Maxim USA April 2014 PDF [PDF]

Zitiervorschau

W H AT G U Y S W A N T

Hot Cop Chicago P.D.’s

Sophia Bush Handcuffs, Please?

No Lawyer? No Problem!

How to Escape Any Prison

Maxim’s Guide to the

No-Fail April Fools’ Pranks The Navy SEAL Workout World’s Weirdest Sports

Best Drinking Games Ever! Good Times & Hangovers Guaranteed! Several brains were harmed during the production of this issue.

APRIL 2014 MAXIM.COM

TOP, CHROMAT; BOTTOMS, ALESSANDRO DELL’ACQUA, ALBRIGHT FASHION LIBRARY;

/ MARCELO KRASILCIC PHOTOGRAPH

HAT, VINTAGE; RING, DIABOLI KILL; BOOTS, GIUSEPPE ZANOTTI; STUD CUFF, JENNIFER FISHER; WATCH, MICHAEL KORS; BRACELET, EKLEXIC

APRIL

2014

38 I’ve been through sheriff’s training.”

PIN-UPS You have the right to remain drooling! TV’s hottest cop, Chicago P.D.’s Sophia Bush, poses for an arresting shoot. Then its supersexy and hilarious actress Mircea Monroe and a Hotie lingerie specialist.

On the Cover

Photograph by Marcelo Krasilcic Stylist, Michela Burati/Art Department; hair, Earl Simms/Kramer + Kramer using Oribe; makeup, Devra Kinery/Art Department for Lancôme; manicure, Andrea Fulerton/Ford models. Bodysuit, Tom Ford. Jewelry, (from lef), bracelet, vintage; cuf and link bracelet, Jennifer Fisher. Rings (from lef), Char Ant; chainmail ring, Jennifer Fisher; onyx ring, Diaboli Kill.

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We’re going to hell just to bring you the world’s stupidest religions...but not before we ogle Beyoncé, celebrate the high fve, and tag along on Marlon Wayans’ last day on Earth. Whew!

April Fools’ Day is here, so let the guys from Impractical Jokers show you how to pull the perfect prank. Then get schooled on puking in zero gravity and making the ultimate grilled cheese.

28 Stuf We’ve come back from the future (OK, back from a trade show) with some slick new tech. The all-new Mustang GT earns a place in our garage, and the Woman With a Tool earns a place in our hearts.

KAPLAN (HOW TO)

21 How To

(FEATURES); NICK

FERRARI

(STYLE); SAM

10 Circus Maximus

36 Style

Grab a Solo cup and take a gulp of the greatest drinking games ever. Next, break out of prison, learn the dirty truth behind your porn, and meet pitcher C.J. Wilson and his supermodel wife. Lucky bastard.

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88 Hot Sauce You’ve got relationship questions, and rockin’ Hometown Hoties fnalist Rose Buster has relationship answers. And if she doesn’t completely drive you wild, our ofce chaufeur certainly will.

6 LETTERS 92 CREDITS 96 MAXIM CLASSICS

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PHOTOGRAPHS

60 Features

/ CARLOS NUNEZ

(HOT SAUCE); BEN

RITTER

Spring is fnally here, so why not go out and treat yourself to some nice new clothes? Clothes like this sweater!

YOU HAVE E-MAIL.

Odds & Eva

We have an in-box. Send your love and hate to: [email protected]

The Jan/Feb issue had you guys loving and loathing. Eva Forever

Eva Longoria is once, twice, three times a Maxim cover girl [ Jan/Feb]. I applaud you and give you a standing ovation! —Joseph Suazo, via e-mail You’re welcome, and thanks for reading. Side note: If “standing ovation” is code for something, please never write to us again!

Each month MAXIM empties its sack for you. WE GOT IT IN THE MAIL

The Pursuit of Hairiness

To some bald is beautiful. But we fnd beauty in a product that masks deep-rooted insecurities about a growing bald spot. Enter SureThik, a shaker of fbers that you sprinkle in your hair to add girth. It came in the mail one day, and afer a few shakes onto chief content ofcer Dan Bova’s head, his thin hair looked as full as the gorillaesque patch on his back. $10, surethik.com

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Who is the hot blonde with the Makita rotary hammer [“Woman With a Tool”]? —Anthony, via e-mail That’s Hometown Hottie Shannon Ihrke, a Marine Sergeant. America the beautiful!

Words With Dorks Jan/Feb’s Stuf section says that I could use Oakley’s goggles to “home in” on my friends’ locations. If I wanted to “home in” on them I’d drive over and knock. It’s “hone in,” homies. —Kirk J. from Cleveland, via e-mail Kirk, you totally missed the point. We did want you to go to your friends’ house. They’d planned a “grammar douche” intervention. (BTW, “home in” is correct. Check Webster’s.)

Busting MythBusters I’ve worked with hot lead for most of my life, and what the MythBusters say about sticking your hand in hot lead [How To] is the stupidest thing I have ever read. —Nat Lane, via e-mail We’d type a witty reply, Nat, but we’re having trouble because we just melted four fngers of our left hand in a pot of molten lead.

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KATE

Salute to Derek Hutchison for winning Maximum Warrior, but where the hell are the hot female Warriors? —Dayna Walker 1st Sgt., U.S. Army (Ret.) See the answer to the next letter, Sarge.

(EVA); MARLEY

In regard to your Q&A with Army Staf Sgt. Ty Carter [“Maxim’s Hometown Heroes”], he is a Medal of Honor recipient, not “winner.” Our nation’s highest award is not a popularity contest. —Spc. Casey Ashfeld, via e-mail Poor choice of words, great choice of hero. For those who missed it, we profled Staf Sgt. Carter, who received the Medal of Honor for his heroism in Afghanistan. Once again, we salute you!

Kill ’Em With Hotness

/ RANDALL SLAVIN

Our Bad

Fightin’ Words Regarding the Maximum Warrior 4 contest [“Running and Gunning,” November], I’m glad they’re on our side. However, if the need arises to rescue a dozen overweight fshermen from 200 miles ofshore, extract a hiker with a broken back, followed by a fve-hour night search in the middle of the black ocean for an object the size of a volleyball, you’d better contact a U.S. Coast Guard Helicopter Rescue Swimmer. That is, if the 350 of us are not prosecuting other search-and-rescue operations. Keep up the good work. —Brad, via e-mail Shout out to the USCG! Hey, MW 5 is starting up soon. Any Helicopter Rescue Swimmers game to come show your stuf?

PHOTOGRAPHS

In Jan/Feb you guys had a psychic named Laura predict who was going to be in the Super Bowl [Circus Maximus]. She said anybody from the South, something about horses, and the Patriots. If she’s going to be honest, why doesn’t she just say she has no fucking idea? She already picked half of the damn NFL. —Derik Diemer, via e-mail Hold on a minute, Derik, are you implying that a psychic is maybe full of shit? Crazy! Incidentally, “shit” is as accurate a prediction as could have been made about this year’s Super Bowl.

(SHANNON)

Mystic Bullshit

Maxim in Bloom Cure your spring fever with a dose of Maxim digital content. The outdoors can wait.

Um, excuse me, ladies, my eyes are up here.

Maxim.com Check out our list of crazy springbreak crimes, then lock yourself in the hotel till it’s time to go home. Are the men on your TV playing hoops or hockey? Don’t fret—our superuseful sports guide will keep you informed.

Twitter

Instagram

Keep track of the hotest list in the world by following @MaximMag and the #MaximHot100 hashtag. To keep track of the coldest list, follow @Antarctica.

Follow us at @MaximMag to get a behind-the-scenes look at our sexy photo shoots. You won’t even have to disguise yourself!

Facebook Vote in our polls at Facebook.com/ MaximMagazine to pick our next cover girl! It’s like being at our cover meetings, without the donuts and crying.

Xbox

Tune in and see Maxim Action News Team’s Cameron Berkman go deep— baseballs deep!—with Yankees legend Mariano Rivera.

PHOTOGRAPH

/ CARLOS NUNEZ

(TWITTER), EMILY

SHUR

(FACEBOOK)

What does your go-to drink say about your skills in bed? Finish that wine spritzer and fnd out here!

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Flight of the Maxim Reader

chief content officer

Dan Bova managing editor Yeun Littlefield

creative director Paul Scirecalabrisotto deputy editor David Swanson

entertainment director Patrick Carone art director David Zamdmer

director of photography Andrea Volbrecht

associate art director Oliver Yoo

production director Gustavo Gonzalez

photo editor Stacey Pittman

copy chief Kenneth Gee

style editor Stan Williams

senior associate editor Stephanie Radvan

senior editor Laura Leu

research chief Christian Smith

Dial-a-Reader

military adviser Dakota Meyer

Maxim fan HENRY FOGG wrote in to share: “I have a hellacious scar from falling out of a pickup while sitting on a lawn chair.” Our chief content officer gave him a call.

WEST COAST assistant editor Julian Stern

west coast editor Ruth Hilton

M A X I M .C O M executive editor Nick Leftley

managing editor Heather Albano

director of video content Ken Shadford

photo editor Karis Doerner

senior editorial producer Justine Goodman

production editor Bailey Swilley

assistant editor Cameron Berkman

editorial assistant Alexa Lyons

chief financial officer Vincent Ohanyan

chief operating officer David Simcox

publisher Sean Flanagan

fashion and accessories sales manager Sharon Borawski

executive director, integrated sales Mark Magnani

detroit 248-723-1023 Peter Saad

DAN: Hi, Henry, how are you? HENRY: I’m good! I’m in my truck on the road right now. Tell us about this scar. I was in an accident in 1996. We were being idiots, and I was siting in a lawn chair on a fatbed. We were going 80 mph, spinning out, and I was holding on. We were running out of beer, so we were driving back into town, and I let go for one second and few out.

midatlantic [email protected] Renee Clepper los angeles [email protected] Molly Ballantine

san francisco [email protected] Steve Thompson

direct response [email protected] Warren Berger vice president, integrated marketing Jennifer Staiman

directors, integrated marketing Colin Surprenant, Matt Ciccone

art director Kathy Nestor

corporate controller Kyle Murray

human resources director Aysha Karachopan

director of advertising operations Gisele Myer

manufacturing and promotions director Jefrey Dowd

production manager Navah Meller

public relations director Annie Imamura

senior vice president, digital Bill Shaw

ALPHA MEDIA GROUP president

Ben Madden M AX I M WO R L DW I D E B R A N D L I C E N S I NG international editorial director Simon Clays

international publishing manager Stephanie Marino

senior international operations manager Pauline Lam

deputy general counsel Ian Warren

MEDIA NETWORK EDITORS IN CHIEF AUSTRALIA Santi Pintado

AUSTRIA Boris Etter

RUSSIA Sasha Malenkov

BULGARIA Hristo Zapryanov

SOUTH AFRICA Dirk Steenekamp

CZECH REPUBLIC Jan Štěpánek

SOUTH KOREA Young-Bee Lee

GERMANY Boris Etter

SWITZERLAND Boris Etter

INDIA Vivek Pareek THAILAND Surawong Kruaefan

INDONESIA Ronald Adrian Hutagalung UKRAINE Sasha Malenkov

ITALY Paolo Gelmi

UNITED KINGDOM Alpha Media Group

Copyright ©2014 Alpha Media Publishing, Inc. MAXIM® is a registered trademark owned by Alpha Media Group, Inc. All rights reserved. April 2014 issue, Volume 18 Number 3. Maxim is published monthly except for combined issues of Jan/Feb and July/Aug by Alpha Media Publishing, Inc., 415 Madison Avenue, New York, NY 10017. Tel 212-302-2626 Fax 212-302-2635 maximonline.com Canadian GST Registration # 867774580

Subscription inquiries, including address changes: Visit us at maxim.com/customerservice or write to Maxim, PO Box 420706, Palm Coast, FL 32142, or call 386-447-6312

Yikes! It was horrendous. I hit my head, and the lef side of my scalp basically drooped down on the side of my face. My skull was showing. It looked like something out of a scientifc movie! Sweet Lord! They had to graf skin because there was a three-inch patch that was gone. It’s probably still hanging on a tree! Or a bird ate it! I dunno! Oh, and from the same incident, I had this pimple on my back for years. One night I got drunk and cut it with a razor, and man if it wasn’t a rock that got jammed in there and I’d been carrying around for years. Any other medical conditions? Before that I fell of a car I was trying to surf on. Well, given your track record, maybe we should end this call and you should concentrate on the road. Ha-ha! Yeah, good idea!

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ALEXIS SWAIN; MANICURIST, TRACEY SUTTER/CLOUTIER REMIX

STYLING, ZOE GLASSNER/

The stunning socialite and coach from the modeling show The Face wants you to drop and give her 20 blue steels.

Lingerie H&M Earrings R. J. Graziano Rings Stylist’s own

/ HARPER SMITH

Lydia Hearst

PHOTOGRAPH

G E T T O K N O W…

CELESTINE AGENCY; HAIR, SIENREE/CELESTINE AGENCY; MAKEUP,

A Ma xim V iew of t he World

The most embarrassing song on Manhattan my iPod is "“ Sex on the Beach" ” and Beverly Hills by T-Spoon. Astrological sign: Virgo Job: Actress/Model/Blogger The worst pickup line I ever heard Pets: One cat, a giant Egyptian Mau was " I lost my number. Can I have yours?" I can whoop any guy’s ass in beer pong. A guy is more likely to get lucky with me if he is a gentleman. The last thing that made me LOL was " Family Guy." My spirit animal is a bear. The worst words in the universe are The Face airs Wednesday nights at 10 p.m. ET/PT on Oxygen. babymama, hun, and gals. Hometowns:

GO TO MAXIM.COM FOR MORE IMAGES AND VIDEO

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Circus Maximus

Alert! BAD RELIGIONS

PA LM LE A D E R S

A Wing Nut and a Prayer

Great Highs in High Five History

Three of the world’s stupidest religious movements. Amen.

For National High Five Day (April 17), we celebrate the world’s bro-iest hand gesture. Up top!

by ADAM LINEHAN CHURCH OF EUTHANASIA

1977 After an HR,

1980 High five

2002 National

2013 The Timber-

L.A. Dodger Dusty Baker raises a hand to Glenn Burke, who consummates history’s first high five—but misses a great chance to armpit-tickle a baseball legend.

is added to the Oxford Dictionary, defined as “a gesture of celebration in which two people slap each other’s open palm.” It doesn’t sound so fun when you put it like that, Oxford Killjoy-nary.

High Five Day (NH5D) is created when a group of students at the University of Virginia set up a stand giving out lemonade and hand slaps. Today NH5D uses the high five to raise money for various charities. May we suggest a slogan for women’s health? Slap Here for Pap Smear!

wolves sell $75 tickets for their match-up with the Heat, which includes a highfive with LeBron James. As they say, if you can’t stand the Heat… extort some money from all their fans.

Devoted to reducing the human population to re­­ store balance on Earth, this cult encourages follow­ ers to engage in sodomy, abortion, suicide, and cannibalism. Now close your eyes and try not to puke as you imagine what a Sunday service looks like. REMNANT FELLOWSHIP

Gwen Shamblin, founder of Remnant Fellowship, has some advice about getting into heaven: Lose weight, fatty! Shamblin encourages followers to replace un­­ healthy snacking with pray­ ing and reading the Bible, which, unfortunately, does not have a creamy filling.

2013 USA

Today dubs golfer Adam Scott’s post-putt hand-lock with caddie Steve Williams “the greatest highfive in sports history.” Later their palms smoked cigarettes and basked in the afterglow.

BREATHARIANS

According to Breatharians, people get all the nutrients they need by simply breath­ ing oxygen. Unfortunately for the devotees, the human body actually requires food and water to survive, so their spiritual journeys tend to culminate in a slow, painful death. And extremely bad breath.

Stupid umbrella! This could have been the sexiest wet T­shirt contest ever!

1

QUIZ TIME

Pain or Gain? Are these athletes victorious or very, very hurt?

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Pain: 1, 3 Gain: 2,4,5

ANSWERS

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Wee the people!

GAG REEL

Porn Blooper of the Month

5

In which we slog through hours and hours of X-rated films to find factual errors. That’s how most people watch porn, right?

3 4

1 6

2

Ideal Companion is the tale of two scientists who are contracted by the government to build a robotic supersoldier. The robot is equipped with combat fatigues, a rifle, and, of course, an enormous boner. It’s also equipped with a condom. Um, why? Sure, rubbers reduce the chance of preg­ nancy and STDs in humans, but they’re unnecessary when it comes to screwing bots. Which is why we have always wanted to bone Rosie Jetson.

Puting the p in patriotism.

UNCLE SHAM

Your Tax Dollars at Twerk As tax day approaches, remember that your hard-earned dough is, in some cases, being literally flushed down the toilet. by BRIAN CULLEN

ILLUSTRATION /

R. KIKUO JOHNSON

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TAX FUNDS: $325,000 GOVERNMENT AGENCY:

National Science Foundation

3

TAX FUNDS: $700,000 GOVERNMENT AGENCY:

Department of Agriculture

5

TAX FUNDS: $3 million GOVERNMENT AGENCY:

National Science Foundation

PROJECT: Building robot squirrels

PROJECT: Studying methane re­­

PROJECT: Studying how sick and

to study rodents’ relationship with snakes. To make matters worse, this is actually the least fun thing you can do with an army of robot squirrels.

leased in cow burps and farts. Their findings? Most emissions come from belches. Our findings? All methane emissions are hilarious.

healthy shrimp perform on a tread­ mill. Results were conclusive: Shrimp jogging on a tiny treadmill is the cutest thing ever.

2

TAX FUNDS: $10,000 GOVERNMENT AGENCY:

Department of Transportation

4

TAX FUNDS: $516,000 GOVERNMENT AGENCY:

National Science Foundation

6

TAX FUNDS: $100,000 GOVERNMENT AGENCY:

National Science Foundation

PROJECT: Installing talking urinal

PROJECT: Creating a video game

PROJECT: Researching World of War-

cakes in bar bathrooms that encour­ age patrons to call a cab if they’re drunk. Note to drinkers: If your urine ever talks back to you, call a cab.

about the week leading up to prom night. Coincidentally, it’s also the amount we’ve spent on therapy since our own prom night.

craft. At $15 per month, that means researchers have picked up a sub­ scription for the next 555 years. Look for results in January 2569!

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Circus Maximus

Entertainment

One-Eyed Bandits Before Sam Jackson played Nick Fury in Captain America: The Winter Soldier (out April 4), David Hasselhoff wore a patch in Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. Who has more one-eyed badassery?

DAV ID

HASSELHOFF

Pretty Woman, Reckless Rock

SAMUEL L .

JACKSON

TAYLOR MOMSEN and the Pretty Reckless are back and ready to rock your pants off.

TOPIC

SIGNATURE STYLE

Backward-worn Kangol hat

“Don’t hassle the Hoff!”

MOST QUOTED LINE

“I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane.”

Drunkenly eats a cheeseburger off a Vegas hotel floor while being chastised by his teenage daughter.

VIRAL VIDEO

For the 2012 presidential election, Jackson released a nursery rhyme parody video urging Americans to “wake the fuck up” and vote Obama.

In response to people opening fake social networking accounts in his name, Hasselhoff launched his own social network, HoffSpace.

OBSTACLES OVERCOME

Claims the word motherfucker helped him ward off a stutter he’s battled since childhood.

Pam Anderson’s boobs

NOTABLE FAKE COSTARS

Yoda

Germans

FAN BASE

Everyone (because they’re scared of what will happen if they’re not)

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Whether raising hell in Gossip Girl or opening for Guns n’ Roses with her alt-metal band the Pretty Reckless, Taylor Momsen has long been blowing our minds and ears. Now, with their new album, Going to Hell, Momsen and crew are turning more than their amplifiers on. “Image and sex in music have always gone hand in hand, but the music has to be the focus,” she told us last fall. “This album is definitely a step forward from the last record, so I’m just excited for everyone to hear it and to go back on tour.” Just don’t expect a little Jenny Humphrey act. “It’s a really eclectic mix when we play live,” says Momsen. “We’ve literally had parents call the cops saying our show was inappropriate for their kids.” Ugh, Mom, you’re so embarrassing!

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/ DIANA SCHEUNEMANN (MOMSEN)

Mr. Cool

Skimpy red swim trunks

WINNER

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NICKNAME

PHOTOGRAPH

The Hoff

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24 Hours to Live

Marlon Wayans

He’s starring in A Haunted House 2, but who will the funnyman frighten after he really kicks the bucket? How do you want to go? I wanna die having sex. Return to the same place I came from. What kind of Scary Movie–style death would you defnitely not want? Anything that involves decapitation. That looks painful. Can’t be resurrected without a head! Do you have any deathbed confessions? I ain’t confessing nothing on my deathbed. I held dirt all these years. Why start telling truth then? How about a family secret you would like to get of your chest? My family secret is—and you have to promise not to tell anyone—I’m the most well-endowed of the Wayans brothers.

Will you be going to heaven or hell, and why? I’ll probably go to hell, which is cool because all my friends will be there. Hell is gonna be a party! Who wants to be up in heaven with all the virgins and prudes? Not me. Where’s the strippers?! If you could come back and haunt somebody who’s still alive, like a ghoul from A Haunted House, who would it be and why? I’d come back and haunt every roten motherfucker that owed me money. What’s your last meal? I’d probably have a soup or salad. Something light, since I’m gonna poo myself shortly afer.

While you were alive, what did you spend the most money on? I spent most of my money on my family, especially my kids. Oh, and designer sneakers for Daddy. What book do you most regret not fnishing? The Bible, especially since I’m being judged. “Hey, God, I was geting around to it. Come on, buddy!” Name one thing you’re glad you’ll never have to do again on Earth. Suck dick for money. Nobody’s gonna read this, are they? What’s the wildest thing you ever did while you were alive? Does sucking dick for money count?

Who would win a brawl in the aferlife: you and your brothers or the Marx Brothers? Oh, we would stomp the Marx Brothers out. Especially that ill n**** with the horn. But the Three Stooges would fuck us up. They’re gangster! What woman did you always want to sleep with? Paula Deen, because aside from being racist, she makes some bombass corn bread. And you just know she has Mandingo fantasies. What are people saying over your casket? “Man, that dude was funny as fuck!” Got any last words? See A Haunted House 2 on March 28 so I can stop sucking dick for money.

ILLUSTRATION

/ ANDY MACGREGOR

Would you rather spend eternity as a White Chick or a Litle Man? I’d probably spend it as a Litle Man. I could see up skirts, so I’d be winning.

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Obsession

Beyoncé The stunning singer is good at hiding secrets. Thankfully, her glorious legs aren’t one of them. A few months ago Beyoncé, our most favorite child of destiny, made and released an entire visual album without telling us beforehand. We’re not going to take it as a slight, since the supersexy songstress is known for her secretive nature. Remember when she tried to hide her relationship with her nowhusband, Jay Z? Or her early pregnancy with Blue Ivy? Or that time she whispered, “I love you. Let’s spend our lives together and make a million Beyoncé-Maxim babies”? OK, that one was never revealed to the public...until now. Perhaps that’s why we didn’t work out: She could never truly love a blabbermouth. :(

Meanwhile, Jay was absolutely ruining a batch of oatmeal cookies.

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Ask Maxim

GOT A QUESTION? Send it to ask@ maxim.com

Finally living out his Scrooge McDuck fantasy.

Can you train insects? —Ben Strepo Forget about starting a flea circus: Turns out another insect is the bee’s knees when it comes to performing. Ohio State entomologist Daniel Herms gives us the buzz: “Honeybees have excellent cognitive skills and can indeed be trained.” In fact, they’ve been taught to locate explosives. Yawn. Call us when they learn to parallel-park.

What is the most money anybody has won playing the slots? —Liam Nelson In 2003 a 25-year-old software engineer beat odds of 16.7 million to one and cashed in for $39,710,826.36—the largest jackpot ever—playing a slot machine at the Excalibur Hotel Casino in Las Vegas. The man decided to keep his identity a secret, but we suspect he can be recognized by the humongous change purse he carries around.

Why don’t cats hump humans like dogs do? —Josh Klein Some cats are happy humpers, too. Unneutered males may use blankets as standins for girl cats, according to ASPCA animal behaviorist Kat Miller. But unlike dogs— who’ll hump most anything for a variety of reasons— “Cats primarily hump other cats and only when mating.” Which explains why Mr. Whiskers rebuffed our leg’s advances the other night.

Well, that explains that day’s great streaming quality.

16 Percentage that viewings on PornHub.com decreased on Easter Sunday in 2013. Those egg hunts can be quite orgasmic.

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82.8 Life expectancy in Switzerland, the world’s highest. Hope those cuckoo clocks are built to last.

ILLUSTRATIONS

Amount, in dollars, of change passengers leave at TSA checkpoints each year. Shit, where’s our lucky nickel?

/ JASON SCHNEIDER

Bar Trivia

Jokes See if your funny bone is bigger than ours. Send your funnies to [email protected] or tweet #MaximJokes.

I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young, female, and drop-dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I am a professional—I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll check it out.” I said, “My wife thinks my dick tastes funny.” —R AY M O R G A N

Twit Wit

Tweets to live by. Olivia Wilde @oliviawilde I think Instagram should confirm people want to post a duckface selfie before they do it and if they say yes their phone melts.

My girlfriend and I always have these massive arguments, followed by incredible make-up sex. That’s what I love about her—she won’t go down without a fight. — PAT R I C K WA L K E R

I took my 92-year-old dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenage boy sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager got annoyed and asked, “What’s the matter, old man, never done anything wild in your life?” Without missing a beat, my dad replied, “Got drunk once and fucked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”— G EO F F A N D E R S O N

Found Porn! Dick in a box. —Michael Truitt

Beat This Caption

ENTER HERE!

JAN/FEB’S WINNER:

Maxim.com/ contests*

The running of the balls. —Ryan Dry

WIN THIS!

ILLUSTRATIONS

/ LARS LEETARU

Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues on Blu-ray + DVD + Digital HD. Plus, we’ll throw in a $500 gif certifcate for a Cruise America RV rental!

“Once I figure out the timer, this will be the best pooflinging selfie ever.”

*NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. VOID WHERE PROHIBITED. Open only to legal U.S. residents, 18 years or older. Contest begins March 15, 2014 and ends April 7, 2014. Odds of winning depend on number of eligible entries received. For entry and ofcial rules with complete entry, eligibility, prize, and other details, go to www.maxim.com. Sponsored by Alpha Media Group Inc.

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He was mourned by his Beanie Baby wife.

Prank Anyone

ILLUSTRATION

/ JOHN UELAND

Need a last-minute April Fools’ Day idea? The guys from Impractical Jokers have a few tricks up their sleeves.

Season 3 of Impractical Jokers resumes on TruTV April 27 at 10 p.m.

FRIEND

COWORKER

PARENTS

NEIGHBOR

OTHER NEIGHBOR

If you’re at a base­ ball game with a couple of your bud­ dies, why not pay $100 to have one of them propose to the other up on the JumboTron? There is nothing a bunch of drunk sports fans love more than to hear that Rod wants to spend the rest of his life with Barry.

Come up with an entirely fabricated résumé for your colleague. Make it seem like he’s claim­ ing to be the head of the whole company. Hell, make it seem like he founded the company. Then leave a copy of the fake résumé on the ofce copier for your boss to fnd.

Haven’t you put these poor people through enough? Leave them alone— or change every clock in their house to diferent times. Revel in their con­ fusion as they eat dinner at 3 p.m. and wonder why they are so tired when “it’s only 8 p.m.”… but it’s really 2 a.m.

Turns out your cable TV remote can con­ trol everyone else’s, too. Late at night creep up to your neighbor’s window and use your remote to turn on their TV. Do this several nights in a row. Eventually they’ll conclude that a ghost is obsessed with reruns of Monk.

Buy a life­size dog stufed animal. Cut it open, put a big empty plastic botle inside, and hide it by the rear wheel of their car. When they pull out and hear the crunch, run over and yell, “Skippy, where are you?” Then frantically ask them if they’ve seen your new pup.

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JOIN AN ELITE GROUP Over a million appli­ cants from around the world competed in a contest spon­ sored by Axe to ride on a passenger space shutle by the end of 2015. Twenty­ fve men and women were selected for the mission. As they boarded a bus to a zero­gravity train­ ing plane near Cape Canaveral, I snuck on with them. 1

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TALK TO AN ASTRONAUT Legendary space pioneer Buzz Aldrin knows a thing or two about weight­ lessness, so I paid him a visit. Afer poring over the lat­ est Maxim (serious­ ly, he couldn’t put it down), Dr. Aldrin assured me that “not every astro­ naut is cut from the same mold.” Does being cut from a Jell­O mold count?

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EAT A GIANT SANDWICH An hour before the fight, it was time to meet a diferent kind of hero. I’m talking about one with prosciuto, capicola, provolone, hot peppers, let­ tuce, tomato, and balsamic vinegar, wrapped up in a crusty Italian roll. There were Cheetos on the side, and I washed it all down with a Coke. Burp. 3

GET ON BOARD The recruits and I boarded G-Force One, a modifed Boeing 727 run by a company called Zero­G. The “vomit comet,” popularized by a similar aircraf used in Apollo 13, achieves weight­ lessness by aero­ batic maneuvers known as parabolas. I failed geometry, so I had no idea what this meant. 4

TRY NOT TO MAKE A MESS The plane made 12 “weightless” dives. At frst it was disori­ enting but fun. About halfway through I felt a Cheeto com­ ing up. Not wanting to cover anyone else in liquid lunch, I foated to the back of the plane, strapped myself in, and sealed my mouth with a vomit bag. One giant heave for mankind! 5

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(4 & 5) ILLUSTRATION

Thanks to the Axe Apollo Space Academy, Maxim’s PATRICK CARONE boldly puked where no man has puked before.

PHOTOGRAPHS

Toss Your Cookies in Zero Gravity

/ AXE (1 & 2); COURTESY OF BRYAN RAPOZA/ZERO-G / JESSE LENZ

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Attack a Mac ’n’ Cheese Monster

To celebrate Grilled Cheese Month, Chef MICHAEL FERRARO at Delicatessen N.Y.C. adds some mac to your favorite melty sandwich. INGREDIENTS • ¼ cup flour • ¼ cup butter • 4 cups whole milk • ½ cup grated Vermont yellow cheddar cheese • ½ cup mascarpone cheese • ¾ cup + 1/8 cup grated Swiss cheese

• ¼ tsp. grated nutmeg • Salt and pepper • 1½ cups rye bread croutons (¼-inch cubes) • ½ Tbs. toasted and ground caraway seeds • 3 Tbs. Russian dressing • ¾ lb. elbow macaroni,

cooked in salt water • 2½ cups diced braised corn beef (¼inch cubes) • 1 cup pickled sauerkraut, roughly chopped • ½ cup diced cheese curds • 16 slices beer bread

METHOD 1. Preheat oven to 300°F. 2. Whisk flour and butter together in a saucepan for five minutes over medium heat. 3. Pour in milk and bring to a simmer while whisking. Cook for 10 minutes over low heat.

4. Whisk in cheddar, mascarpone, and ¾ cup Swiss cheese. Season with nutmeg, salt, and pepper. 5. Toss croutons with caraway seeds and Russian dressing. Toast in oven for four minutes. 6. Mix pasta, cheese sauce, corned beef, sauerkraut,

curds, and croutons together in a large bowl. Cool and reserve. 7. Butter beer bread and layer with the mix and remaining Swiss cheese. 8. Sauté in butter over low heat for 3–4 minutes per side. 9. Toast in oven for six minutes, enjoy, then have a heart attack.

PHOTOGRAPH

/ SAM KAPLAN

FOOD STYLING, KAREN EVANS/APOSTROPHE

Pairs well with a threehour nap.

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Steps 1–2

Step 4

Steps 5–9

Best ball handler since Jenna Jameson

Play Hoops in Spanish Hardwood matador RICKY RUBIO shares his tips for passing and picking players’ pockets.

Step 3

Make a Smoke Grenade Useful for getting off of a desert island, or getting your hot neighbor’s attention. Materials • Potassium nitrate • Sugar • Empty flm container • Pen • Box of matches • Straw • Tissue • Tape • Paper clip • Rubber band • Empty toilet paper roll • Fire extinguisher

Mix three parts

1 potassium nitrate (order it online or buy it as stump remover at a hardware store) to two parts sugar in a skillet, preferably on an outdoor stovetop. Over low heat, stir till sugar is caramelized and the mix is liquefed. Do not let it burn—it could ignite!

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Pour mixture into flm container and stick a pen in it to make space for the fuse. Place in an ice bath to cool for up to an hour. Is it true that smoking will stunt my growth?

ILLUSTRATIONS

/ CHRIS PHILPOT

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Fill a straw with match heads, securing them inside with tissue at both ends.

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Tape matches 5 around the end of the straw, heads out.

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Cut of the strikers on the matchbox. Bend a paper clip into a ring and tape strikers to it, facing each other.

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Put the strikers and the paper clip around the matchsticks and secure with a rubber band.

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Stick the match fuse in the flm container. Then place the grenade in the toilet paper roll with the fuse sticking out.

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Tape the container up around the fuse to protect your hands from the heat, keeping a small hole around the fuse at the top.

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Bring it outside and pull ring hard to set it of. Smoke ’em if you got ’em!

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Handle Small Balls “Training afer my ACL injury was tough, but I still improved my ballhandling skills. I’d sit in a chair and dribble with both hands, bounce two balls at once, and spend all day on passing and shooting drills. Now that I’m healthy, I like to dribble a tennis ball, trying my basketball moves with a ball that’s much smaller and harder to handle.” Get Creative “I grew up following Magic Johnson and Pistol Pete Maravich. They were all about creating new moves and having fun with the ball. When I’m on the court, I view myself as an artist with a blank canvas; the inspiration comes when I have the ball. I always have a good time and try to get the ball where nobody expects it to go.” Take Pride in Thievery “I watch a lot of video. I look at a team’s D and fnd the holes so I know how to face them ofensively. I also study other point guards so I can anticipate their moves and steal the ball from them. It must help, because I’m among the top in the league in steals.”

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Get SEAL Strong

Author of 8 Weeks to SEALFit MARK DIVINE on mastering four domains that separate the boys from the badasses.

WORK CAPACITY

3 You need the ability to do an intense amount of work in a short time, and there’s no beter way to develop it than CrossFit-style interval training. Training: These exercises are almost the opposite of what we developed in strength and stamina. A standard example: Run 800 meters plus 10 rounds of ketleball swings, 10 push-ups, 10 air squats, 10 sit-ups, followed by another 800-meter run, done as fast as possible. You’re working at an 80 to 100 percent intensity level, which you can only sustain for 20 minutes. 26

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you work out in the morning, but then you go into the feld and work all day long. Training: Take the primary strength lif that you just worked—let’s say the back squat—and go at 50 to 60 percent of RM to work more volume. Then add more exercises that use an opposite or complementary motion, and a buddy-oriented component, such as 10 back squats at 185 pounds, 20 box jumps, and a 50-meter buddy carry. Repeat for three to fve rounds.

DURABILITY

4 This is the domain of prerehabilitation: keeping your body from breaking and training through injuries. Training: “Prerehab” includes sprints, yoga, mobility drills, joint articulation, range-of-motion drills, and classic Navy SEAL grinder PT core exercises like sit-ups. End each day’s training with some capacity of durability training, even if it is just 10x100-meter sprints and some yoga, like a sun salutation. 8 Weeks to SEALFit is out on April 1.

/ TOBATRON

strength so you can carry your load within a team. Training: Focus on total body movements that are functional: the dead lif, the back squat, the bench press, and the push press. Incorporate one of these moves into your workout each day, starting with a low number of reps at a high weight percentage. For example, one set of three reps at fve percent below your repetition maximum (RM) and then three sets of three reps at 10 percent below your RM.

STAMINA

2 Stamina is crucial to SEAL training because

ILLUSTRATIONS

STRENGTH

1 This is about developing a foundational functional

Pony Express Ford celebrates its icon’s 50th birthday with an all-new, all-badass MUSTANG GT.. Pass the cake! his month marks the 50th anniversary of the Mustang’s muscle-bound existence, and Ford is honoring the occasion by rolling out the slickest pony car yet. From the Flat Rock Assembly

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Plant in Detroit, the 2015 Mustang GT emerges a sleeker, nimbler, and more sophisticated version of its former self. Its lower, wider stance lends additional poise to the Mustang’s already strapping silhouette, while

steeper sloping windows hark back to the Steve McQueen days. Under the hood the GT is allAmerican muscle, with an upgraded 5.0-liter V-8. For agility’s sake, Ford has equipped the new model with independent

rear suspension. Pricewise the GT should remain well within reach of honest, red-blooded Americans. So roll up those shirt sleeves and fire up a Marlboro, cowboy: This pony ain’t going to drive itself. —Adam Linehan

Spec Check PRICE

TBA

ENGINE

5.0-liter V-8 HORSEPOWER

420

TORQUE

390 lb.-f. 0–60

TBA

TOP SPEED

155 mph (limited)

Cinematic ’Stangs No car has repped America on flm like the Mustang.

BULLITT (1968) Lt. Frank Bullit (Steve McQueen) pilots a 1968 GT390 through the hills of San Francisco in the greatest car chase in flm history.

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GONE IN 60 SECONDS (2000) Memphis Raines (Nic Cage) is a car thief with brass balls, a lead foot, and a 1967 Shelby GT500 named Eleanor.

I AM LEGEND (2007) Living alone in a zombieinfested world would suck… unless you’re cruising around in a ’07 Shelby GT500 killing everything in sight.

NEED FOR SPEED (2014) Even though he’s no longer Jesse Pinkman, Aaron Paul still has a “taste for haste” thanks to this modifed 2013 Shelby GT500.

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PHOTOGRAPH

Behind the scenes at King Kong’s vasectomy

STYLING, ZOE GLASSNER/CELESTINE AGENCY; HAIR, WILL CARRILLO USING

GO TO MAXIM.COM FOR MORE IMAGES AND VIDEO

/ MARLEY KATE

eady to get snipping? When it comes to slicing through some heavy metals, we suggest you don’t get caught without the king of all cutters: the Olympia Tools 48-Inch Center Cut Bolt Cutter. Its compound action jaws will help you tear up anything in sight, all while enjoying the comfort of its heat-treated handles. Toasty! $82, olympiatools.com

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L’ORÉAL VOLUME/CELESTINE AGENCY; MAKEUP, JENNA ANTON/CELESTINE AGENCY. MIKOH SWIMSUIT.

Super Cut

Stuff

Gadgets

Tech, Yeah! Throw all your old gizmos into a lake and plug into the future! Panono Panoramic Ball Camera Is it C-3P0’s kidney stone or a time machine? Neither! But it’s still fun. Toss this sphere into the air and its integrated 36 cameras shoot in all directions. The stitched-together sum is basically an aerial freezeframe of what’s happening below. It’s a pigeon’s-pre-poop-eye-view of you! $549, panono.com

Belkin Crock-Pot WeMo Slow Cooker We’re ofcially one step closer to a robo-chef. This slow cooker doesn’t just let you set and forget your stews and chilis while you spend a day at work or the laser-tag arena; it also lets you control the damn thing from afar using an app. Remotely turn it on from the bar and a hot bowl of yumminess will be waiting when you stumble in at 3 a.m. $100, belkin.com

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Mophie Space iPhone Case Unlike other smartphones, the iPhone has never played well with expandable memory. No SD card slot means you’re stuck with the gigs your phone has when you buy it. Until now. This case features a backup batery to extend your bars well past last call, plus it augments up to 32 GB of extra storage for music, apps, and your collection of Brony fan videos. $150 (16 GB), $180 (32 GB), mophie.com

Rocki Play

Pebble Steel Smart Watch

Your kick-ass-sounding but totally outdated hi-f system is reborn! Plug this pocketable dongle into any old stereo system and it instantly upgrades it to an app-controlled streaming setup. Dust of Dad’s old ’70s kit—it’s time to rock again. $49, myrocki.com

Superpowered timepieces are poised to take over the world’s wrists, and this one is our current fave. Unlike most ugly-ass smart watches—which are prety much guaranteed to keep you from ever talking to a woman again—this one is totally sweet on the eyes. $249, getpebble.com

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Stuff

Gadgets

Now you see me, now you… still see me.

ClearView Clio Goodbye, grates! This Bluetooth speaker is built around a sheath of clear curved acrylic glass. Of course, that pane ain’t just for looks: It pushes sound in multiple directions for room-flling booms. Who knew invisibility could look (and sound) so good? $349, clearviewaudio.com

Samsung 85-Inch U9B Bendable TV Try to bend most televisions and you’ll end up with hands full of shrapnel and a voided warranty. This doughy display—which will be available to consumers later this year—transforms from a fat-screen to a curvaceous display that provides IMAX-like periphery fllage and added dimension. Or just a warm hug. $TBD, samsung.com

Cobra JumPack A portable batery pack that can charge your phone or tablet? Yawn. A 7,500 mAh portable battery pack that’s got enough juice to jump-start your car? Never stick your clamp in another man’s engine again. $130, cobra.com

Sony Xperia Z1 S 3D Systems ChefJet Sure, the 3D printing revolution means we could clone our rarest action fgures. But unless you can metabolize plastic, you can’t eat the output. That. Changes. Now. The ChefJet works with sugar, so users can build delicious confections. (Oompa Loompas not included.) $TBD, 3dsystems.com

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Presenting…the partyproof phone! Not only is it water/spill/toilet/beer/ Red Bull/jungle juice–proof, but it also boasts a crazy 20.7-megapixel camera. And while more megapixels don’t necessarily mean beter photos, our selfes have seriously never looked so sharp. Whoa, we should really get that mole looked at. $0 upfront at launch, tmobile.com

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Stuff

Style

Spring Cleanup Whether you’re a landlubber or a seafaring fellow, cast your net for a fresh wardrobe.

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1. Vince Camuto Leather moto jacket, $595, vincecamuto.com Perry Ellis Linen shirt, $75, perryellis.com

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2. J. Hilburn Stone Luxury sport coat, $420, and silk pocket square, $39, jhilburn.com life/after/denim Field shirt, $118, lifeafterdenim.com

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3. New Era EK Thea Liberty London print fedora, $50, neweracap.com 4. Timberland Earthkeepers chinos, $118, timberland.com PRPS Goods & Co. Indigo jeans, $275, prpsjeans.com

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6. Vince Camuto Leather belt, $70, vincecamuto.com

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9. Tumi Santa Monica Bashford leather duffel, $895, tumi.com

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PHOTOGRAPHS

8. Mark Nason Stroud suede chukka boots, $99, skechers.com

/ NICK FERRARI

7. American Eagle Outfitters AE fleece sweatshirt, $40, ae.com

STYLE EDITOR, STAN WILLIAMS; SOFT GOODS STYLING, REBECCA DONNELLY/BA-REPS

5. Tommy Hilfiger Ricky peacoat, $399, at Tommy Hilfiger stores Ernest Alexander Liberty London print shirt, $225, ernest alexander.com

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1. Gant Rugger Jacket, $275, gant.com Original Penguin P55 mini-check shirt, $79, original penguin.com 2. Shipley & Halmos Sloop jacket, $595, shipley-halmos.com Nautica Anchor print tee, $50, nautica.com

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3. Nautica Braided belt, $40, macys.com 4. H&M White cotton pants, $35, hm.com Levi’s 511 Jeans, $68, levi.com

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5. Calvin Klein Blazer, $450, calvinklein.com Express Anchor print shirt, $70, express.com Boast V-neck sweater vest, $144, boastusa.com Shipley & Halmos Birch knit tie, $98, shipley-halmos.com

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6. Ernest Alexander Shorts, $165, call 800-770-6658 7. Gant by Michael Bastian MB Schooner sweater, $185, gant.com

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8. Ben Sherman Bruce canvas slip-ons, $70, bensherman.com 9. Fossil Mercer nylon duffel, $168, fossil.com

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Bustier and skirt Victor de Souza* Handcuffs Jennifer Fisher Boots Giuseppe Zanotti*

Corset Tom Ford* Leather mask Kiki de Montparnasse*

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You’ve gone from a high school cheerleader on One Tree Hill to a hardnosed intelligence ofcer on Chicago P.D. That’s quite a change. Well, it’s funny. It’s not often that someone gets a job at 20 and then does it for a decade. Those are the years you’re supposed to be growing and exploring new things. And it was wonderful, and we loved it, but there wasn’t a lot of adventure. But this show? It feels like the job I was supposed to be doing.

*COURTESY OF THE ALBRIGHT FASHION LIBRARY

How did you prepare? Well, there are some things I can’t tell you, for insurance reasons! But before flming we basically went through boot camp, working with intelligence, SWAT teams, and precision-driving experts. You know that anxiety we all have when a cop car pulls up next to us on the highway? That’s totally evaporated, and everywhere I go I fnd myself wanting to hug cops.

Did you have any experience with guns going in? I started going to shooting ranges when I was 12 years old, so I’ve known my way around guns since I was a kid. I even went through sherif’s training when I was living in

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“ OUR ADVENTURES ARE MOSTLY ABOUT FINDING RARE WHISKEYS AND THEN DANCING OUR FACES OFF. “

“ I’VE KNOWN MY WAY AROUND GUNS SINCE I WAS A KID. “

(previous spread) Rings Ugo Cacciatori (next spread) Top Vintage Leather harness Bliss Lau* Bottoms Alessandro Dell’Acqua* Rings Ugo Cacciatori Boots Giuseppe Zanotti*

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*COURTESY OF THE ALBRIGHT FASHION LIBRARY

Blazer with built-in corset Jean Paul Gaultier* Bottom Lisa Marie Fernandez Gold collar Char Ant Gold cuffs Janis Savitt*

Honestly, I’m not going out with the energy to get hit on. What bugs me is the people snapping photos as if you don’t notice. At times you feel like a zoo animal.

Is there an assumption that you’re always partying with other starlets? Yeah! But you know what’s funny? People think that if you work in Hollywood, you spend all your time hanging out at fancy parties with movie stars. But we spend most of our time on set, hanging out with the grips and electricians and caterers. That’s our family, and the only thing people see us on is the red carpet. Trust me, we’re not that fancy.

Being such a major activist, do you worry that your show sugarcoats some of the police’s actions? North Carolina and got my concealed-weapons permit.

Do you have a weapon of choice? I mean, how can you pick one? It’s like asking someone to pick their favorite child! They’re all special in their own way. For long-range target practice, you want a rife, but on set we get to tote M4s around, which is incredibly fun. And if we’re talking handguns, I prefer a Kimber.

Dick Wolf, Mr. Law & Order, is your boss on Chicago P.D. Have you been watching any other 46

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cop shows for inspiration? Well, I’ve watched his whole library, but I didn’t sit and cram or anything. Although I did spend my Super Bowl Sunday watching a True Detective marathon on HBO.

Huh. Most of us were watching the game. But it was the worst! Even the commercials weren’t that great, which is usually one of my highlights. So I watched back-to-back Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey, and it was great.

You flm in Chicago, which has had a prety brutal

2014 in terms of weather. How have you managed? I love Chicago, but when you’re working 15 hours a day and it’s been so cold, there’s not a whole lot of blowing of steam. That said, the restaurant scene is fantastic, and there are a lot of great little bars. On the Chicago P.D. staf, there are a lot of bourbon and scotch drinkers, so our adventures are mostly about fnding rare whiskeys and then dancing our faces of.

You’ve been famous for a while now. Do you get hit on a lot when you’re out?

You know, I fnd it interesting that despite all the incredible things our servicemen and women do, on the news we only seem to hear about the bad eggs. But then you talk to the real police, and they want to smack the shit out of those guys. They’re like, “Who the fuck do you think you are to wear a badge, you piece of shit?!?” There’s nobody madder about bad cops than good cops.

GO TO MAXIM.COM FOR MORE IMAGES AND VIDEO

ART DEPARTMENT FOR LANCÔME; MANICURE, ANDREA FULERTON/FORD MODELS; PROP STYLING, ANGELA FINNEY

Absolutely, and there are a lot of things I’m passionate about, whether it’s human rights in Uganda or same-sex equality in America. I realized I could have a dinnerparty conversation with 15 people, and I could use Twitter to have that same conversation with a million.

STYLIST, MICHELA BURATTI/ART DEPARTMENT; HAIR, EARL SIMMS/KRAMER + KRAMER USING ORIBE; MAKEUP, DEVRA KINERY/

But fame has provided a platform to talk about issues that mater to you.

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She’s hot! She’s hilarious! We hope she likes exclamation points! It’s Hart of Dixie and Episodes star Mircea Monroe! by STEPHANIE RADVAN photographs by HARPER SMITH

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MAKEUP, LAUREN LANCASTER/CELESTINEAGENCY.COM; MANICURE, TRACEY SUTTER/CLOUTIER REMIX

STYLING, LAUREN CAMPANILE/CELESTINEAGENCY.COM; HAIR, RYAN RICHMAN/STARWORKS ARTISTS;

With starring roles on two of TV’s hotest shows and boobs that have their own Twiter account, gorgeous and hilarious Mircea Monroe proves that all good things come in pairs. For that reason we’re doubly honored to have the bombshell strip down for her third Maxim shoot. Listen in as she talks turnons, playing crazy, and, yes, geting into catfghts with her body parts. You play sweetheart Tansy Truit on Hart of Dixie and sex bomb Morning Randolph on Episodes. Is it hard to play characters who are so diferent? It’s so fun playing these two. I have family in the South, so playing Tansy feels very natural. Morning is hilarious to play because, living in L.A., I meet ridiculous people who are just like her. So neither of them is really a stretch.

Tansy is always dealing with relationship drama. Do you go for a certain type in real life? I have a boyfriend now who is super smart and really funny.

Tank Splendid Bikini bottom Eberjey Boots Old Gringo Necklace Jacquie Aiche (previous page, left) Denim shirt Hinge Bikini Mikoh (previous page, right) Bikini top Becca by Rebecca Virtue Bikini bottom Tigerlily Boots The Frye Company

I know it sounds so girly, but connecting or laughing a lot makes us feel really close, and then I want to bang him.

Well, not to cause drama, but do you have any celebrity crushes? Oh, man, President Obama is crazy sexy. I’m not just talking looks, but intelligence and wit. I’m drawing a blank, but I’m sure there are plenty of other presidents I would want to do, even though they may not be hot.

Would that group include Abraham Lincoln? The image of Lincoln fucking is kind of awesome.

Or terrifying. You have more than 20 TV credits. Is there one that was especially fun to play?

On to important things: the Twiter handle @MirceasBoobs.

I’m friends with the guys who do Men at Work, and they called me up and said, “We think you’re perfect for this part.” I trust them, so I just took it. Then on set I found out the character just left a mental institution and is nuts. I was actually fattered, because the crazier, the better.

I had the idea to give my boobs their own voice because it’s a great way to acknowledge that they are part of my work, but that I have control over them. I love getting in Twitter fghts with them and calling them names. I enjoy our intense relationship—and I’m proud of the following they’ve gotten!

Do guys ever recognize you from Hart of Dixie?

Did you do them proud with your Maxim shoot?

Defnitely. I’m always pleasantly surprised by how many dudes love the show. It’s got a whole lot of sexy.

Yes, this is what they live for. Anytime they can be on display and get attention is a great day for them.

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Sneak Peek !

Pick up Maxim’s lingerie special on newsstands now or download the digital edition.

Do it!

Amazing Grace

ISIS ANTELO USING NARS/ARTISTS BY TIMOTHY PRIANO. EBERJEY LINGERIE.

MAKEUP, PIARE ENCINA USING NARS/ARTISTS BY TIMOTHY PRIANO; MANICURE,

MAZZA; HAIR, STEVEN HOEPPNER USING PHYTO/ARTISTS BY TIMOTHY PRIANO;

STYLING, ZOE GLASSNER/CELESTINE AGENCY; STYLING ASSISTANT, LAURA

Hometown Hoties fnalist Grace, one of the stars of our newsstand-only lingerie special, explains why sexy undies just might be the greatest gif you’ll ever get yourself. by A LE X A LYO N S photographs by ZO E M C CO N N E LL

What advice would you give to guys who are nervous about buying lingerie for their girlfriends? Just buy what you would like to look at, because that’s who you’re doing it for anyway! That’s all that matters.

Have you ever goten lingerie as a gif? Yeah, and I like it… if it’s the person I want to receive it from.

What asset do you like to show of the most? I guess I would have to say my boobs.

What’s your favorite style? Dark greens and black, like the lingerie I wore for this shoot, are really hot. And lacy and kind of see-through.

Is the fancy stuf just for special occasions, or would you pull it out during the week? I don’t think lingerie should be only for special occasions, because you gotta try to look good all the time.

Were you ever in a situation where a guy couldn’t get a complicated piece of lingerie of? Not really. I’m there to help!

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This is most people’s reaction the frst time they see a Ping-Pong ball.

e pa be re yo e c to ur r tiv eti ever pla esp p m y, a ects to the art of co rts nd r spo y ate, th s e best sud

1 BEER PONG You Need • Two teams of two people • A table • 22 18-oz. plastic cups • Ping-Pong balls • Beer SETUP AND RULES

1. On each side of the table, teams arrange 10 cups like bowling pins. Fill each a third of the way with beer. Pour water into remaining two cups and use to wash balls of any frat-foor debris (which tastes like body spray and vomit). 2. Teams take turns trying to toss or bounce balls into their opponents’ cups. Each team gets two attempts per turn; elbows and wrists must stay behind the edge of the table. 3. If a tossed ball lands in a cup, opponent must drink it. If a bounced ball is sunk, opponent must guzzle two cups. Note: Defenders are allowed to swat away bounced shots after they hit the table. 4. If a team sinks both balls, they earn another turn. Otherwise, balls are passed to the other team, usually while joking about their testicles. 5. After a cup is emptied, it is removed from play. Cups are reracked when down to six, four, three, two, and one. 6. When a team sinks all their shots, they’re declared winner —and far too thirsty. Drink! PRO TIP Always wet the ball in water before you toss. It improves your shot; wet balls don’t foat around in the air like dry balls. It also lowers your chance of contracting E. coli. SKILL LEVEL

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He was soon disqualifed for HGH.

2

FLIP CUP

You Need • Two teams of an equal number • A table • Plastic cups (one per person) • Beer SETUP AND RULES

1. Teams stand on opposite sides of the table, facing each other with a half-full cup of beer in front of them (dopily staring down opposing player optional).

2. The frst players on each team chug their beers. When fnished, they hang the empty cup of the table edge and attempt to fip it so it lands upside-down. 3. After a successful fip, the next teammate can start chugging and fipping. If the fip is unsuccessful, the cup is reset and the fip retried until it’s properly achieved. 4. Game continues down the line till all players on one team have turned over their cups, winning the

A N YT H IN G D TI M E , D O FO R A G O O

DETONATOR

smashGuys take turns n into ing a full beer ca while their foreheads tor!” yelling, “Detona make to see who can from it explode. Aside beer and being soaked in ible brain sustaining poss ner damage, the win s of not enjoys the bonu t night. geting laid tha

game. Grab a napkin and wipe the beer slobber of your face. You earned it! PRO TIP For a more balanced fip, use two fngers: index and middle. Bend middle fnger a bit, keeping two thirds of it under the cup for more control. Then use that fnger to show your rivals what you think of them. SKILL LEVEL

. LAY TH ES E B ES ID ES P

EDWARD 40 HA

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e Players duct-tap to their 40-ounce beers movie hands, à la the ands, Edward Scissorh atached and leave them are until the botles they fnished. Or until the pass out or wet ir photo bed or have the d never posted online an ain. get a job ever ag

E DANCE OF TH OLES FL AMING ASSH to

ete Two men comp ep a see who can ke , rolledpiece of burning ged in up newspaper lod longest. their botoms the chug The loser has to victor a beer, while the d gets to be treate e anal for second-degre ale! burns. Hot tam

HR will not like this. No one’s using a coaster!

3

KING’S CUP

You Need • Three or more people • A deck of cards • One plastic cup • Beer SETUP AND RULES

1. Spread an entire deck of cards around an empty cup (the King’s Cup). 2. Players take turns drawing a card and following the rules associated with them:

Ace: Waterfall. (Everyone

chugs; stop when the person to your right stops.) Two: You. (Give a drink.) Three: Me. (Take a drink.) Four: Floor. (Last person to touch the foor drinks.) Five: Guys. (Dudes drink.) Six: Chicks. (Ladies drink.) Seven: Thumbmaster. (Last person to place their thumb on the table edge drinks.) Eight: Category. (Pick a category; frst person to

pause or miss naming an item from it drinks.) Nine: Rhyme. (Choose a word; frst person to pause or miss a rhyme drinks.) 10: Social. (All drink.) Jack: Rule. (Make a rule; frst one to break it drinks.) Queen: Question. (Take turns asking questions; frst person to pause drinks.) King: King’s Cup. (Pour your beer into middle cup; person who draws the last King drinks it and game is over.) PRO TIP Remember this word: sporange. It’s the only word that rhymes with orange, which some jerk always picks for the rhyme rule. If asked to defne it, say it’s a term for suckers geting served. SKILL LEVEL

Why we never have quarters for laundry…

5

QUARTERS

You Need • Three or more players • Glass • Stack of quarters • Beer SETUP AND RULES

Rinse and repeat as necessary.

4

BOAT RACE

You Need • Two teams of an equal number • A table • Cups • Beer SETUP AND RULES

1. Teams line up at the table with their cups in front of them. Everyone has the same amount of beer.

2. At the start the frst players on each team chug their beers. Once fnished they place the cups upsidedown over their heads (to thwart cheating), at which point the next player can start drinking. 3. Players continue chugging down the line until all players have fnished and are holding empty cups over their heads.

Congratulations—you all look like idiots!

1. Each player grabs a beer and a quarter and gathers around a table. The glass is placed in the middle. 2. Players take turns trying to bounce a quarter into the glass. If the shooter succeeds, he chooses someone to drink and shoots again. If he fails, the play passes. 3. If the shooter sinks three quarters in a row, he gets to create a rule (for instance, you can’t say quarter, must drink with nondominant hand, all drinking must be followed with a recitation of a stanza from a Maya Angelou poem, and so on). Rulebreakers must drink for the duration of the game. 4. Continue until all the beer is gone, then play pinball.

PRO TIP Flater, warmer beer is easier to chug. So pour your brew at least 10 minutes before the competition to get that fzzless, lukewarm quality all beer drinkers love.

PRO TIP Hold the quarter’s edges lightly between your index fnger and thumb and bounce it fat-side down (not on an edge) for a more accurate jump.

SKILL LEVEL

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Oliver was shocked—the girls weren’t running away from him!

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THREE MAN

You Need • Three or more players • Pair of dice • Beer SETUP AND RULES

1. All players roll a die. The frst to roll a three becomes Three Man and remains in that spot until he rolls a three or the sum of it. The new Three Man will

be the next player who rolls a three or the sum of it. 2. Starting with the Three Man, players roll both dice and follow the rule associated with the number total (below). Total of seven: Player to left of roller drinks. Total of 11: Player to right of roller drinks. Total of nine: Social! Any three or sum of three: Three Man drinks.

Doubles: Give away that number of drinks (two fours = eight drinks). If a player’s in the loo during his turn, he must take one drink for every fve seconds he’s missing. PRO TIP To avoid the bathroom penalty, wear an adult diaper. SKILL LEVEL

8

Cheaper than a gym membership and with beter results

BUFFALO

You Need • Any number of players • Beer SETUP AND RULES

1. Partygoers must drink from their nondominant hand. If caught doing otherwise, someone yells, “Bufalo!” and the ofender must fnish his drink. 2. If a player calls “Bufalo” erroneously, “False Bufalo” is called, and the accuser drinks. 3. Bufalo never ends. So there is no winner or loser; there is only fun and funner. (We think Nietzsche said that.)

7 STEIN HOISTING You Need • Two or more players • Steins • Beer

2. If a hoister spills, drops, or bends his arm, he’s out— and must drink. 3. The last remaining player is dubbed Best Heavy Beer Holder. Hello, new tombstone epithet!

SETUP AND RULES

1. Players hold their beerflled steins with one arm, parallel to the foor. 58

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PRO TIP A full stein of brew weighs about fve pounds. If your deltoids

feel like a bowl of lumpy mashed potatoes, do some front arm raises with 10-pound dumbbells to get in tip-top beer-hoisting shape (i.e., ripped up top, doughy everywhere else). SKILL LEVEL

PRO TIP Die-hard Bufaloers say it’s not a merely game but a way of life. So train your kids to be ambidextrous. Some day, afer years of therapy, they will thank you. SKILL LEVEL

He did much beter in the hairiest arms contest.

Remove dart before drinking.

BEER DARTS

NEVER HAVE I EVER

HAIR AND MAKEUP, ELIZABETH LERMAN. CHEERLEADER UNIFORM TOPS COURTESY OF 3WISHES.COM.

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You Need • Any number of players • Beer • A shady past SETUP AND RULES

1. A player begins by admit­ ting something they’ve

never done, starting with the phrase “Never have I ever…” Players in the group who have done it must drink. 2. Play continues with new people admitting things (sex acts, usually) they’ve never done, and other people (perverts, usually) drinking.

PRO TIP Never play with family members or coworkers, unless you’re comfortable learning that your great-aunt Edna has, in fact, taken it up the rear. SKILL LEVEL

What he said is highly admissible in court.

You Need • Two or more players • Cans of beer • Darts SETUP AND RULES

1. Two players stand 10 to 20 feet across from each other; each place an unopened beer can at their feet or on a table. 2. Player gets three attempts to throw darts at his oppo­ nent’s can. (The opponent should move if he’d like to avoid a tetanus shot later on.) 3. If the can is punctured, the opponent must shotgun his beer and be replaced. 4. The frst person who punctures three cans wins the game—and life! PRO TIP Pick thin, steeltipped darts over heavier models, which can tip cans over. Try Fat Cat Beer Darts ($12, wayfair.com). SKILL LEVEL

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Those keys cost more than your house.

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Fa st Times WITH C.J. WILSON Take a spin with the hardest-working man in bro business. by PATRICK CARONE photographs by TURE LILLEGRAVEN

Funny or Die video in which he hawks his own line of actual douche bags—to realize…you really can’t help but root for Christopher John Wilson. g out Workinstyle in Rocky arehouse.” “the w

he guy’s gota be a douche, right? He just married supermodel Lisalla Montenegro (see page 66 for envyinducing details); he recently bought a north-of-a-million-dollars McLaren P1 hypercar (to add to the Porsche Carrera GT, the Acura NSX, the eight motorcycles, and the other McLaren already in his garage); he’s endorsed by major brands like Head & Shoulders; and at only 33 he owns a racing team. Oh, one more thing: He’s a two-time All-Star starting pitcher for the Anaheim Angels with a killer arm and a $77.5 million contract. Total prick, huh? Not so fast. Within minutes of meeting the shaggyhaired southpaw, it’s clear he’s one of the most obsessively driven success stories out there. He turns everything—from throwing a perfectly placed three-two breaking ball to nailing the apex in Turn 8 at Laguna Seca—into science, analyzing every aspect of a task until he’s mastered it. Even wooing his wife became an academic endeavor; he learned Portuguese just to let her know he was serious. He’s proudly straight-edge and has never had a drop of alcohol. Instead of partying with the rest of the team when on the 62

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road, he can be found taking meetings with investors for his burgeoning chain of Mazda and KTM motorcycle dealerships. (Wait, we didn’t mention he’s a successful entrepreneur, too?) And, yeah, he’s really ridiculously good-looking (which helps explain those Head & Shoulders ads). But he’s worked damn hard for what he has, and he’s made it all happen through an almost spiritual dedication. And it requires only a brief conversation about the charity he started for kids with lifethreatening illnesses—or the 38 seconds it takes to watch a totally self-aware

I’m sitting shotgun in a matte gray McLaren MP4-12C (top speed, 204 mph; 0–60 in 3.1 seconds) as C.J. Wilson zips south on California State Route 73. “There are usually cops at the bottom of this hill,” he says knowingly, explaining why we’ve slowed down to just around the speed limit. After hanging out in “the warehouse,” the garage in Costa Mesa where C.J. keeps three of his six cars as well as his many motorcycles, we’re heading to Saddleback College in Mission Viejo, where the lefty will be practicing some long throws with Steve Soliz, the Angels’ bullpen coach. In the course of our 30-minute journey, I get a crash course—no pun intended—in the player that manager Mike Scioscia likes to call “the most interesting man in the world.” (Sorry, Dos Equis dude.) Raised in nearby Huntington Beach, Wilson was traded to Anaheim from the Texas Rangers three seasons ago. It was here that he grew up staring at his two favorite posters: a Ferrari F40 on one wall and Ken Grifey Jr. on the other. “I didn’t want normal kid stuf,” he says. “My dad and I had frank conversations. I said, ‘I want to buy a Ferrari,’ and he’s like, ‘It’s about $100,000. How are you ever going to do that?’ I said I’d play for the Lakers. He said, ‘I’m six feet tall and white. You’re going to be six feet tall and white. Let’s be realistic. You’re not going to be Magic Johnson.’ So then I said, ‘How about baseball?’ ” C.J. Wilson was never the best kid in Little League. Back at the warehouse, his dad pays an impromptu visit, and he’s more than happy to share some tales from the old days. (“You’ll probably have to remove the curses,” C.J. jokes.) Much like his son, Jef Wilson is soft-spoken yet intense, and quick to reveal that his son wasn’t always an All-Star. “I remember he was trying out for a travel team, and the coach said, ‘He’s not big enough. He doesn’t throw fast enough.’ I wonder what that coach is doing now, watching TV while C.J. makes $70 million. I always say, ‘Little minds for a little league.’ ” As is often the case with such passions, a love of cars runs in the family; C.J.’s grandfather was a gearhead, and dad worked on a pit crew. “That was before Little League took over,” Papa Wilson laughs. “He and his brother were around

C.J. straddles his McLaren MP4-12C and Porsche Carrera GT. Not a cheap seat.

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ays C.J. s ” , f u t s rmal kid errari.” o n t n a w t “I didn’ o buy a F t d e t n a w “I races a lot—it was an inexpensive Friday night—but I wasn’t encouraging them to be drivers.” Why? “I saw too many accidents. Plus, there are very few people who make money doing it. It’s like being a rock musician: There’s the Rolling Stones, then there’s a whole lot of people who play in bars for drinks and a meal.”

from a business associate from his team, C.J. Wilson Racing. Founded in 2010, they’ve already won a championship, the 2012 Playboy Mazda MX-5 Cup, and just got back from the Rolex 24 in Daytona. (Racing works a lot like baseball, with these smaller outfts like Triple-A compared to NASCAR’s Sprint Cup teams.) C.J. is involved in every aspect of the team, from the sponsors to the mechanics to the drivers. Although he’s loved cars his whole life, the professional-racing bug really bit him in 2008, when he was on the Rangers’ disabled list with an elbow injury. Driving was way more on the forefront of his 64

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mind, as evidenced by the fact he named his Twitter account, one of the frst by a major leaguer, @str8edgeracer, not @ str8edgepitcher. (A self-professed tech geek, C.J. is currently obsessed with the trivia app QuizUp. Warning: Don’t take him on in dinosaur names!) Tyler McQuarrie, a team driver and close pal who’s known C.J. since he frst coached him in track driving in’08, immediately knew his new student was serious. “He progressed much faster than most. I think that’s due to the way C.J. looks at baseball. There’s a lot of physics involved in both sports, which he’s very interested in.” McQuarrie thinks running the team helps C.J.’s pitching. “If he has a bad game, without the racing team he wouldn’t have anything to pull himself away.” “Oh, I love dealing with the team and my dealerships between games,” C.J. says. “They give me something else to pay attention to.” Working a job that requires traveling helps as well. “I meet with sponsors and manufacturers all over the place,” he says as if this sort of behavior is

typical of all bazillionaire pro athletes. Something else that helps C.J. stay focused is his no-booze, no-drugs lifestyle. He’s got straightedge tattooed on his ribs and the Japanese characters for “poison-free” etched on his shoulder. Having dealt with family members with addiction problems growing up, he simply never saw the appeal of that kind of partying. “The other guys on the team, they hit the bars, they hit the clubs. I don’t do that. I try to save my energy.” It’s an approach he shares with teammate Josh Hamilton, the once-in-a-generation talent who has famously struggled with substance-abuse problems. When the Angels celebrate a big win, they both do so with ginger ale. As Hamilton tells us, “It’s always good to share something like that with a teammate. C.J. has chosen to be straight-edge, and I give him props for that.” It’s also a way of life he shares with a model named Lisalla Montenegro. “We met through my friend Jimmy. He told me, ‘You should really talk to this girl. She’s totally your type.’ ” What Brazilian supermodel isn’t some guy’s type? “She’s straight-edge like I am. Jimmy knew I had a diferent set of standards.” That’s not to say that courting Lisalla was easy. “When we started dating, I downloaded a language app called MindSnacks and learned some Portuguese.” “He was being creative, diferent,” says Lisalla, “and really showing that he was serious about getting to know me.” C.J. then states the obvious: “It was a good decision, if you know what I mean.”

campus, having successfully eluded Johnny Law, we fnally talk baseball. “If we can pitch better than last season and get Hamilton and [Albert] Pujols back to where they were,” he says, referring to the Angels superstars, who struggled in 2013, “we’re going to win a lot of games.” We also talk about what’s next for C.J., after his life in the bigs is over. Will managing the always-growing racing team and ever-expanding dealership chain be enough? Nope. “Once I’m done with baseball, my frst order of business is to get into racecar-driver shape—180 pounds, down from 210. It’ll be easy; the only reason I’m this big is baseball. You need big legs to pitch, but not to drive a car—it ruins your center of gravity…” McQuarrie already knows it’s going to happen. “If he didn’t have his contract commitment, he’d be out here racing with us now. Honestly, I look at him as a racecar driver who plays baseball.”

GROOMING, CRYSTAL TRAN/EXCLUSIVE ARTISTS

Atn. Angels not management: Do this photo. at k loo

C. J. Wilson not only throws heat; he also photographs it. Check out a couple of his favorite snaps of his lovely wife, Brazilian supermodel LISALLA MONTENEGRO. by PATRICK CARONE photographs by C.J. WILSON

Fastball? Check. Fast cars? Check. Think C.J. Wilson has it all? You don’t know the half of it. We’re very happy to introduce you to his stunning other half, Lisalla Montenegro (or Mrs. Wilson, if you prefer). The bodacious Brazilian—and soonto-be face of Lexus—was kind enough to share these pictures from their recent honeymoon in her home country. As for why she looks so comfortable, you can thank the photographer… that damn C. J. Wilson! Wow, C.J. is quite a photographer! He knows my body well, all my good angles. Plus, Brazil is such a beautiful place, and it felt like we had the whole beach to ourselves. It was us and turtles.

Any tips for our readers on how to date or marry a supermodel? Supermodels have seen everything around the world, and there isn’t much that can impress them, so be creative.

You’re in unbelievable shape. How do you do it? I love working out, and I get bored easily, so I’m always trying new things. I’ve tried everything from jujitsu to Pilates, but eating healthy is the whole key. It’s easier when both of us have a lot of discipline in that regard.

What part of your body are you most proud of? I’m very proud of my Brazilian curves. My modeling agency isn’t always thrilled, though!

Do you love cars as much as C.J.? We know C.J. charmed you by learning Portuguese, but did you hear any bad pickup lines in your single days? Usually at the gym: “So where are you from?” “How long have you been working out here?” “I have a cool exercise to show you…” Oh, baby!

Do you have any instant turnofs? Smokers and heavy drinkers are a really huge bum-out.

I love driving, and I’m working on getting my racing license, but only one of us makes racecar noises at home, in the car, and at the store.

What’s the sexiest mode of transportation? There’s something about riding motorcycles. I’m not sure if it’s the leather suits or the rumble of the engine, but those usually are good days!

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I do a cameo in this movie. I think an Icon should keep it short.

Garry Shandling The man behind TV’s most infuential comedies talks Captain America and digestive issues. By Dan Bova

How are you, Garry? I’m good, buddy. Let me just turn the TV of. An Icon really shouldn’t be watching television in the daytime. Although the real Icon is whatever woman is on the page before this interview.

What are you watching? I suppose this won’t be timely by the time this prints, but it is hilarious watching CNN bouncing around between the State of the Union address and the snowstorm in Atlanta. You can’t tell what they’re showing. Is the person shivering because they’re a Republican reacting to the speech, or are they someone stuck on the side of the freeway? And they haven’t really tied it together as a metaphor for our country, but they show wheels spinning in the snow, and then you have this sweeping view of Congress and you just see the wheels spinning again.

I can’t get the theme song to It’s Garry Shandling’s Show out of my head. What should I do? I’ll give you life advice here: Become one with it and then eventually let go. When we’re done and I hang up, that’s when it stops. You did the right thing: I’m the source of your pain, and this interview is about you and your issues with me.

The Larry Sanders Show was one of TV’s greatest comedies, but I don’t think you get enough credit for the whole “celebrities playing horrible versions of themselves”

construct. You see it on Curb Your Enthusiasm, Extras. You paved the way for that.

What type of player are you?

Well, I don’t think we ought to get involved in what I deserve credit for. I appreciate it, but it’s going to bleed over into my personal life, and I would have to tell you how many people haven’t called me back that should have to say, “Hey, thanks!”

At two separate times you had an ofer to take over the late-night spot afer Leterman but turned it down. Why deprive us, Garry?

Do you enjoy your status as an elder statesman of comedy? You know, Vince Vaughn has, for many years, had the nickname Sherif for me, and I honestly do enjoy the respect. But I’ve been trying to get Vince to up the Sherif. So maybe he’ll get the idea after he reads this.

Do you have a nickname for him? I have two nicknames. But they’re bedroom names that I can’t repeat here.

You play Senator Stern in Captain America: The Winter Soldier. Yes, I do a cameo in this movie. I think an Icon should keep it short. I didn’t even have the whole script because… Icons, we just don’t need it.

So you didn’t even know that this is a comic book movie? You’re kidding!

You have a legendary Hollywood basketball game at your house. Ever ask people not to return because they suck or get crazy competitive? [long pause] Yes.

I’m a guy I have to ask not to come back.

One of Jay Leno’s great strengths is his stamina, and I couldn’t see myself doing this for 30 years. I’m not a man of longterm commitment. And now what you have in Jimmy Fallon is a diferent kind of artist who is as phenomenal as we’ve seen in years. I’m a big fan.

Is boxing still a passion of yours? Yes, but I just eased up because—this is not something you hear pro boxers say— I had some digestive issues recently, [laughs] so I didn’t want to take a punch to the stomach. But I’ll be back.

You’ve been known to pop up onstage. What’s been on your mind? Well, recently I went on and thought, I don’t know what people see in me, but a lot of my friends say, “Isn’t it time to get a dog?” I always remember George Carlin’s saying that when you buy a dog, you’re buying a little tragedy. The pain of when they pass away is unbearable. But as I’m getting older, I think I’ll wait a few more years and then get a dog so he’s got a little something to worry about. I’d like to see concern in his eyes going, “How’s this going to end up?” And, uh…I didn’t know I was going to say that! So there ya go. It seems like we’re at the end, which is where I always say, “My God, thank you, good night, I said some things I meant.”

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HISTORY ’S MOST DARING ESC APES Wrongfully (or rightfully) imprisoned? A s histor y shows, time plus creativity plus a good spoon equals freedom. Take a look back at the most death-def ying, audacious, and insane ways prisoners made their own get-out-of-jail-free cards. by ADAM LI N E HAN illustrations by K AGAN M AC LE O D

1

2

3

YEAR

1962 ESC APEES

Frank Morris, Clarence Anglin, John Anglin PRISON

Alcatraz, California

4

Situated on a tiny island in San Francisco Bay, Alcatraz was notoriously America’s most inescapable prison, housing the likes of Al Capone, “Machine Gun” Kelly, and the Birdman of (wait for it) Alcatraz. Before Frank Morris and the Anglin brothers fed, 31 inmates had atempted escape, all resulting in death or recapture. Using spoons to tunnel into the cell vent (1), Morris and the Anglins executed the prison’s most brazen escape atempt ever. On the night of June 11, afer six months of planning, they placed papier-mâché dummies in their beds (2), climbed to the Alcatraz roof and over a security fence (3), and then took to the frigid bay waters in a raf made from prison-issue raincoats (4)…only to vanish. A 17-year investigation concluded that the men had drowned; their bodies, however, have never been found.

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THIS WAY OUT

YEAR

YEAR

1944

1934

ESC APEES

ESC APEE

Rudolf Vrba, Alfred Wetzler

John Dillinger

C ONC E N T R AT ION C A MP

PRISON

Auschwitz, Poland

Lake County Jail

Determined to raise awareness of the atrocities of Auschwitz, Jewish prisoners Rudolf Vrba and Alfred Wetzler hatched a plot to escape, hiding for three days beneath a woodpile located between the inner and outer fences encircling the camp and using gasoline­ soaked tobacco to throw guard dogs of their scent. Knowing that once news of their escape broke, guards would sound the alarm, the pair waited in total silence. On the fourth day they emerged and fed to Slovakia, where they wrote the Vrba­Wetzler Report, alerting the world to the tragedy of the Holocaust.

After a string of bank rob­ beries, the infamous John Dillinger found himself in Lake County Jail awaiting trial for the murder of an Indiana cop. Authorities boasted that the facility was inescapable, but that didn’t stop the wily Dillinger. As the story goes, he carved a fake Colt .38 from wood (replica above) and used it to scare a guard into releasing him from his cell. He then locked up the rest of the guards and fed to Chicago, where he plunged right back into criminal life. Well, for a few months anyway: He was gunned down by a team of G­men later that year.

YEAR

Houdini. After lubing up with skin ointment, the 5'4" Choi slithered through a 6"x18" food slot in his cell before slipping past three sleeping guards to freedom. An investigator who reviewed footage of the inci­ dent told reporters that Choi escaped “in less than a minute after moving fexibly like an octopus.” The human octopus was recaptured six days later.

2012 ESC APEE

Choi Gap-bok PRISON

Daegu, South Korea Choi Gap­bok combined his criminal cunning and advanced yoga skills to escape jail, earning himself the nickname the Korean

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HIST ORY ’S MOST DA RING ESC A PES

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1597 ESC APEE

John Gerard PRISON

Tower of London While incarcerated in the Tower of London for the high crime of being a Jesuit priest in Elizabethan England, John Gerard was repeatedly tortured but never divulged the whereabouts of his fellow clergymen. He endured the torture so well, in fact, that

his captors eventually threw in the bloody towel. All the while Gerard was orchestrat­ ing his escape, communi­ cating with his confederates using invisible ink made from diluted orange juice. One night he hacked through his cell door and made his way to the outer mat, where a boat was awaiting him. Despite hands mangled from torture, Gerard managed to climb down a rope and into the boat, then rowed down ye olde Thames to freedom.

YEAR

1944 ESC APEES

76 Allied POWs PRISON

Stalag Luf III, Germany YEAR

When the Nazis constructed Stalag Luf III, the goal was to make escape virtually impossible. Barracks were set on stilts to discourage tunneling through the foors, and microphones were used to detect the sound of digging. But that didn’t stop 200 Allied POWs from taking a stab at it. The Great Escape, as it’s come to be known, famously involved the digging of three tunnels: “Tom,” “Dick,” and “Harry.” Harry, the only one to reach completion, was tricked out with air pumps, rail systems, and electric lights, all made from scavenged materials. Two hundred POWs made a break for it—76 escaped, 73 were recaptured, and 50 executed. Ultimately only three made it back to Allied territory, two of whom were so enraged that they headed right back into service.

1755 ESC APEE

Casanova PRISON

The Leads, Italy When he was fnally arrested for his wicked ways, legendary Italian cocksman Giacomo Casanova was sentenced to fve years in the Leads, an “inescapable” prison atop the Doge’s Palace in Venice. But Casanova was not easily de-

terred. With spit and a stone, he fashioned an iron spike, which he smuggled to a fellow inmate in a Bible topped with a plate of pasta. After tunneling through the ceiling, the pair came upon one last impregnable door. Luckily Casanova could impregnate anything, and after being mistaken for civilians they were released back into the world, where Casanova spent the rest of his life making sweet love to everyone and everything.

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YEARS

YEAR

2001, 2003, 2007

2013

ESC APEE

ESC APEES

Pascal Payet

Joseph Jenkins, Charles Walker

PRISONS

Luynes and Grasse Prisons, France Ever since he was frst incarcerated in the late ’90s, prolifc French criminal Pascal Payet has taken part in three spectacular helicopter-borne escapes. In 2001, while doing time for murder, Payet and a fellow inmate were plucked from prison in a helicopter his buddy had hijacked at gunpoint. Afer two years on the lam, Payet headed back to the same prison—aboard a helicopter— to pick up some pals he’d lef behind, using a power saw and a rope ladder to extract them from the prison yard (above). Payet was subsequently captured, reincarcerated, and placed under heavy surveillance. Then, in 2007, a group of gunmen descended on the prison in yet another copter and snatched Payet up again. Two months later authorities found him in Spain and jailed him in a secret location, hopefully not next to a helicopter store. 74

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PRISON

Franklin Correctional Institution, Florida On September 27, convicted murderer Joseph Jenkins walked out of a Florida prison using forged documents stating that his life sentence had been reduced. Eleven days later fellow inmate Charles Walker did the same. Luckily for Floridians, U.S. Marshals found the duo shacked up in a Panama City motel. Note to fugitives: If you’re going to fee, try crossing state lines, OK?

THIS WAY OUT

HIST ORY ’S MOST DA RING ESC A PES

YEAR

1983 ESC APEES

38 IRA paramilitaries PRISON

Maze Prison, Belfast During the “troubles” of Northern Ireland in the latter half of the 20th century, Maze Prison housed those convicted of paramilitary activity, most of them members of the Irish Republican Army. Heavily fortifed, the Maze was considered one of the world’s most escapeproof penitentiaries. But in 1983 a group of IRA prisoners pulled of the biggest escape in the U.K.’s history. After accumulating a small arsenal of weapons, the inmates jumped the guards and took them hostage. A hijacked food truck then ferried the inmates to the main gate. Thirty-eight prisoners successfully escaped, leaving seven guards wounded—one fatally—in their wake.

YEAR

1979 ESC APEES

Tim Jenkin, Stephen Lee, Alex Moumbaris PRISON

Pretoria, South Africa In apartheid South Africa in the ’70s, Pretoria Central Prison was the ofcial site of capital punishment, and it’s where Tim Jenkin was serving 12 years for distributing antiapartheid literature. To break

free Jenkin and fellow inmates Stephen Lee and Alex Moumbaris spent 18 months carving 10 wooden keys, one for each steel door that stood between their cells and freedom. To ensure the keys properly ft the locks, the trio made countless dry runs. And it paid of, at least until they came to an 11th door. Using a chisel, they managed to break it open and, once outside, escaped South Africa and eventually settled in England.

YEAR

1864 ESC APEES

109 Union Army ofcers PRISON

Libby Prison, Virginia During the American Civil War, 1,000 Union Army ofcers were incarcerated at the Confederate-run Libby Prison in Richmond, Virginia. A converted warehouse on the banks of the James River,

Libby was infamous for its squalid conditions and high mortality rate. The escape began when 109 inmates chiseled a passage into an abandoned, rat-infested section of the prison’s basement, then tunneled through the foor, resurfacing 17 days later under a nearby tobacco shed. They hit the streets of Richmond, and 59 ultimately made it back to Union territory, where they presumably smoked victory cigars.

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THE SLEAZIEST CASTING COUCH IN AMERICA

he drive from Arizona State University’s Tempe campus to the nondescript ofce in an industrial park behind the Scotsdale Municipal Airport is relatively short, 30 minutes or so. But for an 18-year-old ASU freshman from a small town in Texas, it seemed to take forever—and would prove to be the most fateful trip of her life. It was a warm September night in 2010 when the young woman, whom we’ll call Stacey, walked out of her dormitory in the heart of Tempe, hopped into the passenger seat of a car driven by a middle-aged man named Eric Whittaker, and took the short drive north. If the two talked, Stacey doesn’t remember the conversation, only that it was “uncomfortable.” Stacey’s sense of discomfort was not misplaced. The stocky, otherwise forgettable Whittaker happened to be an amateur pornographer, one who operates at least two Scottsdale-based Web sites that make sport out of preying upon, and in many cases humiliating, female members of ASU’s young, often naive, and overwhelmingly attractive student body. And Stacey, a thin, leggy blonde, was on her way to his single-desk ofce to be his “model” for the night. For one of Whittaker’s sites, Backroom Casting Couch, the gimmick is simple:

He pretends to be a talent agent who can help young models interested in porn make thousands of dollars a day by introducing them to casting directors. The catch is they have to have sex with him on flm—for free—so he has something to show these alleged directors. In his introduction to each video, the unseen Whittaker explains, “Backroom Casting Couch is a Web site about the real-life interactions that occur during adult modeling interviews,” before describing in explicit detail what these models will be doing. But then he lets viewers in on a little secret: “I’m not a talent agent…and there is no modeling job.” In Stacey’s clip the scene starts with home-video-quality footage of Whittaker sitting alone in an ofce talking into a camera. He then goes into the hallway, walks outside, and fnds Stacey waiting. He pretends to introduce himself—as if

they hadn’t just spent 30 minutes together in a car—and invites her inside. The two briefy make small talk before he asks to see some ID. Stacey happily displays both her driver’s license and her ASU student ID card—a move that later would prove to be a life-altering mistake.

THE VALLEY OF THE SUN HAS BE-

come a magnet for this type of low-budget amateur porn. In addition to BRCC, there’s Amateur Allure, the Lightspeed Media network, Aziani.com, Taryn It Up Entertainment, and countless others. There are gay sites, softcore sites, and big-time production studios all based in the Valley. Porn legend Jenna Jameson even founded her Club Jenna empire in the Phoenix Valley. Why do they come to the desert to set up shop? Well, one reason is girls like Stacey: cute young coeds struggling to make tuition at one

of the biggest party schools in the country. That’s where guys like Whittaker (who didn’t respond to multiple calls seeking comments) come in. Several young women featured on Whittaker’s sites have been identified as ASU students, including some, like Stacey, so brazen as to display their student IDs. Whittaker’s other Web site, Exploited College Girls, is slightly less gimmicky. There’s no pretense of ignorance on the part of the women featured on the site; they’re simply there for sex. But it plays of the same general theme: giving the appearance of exploiting young women. It’s right there in the name. Exploited College Girls doesn’t exclusively feature girls from ASU, or even from Arizona. Many come from Florida, Texas, California, and other states, but they’re often fown into Scottsdale to shoot their scenes. In each case the producer identifes the college—or in some cases the high school—that the young woman attends and then briefy explains why she decided to appear in a low-budget porn fick. The typical answer: money. But while many of the girls featured on ECG claim to come from schools like UCLA or USC, the majority identify themselves as ASU Sun Devils. On the ECG site the producer describes Arizona State as a “bottomless well of exploitable college girls” that includes such Sun Devils as “Skyler,” “Mindy,” “Savannah,” and “Ashley.” Eric Whittaker isn’t the frst pornographer to fnd a wealth of “talent” at ASU; the university and the Phoenix Valley have a long history with dirty movies, which has led to speculation that Arizona could become the next mecca of the adult industry. That has proved to be a thorn in the heel of local politicians as well

as university administrators, who are desperately trying to rebrand ASU as the “New American University,” an institution that’s better known for its sustainability research and top-notch business school than for keg parties and porn stars. In 2002 the university selected Michael Crow as its new president and tasked him with leading the charge. Shortly after his appointment, Crow was hit with his frst of many porn scandals. The previous September an amateur porn outft called Shane’s World decided to shoot a flm at ASU in which female porn stars walked into frat houses and performed a variety of sex acts with the residents. They dubbed it a “sexual scavenger hunt.” Enter Brian Buck, a hard-partying fraternity brother at one of the university’s most unruly houses, Sigma Nu. In one of the Shane’s World scenes, porn star Calli Cox knocks on the door of the Sigma Nu house and explains what she and the Shane’s World crew are up to. Cut to Cox and Buck flming a shower scene together as his frat buddies chant “Buck, Buck, Buck!” in the background. Fast-forward six months and Buck is elected executive vice president of ASU’s Associated Students. Before long the administration catches wind of the video and acts swiftly. After a full-scale investigation, Buck is evicted from Sigma Nu, banned from campus housing and employment, and placed on permanent probation. Today he runs an auto wholesale business in Oregon. A few years later ASU had another scandal involving a university cheerleader who’d left the Sun Devil squad to pursue a career in porn, one that began with a scene with the Phoenix-based production company Amateur Allure.

When Courtney Cox (stage name: Courtney Simpson) left ASU, she took her cheerleader outft with her—and wore it as she had sex in a flm called Gina Lynn’s Double Dutch. Once again the university leaped into action, reportedly seeking legal recourse against the production company for trademark and intellectual property in fringement concerning the Azizona State cheerleading uniform. So it’s not as if Arizona State has condoned this behavior—far from it. But this brings us back to Stacey, the poster girl for the university’s most recent triple-X headache.

SITTING IN WHITTAKER’S OFFICE,

Stacey knew she was in over her head, even though she was fully cognizant of Whittaker’s “casting couch” gimmick. Anyone who buys into the notion that his “models” have no idea they’ve been brought to his ofce for sex might as well ask him for a tour of his unicorn ranch, too. The models know Whittaker isn’t a talent agent before they ever take a seat on his infamous black leather couch. They know he’s not sending their “demo” to directors. And they know they’re getting paid, typically $2,000, to feign obliviousness to the fact that they’re about to have sex with a middleaged man in an empty ofce on the edge of the desert. In other words, it may be “amateur,” but it’s still all an act. In Stacey’s case, the hookup with Whittaker came by way of a convicted sex ofender named Antonio Gonzalez. Gonzalez was arrested in 2010 on charges related to child pornography, and he is now looking at a rather lengthy prison sentence after pleading guilty

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in November to sexual exploitation of a minor. But before getting pinched, he ran a less-than-reputable agency called Gonzo Modeling, which gained a degree of notoriety for grooming girls for many of the Valley’s shady amateur porn operations, including Whittaker’s. New to Arizona, Stacey didn’t know about Gonzalez’s reputation and was happy to sign a contract with him on the recommendation of another photographer she’d contacted when she started looking for modeling work. At frst the business relationship between Stacey and “Gonzo” was everything she’d hoped for as an aspiring model. “We did beautiful and very tasteful photographs before anything about porn was ever mentioned,” she says. But the trap was set. According to Stacey, Gonzalez then met her at the ASU student union and brought his pal Whittaker along with him. Stacey says the two presented her with a contract that provided her with steady work as long as she modeled exclusively for Gonzo. In her 18-year-old mind, Stacey had made it: a modeling contract that would help pay the bills while she attended ASU on a $30,000 scholarship. She signed without blinking an eye. But according to Stacey, there was some fne print she had neglected to read, specifcally the part about having to have sex with a dumpy, middle-aged low-budget-porn producer on flm. Shortly after signing, Stacey says, Whittaker and Gonzalez explained the clause she’d failed to notice. But, they said, there was a way out. “[They told me] I had to pay a $3,500 fee if I didn’t do it. I wasn’t smart enough to know it was a scam,” she says. Without the $3,500, or the sense to con-

tact an attorney, Stacey gave in, and the next thing she knew she was sitting there in this crummy ofce with Whittaker. After Stacey fashed her ASU ID, the pair engaged in a bit more small talk, and then, like many young women before her and many since, Stacey was naked on the couch with Whittaker standing over her explaining that he needed to see her perform sexually before he could show her “demo tape” to casting directors. “They can’t just hire a pretty face,” he explains when she pretends to resist, knowing full well what’s in store. Simultaneously, Stacey, who wanted out, was planning her escape. “I was terrifed,” she recalls. Reluctantly playing the role of a clueless wannabe porn star, Stacey asks if she’ll be getting paid for the scene. Told “not today,” she gives in, as scripted, and she and Whittaker get down to business. While the drive to the industrial park had been uncomfortable, Stacey describes the ride back to her dorm as “a blur.” When Whittaker dropped her of, he handed her $2,000 “for her troubles.” Stacey says she then went back to her dorm and cried. “I got sick after everything was done. I threw up for a good 15 minutes,” she says. She told no one about her night on Whittaker’s couch.

THE TRUTH IS THAT, DESPITE ASU’S

pornographic past, the university isn’t a breeding ground for wannabe sex stars. It is, however, the largest university in the country, and pornographers have noticed that it’s an easy hunting ground. “There are a ton of beautiful women at ASU, most of them from small communities around the country who don’t know the dangers of assholes like Whittaker,”

Stacey says. “Someone tells them they are pretty and should model, they believe them, and ta-da, these scam artists have them in the palms of their hands.” When alerted to the fact that there are dozens of women identifying themselves as ASU students on a raunchy amateurporn Web site, university spokeswoman Sharon Keeler seems to be in denial. “There is no ‘amateur porn industry’ at ASU,” Keeler says. “We are unaware of the situation you describe and are interested to know what information you have gathered and from whom that attests to the reality of an amateur porn industry in the area that is recruiting ASU students.” And it’s true: The university doesn’t have a porn industry; it just happens to be surrounded by one. ASU’s own weekly student magazine ran an article in 2010 with the headline “Does ASU Have a Porn Problem?” It certainly doesn’t help that the Exploited College Girls Web site features more than a few female ASU students or that the porn site Sun Devil Angels celebrated a nonexistent connection to the university until a lawsuit forced it to shut down last year. Mike South is a 20-year veteran of the amateur porn genre and runs two amateur Web sites, as well as a porn gossip blog that’s broken some of the biggest news in the adult industry. “My interview process is like this: I’m looking for reasons not to shoot you,” he tells Maxim. “If it’s a nice girl from a nice family, I’ll ask, ‘Why the hell do you want to do something like this?’ I don’t want a girl to do it for the wrong reason. I don’t want to put myself in a position where she’ll be coming back to me telling me to take it down.” Ethan Singer, who owns an adult video store near the ASU campus, says the

porn industry in Phoenix is diferent than it is in other cities—it’s sleazier. “A lot of the girls I know who did porn in the Valley—it’s not like L.A., it’s not like they’re happy about it,” he says. “Most of the girls who are serious about it are gonna go to L.A. or Miami, but there’s all these amateur Web sites in Phoenix.” In Singer’s opinion, several contributing factors have made Arizona attractive to amateur porn producers, Phoenix’s proximity to ASU being one of them. “If I wanted to,” he says, “I could put up a Craigslist ad right now, and within 30 minutes I would have an endless number of girls looking to do it.”

FOLLOWING HER SCENE, STACEY

returned to her dorm fguring the worst was over. In reality, though, the consequences of getting into bed with Whittaker, fguratively and literally, were just getting started. She says Whittaker assured her that her video would appear only behind a pay wall on the Backroom Casting Couch site. What actually happened was that Whittaker blasted Stacey’s video onto the Internet via free porn sites like PornHub and YouPorn.com, where anyone with a laptop could view it. For Whittaker the only thing better than getting an 18-year-old ASU girl to have sex with him on flm is getting an 18-year-old ASU girl to have sex with him on flm and having the whole world know about it. Shortly after Stacey flmed her scene, a post appeared on gossip site TheDirty.com, which has broken some big-time stories (including that of shamed former congressman Anthony Weiner), about an 18-year-old who lost her $30,000 scholarship to ASU because she appeared in a porn flm. But not only did she appear in the flm; she also fashed her ASU student ID. The story had to be legit. Within hours the media, including London’s Daily Mail, Gawker, and countless news services, were reporting that a student had lost her scholarship because she did porn. And they all featured a picture of Stacey holding her ASU ID.

None of these sites bothered to check to see if the story was actually true, and it wasn’t: Stacey never lost her scholarship; nor had ASU even heard about her video until it was reported in the media. True or not, an ASU girl doing porn was nothing new, and therefore not a story. An ASU girl losing a scholarship for doing porn was. A few other Backroom Casting Couch alums also appeared on TheDirty.com, and in several cases they too were pictured on Whittaker’s couch holding their ASU IDs. “I didn’t know it was viral online until October 10,” Stacey says of the story. “I remember the day very, very well. I had never even seen porn until hundreds of people sent me links of myself. “I still hardly talk to anyone about it. I was very shy and embarrassed by the whole thing,” she says. “I’m not the kind of woman to fnd myself the laughingstock of the porn world.” But it wasn’t just the porn world. Shortly after she flmed the video, her friends, her family, the university, and the blogosphere found out about Stacey’s trip to the casting couch. The negative attention and endless harassment ultimately led to her leaving school, but not before a nervous breakdown and a suicide attempt. “I came about two seconds from jumping of the Mill Avenue Bridge before someone stopped me and carried me to the beach park and made sure I called someone to pick me up,” Stacey says. For the record, she has nothing but good things to say about the way the university responded to her situation. “ASU was really great. The Arizona Board of Regents refused to comment,

and ASU’s deans and presidents were very quick to talk to me to make sure I was OK,” Stacey says. “I had the ASU Legal Department and Counseling and Consultation on my side throughout the process, and they almost immediately started sending legal notices of my intent to sue for misusing information.” As for what she’d say to other young Sun Devils tempted by the easy money that guys like Whittaker are ofering: “Don’t ever do it. It may sound easy, but it was awful, and I’m still paying for it today. There is always another option.” According to Richard Gaxiola, a crim inal defense attorney in Phoenix, if Stacey’s story about Whittaker threatening to sue her in order to fulfll their contract is true, then he has broken several Arizona laws. “Procurement by false pretenses of a person for purposes of prostitution may even be stronger if her facts are true,” Gaxiola says. “[If] a person knowingly, by false representations or other fraudulent means, procures any other person to have illicit carnal relation, they are guilty of a Class 6 felony.” One local elected ofcial in Phoenix— the county’s top prosecutor, Maricopa County attorney Bill Montgomery—has vowed to fght the porn industry at every turn, accusing pornographers of engaging in prostitution. Still, Gaxiola cites several “constitutional hurdles” that make it difcult to prosecute pornographers under state pandering or prostitution laws because there is no “customer”—the people being paid are actors who are not technically being paid for sex. Rather, they’re knowingly being paid to appear in movies that just happen to have sex in them. A lawyer could argue that Whittaker is technically a customer paying women to have sex with him, but given the language of the law, it would be a stretch. In other words, with the state’s lack of regulation of the porn industry—and with no shortage of attractive, young, naive women—shady porn producers like Whittaker will continue to fock to the Valley of the Sun.

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The NFL, NBA, NHL, and MLB not enough to quench your thirst for sports? Then take a trip around the globe and marvel at mankind’s most peculiar pastimes. Pass the decapitated goat—we’re open!

KEY

by BEN K ASSOY

Potentially Lethal

Requires Livestock

Drinking Encouraged

Non-Athletes Welcome

Centuries-Old Tradition

Glorifed Recess Game

Protect Your Nuts

BUZKASHI CATCH A GAME HERE: Afghanistan

If Disney on Ice isn’t in town the next time you’re in Afghanistan, take the kids to a game of buzkashi, or goat dragging. You’ll see horsemen struggling to control a decapitated goat carcass. (Or as the travel brochure probably says, “Fun for the whole family!”) The rules are simple yet strictly enforced by military ofcers: Ride into the end zone holding the dead goat, don’t use weapons to murder your opponent, and don’t fall of and die. OK, kids, who wants some cotton candy?

“See, Dad? I told you I’d go pro!” said the goat.

CAR SOCCER CATCH A GAME HERE: England

Made famous by BBC’s Top Gear, car soccer—ahem, “car football,” as they insist on calling it—is like a David Beckham cameo in Tokyo Drift. Two teams of fve drivers slide out, burn rubber, and inevitably collide trying to push a giant ball into a net. Also played at demolition derbies across the U.S., it’s like regular soccer, only on four wheels and, er, watchable.

We can only hope they’re wearing shin guards.

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UNDERWATER HOCKEY CATCH A GAME HERE: Australia

Two six-player teams equipped with small sticks and snorkels grapple on the bottom of a pool for a weighted puck in this odd hybrid, which started in England but is now popular worldwide. Expect lots of gasping for air and slow-motion tangling of limbs. Ice hockey players may scof, until they black out from overexertion. You haven’t lived till you’ve been cross-checked by a man in a Speedo. Two minutes in the penalty box for peeing.

BE A CHAMPION

THESE ARE DEFINITELY THE ODDEST COMPETITIONS OUT THERE. GO GET SOME GLORY!

FLORA-BAMA MULLET TOSS

Southerners raise money for charity by competing to toss a dead fsh—called a mullet—across the Alabama state line into Florida. It’s (obviously) followed by a bikini contest. Goes down in: April Click: forabama.com

CHEESE ROLLING

Drunken Brits chase a coveted wheel of cheese down a hill so steep it’s almost a clif. They tumble down and (literally) break their crowns for a chance at the grand prize: the cheese itself! Goes down in: May Click: cheese-rolling.co.uk

SEGWAY POLO CATCH A GAME HERE: San Francisco

Nope, nothing nerdy going on here!

Finally, a sport for mall cops! Popularizing this dorktastic game is the second most notable accomplishment of Apple cofounder Steve Wozniak. It’s played like regular polo, only at a max speed of 12.5 mph. Also, “right of way” rules prohibit cutting of other players. If you’re lucky, someone will score. If you’re really lucky, some hedge-fund owner will take an epic fall from his $6,000 nerdmobile.

GREASED-POLE CLIMB

Indonesians celebrate their country’s independence by climbing giant greased poles topped with household appliances. (Apparently Sears is closed on national holidays.) Goes down in: August Click: indonesia.travel

NORTH AMERICAN WIFE CARRYING CHAMPIONSHIP

Whipped dudes haul their wives through a Tough Mudder–esque course. Biggest challenges: sandpits, water obstacles, and incessant nagging. Goes down in: October Click: wife-carrying.org

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Sorry, Top Gun: You’ve just been outsexied.

BOSSABALL CATCH A GAME HERE: Spain

Bossaball makes other beach games seem as fun as Excel. That’s because teams of four to fve bounce around on trampolines surrounded by infatables, then bump, set, spike, or bicycle-kick the ball over a net. Even the ref is more like a cruise ship’s poolside games director. He makes calls, sure, but also mans a microphone, drums, and a DJ set as a sexy soundtrack bumps in the background. Just imagine Pitbull in zebra stripes making simultaneous out-of-bounds and frozen-margarita calls.

Thank God they have free health care.

Where’s Buddy the Elf when you need him?

ROYAL SHROVETIDE FOOTBALL

TEAM SNOWBALL FIGHTING

CATCH A GAME HERE: England

CATCH A GAME HERE: Japan

An English town’s annual football game meets soccer riot makes the NFL look as hardcore as The View. It sounds familiar: two teams, two end zones, one ball. Diference is, each team has hundreds of drunken players, the end zones are separated by an entire town, and the ball is a human head (well, used to be, until they changed the rules). The main rule—“Murder and manslaughter are barred”—still stands. Thank goodness!

More than 20,000 spectators trudge to the annual ShowaShinzan International Yukigassen Tournament, where teams from around the (snow) globe dodge, dip, dive, and duck around a volleyball-size court lined with barricades. Think of it as dodgeball meets capture the fag, as teams eliminate opponents with direct hits, then try to grab a fag from the other team’s side. What’s Japanese for “Bundle up, bitch!”?

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DETROIT

Crime lowlights: Last year Detroit’s police celebrated reaching 36 hours without a homicide. Way to go, guys! MMA fghter Charles Rowan (who’d just faked his own death over a drug debt) was busted for robbing a gun store with a hammer. Highland Park mayor Deandre Windom was shot while partying at the club while former mayor Kwame Kilpatrick was partying in jail on corruption charges. People are so poor they’re using copper stolen from scrap yards as currency. A grieving man looted his father’s remains for a planned resurrection. Love never dies!

NEW ORLEANS

Crime lowlights: A man was so hungry he fred a gun at his wife when she didn’t know what was for dinner. A woman woke up her lazy beau by pouring boiling water on him. He smartly didn’t hit the snooze buton. When a fsheries agent told a man to stop fshing for oysters in polluted waters, the man responded with a hatchet atack. A certain granny deserves a “World’s Worst” mug for nailing her grandson with a knife she threw at her ex-boyfriend. One guy imprisoned his pal for smoking crack without him. There’s a reason NOLA is pronounced “no law.”

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MIAMI

Crime lowlights: A man was viciously assaulted by his lady for not replying when asked if the turkey got basted. One couple pistol-whipped a guy who botched their cofee order. A man was threatened with a knife for asking a dinner guest to stop picking at the ham before it was plated. A religious Romeo treated his girlfriend to a forced exorcism. An armed robber who couldn’t get a siter brought her babies along. A dog owner was stabbed afer his pooch ate his girlfriend’s pot. One dude killed his lover because he didn’t like her astrological sign. (In fairness, she was a Taurus.)

OKLAHOMA CITY

Crime lowlights: “Death by atomic wedgie” is now a real way to die, thanks to an OKC man who killed his stepdad by yanking his undies over his head and sufocating him. Upon being arrested, a male and a female perp hid loaded guns up their respective rectum and lady parts. The gal got fngered during a search, but the dude made it 16 hours in his cell, until guards heard him bragging about his pooper shooter. A woman told cops that she’d seduced her cat (while threatening to knife a neighbor). A Peeping Tom got cozy in the septic tank of a public restroom. Shithead.

SAN FRANCISCO

CAMDEN, N.J.

Crime lowlights: A 26-year-old bit and pummeled his parents when they wouldn’t allow him to see the family cat. Somebody poisoned botles of Starbucks orange juice. Hey, stay away from our macchiatos, you monster! A man tried to throw his wife over a bridge, but karma intervened and he fell in himself. A robber held up a school’s bingo fund-raiser. A man assaulted several subway riders with violent naked acrobatics. Another train commuter smoked crack and then made love to a seat. In San Fran, always take the trolley.

Crime lowlights: Residents describe life in Camden as “like Armageddon,” and they don’t mean the shity movie where Ben Afeck puts animal crackers on Liv Tyler’s belly. The city lost half its police force in 2011 to funding cuts, and as a result—surprise!—burglaries exploded by 65 percent. When the per capita murder rate grew to 10 times that of N.Y.C., Camden claimed the title of Most Dangerous Place in America. A third of the shots fred don’t even get reported, because locals can’t be bothered. We take it back: This might actually be worse than a Ben Afeck movie.

CHR

ISTI

by AN S MIT

H illust ratio n s by AND REW R AE

We examined thousands of police blotters to find the bat-shittiest community of criminals in the country. Degenerates, rent your U-Hauls now. Or just steal one!

BALTIMORE

CHICAGO

Crime lowlights: An imprisoned gang leader managed to run a drug-smuggling ring with help from 13 female prison guards, four of whom were carrying his babies. Speaking of great moms, a local man was humiliated when his police standof was interrupted by his overbearing ma, who swiped his weapons—two swords!—and then began a standof of her own. One poetic perv wanted to write love notes to a lady he’d been peeping on, and since he didn’t have any Post-its handy, he used the back of his own court summons. Romance isn’t dead—it’s in prison!

Crime lowlights: Ex-mayor Chester Stranczek helped pipe polluted water into constituents’ faucets. Mmm, chemicals! A husky customer bludgeoned a store owner with a bat for not carrying XXXL tank tops. One thirsty perp crashed into two apartments demanding beer, then stabbed a wine lover with a corkscrew. A pair of lovebirds did some stabbing of their own (nudge, nudge) on top of two corpses. And for the fnale, a naked street dancer shatered a windshield with his ass, then dove into a mud puddle for a drink. Has to be beter than what’s in Chicago’s taps.

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CARNAL KNOWLEDGE

The Helpful Hottie

2013 Hometown Hotties finalist ROSE BUSTER is here to answer all your questions. Is it weird for men to post selfies? —Frankie Alvarez I don’t think so. Just don’t post selfies from the gym. Put the phone down and work out. I’m in my 20s. Is it ridiculous fo me to get braces? —Jesse Hughes Not at all. I wouldn’t mind

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kissing a guy with braces, but I don’t want to kiss a guy with jacked-up teeth! How can I make my mom stop posting dumb stuff on Facebook? —Brent Klein Scare her by telling her that the NSA is watching, and they may revoke her social network privileges!

Are beepers still around? —Damon Butler I doubt it. But if beepers do make a comeback, it’s going to be by hipsters trying to look original. What’s one thing girls wish guys wouldn’t wear? —Warren Scott When I was living in Seattle, it was definitely

the socks-and-sandals combo. It’s so tacky. Where should you never take a girl on a first date? —Ryan Dolan A strip club. I thought it went without saying, but it has happened to a couple of my girlfriends and it was really awkward for them.

PHOTOGRAPH

/ CARLOS NUNEZ

STYLING, KRISSIE TORGERSON;

LOCATION COURTESY OF PALMS CASINO RESORT, LAS VEGAS.

HAIR, MARSHALL VANIERLAND/ONELUVAGENCY; MAKEUP, CARA MACCIANTI;

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Hot Sauce

Offce Assistant

RÉSUMÉ

She Drives Us Crazy The road to falling in love with our office chauffeur was a very short one indeed.

NAME Júlia BIRTHDAY July 17 HOMETOWN Portela, Brazil HIDDEN FACT “I’m a triplet!” GO-TO DRINK “I like wine and champagne. I don’t like beer.”

11 a.m. Strict about the no-droolingon-seats rule. 3 p.m. Most impressive parallel parking in history. 5 p.m. Hopefully your über-driver Fred isn’t wearing the same outfit.

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Don’t think that would’ve worked for us. What’s the sexiest type of car? I love convertibles. That Infniti I drove is a really sexy car. I like feeling my hair fow in the wind.

/ BEN RITTER

What do you think about backseat drivers trying to give you directions? I don’t like them very much. You wind up geting confused. I’m the one in front, so please let me drive. People can sing for me instead!

Ever get pulled over? Luckily not today! It happened to me once in Brazil, when I was underage and driving my dad’s Jeep to the beach. I said, “I’m so sorry!” and he was like, “It’s OK.”

What’s your policy on hooking up in a vehicle? Things can happen in a car. Let’s leave it at that.

HAIR AND MAKEUP, KRISTEN RUGGIERO. BEX NYC GLOVES AND BOTTOMS.

So you aren’t intimidated about driving in New York? People drive much slower here. In Manhatan there are police around, but in Brazil nobody really cares what you do. It’s crazy.

Can you drive in heels? I leave them to the side and go barefoot. Then I’ll put my heels on when I get where I’m going.

PHOTOGRAPHS

Should the Maxim staf be worried about puting our lives in your hands? Ha, no, you don’t have to worry. I got my license in São Paulo, Brazil. If you can drive there, you can drive anywhere.

Hot Sauce

Sex

Eat Your Way to Sex

PHOTOGRAPH / CHRIS HEADS

Can an aphrodisiac cooking class teach us the recipe for a forkin’ good time? by STE PHANIE R ADVAN “What time does the orgy start?” my boyfriend asked as I left for an aphrodisiac cooking class in N.Y.C. A short subway trip later, that joke transforms into an ominous warning as I’m greeted by the man in charge at his front door. “Welcome to Sex on the Table,” says Chef Fed with a heavy Swiss accent as he ushers me into his apartment. “We’ll soon be making noises at the din­ ner table that we typically reserve for the privacy of our own bedrooms.” Yikes. Who knows what these Europeans are into? I’m the last to arrive, and the other eight attendees are staring at me as Barry Manilow croons from the stereo. I begin to wonder if this night is going to end with me in an ice bath missing a kidney. Happily, that doesn’t happen. Instead Chef Fed starts with some origin stories about the relation­ ship between sex and food. Aphrodisiac myths date way back to the consump­ tion of sparrow brains in ancient Greece. Aphrodite, after all, was the goddess of love and sexuality, and her totem was a sparrow, so eating little birds’ brains was thought to help boost the libido. Romantic! SEXY SPUDS

Fed presents an equally practical but more acces­ sible argument. “Subcon­ sciously, we know that

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providing food will get us love. Take the potato. A couple hundred years ago, potatoes were vital to surviving harsh winters, so whoever had the most potatoes had the most dates.” Fair enough. I’d be lying if I said there weren’t some boozy college nights when I might have put out for a basket of fries. Food science is also a factor in categorizing aphrodisiacs. Watermelon, for example, contains an amino acid called citrul­ line that can relax blood vessels and improve blood flow, much in the way the active ingredient in Viagra does. Celery has andro­ sterone, a hormone that’s naturally produced in males that stimulates arousal in women. “Chickpeas are actually the queen of aphrodisiacs for men,” Fed says. “They are high in protein and low in fat and a great source of zinc, which is crucial to the production of testos­ terone.” It’s not lost on me that all these foods are also touted as healthy snacks, so it seems fair to say that a diet rich in aphrodisiacs may increase your lifelong ability to get laid simply by keeping you out of a Walmart mobility scooter. Enough talk—time to eat. Tonight’s menu seems to contain almost half the 107 aphrodisiacs on his list: ginger­infused kale salad with a garlic­orange confit; smoky chicken stuffed with bacon and toast, topped

Get things cooking with a class at ChefFedNY.com.

with truffle foam and served alongside tomatoes, pota­ toes, and zucchini. And for dessert, white chocolate mousse with cilantro and raspberries. For someone who primarily subsists on Thai takeout, these aphro­ disiac­laden dishes would have to be pretty potent for me to have the energy to do anything besides pass out after preparing this type of dinner at home. FOOD EQUALS SEX

After two hours of chop­ ping, mixing, and several more helpings of aphro­ disiac intel from Fed (mangos make women’s orgasms stronger; Tibetan monks were once forbid­ den from entering the mon­ astery if they’d eaten garlic because of its reputation for stirring up passions), we dig in. The food is deli­ cious, but the only thing that gets stuffed here tonight is the chicken.

Even though I didn’t have a When Harry Met Sally… moment, I did give myself a pat on the back for not accidentally dumping an entire container of salt over the vegetables when Fed asked me if the reason oys­ ters are my favorite aphro­ disiac is because of “that little drop of seawater that runs on your chin.” I looked around the table and, while people weren’t tearing one another’s clothes off in a massive orgy, everyone looked happy. I’d bet that at least half the couples would be getting down tonight. Later, as I exit my sub­ way stop, something Fed said comes back to me: “Providing food will get us love.” I popped into the deli and bought my boyfriend a Snickers bar, which I can now confidently report also works as an aphrodi­ siac (when paired with a great push­up bra).

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The John Dillinger Museum, Hammond, Indiana; Tower of London, MaryLane/123RF p.73: Bridge of Sighs, Dennis Degnan/Corbis p.74: Pen, Image Source/Alamy p.75: Belfast Maze, EMPPL PA Wire/Associated Press; Libby Prison, NYC/Alamy p.76: Couch, Bill Sykes/Gety Images; bra, Morton Olsen/ Gety Images; panties, Nicholas Eveleigh/Gety Images; camera, Egal/iStock; tongue, Karammiri/iStock p.83: Buzkashi, Majid Saeedi/Stringer/ Gety Images; car soccer,

Zuma Press Inc./Alamy p.84: Water hockey, Heinz Kluetmeier/Gety Images; Segway polo, Chris Jackson/Gety Images; mullet toss, courtesy of Flora-Bama; cheese rolling, Andy Clark/Reuters; greased-pole climb, Ed Wray/ Stringer/Gety Images; wife-carrying, AFP/Stringer/ Gety Images p.85: Bossaball, Freek de Jong/Bossaball Sports SL; Shrovetide football, Michael Regan/ Gety Images; snowball fght, courtesy of Showa-Shinzan Yukigassen Federation

MAXIM (ISSN 1092-9789) Volume 18, Number 3 is published 10 times annually by Alpha Media Publishing, Inc., 415 Madison Avenue, 3rd Floor, New York, NY 10017, Tel. 212-302-2626. • Periodicals postage paid at New York, NY, and at additional mailing oɜces. POSTMASTER: Send change of address to: Maxim, P.O. Box 420234, Palm Coast, FL 32142-0234. One-year subscription rates: for U.S., $24.97; for Canada, $34.97; for all other countries, $54.97 in prepaid U.S. funds. Canadian GST Registration #140467846, Publications Agreement number 40031590. Return Undeliverable Canadian Addresses to P.O. Box 503, RPO West Beaver Creek, Richmond Hill, ON L4B 4R6. We sometimes make our subscriber list available to companies that sell goods and services by mail that we believe would interest our readers. If you would rather not receive such mailings, please send us a note with your current mailing label or address to: Maxim Customer Service, P.O. Box 420235, Palm Coast, FL 32142-0235.

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/ C.J. WILSON

in 60 Seconds, Photos 12/ Alamy; Need for Speed, courtesy of Ford; p.34: Pearl Harbor, Touchstone Pictures/ Everet Collection p.55: Construction paper, PureStock/Alamy p.56: Smashed beer can, Jiri Hera/Alamy; 40-ouncer, Robin Greene; matches, Lucato/iStock p.57: Playing card, Tomograf/ iStock; quarter, Blackred/ iStock p.58: Beer stain, Zee/ Alamy; dice, iStock p.59: Paper holes, Jitalia17/iStock p.68: Garry Shandling, HBO/ Everet Collection p.72: Gun,

PHOTOGRAPH

p.4: Bodybuilder, Hongqi Zhang/ Alamy; Bible, PixImaker/ iStock; Bible spine, Lee Avison/Alamy p.6: SureThik, courtesy of SureThik/surethik.com p.7: Maxim.com girl, Adamdodd/ iStock; handcufs, RTImages/ Alamy; chain, AlexStar/iStock p.8: Truck, iStock; chair, iStock; person falling, iStock p.12: Adam Scot, Jack Gruber/USA Today Sports; Cristiano Ronaldo, AFP/Gety Images; Novak Djokovic, ChinaFotoPress/Gety Images; Koji Uehara, Rick Osentoski/ USA Today Sports; LeBron James, Steve Mitchell/USA Today Sports; Serena Williams, Nathan Denete/The Canadian Press/Associated Press; bodybuilder, Hongqi Zhang/Alamy; Bible, PixImaker/iStock; Bible spine, Lee Avison/Alamy p.13: Condom, Joanimbkk/iStock p.14: Hasselhof, AF Archive/Alamy; Jackson, Photos 12/Alamy; Prety Reckless album, Razor & Tie p.17: Beyoncé, Kevin Mazur/Gety Images p.18: Coins, Carolyn Frank/ Shuterstock; cuckoo clock, Colonel/iStock; Swiss fag, Flag Illustrations/Alamy p.19: Olivia Wilde, NBC/Gety Images; Found Porn, courtesy of Michael Truit; monkey, Jacki Soikis/HotSpot/Landov; Anchorman 2 DVD, courtesy of Paramount; bull, Jon Nazca/ Reuters p.21: Impractical Jokers 1, Jamie McCarthy/ Gety Images; Impractical Jokers 2, Bobby Bank/Gety Images p.25: Rubio head shot, Jordan Johnson/Gety; Rubio, David Sherman/ Gety p.26: Mark Divine, Rich Verneti p.28: 2015 Mustang, courtesy of Ford (2); Gone

Maxim Classics

February 2010

Amanda Bynes

It’s hard to believe the wig-wearing, bong-smashing hot mess that is Amanda Bynes was once dubbed America’s sweetheart. But back in February 2010, that’s exactly what we named the former tween queen, fresh off her role as a church-obsessed mean girl in the darkly hilarious Easy A.Now that she’s out of rehab and seems to be getting herself back on track, we’re pulling for her to get it together and get in front of our cameras again. In other words…we’re still crushing on you, Amanda!

YE ARS OF MA XIM

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