victoria’s Secret bag lying around somewhere in your apartment, almost out of view... but not quite out of view. When she starts asking you why there’s a Victoria’s Secret bag in your apartment, it’s a clear a signal as any you’ll get to kiss her

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I generally recommend time limits you have to escalate with a girl in. This gets you around “waiting for the right moment”... where you realize you and this girl have watched some stupid movie for 2 hours, everything’s gotten stale or awkward, and you haven’t kissed her yet. My recommendations are: •  You must kiss her within 10 minutes of coming home •  You must start to take her clothes off within 15 minutes of kissing somewhere private (like your home)

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The “manhandle kiss” is the kiss you see masculine men give feminine woman in old Hollywood movies. You don’t see it anymore because it’s no longer “socially acceptable”... it’s too risqué. To perform this kiss, you grab the girl’s face and pull it to yours, disregard any resistance she gives, and kiss her. If she still resists during the kiss, you can end it quick (just a peck) and go right back to talking about whatever you talked about before as if nothing happened. Then repeat again a few minutes later. Do this until she either leaves (she won’t) or gets into it and starts to kiss back.

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Men who can use the manhandle kiss: •  Men who are sexually experienced •  Men who have a good instinct of which women want them, and how much Men who should NOT use the manhandle kiss: •  Men who are not that sexually experienced yet •  Men who still struggle with being called “creep” or having women act weird around them, typically signs you’re not good at reading women yet (and shouldn’t try this yet) Lesson 5

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If she turns away or refuses to kiss you: shrug, keep talking, and do a small takeaway if you can. For instance, offer to get her some water... even if she says no, get up to get yourself some water anyway. Then come and sit with her again once you have it. The key is to communicate that you will respect her refusal, yet aren’t discouraged and won’t change your behavior with her. You’ll continue to sit as close to her, continue to touch her the same way, continue to talk about the same things. Your assumption (and the impression she should get from you) should be she does like you, she just needs a little more time to get comfortable. So you’ll give her that. Then try again.

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As fast as she’ll let you! That said, you want to read her signs and back off before she makes you back off. e.g., if you’re rubbing her vagina and you sense she’s about to take your hand away, smoothly glide it off and run it down her leg. This does two things: 1. 

It prevents her pulling your hand away (her being non-compliant), while also

2. 

Demonstrates you will pay attention to her wants/needs and respond to them. This lets her relax with you (and be more accepting of your advances the next time you repeat them)

There is another form of escalation where you focus on teasing women... you get them excited, then back off before they wanted you to. This is a slower form of escalation. While I don’t recommend it for beginners, it can be a lot of fun once you’re more advanced... especially if you like girls HOT for you.

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Last minute resistance is the name of the resistance to sex women give once you start to escalate to sex. The more incongruent your sexual escalation seems from the tone you set during the courtship, the more last minute resistance you’ll face. For instance, if you were relaxed during the courtship, with little hint of passion, then begin to make out with her and tear her clothes off and rub her body in a passionate way, odds are you’ll face lots of resistance. On the other hand, if you were very sexual throughout the courtship, odds are you’ll face less or no resistance. The correlation isn’t perfect, though – at times you may be very sexual, yet still face lots of resistance. Or not sexual at all yet face none. Depends on her.

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The best way to avoid last minute resistance is to screen for and sleep with only highly sexual women. Of course, if you do this, you’ll shrink your dating pool. The next best way is to design a courtship and physical escalation pattern that are highly congruent with each other. Your pattern of physical escalation should feel more or less the same as your pattern throughout the courtship. Lesson 5

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A few examples of matched courtship/escalation patterns: •  The smooth-yet-passionate man. He periodically pulls back and lets women chase during conversations. His physical escalation includes lots of smooth, passionate movements... often interspersed by pulling back to let her chase. •  The sexually direct man. He discusses sex and sexual topics. He makes no efforts to conceal his sexuality during conversation. And he gets right to it once it’s time for physical escalation. •  The plain-spoken man. He is more frank than sexual during courtship. When it comes for escalation, he does things like kiss her a bit, then ask: “Shall we go to the bedroom?” Lesson 5

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Ask any guy who’s spent an hour+ overcoming fierce last minute resistance from a girl. He’ll tell you: by the time he finally makes it into her, she is sopping wet and often orgasms in minutes. Women love to have their resistance overcome by an attractive, confident, yet responsive man. One who overcomes that resistance in dominant ways, without completely strong-arming or steamrolling them. It’s just important while escalating that a woman always feels like she has an “out.” You never want her to feel like you’re an unstoppable escalation machine... or someone who’s trapped her in his sex dungeon.

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The early 21st Century has seen a wave of false rape accusations in English-speaking countries. The most thorough studies find 45-55% of rape reports filed with the police are false reports.* Women filing these reports may have psychological issues. Or they may be university students with politically radical friends who convince them a night of drunk sex was actually date rape... and they need to have their sex partner thrown in jail or kicked out of school. The odds you get hit with a false rape accusation are not that high. Yet, they’re much higher today than they have been at other points in recent history. So do be careful. Make sure you have messages from a partner that confirm she had a good time the next day. If you’re extra cautious, consider setting up a hidden camera to record sex you have at home.

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* Justice, 2008; Kanin, 1994; Rumney, 2004

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Due to the chill on sexual politics, many men fear making moves on women. Men have grown so fearful of women accusing them of being creeps or rapists that they do not try to kiss, touch, or sleep with women... even when these women want them to. But this is like staying out of the ocean for fear of shark attacks. While shark attacks do happen, they’re rare. And if you take the right precautions (like not swimming in shark-infested waters... or not wearing wetsuits that make you look like a seal), the chances you get attacked are very low. Same deal with sex: steer clear of crazy girls. Don’t drink too much. Don’t sleep with girls who are overly drunk. And make sure as you escalate physically to always leave women an out and they always feel like they have an out. Do these things and you’ll be fine. Lesson 5

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The primary concerns women have that trigger last minute resistance are: •  •  •  •  •  •  • 

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“He doesn’t really want me for me” “He’s going to lose respect for me if I put out” “My friends are going to find out about this” “Do I really want to get intimate with this man?” “What if he gets clingy and jealous afterwards?” “What if he won’t see me at all afterwards?” If she’s self-conscious about her body (one breast is larger than the other [true for all women], her weight [even if she’s slim], her breasts are too small, her butt is too big, she has stretch marks, etc.) 313

When a woman raises concerns about sex, sometimes it’s best to brush these off and escalate... while other times it’s best to logically engage and resolve her fears. The best course to take depends on the girl, the situation, and the reservation. Often the best practice is to stay passionate and deflect concerns at first if they don’t sound too serious. Then, if she repeats these concerns, stop the escalation and address what she’s told you. For instance, if she asks you if you always go this fast, smile at her and continue to escalate. If she asks you this multiple times and keeps stopping you though, it’s a real objection. So tell her that yes, of course, if you like someone, you want to be with them, so yes, you move fast.

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When you are highly experienced with women, you can take your time in the bedroom. You will have well-honed instincts and will be able to sense when the right moment is. And you will also have no reservations about seizing that moment. When you’re newer though, it’s imperative you move fairly fast. Still make sure she has time to get comfortable and that you don’t steamroll her. But don’t dawdle. This is for you, not for her. Ever have a girl over and you just got too nervous and never made a move? It’s because you waited too long. Once you’ve waited past a certain point, it just feels weird to do something. Don’t dawdle and don’t put yourself in that position where escalating feels “weird”. Lesson 5

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When you first start to run your hands up and down a woman’s body (after you’ve begun kissing her, typically), it’s important to keep your hands moving. That means don’t place your hands on her breasts and park them there. She will take your hands off, and that sets the vibe back. Instead, keep your hands moving. Move them slowly over her breasts, then down under the breasts, onto her stomach, on down. Then back up. Move them around so she never needs to take them off herself. Gradually accustom her to your hands being all over her body. Lesson 5

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Moving your four fingers in a rough semicircle while your thumb stays largely in place can feel very good against her skin. Another thing that feels very good to her is to start with your hand flat against her flesh and your fingers splayed. Then gradually draw your hand out, palm first, bringing your fingers and thumb together... until they meet in a point as you raise your hand away. This feels especially good for her when cupping her breast. Have your fingers spread around the breast, then have them meet at her nipple and give it a light pull as you move your hand away.

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You can use “push-pull” during an escalation. You do this by escalating ahead and using more sexually exciting and arousing touch and maneuvers... then withdrawing these and cycling back to less exciting and arousing touch and maneuvers. A basic example of this is when you kiss her, then end the kiss before she’s had enough. Lesson 5

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If she takes your hand off her, let her. Simply move your hand to a more innocent part of her body. Don’t return to the part of your body she removed your hand from for a few minutes. Don’t forget to keep your hands moving. If she pushes you away, the best move is usually to roll off in the direction she pushed you and relax. Put your arms behind your head in a relaxed pose and speak with her very casually. Don’t mention her resistance or ask why she gave it; just make light conversation. The key in both cases is to not freak out and not bring attention to her resistance. Treat it like a normal thing, don’t make it a big deal, and then in a few minutes you can try again.

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Times it can make sense to pause your escalation: • 

If you’re not getting anywhere, and it’s tiring you out. Take a break or turn the television on (nothing too engrossing).

• 

If she’s really resisting you and you fear pushing more will make her leave. Instead of push more, give her some time to cool off. Let her decide on her own if she maybe she ought to cut out the resistance and just sleep with you.

You have two options on how to handle things when you pause an escalation: 1. 

Be cold and distant (a “freeze out”) for a while. I don’t like this one. It’s too low an attainability move for me. However, for some men, this seems to work better with their styles.

2. 

Or, keep your arm around her and be warm. Just be less warm than you were during the escalation. This one I prefer. You’re still punishing her bad behavior by removing most of your affection, but not so much she feels you’ve become distant.

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Women have “walls” at different places during escalation. These walls often relate to a woman’s degree of sexual experience plus her level of sexual openness. You will face the most resistance trying to get past a girl’s wall. Yet once you’re past it, you’re more or less on easy street getting to sex. Examples of walls: • 

For a very inexperienced girl, her wall may be something like taking off her sweater. Once you get that sweater off, she’s yours (but you’ll have a heck of a time getting it off!)

• 

For a more experienced girl, her wall may be her shirt or (commonly) her bra

• 

A still more experienced girl may give you no trouble getting her top off, but a lot of trouble getting her jeans or panties off

• 

A highly experienced girl may be comfortable getting completely naked with you, but give you lots of resistance when you try to enter her body

• 

Occasionally you’ll meet girls with multiple walls, or strong resistance 100% of the way, but rarely

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For resistant women, one of the more effective techniques I’ve stumbled upon is the “bursts of passion” technique. The way this works is you summon up your inner sexual fever... and go at her. You go at her with passionate kisses. You grab and touch all over her body. Your mission is to get her so turned on, so aroused you can tear off an article of clothing she’s resisted taking off. Then once it’s off, chuck that article across the room so it’s hard for her to put it back on! After this you can cool off a bit and go back to more normal kisses, touches, and escalation. If necessary, repeat the technique again 5 or 10 minutes later to move further ahead. Lesson 5

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Sometimes a woman will go and gather up her clothes and put them back on. When this happens, it means that: •  • 

She’s fairly rational She’s really trying not to sleep with you

… however, she is still there with you, so all is not lost. Reduce your affection for a bit – don’t reward bad behavior (like her getting dressed) with continued lavish affection. After a time, then start to gradually re-escalate on her. If she’s stuck around, she’ll often be more willing the second go round.

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A typical escalation from first kiss to sex will last anywhere from 15 to 45 minutes on average. If you face a lot of resistance, it can take an hour or more. If you face none, and you escalate fairly aggressively (and go for panties first and not shirt/bra), you can be having intercourse in minutes. Lesson 5

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For very long escalations, sometimes it makes sense to take a break to avoid burning out. Do something relaxing together, like watch television and talk... or have a snack you cook up in the kitchen together (while still being affectionate), like popcorn. Another option is to fall asleep with a girl mid-escalation. Oftentimes you will wake up in the middle of the night or start at it early in the morning and she will be aroused and receptive, ready to mate. The resistance will have magically disappeared.

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A back turn is where you turn away from a girl and give her your back. A freeze out is where you quit body contact with her and stop talking to her or minimize conversation, while you focus on something else (TV, phone, computer). The aim of either is to punish her for her resistance... and make her more acutely feel your sudden lack of interest (caused by her). Personally, I dislike both tactics, and find them bad for attainability. However, there are some men who swear by these techniques. So if you want to give them a shot, anything’s worth playing around with once, I suppose. Lesson 5

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A woman does not need to “like” you to sleep with you. She doesn’t even have to be that attracted to you.* She just needs you to build up enough compliance with her and get her alone somewhere. Men are often confused by this, when women who seem to not like them suddenly come onto them. Or when they hook up with a girl quickly, then never hear from her again. Both are often instances of a girl not really liking or respecting the guy, but still wanting to sleep with him. Lesson 5

* Paul & Hayes, 2002

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It’s important to make your first time in bed together as good as possible, especially if you’d like to see her again. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself that you’re unable to perform. Instead, focus on enjoying yourself immensely... and, once you’re enjoying yourself, then focus on giving her a good time too. Lesson 5

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If she’s still there with you, even if she resists, she’s still open to the idea of sleeping with you. That doesn’t mean she’s convinced she ought to sleep with you yet. Nor does it mean she’s decided to. If she’s resistant, you still have some convincing (or seducing) to do. However, if she hasn’t left, take that as her sign to you that “You’ve still got a shot, buster.”

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The assignment for Lesson #5: Two (2) things to sort out here: your logistics, and your invitations. Where will you invite women to, and what’s your contingency plan? Also, how will you invite them back? Examples: you might invite women back to your place. Your contingency plans are to go to a hot tub place nearby if she won’t agree to your place, or to take her to a back alley behind your date location if things get hot and heavy too soon. For invitations, you might tell her early on about your [X] collection and why it’s so interesting. Or about the fantastic Swiss chocolate you have at home. Then later, invite her back to see your [X] collection or sample that chocolate. Did you complete this assignment and share it on the forum?

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Sex is necessary at most times in most cultures before a woman can truthfully be considered “yours”. In more conservative eras with reserved morals this may not be the case. However, in 21st Century Western civilization, she is not your girlfriend if you haven’t had sex with her yet (no matter how much time you spend with her), except possibly in the case of some very young and very devout religious women. Lesson 6

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People who’ve been naked with one another open up more to each other and feel better about themselves.* Revealing one’s body to someone else is a “peak experience” – a positive, emotionally charged occasion. During sex, and especially during orgasm, the brain releases oxytocin.† Oxytocin is the “trust hormone” (or the “love hormone”). It causes people to trust each other more, relax with each other, and open up to one another. This higher level of after-sex trust and bonding is vital to kick start relationship formation. Lesson 6

* Sussman, 1977 | † Hiller, 2005

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That said, simply because you’ve been physically intimate with a girl does not mean she is now automatically your girlfriend. Sex is a requirement, not a determinant. It’s a necessary step, but it isn’t a signifier of “official status.” Lesson 6

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Why would a woman be willing to sleep with you, yet not date you? There are a variety of reasons. However, these mostly boil down to one of the following: 1.  She doesn’t believe you’d make a good boyfriend 2.  She doesn’t believe you genuinely respect her 3.  She has a boyfriend / prospective boyfriend already, and doesn’t view you as “better” than him Lesson 6

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The only time you can tell a woman you want a “proper romance” with her is if there is clearly a large power differential between the two of you. One where you have sky-high value and otherwise low attainability, and you’re confident she’d want a relationship if she felt she could get it. By telling her, you throw her a bone. Most of the time, you do NOT want to directly state your desire for a romance. Remember this rule: men chase sex, women chase relationships. When you reverse those two, people look desperate. A woman who chases you for sex tends to make herself look undesirable. Likewise, a man who chases her for a relationship makes himself seem just as undesirable to the woman whose commitment he pursues.

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Post-sex, you will rely on VAC (value-attainability-compliance) to make sure a woman continues to wish to see you. If you do low value things (like chase her) or low attainability things (like behave cold toward her), you will harm your chances to take her as a girlfriend. However, SAC (similarity-arousal-compliance) still continues to play a vital role. By using SAC you are able to continue to set up dates she will want to join you on, and fully convert to your girlfriend. Hopefully she’ll be willing to be your girlfriend after your One Date and sex. But she likely won’t be fully converted until you have met with her and slept with her on 2 to 3 separate occasions. For setting up these subsequent meets, SAC continues to play a crucial role.

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If a girl feels and acts awkward after sex, typically both her and the man are to blame to some extent. However, the man is often more to blame. A sexually confident woman is better able to manage things and make the experience smoother and less awkward post-coitus. This can be helpful for less experienced men. Yet if you take a less sexually confident woman to bed, she’ll tend to be much more self-conscious. She will look much more to you to set the tone for how she should feel and react after intimacy. You’ll have to make her feel good.

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The primary reasons she’ll opt not to stay on with a man as his girlfriend include: •  •  •  •  •  • 

She doesn’t feel like they’re all that similar She doesn’t feel terribly invested in him She feels he is unattainable to her She fears he’ll hurt her reputation She doesn’t think he cares about or respects her She doesn’t feel desired for that role by him

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Men often “change” after sex. They alter their behavior and the girl feels like she’s with a different person than the guy she went to bed with. Sometimes the change is the man becomes much needier toward her... he may have suppressed his neediness earlier and acted “cooler” or more indifferent than he is. Other times it’s that he becomes much more dismissive toward her. This can be the case if he didn’t really like her much to begin with and just wanted sex from her. Lesson 6

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It’s fairly simple to avoid changing after sex. To do this, all you do is work to make your pre-sex behavior as honest as possible. It’s very possible to run your courtships without pretending to be someone you’re not. This should always be your goal. It’s much easier to be honest after if you were honest before than it is to pretend after because you pretended before. Lesson 6

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A girl may feel self-conscious after sex if: •  She has sexual hang-ups / is sexually reserved •  She’s had bad experiences with men before •  She fears you may not respect her •  You seem colder or more distant post-coitus

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Some women are more self-conscious after sex in one date. These are often girls on the hunt for a boyfriend, or girls who think men view women as “sluts” if they go to bed too fast. So long as you continue to be the same man with her after intimacy that you were before it, and you assuage any concerns she has, you will not have any more problems with sex in a single date than you would with sex in two dates, three dates, or more. Lesson 6

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If you have sex with a woman in one date and do not build enough similarity/attainability, there’s a risk she sees you as a “playboy.” If she sees you this way, and she wants a boyfriend, she’s less likely to stick around. Once she begins to view you as a “playboy”, you aren’t necessarily sunk. Some women will continue to see you due to intrigue, sexual interest, arousal, etc. However, if a woman is highly motivated to find a boyfriend... and particularly if she is older, done with her “experimentation phase”, and hunting for a permanent partner... her viewing you as a “playboy” is problematic if you want to keep her around.

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The way you get around a playboy reputation is to make sure you build sufficient similarity and attainability. That means you make certain to develop a strong connection with her. If sex happens fast, you can take her for a meal and build this connection post-intimacy, too. It also means you make sure she knows you like her, care for her, and respect her. It’s important too she sees you as a three-dimensional man with a life, prospects, and interests outside meeting and flirting with girls. If you did not discuss these things before sex, open up with her about items that flesh your “character” out after. An attainable man she has a wonderful connection with and who is a deep, fleshed out human being is not a playboy... even if she went to bed with him fast and even if he’s sexy. In this case, he is, instead, more a puzzle. Women love puzzles.

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Sometimes you’ll sleep with a girl, then find out she had a boyfriend. My recommendation in this case is to let her go. You’ve already set bad relationship precedent by having her cheat on him to be with you. However, if her relationship with him is clearly on its way out, that doesn’t necessarily mean she’ll be a bad mate for you. If you really like her, the important thing is to showcase boyfriend qualities without trying to be a boyfriend. Don’t compete with her present man (whom she is more invested in). Instead, make being with you fun, enjoyable, and pressure-free. At the same time, let her realize on her own that not only are you a terrific lover, but you’d probably be a fantastic boyfriend too. Lesson 6

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The secret to showcasing boyfriend qualities without being the boyfriend is to let her catch you using them with other people. That means with her, you are a carefree, easygoing lover. However, she sees or hears about you doing things like: •  •  •  •  • 

Taking good care of your family members Working at a respectable job Planning ahead for the future Working on yourself / conducing self-improvement … and the like.

If you aren’t too obviously boyfriend-y, yet she sees these qualities in passing, she’ll realize she’s discovered a diamond in the rough. While at first you were but a wonderful, enjoyable lover, she discovers you may be much, much more than this.

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You should not behave like a full-on boyfriend after first sex. Whether you take her to bed in one date or you do it in three dates, or five dates, or whatever the number... be calm, be warm, but don’t be a boyfriend. Yet. If she goes crazy treating you like her boyfriend, she won’t care (or possibly even notice) you aren’t fully reciprocating just yet. And if she’s more cautious about you, she’ll appreciate you not chasing her down for matrimony after a single night. People evaluate others by potential, not past actions.* Instead of being an outright boyfriend, be a man she feels comfortable being with who shows great potential to become a boyfriend. Let her see that you might make a great one – but don’t act like it just yet. Let her ease into the relationship... let her work toward it and earn it from you. Lesson 6

* Tormala, Jia, & Norton, 2012

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Even if you’re really excited about a girl you’ve just slept with, it’s important to proceed in a controlled manner. Don’t control yourself so much you start playing games or acting cold; these things will hurt you. However, you must avoid behaving too overeager toward her. Don’t frighten her off with your zealotry, or make her question her earlier, more controlled impression of you. The easiest way to do this is to constantly keep the long game in mind. If this is a girl you want to keep around a while, just remind yourself that you want to still be seeing her in 3 months or 6 months or more... and that to get there, she needs you to let her ease into the relationship at her own pace.

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If you end up dating a girl who’s just going crazy for you from the outset... and you’ll find this is actually pretty common when you’re doing a good job with VAC (for attraction) and SAC (for your dates)... if you know it’s what you want, I think it’s okay to let her speed up the relationship progression. For instance, say you’ve taken this new girl to bed, and she’s extraordinary. She’s beautiful, her personality is delightful, you really enjoy spending time with her, and the sex is great. And she starts to want to see you a lot and is very affectionate. If you know this relationship is what you want, it’s fine to let her see you more often, and return some of her affection perhaps a little faster than you ordinarily would. Just don’t let her go too fast. You’ll find once you start using One Date women tend to fall in love and become devoted quickly, and will often want to fast track your relationships. Yet you may realize once this starts happening that the reason they’re doing this is because they don’t want to lose you... and perhaps you might like to try out some other female options. Lesson 6

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One of the most important things to know walking into a new relationship is your end goal for that relationship. Your end goal helps you avoid bad situations and understand where your boundaries should be. It allows you to keep control of your relationship and help things progress at your pace. For instance, you may know you never want a girl as anything more than a casual sexual partner. Knowing this going in lets you dodge her attempts to gradually rope you into an increasingly serious relationship that you don’t really want... a common trap far too many men fall prey to.

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One of the other functions of a known end goal is to help you avoid mistakes that cost you the girlfriends you really want. If you know you want a girl as your girlfriend, for example, you’ll know it’s better to see her a little more often. You’ll open up to her a bit more, and show her more of your boyfriend qualities. If you are unclear on this, it’s all too easy to treat her as just some girl you’re seeing... never show her the sides of yourself that make her realize there might be a future with you... then, suddenly, she’s ditched the relationship and you’re scrambling to get her back. All this is easily avoided if you simply make clear to yourself what your end goals are from the get-go, and proceed according to them. Lesson 6

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The biggest value problems men have when it comes to retention are: •  Not enough boyfriend value, or •  Not enough lover value The first you remedy when you let her see the sides of yourself that make her say, “Hmm, he’d be a great boyfriend.” The second you remedy by: •  •  •  • 

Continuing to ramp up arousal with her when you see her Making sex a part of every meet you have with her after first sex Continuing to flirt with her, touch her, and be playful with her And by avoiding any weak, needy, or supplicating behavior with her

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The attainability problems you may run into that can impact retention include: •  You seem like you’re out of her league •  You seem like too much of a playboy •  You seem like you don’t respect her The first and third you remedy with continuing to establish similarity with her, and by treating her with warmth and affection. The second you remedy with similarity and warmth, plus by not doing playboy-like things. e.g., not telling her about that wild night you had at the bars last weekend... not letting on that you hook up with lots of girls... not acting like she’s nothing to you and just another notch count, etc. Basically, just be a genuine guy, and not a too-cool-for-school party guy / playboy.

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A (somewhat simplified) retention checklist looks like this: 1.  2.  3.  4.  5.  6.  7. 

Treat her the same before and after sex Except be slightly warmer after sex Make sure to build a connection with her Continue to use SAC on future dates/meets Don’t act like a playboy/party guy Showcase boyfriend qualities incidentally Don’t chase or be needy; just be good to be with

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The assignment for Lesson #6: Examine your behavior with prior new lovers as compared to the Retention Checklist. How often did you get everything right? Look for your own patterns – what you do right, and which items you need to work to correct in future encounters. Did you complete this assignment and share it on the forum? Lesson 6

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In The Dating Artisan Module 1: Making Girls Chase You with SAC, we’ll dive into: 1.  2.  3.  4. 

The psychology of chasing: what happens in her head How to get her to chase in the first 10 minutes Ways to keep her chasing (don’t flip the script) How to make moves when she’s in pursuit

Stay tuned and stick around, because your education on how to grab the highest quality hookups, flings, and girlfriends has only just begun. 357

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